Tag: season 43

Science Show

Mr. Science… Sam Rockwell

Lony… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with PBS Kids show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching PBS Kids. At twelve, it’s ‘Math Bus’, followed by ‘Grammar Bus.’ But first, a classic 1996 episode of ‘The Science Room with Mr. Science.’

[Cut to The Science Room video bumper]

[Cut to Mr. Science in his science lab. He is looking at a skeleton.]

Mr. Science: What a bone head. Hey, junior scientists. Today in the science room, we’re discussing a very important matter. Matter. [Mr. Science walks to Lony and Josh] And helping me today are two student scientists, Lony and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Kind of nervous.

Lony: Nervous.

Mr. Science: Well, don’t be nervous. Besides, it’s fun, right? High-five. [Mr. Science gives his hand to Josh but Josh doesn’t high-five him back] Okay. These guys are gonna help with some experiments involving matter. And there are three phases of matter. Liquid, [holds a glass of water] like this water. Solid like this table. Lony, you know the third one?

Lony: Um, water?

Mr. Science: No. Josh?
Josh: Um.

Mr. Science: Liquid? Josh?

Josh: The table.

Mr. Science: No. Remember, the table is solid. Here’s a hint. Sometimes you can’t even see it.

Lony: Behind me?

Mr. Science: No. Last guess. Josh?

Josh: Science?

Mr. Science: It’s gas. It’s gad.

Lony: Oh, yes. Gas.

Mr. Science: Our first experiment is easy to do at home. All you need is some vegetable oil. [Lony and Josh try to hold the vegetable oil bottle that’s on the table] Don’t do that. A glass of water. [Lony and Josh try to hold the glass of water that’s on the table] No need. What are you doing? And some… [Lony and Josh try to hold the food color that’s on the table] Okay. Stop. And some food coloring. Some food coloring to put in the water. Lony, Josh, what do you think will happen when I pour the oil into the water?

Lony: It will explode.

Mr. Science: What? No. Josh?

Josh: Um, nothing.

Mr. Science: Well, something has to happen. Oil is less dense than water. So, do you think it will sink or float?

Josh: The water or the oil?

Mr. Science: Oil.

Josh: Oh, then the water?

Lony: Oh, I think it’s the oil.

Mr. Science: Let’s just do the experiment. Helpers, remind the kids at home what the science room’s number one rule is.

Lony: Um, oh, don’t like– don’t let touch me under my clothes.

Mr. Science: What? No. No. I mean, yeah, of course that’s the rule. But that’s not the main rule. The answers have fun. That was really upsetting. Okay, come on. Get close and look here. [Lony and Josh get too close to the glass] Too close. Too close. Too close. [Lony and Josh move back] Now, I’m gonna pour the oil–

Lony: No, it’s gonna explode.

[Lony and Josh hide under the table]

Mr. Science: No. It’s not going to explode. Come back, guys. Not gonna explode. Here comes the oil. [Mr. Science puts the oil in the water] Okay, now, watch the oil.

[Josh picks the bottle of oil and looks at it]

No, not that oil, Josh. I just poured the oil into the water. The oil is–

Josh: False.

Mr. Science: This isn’t a true or false, Josh.

Lony: True.

Mr. Science: You can’t be this… stupid. I’m sorry. No. Kids aren’t stupid. Just say what you see, okay? Say what you see.

Lony: What you see.

Mr. Science: Come on. Are you kidding me? Just look at it. The oil went down into the water. Then it went back to the–

Josh: Future?

Mr. Science: No. It floated back–

Josh: To the future part two?

Mr. Science: No. I’m pointing to it. Where is it? And do not say back to the future part three. The oil went back–

Lony: To the future part three?

Mr. Science: [yelling] To the top. [Mr. Science throws the glass away angrily] The top. I wish it would explode so I get you– you guys– explode your faces until you work it out with me. [calmly] Okay, we’re gonna take a short break so I can calm down, and we’ll be right back.

Josh: To the future.

[Mr. Science punches Josh down]

Sam Rockwell Monologue

Sam Rockwell

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Rockwell.

[Sam Rockwell walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sam Rockwell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. My name is Sam Rockwell. Now, most of you probably know me as that guy from that movie. You know, I’m talking about not the main guy but the other guy. And when you see him, you’re like, “Oh, this guy. I like this guy. He’s pretty good.” But thank you. That’s me.

[cheers and applause]

I’ve been a working actor for over 30 years and I’ve got in to disappearing to many great roles but– and just last week, the worst thing that could ever happen to a character actor happened to me. I won an award and [cheers and applause] — yeah. And I said, “Whoa! Am I a big ass honking movie star now? Did I just go from actor to big as deal?” Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, I was a character actor all my life and now I might actually just go full leading man. Yeah, I might as well start right now.

[band playing music]

[Sam Rockwell starts dancing]

[singing] a little less conversation, little more action please
all this aggravation in expecting of me

[A red carpet rolls to Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell starts walking and dancing on the red carpet. The dancers come to him.]

Hey, who are these guys?

[Sam Rockwell continues dancing and walking towards the backstage hallway]

Whoo! Ninjas? [Two ninjas walk in.] Hey, come on! [Sam Rockwell beats the two ninjas.] Hey, alright!

[Sam Rockwell then walks out of the door. There is a paparazzi.]

[Sam Rockwell walks into Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Sam Rockwell. I see you’re a leading man now. Just in time, [points a gun on Sam Rockwell’s face] to die. [Sam Rockwell takes the gun away and holds Cecily Strong by her waist] Oh, Sam. [Sam Rockwell is trying to kiss Cecily Strong] Oh, we can’t do kissing scenes anymore. We had a whole HR meeting about it.

[Cecily Strong walks out. Leslie Jones walks in.]

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. Ah. [Leslie Jones holds Sam Rockwell tight] Now, you know I didn’t go to that meeting.

[Leslie Jones kisses Sam Rockwell]

Whoo!

[Leslie Jones holds a rose by her teeth and starts dancing with Sam Rockwell]

You better not tell HR.

[Sam Rockwell pushes Leslie Jones out of the exit door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Colin Jost]

Sam Rockwell: Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, man. Break a leg tonight.

Sam Rockwell: You break one.

[Sam Rockwell kicks Cecily Strong out through the door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Sam, well, you’re a big ass deal.

Sam Rockwell: Hey. So are you. Wanna dance?

Kate McKinnon: Sure.

[Sam Rockwell and Kate McKinnon dance and walk forward]

Wow, I can’t believe it.

[They run into ninjas again and beat them.]

Go, get em’ baby. I got it.
Sam Rockwell: Thanks baby.

[Sam Rockwell wears a magician hat and holds a magic stick. Then he walks to the SNL stage and stands on cameraman’s crane.]

Come on, come on. Hey, come on. Yeah. Let’s make this damn good. Let’s have a good time. Come on.

[There are backup dancers on the stage. Sam Rockwell walks to the stage and dances with them.]

[music stops]

We got a great show. Halsey is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Peter Pan

Kyle Mooney

Captain Hook… Sam Rockwell

Peter Pan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a book “Peter Pan” opening.]

[Cut to a ship where there are pirates and four hostages tied to a pole]

Kyle: We are on tie right now, Hook. Peter Pan is sure to catch wind of your plan. And when he dies, you’ll be sorry.

Captain Hook: Peter Pan, Peter Pan. Peter Pan can offer you the lost boys half there is as I can. Join me in my pirate and a life of adventure will be your’s forever.

[music playing]

[Captain Hook starts dancing]

Pirates: [singing] Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
you’ll love a life of a thief
You’ll relish the life of a crook
And you’ll get treasures by the ton
Join up with Captain Hook!

Hostage: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Captain Hook: That’s right, boys. Now you’re part of crew.

Pete: So, what do we do first? Loot some treasure?

Mikey: The lost boys are here to serve you.

Captain Hook: Hmm. Before we get to the main pirate stuff, let me ask you a question.

Mikey: What is it, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: Is this weird?

Luke: Is what weird?

Captain Hook: Just… I don’t know. The fact that I’m sort of encouraging all these young guys to hang out with my boat. Just from an optic stand point. Is that gonna look weird?

Pete: I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s fun.

Captain Hook: Well, I think it’s fun too. I’m having a great time. But, it’s just that in today’s climate, does this good really, really bad?

Mikey: No, it’s exciting.

Captain Hook: You say that now but how about when you grow up?

Luke: But we won’t grow up. We can’t.

Pete: Yeah. We’re in these pre-teen boy bodies forever.

Kenan: I’m gonna go.

Captain Hook: Huh? Where are you going?

Kenan: I’m not gonna make a big deal about it. Just gonna go ahead and get out of here. Yeap.

[Kenan jumps out of the ship.]

Captain Hook: Oh, my god! It is weird. It is weird. Hey, do you think it’s weird?

Beck: I’m okay so far.

Mikey: What are you so worried about, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret my motives here.

Luke: Well, what are you motives?

Captain Hook: I just think boys are fun. They have youthful energy and they are up for anything.

Pete: Yeah. Like, in a harmless Michael Jackson way.

Beck: Okay, I’m out too. Forward my check, okay?

[Beck jumps out of the ship too.]

Captain Hook: Oh, god! No!

Mikey: Don’t worry, Mr. Hook. We’ll never say anything bad about you.

Captain Hook: Then what are you going to say? Let’s practice.

Pete: I don’t know. Just that we hang around in dirty pajamas and party with older guys  with earrings.

Kyle: Yeah. Kind of like a Bryan singer pool party vibe.

Captain Hook: Okay, okay. Can I just say for the record that if you guys never grow up, you can technically be 40 years old and I would have no idea.

Mikey: I’m 14.

Luke: I’m 10.

Pete: I’m a tall nine.

Kyle: I’m 36. So, I’m realizing I’m also in sort of a weird spot right now.

Captain Hook: Oh my god!

[Peter Pan jumps into the ship]

Hostages: Peter!

Peter Pan: Well, well, you very bad man. [showing Captain Hook his small knife]

Captain Hook: Oh my god. What have you had?

Peter Pan: All I know is it’s time for one of our special sword fights. I know mine is smaller than your’s but I’ll still stick it in you.

Captain Hook: That’s it for me. The ship’s your’s. Consider this hush money.

[Captain Hook also jumps out of the ship]

[The hostages and Peter Pan start celebrating]

[Cut to the book closing]

My Drunk Boyfriend

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Luke Null

Boyfriend Doll… Kyle Mooney

Girlfriend Doll… Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aidy getting drinks at the bar. Cecily is waiting for her. Aidy walks back with two cocktails.]

Aidy: Whoo! I hope you’re having fun. I know it sucks Brad’s out of town.

Cecily: Yeah, you know. But it’s still nice to have some me time. Right?

[Beck walks to Aidy and hugs her]

Beck: There she is.

Aidy: Babe, stop.

[Beck is drunk]

Beck: What? I can’t help it. I love you so much. [Beck is walking a little backwards. She spills a stranger’s drink.]

Stranger: Watch it, guy.

Beck: Oh, you wanna fight me? Let’s get it, bro.

Aidy: Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get him out of here.

[Aidy pulls Beck away]

Cecily: Okay. I’ll see you guys later.

Beck: You’ll never find a love like this.

Aidy: Okay. That’s enough.

[Cecily looks at Cecily and Beck walk away carefully]

Female voice: Wishing your man was here? He would be a handful. But wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend. [Cut to Cecily receiving the box of doll delivered in her home] The only life sized doll guaranteed to make you feel like your man is right there with you. And he is hammered. [Cecily opens the box. There’s a real looking doll guy.] 150 pounds of dead weight. [Cecily is trying to take  the doll out, but she is falling with the doll.] And you get to be his babysitter. Designed to mimic the behavior of the sloppy grown man that you can’t get enough of. Programmed to say over 200 unique phrases.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I think I’m going to take piano lessons.

Female voice: It’s always a fun night with My Drunk Boyfriend.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] Cops. I want to watch Cops.

Female voice: You’ll love hearing about his big plans.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I’m gonna call my boss and quit.

Female voice: Or when he cries over a dead relative he never mentioned before.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk crying] My Uncle! [sobbing] My uncle!

Female voice: With My Drunk Boyfriend beside you, you’ll never miss out on a night of rolling him over when he snores. And oh no, watch out. My Drunk Boyfriend has a timer set to get up in the middle of the night and pee into your hamper.

Melissa: No. No. That’s the laundry.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I did good, right?

Female voice: Plus, with a new My Drunk Boyfriend expansion pack, you’ll get all sorts of accessories. Like, pants that don’t come all the way off. A charred frozen pizza that he brought into bed. A glass of water he will ignore. And just a one more beer. My Drunk Boyfriend. He’s a problem, but he’s your problem.

Male voice: From the makes of My Drunk Girlfriend.

[Cut to a female doll]

Girlfriend doll: [drunk voice] Are you mad at me?

Alex: Yeah. [smiling at camera] I’m mad at you.

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.]

[cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey]

[cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Marcus Comes to Dinner

Richard… Sam Rockwell

Aidy Bryant

Tim… Alex Moffat

Marcus… Chris Redd

[Starts with Richard and Aidy waiting for the guests in home]

Richard: What time are Tim and his friend coming over?

Aidy: Okay, it’s Tim’s boyfriend, Richard. If we’re going to make an effort then we really have to make an effort.

Richard: Yeah. Boyfriend. I’m sorry. Their light has part I don’t like.

[Cut to Tim and Marcus outside the door.]

Tim: Yeah. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. Just we’ll be out of here in like an hour, tops. Okay?

Marcus: Yeah. If you say so.

Tim: Yeah.

Marcus: Um, do they know I’m a pornstar?

Tim: What? No. No. God. I didn’t tell them that. Why would I tell them that you are a pornstar?

[Aidy opens the doory]

Aidy: Timmy?

[Tim and Marcus walk inside the door]

Tim: Hey!

Aidy: Oh, come on in here, guys.

Richard: Hey.

Tim: How are you doing?

Richard: [looks at Marcus] Wait, um. Never mind.

Marcus: Oh.

Tim: Um, you know, we’re really happy to see you guys.

Aidy: Of course. Have a seat, you guys. You know, we are so happy to have our little angel home and you must be Marcus.

Marcus: Yes, ma’am.

Richard: Does Marcus seem familiar to you?

Aidy: How so?

Richard: I don’t know. Marcus, do I know you?

Marcus: Nah, we never met.

Richard: Really? I feel like I see you all the time. Are you working at that coffee shop on second or something? Where do I know you from? What do you do?

Marcus: Some freelance stuff.

Tim: You know, Marcus is a dental hygienist. He cleans teeth. It’s all he does.

[Aidy has a wine and wine opener in her hands]

Aidy: Oh, well, sweetie, there’s no need to be tensed. Your father and I are very much happy that both of you are here. You know, I am struggling with this thing. Can one of you open it?

Marcus: Oh, definitely. I will definitely.

[Marcus gets the wine bottle and the opener. He puts it between his legs and he is making noises while using his strength.]

Richard: I would disagree on a lot son. I’m getting used to your lifestyle. We can still be a fit family. [Richard is looking at Marcus making noises with a bottle between his legs] I was thinking maybe you could join us at church sometime.

Marcus: So hard sometimes, you know?

Richard: God, where do I know you from?

Tim: Hey, dad! Dad, can you just drop it?

Richard: You work at a Crunch? I know I’ve seen you.

Marcus: Yeah. That’s becoming very clear. Very clear.

Aidy: Well, you know boys, I got those sneaker doodle cookies that you like. They’re in the kitchen. You know, the thing about these two boys is that they share everything the same. They got the same taste in everything.

Marcus: Yeah. I’m very popular with certain type of democraphic.

Tim: Um, mom, how’s Kathleen?

Aidy: Well, she’s out of control. I mean she has two tattoos. Now, you don’t have any tattoos, do you Tim?

Tim: No, mom.

Aidy: What about you, Marcus?

Marcus: Well, I got a couple.

Richard: Couple of guns right above your butt. Oh! You’re a gay pornstar. That’s what it is. I feel so stupid. I got one of my top tier gay pornstar in my house and we’re giving him cookies. I can’t believe I wore this shirt to meet Marco Pumpgood like an idiot. I have cuter shirts, just so you know. See, I got confused earlier because you kind of look like Jason Thrust. But I thought, “No, no, he hasn’t been with the cocky boys for like..”, I don’t know, three years. But, you both went on that Palm Springs getaway together? Boy! As soon as I saw that trailer, that’s when I finally subscribed. Just bootlegging off that tube size for that but I wasn’t about to wait a whole week for that scene. Well, [walks to the door and gets his coat] anyhow, I guess I’m getting a divorce. Now, I’m probably stepping down this pastry. Goodbye, family.

[Richard walks out]

Aidy: Well, okay. So, that was a lot to take.

[Richard walks in again and takes his laptop with him]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And you’re gonna need your laptop. Sure. Okay. Well, so, Pumpgood, is that Irish or?

Marcus: Um, no, ma’am. It’s from porn.

Aidy: Yeah. I know that. It was a joke. My marriage just fell apart. Will you let me have one thing?

[The end]

Fashion Panel

Rochelle Koontz… Cecily Strong

Dean Swizz… Sam Rockwell.

Angelo Dolphintuna… Kenan Thompson.

Silvia Nunez… Melissa Villaseñor

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ‘E’ intro]

Female voice: You’re watching E. It’s okay. You also read books.

[Cut to the set of ‘The Look’]

Rochelle Koontz: Welcome to ‘The Look’, E’s red carpet run down where we are now fashion positive. The times are changing and we’re trying to keep up. Ha-ha-ha. So I have read. I’m Rochelle Koontz and joining me is my co-host, Dean Swizz.

Dean Swizz: Thank you Rochelle, my favorite woman in E. Hey, on the count of three, let’s just say what we get paid. One, two, three. $600,000

Rochelle Koontz: $40,000

Dean Swizz: Okay. That backfired.

Rochelle Koontz: Sure did. Alright, today we’re joined by panel regular and stylist to the stars, Angelo Dolphintuna.

[Angelo Dolphintuna joins. He is wearing a suit and a luxurious fur outer.]

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yes. And please checkout my new book, ‘Work, Bitch: How I overcame prostate cancer.’

Dean Swizz: We love that.

Rochelle Koontz: We love that. Alright. And in the spirit of this year’s Golden Globes, we are delighted to welcome our guest panelist, Silvia Nunez. [Silvia Nunez joins] Director of ‘Our House Women’s Shelter.’ Silvia, why don’t you tell us a little bit about the work you do.

Silvia Nunez: At our house, we provide women–

Rochelle Koontz: [interrupting] Amazing.

Dean Swizz: Someone should provide women.

Rochelle Koontz: Yeah. If you’re watching to look, so let’s see those Golden Globes looks. [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] First up, it’s Kate Hudson wearing Valentino. Panel, how do we feel about this look?

Dean Swizz: Ooh, I’m gonna say she looks empowered?

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yeah. She definitely looks as good as a man, if not, better. Can I say that?

Rochelle Koontz: You know what? I don’t even see a dress. I see a CEO. What do you think, Sylvia?

Silvia Nunez: Um, I think she looks beautiful.

Dean Swizz: Really? Really, Silvia? Beautiful? Let’s try and not to just judge people based on their looks.

Silvia Nunez: This show is called ‘The Look.’

Rochelle Koontz: Ah! [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay, next up, we have Eva Longoria rocking that pregnancy glow.

Angelo Dolphintuna: Okay. The hair. The make up. The jewelry. I wanna say all went to college?

Rochelle Koontz: Or even Harvard.

Dean Swizz: I hope her babies are girls so she can change the world more. Oh, wait. [listening to his earpiece] I’m hearing it’s a boy. Well, boo.

Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna: Boo.

Dean Swizz: We hate that, right Silvia?

Silvia Nunez: Why is that bad?

Dean Swizz: Maybe you’re right. Maybe he will be gay.

[Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna clap]

Rochelle Koontz: Well, before women were brave, this next segment was called ‘Puker Bar.’ But now it’s called ‘I respect her choice.’  Angelo, you’re up first with Debra Messing.

Angelo Dolphintuna: [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay. Normally, I would say something like, “This hoe look like she got dressed by friendly mice.” But because of Twitter, I’m gonna say, “I respect that bitch’s choice.”

Dean Swizz: Okay. Well, we are so excited for today’s special guest.

Rochelle Koontz: Yes. She’s an actress. But she also has opinions. Please welcome Frances McDormand.

[Frances McDormand joins]

Frances McDormand: Hello. Get that out of there. Get that our of there.

Rochelle Koontz: No, that’s your camera.

Frances McDormand: Oh. Sorry. So, why was I, you know, booked for this?

Rochelle Koontz: Because we want raw powerful females represented on this show. And I don’t count.

Dean Swizz: McD, I saw this movie you were in. Three Billboards. It went straight over my head. But I do know you’re a sassy lady.

Frances McDormand: Well, in [bleep], it was really a [bleep] and I feel so [bleep] to have played a character like [bleep].

Rochelle Koontz: Oops. Sorry. You know, I think we accidentally bleeped a lot of what you just said.

Frances McDormand: Okay. It happens. I’m not cursing. It’s just the tone of my voice.

Rochelle Koontz: Well, congratulations on your Golden Globe. Now, are you wearing the same dress from the award?

Frances McDormand: Yeah. This is the dress. It’s from a production in 92.

Rochelle Koontz: Wow, we love that. Women can do anything.

Frances McDormand: Can I punch you in the face?

Dean Swizz: Ha-ha-ha. There it is. Right, Silvia? You wouldn’t kick her out of your house.

Silvia Nunez: My house for battered women?

Dean Swizz: Wow. Stepped in it.

Rochelle Koontz: Alright. This has been ‘The Look’ on E, reminding you that women are powerful and strong. Stay tuned for all new episode of ‘Fat whores of Miami beach.’

Chantix Commercial

Kelly… Cecily Strong

[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]

Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.

Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.

Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.

Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.

Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.

Kelly: Alright.

Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.

[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]

Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.

Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.

Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…

Female voice: For acting?

Kelly: We won for custumes.

[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]

Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.

Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.

[Cut to Kelly sitting on a sofa in her living room]

Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”

Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.

[Cut to Kelly crying]

Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”

Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.

Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]

Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–

[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]

Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.

Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.

[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]

Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.

Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.

Kelly: I’m talking full bush.

ATM

Kate McKinnon

Sam Rockwell

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with a car pulling over in the streets. It’s very dark.]

[Cut to Kate and Sam inside the car]

Kate: Wait, what are we doing? We’re stopping?

Sam: Yeah. Gotta get some cash.

Kate: [pointing towards ATM vestibule] In there?

Sam: That’s a bank, ain’t it?

Kate: I just– I don’t want to stop in this neighborhood.

Sam: Relax. It’ll be like, two minutes.

Kate: Okay. Well, hurry up.

[Sam opens the vestibule door using his card. Kenan comes running in the rain.]

Kenan: Yo, yo, yo, hold that door.

[Sam holds the door for Kenan. Kenan gets in and is cleaning up. He is a black man wearing a red sweatshirt. Sam looks at him and gets nervous. He doesn’t want to cash out in front of Kenan.]

Sam: You know what? You can go ahead if you want to.

Kenan: No man, you were first.

Sam: No, I’m not really in hurry. It’s fine.

Kenan: Neither am I. Go ahead, man.

Sam: You know what? It’s silly. I think I grabbed the wrong card.

[Sam and Kenan look at each other for some time]

Kenan: Oh, I get it. A black man followed you in here dressed like this. And now all of a sudden you grabbed the wrong card, huh?

Sam: No. No. No.

Kenan: Yo, I work my ass off 60 hours a week so I don’t have to steal from you or anybody else, alright?

Sam: It’s late, okay? You ran in here. I guess I got a little rattled, alright?

Kenan: Well, ay, here’s a tip. Not every black man is a damn thief, you racist bastard!

Sam: Okay. Sorry. I swear I’m not a racist, okay?

Kenan: Well, then, go first.

Sam: Alright. Fine. I’m gonna go first.

[Sam walks to the ATM machine and takes some cash out.]

Kenan: Yo man, ain’t you gonna count it? Make sure it’s right?

Sam: Yeah, it’s all here.

Kenan: Great. Well, then, give it to me. Give me the money.

[Kenan puts his hand inside his sweatshirt. It looks like he has a gun. Sam puts his both hands up.]

Sam: Hey, man. Um…

Kenan: [laughing] Ah! I was just kidding, man. Look how scared you were, man. You see that, right?

Sam: Yeah. You got me. Wow.

Kenan: We gotta stop that. Have a good night man.

Sam: Okay, man.

[Kenan walks to the ATM machine]

Hey man, I’m sorry again. Thank you for– I’m not a racist.

Kenan: No sweating, man. But hey, maybe next time, don’t freak out just because a black man wants to use the ATM machine.

Sam: Alright, fair enough. Sorry about that. Sorry, man.

[Sam walks out. There are a bunch of black young guys walking in.]

Chris: Yo, hold that door, man.

[Now Kenan is scared]

Kenan: Oh my good lord. Please don’t.

[Chris and his group walk in]

Chris: Hey, yo, what’s up, man? How you feel? What’s good, bitch? You’re using machine or what?

Kenan: Um, you know, you guys can just go ahead.

Chris: Oh, no. No. I wanna go second. I’m mad patient.

Kenan: The thing is I might have grabbed the wrong card.

Chris: Try it, dog. I’m feeling lucky, for you. Go ahead. Yeah. Be brave.

[Kenan walks to the machine. He slips a little.]

Ay! Watch yourself, big man.

[Kenan’s hand is shaking while putting his card into the ATM machine]

Hurry up, bitch! Come on. What? You nervous a black man walk in here, just wanna use ATM?

Kenan: No, my brother.

Chris: What’s taking you so long, dog?

Kenan: I told you it doesn’t seem to be working.

Chris: You try it again, dog. Come on. Breathe, man. Are you crying?

Kenan: No.

[The boys are laughing]

Chris: [yelling] Everybody stop laughing. I’m tired of waiting on you, dog.

Kenan: I wanna go home.

Chris: Suck it up, man!

[Kenan is crying]

[Cut to  Sam getting in his car.]

Kate: Can we get out of here? Coz I saw some sketchy looking guys earlier.

Sam: What do you mean sketchy?

Kate: You know, they were–

Sam: Black? You know, honey, you can’t just judge people by the way they look, you know. I mean, for all you know, they are hard working honest people just like us.

[Behind Sam, we can see that Chris and his friends are beating Kenan up.]

Kate: God, you’re right.

[Cut to Kenan getting beat up]

Kenan: Why don’t you just swipe the card? I wanna help you guys.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kate and Sam]

Sam: You know, you look really beautiful.

[Sam leans forward to kiss]

Kate: Whoa! No kissing.

Sam: Oh, that’s right. Because you’re a prostitute.

Kate: Yeah, that’s the rule.

[Cut to Kenan getting beat up]

[The End]

Weekend Update: Omarosa Manigault Newman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Omarosa Manigault Newman… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael che. There’s a picture of Omarosa Manigault Newman at right top corner.]

Michael che: It was announced that Omarosa Manigault Newman was fired from her White House job, whatever the hell that was. My guess is secretary of the sunken place. But Omarosa’s firing did prompt this outcry of support from black women.

[Cut to video clips of black women in TV news not being supportive to Omarosa Manigault Newman]

[Cut to Michael che]

Michael che: Man, when you get a bye from Robin Roberts, you know you suck.

[Omarosa Manigault Newman walks in]

Omarosa: Uh-uh! That is not accurate.

Michael che: Oh my! Omarosa? You’re still here?

Omarosa: Yes, Michael Che. And I demand a retraction. I left that job by choice.

Michael che: So you weren’t fired and forcefully removed from the White House?

Omarosa: That’s right. I quit.

Michael che: Okay.

Omarosa: I deactivated my ID card. I changed the locks on my own office. I escorted myself off the premises. And then, I threw myself into the bushes.

Michael che: Oh, is that so? Really?

Omarosa: Uh-huh.

[Security walks in]

Security: Let’s go, ma’am.

Omarosa: You can’t throw me out because I quit!

Michael che: You quit what? You don’t work here.

[The security is holding Omarosa’s arm.]

Omarosa: [to the security] Yeah, you better take my arm because I’m escorting you out of the building. And you better throw me into the Christmas tree.

Michael che: Omarosa Manigault Newman, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] She wants to get thrown into the Christmas tree. Okay. Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was Burger King. Police then took out their tasers and had it their way.