Weekend Update Kim Jong Un

Colin Jost

Kim Jong-Un… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s Christmas time and that means everyone is scrambling to find that perfect gift for that special someone. Here to comment is, oh no, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.

[Bobby Moynihan slides in]

Bobby Moynihan: What’s up, America? Whooooo! It’s me, Kim Jong-Un.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no, no. Bobby, I don’t think this is a good idea.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Who’s Bobby? [winks his eye] Seriously, Jost, it’s fine man. [Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan] I’m not afraid. Okay, I got this.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Holiday shopping can be a pain. [There is a red laser target of gun on Bobby’s chest.] You know? The lines. The scrambling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Um, Bobby. Um, there’s a–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Don’t you mean supreme leader?

Colin Jost: No, no–

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Christmas shopping can be a huge pain. [Now, there are a lot of lasers pointing at Bobby Moynihan’s chest.] It’s really just– [Bobby Moynihan notices the lasers.] Oh! Okay. Oh! Sorry. Maybe I’ll just get out of here.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Bobby Moynihan, every–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Hey! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m Seth Rogan. Seth Rogan, everybody.

Colin Jost: Seth Rogan, everybody.

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.] [cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing] [Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.