Tag: season 43

Doctor’s Orders

Doctor… Jessica Chastain

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Doctor visiting a patient]

Doctor: Well, I have the first good news in weeks. The infection stopped spreading. You’re gonna make a full recovery. We almost lost you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

[emotional happy music playing in the background]

Doctor: I have to say, I am going to miss you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: And I– [Doctor sits on patient’s bed] I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: I know you must have a million thoughts racing through your mind. [Doctor stands and looks away] You are driving me crazy. Every time I look at you, I just want to climb on that bed and make sweet love to you.

Chad: Nice.

[Chad is lowering his patient bad to make it horizontal]

Doctor: But we can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad lifts his patient bed again]

Doctor: I’m your doctor, for god’s sake.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: But I must confess. [Doctor opens her hair bun] I’ve fantasized about lying on your chest as you play with my hair. Talking about our lives. [whispering] Our hopes. Our dreams.

Chad: I peed. [Chad passes Doctor his urine bowl. Doctor takes it and puts it away.]

Doctor: I understand if my argument lacks validity.

Chad: Ha-ha. Titty.

Doctor: But it can never happen. I would be fired for becoming involve with a patient. Is it crazy that I would be willing to risk my entire career to be with you, Chad?

[Doctor turns around. Chad is gone.]

Chad?

[Doctor walks out of the patient’s room. She looks around. Chad is running around on automatic wheelchair.]

Chad, could you please come back here for a moment?

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks in and lies on the bed]

Doctor: As a doctor, I listened to hearts everyday. It’s time I listen to my own. It wants you, Chad. Ooh, god, it’s racing right now.

[Chad is looking at his genitals]

Chad: Yo, is that a zip or herpes?

Doctor: [looking at Chad’s genitals] I think it’s a little ingrown hair.

Chad: Dope!

Doctor: Now, get some sleep, young man. And dream about me. [Doctor leans towards Chad’s ear and whispers] Doctor’s orders.

Chad: Okay.

[Doctor walks to the door, stops and looks behind]

Doctor: And Chad.

[Chad is already sleeping.]

[door knocking]

[Mikey walks in with Chad’s food.]

[to Mikey] You know, I never asked how he got sick?

Mikey: Oh, his friend dared him to eat dog turd.

[Doctor looks at Chad]

Doctor: God, that’s sexy.

Car Hunk

Arie… Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner

Lauren C. …Cecily Strong

Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Car Hunk intro]

Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.

[Cut to Arie. He is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand.]

Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.

[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]

Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Lauren C. walks in.]

Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren B. walks out and Lauren C. takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.

Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.

Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.

Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.

Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?

Jessica: Eating Tide pods.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.

[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?

[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]

Luke: Does it matter?

Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.

Luke: I love that.

Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.

[Melissa walks in.]

Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.

Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.

Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]

Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.

Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.

Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?

Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.

[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]

Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.

Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.

Aidy: You got it.

[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek]

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.

Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.

Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.

Arie: I’ll walk you out.

[The End]

Amazon’s New Headquarters

Jeff Bezos… Kyle Mooney

Jeanine Flanigan… Jessica Chastain

Tommy Geleki… Beck Bennett

Casey Affleck… Mikey Day

Reverand Jeremiah Green… Kenan Thompson

Camelle Lo… Leslie Jones

Shep Pauladinau… Aidy Bryant

Corey Booker… Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jeff Bezos in his Amazon office.]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, are we ready for the presentations?

Alexa: Yes, sir. We are down to twenty cities for our new Amazon headquarters.

Jeff Bezos: Great. The winning city would get 50,000 new jobs and billions of dollars. Alexa, isn’t this exciting?

Alexa: Yes, it is exciting.

Jeff Bezos: And just to make sure, Alexa, who is the richest man in the world?

Alexa: The richest man in the world is Jeff Bezus.

Jeff Bezos: Close enough. Um, let’s begin.

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Boston.

[rock music playing]

[Jeanine Flanigan and Tommy Geleki walk in]

Jeanine Flanigan: Hey, Jeff.

Tommy Geleki: How are you doing, Chief?

Jeanine Flanigan: Thank you for having us, Mr. Bezos. [music stops] My name is Jeanine Flanigan.

Tommy Geleki: And I’m Tommy Geleki.

Jeanine Flanigan: And we are from Boston’s chamber of commerce. We’d like to present you with a pound of Dunken doughnut’s coffee. Dock Roast.

Tommy Geleki: The good stuff.

Jeanine Flanigan: And two tickets to store Centway Park.

Tommy Geleki: Yeah. Upper level. You know, we’re not millennials– millionairs, sorry.

Jeanine Flanigan: Ha-ha. Look, Mr. Bezos, Boston is the best.

Tommy Geleki: The best.

Jeanine Flanigan: I’ll take it, but don’t take it from us. Take it from Oscar winning actor, Mr. Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in]

Casey Affleck: How are you doing?

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey was so excited when he heard Boston was in Amazon headquarter finalist.

Casey Affleck: Yeah. Um, this guy, I guess. I don’t know.

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey, you grew up in Boston. Wouldn’t Amazon love it there?

Casey Affleck: Umm.. yeah. I don’t know. I, um, I live in LA now. Maybe, um– Maybe put your office there.

Tommy Geleki: Oh my god, Casey! Bro!

Casey Affleck: You think you’re better than us?

Tommy Geleki: Okay, okay. Let’s take this outside. Thank you so much, Mr. Bezos. [to Casey Affleck] Are you going to Hollywood, bro?

Jeff Bezos: I like em’. They’re passionate. Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Atlanta.

[Jeremiah, Camelle and Shep walk in]

Jeremiah: Yeah. What’ good, partner? Man, y’all need to come see the A filming. Let’s do the damn thing, man. My name is Reverand Jeremiah Green. And I am here on behalf of the mayor’s office.

Camelle: And I am Camelle Lo from Atlanta’s office of business development.

Shep: And I’m Shep Pauladinau and I’ma be careful what I say.

Jeremiah: Ay, look here, man. Atlanta’s made for business, okay? Airport’s only 20 minutes away from downtown.

Camelle: Two hours with traffic.

Jeremiah: We had Olympics there back in 96.

Camelle: The one with the bomb.

Jeremiah: And you know, Atlanta has these wonderful places where people from all walks of life come together.

Camelle: It’s called the Waffle house.

Jeremiah: Yeah. We ready. So, today, we present you some of the symbols of our city, a can of Coca-Cola and a sandwich from Chipotle.

Shep: And I brought my delicious signature three butter pudding, y’all. It’s the dish that American Heart Association rated ‘doubt’.

Jeremiah: And to show you how much we love Amazon, we give you an Atlanta t-shirt delivered by Amazon drone.

[a drone is flying over them]

Hey! Man, I don’t trust that thing.

Camelle: Oh, hell no. Let’s get out. That’s the police.

Jeremiah: That’s the police.

Camelle: That’s the police.

Jeff Bezos: Um, we’ll be in touch. Um, Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Newark.

[Corey Booker walks in]

Corey Booker: Hello, Mr. Bezos. My name is Corey Booker and I am so proud to be representing Newark, a city on the rise. By the way, I know we’re not getting this at all. And that gives me [yelling in squeaky voice] authentic rage! This is a nice office. Anyway, have a good day. #AuthenticRage.

[Corey Booker walks out]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Miami.

[Melissa and Cecily walk in]

Melissa: Ola, Mr. Bezos. We are from the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Miami. A diverse group of people all living in harmony together. Cubans, Jews, gays.

Cecily: Lizards, bugs, beans, cocaine.

Melissa: And featuring, Pitbull.

[Pitbull walks in]

[music playing]

Pitbull: Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Putbull starts dancing]

Melissa and Cecily: [singing] It is Miami and it is loco
It is Miami and it is loco

Pitbull: Yeah! 2018, Miami. This is all I do. Hah! Hah! Hah! Pitbull, dale!

Melissa: Today, we present you with the tasty pina colada.

Cecily: And a souvenir of our city. Pitbull.

Pitbull: Hah!

Jeff Bezos: He’s all your’s now.

Pitbull: Hah! Pitbull! A-bi-ano-bi! Dale! Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Melissa, Cecily and Pitbull walk out]

Jeff Bezos: Wow, this is a tough decision, Alexa. Who should I choose?

Alexa: I didn’t hear that.

Jeff Bezos: It’s okay. I love you.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Sons LaMelo and LiAngelo

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, 1.6 million people watched on Facebook as LaVar Ball’s sons LiAngelo and LaMelo made their debut for Basketball team at Lithuania. Here to comment is LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in]

[cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Yeah. Yeah. Triple B. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m magnificent.

Michael Che: You’re in the good mood.

LaVar Ball: Why shouldn’t I be? I’m an internet sensation. I’m a multi-billionaire.

Michael Che: Alright. You’re not.

LaVar Ball: I own 16 Toyota Corollas. And I’m the only man in history to out pizza the hut. Never lost.

Michael Che: And you just got back from the Lithuania?

LaVar Ball: You damn right. I flew all the way. Business economy. Middle seat. One hotel room to share. The only hotel in Lithuania is in the back of the soup restaurant. Never not smell like cabbage. Never not a cabbage.

Michael Che: Never not the cabbage. So, just to be clear, you took 19 year old LiAngelo out of college and 16 year old LaMelo out of high school to play Eastern Europe basketball? I mean, were they okay with that?

LaVar Ball: Man, they living the dream, Michael. I told em’, “Pack up your things. We moving up. I’m taking you out of this dump called Los Angeles. And we’re going to pray new. Where the forecast is always a crisp, -2 degrees celsius. And a 100% chance of freezing rain. Never dry. Never dry.”

Michael Che: And you think the Lithuania league is good training to play in NBA?

LaVar Ball: Absolutely. I love the Lithuanian league. All white team mates. Nobody above 140 pounds.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

LaVar Ball: Vitamin deficiencies. Soft teeth. All layups. No dunks. Perfect training for the NBA. I love it. Every night the crowd of 61 people just goes wild. Cheering and waving wooden spoons in the air.

Michael Che: Alright. But, your Big Baller company has been having some problems lately. I saw you got an F from the Better Business Bureau.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t you talking bout no Better Business F rating Bureau. I told my kids that F stands for phenomenal. And yes, my kids are home schooled. Never taught them.

Michael Che: You know, the word is you’re getting a lot of complaints from customers.

LaVar Ball: Well, that don’t matter. Coz I just launched a first Big Baller product in Lithuania. And it’s selling millions. Fresh from the wild streets of business. It’s called Beats by LaVar.

Michael Che: Oh! So, the headphones?

LaVar Ball: No, no. They’re just Beats from the ground with the roots still on. They so baller, they make your dookie redder than Santa Clause.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh, my god.

LaVar Ball: Order your’s today and it will arrive between one and 11 months.

Michael Che: LaVar Ball everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Aidy Bryant

Colin Jost

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin JostColin Jost: It was reported this week that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for the reshoots of the movie ‘All The Money In The World’ while his co-star Michelle Williams made only $80 a day. Here to comment is Aidy Bryant.

[Aidy Bryant slides in]

Aidy Bryant: Whoo. Hi, Colin. Hey.

Colin Jost: How are you? Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. Thank you for having me. And I’m sorry I rolled out here kind of weird. Did I ruin it?

Colin Jost: No. Of course you didn’t ruin anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. I know. I just do that. You know. I t’s kind of my natural state because I, like most girls, have been taught to be accommodating and polite. Like, once, I felt bad about telling an Uber driver that he made a wrong turn and so I just went with him to New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, what does that have to do with Michelle Williams?

Aidy Bryant: Well, I guess I just understand the impulse to be accommodating, you know? Like, I easily could have been in Michelle William’s position. I mean, not in the position of being in a movie. I have only been in one movie and it was Spiderman 1 and I had one line and it was uncredited. Although, I was recently offered the role of fat ugly prison who brings inmates sex and cake. And that’s real.

Colin Jost: God, wow. What do you think of the public response to the story?

Aidy Bryant: Well, everyone’s talking about how women should negotiate harder and ask for more money. And that’s true. And I really think women are ready to do that. But I feel like maybe, just maybe, men could be just like [showing a tiny amount using her fingers] this much more dees. You know?

Colin Jost: Little dees? Like, decent?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I wanna say decent but I’m trying to keep it like, cool and chill so I don’t come off like a shrew.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you’re saying we kind of need to find like, a middle ground. Right?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, equal pay is the goal. But, at this point, I’d be happy to just even gain like, a couple of yards. And yes, that’s a straight up sports reference for da’ boys.

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah.

Aidy Bryant: All that I’m saying is if I’m going to be more like, Mark Wahlberg, then maybe Mark Wahlberg can take a little trip inside my brain. Which is just a tornado of “Are you okay? Is she okay? I’m sorry. Here’s $50.”

Colin Jost: So, you think people should act more like that?

Aidy Bryant: No, Colin. No one should act like this. It’s the prison of the mind.

Colin Jost: Well, Mark Wahlberg did announce that he is donating his salary from the reshoots to the time’s up legal fund.

Aidy Bryant: Yes. And that’s great. That’s the right thing to do. But it would be so cool if it didn’t take a week long public shaming to do the right thing. Maybe do it daily private shaming which is what I have done my entire damn life.

Colin Jost: That sounds like some very good advice, Aidy. Yes.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, to quote Kate Yeager, Mark Wahlberg’s character from Transformers, “I think we just found a transformer.” I’m sorry, that’s the wrong quote. It was, um, “You gotta have faith, Prime, in who we can be.” See, Colin? We can all be transformers.

Colin Jost: Aidy Bryant, everyone.

Aidy Bryant: I love you. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Don’t apologize.

Weekend Update on H&M’s “Monkey” Hoodie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of H&M logo and a sweatshirt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: H&M has apologized after using a black child to model a sweatshirt with a logo “Coolest monkey in the jungle.” Worse, the shirt was made by [Picturechanges to an asian kid wearing “saddest child in the sweatshop” sweatshirt] the saddest child in the sweatshop. I said worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Steve Bannon announced that he will be stepping down from Breitbart news although technically he’s not stepping down so much as he’s sliding away in a trail of mucus.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was reported that back in December, president Trump during the meeting in the oval office referred to a member of the staff as a ‘Pretty Korean lady’. Worse, it was Jared Kushner.

Weekend Update on Fire and Fury

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the book ‘Fire and Fury’ by Michael Wolff at left top corner.]

The book Fire and Fury, a salacious expose of the Trump White House was released last week. And then this week, the sequal wrote itself. [Picture changes to the same book, but the title is ‘S—hole countries’.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

During an oval office meeting, Trump attacked protections for immigrants from African countries which he called S-holes. That’s what NBC asked us to say, by the way. S hole. Even though the president can say shit hole. Oops! I feel bad at this point for parents with young children. Every word you tell your kid not to say, they can be like, “But the president gets to say it.” The most insane thing is that Trump has said all of this racist stuff right before Martin Luther King day. Which is like pounding a case of beer on your way to rehab. Now, I’m just worried about what he’s gonna say the day before passover.

Trump also said that instead, we should take more immigrants from countries like Norway. And Norweigians were like, “America? We’re not going to that shatter oven.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Can I be honest? When someone asks me, “Did you hear what Donald Trump called Haiti in Africa?” I was like, “Oh, boy. Did it start with an N?” But then I heard what he said and I was like, “That’s it?” I’ve said that about countries for not having CBS. Here’s the thing. My job is to make jokes about the news. But Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said, “You know what we need more in this country? Hasians.”

And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life and I’ve been asked to go back to Africa several times. And it has never been because they thought I enjoy it there.

[Picture changes to a map of Africa]

But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? I mean, they’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by western powers. So, the president of the United States calling Africa a shit hole is like telling the kid you molested, “Boy, did you grow up to be weird.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that just before the election last year, president Trump’s personal lawyer arranged a six figure payment to cover up an alleged affair between Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels. So, at least there’s one storm Trump will pay for. Now, let me just say what a thrill it is to be alive in a time where a porn star blackmails president is like the forth biggest story of the week. At this rate in a year from now, we’re gonna see the headline, “Trump found with dead hooker” right next to the crossword puzzle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a cabinet meeting on Thursday, president Trump called for toughening the country’s liable laws to make it easier for people to sue media outlets for making false claims. Let’s take a listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the meeting]

Donald Trump: Can’t say things that are false. Knowingly false. And be able to smile as money pores into your bank account.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: And with a straight face. His lack of self awareness is almost adorable. And again, he’s not totally wrong about this. He’s just the worst possible person to point this out to us. He lies all the time. It’s like listening to OJ complain about the loopholes in the justice system.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump said it seems unlikely he would have to be interviewed by Robert Mueller as part of the Russia probe because “they have no collusion.” It’s almost like I’ve heard him say that before.

[Cut different video clips of to Donald Trump saying “There is no collusion’ at different speeches.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

He says “No collusion” the way a dumb ass frat guy says “No homo.” So, I met up with a Russian guy the other night. No collusion. Also, just repeating a phrase over and over again doesn’t make it true. For example, ever since Trump got elected, half the country has been repeating the phrase, “This can’t be happening.” And yet, somehow it is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new interview, president Trump said that his tweets antagonizing Kim Jong-Un are part of his strategy saying, “You see that a lot with me. Then all of a sudden, somebody is my best friend.” It’s a strategy experts are calling, “Early on set dementia.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Speaking of dementia, Trump underwent a physical exam on Friday and a staff released a statement announcing that Trump is in “excellent health.” That’s right. This guy, president drum stick is in excellent health. [Picture changes to Donald Trump enjoying kFC drum sticks] I think I wanna see the full medical report because unless it’s chart says “Blood type: Thick,” I’m skeptical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oprah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After Oprah went for Golden Globe speech, many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Argh! Can’t we just have a regular run for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me, “Hey, did you hear what the president said?” and I’d be like, [annoyed voice] “No.”

Weekend Update Christopher Columbus statue

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of statue of Christopher Columbus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York City Commission on Monuments has decided that statues of controversial historical figures such as Christopher Columbus will not be torn down because it’s just not what we care about this week.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of GM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: General motors announced that it’s making a line of self driving cars that has no steering wheel, no gas or break pedals, no windows, and it’s a coffin.

[Picture changes to a toilet bowl.]

Kohler has introduced a new toilet that can be flushed by voice command. So, get ready to hear your co-worker in the next stall yelling, “Flush! Please, flush. For the love of god, flush!”

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [looking at Colin Jost] It was just one time.

Tucci Gang

Lil Pump… Pete Davidson

Stanley Tucci

[Starts with Lil Pump and Sam Rockwell getting out of a Lamborghini.]

[Instrumental music of ‘Gucci Gang’ by Lil’ Pump playing]

Lil Pump: Yo! Lil Pump. Sam Rockwell. There’s a certain guy. He’s a character actor we both love. He’s very under appreciated. This is for our boy Stanley. [There’s a picture of Stanley Tucci]

Esketit!

[rapping] Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang
some of you don’t know the name
but that’s that guy from the Hunger Games
Transformers, the last night
Beauty and the Beast, and Spotlight
writer and director of Big Night
Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang 

Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang
some of you don’t know the name
but that’s that guy from the Hunger Games
married Felicity Blunt
sister of Emily Blunt
my man two chins with a blunt

Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang 

32 years in the biz
I’mma big fan of his
I got my respect for his range
He should have been Doctor Strange

The Devil wears Prada was sick
if you don’t like Stan, your’e a dick
he adds value to your flick
if you don’t like Stan, you a bitch

He did two movies with Streep
I wanna name my son Tucci
did you know my man had a cookbook?
and he was the co-owner of a restaurant

Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang
some of you don’t know the name
but that’s that guy from the Hunger Games
Transformers, the last night
Beauty and the Beast, and Spotlight
writer and director of Big Night
Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang