Category: 2015

Elizabeth Banks Monologue

Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Banks.

[Elizabeth Banks walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Banks: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope I look okay. I just came from the gym. You may know me from the Hunger Games movies where I play Effie Trinket. I think we have a couple of Trinket heads in the audience tonight.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney wearing wig and make-up as Effie Trinket in the audience]

Kyle: [Screaming] Yes!

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks]

Elizabeth Banks: Now, most of you probably know me as an actress but I also recently caught the directing bug. That’s right. I directed Pitch Perfect 2. And I honestly don’t know what I like more. Being in front of the camera or behind it because I really see things as a director now. Like, I’m noticing that this shot is just a scooch tight. You’re kind of losing the dress. Let me ask our director. Hey Don.

Don: Yes, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Banks: Do me a favor. Pop out a smidge.

Don: You got it.

[The camera zooms out a little bit. You can see Elizabeth Banks’s dress better now.]

Elizabeth Banks: Perfect! Great! I might give a few more notes as we go.

Don: Please don’t.

Elizabeth Banks: Oh, no. That’s right. It’s your show. It’s just… ah! I’m so unbelievably excited to be up here right now. So, I’m gonna take this one. Cue music.

[music playing]

Lights to half.

[Lights dim a little]

Yeah, that’s nice. Microphone.

[Someone hands over a micto Elizabeth Banks]

And cue talent.

[singing] First when there’s nothing
but a slow blowing dream

B camera.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from B camera angle]

That your fears seem to high
deep inside your mind

Give me a close up.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from close up shot]

All alone I have cried

Too close!

[Close up shot slowly zooms out]

silent tears for the price

Better.

In a world made of steel
made of stone

Let’s loose this dress and get funky!

[two helpers come in and start opening Elizabeth Banks’s dress.]

Well I feel the music

Cue, snow.

[artificial snow stars pouring on the stage]

close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Go stars!

[a sparkling star appears on the screen]

Round, take a whole of my heart

Up to the sky cam.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from the top Ariel-view angle]

What a feeling

Cue dancers!

[four white dancers join Elizabeth Banks on the stage]

please believe it.

More diverse dancers.

[two black dancers join them]

I can have it all
now I’m dancing for my love
take a pressure

Star wipe!

make it happen

More star wipes!

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

Cue, the treadmill.

[Elizabeth Banks walks on the treadmill on the stage.]

Now, I feel the music

Green screen.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking on the clouds.]

close my eyes, I am rhythm

Downtown.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking in a downtown street.]

in a flash, it takes whole of my heart
like this big octopus.

[The screen shows an octopus behind Elizabeth Banks]

What a feeling
please believe it

I’m gonna cross, follow me camera.

[Elizabeth Banks runs to the middle of the stage]

I can have it all now
I’m dancing for my love

Count in, we have a big finish.

[Cecily, Bobby, Taran and Sasheer come in and dance]

Take your passion

Not Bobby. Lose Bobby.

[Bobby leaves the stage]

make it happen

Sasheer’s got a GoPro.

[Cut to shot from Sasheer’s GoPro. Elizabeth Banks is looking at the camera as the camera is moving.]

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

[Center up]

For the feeling!

[The song ends. Taran, Cecily, Elizabeth Banks and Sasheer do the ending pose. Bobby runs in and does the ending pose too.]

[cheers and applause]

Okay! I got it out of my system. We’ve got a great show. Disclosure is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle is Trump Supporter

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.

[Drunk uncle slides in]

Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!

Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.

Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.

Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Colin Jost: They don’t what?

Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.

[singing] This is how we do it.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?

Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?

Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.

Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?

Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there!

[Cut to Michael Che looking confused]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?

[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin]

[Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.]

[Cut to Drunk uncle]

Drunk uncle: You were saying?

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.

Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

[singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words]

[Drunk uncle starts sobbing]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!

Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.

Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–

Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.

Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.

Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of industrial smoke and China’s flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new data, China is burning 17% more coal than their government had previously stated. And don’t try to say it was a mistake, China. Coz we know you did the math right.

[Picture changes to baseball players celebrating the win. It reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

This week Colin Jost spent three days in his dressing room crying like a bitch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of baseball players celebrating the win that reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

Colin Jost: Then I found out the Mets lost.

[Picture changes to Ali Khamenei]

Iran supreme leader Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant ‘Death to America’ saying that it does not mean death to America, but instead refers to America’s policies. You know, sort how like the people outside are chanting ‘Dump Trump’ but they really just mean, “What are his ideas on healthcare?”

[Picture changes to a map picture of California and condoms]

California is considering a new law that would fine actors in pornographic movies up to $70,000 if they don’t wear condoms. Said the porn industry, [porn music playing] “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to us if we don’t have the money?”

[Cut to Michael Che. He is looking Colin Jost with shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s book ‘Crippled America’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why do you still think porn has music in it? [Colin Jost laughing] This week, Donald Trump released his new book ‘Crippled America: How to make America great again’. And while some are taking offence at the use of the word ‘Crippled’, I’m more concerned about his used of the word ‘Again’. Like, what years are you talking about specifically, dude? Whenever a rich old white guy start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, all those years of progress, Trump’s gonna really go with, “Nah, I think we had it right the first time.”

[Picture changes to Taco Bell logo]

A Taco Bell executive has been fired after a video was posted of him assaulting an Uber driver. I cannot believe Taco Bell has executives. I thought all their decisions were made by wheel of nonsense words.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

In an attempt to re-vitalize his campaign, Jeb Bush launched a new slogan, ‘Jeb can fix it’. Which is true if the problem being fixed is a treat to another Bush presidency. Jeb has released a new book of emails that he sent to voters while he was a governor of Florida that he is calling ‘Reply All’ and voters are calling ‘Unsubscribe’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and democrat logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Obama criticized republican presidential candidates for complaining about the recent debates saying that if they can’t handle CNBC moderators, they won’t be able to handle Putin and the Chinese. And if you can’t handle Putin and the Chinese, you’re only gonna get two terms as president.

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

While Ben Carson had a real interest in week. First, he said that the Egyptian pyramids were actually built by the biblical Joseph to store grain. Sure, makes sense. Then he had a defense stories about his violent past after CNN couldn’t find anyone to verify them, which is always great when you’re running for president and you have to say, “No, guys. I swear. I really did stab my friend.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yes. Ben Carson, what is going on with you? You are the first black man in American history to turn down an alibi. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson] That would be like if OJ said, “Hey, give me that gun back again, man! I think I can make it fit. Let me try my stabbing hand.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then last night, Dr. Carson lashed out of the media for digging into his past saying, “What’s next? They’re gonna find my kindergarten teacher who said I peed in my pants?” But at this point, Dr. Carson, I think we’re more worried it will turn out you didn’t graduate kindergarten, or you claim to pee your friend’s pants. And then they find your friend and he’s like, “I never had pants.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And now, Ben Carson is complaining that no one ever vetted President Obama like this. Are you serious, dude? Even after Obama was elected president twice, they still made him show ID just to get into the White House.

[Picture changes to a birth certificate]

[whispering] And I’m talking about the guy who is hosting this show.

[Picture changes to ‘Trump Michael Che0Colin Jost6 sign.]

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.

Trump’s Tweets

Donald Trump

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Donald Trump sitting on a couch]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not going to be on the next sketch. It was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn’t want to rehearse. You know what? It’s still going to going to be great. And since I can’t do it and be in it, I’ll do the next best thing, I’ll live tweet it. Sit back, relax, enjoy the sketch and enjoy my tweets.

[Cut to Cecily and Taran at a restaurant]

Taran: Ah! I have got to say there is nothing more romantic than celebrating our honeymoon here in Italy.

Cecily: Aw, I’m so sad this is our last night in Rome.

Taran: I know. Tomorrow, it’s back to Cleveland.

Donald Trump’s tweet: This sketch is not funn. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Cecily: Ha-ha. I’m so excited for dinner. You know, the guide book says this is the most romantic restaurant in the city.

Taran: Ooh!

Cecily: Yeah.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Cecily Strong is not a nice person.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Taran: Ah! Well, the menu says that the place is family run and the couple who owns it has been married for fourty years.

Cecily: Aw, that’s so sweet. I think that will be us one day.

Taran: Oh, it better be.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Yeah right. Who would marry @TaranKillam? He’s an over-rated clown.

[audience laughing]

Taran: Why are people laughing?

Cecily: Is he tweeting bad stuffs about us?

Taran: I don’t know. I can’t see.

Cecily: Okay.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Welcome to Amore, the most romantic restaurant in all of italy.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Kate McKinnon was born stupid.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Okay. So, I am Carmela. And back in the kitchen is my husband Javani. We are in a middle of a huge fight but don’t worry, it won’t affect your meal tonight. Now, let me tell you about the special. First up we have the ‘my husband is stupid’ spaghetti.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Not funny.

Kate: [In Italian accent] We also have ‘I can’t stand my husband’ cavatelli.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon. ‘I’m a low-class slob.’

Kate: What’s it? What is he saying?

Taran: I don’t know.

Kate: [In Italian accent] And finally for dessert, we have ice-cream-you-scream-we-all-scream-at-my-husband.

Donald Trump’s tweet: I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.

Kate: Is he ripping us apart?

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. He definitely is.

Taran: I don’t know why. He has been nice all week. [Cut to Taran] I mean I know he likes me .

Donald Trump’s tweet: Oh great, more screen time for super dud @TaranKillam.

Taran: Well, Carmela, I think we are ready to order.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Oh, great! But before you do, my husband Javani has some corrections to the menu.

[Kenan walks in looking very concerned]

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Hi. I am Jevani.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Who’s this nobody?

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Tonight, I am out of steak. I’m out of emotions. I am out of a patience with my wife Carmela

Donald Trump’s tweet: An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson’s birth certificate is a fraud.

Kenan: What? What do you think he just tweeted?

Donald Trump’s tweet: Sorry folks, but add a “y” to “Kenan” and you get “Kenyan.”

[audience laughing hard]

Kenan: Probably something with like, Kenan and Kenyan right?

Kate: I know.

Cecily: I mean yeah.

Taran: That’s exactly what it is.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Anyway. Please don’t let my husband ruin the mood. Your night should be romantic. That’s why our grandson little Luca is now gonna sing a song for you.

[Cut to Vanessa dressed as a little boy.]

Vanessa: I don’t wanna be in this sketch anymore.

[Cut to Kate and Kenan]

Kenan: Vanessa, you have to. This is live.

[Cut to Vanessa]

[music playing]

Vanessa: [singing] When you have too much wine
so you scream all the time

that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is an average talent and a total loser.

Vanessa: What’s he saying? Is it about my teeth? [yelling] These aren’t my real teeth.

[singing] When my nana throws plates at my no-nose dump face that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.

Vanessa: Cut away! Cut away from me.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily, Kate and Kenan]

Taran: Vanessa. You can’t do that.

Kate: No.

[Leslie walks in with Vanessa]

Leslie: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m sorry y’all. I’m sorry to interrupt this sketch. [laughing] Sorry Lorne. But you guys, y’all have to see what Donald Trump is tweeting about y’all. He hates you Taran. He hates you.

Taran: Me? Why?

Donald Trump’s tweet: I have tremendous respect for Leslie Jones. She’s a winner.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] Hah! He just tweeted about me. He hates y’all but he likes me. I love you too, Donald.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Thanks Leslie. AndI love the blacks.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] What?

[Leslie rages towards the camera]

What you! You is a mons–

[Video shuts down]

[The End]

Toots Interrupt Donald Trump’s Announcement

Donald Trump

Toots… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a BTS member and Donald trump in front of SNL stage screen]

BTS member: Okay, Mr. Trump. Here’s a look at the music end show from the last time you hosted.

[The video plays]

Donald Trump in the video: Ladies and gentlemen, Toots and the Maytals.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Toots and the Maytals, they were the musical guests.

[Toots walks in wearing coat that’s red, green and yellow color.]

Toots: Ay, did somebody say Toots?

Donald Trump: Sorry?

Toots: Toots, man! It’s me. It is me. Ay, man, I haven’t seen you in ages, Donald. Where did you go after the show last time? I was trying to find you for the after party, but I was following you in your limo on my moped and you must have lost me at a traffic later somewhere, man.

Donald Trump: I didn’t realize that. I didn’t realize.

Toots: No, no. It’s cool, man. It’s cool. Man, I can’t believe that was 13 years ago.

Donald Trump: Actually, it was 11.

Toots: Well, you say 11, I say thirteen113. So anyway, let me just catch you up with what I’ve been up to since then.

Donald Trump: Listen Toots, I’m in the middle of introducing Sia.

Toots: Well, things have been good. Yeah, family, good. Wife is good. Yeah, let me show you some pictures. Oh, you know what? While I have my phone out, what’s your number again? You know, I switched from Sprint to Cocotel and I lost all my contacts.

Donald Trump: I don’t give out my number to anybody.

Toots: Well, you did it for Lindsey Graham. Hah! Just kidding man! I’m just Toots-ing your horn. Okay. Anyhow, I notice you haven’t chosen a vice president yet. You know, I was sitting on the beach eating some deep fried parrot and I started thinking, “Maybe Toots?”

Donald Trump: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Toots: Coz musical guest is kind of like the vice president of the show. So in way, I’ve already done it. I even wrote a campaign song.

[music playing]

[His band musician appears beside him]

[singing] Trump Toots, Trump Toots
Let’s Trump together and Trump some Toots

It’s pretty good, isn’t it?

Donald Trump: You know I carry a gun, don’t you?

Toots: I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be seeing you later.

[Toots and his musician leaves]

[The End]

Star Track Production

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Mr. Crocker… Beck Bennett

Daughter… Aidy Bryant

Skacy Steve… Donald Trump

[Starts with a family dinner]

Vanessa: And I said, “That’s enough, sir.”

[Everyone laughing]

Pete: Well, it smells really good Mr. Crocker.

Mr. Crocker: That’s very sweet of you, but I know for fact it smells terrible.

Pete: Yeah, it does. It stinks.

Mr. Crocker: I know. But trust me, it will taste great. Old family recipe. Plus, you’re dating my daughter, so you’ll have to eat it.

[Everybody laughing]

Aidy: Dad!

Mr. Crocker: Sorry, I’m not going to embarrass you sweetheart. I’m not one of [gesturing to quote using his two fingers] “Those dads”. Let’s just listen to a little music [Mr. Crocker turns on the music] and enjoy a great meal.

[‘See you again’ by Wiz Khalifa starts playing]

Pete: Oh, I love this song.

Mr. Crocker: It’s great, isn’t it?

[Cut to Vanessa and Mr. Crocker smiling at each other]

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

[the music playing is a ‘See you again’ instrumental with Mr. Crocker’s voice recorded singing on it]

Aidy: Dad!

Mr. Crocker: Yes honey?

Aidy: Is that you singing?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Why? Do you like it?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: I- I mean, I guess I’m just surprised.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: [yelling] If it sucks then I’ll turn it off then!

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Honey.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Does it?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Suck!

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: No.

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Do you think it sucks, Dani?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Do you think it is good, Dani?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I mean..

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Okay, it sucks. I’m turning it off. Let’s eat. How’s the chicken?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: It’s fine.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: It sucks. I know it does. I left it out on the counter for too many days.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay. So, I saw the most amazing thing on the subway the other day. There were these two guys–

[Mr. Crocker plays another music with him singing in it]

[Vanessa stops speaking because she is annoyed]

[Cut to Aidy, Pete and Mr. Crocker. Mr. Crocker is nodding his head looking at Pete.]

[Mr. Crocker has also used auto-tune in the recording]

Mr. Crocker: It sucks, does’t it?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Honey, calm down.

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: Did you use auto-tune?

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: I had to in some parts. Yeah. You know what? I’ll just change it to a song I don’t sing.

[Mr. Crocker changes the song]

There. Now everybody’s happy. You know, some of the chicken is actually not that bad.

[the music still has Mr. Crocker singing on it]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: That’s you singing Dave.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: No, it’s Adam Levine from Maroon 5. So Dani, what do you parents do? Are they in music industry?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Pete: Um, no. They’re real estate agents.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Good. Because I’m not exactly happy with the people in the music industry right now. Yeah, I think I’m getting ripped off by Skacy Steve over a Star Tracks.

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: Who is Skacy Steve?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: He’s a big producer over at Star Tracks. He cornered me in the dressing room at a men’s warehouse and he told me I had a beautiful voice and I was an absolute star. Now, I’m paying a $1000 a day for studio time and I’m on call 24/7. He can call me in any time of the day to record a new track.

[Cut to Vanessa sipping some wine]

Vanessa: That’s insane.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker. His pager is beeping.]

Mr. Crocker: [looks at the phone] Dammit! It’s Skacy Steve!

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: When did you get a pager?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Skacy Steve gave it to me. I need to go and drop another verse.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Can’t you wait until you’re done with dinner?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Fine, but I gotta eat real fast.

[Mr. Crocker starts eating wildly]

[Cut to everybody. The doorbell rings.]

Vanessa: I wonder who that is.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Oh, no! It’s Skacy Steve.

Skacy Steve: Come on, out of my way.

[Cut to everybody. Skacy Steve walks in to the dining hall.]

Hey, I’ve got a new track for you.

Mr. Crocker: I’m having dinner with my family, Skacy.

Skacy Steve: Listen to this, Dave. This is right to your key.

[Mr. Crocker starts recording then and there in a small instrument that Skacy Steve brought in.]

Mr. Crocker: [singing] I don’t like it, I love it, love it, love it

Skacy Steve: Straight to the top of the charts, Dave. You’re gonna be a massive star.

[Skacy Steve pats Pete]

How are you doing, son? Skacy Steve. [shaking hands with Pete] Big, big producer at Star Track. Have you ever thought about a career that in the recording industry?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Skacy Steve]

Skacy Steve: Oh, my god. The voice of an angel. You’re gonna be a massive star baby.

[Cut to Skacy Steve smiling looking at the camera. His teeh twinkles.]

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Changing Gender Roles

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study says that 40% of American households have a woman as the primary breadwinner, suggesting that traditional gender roles may be changing. Here with her thought on the subject is our own, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo!

[cheers and applause]

Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, Leslie. Now, do you think that gender roles are changing?

Leslie Jones: Hell, yeah, you tall glass of egg-whites.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Gender roles are changing. Especially men, because y’all man-bitches now. You know those little hair-less boys crammed into skinny jeans texting about their feelings with emojis? Emojis! I don’t want no damn smiley face or no thumbs up, and no man should ever be sending me the word “Yay”. Not even if you on a roller-coaster. This one dude that I was sexed in with, he sent me that little eggplant. And I was like, “That’s racist.” But then my friend told me that eggplant was supposed to be a penis. And I was like, “What penises are you looking at?” Don’t send me vegetables. Send me some real.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay now, so Leslie, you want guys to send you pictures of their junk?

Leslie Jones: You’re damn right I do, you tingly white crisp-strip thing. I just want to have you in all night.

Colin Jost: Oh! Well, right back at you, you delicious chocolate–

Leslie Jones: No, stop!

Colin Jost: No? Okay.

Leslie Jones: It only work when I do it.

Colin Jost: I get that.

Leslie Jones: When I do it, it roll.

Colin Jost: I apologize.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Listen man-bitches. Don’t send me in any pictures of that shaved junk either. I want it to be a mess down there. Not that smooth polished junk like you don’t wanna get a scratch on coz I’m going to scratch it up. I even went to Italy and they was just man-bitches with accents, Colin. I mean, there was this one little dude who started kissing me, but then his drunk friend started puking everywhere. So, my little pies on had to take him home. And that’s what a man-bitch does. You know what I’m saying? Coz a real man leaves his sick friend on the couch and takes me upstairs and put his gladiator into my Colosseum.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: Are you entertained?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was about gender roles.

[The End]