Tag: season 43

The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.]

[Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Mirage

Kenan Thompson

Mark… Beck Bennett

Natalia… Gal Gadot

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Manager… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Kenan and Mark walking in a desert]

Kenan: Oh, there’s nothing. Just sand.

Mark: We haven’t had water for days. Our best bet is to stop and hope they will find us.

[Kenan and Mark sit]

Kenan: Oh! Natgeo.com doesn’t have the budget to search the whole Arabian desert for two B-roll cameramen. [looks around] Oh, wait. You see that, Mark?

Mark: No. If you’re seeing something, it must be a mirage.

[Cut to the open desert. Kenan is seeing a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert.]

Kenan: But it looks so real.

Lemonade girl: Hey there, you big thirsty guy? Do you wanna have some ice-cold lemonade?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh my god! Natalia, my wife’s trainer? Why am I seeing her?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Mark: Your brain is just giving you what you want to see.

[Cut to Natalia]

Natalia: Hey there, bit thirsty. I can’t drink all this lemonade by myself, silly guy.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, then we got work to do, baby.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: [breathing heavy] Oh, I think I’m seeing something too.

[Cut to the open desert. Mark is seeing Jamba Juice stand.]

Mikey: I got a banana-mataz for Mark. Banana-mataz with a zinc boost for Mark.

Kyle: Sir! Your banana-mataz with zinc boost is at the counter. Once again, Mark!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: What the hell?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: What? What do you see, brother?

Mark: The Jamba Juice by my old work.

Kenan: Oh. Well, who’s making your smoothies? Some swimsuit model?

Mark: No. It’s the actual guys who worked at the Jamba Juice. Why is this what my brain is making me see right now? Are mirages supposed to be like a fantasy?

Kenan: Well, I wish you were seeing what I’m seeing.

[Cut to Natalia holding two lemons and teasing him]

Natalia: Hey, big thirsty. If you want to have your lemonade, you have got to dance with me.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, it’s a deal. [to Mark] How you doing, man?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I’m seeing a woman now.

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: Oh, alright. Who?

Mark: The manager and she hated me.

[Cut to Manager standing in front of the Jamba Juice stand and yelling at Mark]

Manager: Hey! You have a banana-mataz at the counter. Go get your damn banana-mataz juice.

[Cut to Mark looking frightened]

Mark: Oh, god! I don’t want to see the Jamba Juice staff right now.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, man. The sun is getting hotter. I’m burning up.

[Cut to Natalia holding a hand-fan and teasing Kenan]

Natalia: Oh, so hot. I had to lose my shirt. I’m probably a stinky little lady because I’m so sweaty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, this lemonade stand is getting pretty sexy.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: So is Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Mikey and Kyle playing at Jamba Juice stand shirtless.]

Kyle: Damn, sir. It’s hot as hell today.

Mikey: Yeah! By the way, I’ve still got a–

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: — A banana-mataz for Mark. I know! [to Kenan] I want to see what you’re seeing.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, Natalia? Well, I mean, I showed you that photo of her. Just picture it.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Okay. Come on, brain. Natalia. Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia behind Jamba Juice stand]

Natalia: Hey there, handsome sweaty guy. I’ve never made a smoothie before. Will you help me?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I would love to, Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia. She eats a strawberry.]

Natalia: Umm. Strawberry is my favorite.

[Mikey and Kyle walk in]

Mikey: You can’t be behind here.

Kyle: You cannot be behind the counter.

[Mikey and Kyle pushes Natalia away]

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: No! Natalia left!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Same over here. But I don’t mind her replacement.

[Cut to Manager behind the lemonade stand]

Manager: Let’s drink some lemonade, dude!

Gal Gadot Monologue

Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Gal Gadot.

[Gal Gadot walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Gal Gadot: Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow! I’m so happy to be here. Thank you. I’m so happy to be here. Okay, yes, I know I have an accent. Obviously I’m not from here. That’s right. I’m from Albuquerque. No, just kidding. I grew up in Israel. And this is so exciting for me because tonight’s show is being broadcast live in Israel for the very first time ever.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, ma. Hi, Abba. And I actually have a quick message for the rest of my friends and family back home. So, excuse me. [speaking foreign language]

Subtitle reading: Hi everybody. I just want to let you know that this might be a big mistake. The writers here clearly know nothing about Israel. In every sketch they have me eating hummus. I mean, I like hummus, but come on. They’re nice, but they’re not very sophisticated. I think they believe that I’m actually Wonder Woman. So good luck to me. I’m hoping for the best.

Gal Gadot: Now, most of you know me as Wonder Woman. And I loved doing the movie because it inspired so many young girls to be their own heroes.

[Leslie Jones walks in wearing Wonder Woman costume]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Tell me about it. Yeah. We really do inspire people, don’t we?

Gal Gadot: [laughing] I’m sorry, who are you?

Leslie Jones: I’m the Time Square’s Wonder Woman. You know how you take picture with young girls who look up to you? I do the same with German tourists.

Gal Gadot: Oh, wait. Like, the Time Square Elmo?

Leslie Jones: Um, yeah. But Elmo’s a freak. Any time you see one of his costume arms hanging down limp, he’s up to something.

Gal Gadot: Got it. Got it.

Leslie Jones: Okay, I just wanted to tell you that I’m a big fan and I love how you portrayed our character in the ‘Wonder Woman’ movie. I just saw it on DVD.

Gal Gadot: Oh! So you didn’t get to go to the theater to see the movie?

Leslie Jones: Well, the DVD I bought was shot in the theater. But the important thing is we are an inspiration to women everywhere.

Gal Gadot: That’s right. Women can be any kind of Wonder Woman they want to be.

Leslie Jones: Damn right.

Gal Gadot: My Wonder Woman has bracelets to stop bullets.

Leslie Jones: Um. And I’ve got bracelet that tells the paramedics what blood type is.

Gal Gadot: I have an invisible jet.

Leslie Jones: Oh. And I got a fake handicap sticker that makes my car invisible to meter maids.

Gal Gadot: Um, I have a lasso that makes people tell you the truth.

Leslie Jones: And bitch, I got vodka. Let’s take a selfie. You know, us Wonder Women got to stick together. Yeah. Can I get $5?

Gal Gadot: What?

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. You give it to me later. I just love you.

Gal Gadot: Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

First Date

Amelia… Gal Gadot

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Waiter… Chris Redd

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with OJ and Amelia in a restaurant on a date]

OJ: This place is really nice.

Amelia: Oh, you like it? I haven’t been here in years. I was worried it might have changed.

[A waitress walks in and rudely picks up their plates and walks away]

OJ: Well, service might have gone downhill.

Amelia: Uh, you think? Ha-ha.[Cut to Amelia] Listen, Amelia, I have got to be honest with you. I am a little nervous. This is my first Bumble date.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, yeah, right. That’s what everyone says.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: No, no, no. I swear. I never used dating apps before. But hey, [raises his glass of wine] to trying new things.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: To trying new things. [Hitting Amelia’s glass with her’s]

Amelia: Alright. So, um, Amelia, what kind of name is that?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Well, I’m originally from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Do you know of it?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I think so. You guys had a big war there in the 90s, right?

OJ: Yeah. [Cut to OJ] Yes. It was the war for independence.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: That probably dominated all the news around there, huh?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, big time. Yea, of course. We were very, very isolated from the outside world. It was horrible.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Well, I’m glad you survived, so I could meet you.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: Aw, me too. So, um, OJ, is that a nickname?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Um, no. Actually, it’s my first and middle name. Orenthal James. I did have a nickname for a little while. “Juice”, as in juice is loose?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Loose from what?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: [shaking his head] Just a juice container. I guess. You know, it’s silly.

[A waiter walks in with their food]

Waiter: Okay. For the lady we have the halibut and for the gentleman we have the steak, the lamb chops and the burger and fries.

OJ: I can’t believe you ordered all that.

Amelia: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m starving. I feel like I haven’t eaten a decent meal in years.

Waiter: [giving his fist to Amelia] My man.

Amelia: Oh, you know what it is.

[Waiter walks away]

OJ: Wait a second. [Cut to OJ] Are you famous or something?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Who? Me? No. I’m mean not really famous. So, when you are dating somebody, you like, ever Google them?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh. No. I really prefer the mystery of it. You know, to sit together, talk to you face to face.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Fantastic. Fantastic. I feel the same way. Plus, you know, there is a lot of fake news out there.

[A woman walks in]

Woman: [to OJ] I’m sorry. I just wanna say I can’t believe you’re sitting here having dinner with this man. [to Amelia] You are disgusting.

[The woman walks away]

OJ: What was that all about?

Amelia: Well, I’m sad to admit this. But when you look like I do in this country, people treat you differently.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: You mean because of racism?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Yes. [Cut to OJ and Amelia] Um, OJ, I gotta confess something. This steak is incredible. You want some?

OJ: Sure. Why not?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Alright, cool. Give me a second. [Amelia is trying to cut the steak] For some reason they gave me a plastic knife. [He can’t cut the steak] Meanwhile, why do’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Uh-uh, mister, I’m not done with you yet.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Oh, your witness, counselor.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: So, what exactly is it that you do? [Cut to OJ] In your profile you just wrote this and that.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I mean, you could say I’m semi-retired but I was actually a pretty good athlete back in the day.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, so that’s why people recognize you?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It could be from that. Yes. Sure.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: So, do you still have any of your trophies or awards?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: You know, it’s funny that you bring that up. I mean, coz I tried getting some of those back a few years ago. I mean, you know, [yelling] since they were mine to begin with! But it was a little harder than I thought.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Wow. So you’re an athlete too. Pfft. I have to ask, how is it that you are still single?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It’s a mystery.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

[phone ringing]

OJ: Oh, excuse me. It’s my friend. I told her to call me in case you were a psycho.

Amelia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Hey, Rachel. No, no, no. Everything is okay. Don’t worry. I’m having a really good time with OJ. Muah!

[as soon as OJ hangs up the phone, it starts ringing and receiving messages]

Oh, I’ll just turn this off.

Amelia: Yeah. That’s probably a great idea. Maybe some others here could take a cue from that and turn their phones off too!

[Cut to a group of people taking pictures of OJ and Amelia with their mobile phones]

You know, hey, let’s get out of here, OJ. Some people have no shame. [OJ and Amelia stand] I tell my friend AC to pull the car around. You know, I almost forgot. I wanted to show you the license plate. I made it myself.

[looking at the camera] Still got it! [winking]

Espionage

Kenan Thompson

Perkins… Alex Moffat

Jensen… Luke Null

Sabine… Gal Gadot

Vixen… Cecily Strong

Kay… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Hodges… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three men inside a van with spying equipments]

Kenan: Perkins, you’re about to go head to head with one of Europe’s most cunning spies. Are you ready for this?

Perkins: I am, sir.

Kenan: Okay, Jensen, do you have a secure video link?

Jensen: Yeah. It’s encrypted end to end. She should be coming through on your screen now.

Perkins: Um, Sabine, hello.

[Cut to Sabine. she is wearing all black and has a black eye patch.]

Sabine: Good evening, Mr. Perkins. At long last, we speak in person.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Let’s cut to the chase. We need the flash drive that you are carrying.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: You Americans, all business no play, huh? I believe this is what you’re looking for? And if you want it, you will have to give me..[the video has glitches and Sabine’s speech is inaudible]

[Cut to three men in the van]

Kenan: Jensen, what the hell? Why did we lose her?

Jensen: I think it’s interference in the signal, sir. I’m trying to get her back.

[Cut to their screen. Sabine’s cam is turned off. ‘Sexy Slut Now’ live video is turned on. There are two women at the kitchen. One is sitting on the table and another is smoking in front of the webcam.]

Vixen: Okay, guys. Webcam is live. Nice to see you again if you are returning. If you are new, I’m miss Vixen. And y’all remember Kay? Kay sat on the cake yesterday.

Kay: Hi, guys. Hope you are ready with your tips because I’m feeling nasty.

Vixen: That’s right. Just click the tip button the the right of the screen and Kay and I will try to make your wildest fantasies come true.

Kay: Oh, yeah, baby. Get creative!.

[Cut to the men in van]

Kenan: What is this?

Perkins: Well, sir, it looks like these ladies are doing a sexy webcam show in what looks like a filthy kitchen.

Kenan: I know that, but why are we looking at it, Jenson?

Jensen: I’m sorry, sir. It seems like they’re piggybacking on Sabine’s wifi or something. Just one second.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Do you agree to my terms or no?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: I’m sorry. I lost you for a second. I need you to repeat all that.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Oh, I don’t have time for silly games. I give you 15 minutes to make the deposit or I’ll go to someone else.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: No. No, no. I’ll get it to you. Just tell me where.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Of course. Just deposit the money in the account that I give you — [[the video has glitches and it switches to Vixen and Kay]

Vixen: This is for you, Bootycall41. Thank you for your tips. Kay! You have to get to into the microphone. He is asking for a louder crunch.

Kay: Oh, you got it, baby.

[Vixen and Kay are eating pickles and making loud chewing sound]

Vixen: You like how we crunching this pickle?

Kay: Show us with your tips.

[Cut to the men in the van]

Kenan: Dammit! Why is this happening?

Perkins: Well, sir, it seems like Bootycall41 must have some kind of crunch fetish and he is willing to pay for it, I guess.

Kenan: I know this. Just fix it, Jenson.

Jensen: I’m trying, sir.

Kenan: Well, now, what are they doing?

[Cut to Vixen and Kay.Kay is sitting on a chair and Vixen is turning it round.]

Kay: Oh! I’m dizzy!

Vixen: Yeah? You like that Saggysack77? I got Kay all dizzy for you. Now, you got to walk around, Kay, he wants to see you walking all dizzy.

Kay: Okay. Here I go. [Kay stands and falls right after]

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: [giggling] Did you see that? She landed on her face.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Who landed on her face?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Um, no one. Nothing, Sabine. Now, let’s finish this.

[Cut to Vixen and Kay. Mr. Hodges is standing in the middle and Vixen and Kay are dancing around him.]

Vixen: Oh, Mr. Hodges has joined the party.

Kay: Yeah. You like that, Mr. Hodges?

Mr. Hodge: We’ll get more soon.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: Now, where did Mr. Hodges come from?

Perkins: Um, I’d say he is probably a cool neighbor. A dude they play with but nothing serious.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: This is very serious. I’m done playing games. Wire $40 million to the account I’m sending you now.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: What? $40 million? You said $20 million.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Well, I changed my mind. You have 10 seconds.

[Cut to men in the van]

Perkins: [to Kenan] What do I do?

Kenan: Send it!

Perkins: Okay, Sabine. You win.

[Perkins presses enter]

[Cut to Vixen and Kay. Perkins mistakenly send the money to them.]

Vixen: Oh, my god! We just got $40 million in tips.

Kay: I’m gonna buy an aquarium.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: What? What the hell? You sent the money to Ms. Vixen and Kay? Get it back.

Jensen: I can’t sir. It’s in their tip jar. It’s their’s.

Perkins: Argh! What do we do?

Kenan: I guess we figure out what we want to see these ladies do and watch it. I vote for the pickle thing.

Perkins: Definitely.

Jensen: Yeah, me too.

[cut to Vixen and Kay eating pickles]

Vixen: You like that crunch? That’s vlasic, baby!

E! New Line Up

Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid… Gal Gadot

Bella Hadid… Kate McKinnon

Blake Shelton… Luke Null

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Nene Leaks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with video Channel commericial]

Female voice: The world is a complete bummer right now. And here at E, we know that sometimes you just have to be like, “Buhh.” So turn your brain off with our new line-up of fall programming. First, we’re celebrating 10 years of the Kardashian dynasty with our new series, “Kendall’s Model House.” Tune in, it’s Kendall Jenner and super model sisters Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid complain around a huge bowl of fruits.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid]

Kendall Jenner: I’m under a lot of pressure.

Bella Hadid: So much pressure.

Kendall Jenner: [looking at Gigi Hadid] You’re prettier than me.

Gigi Hadid: No way. You are so much prettier than me.

Kendall Jenner: Wait. Which one am I? [Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid are thinking] Alexa?

Alexa: You are Kendall Jenner.

Female voice: What? Not everything can be good news. So, if you wanna feel absolutely nothing, watch ‘Down Home with Blake and Gwynn’, Tuesdays at 9:30.

[Cut to Blake and gwynn singing]

Blake Shelton: [singing] I love you, girl.

Gwen Stefani: [singing badly] I love you too.

Blake Shelton: No, you go high.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: [singing] I love you.

Blake Shelton: You know what? We’re going to work on it.

Female voice: You’d watch that for 20 minutes, and that’s okay. [Cut to Kanye West hiding from the camera] You know the moments on the Kardashians where Kanye clearly doesn’t want to be on camera? Now, there’s a show that’s just that. It’s “Where’s Kanye?” He’s hanging back because he is shy or he doesn’t want to be associated with the show. “Where’s Kanye?” Then Wednesday at 10:15, get lost in Kendall’s World.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner walking around her house]

Kendall Jenner: Hello? [looking around]

Female voice: As Kendall Jenner literally gets lost in her own house.

Kendall Jenner: Hello?

Female voice: The house is so big and empty and she’s only there two weeks out of the year.

[Kendall Jenner opening door]

Kendall Jenner: Is this the bathroom? Damn, closet again!

Female voice: But hey, that’s “Kendall’s World.” And Thursdays at 10, “Background Actors of Riverdale.” Then, their bosses, hoes and twins on “Powerful Sluts of Miami.” And you love her on “Fashion Police”, now reality star Nene Leaks has her own show.

Nene Leaks: I was on Bravo. Now I’m on E! I’m everywhere, bitch! I hate that.

Female voice: Nene Leaks, “If I Hate That.” Round out the week with special episodes of “Kendall’s World”. That’s right. She’s still lost. But she found a comfy closed to hunker down in.

[Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid finally meet]

Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid: Oh, yay!

Kendall Jenner: Where is Gigi?

Bella Hadid: She didn’t make it. did you go to the bathroom in here?

Female voice: Kendall’s World, Fridays at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30 and so on forever. Only on E. You want this!

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Angela Merkel on Reelection

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!

Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.

Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing]

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What was that?

Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]

Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.

Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.

Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.

Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?

Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?

Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”

Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.

Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update on Hurricane Maria

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at left top corner.]

Well, after president Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most. A bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said that the people of Puerto Rico “Want everything to be done for them.” Then he told his caddy to repair his difficulty and drive him to the next hole.

Hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other president. Now, I believe him. It took George W. Bush five years to get his Katrina.

Meanwhile, rapper Pitbull [picture changes to rapper Pitbull] has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow, if only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the president of United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull? And you know Pitbull was doing it while also featuring on four different trckas and hosting Foam partis for bud light. Trump is busy doing the real work. Making excuses while half explaining what an island is. Just watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? It’s not a treacherous journey. It’s Puerto Rico. Not skull island. Cruise ships full of retired aunts go there all the time. I think Trump is working of one of those old sailor maps with sea monsters on it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: After mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, president Trump attacked her on twitter saying, “The mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago has now been told by the democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.” Oh, really, Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? How nasty? Are you shaking? Do you want to smoke a Virginia slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated issue, man. It’s a hurricane relief. These people need help. You just did this very same thing for white people, twice. Do the same thing. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons super bowl t-shirts, write them a check with our money, you cheap cracker! You know, in one month you have mishandled Puerto Rico, Daca, the NFL. It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has problem, you are thinking, “How can I make this worse?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tom Price at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Health and human services secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned an all, but how about you pay us back the money? You can’t walk into a store and do a million dollars worth of damage and then be like, “Okay, I get it. I’ll leave.” No, man! Pay us. Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoir, “Oh, the places you’ll go in a government funded private jet.”

Michael Che: It’s a good book.

Colin Jost: It’s a long title, but a great one. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] This week, president Trump also continued his criticism of NLF players who took a knee during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, “Well, CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?” I’m worried it’s not gonna stop with the ESPN though. Next, he’s going to tweet a Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Adam Silver at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. Okay, the NBA is what? 130-140% black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How did this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy. You know, it’s hard to ask black players to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more abut it than us. Okay? And we love flag. It’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the bloods. And it’s not personal. You just got to understand, there’s 50 stars on the American flag. But black people, we only feel welcome in like, eight. Some of them stars, we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, he will be like, “Hey, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgement on the Dakotas.”

Weekend Update on GOP Healthcare Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of republican logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There was no vote on the healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead like three times already and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. You know, at this rate, we’re only a few years way from “Freddy vs. Healthcare” which really scares the hell out of me because we all know who dies first in those movies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hugh Hefner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Not me. [Michael Che laughing] Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked ‘Work Stuff’. [Picture changes to a computer folder named ‘work stuff’.]

[Picture changes to a calendar marking October of 2017.]

October is blindness awareness month. So, don’t forget to say you are wearing a ribbon.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a car and map of Saudi Arabia at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re not going to see this. [Colin Jost laughing] Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow, that’s only a few short years after cars were allowed drive themselves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maintenance workers in Baltimore say they have cleared a 140 ton of fatberg from the sewer system which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. Good news, Baltimore, the McRib is back. [Picture changes to McDonald’s McRib.]

[Picture changes to Hostess packet snack called Ding Dongs]

And Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes including white fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, white fudge Ding Dongs is what they call Weekend Update in China.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know who that’s more racist to. A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.