Category: 2015

Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling]

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Presidential Ad

Becky… Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Ronald McDonald McTrump… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

[Starts with ‘Trump 2016’ banner on the screen]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement for Donald Trump for president.

[Cut to Becky wearing a black and red dress]

Becky: Liberty.

[Cut to Cecily wearing the same dress]

Cecily: Patriosm.

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Peg-oligance.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Free-some.

[Cut to Becky and Cecily. They both take few steps forward.]

[Becky and Cecily talk at the same time but they say different things like they have not prepared the script.]

Both: Donald Tramp.

[The banner at the bottom of the screen clearly has ‘Donald Trump’ written on it]

Cecily: Agolar shriety of the perfect presiment.

Becky: You feel like you’re getting a Yankee doodle handy.

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Becky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Becky.

Cecily: And I’m alive again.

Becky: And we’re not porn stars anymore but that doesn’t mean we don’t know a perfect presiment when he steps into the oral office.

[Ronald walks in with a red clown wig]

Ronald: [speaking like Donald Trump] Did somebody say it’s huge?

Becky and Cecily: Not yet.

Becky: Please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out]

Becky: Other candidates are just the sleepy doctor and Carly Marinara.

[Cecily covers her eyes with her palm]

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: Marco.

Becky: Rubo.

Cecily: But Donald Tramp is a billionairest.

Becky: And when it comes to Russia, he’ll stand up to Put-it-in.

Cecily: No, it’s Putin. Remember? Coz we dated him.

Becky: Oh, right. Yeah, okay.

Cecily: You’ll feel as noble as a ball-gagged eagle.

Becky: Or like you’re signing the dongleration of in-the-pants-ness. (trying to say independence)

Cecily: Or singing the star strangled boner.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say it’s huge?

Cecily: Don’t!

Becky: Not yet, please get out.

Ronald: Okay.

[Ronald walks out again]

Both: With Donald Tramp.

Cecily: One time, I thought I got banged back to 1776. But I was just banged by 1776 guys dressed as pilgrims. I vote no on that, but yes for Trump.

Becky: One time I thought I banged Teddy Roosevelt but it was just Teddy Ruxpin. Sorry kid’s birthday.

Cecily: I thought I had the right to bear arms but I was just banging a bear with my right arm. [showing her left arm]

Becky: I guess it’s true what Smogy says, “Only you can put your whole arm in.” Oh, hey. Remember the apprentice?

Both: You’re fire. You’re fire.

[Ronald walks in again]

Ronald: Did someone say huge?

Becky: Okay.

Cecily: You can go now.

Ronald: Thank you. HI, I’m Ronald McDonald McTrump. I specialize in clown themed political pornos, such as “Wag the Dong”, “Fist/Nixon”, “All the president’s men, plus a horse”, Lee Daniel’s “In the buttler”, and “Milk”. But you know who’s not clowning around with the presidency? It’s Donald Trump.

Becky: Hey, hey, hey, don’t boost for us. We’re trying to do this ad for Donald Tramp so he let’s us live in his hotels.

Cecily: Yeah, maybe visit the White House. I haven’t been there since the 90s.

Becky: Oh, yeah.

[audience clapping and laughing]

Oh, yeah. I hit my head on the desk.

Cecily: Yeah.

Ronald: So, next December 25th, vote for Donald Trump for Santa Claus. And to my clown college professor who said, “You might as well be doing pornos”, I’m suddenly realizing you were being sarcastic.

[Ronald moves to the side]

Becky and Cecily: With Donald Tramp.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Oh! I’m Donald Trump and I in no way, shape or form approve of this message. Didn’t you used to be a brunette?

Becky, Cecily and Ronald: Yeah.

Donald Trump: That’s what I thought.

[Cut to Trump 2016 banner]

[The End]

Donald Trump monologue

Donald Trump

Aidy Bryant

Taran Killam

Darrell Hammond

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here. I will tell you, this is going to be something special. Many of the greats have hosted, as you know, this show. Like me, in 2004. A lot of people are saying, “Donald, you’re the most amazing guy. You’re brilliant, you’re handsome, you’re rich, you have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So, why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? Why?” And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do. People think I’m controversial. But the truth is, I’m a nice guy. I don’t hold grudges against anybody, like, Rosie O’Donnell. She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate. The fact is when I showed up for rehearsal, Rosie was here to support me. Come on out, Rosie.

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sir, as I have told you several times, my name is Aidy Bryant and I’m a cast member on this show.

Donald Trump: Oh, boy. Isn’t she great?

[Aidy Bryant leaves]

She just seems like a really totally different person. Part of the reason I am here is that I know how to take a joke. They’ve done so much to ridicule me over the years, this show has been a disaster for me. Look at this guy.

[Taran Killam walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]

Taran Killam: Great, great, great, great. Isn’t he doing fantastic? I gotta say that you’re doing a great job. In fact I think this show just got better by 2 billion percent. In fact, they just told me, other Donald, they just told me this very interesting. That now that I am here, this is actually the best monologue in SNL history. Can you believe that? Pretty great.

Donald Trump: Yeah. That’s pretty good. That’s pretty good. A-ya-ya. Look at this.

[Darrell Hammond walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]

[cheers and applause]

Darrell Hammond: You think you’re this terrific person. You think you’re this, you think you’re that. Pop-pop-pop-pop. You’ve been very naive and quiet frankly, you’re fired!

Donald Trump: No. They’re great. They don’t have my talent, my money or specially my good looks. But you know what? They’re not bad. And we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Male voice: You’re racist!

Donald Trump: Who the hell is– Oh, yeah. I knew this was gonna happen. Who is that?

[Cut to Larry David dressed like Bernie Sanders at the back stage]

Larry David: Trump’s a racist.

[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]

Donald Trump: It’s Larry David. What are you doing Larry?

[Cut to Larry David]

Larry David: I heard if I yelled that they’ll give me $5,000. I have to do it.

[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]

Donald Trump: As a business man, I can fully respect that. That’s okay. We have got a great show tonight. Sia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro]

[Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.]

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]

Band with Laser Harp

Kenan Thompson

Tommy T. Vilaris… Beck Bennett

Tanya Grapes… Aidy Bryant

Joe Hobs… Jay Pharoah

Shina Ray… Cecily Strong

Blade… Kate McKinnon

Jean Breads… Donald Trump

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a band playing in a bar]

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: Are we there yet?

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: I bet he feels just like me

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Lake George. Wow, what a great crowd tonight. So, let’s meet the band. On the bass guitar, it’s Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: On the keyboards, give it up for miss Tanya Grapes.

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: He’s our drummer and our band’s resting hound, Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. And over here, singing back up vocals and light dancing, Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Alright. And where would we be without our very own, Jean Breads on laser harp.

[Cut to Jean on laser harp. He just plays two keys and looks at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan disappointed.]

Kenan: Is that it? Is that your whole solo?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I guess it has to be.

[Cut to Tommy]

Tommy: What do you mean? What’s wrong, Jean Breads?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, nothing. It’s just every night, everyone’s solos get longer and longer, by the time I get there nobody is even listening.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Blade: Jean, we’re doing the same thing we always do. We always– we go…

[Shina and Blade start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Now, Shina Ray, Blade, let him finish his thought.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m only playing the most fantastic instrument ever made. It’s lasers!

[Cut to Tanya]

Tanya: Well then, play them Jean Breads.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, easy Tanya. We are in front of an audience.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Shina: That’s right guys. There are eight people here that wanna kill our show.

[Cut to the eight people in the audience]

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Whoop! Sorry, there’s nine now. Sorry, I just got here.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, well great. Would you like us to re-introduce ourselves?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah. I would love that. Just so I know who’s on what instrument. Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. Real fast so that there’s plenty of time for Jean at the end. Let’s go. Tanya Grapes!

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Jean. He is dancing.]

Jean: Here we go. It’s my moment.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hang on a second. I almost forgot, I sometimes play the sax.

[Kenan starts playing sax solo]

[Cut to Jean getting disappointed]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: And Jean Breads–

Jean: I quit.

Kenan: –on the laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Let me just tell ya’. I quit.

[Cut to the band]

All: No.

Joe: Don’t be like that, Jean.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I joined this band to be a part of a team.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: But you are, Jean Breads. You are a part of this.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I’m not if you don’t give me a chance to shine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You’re right. Please take all the time you need. Play your laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Great! I’m about to rock this place down.

[Jean starts playing his laser harp and dancing]

[Tommy comes in]

Tommy: Oh, he’s doing it. Look at the audience.

[Tommy leaves]

[Cut to the bar. There is no audience.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Wow!

Joe: I guess they’re leaving to tell their friends. Hit it guys!

[The End]\

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue]

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

Where Jackie Chan At Right Now

Tracy Morgan

Kenan Thompson

Chris Tucker… Kenan Thompson

Chuck Norris… Kyle Mooney

Steven Seagal… Bobby Moynihan

Owen Wilson… Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Osama Bin Laden… Pete Davidson

[Starts with “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?”

[Morgan and Kenan are sitting on a sofa at their set]

Morgan: Alright, welcome to ‘Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?’

Kenan: As always, we asking the question. Where Jackie Chan at right now?

Morgan: I wanna know where he at.

Kenan: I wanna know where he at and what he doing right now.

Morgan: Where is he? Where is Jackie Chan? And just don’t tell us he’s in Asia.

Kenan: Yeah! Jackie Chan was in movies as well as karate. And nobody knows where he is.

Morgan: Where the heck are you, Jackie Chan? Don’t do this to us.

Kenan: Okay, the phone lines are open.

Morgan: Caller one, where Jackie Chan at?

Rebecca S.: Is he in Asia?

Morgan: I just said don’t tell me that.

Kenan: We checked with Asia. He’s not there. Next caller. Where is Jackie Chan?

Grace S.: Maybe he has lost all his money and he’s living in the woods.

Morgan: Wrong. I called him. He’s worth $48 trillion. This call is over. Case dismissed.

Kenan: Okay, caller three, where is Jackie Chan?

Theo S.: Um, are you sure he’s still alive?

Morgan: You fat dummy. Jackie Chan is 26. You think he’s dead? He’ll come over there and karate-chop you on your face.

Kenan: You are banned from this show. Okay, it’s time to meed our guest. Chris Tucker, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Yo! You wanna know where Jackie Chan at? You wanna know where he at? I tell you where Jackie Chan at. I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know. Man, I don’t know, man!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Chris Tucker: Well, then why you come on our show?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Taxes.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: People need to respect this show. Next guest.

Kenan: Chuck Norris. Where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Chuck Norris in his fighting stance.]

Chuck Norris: I don’t know.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Steven Seagal, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Steven Seagal]

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t tell ya’.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Owen Wilson, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Owen Wilson]

Owen Wilson: I don’t know man, it’s weird.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Lady from Karma, San Diego, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Sorry, gum shoes.

[Sasheer looks through a magnifying glass]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Young Osama Bin Laden, you know where Jackie Chan is?

[Cut to Osama Bin Laden with his skate board]

Osama Bin Laden: No, bro!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Leslie Jones, you see Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I saw him on East 85th street.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: What? When?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: 1997.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Did you have any sense of where he was headed next?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Downtown?

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Okay, write that down.

[Kenan brings up a big notebook to write that down.]

Kenan: Okay, so far, we know that Jackie Chan was in Rush Hour, Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2.

Morgan: We know that he was born in Asia but didn’t necessarily stay there.

Kenan: And we know that he is somewhere between 4 and 7 feet tall.

Morgan: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick 45 minute break.

Kenan: When we return, we’re gonna check our trap to see if we caught a Jackie Chan.

[Cut to the trap. It’s made out of a box and a wood. The bait is ninechucks.]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: The search continues.

[The End]

 

Weekend Update Willie on Halloween

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Woodrow… Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.

Michael Che: You mean feet?

Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?

Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.

Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I meant I’m not dressing up at all, Willie. I don’t even like Halloween.

Willie: But aren’t you excited about all the delicious Halloween candies, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Um-um. I can taste them now. Necco wafers, raisins, duck salt’s packets, rubber bands.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s not even candy, dude!

Willie: You know, every Halloween, my daddy would bring me to his favorite pumpkin patch up state. And he’d pick out the biggest, roundest pumpkin there. [Cut to Willie] We’d take it home, wash it. He’d carve a cute little face on to it, dress it up in a cute little wig and a cute little costume, turn it around, carve out a cute little hole in the back…

Michael Che: Oh, come on!

Willie: And then send of off to bed early.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “Your daddy’s drilling those pumpkins Willie. It ain’t natural.”

Michael Che: Dude! These are like, horrible memories.

Willie: Oh, well, you know what I love the most? Haunted houses. [Cut to Willie] Every block has a spooky old place. And in my old neighborhood, it belonged to old man Jeff Dahmer. Boys were always running out of there terrified. And my job was to push them back in.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You worked there, Willie?

Willie: Well, it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world. But work is work. [Cut to Willie] Plus, I always got a free home cooked meal.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

But you know who loved Halloween? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] He was always trying to scare me with his spooky prank whether he be hanging from the door by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the coat rack by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the ceiling fan by his lease licking himself…

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, I get it man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “That’s learned behavior, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, how are you able to stay this positive, despite going through all these horrible things?

Willie: Well, Michael, I’m looking up to have a help of the most accomplished and accredited life coach in the world.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. It costs me every dime I have but it’s worth every cent. Come on out here Woodrow .

[Woodrow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Woodrow: [speaking on the phone] I’ll call you back, Opra. I’m with the client.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie, this guys is not a life coach.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: Yes, I am. I have my degree right here.

[Woodrow puts a deodorant on the table]

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: That’s just deodorant, man!

Willie: Well, now, Michael, let’s be respectful.

Michael Che: I’m just saying.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: No, Willie, he is right. I’m not a big shot life coach and that wasn’t really Opra on the phone. I guess I made it up so you would like me. I’m just a big fat phony.

Willie: Oh! Woodrow, you’re not a phony. You saved my life.

[Woodrow looks at Willie]

Woodrow: Really?

Willie: Yeah. Reminds me of that song that you taught me.

[music playing]

[singing] Little TV sets
going off inside my ears

Woodrow: Spacemen floating by
firecracker here

Willie and Woodrow: Chased the demons lightly
music hits your eye
up and down the sidewalk
take a doo-doo pie
I love you.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie and Woodrow, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Tina Fey on Playboy

Colin Jost

Tina Fey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now, losing nude photos from Playboy is quite a cultural shift for America. Here to comment on that cultural shift, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey]

Tina Fey: Yes, Playboy magazine has announced that they will stop publishing naked photos early next year. Dashing the dreams of many beautiful young women who had hoped to one day move to Los Angeles and then just by changing every single aspect of her appearance, maybe become Miss February, and then work her way up the company ladder until one day she gets invited to have an early bird fake five way with 100 year old sex monster.

But you know what really killed Playboy, Colin? The internet. The internet cut out the middleman. We don’t need an old man anymore to choose which one of us gets to sell picture of our boobs. We can all sell our boobs now. It’s the sharing economy. Okay? It’s Airbnb for crotch shots. I have my own for profit porn site. You ever hear of um, Overstock.com?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Tina Fey]

Colin Jost: Yep. Heard of that.

Tina Fey: Well, that name was taken. [Cut to Tina Fey] So, mine is called www.milf.org. Moms I like to be friends with, and it’s .org Colin coz it’s for your org.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing.]

Now, my porn website [Cut to Tina Fey] is all arm butts. Check this out. [Camera zooms to Tina Fey’s closed elbow]

Yeah, you like that? Give me your credit card number. Get in there, Colin. Get in there.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost puts his finger there]

It’s not gonna hurt.

Colin Jost: I don’t think this is right.

Tina Fey: This is our future, Colin. This is our economic independence. [Cut to Tina Fey] Girls need to learn coding and arm butts. Which isn’t to say that I’m not sentimental about the end of Playboy’s center folds. There’s always a certain amount of nostalgia when you come to the end of an era. And for me personally, it means that my dream of posing for Playboy will never come true. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl. I’ve dreamed of doing all the poses. I was gonna do this one.

[Tina Fey puts one hand on her breast and finger of another hand in her mouth.]

[Tina Fey climbs on the table and poses]

I was gonna do this one in just a half Eagle’s jersey in tube socks.

[Tina Fey raises her one leg and poses]

And I was gonna do this one in a Bella Hay.

Colin Jost:  I don’t know if I know where to look.

Tina Fey:  I think you do, Colin. We gotta get going though coz last time I did this long, a baby came out.

Colin Jost: Tina Fey, everyone!

[Tina Fey gets off the table and runs towards the audience]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid an a handgun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A two year old in South Carilona found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother in the back. Like a coward! Which by the way, this would have never happened if the grandmother also had a gun. Perfect logic.

[Picture changes to space]

Astronomers have discovered a mysterious object orbiting a distant star and speculate that it may be a massive alien super structure. So, that’s it, folks. We’re all dead. We had a good run, didn’t we Jost?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’re not gonna tell a joke?

Michael Che: Ain’t no joke man. The aliens are coming. And when they do, one of two things are gonna happen. Either they’re gonna eat us, or they’re gonna have sex with us. That’s the only reason people travel. It’s just true. Anytime my friends come back from vacation, they tell me two things. What they ate and who they had sex with. And I’m scared. I’m scared that soon earth is gonna be alien Thailand. Where strange alien businessmen make us do weird tricks with pingpong balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

I don’t got the hips for that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Alien businessmen? What are you talking about?

Michael Che: Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m– Listen, I live in a all white neighborhood, okay? I do. And every time I look out of my window, I see white people jogging, all of them. And I’m like, “What are these white people training for?” Now, I know. Y’all trying to leave us.

Colin Jost: I man, yeah. But…