Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Digital Exclusive- Lockdown Song

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with rappers rapping from in their homes.]

[music playing]

Chris: Wild Trio Gang. You know we back in this thang, turn the club up every night.

Ego: But we quarantined, and the club closed now.

Chris: Cause of corona’s ol’ goofy ass. So, I guess we just gonna have to turn up here at the crib then. The whole city locked down, you feel me? Ay!

I’m lit, sippin’ what’s left in my fridge
is it good? I don’t know
clean my kitchen and mess it back up
get dressed and sit in my room
remember high fives, handshakes? all that gone
I salute or nod, don’t touch me!
All I do is nap to gain weight
time to look you can’t push up away
living room pilates mask and gloves when I’m shoppin’
keep it 6 feet in line, don’t cough, I don’t want your droplets
house party while I flex my chain
Instagram live, look, it’s my chain
hey, sneezing in public just won’t be the same
sneezing in public just won’t be the same

Chorus: Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown
maybe we can, nope, city on lockdown
can’t go out, city on lockdown
on your Zoom, city on lockdown
essentials only, city on lockdown
put the mask on when you go out
get what you need, then take your ass home
Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown

Ego Nwodim: Club my crib, Lil’ Rona outside
that’s a bitch I don’t like (who’s that?)
She said my name at the door (who?)
I said, “I don’t know that ho”
I gotta keep her off me
anyway, I got a table coffee
pop a bottle of champagne, vodka
tequila keep me saucy
olive oil, V8, prune juice
I sit on my couch and I wile
the hell out in my socks, I call ’em new shoes
all socks, so free, black socks, white socks,
red socks, baseball oop,
I love my vibe, I’m the DJ too
After party, I’m tore up
yeah, don’t got to go far
coz my bed right there, yeah, yeah

Chorus: Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown
maybe we can, nope, city on lockdown
is this for real? City on lockdown
I’m losing my mind, city on lockdown
Kenan: it’s Big Cash, y’all know me
huh? Gotta keep it down, baby asleep
I got babies and they asleep
those my babies, like the baby
I go baby on baby on baby on baby
that’s two babies, my lady and me
shh, oh, look at that baby asleep
yeah, she’s so cute, yeah

Chorus: Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown
shh, lost my clothes, city on lockdown
lost my phone, city on lockdown
time don’t exist, city on lockdown
we love New York city, city, city
city on lockdown, hey

Kenan: Shh, the baby asleep

Digital Exclusive- Jaden Acts Out

Rachel… Melissa Villaseñor

Jaden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: Hey, I’m Rachel. I’m reaching out for any support or tips on [cut to Jaden acting weird in the living room] how to deal with someone you’re living with during quarantine who keeps acting out and is naughty.

[Cut to a video of Jaden crying on a sofa. The video is recorded by Rachel. He has a glass of wine in his hand.]

Jaden: I put my jersey on a long time ago though.

Rachel: We can watch it now though.

Jaden: But I’ve been ready for so long.

Rachel: I know. If you stop crying, you can watch it.

Jaden: I’m not crying. I’m laughing coz I’m very happy.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: My husband, Jaden, he’s 35. He’s been doing his finance job from home. He’s being a bad boy.

[Cut to a video of Jaden drawing something on a notepad. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Getting some work done? Can I see what you’re doing please, Jaden? One, two, three. Show me.

[Jaden shows her the drawing. It’s a stick woman with big breasts.]

Okay.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: I know a lot of you are struggling with this at home, with your kids. I need the help.

[Cut to a video of Jaden going out to the balcony through the window. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey, no, no, no. We do not go outside. Jaden! Jaden! One, two, three, butts down. [Jaden sits.] One, two– [Jaden runs inside] Thank you.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: So, any supportive tips would be great. He’s being a little bastard.

[Cut to a video of Jaden in the bathtub. His face is painted red. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Oh, Jaden. Did you paint your face again? [Jaden nods yes.] To watch your Jordan documentary? [Jaden nods yes.] And you used my acrylic paints. So, that’s going to take a really long time to get off. [Jaden shakes his head no.] Have you had a lot of wine? [Jaden nods yes.]

Digital Exclusive- Dr. Birx Ad

Dr. Deborah Birx… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Dr. Deborah speaking]

Dr. Deborah Birx: Hello, I’m Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator. You’ve seen me beside President Trump everyday providing my medical expertise. I’m on the front lines of this pandemic synthesizing critical, dense information so that the public can digest it. And your takeaway is, “Wow! That lady sure has a lot of scarves.”

[a couple of news articles about her scarves pop up on the screen]

Give my three decade long career as an expert in HIV AIDS immunology, vaccine research and global health, I think it’s wonderful that at the end of the day, scarves is the take away. I mean, you’re really latched on to the scarf thing. I love that. So, I’ve decided to lean in and design my own line for Mother’s Day.

Looking for something subtle and understated? Here’s one to love. [showing a scarf with “Screw you, I’m a doctor” written on it.]

Or, how about this? A whimsical pattern that says, “Do you know I went to medical school?” [showing the scarf]

And this one is birds. [showing the scarf] Because I like birds. Not everything has to be a thing.

I’ve answered all the tough questions like, “How do we stop this spread? Can we drink bleach?” But what you want to know is, “How do you fold your scarf?”

[Cut to Dr. Deborah showing how to fold scarf.]

Let me show you a simple timeless fold. Fold one. Fold two. And fold three.

Oh, here’s my favorite. A real statement piece. [showing the scarf] An actual statement piece. A message from the CDC. If this is the only thing that you’re zeroing in on while I’m talking, let’s make it count. Honestly, I don’t care if it’s sexist or not. Go ahead, buy a scarf for Mother’s Day. Just stay inside and stay away from Mom. Thank you.

So order today, wherever the hell scarves are sold.

Digital Exclusive- Animal Crossing

Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

[Starts with Melissa FaceTiming Mikey]

Mikey: Melissa!

Melissa: Hey, Mikey. I just– I wanted to see if you wanted to play some Animal Crossing.

[Cut to the game Animal Crossing.]

[sloop!]

[A girl is running]

Melissa: Hey, who’s this? [high-pitched babbling]

[Cut to Mikey and Melissa]

Mikey: Hah! That is Isabelle.

Melissa: What?

Mikey: What’s up?

Melissa: I went up to Cherry and she said, “You’re garbage.” Does that dog Cherry ever say that to you?

Mikey: No. Cherry’s like, super nice. He just said, “It is a very pretty day today!”

Melissa: Oh, that’s weird.

Mikey: Yeah. I heard if you hit a rock with a shovel, like, one of them has bells that pop out of it.

Melissa: Oh, sweet. Hey, and be careful shaking too many trees. There’s a lot of bee– What the hell? Has Dom ever said, “You will always be alone” to you?

Mikey: No. It’s kind of mean.

Melissa: I know. Am I on the mean mode or something?

Mikey: There’s no mean mode. I don’t think. It’s a kids’ game. Oh, I’m gonna catch this tiger butterfly right now.

Melissa: Oh my god! Tom Nook just said, “I hope you get COVID.”

Mikey: Ha-ha. No, he did not.

Melissa: Yes, he did. And now he’s saying, “Door’s that way.”

Mikey: Meliss, just come to my town.

Melissa: Yeah. Get me out of here.

Mikey: Alright, I just opened my gate. Go to the airport and say you want to visit my town.

[Cut to the game. Melissa’s character is at the airport. The duck in the counter says “Do you want to visit another town?” Melissa selects “Yes” option. The duck says, “No.”]

Melissa: He just said no.

Mikey: Here. Ask him again.

Melissa: Okay.

[Cut to the game. Melissa’s character is at the airport. The duck in the counter says, “Did I stutter?”]

Mikey: Here, I’m going to come to your town. Stay there. Hey, what did you name your town?

Melissa: Together town.

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t think that animals like your island coz Tommy just said, “Welcome to Dog Crap City.”

Melissa: Dog Crap City? That hurts. Here, come to my tent.

Mikey: Yeah. I want to see this new carpet you’ve been talking about.

Melissa: Oh my god!

Mikey: What?

Melissa: I died.

Mikey: You can’t die in this.

Melissa: I did. It says, “You’re dead. Foul play is suspected. Game over.” Dude, screw this game.

Mikey: Hey, is it cool if I hang out in your island? I just got invited to this big party to celebrate you dying>

Melissa: Oh, great! Have fun.

[Melissa hangs up]

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump’s Valet Tests Positive for Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their home]

Colin Jost: Welcome to the last Weekend Update Home Edition, we think. I’m Colin Jost. ne.

Micahel Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. A personal Valet who handles president Trump’s meals has tested positive for the coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. Trump also traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this, he didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason. And I gotta say, he looks special. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I’m not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats.

Micahel Che: Look. Obviously, this pandemic has been tough for everybody. I lost my grandmother. Colin, you lost J. Crew. Everything’s changing so fast. But what if this is my last time on TV? That sounds dramatic but I got a whole summer to survive. I mean, not just the virus, I got to worry about the police. You know, 40 people were arrested in New York for not social distancing and 35 of them were black, four were hispanic and only one was white. I guess white people are harder to catch coz they’re all greased up in sunscreen at Central Park, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m not ready to joke about J Crew yet. Tara Reade, the woman who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Replied Biden, “Wait, I’m still on the race?”

I don’t know whether the allegations against Joe Biden are true and I’m not sure Joe Biden does either. He probably has an easier time remembering Tara Reade if her name was like, Waffle Fries Johnson. What I do know is this is a really good argument for a female president. Like, you’ll never hear about Angela Merkel just grabbing some dude’s crotch. And if she did, it would be with a consent at a bdsm club in Dusseldorf.

Micahel Che: I mean, it’s just too much for me to worry about. You know, two white men in Georgia shot a black man for jogging in their neighborhood, Colin. Jogging! Said he looked suspicious. Look, I don’t want to brag, but I live in a very, very, very white neighborhood. And I spent so much of my time trying not to look suspicious to white neighbors. It’s exhausting. I don’t even feel comfortable wearing mask in public coz I feel it’s entrapment. But even I can’t think of something less suspicious in a white neighborhood than jogging. Except maybe tinkering on a trans am listening to Whitesnake or walking a toddler on a leash. I mean, what else can we do?

Colin Jost: Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses got into a twitter feud with Steve Mnuchin over administration’s coronavirus response. And no matter what your politics are, I think we can all agree that’s the dumbest sentence to ever count as news. Mnuchin attacked Axl Rose writinge “What have you done for this country?” Well, what Axl Rose did for this country was, his band tried to win the war on drugs by doing all the cocaine themselves.

Micahel Che: And Colin, now they got murder hornets coming out. Did you hear about the murder hornets? So, let me get this straight. I got to try to survive this summer, the coronavirus, the police, basic cardio and now big ass murder hornets? Is this real life or am I on “American Ninja Warrior?” Why do I feel like I’m living in the old testament? Look, if I get murdered by giant hornets, that’s just on me, man. I had it coming. Okay? I guess that just serves me, right? Call it karma. But Colin, just don’t tell my parents or wikipedia that the hornets got me. Just say it was the police orr I was masturbating with a belt and miscalculate the timing or something. Anything else to save me some dignity. Coz I can’t let history know me as that.

Colin Jost: The New YOrk subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Tina Fey on Mother’s Day

Michael Che

Tina Fey

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: And here with a message for mothers this Mother’s Day is our old friend, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hello. Thank you, Che. I hope this email finds you well.

Michael Che: Well, How have you ben holding up during this quarantine?

Tina Fey: Michael, I can only say, so far, so good. Like, so many of us, I’m trying to focus on the positive. This is a historic time. An opportunity to be still and focus on what really matters in life. For example, I’m getting to spend so much more time with my passwords. Apple ID, Hulu, Nintendo, Slack, Zoom, Google Hangouts, Spectrum Cable, Amazon, that other stupid Amazon app for watching things. All my passwords are a little bit different and beautiful in their own way. And I see that now. Also, my kids are here.

Michael Che: Oh.

Tina Fey: And yes, it’s stressful to be in New York sometimes. I miss going to the grocery store. But there are so many great hacks you get off the internet. For example, did you know that if you’re baking cookies and you don’t have any flour, you can just go to bed. Yeah, you can all just shut your mouths and go to bed. I’m focusing on the many beautiful lessons I’ve learned. Do you know that the phrase- ‘viney bitretum savitas ponum’ means in Latin?

Michael Che: Nope.

Tina Fey: It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know Latin, Che. but now I’m in charge of teaching it to my kids. I’ve been making up gibberish and saying that’s Latin. I’m sorry, school.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Tina Fey: And it’s okay to try to find little moments of levity and joy. When the news is too much and I need to laugh, I like to think about three months ago when everyone was so worried about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my god. You’re free, guys. No one cares who pays for your Vancouver security detail anymore. I can’t even remember what they look like. I think they both have eyes. Anyway, Che, I wanted to offer a special prayer for mothers everywhere this Mother’s Day. This mother’s day give us the grace to accept the things that cannot be changed. Like, the sheets. I can’t do it anymore, Che. I’ve changed them eight times already. Shouldn’t they just be clean forever now? Give us the courage to change the things we can. Like, our Zoom background, from a tropical beach to a picture of Governor Cuomo holding you like a baby. You can hit his nipple ring like a rattle. To a picture of my foot, two months ago when it still looked human. Mothers, may you take this journey one day at a time. This pandemic is far from over and there will be many emotional ups and downs. Ride those waves, mothers. Ride them like, a day drunk boomer at currently open Georgia Water Park. #ad #CatchTheFun. May we be kind to ourselves. Remember, the only way out of a feeling is through it. Don’t be afraid to be emotional in front of your kids. These are crying times. Let them see you open mouth chew cold spaghetti while you scream words like “moron.” and “dunning kruger syndrome, look it up. He definitely has it,” at the news program of your choice. And if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself. Repeat after me, Che. I am a good mother.

Michael Che: I am a good mother.

Tina Fey: My children know they’re loved.

Michael Che: My children have hopefully all been prevented.

Tina Fey: It’s not a blue state bailout, you turkey face.

Michael Che: It is not a blue state bailout, you all white meat turkey!

Tina Fey: In this moment, I am okay.

Michael Che: In this moment, I am okay.

Tina Fey: I smell fine.

Michael Che: When you say it like that, it makes me feel like you don’t, so…

Tina Fey: Lastly, lord, and most importantly– I couldn’t write this last part because I can’t focus anymore, Che.

Michael Che: Tina Fey everybody.

Tina Fey: Thank you, nurses. Thank you, doctors. Thank you, doormen.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Panda Express & Tom Cruise in Space

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the coronavirus. But it’s way worse for employees over at ‘Bat on a Stick.’

Michael Che: ESPN announced that it will start airing South Korean baseball games. So, I hope they don’t have trouble pronouncing the names of South Korean players like, Yang Heyon-Jong or Kim Jae-Hwan and god, I hope I’m not butchering this one, Preston Tucker.

Colin Jost: Vermont police arrested a man who went into Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte.

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise is working with Space X and NASA to film the first movie ever shot in space. Shot in space? Uh, SpaceJam?

A 93 year old man maid at a nursing home in California Hitchhiked to a local convenient store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs.

Colin Jost: Elon Musk and Grimes have named their baby this [X Æ A-Colin JostMichael Che appears on the screen], which I assume is the number you dial on California for child services.

Michael Che: GoDaddy has shut down a website that hosted a Miss Hitler beauty pageant. Coincidentally, Miss Hitler beauty pageant was the working title for the Ingraham Angle. By the way, Colin, if you’re wondering who the winner of the Miss Hitler pageant was, Miss Isreal.

Colin Jost: The actor who played the Mountain on The Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1100 lbs in a competition. Unfortunately, officials still gave the gold medal to Bran for some [bleep] reason.

Michael Che: One of Michael Jordan’s former teammates Craig Hodges is criticizing Jordan saying that he broke the player’s code by revealing in the new documentary ‘The Last Dance’ that he saw teammates having cocaine party. Hodges said he’s like an apology from Jordan as well as just 20 bucks, or 10 bucks, or 5 bucks.

Colin Jost: You may remember, the last show as part of the All-in challenge, Che agreed to tell a joke on air written by a fan that he has never seen before. So, Michael, if you want to check your email, we sent the joke over. And when you read it, just remember, this raised a lot of money for charity.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. [reading the joke] Some airlines have announced that as part of coronavirus safety procedures, they will now be boarding from the back of the planes so that first class would be the last to board. Apparently, watching all the people in coach silently trudging past you just doesn’t hit the way it used to.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, hundred grant well spent.

Michael Che: Yeah. That’s a lot of money. But you know, Colin, all this charity reminds me that I actually got a letter from a sick kid in a hospital and he said his one wish was for you to read a joke that he wrote for you. Yes. So, if you go to your email, you can just open it up. It’s literally right in there.

Colin Jost: [bleep] dammit. This is for a sick kid?

Michael Che: Yeah. Very sick boy.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, here it goes. A McDonald’s in China was criticized for posting a sign saying that black people were not allowed to enter. Which is the same sign I’m going to hang on my daughter.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh my goodness. Whoa! Wow. He went in a slightly different direction than the guy that won the contest. That’s what’s so strange.

Colin Jost: If it’s to help a sick kid.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. He’s getting stronger as we speak.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!

Zoom Church

Pastor… Pastor Thompson

Sister Johnson… Sister Johnson Nwodim

Melissa Thayer… Melissa Thayer Strong

Latrell J. … Latrell J. Redd

[Starts with Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church video bumper.]

[Cut to Pastor in his home.]

Pastor: Alright, praise the lord and welcome back to the Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church Mother’s Day service. I see a large congregation logged into the Zoom machine. Much more than last service. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Okay. I just want to send a friendly reminder to everybody to mute yourselves during the service, alright? Because the way that the Zoom machine works is that every mic is as loud as mine. So, when y’all respond, I can’t really hear myself preach, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: I can hear y’all agreeing which mean that you’re not taking the note because it’s still very, very loud. Alright? So, how about nobody say amen after I say amen, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Yes, I can see this might be a longer than usual four hours service. When the bible speaks about motherhood–

[The kids are making noise]

Sister Johnson: Sit your little asses down and be quiet. We in church.

Pastor: I see sister Johnson’s mic is definitely still on. Sister Johnson? Sister Johnson, we can all hear you through the machine.

Sister Johnson: [to the kids] Y’all see that? The pastor can hear y’all. You’re ruining church.

Pastor: No. I hear you, sister Johnson. Everybody else is on mute. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why are y’all still not in mute? And who’s got the TV on?

Melissa Thayer: Oh, that’s just my James. He’s watching dang sports center. Is it too loud?

Pastor: Yes.

Melissa Thayer: Hold on. James, can you turn it down? Is that better? Can you hear it?

Pastor: Nothing has changed. Look, just everybody, mute yourselves. Amen?

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why ain’t you doing it?

Latrell J.: Pastor’s having a hard time hearing y’all. So, we’re going to go straight to Amazing Grace.

Pastor: Latrell, boy I can hear you whisper it. Why aren’t you on mute?

Latrell J.: Coz I still have to direct a choir, pastor.

Pastor: Well, then just text them. Alright, I’m hearing myself echo which means some of y’all got your machines way up too loud. And it’s bleeding into my end. Amen?

All: Praise god. Amen.

Pastor: Stop answering me. Okay? The lord wants everybody to click on that little microphone with the red line through it and when it says ‘Mute?’, press yes, amen?

All: Amen. Praise the lord.

[They all mute themselves.]

Pastor: Yes. You did it. Oh, thank you. Now, can I get through this service in peace, amen? Sister Johnson? Nobody? Alright. Well, choir, I guess we should just go to Amazing Grace. Can anybody hear? [Latrell J. is doing managing the choir] I can’t hear a damn thing. Man, this sucks.

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.