Category: 2015

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling about Relationships

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: As temperatures drop, single people are trying to lock down relationships to help get them through the winter. Here with his unique take on the subject is the guy that I’ve been seeing around the clubs and colleges, all over the place, veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hi. Michael, so good to be here. I gotta say, you look good… for once. Seriously, I gotta put it all out on table tonight. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] I really do. And you know, people trying to keep me from speaking my mind. But I’m sorry yo! Somebody gotta tell it like it is. I do not get women.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Right? Coz the thing about women is they’re always asking so many questions. You notice this? You seen this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Where you going Bruce? Where you’ve been? What happened to all the stuff in the refrigerator? Pretty soon I start to think am I dating a girl or am I dating a pop quiz?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, thanks for stopping by, Bruce. That was pretty good, man.

Bruce Chandling: And.. and.. the dates these girls wanna go on, it’s like, are you serious? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] It’s always, “Oh, take me to dance club. I love to dance.” But it’s like, yo, face it Michael, guys do not dance!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What?

Bruce Chandling: Ay! The only move we know how to do is the slide… the bowl of chips closer to us and twist… open the chili cheese dip.

Michael Che: So this is what you wanted to say on TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay! Right on, daddio! You see, guys just make sense. With girls it’s always, “Oh, I wanna settle down. Let’s be in a relationship.” Then then when you finally say, “Okay, you’re my girlfriend”, then they go fool around with one of your closest friends? It’s like why can’t they be with just one guy?

[Bruce Chandling looking very sad.]

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che. Michael Che is looking at Bruce Chandling very concerned.]

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, is everything okay?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: What’s the matter? Whenever you try to get a hold of a girl, she’s always “At soccer practice”.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Bruce Chandling: Or if it’s not that, she is too busy planning the senior prank.

Michael Che: Oh! Hold on, dude!

Bruce Chandling: It’s just a thing that all women do these days.

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, it sounds like your girlfriend might be a high school.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] No. [thinking for a long time] Oh, no. Ay, no, coz she looks like a… That makes sense. Guess I was meant to be alone. I mean that’s what I’m best at, right?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: oh, come on Bruce! I’m sure that plenty of women out there that are your own age that would love to be with you.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Maybe right. Only problem is, I do not get… Women!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of phone keyboard with emojis on it at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new keyboard has been introduced that let’s users type in emojis. Or makes your grandmother think she’s gone insane.

[Picture changes to a gavel]

A woman has filed a $one million lawsuit against the feminist publishing house after she claimed she was fired for being too lesbian. Which is the same thing I was told when I got kicked off the high school football team. [Picture changes to an old black and white picture Colin Jost]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caffeinated peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That is jarry. A brand of peanut butter is being sold called Steem which contains more caffeine than a redbull. Perfect for that creep who wants that dog to just go to town down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

[audience laughing hard]

Colin Jost: But you get it. Okay.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a big diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The blue moon diamond which sold at auction for $48 million was bought by a billionaire for his 7 year old daughter which raises the disturbing question, “Did that guy cheat on his daughter?”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: This week students at Yale University marched in protest after the dean sent out an email asking students not to wear racially insensitive costumes.

Michael Che: And then a white professor replied all and defended the right to “Be offensive”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a white and a black mens’ arms.]

Colin Jost: Okay, first of all if you’re white, maybe just don’t go out of your way to jump into a racial debate. Just like in general when people start talking about race, I’m never like, “I’ll go first.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Reply to all’ button of email at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But you literally just did that!

Colin Jost: Never again.

Michael Che: Look, professor, if you’re gonna say something like that, don’t hit ‘Reply all’, alright? Workshop it first. Do what Colin does. Send it to your one black friend with the subject, “Hey, saw this somewhere. Any thought?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of ‘Reply to all’ button of email at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay, you laughed but it’s helpful. Okay? This is how we learn. Okay? That’s why this Halloween I went as white Al Roker.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of written Yale University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I thought you were Dr. Phil.

Colin Jost: Man! My mom worked really hard on that.

Michael Che: Well, your mom stinks. Look, white kids, if you’re not sure whether or not your costume is offensive, just do what black kids do and don’t dress up for Halloween. I mean, you can afford to go to Yale, you can buy your own candy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snooki and Jwoww from Jersey Shore at left top corner.

Colin Jost: Former Jersey Shore stars Snooki and Jwoww have launched a new reality series on YouTube called “Moms With Attitude.” Plans are already in works for a spin off series called “Dads With Custody”.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Last week, Donald Trump hosted our show and he seemed fine when he was here. But since then I think he might have snapped. Because on Thursday this happened.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Bing-bing-bong and Dat!

[pulling his belt up and down] It moves this way. It moves that way.

[gesturing as if he’s stabbing] He lunged that knife.

Wah!

Behold!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: For 95 minutes. 95 minutes is a long time to talk. That’s 10 minutes longer than Men in Black 2. Donald Trump also said, “If I become president, we’re all gonna be saying Merry Christmas again.” Oh, I don’t know about that but we’ll definitely be saying “Jesus Christ!” a lot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Jeb Bush said that he would go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler as a baby, a move that would have left Germany in the weak bumbling hands of Adolf’s brother, Jeb Hitler.

[The picture changes to Ben Carson]

In a separate interview, Ben Carson said he would not abort baby Hitler if he had the chance. So basically now, this election is down to which candidate would make the best time travelling baby murderer?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders has received the endorsement of the American Postal Worker’s Union and nothing has ever made more sense than that. I mean Bernie Sanders looks like if the post office became a person. I don’t know. Either they’re endorsing him or they just issued a new stamp honoring Martin Van Buren. [Picture changes to Martin Van Buren and Bernie Sanders both having messy hair.]

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Marco Rubio]

At the republican debate, senator Marco Rubio called for a return to vocational training saying that we need “Less philosophers and more welders.” But I don’t know. I think maybe we need less presidential candidates and more working senators.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Christian groups are complaining that Starbucks is waging a war on Christmas by removing traditional holiday images from cups, which sounds crazy but I checked myself and apparently Starbucks can’t even spell Jesus. [Picture changes to a Starbucks cup with Jesus spelled as ‘Jeezers’.]

Uber For Jen

Jen… Elizabeth Banks

Tyler… Mike O’Brien

Beck Bennett

Tyler’s wife… Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with ‘Mike O’Brien Picture’ video bumper]

[Cut to a woman entering a car]

Jen: Uber for Jen?

[Tyler looks back at Jen]

Did you get my destination. I’m going to 91st in Amsterdam. You’re kind of going in an insane route. Just make the next left. Just coming up right here, and you missed it. Okay, it’s cool, you can just take the next left. And left… oh, missed it. Um, is this Uber for Jen? Do you speak English?

[Tyler stops by a drive through]

Tyler: Can I get a number two combo, no pickles?

Jen: And a peach banana smoothie, grande?

[The drive through passes the packed food to Tyler]

Tyler: Great, thank you.

[The drive through passes the smoothie to Jen, but Tyler drives away and the smoothie falls down.]

Jen: So not cool. Okay, neither one of us wants to give the other a bad rating. So, let’s just be focused. My phone says your best bait is take a U-turn right up here and go back 20 miles. So we’re gonna make a U-turn right… you missed it. Is this an Uber for Jen? U-turn. U-turn.

[Cut to Tyler and Beck in a meeting]

Beck: I’m sorry Mr. Tyler but we can’t help you with the house that’s that expensive. If you and Mrs. Tyler…

[Jen is sitting beside Tyler]

Tyler: Oh, she is not my wife.

Jen: Ah! I’m Jen. 91st in Amsterdam.

Beck: Oh, yeah, makes more sense. You said your wife was nine months pregnant.

Tyler: Yeah, she is.

Jen: She is? Oh!

[Cut to Jen and Tyler shopping for the baby, having ice cream, taking selfies and spending time together.]

Clueless or mean girls?

Tyler: [looking back] Oh, that’s tough.

Jen: [scared] Oh my god!

[the car hits someone]

Tyler: Oh, my god. Oh, I think I just hit a dude.

[Cut to Jen and Tyler getting rid of the dead body in an alley]

Jen: Oh, my god!

[Tyler stops the car in hurry]

[A turtle is slowly crossing the road]

Tyler: Close call.

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting in the car]

Tyler’s wife: Oh my god. I think my water just broke.

[Jen is looking at Tyler’s wife while Tyler’s wife is screaming while Tyler is driving.]

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting off the car with a baby and waving goodbye to Jen and Tyler]

[Tyler’s wife gives birth to a baby in the car]

Jen: Oh, 91st in Amsterdam. Hey, my friend actually lives here. How did you know?

Tyler: The app shows me where to go.

Jen: So you are my Uber driver.

Tyler: Yeap.

Jen: Cool, thanks. Bye.

Tyler: Bye.

[Tyler rates Jen only three stars.]

[Dan gets in the car]

Dan: Hey, Uber for Dan? Take a left up here. Yep, just right up here. And… left. Ha-ha. Dammit! That was the…

[Cut to credit scene]

[Directed by Matt and Oz]

Theatre Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Taran Killam

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth on the stage]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Elizabeth: Written and directed by us, students.

[Cut to Vanessa, Kenan and Leslie in the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth]

Aidy: Before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s performance may cause extreme bouts of progress.

Elizabeth: Now, without further due, please enjoy Mirror to America, a reflection of you.

[The lights go dim and music plays. The other members of the crew join the stage and pose.]

Kyle: Help. I am dying. Can someone help?

Beck: [acting like he’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a meeting.

Aidy: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a party.

Kate: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I need to tweet.

Kyle: Will no one stop to help? I’m [coughing] … done!

[Kyle falls]

Taran: Oh, no! There’s been a death.

Elizabeth: Check his license. What is his name.

Taran: It says ‘The Earth’.

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to the audience]

Leslie: Hell no. No. No.

[Leslie just leaves]

[Cut to the stage. The actors are standing on the boxes.]

Beck: And now, a song about who really runs the world.

[Beyonce’s song ‘Girls’ playing part by part.]

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Well, why would they do that scene when they’re all white? Just sounded like bragging.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing sitting on the boxes.]

Kate: Okay now, let’s lighten things up. Who wants to hear a joke?

Taran: Me!

Beck: I do.

Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kate: Okay, here’s the joke. They call it see world, but they don’t see the world. They…

All: See walls.

Kate: They…

All: See tanks.

Kate: They…

All: See nothing.

Kate: [looking at the audience] So, before you go to see world, see yourself inside the tank. Mam, would you like to live in captivity?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Um, no.

[Cut to the stage.]

Taran: Well, would you like to be separated from your children?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: No.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kyle: Would you like to be jacked off for your sperm?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to the stage]

Kate: Now do you see?

All: World?

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: That was the worst moment of my entire life.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

Elizabeth: Ladies and gentlemen, this next scene is completely normal.

Beck: If you have a problem with what you’re about to see, your mind is small.

Kate: Your world is small.

Aidy: You are small. And action!

[Kyle and Taran walk forward]

Taran: Hi boyfriend, I love you.

Kyle: Hi boyfriend, I love you.

[Kyle and Taran kiss each other three times]

All: That was normal!

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: [reading the invitation] It says the proceeds from tonight’s show go to Neil Patrick Harris. He doesn’t need that.

[Cut to the stage. Aidy is caressing her hair and the others are looking at her.]

Aidy: My mama used to brush my hair every night before bed just to get out of tangles. Then one night I went into a room and I said, “Mom, I’ve got a bad tangle”, but she was dead. So treasure your parents. Because you never know when they won’t be around to help you with life’s tangles.

[Everybody hugs Aidy]

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? I’m her mom! I’m not dead. Also, she is such a bitch to me. Like, everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

Kyle: Tell me, have you ever judged a book by it’s cover?

Taran: Do you assume everyone’s outside matches their inside?

Elizabeth: For example, sir, do you think I’m a girl or a boy?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Um, just based on this show so far, I’m guessing you’re a boy?

[Cut to the stage]

Elizabeth: Um… oh… can you actually say girl?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Fine. You’re a girl.

[Cut to the stage]

Elizabeth: Wrong! I’m a boy.

All: Wow!

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Oh, my god! Look at this. They have a chair taped off for Caitlyn Jenner.

Kenan: She doesn’t wanna come to this.

[Cut to the stage. The actors bow down.]

Elizabeth: Thank you. That was our show.

Aidy: As you exit, please leave a bottle of water in this box and we’re gonna send it to California.

[The End]

The Bureau and the Pervert

Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too]

[Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody]

[Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth]

[Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.]

[The End]

The Adventures of Young Ben Carson

Elizabeth Banks

Richie… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Jay Pharoah

Mom… Leslie Jones

Black Jesus… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Ben Carson’s Book and the newspaper articles]

Male voice: The media went after him pretty hard even though he’s one of the most accomplished doctors in all the land. A true American success story. But I knew him before all that. Back when he was just another brother from the streets of Detroit. Back when he was young Ben Carson.

[Screen showing “The Adventures of Young Ben Carson”.]

Adapted from the stories of Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Detroit in 1968. Elizabeth, Richie and Sasheer are talking in the street.]

Elizabeth: And he thought Richie would back down.

Richie: Yeah. So I told him, “Don’t listen to me. [showing his handgun] Listen to my two friends. Smith and Wessen.

Elizabeth: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sasheer: You think that’s bad. You ought to meet my boyfriend Ben.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: Did somebody say my name?

Richie: Ben?

Ben: Yeah, what are you doing in this neighborhood? Like a Muslin in the White House, you don’t belong.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Wait, what?

Richie: [fake laughing] You’re out there Ben, you’re crazy, man!

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben. Sasheer looks worried.]

Ben: Excuse me? What did you say about me?

Sasheer: Ben, don’t. Your temper. He’s mad now!

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Really? He’s angry?

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben.]

Really?

Ben: [speaks calmly] I am hot with rage. And right now, I’m about to go off. I feel like I might have to cut you.

[Ben takes a knife out]

[Sasheer screams and runs away]

[Cut to Ben, Elizabeth and Richie]

Here comes with the quickness.

[Ben is moving slowly towards Richie]

Elizabeth: Quick! Stick out your belt.

[Ben hits Richie’s belt buckle with his knife and drops it]

Ben: Ah, man! Blocked by a belt buckle. This happens all the time.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Ben, what are you dong?

Ben: Oh, my ma. We were just playing.

Mom: Get off these streets and back in the library. You’re going to ruin your future and end up in jail.

Ben: I can’t go to prison, my ma. People go to prison straight and come out gay. I’m not ready to be gay.

Mom: That don’t make no sense, Ben. And open your damn eyes.

Ben: Oh, my eyes are open, my ma. Wide and full of rage. Now it’s time to open your’s.

[Ben fetches a hammer]

Mom: Oh, damn! He got a hammer!

Elizabeth: Quick, put this belt on your head.

[Elizabeth puts a belt on Mom’s forehead.]

[Ben is about to hit Mom]

Male speaker: Halt!

[Ben looks around to see who it is]

Ben: Who is that?

[Cut to Black Jesus walking in. He is walking on smoke and wearing a white robe.]

Black Jesus: It’s me, black Jesus.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Amazing.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Black Jesus: Open your eyes, my son. Why are you out here on the streets acting like a fool? You know I created humans like you to be the most evolved species.

Ben: But evolution isn’t real or we’d have the fossils to prove it. And those fossils don’t exist.

Black Jesus: Not so sure about that. But you still need to act right. You have a higher purpose, Ben. Someday, you’ll save hundreds of lives. Inspire thousands of kids, and make millions of people say, “How did he get up there?”

Ben: But black Jesus, I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?

Black Jesus: I guess.

Ben: Fantastic. Let’s go get our portraits painted together.

Black Jesus: Well sure, as long as you put it up in your house.

Ben: Alright.

[Cut to a picture of Jesus and Ben Carson doing high-five. Their bodies are drawn like in kid’s school.]

Black Jesus: And we were friends. Best friends. We went to Yale together. We separated twins together. We went to Egypt and saw the ancient grain silo. [Picture has Ben and Mom, and there are pyramids behind them.] That’s a lot of grain.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Ben: Everything black Jesus said came true. I became respected surgeon and a multi-millionaire all in America that today is very like Nazi Germany.

[Black Jesus clears his throat]

Black Jesus: Oh, Ben. You crazy. Haha.

Ben: [looking disappointed] What did you say about me?

[Ben pulls his knife out]

Black Jesus: You gonna cut Jesus?

[Cut to The Adventures of Young Ben Carson outro]

[The End]

Talking About Ghetto

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Megan… Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four ladies eating in a restaurant]

Cecily: I like the food here but the bathroom is ghetto as hell.

Sasheer: So ghetto.

Megan: Oh, my god. Yes.

Cecily: Like they sell those like, double faucet sink.
Vanessa: I know. I hate that. Like, what year is it? Please get it together.

Sasheer: Yeah. Speaking of ghetto, I took an Uber X here and for the first time my driver picked me up in a busted ass Toyota. And literally, his wife was in the front seat.

Megan: Whoa! That is so ghetto.

Sasheer: It was the worst.

Vanessa: Oh, my god. I would have just walked.

Cecily: Megan, how’s your living situation?

Megan: Oh, so ghetto. I’m still living with that poor family in low income government housing. And my roommate, Mr. Odis lost his job at the car wash again. So he doesn’t have his part of the rent for like, the millionth time. And now he’s back to selling pot again. So our apartment’s like, always filled with randoms.

Sasheer: You mean, literally in the ghetto?

Vanessa: Um, sounds really awful.

Cecily: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Megan: And the landlord was like, banging on our door all frigging night because he needs the rent money ‘right now’. For god knows what. And I’m like, “What the hell? Who needs $285 at 3 am. So ghetto.

Vanessa: So, yesterday I ran out of Sriracha and had to put Texas Pete in my Pad Thai.

Sasheer: [laughing] So ghetto.

Cecily: I had to eat sushi with a fork coz the delivery guy forgot to bring me chopsticks.

Megan: [laughing] The elevator in my building was broken again. So, I had to walk up like, 17 floors upstairs. Even though ones they go outside. And there was just like, some baby standing in the staircase. And he is literally wearing a pamper. Nothing else. I mean, how ghetto is that?

Vanessa: [nodding head] Um, very.

Sasheer: Was the baby okay?

Cecily: Did you call the cops?

Megan: Oh, as if. I freaking took out my phone to dial 911 and the baby literally said to me, “Snitches get stitches, bitch.” And I’m like, “Um, OMG. You’re literally three years old right now. What are you even saying?” And then he asked me if I was in Instagram coz apparently I have a fatty for a white girl.

Vanessa: Um, that’s actually the most ghetto thing I’ve ever heard.

Sasheer: Ya, why do you live there? Aren’t your parents loaded?

Megan: I mean, barely.

Cecily: Um, so, I went out for drinks with this guy and he literally asked me to split the bill.

Sasheer: Ew! That’s so ghetto.

Vanessa: I can’t even imagine. Guys are like, so cheap.

Megan: Ah! I asked to J’Marcus for a drink. He took me to a bodega. He bought me a gallon of fruit punch for $1.09 and then was so pissed that they raised the price 10 cents.

Cecily: Who is J’Marcus?

Megan: Oh, you know those nine guys that are always standing in front of my building?

Vanessa: Um, the guys that are always in winter coat even in the summer time?

Megan: Yes. But the one that’s always shirtless holding a pitbull leash but no pitbull on it.

Cecily: Okay.

Sasheer: Ya. I mean, he makes me so mad. One time I asked him to buy me cigarettes and he literally just bought me two. Two loose cigarettes. They weren’t even the same brand. It’s so ghetto.

Sasheer: Megan, you gotta get out of that neighborhood.

Cecily: Seriously, why are you there?

Megan: Coz, it’s only eleven bucks from the train. I’m in the city under two hours. And they have the best tacos.

Vanessa: Oh, I friggin love tacos.

Cecily: Right. I’ll basically eat anything from a truck.

[Jay walks in. He walks in with a shopping cart. He looks homeless.]

Jay: Ay! Is one of y’all name Megan?

Megan: Okay, that’s my Uber cart. So, see you gals.

[Megan gets on the cart]

Jay: So, you want some gum?

[Cecily, Sasheer and Vanessa are waving bye to Megan]

Cecily: That crackhead’s cart is so ghetto.

Vanessa: Um, let’s stop saying that forever.

Cecily and Sasheer: Yeah.

[The End]

Horny Song

Elizabeth Banks

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with five women’s music video intro. They’re all wearing white outfits.]

Elizabeth: Hey, boys. We love all of you. But this song is for a few special men.

Kate: The ones who ignited our flames.

Vanessa: Who opened our eyes.

Aidy: And who first taught us how to be truly horny.

Cecily: [singing] I was in seventh grade, watching Tiara
when I had a feeling I had never felt
It was Carson Daily in normal jeans
and the blackest nails I had ever seen
I got up on the couch
and I knocked my first one out

Kate: 1996, I first heard about
started getting sweaty in my thermal top
Dala Hanslin’s lips and his long blonde hair
the most gorgeous woman anywhere
and that’s how I could tell
that I was gay as hell

All: You let the spark inside of me
you let my teeny tiny boobies free
yeah, we never met and we never will
but I thank you still coz I first got horny to you

Elizabeth: My guy was hot as hell, a real authority
it was Mr. Sheful from the Nanny
he was so refined, it made me insane
but I still don’t know that actor’s name
I look him up on my phone
just a second we’re alone

[music stops. Elizabeth is looking for him on her phone and all the other girls are watching.]

Charles Johnassy

Girls: Oh! Hmm…

[music begins]

Vanessa: Okay now, it’s me, mine is pretty bad
its those guys who kill their mom and dad
and the Mendez brothers, they were cute and young
I think Eric was the hotter one

Elizabeth: Vanessa, this is on TV

Vanessa: Oh right! Then I’ll say JTT.

All: You let the spark inside of me
you were my porn in 1993
and I never saw you without a shirt
but it still works, coz I first got horny to you

Aidy: I came alive back in 94, I felt for a carnivore
that’s right, the hunting son from dinosaur
I would sit on my hands and scoop
to a man in a lizard suit

All: You let the spark inside of me
other time just for me
I was on pillow put it down
and just go to tell when I first got horny to you

Kate: So horny, yeah!

All: When I first got horny to you
coz I first got horny to you

[Cut to the dinosaur opening his dinosaur mask in front of Aidy. He is so old that Aidy starts screaming out of fear.]

[The End]