Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting] [yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.] [Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act] [starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.] [Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck] [The End]

Louis C.K. Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, stop.

[audience saying something]

Um, hi! It’s a little early for that. Well, thank you very much for being here. This is the 40th year of this show’s existence. And this is the finale. So, I’m very honored honestly to be asked to host this. So, thanks and I’m glad you guys are here. Yeah, it’s fine. Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew up in the 70s. So, I’m not racist. However, I do have mild racism. It’s the best I can do coming out the 70s because that was a very racist decade. People said racist things all the time and nobody got offended. The only time somebody got offended if you said something racist in the 70s is when they say like, “Hey, you interrupted me. I was saying something racist. Why did you..?”

So, I have mild racism. It’s benign, it’s not aggressive, it’s not even negative racism. It’s mild racism. I’ll give you the example. Okay? Like, if I go to a pizza place I’ve never been to before and it’s run by four black women, I’ll go like, “Hmm!” See, it’s very mild! It’s extremely mild racism. I’ll notice that. “Hmm. You don’t usually see that, four black women running a pizza place.” Unless it’s called ‘Four Black Girls’ Pizza’ or something like that. Like, that’s the whole point of the place. It’s mild.

Here’s another example of mild racism. If I… say I’m in a hospital and doctor comes in to treat me and the doctor is from China or India, I’ll think, “Well, good! Good! Good, more of that. Why not?” It’s very mild racism.

Here’s another example. If I’m in a gas station late at night, a young man comes in wearing a hooded sweatshirt, if he’s white I’ll think, “Oh, he’s athlete.” If he’s black, unless he has a big smile on his face, then I’ll become mildly racist and this is what I think. I think, “That’s fine! Everything is fine! Nothing’s gonna happen. No, of course I’m fine. Why did I even think that for a second?”

This is because I was raised in the 70s. The 70s were a very different time. The 70s, everything was different in the 70s than it is now. Except the middle east. It’s exactly the same. It’s exactly the same as it was in the 70s. It’s been the same fights. And you know what? It’s boring now. That’s the worst part of it! When I was a kid, we were like, [acting scared] “Err!”, but you can’t go like this for a thousand years. After a while, when you fight, people don’t care, coz when both of you just keep fighting, everybody’s like, “Those guys are dicks. They just fight.” That’s what it’s like.

You know, I have two kids and they fight sometimes. And when they first started fighting, I got concerned. I go in their room and I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on? What’s wrong? Why are we having some feelings? Can we listen to each other please? Can we please just listen to each other? Okay, you go first.” Then she goes, she’s like, [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Um, yeah, that sounds hard.” [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Now you. [mumbling loudly] Coz I like this one a little more, [pointing at the side where he was applying his first kid was] so I’m making– [mumbling loudly] “Hmm.” And they work it out. You help them work it out. But if they keep fighting, you stop dong that. After a while, you just go in their room and you just go, [yelling] “Hey! Shut up! You’re both wrong!” Coz they won’t stop fighting. You’re in a family. There’s other people in this family and you’re being a couple of selfish little bitches that won’t fix anything. You share room. We can’t afford another room. So, just deal with it.

Somehow, this has to do with Israel and Palestine. I know exactly. I remember how. It is coz my kids are like Israel and Palestine. And I’m like America. The little one’s like Palestine coz she always gets screwed. She always gets the worst deals. She’s like, “She threw a rock at my face.” I’m like, “Your fine! Look at you, you have a great life. You take a rock on your face once in a while. You’re fine.”

The older one is like Israel. She comes at me and says, “She burnt all my dolls.” I’m like, “Look, I can’t do anything about it right now. Your sister is crazy. Please don’t make me talk to her. I’ll work it out you and me, okay? We’ll go out. I’ll buy you a really cool missile and you do whatever you do with it. Totally up to you.

The 70s were very different. In the 70s, there was a child molester that lived in my hometown. And it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like, “We got a child molester.” It was like, “Yeah, that’s the house where the child molester lives. He lives there, kids. Don’t be stupid, you’ll get molested. Just stay away from the child molester house. I know coz he did something to me when I was your age. So, just stay away from the child molester house.”

We really had a town child molester. His name was John Baptist. This is a true story. And he liked teenage boys. That’s when you would find out coz I was a teenage boy. He didn’t like me. I felt little bad. He was like, “Not you.” He wasn’t into me. But he would drive up next to teenage boys and he’d say, “Hello, would you like to go to McDonald’s?” And you’re like, “No!” And he’s like, “Why? You don’t like McDonald’s?” And then you’re trapped coz of course everybody liked McDonald’s in the 70s. And then I had one friend who used to get in the car. He’d be like, “Sure, I’ll go.” And he’d get in the car, go to the McDonald’s and eat a burger, and then he’d say, “See ya!” and just take off! And John Baptist was like, [facepalm] “Argh! I did not get to have sex with that child. I failed again.” But he’d always try. “Mmm-maybe this time.”

Because child molesters are very tortious people. They love molesting child! It’s crazy! It’s like their favorite thing. I mean when you — it’s so crazy coz when you consider the risk in being a child molester, speaking not of even the damage you’re doing, but the risk. There’s no worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester. And yet, they still do it. Which from you can only really surmize, that it must be really good! I mean from their point of view. Not ours, but from their point of view. It must be amazing, for them to risk so much!

I didn’t think– My last show probably.

[audience laughing]

Because– Look, I can’t key into it because I love Mount’s bars. I love mount’s bars. It’s my favorite thing, right? But there’s a limit. I mean, I can’t even eat a Mount’s bar and do something else at the same time. That’s how much I love them. Like, if I’m eating a Mount’s bar, I can’t read the paper like, [acting as if he’s reading the paper]. I have to just sit there with it in my mouth and go like, “Why is this so good? I love this so much.” And because they are delicious. And yet, if somebody said to me, “If you eat another Mount’s bar, you’ll go to jail and everybody will hate you”, I would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don’t taste as good as as a young boy does, and shouldn’t– to a child molester! Not to me! Not to us! Coz we’re all awesome.

[breathes out]

Alright, we did it. We got through. We got a great show tonight! Rihanna is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Forgotten TV Gems Whoops! I Married a Lesbian

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Shae… Kate McKinnon

Tom… Louis C.K.

Mag… Aidy Bryant

Frank.. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon and welcome to Forgotten TV Gems. I am Reese De’What. Today we look back at a ground breaking sitcom from the 1950s that attempted and failed to tackle the sensitive subject matter of homosexuality. Why did it fail? I do not know. That is not why I am here. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. The other day, she asked me to guess what she had done different. And I said, “I don’t know. Took a bath?” Worst date night ever!

Now, let’s watch a scene from what we’ve been talking about. Please enjoy, ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to the movie scene. Shae is cleaning the hall and Tom walks in.]

Tom: Honey, I’m home. What a day. Mr. Parker said I sold the most of anyone.

Shae: Oh, that’s nice dear.

[Tom tries to kiss Shae but Shae walks away without kissing]

Tom: Shae, I didn’t get my kiss.

[They sit on sofa]

Shae: That’s right, Tom. And you’re not getting it from here on out.

Tom: What re you up to?

Shae: I’m a lesbian now. Mag and I have decided. We’re both lesbians.

Tom: Oh, no, you don’t. I won’t have it. You wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Shae: Oh! Well, let’s make a bet. Give Mag and me 48 hours and if we’re good at being lesbians, we get to be it forever.

Tom: Maybe!

Shae: Mag, he said yes.

[Mag walks in with a briefcase in her hand]

Mag: Hot potato!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on. Even the show’s creator claimed to have met the lesbian ones, but it was actually just a wooden drug store Indian. Here’s another ill advised moment from ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Frank and Tom]

Frank: Well, I guess the girls told you that they’re lesbians now.

Tom: Oh, boy! And how? But don’t worry. I have a plan to get them out of that guest bedroom and back into our’s.

Frank: Oh, what have you got in mind?

Tom: Itching powder! I put it all over their twin beds. Any second they’re gonna come running out of that bedroom and scratch on themselves silly.

Frank: And begging to go back with us. Tom, you are a genius.

[Shae and Mag walk in from different direction.]

Shae: Now, what do you want?

Mag: Yeah, what’s this? Itching powder?

Tom: Yeah, it was Frank’s idea.

Frank: So you’d stop being lesbians.

[Cut to Shae and Mag]

Shae: Fat chance. Let’s show them Mag.

[Shae and Mag are just touching their mouths with each other’s. They’re not kissing.] [Cut to everybody] [Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Let’s be clear. We here at Forgotten TV Gems do not hold the same backwards view of gay people. I myself love lesbians. I’m obsessed with them. My sister’s wife taught me how to body surf.

Let us watch the conclusion of the first episode which was also the finale to ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Shae and Mag. They’re holding each other’s one hand and using other hand to use the vacuum cleaner.]

Shae: Clean as always, my lesbian love.

Mag: I’ll say.

[Tom walks in]

Tom: Maybe you two do make a good lesbians.

Shae: I told you I could do it.

[Frank walks in dressed as a woman]

Frank: Well what about me?

Mag: Frank! Have you gone bananas?

Frank: I’m not Frank. I’m another lesbian girl. Now, give me some sugar mama!

Mag: Nice try, mister.

Tom: I guess I really did marry a lesbian.

[Shae and Tom start kissing passionately]

Shae: Wow, I may be a lesbian but there’s nothing like the love of a good man.

Tom: That’s my girl.

[Cut to Reese De’What]

The ironic thing is that the actor who played Tom later turned out to be a giant homo. [talking to the crew members] Is that okay to say? It’s not? You can’t win! For Forgotten TV Gems, I’m Reese De’What.

[The End]

Cabana

Venessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Louis C.K.

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waitress… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a scene in the beach]

Venessa: Honey, this is such a great birthday present. [Cut to Venessa and Jean sitting in a lobby] Are we hipping up to be here? I see women swimming in high heels.

Jean: Oh, you’re the hippest one here. And I think your fashion crocks are cute as heck!

Venessa: Oh! Well, I love you Jean.

[Venessa and Jean kiss] [Louis and Jemma walk in]

Louis: Dude! No way! Jean. No way you here. Babe, I know these guys. He’s a friend of mine.

Jemma: [in bad accent] I think friends are so important.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: I’m sorry. How do I know you?

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: We were in that focus group together, you and me. For potato chips. This guy loved every kind. This is my girlfriend, Jemma. Say hi to them. Open your mouth and say hi.

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma. I just got bleached. My bum still burns.

Louis: Dude, that accent is like sexy, right? You know, I know you’re itching a pound your lady friend right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean being confused]

Jean: Well, she’s not my lady friend. She’s my wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Babe, let’s sit with them in this cabana. So nice.

[Louis and Jemma sit with Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Oh, well, we just rented it us.

Louis: It’s for the VIP. It’s the only way we roll. Let’s party!

Jemma: Okay, babe! Come on! Remember your pace maker. Doctor told him he has a good chance he’s gonna die in me.

Venessa: What?

Louis: You know, she’s a singer. I’m her producer. Last year I left my family to become a record producer. Up-top, my man!

[Louis gives his hand to Jean for a high-five]

Venessa: Okay, we- we only have the cabana for another hour. So…

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song. What’s your song called again?

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay. After she sings this, you’re gonna want to bone your lady friend until her visor pops off her head.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: I’m not his lady. I’m his wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song, babe!

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay here she goes. Here goes the beat.

[Louis starts stomping his thighs for the beat and Jemma sings horribly.]

Dude, if you don’t need to cover your bathing suit with little umbrella right now, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Let me see. Stand up. Let me see if you got one right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: You don’t, do you honey?

Jean: No, of course not!

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Why you lying?

Jemma: I’m thirsty. Bubbles! Bubbles!

Louis: She means champagne. How hot is that, Jean? Trust me, the first time I heard it, the little tie on my linen pants snapped and it practically flew to Mars.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: Where’s the guy? I need the guy.

[Cut to everybody. Waitress walks in.]

Waitress: Hi, can I help you?

Louis: I was kind of hoping it would be a guy.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: My girl wants champagne.

Jemma: And shrimps. Shrimps and bubbles.

Louis: There’s like, four of us. So, bring us like 18 pounds of shrimp.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: That’s way too much shrimp.

[Cut to Waitress, Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: I want 20 pounds of shrimp. I’m famished!

Waitress: Okay, what’s the room number?

Louis: What’s your room number, Jean?

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Um, 285.

Venessa: Jean! Why did you do that?

Jean: Because I’m stuck.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: They should be in my video.

Louis: Babe, that’s just great idea. We want it to be like, super sexy real dudes just getting nasty with their ladies in the sand.

Jemma: Yeah, and just like shots of you two snugging. And I’ll be like, [singing] snugging in the beach on Vacay.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: No, we’re not doing that.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Girls need to feel sexy at all ages and sizes. Just have confidence! Girl power!

Louis: Dude! Our girls getting real tight. I wish you and I could talk like that. Why do you think we don’t?

[Cut to everybody. Waitress brings a bucket of shrimp and a champagne.]

Waitress: Alright, here’s your 20 pounds of shrimp, and your magnum of champagne.

Louis: Okay, can you get me like a little machete to open that with? Like the French dudes do?

Waitress: We don’t have machete.

Louis: This place sucks!

Jemma: Wait! These are tails. I don’t like shrimps with tails on them.

Louis: Well, how do you want to proceed? Well, I hate waste. Let’s give them to her.

[Jemma passes the bucket of shrimps to Venessa]

Jean: That’s fine. She’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

Louis: Yeah, we’ll watch your girl eat the shrimp and they can watch us fold on our backs on the pool.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Yeah, get started please.

Venessa: Fine!

[Cut to everybody] [Venessa eats one shrimp]

Everybody: First shrimp!

Jemma: Eat faster!

[Venessa eats another shrimp]

Everybody: Second shrimp!

[The End]