The Fliplets

Pete… Mikey Day

Zeke… Alex Moffat

Tristan… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with HGTV video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching HGTV, coz your house sucks.

[Cut to The Fliplets promo]

Female voice: If you love the ‘Property Brothers’, just wait until you meet Pete, Zeke and Tristan. It’s the Fliplets.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m Pete. I have been a licensed realtor since I was 18. And if I can’t find a house you love, it just ain’t out there.

[Cut to Zeke]

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha. My name is Zeke and I have been flipping houses for the past 12 years. I’m the guy who will turn whatever nightmare he finds you into the home of your dream.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I’m Tristen. And when our parents divorced, I was the only one that went to live with our dad.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, they don’t want to hear about that.

Tristan: Well, when are you gonna talk about it? I mean we’ve never talked about what happened.

Female voice: The Fliplets, just three brothers renovating houses and busting your gut.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Pete: this guy does all the manual labor, which according to my calculations make me the smart one.

Zeke: Oh, please, poindexter here. You couldn’t drive a nail if it had a steering wheel on it.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I don’t think they ever really fully grieved the death of our family.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha. Not really the platform, bud.

Tristan: Yes. So, rather than face their demons that they have, they go city to city trying to build the home they never had.

Female voice: The Fliplets, all new this fall.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We are all about the three Rs. [Cut to all] Refurbish,–

Zeke: Remodel,–

Pete: And…

Tristan: Religion is a drug.

Zeke: Nope. Nope. It’s renovate.

Female voice: The fliplets. Every Tuesday at 8.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Zeke: I’ve been working with my hands my entire life. It’s my passion. Heck, when I was 12, I built a tree house with central AC.

Pete: Yeah. and even though I got a couple offers on it, I couldn’t sell the old gal. There were just too many memories.

[Tristan walks in]

Tristan: When I was 12, I watched a man get hit by a bus. And I had plenty of time to intervene but I was frozen, not by fear… but by a dreadful excitement.

Zeke: Ha-ha.

Tristan: And I just watched him. Like it was all a little show that god was putting on just for me. A Marionette, dangling before the lapping flames of his master’s furnace. And in that moment, I died a little unto myself but I was reborn as the lizard I was destined to become.

Pete: Ha-ha. He has never mentioned this before.

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Tristan: Some might say that was the day the light inside me dimmed. But I would say that’s the moment the darkness inside me began to shine.

Zeke: What? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: The Fliplets, this was the usable footage.

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Ryan Gosling Jazz Monologue

Ryan Gosling

Kenan Thompson

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be here hosting SNL again. It’s my second time. It’s the season premiere. Jay-Z is here. I mean, I haven’t felt this excited since I saved Jazz. [audience laughing] You guys know I saved Jazz, right? I mean I did this movie La La Land and then everyone was saying that I saved jazz. I guess it was dying and I saved it. But more importantly, I have a movie coming out called Blade Runner 2049 with Harrison Ford. [cheers and applause] Yes, it’s very exciting. It opens in a week. And yes, for those of you who are curious, I was the last person who thought he would save jazz. I mean I was like, “Me, Ryan Gosling, all like a white kid from Canada, I guess I can try and save jazz.” So, I did. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The first day of shooting on Blade Runner, I met Harrison Ford and he walks right up to me and he looks me right in the eye and he says, “Ryan, what the heck is jazz?” Well, let me unpack that a little for you, Harrison.

[Ryan Gosling takes a seat to play the piano] [cheers and applause]

I learned this jazz on the movie. It’s like music in motion. The notes are talking to each other and giving each other a little kiss. But sometimes, notes get into fights and this one stops talking to that one. And then this one is like, “Screw you guys, I’m doing my own thing.” But you know what? They always make up. [Ryan Gosling lights up a cigarette using his both hands, but the piano is still playing] Now, jazz was born in New Orleans or as it’s correctly pronounced, Nerlens. And then from Nerlens– From Nerlens they moved on to Chicagi and then to NYC city. And let me tell you, jazz was the thing. Jazz was where it was at. And then it almost died and I saved it.

The budget for Blade Runner was insane. It was like 9 billion. 9 billion. As many notes as there are in jazz. But jazz isn’t just about the notes you play. It’s about, the notes you don’t play. You know what I mean? I’m so glad I saved jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, man?

Ryan Gosling: Oh, hey, Kenan.

[Kenan Thompson pulls Ryan Gosling to the stage away from piano]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah.

Ryan Gosling: What’s up?

Kenan Thompson: Just would love to chat with you in private a little bit. Yeah, we’re done with that. Thanks. Dude, what are you doing out here? You talking about jazz and Chicai and Nerlens, and nobody wants to hear you do that.

[Kenan Thompson pulls the cigarette out of Ryan Gosling’s mouth]

Ryan Gosling: Said the guy who didn’t save jazz.

Kenan Thompson: You didn’t save jazz. It was sarcasm. It was a joke.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I don’t care, Kenan. Because jazz is all about going with the flow, and this is the flow I’m feeling right now.

Kenan Thompson: Well, you are a bad ambassador for jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks away]

Ryan Gosling: [pointing at the band] These guys know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Huh? Come on, hit it.

[the band start playing jazz music]

You see, the sax is ripping with the guitars. Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please, please. The thing is if you play jazz that loud, then people can’t hear me talking about jazz. That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

[Emma Stone walks in]

Emma Stone: Hey, hey! Ryan! Ryan! [cheers and applause] Can I speak to you for just a second?

Ryan Gosling: Emma, didn’t you hear? I just jazz good with the guys.

Emma Stone: Yeah. I did. You jazz fine. What are you doing? Ryan, you didn’t save jazz. How many times  have we talked about this?

Ryan Gosling: A lot.

Emma Stone: Yeah. A lot. Because you didn’t save jazz. We saved jazz. [Emma Stone takes a puff of a cigarette] [cheers and applause]

Isn’t that right, NYC city?

Ryan Gosling: You’re right. [band playing music] We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Stone: Jay-Z is here.

Ryan Gosling: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Papyrus

Steven… Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Steven sleeping at night]

Narrating: It happened again. [Steven wakes up] I thought it was behind me. But the dreams came back. [Steven is in the kitchen with Cecily] I was up all night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

Cecily: What’s wrong?

Narrating: You know, it haunts me.

Steven: Nothing.

Cecily: Oh, Steven. Not this again.

Narrating: I forgot about it for years but then I remembered that Avatar, the giant international blockbuster used the Papyrus font as it’s logo.

[Cut to Kate in Steven’s therapy session]

Kate: Avatar, the movie from nine years ago?

Steven: Yeah. He just highlighted Avatar, he clicked the drop down menu and then he randomly selected Papyrus. Like a thoughtless child just wandering by a garden yanking leaves along the way.

Kate: And so now you’re worried about the sequels that are coming out?

Steven: They’re making more?

Kate: Yes. Well, I think I heard that.

Steven: They changed the artwork. They fixed it!

[Kate looks for Avatar 2 in the internet]

Kate: Um, it looks similar.

[Steven gets angry and flips the table in front of him] [Cut to Steven driving]

Narrating: He just got away with it. This man, this professional graphic designer. Was it laziness? Was it cruelty?

[Cut to Steven showing the Avatar poster to Chris]

Chris: You’ve showed me this before. I don’t think this is literally Papyrus. Maybe that was the starting point but they clearly modified this.

Steven: But whatever they did, [yelling] it wasn’t enough!

Narrating: And now, here I am doing what I vowed to never do again, sitting outside his house, hoping to catch a glimpse of him to see him doing his little things, live his insane little life.

[Cut to Steven drinking beer]

Steven: I think about it every time I see Papyrus.

Chris: Okay. Where else do you even see this font?

Steven: Hookah bars. Tequila merch. Off brand tees.

[As Steven is driving, he sees a man looking at him and whispering ‘Papyrus’. Being distracted, he crashes his car] [Heidi walks to Steven as he is getting out of the car]

Heidi: My god, are you okay? What happened?

Steven: Do you remember the Avatar logo?

Heidi: Um, yeah. It was tribal yet futuristic.

Steven: Papyrus.

Heidi: Oh, sure.

[Behind Heidi, Steven sees the man again]

Steven: I know what you did. [yelling] I know what you did.

Levi’s Wokes

Mikey: My jeans tell me I’m a man.

Kate: My jeans tell me I’m a woman.

Kenan: They tell me I’m relaxed.

Pete: That I’m skinny.

Boy: A child.

Ryan: Yo! You don’t know me, jeans.

Leslie: I’m not a style.

Pete: I’m not a size.

Ryan: That’s not me.

Boy: I am not a child.

Heidi: I’m me.

Chris: I’m unique.

Mikey: I’m woke.

Kenan: Woke.

Leslie: Woke.

Mikey: I’m woke.

Kate: So, why aren’t my jeans?

Female voice: Now, they are. Introducing Levi’s Wokes. Sizeless, style neutral, gender non-conforming denim for a generation that despises labels. Levi’s heard that if you’re not woke, it’s bad. So we made these.

Chris: Defining someone by their style, that’s offensive.

Pete: That’s why Levi Wokes have no style.

Leslie: What’s my size? Why don’t you try asking me about my accomplishments?

Heidi: My wokes are size me.

Kate: They fit everybody.

Kenan: Because they fit nobody.

Leslie: So what colors do they come in?

Chris: Colors?

Ryan: I’m triggered!

Mikey: This color.

Pete: Can you label this color?

Female voice: That is the color greb.

Chris: They not brown, but they not not brown.

Heidi: It’s a handful of colors. None of which are dominant.

Mikey: Just like our country. Oh, wait. Woke!

Leslie: Let’s talk pockets.

Pete: Pockets sold separately.

Mikey: Yo! Who says I have hands?

Kenan: You getting this yet? The jeans are woke.

Kate: Do they come on men’s and women’s?

Ryan: Nah!

Mikey: Do they come in person?

Ryan: What do you think?

Leslie: That’s why wokes got a uni fly.

Female voice: 180 degrees gender non-conformity.

Chris: My jeans let me decide how I go to the bathroom. Do your’s?

Kenan: What don’t you get? They Woke!

Pete: Woke.

Kate: Get Woke.

Ryan: Wear Woke.

Mikey: Yo, hold up. Are my wokes made in some factory by Indonesian kids?

Pete: Nah! They made right here in the USA–

Leslie: — by white kids.

Ryan: Wake up with Levi’s Wokes.

All: Woke.

Female voice: Levi Woke, available exclusively at Ross.

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Henrietta & The Fugitive

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Mackenzie… Ryan Gosling

Farmer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two police officers looking for a criminal]

Beck: We know you’re in here, Mackenzie.

Alex: Come out, you bank robbing son of a bitch.

Beck: Nothing. Just a bunch of hay, cobwebs and this lonely, lonely hen.

[Cut to Hen. She is a chicken] [Cut to all]

Alex: [to the chicken] Have you seen anyone around here, hen? We’re looking for a fugitive.

Hen: Uh, who me? Oh, I haven’t seen a thing.

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Alright, big help, chicken. Let’s check the gas station down the road.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Good luck, boys. Buk-buk-buk-buk-buk-buk.

[The policemen walk out. Mackenzie comes in.]

Mackenzie: oh, babe. You played them like a fiddle. Oh, I told you you were a star.

Hen: Oh, you make me feel like a star, Freddy.

Mackenzie: Good luck, boys. Oh baby, how do you come up with this stuff?

Hen: Oh! You’re a flirt. I can’t believe you are taking me to Spain.

Mackenzie: Where? Oh, yeah, Spain. You better believe it, baby. And as long as the cops stay out of my business, it will just be you and me and Sangria and Paella from here on out.

Hen: And corn, right?

Mackenzie: Oh, sure. Little glistening loose kernels of corn like yellow diamonds as far as the eye can see.

Hen: Oh. I can’t believe I’m trading a barn for Barcelona.

Mackenzie: Alright, that’s enough for tonight. I’ll hit the lights and we’ll get some shut eye. [walking away and talking to himself] Come on, Freddy. What are you doing? She’s a chicken. You’re a lone wolf. You use them and you leave them. But what if she’s the one? Oh, stop.

Hen: Oh, Freddie, you called the airline, right? Ask them if you can bring a hen on the plane with her eggs?

Mackenzie: Oh, yeah. Those airline people, they even have the egg heaters on first class.

Hen: Oh, you got me going. Come on here.

[Hen and Mackenzie are about to kiss] [door knocking] [Beck and Alex walk in again]

Beck: Alright. Listen up, chicken. We found the crooks bandanna outside. Are you sure you haven’t seen anyone?

Hen: Why would I lie?

Alex: Ah! Let’s go search at his wife’s place.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh? I’m sorry. You are going to go where?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: At his wife’s. A beautiful woman. Long legs, soft kissable lips. Two arms with hands. Everything a fellow could want.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh. One other thing. Are there egg heaters on airplanes?

Beck: [laughing] No.

Hen: Not even in first class?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Chickens can’t go on planes. Sorry sweetheart.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: I see. [sad music playing] [Hen is crying] [Beck and Alex walk out and Mackenzie comes in]

Mackenzie: Now, Henny, you look at me. You look at me, Henny. You can’t listen to them.

Hen: You lied. You lied about everything. You even said you didn’t have a gun. Oh, what’s this? There, I got it. Oh! [Hen pulls out a gun out of Hen’s pocket]

Mackenzie: Careful! That’s a gun, Henrietta.

Hen: Oh, you think I don’t know anything coz I fumble with my wings. Well, you took me for a fool.

Mackenzie: Listen, yes. I did use you. And I am still married. And I am a criminal and I’m terrified of prison. But dammit, I have grown to love you.

[Farmer walks in]

Farmer: Hey, you done with that scarf yet? [looks at Mackenzie] Oh, man, who’s this?

[gun shot. Hen shoots Farmer.]

Oh! Henrietta, why?

[Farmer falls down] [Beck and Alex walk in]

Beck: The farmer’s been shot.

Alex: And the hen’s holding the gun.

Beck: Put down the ross-co, hen. You’re coming to jail.

[Mackenzie walks in]

Mackenzie: No! You leave her alone. You leave her out of this. I shot that farmer.

Hen: No!

Mackenzie: Don’t listen to her. I’m just a big stupid little fool.

Alex: Why did you shoot him?

[Mackenzie looks at Hen]

Mackenzie: I did it for someone I love.

[Beck puts Mackenzie in handcuffs]

I’m sorry.

Hen: I love you.

[20 years later] [Mackenzie walks out of jail. Hen is waiting for him.]

Mackenzie: Where to, Señorita?

Hen: Barcelona.

[Hen and Mackenzie kiss]

Dive Bar

Treese Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Larry Fontanelle… Ryan Gosling

Raj… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Dirtrisha… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Treese and his band playing in a bar]

Treese: [singing] And that’s what she had all of the stuff in her hands, oh yeah, mmm.

Yes. Beautiful. [The audience at the bar are clapping] Hello and thank you for spending your Sunday with us at Mickey’s End Zone. This is about football, right? We’re just warming you up for the football game that will play on a tiny television that is located directly behind us at the level of our middle backs. But we will move, right? We will move.

Larry: We will move. We will move at one point.

Treese: That’s right. At one point, we will be moving.

Larry: We’re gonna move.

Treese: And then, you can watch your heavenly Cardinals trying to outsizzle your Niner fours. Yes. [Treese picks the TV remote and turns the TV off] A little later. But right now, [Cut to Treese] is there a tiny tissue? Does anyone have a tiny little tissue or a towelette perhaps? I have to admit that I ran all the way here.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: From where, my man?

Treese: Dirtrisha’s house. She tried to show me a part of herself that I was not ready to receive.

Larry: I have just found a Kleenex.

Treese: Oh, nice.

Larry: Here you go. [passing Treese the tissue]

Treese: Oh, great! Thank you very much. Let’s hit it!

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
I wonder who’s going to Kaepernick take a knee

Hello, everyone. I am Treese Hinderson. Allow me to introduce you to my band. To my immediate left and on the keyboard is Raj.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: This keyboard is a wild animal tonight. [playing keyboard solo] Yeah!

[Cut to Treese, Larry and Raj]

Treese: And on my right, Mr. Larry Fontanelle on his rock n’ roll flute.

[Cut to Larry. He is playing flute horribly.]

Larry: Thank you. Yes. [Cut to Treese and Larry] Thank you for calling it a rock n’ roll flute. It’s not just a flute. It’s deeper than that.

Treese: Oh, I know it is. I remember the first time I called it just a flute and you kicked me directly in my underbags.

Larry: I felt them on the top of my shoes.

Treese: Yes. Hey, real quick. Is that girl that you are dealing with still being problematic?

Larry: Let’s not go there. Not here.

Treese: Well, I think it would be good for you to talk about it.

Larry: But I have been advised not to.

Treese: Oh, so they’re planning to investigate further?

Larry: Yes.

Treese: The attorneys?

Larry: that’s how they introduced themselves. Yes.

Treese: Because the husband found out?

Larry: There’s more to it than that.

Treese: Well, what does that mean? There was one husband, and extra dude, and you?

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Just let the man be, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it here.

Treese: Oh, you are a mystery just like Daniel Craig.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
make sure the grass is dry before you take a knee

Whoo! Whoa, look at this lovely couple down front here. How are you guys feeling?

[cut to Beck and Heidi]

Beck: Just curious about what happened with your rock n’ roll flutist.

Heidi: Yeah. I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with that guy.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: I know, right? You would think that as his roommate, he would share more of what’s going on with his life with me.

Larry: Ask me in private and I’ll tell you.

Treese: Well, I never see you in private. You just go right into your room.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Leave him alone, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: Well, I mean, is she preggo? You know? Full with child? PG? Is she PG? Because if she’s PG, I would like to make you both a little something from build a bear.

[phone ringing]

Larry: My phone. Sorry. I have to answer this. Hello.

Treese: Who is it?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, officer.

Treese: Officer? Well, that’s either the police or the military. Is it the police?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, that’s where I live.

Treese: Well, I do too. I mean your roommate.

Larry: [speaking on phone] What do you mean the broken window?

Treese: What window? Was it in the front room? Did they access the common area?

Larry: [to Treese] Will you shut up for a second? [speaking on phone] Uh-huh. So they sacked the place?

Treese: Sacked? Did they get my good jeans?

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry. What was that?

Treese: Are they there now? Ask them if anyone has seen my good jeans.

Larry: [to Treese] Can you calm down, man?

Treese: But these are my good dark jeans. I can wear them with my big tops. Ask about the jeans.

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry, but did you happen to see any jeans?

Treese: Good jeans.

Larry: No, good jeans lying around. Okay, I see. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]

Treese: What did they say about my jeans?

Larry: They didn’t see any good ones there.

Treese: Oh, it must be that girl’s husband that you are in love web with. They took my good jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
taking the knee but not in my good dark jeans

[Cut to Dirtrisha in the audience. She is holding the jeans Treese is talking about.]

Dirtrisha: [yelling] Treese!

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Look what I got, your favorite thing in the world.

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, it was you? You have my good jeans?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Nobody runs out on me. [Dirtrisha tears the jeans apart] [Cut to Treese]

Treese: Ah! Oh, my good dark jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
football knees get down on the football screen

Enjoy the game, everyone. [The power cuts] And we just lost power. Perfect! Okay, perfect.

Another Close Encounter

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Tod… Ryan Gosling

Rafferty… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]

Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.

Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.

Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.

Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.

[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”

[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]

Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.

[Tod stands]

Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons] [cheers and applause]

Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.

Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.

[Cut to all]

Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.