Tag: episode 21

Hillary and Bernie Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]

Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.

Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]

Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.

Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.

Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.

[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]

Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.

Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters. 

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.

Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council. 

Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?

Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?

Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.

Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.

Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.

Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?

Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm. 

Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.

Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?

[Bartender comes in]

Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?

Bernie Sanders: Her’s.

Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.

Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?

Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!

Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!

Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.

Hillary Clinton: Really?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”

Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?

Bernie Sanders: Sure.

Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.

[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]

Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.

Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?

Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.

Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]

And I’ll lead.

Hillary Clinton: Never!

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]

[They run into Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?

Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]

[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]

Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

Fred Armisen One Man Show Monologue

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be standing on this stage hosting Saturday Night Live, the finale. Yeah! And it’s not just the season finale, this is the last one ever! SNL is a very important place to me. I got my start here. I grew up here. I owe everything to this place. Which is why for the past six months I’ve been doing this one man show about my time at this incredible institution. It’s called ‘Love, from New York, I did Saturday’s right’. And if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to perform a part of it for you. What do you think?

[cheers and applause]

I’m gonna do a scene about my audition. Okay? It’s about 2 hours and 40 minutes long. I’m gonna chance my jacket.

[Someone brings in another jacket for 1 and he changes it, but it’s the same jacket.]

[music playing]

[acting] Hey, everybody. Look who it is. Funny Freddy. He thinks he’s gonna tell jokes for living. [changes voice] Hey Funny Freddy, you’re funny alright. Funny looking!

[narrating] Growing up in Long Island, no one ever gave me much of a chance of making it in show business.

[making voice] Why do you want to be a comedian, Freddy? Come work with me at the pizza parlor.

[narrating] Pa was always riding me working at pizzas. And mom, well, she just wanted me to settle down. [making mom’s voice] “When are you gonna find a nice girl, Freddy? What are you waiting for?”

[narrating] The truth was I don’t know what I was waiting for. So, one day the phone rang. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. You know, the funny thing about a phone call is you never know who it is until you answer it. It could be your aunt, your grandmother, an old friend or wrong number. Ha-ha-ha. But this… this was the call that changed my life. 

[acting like he’s talking on the phone] Hello. What? Saturday Night Live? You want me to audition? This better not be a joke.

[narrating] And it wasn’t a joke. It was the realest thing that had ever happened in my life. And after I packed my suitcase, I ran to the train station so fast that I swear, my feet didn’t even touch the ground.

[acting] Ay, look at Funny Freddy go. [changing voice] You’ll be back Freddy. Nobody makes it out of this town.

[narrating] But I couldn’t hear them because I had put on my headphones and I was listening to New York New York by the chairman himself, Frank Sinatra. I couldn’t afford the rights to that song so I had to do a sound alike, if you don’t mind. 

[singing] New York city
living in New York city

[narrating] The next thing I know we were pulling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And soon as on this stage doing my audition. I hit them with the Liberace.

[playing Liberace character] Oh, I’m a bad boy.

[narrating] Then I gave them the Ringo

[playing Ringo character] Peace and love. Peace and love.

[narrating] And then, I finished it off with Prince. [playing his Prince character] [cheers and applause]

Yes! When it’s over, I flowed off the stage. My feet didn’t even touch the ground. And NBC page walked up to me.

[making voice] Mr. Lorne Michaels would like to see you.

[narrating] The Lorne Michaels? And before I knew it, I was sitting across him in his office. The walls are lined with picture of him from the 70s, a few from the 80s, none from the past 10 years. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk or he is. Finally, he breaks the silence.

[playing Lorne Michaels] So, I think you’re very funny and I think you have a bright future.

[narrating] He sounded exactly the way I thought he would.

[playing Lorne Michaels] How would you like to work here?

[narrating] I walked outside in days. I grabbed a first person I see.

[walks to an audience and holds her] Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream?

Audience: No.

Fred Armisen: No, you’re not supposed to answer. Is this a dream? Is this a dream? I’m asking you, is this a dream? [silence] Oh, you’re ruining it. Sorry.

[Fred walks to the stage]

I take the train home. The wheels didn’t even touch the track. As I got off, I looked around my town and I thought, I don’t even live here anymore. But then I heard a voice. [making voice] Ay Funny Freddy!

[narrating] Oh, no! Those two guys who never believed in me. Always gave me a hard time.

[making voice] Hey Funny Freddy.

What? What do you want?

[making voice] We’re proud of you.

[narrating] That’s the first time I thought, “I’m gonna miss this place. I am going to miss this place.” [walks around the stage silently]

The critics said that his part is too long but I like it.

Alright. [walking around] Okay, dim the lights down. [The lights dim] Not so fast. Not quick. No. Slow. Not at 22 to 24. There we go.

[walking around] Okay. Bring them back up a little bit. Back down. Down. Out. Out. Out. Out.

[sits down] Okay, fully up. Right back up. And there we are.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. Definitely the next Hamilton. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Courtney Barnett is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)

[Andy Samberg Music video starts]

Andy Samberg: [singing] Finest girl I ever met in my whole life
Wanted to take her home, make her my wife
Knew she was a freak when she started talking

She said, “fuck me like we fucked Bin Laden”

That girl was freak
She said she wanted me to fuck her harder then the military

Fucked Bin Laden

Fuck Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me harder then the US government
Fucked Bin Laden

[rapping] She was a freaky kind of girl
Kept up with current events from all around the world
More specifically one event
The time Osama Bin Laden got shot in the head
She said “do me like that”
But I couldn’t track the metaphor
That said I can see you horny like a Stegosaur
That said again your request is so irregular
She put on a beard, I started looking at the exit door
Then a turban
Then a tunic
She said “invade my cave with your special unit”
I said “he wasn’t in a cave”, but there was no stopping
She demanded that I fuck her like we

[singing] Fucked Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me harder then the US government
Fucked Bin Laden

This girl requested intercourse to bring her to climax
With the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden

[rapping] You’re harboring a fugitive (that ass)
My justice will be punitive (I’ma smash)
Night-vision, they can see us through my go-pro
She tried to negotiate, I said that’s a no-no
Now I’m creeping in her bed room like go-go
She tells me to go low then looks down and tells me that I gotta
“Terrorize that pussy”
“Gotta terrorize that pussy”
So I did it, improvise some crazy shit
Seal Team sixty-nine sexecuting the hit
She said “now you’ve finished me off, throw my body in the ocean”
I yell “geronimo!” and took some pictures for posting
The President called, he said “congratulations Connor”
I said “Mr. President, to what do I owe this honor?”
He said “come give me the deets in the White House garden
I gots to know how you fucked her like we

[singing] Fucked Bin Laden”
Fuck Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden

I still can’t say that I see the appeal, but she wanted me to fuck her like we fucked Bin Laden

Oh, this girl insisted that that the way we did it was merciless and exact sanity attack
Just like the now-famous attack that fucked
Osama Bin Laden

[Andy Sambers wakes up on a couch]

Damn, the whole thing was a virtual reality experience.

Farewell Mr. Bunting

Principal… Bobby Moynihan

Thomas Dultan… Pete Davidson

Rooney… Kyle Mooney

Mr. Bunting… Fred Armisen

Kelaw… Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Principal entering a classroom angrily]

Principal: Sit down! As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere. His unorthodox methods have done enough damage. As your principal, I’ll be taking over this class until the end of the year. Mr. Dultan, please tell me where you left off in the text book.

[Dultan doesn’t know]

Mr. Rooney, since Mr. Dultan cannot be bothered, where did you leave off?

Rooney: Well sir, we kind of skipped around a bit.

Principal: Fine! Then we will start from the beginning. Mr– [door knocking]

[Mr. Bunting enters]

Mr. Bunting: Excuse me. [Students look at Mr. Bunting] I came to collect my personals. Should I come back after class?

[The students seem upset]

Principal: Get them now, Mr. Bunting. Mr. Kelaw, continue. Please read from page one.

Kelaw: We have ripped out all the pages, sir.

[Kelaw shows the book. There aren’t any pages there.]

Jay: And turned them into hats.

[Jay shows the hat and puts it on his head]

Principal: Although, you can borrow mine. Now, read.

Kelaw: [reading] Poetry should not be fun. It should be oppressive and the reader should hate it. Poems are from hundred years ago. They were written by a bunch of dead men to punish children. [Mr. Bunting is walking with his belongings] The arts in general are for women and homosexuals. When you read a poem, you should never feel… emotion. In summary, poem stink.

[Thomas cannot help himself. He stands up.]

Thomas: Mr. Bunting, we didn’t want you to get fired. They made us sign that paper.

Principal: Sit down, Mr. Dultan.

Mr. Bunting: It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay.

[Thomas sits down]

Principal: Leave, Mr. Bunting. Right now.

[As Mr. Bunting is walking out, Rooney stands on his desk.]

Rooney: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: Sit down this instant.

[Jay also stands on his desk]

Jay: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: I will have you both expelled if you do not sit down immediately.

[Jon stands on his desk]

Mr. Bunting, please!

Jon: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Kelaw stands on his desk]

Kelaw: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Mr. Bunting is looking at his students proudly.]

[Thomas also stands on his desk]

Thomas: I sing my song–

[Thomas’s head is chopped off by the ceiling fan.]

[All the students are terrified. There’s blood all over the classroom and everyone.]

[Everyone looks at Mr. Bunting]

Mr. Bunting: Alright, I’m gonna take off. You guys have my email and everything, right?

[No one answers. Mr. Bunting just leaves.]

[The End]

Expedition

Aidy Bryant

David Paul… Fred Armisen

Donny Grande… Kyle Mooney

Harriet Walls… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a classroom]

Aidy: Okay class, settle down now. Now, we’ve been learning a lot about western expansion. Well, guess what? Last night, I was at an Italian restaurant having a glass of wine and a lovely meatball salad. And the table right next to me had some actors from the Albany Educational Theatre Festival. And they were doing a new show about Lewis and Clark. How exciting is that?

[The students are not excited at all]

So, I asked them to come and perform for you and they said yes. Come on in, guys.

[Aidy opens the door. Three people walk in looking very excited]

David: Hey. Hey, everybody.

Donny: Hey, everyone. Great looking class.

Harriet: We are three of the actors from the show Lewis and Clark.

David: That’s right. I’m playing Lewis. My name is David Paul. I relate to Lewis on so many levels. Oh god, where do I start? We’re both athletic outdoorsmen. You know the type. If you saw me on long shorts and a tank top, you’d see exactly what I’m talking about. [pointing at Sasheer] Right, lady?

Sasheer: I don’t know what that means.

Donny: And we’ve heard a lot about Lewis. What the heck about Clark? Hi, I’m Donny Grande. I’ll be playing the role of trusty sidekick Clark. Soldier, explorer, politician and boo, slave owner.

Harriet: But remember guys, nobody knew it was bad back then. And hi. I’m Harriet Walls. But all of you probably know me by my non-equity stage name Diamond Karns. Now I’ll be playing Indian girl, Sake Juwiya. Just feel free to laugh, cry or simply enjoy by screaming out. You know? We don’t wanna tell you how to feel.

David: Just please don’t touch us.

Harriet: Okay? So then, everyone get ready to time travel back to 1803.

[Harriet plays the background music.]

[They act as if they’re walking]

David: Where are you taking us, Sake Joe?

Donny: We’ve been going now for it seems like days.

Harriet: We go up. More up. Mountain.

David: [screaming] Ah!

Donny: What’s wrong Lewis?

David: This is driving me mad.

Donny: I know. The cold is colder than any cold I’ve known before.

David: Not that. My manly urges. Isn’t she driving you crazy? I need sex.

Donny: With Sake Joe? I won’t lie. I guess I have thought about it.

David: Perhaps we should have three of us laying with each other.

Donny: As long as you make it clear that she is the one in the middle.

David: I was hoping I would be in the middle and she’d be on the right.

Donny: Where am I again?

Harriet: Stop. There is danger. I sense evil spirit. I must track them away with the dance of my ancestors.

[Harriet starts dancing. David and Donny are looking at her.]

Sasheer: Is this okay for us to watch?

Jordan: Yes!

Donny: Ah! I fear on my release!

David: No, save it. Stick to the plan.

Aidy: Okay, okay. I need to stop you right now. Okay. I need to stop you because this is breathtaking. I am very moved and I think I better go back over there before I start crying.

David: Don’t apologize. We love feedback.

Harriet: Okay guys, anyway, skip ahead. We make it to the continental divide all the way to the pacific coast. But what happened next? Let’s go back and see.

[Harriet plays the background music]

David: We made it. Now we can do that thing we were talking about.

Donny: Yes. Should I get down on the ground?

David: Yes. And I will lay on top of you so that Juwiya can lay off to our right.

Donny: Off? No, this is not what I wanted. Lewis, I told you how it has to go down for me to be okay with everything.

David: It’s gonna be the same thing. It feels exactly the same. She’ll be right nearby. Just, lay on this rock part.

[David lays Donny on the table]

Donny: No Lewis, stop. Get off me.

Jon: Is this part of the play or is it really happening?

Aidy: Okay, kid. Be quiet and have some damn respect for our guests.

David: Relax Clark, don’t fight this.

Harriet: Look my eyes while he lay one you.

Donny: No!

Harriet: Pretend it me.

David: Listen to her. She has ancient wisdom.

Harriet: It’s true.

[school bell ringing]

Aidy: Okay class, I’m sorry, they were just about to do it. [the students walk outside] But we have to stop here. The kids have their lunch break. [Jordan is staying] Jordan, don’t you wanna eat?

Jordan: No, no. I’m finally engaged with learning.

David: Wow, we’re getting through to someone.

Harriet: Well, alright, let’s take it home fellas.

David: Okay. Take your pans off Clark

Donny: Fine! Just no kissing.

David: Of course not.

Harriet: I stay here.

Aidy: Jordan, are you crying as hard as I am?

[The End]

Wood PSAs

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Louis C.K.

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby and Venessa in the restaurant]

Bobby: Still the best turkey burger in the city though.

Venessa: Oh, definitley.

Bobby: You want toothpick?

Venessa: Um, no.

[music playing]

[as Bobby and Venessa leave, Louis is staring at them with an axe and Beck is singing]

Beck: [singing] If you don’t use the wooden things
what will happen to the lumberjacks 

Male voice: Buy wood products. A message from the Woodworkers Association of America.

[The End]

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Cecily looking for a book in library]

Cecily: [showing the book to Sasheer] Hey, have you read this? I head it’s amazing.

Sasheer: No, but you should get it.

Cecily: No, I’ll just download on my iPad.

[music playing]

[Louis is staring at them with an axe and Beck is singing behind Louis]

Beck: [singing] If you download books on your iPad
what will happen to the lumberjacks 

[tears are falling down Louis’s eyes]

Male voice: Buy wood products. A message from the Woodworkers Association of America.

Weekend Update Tom Brady

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.

Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Aw!

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?

Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?

Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.

Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.

Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?

[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]

Colin Jost: Woo!

Tom Brady: Thank you.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!

Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!

Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.

[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]

Weekend Update Riblet

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in North Carolina say that a 12 pound package of marijuana washed up on a beach. For some perspective, this is what a 12 pound package of marijuana looks like. [Picture changes to a black music artist]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s our last Weekend Update of the season

Michael Che: Yeah, and for all the jokes we got to tell this year, we also cut a lot of jokes at dress rehearsal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, now what we’d like to do is resurrect one joke each that was cut earlier in the year. Okay, I’ll go first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a knife and a jar of salsa at left top corner.]

Ohio police arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her boyfriend for eating all of their salsa. Though you’d be angry too if your boyfriend was jalapeno business.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, first of all I hate you for laughing at that. My joke got pulled after dress rehearsal because they said it was too offensive and way over the line, man! But it’s the last show of the season. And, what are they gonna do? So, I’m just gonna do it. Here we go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a Malaysian Airlines logo at right top corner.]

[audience are already laughing]

Another Malaysian Airlines plane–

[Riblet peeks from behind Michael Che’s back]

Riblet: Too soon, Che! Too soon baby!

Michael Che: Oh, man! It’s my buddy from high school, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Go call for the comeback! Yo! It’s Riblet baby! Season 40 finale! Wad up?

Michael Che: Riblet! It’s the finale.

Riblet: I know.

Michael Che: Don’t ruin this for me.

Riblet: Oh, you ruined yourself, Che! Which is why Riblet has got you regulate! So clear my shot Che! Coz I’m about to do your jorb!

Michael Che: You could never do my jorb!

Riblet: Oh, I could not? Oh, really Che? Well, move over back because here comes something leaner!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of horse racing at right top corner.]

Earlier today, Kentucky Derby winner American Pharoah won the Preakness Stakes. The second leg in horse racing’s triple crown. And he better win the third leg if he wants to keep all four legs.

[yelling] Oh! Shimi-shimi-ya-shimi-ya-shimi-yay!

Give me your jorb so I can take it away!

[Michael Che is getting angry]

What? What? What? What just went down? That was topical as hell! That horse is still running. I just did your jorb!

Michael Che: You did not do my job. You just read one cue card, man!

Riblet: Porfectly! I read one cue card porfectly! Now peep this Michael Che, coz I’m about to creep this!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of sandwiches at right top corner.]

A new study finds that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. This according to a grilled cheese sandwich I just ate at Che’s mama’s house!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! I just took your jorb!

Michael Che: Alright, man! Look, there’s more to this job than just reading, okay? You gotta know about politics, social issues.

Riblet: Oh, you don’t think Riblet’s not about current affairs?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, you don’t?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, they call me Sneakers because I about to satisfy.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of $20 bill with a woman’s face on it.]

The campaign to replace Andrew Jackson with a woman on the $20 bill is being called a significant step forward in gender equality. But if we wanna treat women as equals, we shouldn’t put them on money. We should pay them an equal amount of money. And Michael Che shouldn’t be paid at all!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! Oh, excuse me. Oh, waiter!

[A waiter brings in a covered dish and leaves]

Thank you. Here we go.

[Riblet opens the lid. There’s a mic.]

How nice. It just got weird, because you just got served!

[Riblet drops the mic on the table]

Michael Che: Riblet, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Turning 21

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson turned 21 years old this year. Here to comment on finally becoming an adult is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up, Pete?

Pete Davidson: How are you, man?

Colin Jost: How are you? So, you’re 21. What does it feel like to be an adult? You feel like an adult?

Pete Davidson: Kind of. I mean, I’m 6’3″, 140 pounds. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I kind of look like I should be outside of car dealership flapping in the wind. Now, I just moved out of my mom’s house coz like, my mom and sister were just driving me crazy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, maybe you should just talk to them about that, right?

Pete Davidson: Nah, it’s not my style, Colin. I don’t confront people. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know? I was raised by a woman. So, you know, when you’re raised by a woman, you tell everybody about the problem… except for the person you have the problem with. You know, that’s how my mom does it. She would come home and be like, “I hate that bitch Dian!” I’d be like, “Well, don’t hang out with Dian.” My mom be like, “I have to. She’s my best friend.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, your must have grown up in some way this year, right?

Pete Davidson: Um, I guess so. I see like, signs here and there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, I don’t like Harry Potter as much I used to. You know? I was a huge Harry Potter fan when I was a kid two years ago. And, that’s why I never got any girls in high school. Probably coz I called high school Hogwarts. Also, now I watch those movies and I get mad that Harry never gets laid. He never does. He’s rich, he’s famous, and he’s a wizard. You know? And girls were just throwing in at him but nope! He never makes a move. He had invisibility cloak. And he used it to read more. If that was me, I would be with four of my buddies in the women wizard locker room and we’d ruin that cloak.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. No. No. Honestly, I have to say, Pete. I have seen you grow a lot this year, you know? Maybe not physically or emotionally, but just, you know, in terms of the passage of time.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, I think! Yeah! I mean, I think I’ll grow up a lot this summer too, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I think I’m gonna finally learn how to be on this show. You know? How did I get on this show, Colin? Did my mom see NBC executive hit a kid and drive off? I don’t now how to sing, I don’t know how to dance, I don’t know how to act… and read… or stand up straight. You know, that’s why I’m only here. This is all I can do. You know? I don’t have to stand up or wear pants. I can’t even do impressions. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I’ve been working on it. You wanna hear one?

Colin Jost: Yeah, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Here’s my impression. [mimicking President Obama] Let me be clear. I’m running for president.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, it’s not a bad Obama.

Pete Davidson: That’s my Hillary Clinton.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: How am I here?

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of MadMen logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is the series finale of the hit show ‘MadMen’. In the episode, Don Draper is finally ruined in the advertising business after creating [Picture changes to the Hamburgler man wearing mask] the new Hamburgler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of U2 guitarist The Edge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a concert in Vancouver, U2 guitarist The Edge fell off the stage. So I guess you could say that The Edge was walking too close  to the border of that stage.

[Picture changes to the painting Women of Algiers by Picasso at right top corner.]

Pablo Picasso’s ‘Women of Algiers’ was sold for a record setting $179 million. But I can get you a picture of lap sided titties for way less than that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sweden and Russia’s flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Swedish peace activists are trying to deter the Russian submarines by using a sonar system that broadcast pro-gay messages. Which is also a pretty good description of Bravo!

[Picture changes to Boston University logo]

A newly hired Boston University professor caused controversy after she called white males ‘The problem population’. The professor apologized saying, “I am as sorry as some basic ass Latina.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that Taco Bell in Chicago may soon start selling alcohol. Which is weird because usually, it’s alcohol that sells Taco Bell.