Tag: episode 21

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Cartier Ad

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of a fancy party.]

[Cut to a beautiful woman and her man]

Male voice: You love her. You cherish her. But let’s face it, she’s a lot.

Vanessa: I can’t eat anything here.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to three women and talks with them. Beck is with her.]

Male voice: Because she is provocative. Because she’s magnetic. Because there’s always something.

Vanessa: There’s nobody good here. [The other women are looking at her angrily]

Male voice: You’d give her the sun, the moon and the starts. But for now, give her something to distract her. [Beck pulls out a jewelry box and opens it to Vanessa. There’s a diamond fidget spinner inside.] Cartier presents the diamond-encrusted fidget spinner. 14 karat gold embedded with princess cut diamonds. Designed to calm her because she “has anxietiy.”

Vanessa: [spinning the fidget spinner] So fast!

Male voice: You do you and her do that.

Vanessa: I’m balancing it.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to Aidy and talks to her]

Male voice: She’s vivacious. She’s feisty. She told you she’s thinking of opening a restaurant and you’re like, “I guess.” Give her something to focus on because let’s face it, she’s been reading ‘The Goldfinch’ for two years. She litters. She has to take cabs because her Uber rating is so low. When she’s around gay men, it’s exactly how you think it would be. And you know she is a completely different person with her family.

Vanessa: [talking on phone in kid’s voice] Hi, daddy.

Male voice: Intriguing. Addictive. A way to pass the time. I’m talking about the fidget spinner.

Vanessa: [to Beck] Hey, can we go? I’m really sick.

Beck: Okay.

Male voice: Cartier fidget spinner. Because, god, the sex is good!

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out]

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.]

[The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie About Summer

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?

Willie: Summer time, Michael.

Michael Che: No, you’re not.

Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.

Michael Che: What’s the candy van?

Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.

Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.

Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.

Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.

Willie: You know who really loved summer time?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: Happy summer, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

[The End]

Harkin Brothers Band

Sasheer Zamata

Fred Armisan

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a band standing on a stage]

Sasheer: Hey, 38th community center. How y’all feeling tonight?

[audience whooping]

Alright, who likes early 70s style southern rock?

[silence]

Anyone? No? Well, we already paid for this. So please welcome the Harkin Brothers.

[The band has a lot of members.]

Fred: How y’all doing? We’re the Harkin Brothers band and who here is from Arkansas? Nobody? Any of you kids been there? Well, here’s a song about it. Two, three, four.

[band playing music]

[singing] Frogs are jumping upon to the lily pads
eaten plates of honey ham all day
commute in the air tiring to a swimming hole
Arkansas is calling out my name
hot, hot, summer time

Maya: Nothing like a nap in a burned out pickup truck
fireflies they’re riding to my mouth

Fred and Maya: Running barefoot on the pile of rocks and stones

Then I see…

All: Henrietta, Henrietta 

Fred: Get up here.
Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

All: Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Escape Pod

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.]

[The space ship is broken and fire breaks down]

[Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.]

[Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun]

[The End]

Weekend Update Dilma Rousseff

Colin Jost

Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.

[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.]

[cheers and applause]

Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.

Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.

Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.

Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.

Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff andColin Jost]

Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–

Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.

Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.

Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.

Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.

Colin Jost: Dilma

Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.

Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?

Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.

Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”

[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.

[drums playing]

[Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]

Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

MIchael Che

[Starts with MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Nike Air Jordan at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Nike has announced that it’ll start testing a large scale 3D printer to make Air Jordans. The way it works is that the printer actually makes little Malaysian kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people in line at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A number of airports around the country are trying to reliever the stress caused by long security lines by hiring clowns to entertain travelers. Because nothing puts you at ease like a clown whispering, “Have a safe flight.”

[picture changes to Facebook logo and a mobile phone.]

A man streamed the birth of his son live on Facebook and has been more than 50,000 times. [picture changes to MIchael Che using a computer.] Weirdly all by Che.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and a spa at left top corner.]

MIchael Che: A Burger King in Finland has opened a world’s first fast food store in a spa. So yea, you’re going to fart during that massage.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Thursday was National Hepatitis Testing Day. And good news, I got an A.

[Cut to Colin Jost and MIchael Che]

MIchael Che: Why are you smiling?

Colin Jost: Last year I got a C. Anyway, this is the last episode of the season and there were lots of jokes we wrote this year and some of them were little too harsh to do on air.

MIchael Che: But we decided that since its the end of the year, why don’t we just do some of the, right? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They fire Colin?

Colin Jost: What? [looking around]

MIchael Che: So, here’s the first one.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of a football field and a helmet at right top corner.]

A high school student in Arizona was arrested after it was discovered that he exposed his penis in a football team picture. The yearbook staff knew something was off with the picture when they noticed that there was one extra helmet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Muslim student in a high school in California was upset after the school yearbook falsely printed her name as ISIS. While the yearbook also mistakenly identified their only Asian student as [Picture changes to a picture of an asian student with name ‘Kung Fu Panda’] Kung Fu Panda.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Khloe Kardashian at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband, Lamar Odem. If you want a preview of what the sex tape looks like, just watch Kim sex tape in a funhouse mirror.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of cartoon Lucky Charms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The actor who provided the voice of the Lucky Charms Leprechaun died this week at the age of 93, after his tumor turned out to be [singing] magically malignant.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Indian flag at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: I don’t know what’s wrong with that one. A 70 year old woman in India has given birth to her first child. Doctors described the birth as, “Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Subway logo and Jared Fogle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And finally, former Subway sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty to having sex with minors was sentenced to Colin Jost5 years in prison. And good news for Jared cell mate, Jared has a ton of experience eating the same thing everyday for Colin Jost5 years.

[Cut to MIchael Che.]

MIchael Che: Who do you feel sorry for?

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

The NRA in Friday officially endorsed Donald Trump. I assume because they didn’t do a background check. If they had, they would have seen that when President Obama called for gun control in the wake of the Newtown shooting, Donald Trump tweeted, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “President Obama spoke for me and every American in his remarks in #Newtown Connecticut.” He wrote #Newtown but forgot to write “#MightHaveToCompletelyChangeMyViewsIfIEndUpBeingARepublican”.

Ultimately though, it does make sense that NRA would endorse Trump because Trump himself is kind of like a gun. We think he’s gonna make us feel safe and strong but he might end up accidentally killing us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the speech to the NRA, Trump claimed that Hillary Clinton would abolish the second amendment which is just not true. Look, NRA, nobody is trying to take your guns away from you. We understand how much you need them for the apocalypse and your daughter’s wedding and two fried bacon on. Look, and it’s easy form me to say because I’m from big fancy New York city and I never have to must get a pass him in the face for suffer, but I assure you, nobody is trying to take you precious guns away from you. Except maybe a curious toddler. Which ironically is exactly why Hillary Clinton is trying to prevent this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: We also got a glimpse this week in how Hillary and Trump would each respond in a crisis after the Egypt air flight went down. Hillary said, “Let’s wait and get all the facts.” Trump said, “If anyone doesn’t think it got blown out of the sky, you’re 100% wrong.” Trump was 100% certain. Keep in mind, he was also 100% certain that people would want to buy steaks at the Sharper Image. I’d love to watch an episode of Law and Order with Donald Trump. The first guy walks in, “He did it! 100%.” And I’m like, “Donald, that’s Ice Tea. [Picture changes to rapper Ice Tea] He’s one of the detectives.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

During the interview this week, Donald Trump said that if he becomes president, he would be willing to talk directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Most likely in a thick Korean accent with squinty eyes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to delegate count, Hillary Clinton is fewer than 100 delegates away from her party’s presidential nomination. Which explains Hillary’s new campaign slogan, “Finish Him!!”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows that New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is now at an all time low. Coming in more than 10 points below Bon Jovi playing the new stuff. It’s low. Still at an all time high though, his belt!

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anonymous bidder has paid nearly $140,000 in an auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to shoot Trayvon Martin. And all he has to do to collect the money is meet the anonymous buyer at midnight on the corner of 146th in Malcolm X Boulevard.

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]