Tag: Season 44

Last Call with Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Letser… Adam Sandler

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

Melba Toast… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth.]

Bartender: All right everybody, last call. So you bar flies either need to find a place to lay your eggs or fly home to your dumps.

Bernie Letser: Not so fast, bartender. [Cut to Bernie] I think I’ll have one more Hot Toddy.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ll have a Pinot gris ho. That’s a dry red with a potato skin floater. I’m not driving. Not with this. [Sheila shows her heels] He went to Jared.

[Cut to Bartender, Bernie and Sheila]

Bartender: Oh, my god, just drink ‘em and git. I got to find a church that’s still open.

[Bartender leaves]

Bernie Letser: Well, well, well. Spring has sprung and it looks like there’s one little daisy sucking up the last of this stinking by water.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow, well, you know what they say, April showers bring memories of that shower I had in April. I’m Sheila Sauvage. [Sheila puts her arm on Bernie’s shoulder] You can remember that because if you shake up the letters, it spells shallow veg.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Yes, hello. You got the number of CDC? I want to report two new viruses.

[Cut to Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: You know my name, Fella, what about you? What’s on your apartment buzzer?

Bernie Letser: Other than the notice from animal control that ways we’ll try again tomorrow. It says Bernie Letser.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. When I first saw you I was like, not for a million dollars. Now I’m like, I’ll do it for five. You got to show me the five first.

Bernie Letser: Well, I’m packing five if you measure from my head.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh!

[Melba joins]

Melba Toast: He’s right. It’s an Inny when it’s hard. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] Hi, I’m his wife, Melba Letser Toast. Is this our third? She’s human, right?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. I didn’t see you there. I thought you were an eye floater.

Melba Toast: Oh, it’s not your fault. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] I was on the floor.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, yeah? Were you doing business or looking for gum?

Melba Toast: Actually neither. My colostomy bag got caught in the jukebox and things went south from there. Am I turning you on?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: No baby.

Sheila Sauvage: You know, god must have spent a little more time on you, cause there are so many ideas going on here.

Melba Toast: Well, you should know, we’re poly.

Sheila Sauvage: Amorous?

Melba Toast: Cystic. Lots of Cysts.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Here’s looking at you, kid. [Bartender puts a dynamite in his mouth and lights it]

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: So how shall we start this little ménage a toilet? Double 69?

Sheila Sauvage: Maybe we start with a Seven11, that’s where we all get in bed and roll around like old hot dogs and not touch each other.

Melba Toast: Well. We’re on board. [Melba supports her breasts with her hands and puts it on the booth. It sounds very heavy.]

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Just get your gross on already.

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: You heard the man.

Sheila Sauvage: All right. Hang on. I want to be fresh here. Excuse me.

[Sheila takes a cleaner spray out and sprays in her mouth]

[Sheila then sprays in Melba’s mouth]

[Sheila and Melba start kissing badly, licking each other’s mouths]

[Sheila then sprays in Bernie’s mouth]

[Sheila wipes Melba’s face with a wiper and starts kissing Bernie badly]

Bernie Letser: Well, I just had an orgasm.

[Sheila wipes her own face with a wiper]

Melba Toast: I didn’t finish but I am done.

Sheila Sauvage: I’m wet but it’s definitely just sweat from my butt. All right. Well, since we’re all dogs, I guess there’s just one thing to do. Let’s lady and the Tramp this sucker. Hey, bar keep, is this spaghetti still in the garbage?

[Bartender brings up the garbage and give them the spaghetti]

Bartender: It absolutely is.

Sheila Sauvage: Let’s arrange this here.

Bernie Letser: Okay, nice.

[They put spaghetti in their mouths and then suck them in]

Sheila Sauvage: Careful. Just like the movie, baby.

[Cut to bartender. He has a moustache and a harmonium.]

Bartender: [Starts playing harmonium and singing]

This is the night
such a beautiful night

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila eating spaghetti with their fists]

[Cut to bartender]

Love makes fools of us all. All right, time for the drone strike.

[Cut to everybody. Bartender is controlling the drones flying around.]

[Cut there is an explosion in the bar]

Family Feud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 19

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Thor… Alex Moffat

Thanos… Beck Bennett

Okoye… Ego Nwodim

Groot… Leslie Jones

Brienne… Kate McKinnon

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Melisandre… Cecily Strong

Bran… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with C-SPAN show intro]

Narrator: You’re watching C-SPAN. Normally we would have shown you footage from Attorney General William Barr’s congressional testimony but Barr decided not to show up. And then the democrats chose to do some light prop comedy with a bucket of chicken. The whole thing was so depressing that we’d rather focus on the two things all American’s can get behind. ‘Game Of Thrones’ and ‘Avengers’.

[Cut to Family Feud set]

Announcer: It’s Family Feud and here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Yes, indeed. All right. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. I am Steve of house mustache. Today we got ‘The Avengers’ versus ‘Game Of Thrones’. All right. Let’s start with the Avengers because this show is just like their movies. We’re gonna open with 45 minute of introductions. All right. First of, the sexiest man in the Renaissance fair, its Thor.

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: Good day, Steve. It’s good to be handsome. I’m a god and I’m from space.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you’re a scientologist? Okay, next, we got swole grimace is Thanos.

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: Yes. I want my big fancy glove. [Shows his gauntlet] Does it make me look pretty?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I don’t want to burst your bubble but I saw that thing on QVC. All right. Next, she a warrior from Wakanda. It’s okay-doky.

[Cut to Okoye]

Okoye: My name is Okoye. It is truly an honor to be here fighting an epic battle that is the feud of families.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Mm, mm, mm. Bald is beautiful. Girl, you make a good dog want to break it’s chain. All right. finally, who we got down there on the end there?

[Cut to Groot]

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I feel like you can look at that poster and just know that’s wrong. All right, let’s go to the Game of Thrones side. I got to be honest, I didn’t see the last episode. I mean, I watched it but I couldn’t see it. You know it’s dark when you can’t even see the white people. All right. First up, lady Brienne of Tarth.

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: Actually, sir Brienne. I don’t if you saw, but I was recently knighted. Not that I care but it was like the highest honor of my life. I even allowed myself to smile.[Brienne smiles]

[Tormund Giantsbane joins Brienne]

Tormund Giantbane: Isn’t she a snack.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, damn. Who are you?

[Cut to Tormund Giantsbane]

Tormund Giantsbane: I’m Tormund Giantsbane. I killed a giant, crawled into bed with his wife and drank her milk. She thought I was a baby. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Okay, playa. I like the big girls too. All right. Next, we got a thousand year old witch, Melisandre.

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: Hello, Steve. This show is dark and full of terrors.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: You sound like my agent. Are you really a thousand years old? How come you look so good?

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: [Looks sideways] Maybe it’s magic. [Melisandre smiles][Bumper sound “maybe it’s Maybelline” plays]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: No, it’s definitely magic. Girl, you take that necklace off or you’re gonna turn into old lady. But I know how it is. I take off this shirt and I just pummel out into a poop emoji. And finally, every family got that weird brother. This is Bran.

[Cut to Bran]

Bran Stark: Hello, Steve. I have to go now. [Bran starts to use his warg power]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Woo, somebody got that good weed. All right. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Cut to everybody getting ready for the game]

[Brienne and Thos walks to the stage with Steve]

Brienne: Greetings.

Thor: Tarth, good on ya.

Steve Harvey: All right. Top six answers on the board. After ten years, both your franchises are coming to an end. Name something you might put on your bucket list. [Breinne presses the button] Brienne?

Brienne: I don’t need a lot, I’m a low maintenance girl. Armour, short hair– I don’t know. [Cut to Brienne] Jamie Lannister, one night, three hands, no rules. [Brienne smiles]

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Trying to creep with your freakin’ friends.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Okay, not up there. [Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor] Over to Thor. What’s on your bucket list. Playboy?

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: I must reforge the rainbow bridge, the shining city of Valhalla.

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some kind of white nonsense.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Okay, all right.

[Steve walks to team Avengers]

Team Avengers, you’re on the board. Let’s go over to Thanos. What’s on your bucket list?

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: I’ve already collected all the infinity stones. So I guess all that’s left is get off the HGH.

[Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos]

Steve Harvey: I knew there was something going on. You got that Berry Bond’s chin. Show me too old to be that jacked.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not there. [Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos] All right. Let’s go over Okra. What’s on your bucket list?

Okoye: Steve, [Cut to Okoye] it’s Okoye. I am a Dora Milaje warrior. But just one day I would like to put on a pair of sweatpants, eat a cheesy gordita crunch and watch eight hours of Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Beach Club’.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye]

Steve Harvey: Okay, then. Show me how Okra got her groove back.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not that either. [Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye] All right. One strike left. Let’s go over here to the giving tree or whoever this is. Give me something on your bucket list.

[Cut to Groot[

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos, Okoye and Groot]

Steve Harvey: Just cause you say it don’t make it true. Show me middle aged lady in a Halloween costume.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, man, that’s three. [Steve Harvey walks to team Game of Thrones] All right, Game of Thrones. Your chance to steal. What’s on your bucket list? Give me some answers.

[Cut to Steve and team Game of Thrones]

Bran Stark: Move my face.

Melisandre: See my old boobies.

Tormund Giantsbane: Big girl.

Steve Harvey: All right. Brienne, what’s it gonna be, player?

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: They’re all noble answers but none are invincible. I do fear that the feud is lost.

[Arya Stark joins]

Arya Stark: Not today. It’s I, Arya Stark.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Right on time again. What’s on your bucket list?

Arya Stark: Well, Steve, [Cut to Brienne and Arya] as the battle approaches and you stand to an endless night, there is but one thing a girl must do.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, say no more. I saw what you did in that episode. Show me, getting that booty.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Oh, number one answer, [Cut to Steve] all right. Let’s take a break. Stay tuned for a post credit scene where me and Black Panther sings the songs of Jodeci.

[Everybody joins]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves]

[Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Adam Sandler’s “I Was Fired” Monologue | Season 44 Episode 19

Adam Sandler

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler.

[Cheers and applause]

[The band is playing music]

[Adam Sandler gets in the door and walks to the stage]

Adam Sandler: Thank you, very much. I appreciate it. Thank you, guys. I love you. I really appreciate that. Thanks so much. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m back at Saturday Night Live after all this time. It’s been a tremendous week. I love seeing old friends here, and making lots of new friends with the writers and the cast here. It’s great to be around their youthful energy. I was 23 years old when I started here. David Spade and Rob Schneider were 25 years old, and Norm McDonald was maybe 60 years old. I don’t know. I never asked him. Only he knows. But I had some of the best years of my life here. And I actually lost my virginity to a woman here in this very studio.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. I don’t kiss and tell, but it was here church lady. She said I was special. My wife and kids are here tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

I always tell them how SNL was the greatest time in my life and my daughter asked me, “If it was the greatest dad, then why did you ever leave?” Well, honey, there’s a reason.

[Music starts playing]

[Adam takes a mic]

I was fired. I was fired.
I got fired so sad to tell
Well, I never saw it coming
I got fired from SNL

between seasons I heard a nasty rumor
that I was getting the sack
I tried to call Lauren Michael
But he never called me back

[Cheers and applause]

I’m joking, I’m joking. He called, he called.

I guess NBC has enough of crazy spoon head
and the songs I sang on the news
maybe they were sick of canteen boy
but I think they just hate the Jews

[Cheers and applause]

I was fired, not rehired,
well, it made me sad and blue
I told my boy Chris Farley I got fired
and he said “Same man, they fired my ass too”

[Cheers and applause]

Chris Rock is here.

[Chris Rock joins the stage] [Cheers and applause]

Hey, buddy. I love you.

Chris Rock: Hey man, how’s it going?

Adam Sandler: We were on this show together, right?

Chris Rock: Yeah, yeah. Same time. We got hired the same day.

Adam Sandler: That’s right. Now, why did you leave the show? I don’t understand.

Chris Rock: Why did I leave the show? Well, Adam—

I got fired,[laughter] I was fired
I was fired by NBC
Then I went on Living Color
3 weeks later they took it off TV

Adam Sandler: It’s okay. You hang in there. All right? You keep going after your dream.

Chris Rock: Thank you.

[Chris Rock leaves the stage]

Adam Sandler: Hey man, what’s up?

[Pete Davidson joins the stage]

Pete Davidson: How you doing?

Adam Sandler: Hey, how you doing pal?

Pete Davidson: I was fired, I was fired, I was fired-

Adam Sandler: Hey, hang on! Pete, you weren’t fired.

Pete Davidson: I wasn’t? How’s that even possible?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know man, but be patient ‘cause it’s coming soon. I love you.

[Pete leaves the stage]

Well it broke my heart to pieces
cause SNL was my home
where could I do my silly voices now
I never felt so alone

I was fired, I was fired
NBC said that I was done
then I made over $4 billion at the box office
so I guess you could say I won

[Cheers and applause]

So I was fired
but tonight I’m rehired
and I’m the happiest man alive
‘cause it feels so good to be back with you here tonight
where it all began for me
right here on Saturday Night Live

We got a great show. Shawn Mendes is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Chris Farley Song | Season 44 Episode 19

Adam Sandler

[Starts with Adam Sandler on SNL stage playing an acoustic guitar.]

[He starts singing]

First time I saw him he was sweeter than honey
plaid jacket and belt too tight and he wasn’t even being funny
then he cart wheeled around the room and slow danced with the cleaning lady
he was a one man party
you know I’m talking about, I’m talking about my friend Chris Farley

[Picture of Chris appears in the screen][Cheers and applaud]

On Saturday night my man would always deliver
whether he was a bumblebee girl or living in a band down by the river
he loved bass and ditka dance and chippendale’s with Swayze
When every places, coffee with Folger’s he went full on crazy
As sexy as cat girl and meat loaf in the band
without him we had no lunch lady in lunch lady land
you know I’m thinking about, thinking about my boy Chris Farley

After a show he drink a quarter Jack Daniels
then stick the bottle right up his ass
but hungover as hell that catholic boy
always showed up to morning mad
We told him slow down or you’ll end up like Belushi and Candy
Said those guys are my heroes that’s all fine in dandy
I ain’t making that stuff up that’s the truth about my boy Chris Farley

I saw him in the office crying with his headphones on
listening to a KC and the Sunshine band song
I said bloody hell is that making you so sad
then he laughed and said just thinking about my dad
The last big hang we had was at Timmy Meadow’s wedding party
we laughed all night long all because of Farley

But a few months later the party came to an end
we flew out to Madison to bury our friend
nothing was harder than saying goodbye
except watching Chris’s father have his turn to cry
Buddy, you’ve moved on but you still bring us so much joy
make my kids laugh with your YouTube clips of Tommy boy

And when they ask me who’s the funniest guy I ever knew
I tell them hands down without a doubt it’s you
Yeah, I miss hanging out watching you try to get laid
but most of all I miss watching you torture Spade
You’re a legend, you owned it, but I still wish you were here with me
and we would get on a plane to go and shoot Grown Ups 3

Yeah, life ain’t the same without you boy
and that’s why I’m singing about, I’m singing about my boy Crhis Farley
and if we make enough noise maybe he’ll hear us
Give it up for the great Chris Farley.

Fashion Coward – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of exclusive fashion commercial]

Heidi Gardner: I let my look do the talking.

Ego Nwodim: My body is my canvas, and my clothes is my paint.

Narrator: When it comes to fashion, there’s no risk you won’t take. Well, congrats on being hot, but this ain’t for you. [Cut to a simple clothing store] Introducing fashion coward, the only stor for people who hate shopping and feel lost and scared, with clothes that suggest the general idea of a person. So many shirts are almost normal, but then they go like this. [Kate wearing a simle shirt with a knot at the bottom] We keep it safe with things like brown sweater, navy shirt, pants for the legs and one black dress that says keep it moving.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim from exclusive fashion commercial]

Ego Nwodim: My style tells a story.

[Cut to Emma in the simple clothing store]

Emma Stone: Same. My story is I’m a stranger to myself.

Aidy Bryant: I go in cruises with my parents.

Kate McKinnon: Ideal juror.

Narrator: Can’t decide between buttons and no buttons? We split the diff with a whole lot of this. [Cut to clips of shirts with half trail buttons] That’s a half trail of buttons that say – Bail! Bail, bail, bail. And you got to try on our big gray zip-up sweatshirt [Cut to clips of oversized hoodies] that doubles as a real life invisibility cloak. Try it on in our coward proof fitting room. As a child, you were humiliated in a Kohl’s fitting room where your mother said something so harmful, is seared off the top layer of your brain. You’re safe here with things like far mirrors.

[Cut to Kate checking her clothes on a mirror that’s pretty far]

Kate McKinnon: That’ll do.

Narrator: If an item of clothing makes you ask, am I this person?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe for like a rooftop party?

Narrator: It will immediately burst into flames. [The dress burns itself] Decisions are hard. That’s why if you take more than seconds to decide if you want something, the fitting room emits a mercy gas that knocks you out. [Kate faints] Then you’re carried home by a big strong man who shops for you. [Big strong man carrying Kate on his shoulder and choosing clothes for her] And we don’t sell swimsuits. You know why. [Cut to Kate, Aidy and Emma. They are very happy] Fashion coward.

Hobby Song – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Stone

[Starts with Melissa opening the Emma’s door] [Emma is reading her script]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, Emma. Welcome back.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Hey, Melissa. It’s good to see you. How have you been?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Frickin’ great. I’m so happy.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: That’s great. I mean last time I was here, it was your first season, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yep. [Cut to Melissa] And I’ve grown so much since then. [Cut to Emma agreeing] Especially in the self-love/confidence department. [Cut to Melissa laughs]

[Cut to Emma feeling awkward]

Emma Stone: Hmm, well, that’s cool. I’ll see ya.

[Cut to Emma let’s herself in]

Melissa Villaseñor: You know? I just had to look at myself and say, hey, [Cut to Emma and Melissa] you’re cool, Meliss. [Cut to Melissa] Let yourself rejoice in who you are. And you know what? I found a lot of peace through my hobbies.

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: That’s neat.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, you want to hear about them?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I mean I have to learn this –

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Great. I’m going to rap.

[Cut to music video of Melissa’s rap]

Yo, this goes out to all the hobby enthusiasts
when I’m not at work, what do I do?
do sexy Melissa things that I’m into
They’re called hobbies
ha-ha- I’m talking hobbies

Creative artsy type
that’s me all right
late at night drawing with my pixar light
gotta get the shading on my face just right
I’m doing a self-portrait in charcoal ya’ll, it’s crazy

[The portrait is singing]

These are my hobbies
These are my hobbies

I like biking, hiking, smelling my books
like drawing, painting, cooking for one
I sowing, knitting, smelling my books
I like napping, walking up and talking like Gandalf

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: Wait, hold up. Gandalf?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hmm-mm. I wake up and go, [In Gandalf voice] “That was a good nap.”

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Awesome. And you smell your books?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yeah, you got to smell books.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m sorry to do this but I really have to get going.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh! I’m almost done, though.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Cut to Melissa’s rap music video]

Melissa Villaseñor: I just ordered some sick binoculars
so I could bird watch and study these big old birds
Jealous? J-J-J-jealous? Yeah, you’re jealous.
I like dreaming, singing, working on my posture

notebooks, planners, hugging my backpack
I like silence, karate, get away from my backpack
Everyone wants my art supplies that are inside my backpack.

Get your own!

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Announcer: We need Emma on set. Emma stone to the set. Please.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, shoot. They need me on set. So annoying.

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, no, [Cut to Melissa] that sounds annoying. Almost as annoying as when someone interrupts you while you’re rapping about your hobbies.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I don’t think I’ve interrupted.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Melissa] Twice. You’ve interrupted twice. [Melissa stands] [Sad music plays] Emma Stone? More like, I’m a stone because stones don’t have feelings. And that’s you.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I am not a stone. The truth is I do have a hobby. I was just embarrassed.

[Cut to Melissa sits in front of Emma]

Melissa Villaseñor: Never be embarrassed of your hobby. It’s a part of you.

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: I’m going to rap now.

[Cut to music video of Emma’s rap]

Out of tiny town full of figurines
I’ve been carving them since I was 15
It’s called Emmaville and I’m the queen
it’s a cutest little town you’ve ever seen

Barry the mailman, Peter the jester
And the town gossip who’s name is chester
A cheeky little goof who’s full of secrets
a whole lot more that I’ll tell you all about.

[Cut to Melissa. She is shocked.]

Melissa Villaseñor: [In announcer voice] Melissa to set, please. Oh, you heard him. I gotta go.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Well, hey maybe we could – and she’s gone.

Melissa Villaseñor and Emma Stone: These are our hobbies

The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays]

[Cut to Megal peeking at her]

[Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn]

[Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone]

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair]

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy]

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]

Weekend Update: Disney’s New Streaming Service – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney+ on left top corner]

Colin Jost: Disney announced that in November it will launch its new streaming service called Disne+ as in you now have to get Disney + Hulu + Netflix + Amazon + a Play Station + cable. Even though at the end, you’ll say there’s nothing good on, let’s just watch Law and Order.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Kardashian on right top corner]

Michael Che: Kim Kardashian revealed that she plans to take the bar exam and become a lawyer in three years. I think she can do it. I mean it only took Kanye a couple years to [Picture changes to Kanye wearing Trump hat] go to space. [Picture changes to Canada flag] A man in Canada is searching for the owner of a car he stole more than 20 years ago so that he can apologize and also return his son. It’s not real, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map pinned to Moscow on left top corner]

Colin Jost: A new study lists the best city in the US to raise a family as Moscow, Idaho while the worst is once again Handsy Uncle Maryland.

Michael Che: I know that place. [laughs]

Colin Jost: [The picture changes to an old movie Grease] Paramount has begun developing a new movie called summer nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin on right top corner]

Michael Che: In a recent study, scientists created 3D scans of Dolphin vaginas and found that a Dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at Sea World. Well, I could have told you that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sliced meat on left top corner]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that one way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions caused by meat products is adopting a nose to tail diet of eating every part of the animal. Get ready for the all new McHoof. [Picture changes to McDonald’s burger having full animal leg]

Weekend Update: Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi on Picnics – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Michael Che

Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day

Brie Bacardi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It’s the first warm weekend in New York. Here with some romantic picnic tips Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi.

[Nico and Brie join Michael Che]

Nico Slobkin: Hey. What’s up man?

Brie Bacardi: Hi Michael.

Nico Slobkin: Jokes have been fire tonight man. Good job.

Michael Che: Thanks, man. So let’s hear these romantic picnic tips.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Okay, so the key to perfect picnic is a pretty location.

Nico Slobkin: Yeah, last week Brie and I picnicked at the Superbloom in LA. Here’s a post.

[Cut to Instagram post of their picnic]

Brie Bacardi: It says, “He thinks the flowers looked prettier on me than in the earth. #superbloom #ashappyasdayone #flatearth”.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: Wow, are you guys as in love in real life as you are in your pictures?

Brie Bacardi: Yes, [Cut to Nico and Brie] and people can tell because that’s our most liked photo to date.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, actually you’re wrong. She’s wrong. It’s actually our Disney land photo. That’s the most liked one.

Brie Bacardi: Okay, sorry, I’m wrong. [Acting annoyed] Sorry everyone. I guess I’m wrong.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Are you mad?

Brie Bacardi: No.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. You seem mad.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well I’m not mad.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Well you seem obviously mad.

Brie Bacardi: Nico, I literally don’t care. Drop it.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Drop it.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, is that how you think I talk?

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yes, when you get mad, you talk like that.

Brie Bacardi: [Pauses for a moment] Okay. Then I guess I’ll never talk again.

Nico Slobkin: [Tries to make up to Brie] No, baby. I’m sorry. What can I do? [Brie just shakes her head] What can I do? You want me to make you laugh? You want me to do Cartman? I’ll do the Cartman voice? [In Cartman voice] Cheesy poo!

Brie Bacardi: [Brie starts to laugh] Oh my god, that’s Cartman. Oh, that’s so fresh, baby.

Nico Slobkin: She loves it.

Brie Bacardi: I love you.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: I love you too, baby.

Michael Che: You good?

Brie Bacardi: Yeah, bulletproof Che. [Cut to Nico and Brie] So our next tip. Don’t forget to pack the rose because girls love the rose. Is that what your girlfriend drinks, Che?

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: I don’t have a girlfriend.

Brie Bacardi: What? [Brie touches Michael] You don’t have a girlfriend? That’s crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Well, let me know when you’re done hitting on Michael Che in front of me.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god.

[Nico pulls his shirt up covering his face]

Nico Slobkin: I’ll be in here.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. And he’s got a shirt shield on.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god!

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Were you not backstage when Emma Stone walked by and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, she’s so pretty.” Your eyes went out of your head.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, I was like the mask? They were like ‘Ba-Doom!’

Brie Bacardi: Yes!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

Brie Bacardi: You know what, you’re embarrassing yourself.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: Really?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. We’re breaking up.

Nico Slobkin: We’re breaking up?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. For real.

Nico Slobkin: Great! Whoo! Freedom.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, you’re happy?

Nico Slobkin: Yeah.

Brie Bacardi: Cool. That’s good to know for the after-party because let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. BTS will be there.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yay.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, and Pete will be there. Cool. I’m good.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Whoo! Yay!

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Well, okay. So, it wouldn’t be the first time you made out with eight dudes in one night.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, my god.

Nico Slobkin: Yes, she did. She did.

Brie Bacardi: And it was on October fest.

Nico Slobkin: So? I cannot do this anymore. You’re driving me insane. I hate my life.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well, I’m pregnant.

Nico Slobkin: You know I hate when you do this. So, I’m going to ask you, are you lying?

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.

Brie Bacardi: Our planet is flat.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.