Category: 2015

Should You Chime In On This?

Allen DeGeneres… Kenan Thompson

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Ned… Matthew McConaughey

Tristen… Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with GSN video bumper]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Thank you so, so, so much.

[Cut to the game show stage]

Announcer: And now it’s time for unnecessary new game show. Should You Chime In On This? And here’s your host, Allen DeGeneres.

[Allen DeGeneres walks in]

Allen DeGeneres: Yes. I am Allen DeGeneres. I got this job by accident. Now let’s do this. The game is simple. We bring out three idiots and give them hot button issues and ask them, Should You Chime In On This? The answer should always be ‘No’. Okay, let’s meet the idiots.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Hi. I am Connie. I used to volunteer at a quilt shop. And then I stopped after they said it wasn’t helpful to have me there. I’ve never traveled and I don’t watch the news but ISIS needs to be stopped and I know how.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Hi. I’m Ned Ferbach. And I want to be heard. So, I brought 20 of my own microphones. For fun, I like to travel town to town and vote ‘No’ on school budgets.

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: I’m Tristen. I go to NYU. And I may be white but I’m proud to say I have a friend that’s one of each, except Asian. As for work, I’d like to call myself a political activist but I can’t because I’m a waiter.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres looking speechless]

Allen DeGeneres: You see? Idiots! Okay, Connie, you are first. Your issue is the Syrian refugee crisis.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Okay. Perfect.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Do you know anything about it?

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Ha- I do not.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Have you read anything about it?

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: I have not and I barely can read.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: And when did you first learn that Syria was a country?\

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Just this morning.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Okay, great! So with that in mind, here is your question about this very complicated crisis. Should you, Connie, chime in on this?

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Yes, I absolutely should. Now, what they need to do is–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No! No, Connie! You are not equipped in here. [pointing the brain] Alright Ned, you’re up. [Cut to Ned] Your issue is that Charlie Sheen has HIV. Should you chime in on this?

Ned: Hmm… This is tough.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No, it’s not.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Well, on the other hand, that is a personal, private health matter for someone that I do not personally know. But on the other hand, I have a mouth that can talk. So yes, I should chime on this. HIV was invented–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No. Ned, no!

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: Hey, Tristen here. I’d like to say that I get this game and I’m ready to just answer no.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, my god! Finally. Well Tristen, your issue is women’s reproductive rights. Should you chime in on this?

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: No. [looks around proudly]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, okay!

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: And the reason I said no coz we as a society need to spend more time listening and less time talking.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, Tristen, no! That was a sneak attack chime. That’s the worst chime of all. Alright, it’s time for the photo round. This is a woman breastfeeding in a coffee shop. [A woman breastfeeding her baby appears on the screen] Connie, should you chime in on this? Hint, the answer is no.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Hmm, let me think. Do I know this woman?

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Does this affect me in any way?

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: But am I near my computer?

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Yes.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Then yes, I chime in. The bare nipple has no place in a–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, shut up, Connie! What gives you the confidence to keep chiming in?

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Well Allen, for me it’s my long brown braid. [pulling his long braid forward] Coz if you have one of these, you’ve got to chime in.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres looking disgusted]

Allen DeGeneres: Ew! I didn’t even see that back there. Well okay Ned, here is your photo. [A picture of a woman holding a football appears on the screen] This 15 year old just became the first girl on her high school’s football team. Should you chime in on this?

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Hmm… I’m not connected to that school in anyway, but I do have this big long braid. So yes, I am going to chime in. Female bones are not–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No. Wrong, Ned! So wrong.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Well, you didn’t let me finish.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, okay. Go ahead.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: In conclusion, all lives matter.

[emergency siren goes off]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: And there it is, the all lives matter siren. Somebody always says it. Well I guess that means we skip to our final round. We’re gonna put some time on the clock and bring out a special guest. And all you have to do is not chime in and you’ll win $100,000. Okay, here’s the special guest.

[Cut to everyone. Hillary Clinton walks in.]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Allen DeGeneres: Okay, let’s put one second on the clock! Don’t talk for one second. And go!

[Cut to the contestants. They all make hate comments on Hillary Clinton.]

[Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres and Hillary Clinton]

Allen DeGeneres: They couldn’t even do it for a second. Well this has been Should You Chime In On This. I am Allen DeGeneres saying everybody, shut the hell up.

[The End]

Right Side Of the Bed With Matthew McConaughey

Cory Chisholm… Taran Killam

Gracelynn Chisholm… Cecily Strong

Buster Little… Matthew McConaughey

Sheila Lay… Aidy Bryant

Ed Sheeran… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV ATLANTA video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching WSB/TV ATLANTA. Up next, it’s Right Side Of the Bed.

[Cut to Right Side Of the Bed video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn on a sofa in their set]

Cory: Good great November morning, you guys!

Gracelynn: You’re watching Right Side Of The Bed. I’m Gracelynn Chisholm and I’m here with my husband Cory Chisholm, better known in the Chisholm house as the lip gloss thief.

Cory: Oh! I needed it because I could kiss all over my wife’s beautiful lips.

[Cory jumps on Gracelynn to kiss her]

Gracelynn: Cory! Get off!

Cory: I just can’t help it. Can’t help myself. I just wanna throw you down on pile of leaves and go insane on your body.

Gracelynn: Cory!

Cory: Give me.

Gracelynn: We got a show to do. It’s 9:CoryEd Sheeran am. It’s in the morning. You already looking like a cartoon pork chop.

Cory: Um… you just make me so hot, I can’t focus on my job.

Gracelynn: Okay, enough! It’s our special thanksgiving episode and we have a great guest coming up a little bit later. From Buster’s By You Buffet, it’s chef, hunter and butcher, Buster Little.

[Cut to Buster waving his hand]

Cory: Oh there he is. Oh, my now there he is.

Buster: [mumbling] I got something in my tongue. Excuse me. I say hello there. Buster Little’s here. If you need a turkey killed, cut, cooked, you know who to call. And by call, I mean like this. Coo-coo-cock-cock coo-coo-doo-doo-cock! Yeah!

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Okay, well that was something. We’ll be back with Buster later in the show. And I’m excited to taste that turkey.

Cory: Ah! Me too. I am gonna stuff myself this thanksgiving coz I’ve been so good on my diet.

Gracelynn: Diet? Oh please, Cory! You ate a tray of brownies in your bubble bath last night!

Cory: Dirty liar! If that’s so, how do I keep this body so ady-yady!

Gracelynn: It’s called the Kardashian waist trainer girdle and you wear it everyday.

Cory: [squeaky voice] What? Ah-ah! It’s not a girdle. It is a boydle, y’all! [showing his girdle]

Gracelynn: Okay, alright. If you’re joining us, we got a great show. Up later is Buster Little who’s talking everything turkey.

Cory: Oh, looks like he’s already got his fist in it there.

[Cut to Buster with his hand shoved inside the turkey]

Buster: Ho-ho, yeah! Hey there. Buster Little is here. Don’t you go getting scared y’all. I’m just spreading a little butter around the inside of this turkey. Even then, I’m about to do a puppet show. Check it out.

[Buster raises his hand with the turkey like a puppet]

Hey turkey!

Turkey: Yo, what’s up Buster?

Buster: You got a good joke for our pop you loving?

Turkey: Right, you know I do. What was a turkey for Halloween?

Buster: Well I don’t know. What was it?

Turkey: A goblin.

Buster: Ha-ha! Wait a minute, I don’t get it.

Turkey: Well, what’s not to get?

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Okay, I think this beard may have eaten his brain.

Cory: Um-hmm.

Gracelynn: Either that or he has spent too much time in the backwoods.

Cory: Yeah, well I’ve been trying to spend some time in your backwoods but there’s to much brush blocking the way.

Gracelynn: Cory! Cory Chisholm, what is shooting around the head of yours?

Cory: Hey! I’m just like every other football watching, beer drinking, pizza eating man in America. All I care about is getting some tail.

[Cory trying to kiss Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Oh! Good lord! Let’s check back with our guest please!

Cory: Um-hmm.

Gracelynn: Oh, my gosh! His oven is smoking.

[Cut to Buster still with his hand inside the turkey. He looks drunk now.]

Buster: Hey, I don’t feel so good. My turkey friend here, he don’t feel so good either.

Turkey: Yeah, the room is spinning.

Buster: You alright?

Turkey: No!

[She slams his hand with the turkey on the table]

Buster: A turkey fainted! You better call 911.

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Gracelynn: Oh! You know what? Sheila Lay, did you clean that oven today?

[Cut to Sheila Lay]

Sheila Lay: I sure did. With three cans of Easyoff. That’s more than nine times than what they say to you, so you’re welcome!

[Cut to Cory and Gracelynn]

Cory: Oh my goodness. Sheila Lay.

Gracelynn: That’s why he’s talking so crazy. He’s tripping all over cleaner.

[You can see Buster sneaking in behind the sofa Cory and Gracelynn is sitting on.]

Cory: Anyway…

[Buster scares Cory and Gracelynn, still with a turkey on his hand.]

Buster: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Cory: Oh my god. You just scared a tiny fart right out of me.

[Buster’s turkey now has a mouth, nose, eyebrows, mustache and glasses]

Buster: Look at him. I got my turkey friend all dressed up for church.

Gracelynn: Oh lord! Our next guest is supposed to be Ed Sheeran but I don’t know if it’s safe for himto come out.

[Cut to Ed Sheeran with his guitar]

Ed Sheeran: Uh-uh! It just– It smells like petrol or something.

[singing] Honey I will be loving you

[Ed Sheeran faints because of the smoke]

[Cut to Cory, Gracelynn and Buster]

Cory: Oh my! That poor ginger fell damn so hard!

Gracelynn: We gotta get out of this studio and air it out.

Cory: Yeah, I tell her to air it out every night.

Gracelynn: Cory!

Cory: What? Krrrr!

Buster: Hey, you two a real couple?

Cory: What?

Gracelynn: What?

[The End]

Matthew McConaughey Monologue

Matthew McConaughey

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Matthew McConaughey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here. Welcome to the zoo, we are the monkeys. It has been 14 years since I did this show. And I gotta tell ya, I did not remember how much work it is. Seriously. We’ve been doing 16 hours a day for last six days for just getting ready. Not that we are actually ready coz I promise you we are not. But you know what? I appreciate everything, tonight’s gonna go okay, okay, okay. [Teases his famous phrase “Alright, alright, alright”.] That’s not what you thought I was gonna say, was it?

Alright, well let me tell you the origin story of the phrase you thought I was gonna say. This is title of the right bar at the right time. It’s 1992, I’m in Austin, Texas in college. Not even thinking about being an actor at this point. I go to this bar where I get introduced to this producer. This producer and I started talking and four hours later we get kicked out of the so said bar. On the taxi ride home, he asked me, he says, “Hey McConaughey, you ever done any acting?” I say, “Well, no. Not really.” He says, “I’m doing this movie and you might be right for this part.” Sure enough, I wake up the next morning, I go pick up the script. It’s called ‘Dazed and Confused’. My character David Wooderson, he has three lines in the entire film. But one of those lines is what I’d like to call a launchpad line. What do I mean by that? Launchpad line is a line that if the character really believes it then I can feel like I can write a whole book on this character. The scene goes like this. Wooderson’s hanging out at a pool hall with some buddies and these girls walk by, he smacks one of them on the ass. His buddy says, “You’re gonna go to jail for that Woodman.” Wooderson says, “Nah. That’s what I love about those high school girls man. I get older but they stay the same age.” Right?

So, I get called into this wardrobe make out test on the set. I’m not supposed to work but I get called in for it. The director comes up to me, Richard Linklater says, “Oh my god. You look great. This is Wooderson. This is exactly who I hoped he’d be.” He says, “Listen. We’re doing this drive through scene tonight and I know you’re not supposed to work but you think Wooderson might be picking up on the red headed intellectual? He has already been with the cheerleader and the typically hot girls. What about the red headed intellectual?” I said, “Sure he would, man. Wooderson loves all kinds of women.” Then he goes, “Hey, you wanna shoot it?” Next thing I know, I’m in a car getting ready to shoot the very first scene of my film acting career unscripted. Am I nervous? Damn right I’m nervous. So, I’m starting to think. Who is Wooderson? Who is my man? You know, what’s he about? I had to tell myself Wooderson’s about four things. He’s about cars, weed, rock n’ roll and chicks. I look around where I am. Well, I’m in my 70s chevette, that’s one. I got a Slator riding shotgun so I’m definitely getting high, that’s two. And we got Ted Nugent playing Stranglehold on the A track, well that’s three. At this point, I hear over the intercom, “Action!” And I look up across the drive through and there’s red headed intellectual. And I say to myself, “Buddy, you got a three out of four” … alright, alright, alright.

We got a great show for you tonight. Adele is here. Yes, she’s alright. Stick around, we’re coming right back.

FOX & Friends: Syrian Refugee Crisis Cold Open

Steve Doocey… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Carla… Leslie Jones

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching & friends.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]

Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade

Elizabeth: Hey there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.

Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.

[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]

Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.

[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]

Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.

[Cut to Debbie in her office]

Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.

[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]

Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?

Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.

[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]

Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.

Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.

Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Straight out of Compton.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.

[Cut to Ben in his office]

Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.

Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.

Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…

Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Finding Pain for Blues

Willan Odos Emore… Kenan Thompson

Joe Frowning Mou Dickson… Jay Pharoah

Toothpick Joe… Kyle Mooney

Adoly Wolf… Leslie Jones

Hallen Bobby Wallis… Matthew McConaughey

[Starts with a band playing at Charlie’s Blues Shack]

Willan: [singing] Well I’ve been so sad and lonely
since my cheating lady up and diedsaid I got the blues

Thank you! Thank you very much. Yeah, that was about my pig wife Luwain. She’s up in heaven hanging out with my dog and I’m down here with diabetes. My name is Willan Odis Emore. And joining me on the keys from New Orleans is Joe Frowning Mou Dickson. He finished building his first house one day before Katrina. What’s up, Joe?

[Cut to Dickson]

Dickson: My life is a living hell Odis.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: Mine too. On the harmonica, his delivery doctor was drunk, left three extra inches of umbilical. It’s Toothpick Joe. How you doing Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Real bad, Odis. Real bad.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: Well, alright. And on the drums, we got Ms. Adoly Wolf. She’s blind and a bat.

[Cut to Adoly]

Adoly: And drunk as a skunk.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: You got to be. Alright, I almost forgot. We got a special guest all the way from San Francisco. It’s his first time at the Shack, Mr. Hallen Bobby Wallis.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wa-hah! Well, thank you for letting me jam with y’all. You mind if I sing with you on the next one?

[Cut to the band]

Willan: Ay, as long as you got the blues my brother. Let’s rock out of 12 bar.

[band start playing]

[singing] Well I told my troubles to god
god said he didn’t like me
I guess that’s why my day job
is picking pores in IV

[cut to Bobby]

Bobby: [singing] I got a mean case of the blues
and it tearing me up inside
I got a bad haircut
and I don’t wanna go outside

[Other band members are looking at Bobby disappointed]

Right on.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: What? He said a bad haircut?

Bobby: You know.

Willan: Alright, I guess we’re warming up then.

[singing] Well the mob wants me dead
I guess I ran out of luck
they put a bounty on my head
it’s for 35 bucks

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: [singing] Yeah, I took a cab down to the airport
the driver said have a good flight
I said you too
and it’s been bugging me all night

Willan: Well I got rats in my bed
mice in my shoes

Bobby: My fantasy football team sucks

Willan: Okay, you know, let’s just take a pause. [Cut to Willan and Bobby] Let’s take a pause here. Bobby, you know the blues is about heart ache. You gotta bleed.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you now. I hear you now. That’s a good feedback. Yeah, keep it painful. Yeah.

[Cut to the band]

Willan: Okay, good. Let’s hit it.

[singing] Well my true love she done left me
left me for my dad
now neither of them love me
and they were all I had

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Well my lady left me too
thought I’d never see her again
but later we reconnected
now she’s my wife and my best friend
Oh!

[Cut to Willan and Bobby]

Willan: Man. Come on, man! That ain’t the blues. You got to sing some sad stuff like I’ve been singing about.

Bobby: Right, right, right. Okay. Just like you.

Willan: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Here we go.

[singing] Well I’m an old black guy
I’m wearing a hat
I’m so old and black
I am black, I am black, I am black

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: No! Not right!

Bobby: What do you mean?

Willan: You know what? Somebody else talk to this man before I lose my lunch which by the way was just corn.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Bobby, find that real pain deep down. Just tell an honest story brother. And now chill on this.

[Joe starts playing his instrument]

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay. Honest story. Here we go.

[singing] Well I used to work at Facebook
but I quit and sold my shares
now I’m suicidal
all my friends are billionaires

Willan: For real?

Bobby: Oh, yeah man. I got the blues.

Willan: Ha-ha. That sucks. But I guess now you got the blues, baby.

[Cut to the band]

I say now you got the blues
you got the blues
you got the blues

[The End]

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Cathy… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Jamal… Jay Pharoah

Grandpa… Matthew McConaughey

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a family having dinner]

Beck: Alright guys, happy thanksgiving everyone.

[everyone wishes each other]

I am so thankful to have you all here today.

Vanessa: I am thankful that I only burned the turkey a little bit.

[everyone laughs]

Cathy: You know, I am thankful that our governor is not gonna let those refugees in here.

Cecily: Oh my god!

[Cut to a video that says “Thanksgiving with family can be hard.”]

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You know, I heard the refugees are all ISIS in disguise.

[Cecily shaking her head]

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s true. [Cut to Cathy] I actually saw an ISIS in the A&P today when I was picking up the yam.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: No, you didn’t aunt Cathy. That was an Asian woman.

[Cut to a video that says “Everyone has different opinions and beliefs.”]

[Cut to everybody]

Cathy: You know what? [pointing at Jamal. Jamal is the only black person at the table] I have a question for you. Why is it that your friends keep antagonizing the police?

[Jamal is offended]

Cecily: Why would you ask my boyfriend that?

Cathy: Well I’m just trying to get to know Jamal.

[Cut to a video that says “But there’s one thing that unites us all…”]

[Cut to everybody arguing with each other. The little girl sitting by Cathy gets up and plays Adele’s ‘Hello’ on the music player.]

[Everyone suddenly stops talking]

[Cut to Cathy lipsyncing to the song]

Cathy: Hello, it’s me.

[Cut to Vanessa lipsyncing to the song]

Vanessa: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

[Cut to Beck lipsyncing to the song]

Beck: To go over everything.

[Cut to Cathy and Jamal holding hands and lipsyincing to the song]

Jamal: They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa: Oh, your grandparents are here.

[Cut to the grandparents walking in]

Beck: How was the flight?

Grandpa: It was good. Good.

Grandma: I saw two transgender at the airport. They sure look all pretty.

Grandpa: Very interesting trend.

[Cut to Cecily and Jamal]

Cecily: Oh, my god!

Jamal: Transgender is not a trend Mr. Paul.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: There weren’t any around when I was younger.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, they were there but they couldn’t say anything so they lived sad lives and died.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No talking about…

[everyone starts arguing again]

[Cut to the little girl who plays the song again]

[The video changes to black and white. Everyone stands up lipsyncing to the song.]

All: Hello from the other side

[They have the wind blowing on them effect going on]

I must have called a thousand times

[Beck has his nails done like Adele in her video]

To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
When I called you never seemed to be home

[The burnt turkey turns into a well cooked turkey]

Hello from the other–

[The oven’s timer beeps]

Vanessa: Oh, the pies are ready.

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy: And I am ready to vote for Ben Carson.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You are such a–

[Cut to Vanessa walking to bring the pie but she slips and presses the button to play the song]

[Cut to the family lipsyincing to the song. The video changes to black and white again.]

All: Hello from the other side

[Everyone is wearing a coat like Adele in her video now]

At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart

[Now even men have long blonde hair like Adele]

but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

[Now everyone is at Adele’s ‘Hello’ shooting venue with a pond and flying autumn leaves.]

Anymore
anymore
anymore

[Cut to everybody. Little girl is also sitting at the table.]

Vanessa: Dig in, everyone.

[Little girl turns towards the camera]

Little girl: Thanks Adele.

[The End]

3D Printed Man

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

Matthew McConaughey

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

[Cut to Cecily with her product presentation]

Cecily: Bio Print 3D printers are in the half the hospitals in the country. Our technology has created new ears, skin graphs and even artificial limbs. But our mission is to keep innovating. And today, we prove why we remain on the fore front of the 3D printing revolution. Because Bio Print is now the first company to 3D print an entire human man.

[applause]

How realistic is this man? Well, why don’t you be the judge.

[The curtains open. there are three men sitting on the stage.]

I’d like to introduce three men to you. Two are humans, but one of them was printed with a Bio Print 3D printer. Can you tell who?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hello. Am I the 3D printed man?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Hi there. Am I the 3D printed man?

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Hi today. Am I the 3D printed man today?

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Clearly our 3D printed man is physically identical to a regular man. But can we 3D print human personality and emotion? Well you tell us. I invited anyone to ask our panel a question.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Well, hello to all three of you. Humans all enjoy eating. What’s your favorite food?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I know it’s not the healthiest choice but my weakness is buffalo wings.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh, as for me, I gotta say a good steak. Medium rare.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know I’ve gotta say every single one of the bananas.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Hm, yum. More questions?

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Hello. I wanted to say to the one on the right. You’re different but you’re kind of cute.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: I could say the same about you. Ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. My question is for all of you. What’s your favorite movie?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well I have a daughter. So, I’ll go with the Little Mermaid. It was the first movie we saw together.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well I’m a scifi geek, so I gotta say Star Wars.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know I’ve gotta say Fight House.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah, I’ve never heard of Fight House.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: I could say the same about you. Ha-ha.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Okay. Yes, sir.

[Cut to Jon in the audience]

Jon: Hi there. Keeping our mind occupied is one thing that makes us human. What are you hobbies?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, I fish, I’m learning to cook.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know, I’m gonna have to say I’m playing all the sports and using pens. That’s cool and smooth like a real sunglasses guy.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Very, very funny, Bruce. Who else?

[Cut to Sasheer in the audience]

Sasheer: Can I ask what you do for a living?

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Get out of here in your town with that question. You’re making a sunglasses guy like me laugh hard from my face. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh yeah.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, I’m a contractor for a petroleum company.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m in sales.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, I sell all the t-shirts. I also like milk.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Now I can tell most of you are still stumped. So let’s add a new wrinkle. Movement. Gentlemen, I’d like you all to go for a walk.

[Beck stands and walks around casually.]

Good.

[Taran stands and walks around casually.]

Okay, very nice.

[Bruce stands and walks around. He is walking around like a robot.]

Love that strud. Yes. Love that strud. Anybody up for some dancing?

[Cut to Beck and Taran. They stand and dance casually.]

Um, very nice. Looks like we got some real dancers here.

[Cut to Bruce. He is dancing wildly jumping around]

Bruce: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Bruce, stop. Stop, Bruce.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Is the 3D printed man Bruce?

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Wow. Yes. Incredible job. Now, if you want to come up here and meet Bruce, you all have about three minutes before he catches fire.

Bruce: Feeling hot.

[Bruce starts jumping around again]

Feeling hot. Feeling hot.

[The End]

White Contestant in Black Jeopardy

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Alison… Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show set]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alright. Wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only jeopardy that’s produced entirely in cash. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Come on now, bro!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Hi!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Alison.

[Cut to Alison. She is a white woman.]

Alison: Thank you. So good to be here.

[Cut to Darnell. He checks his cards.]

Darnell: Um, Alison, you know this is Black Jeopardy, right?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh yeah, I dated a black guy once. So, I don’t see color. It’s just Jeopardy to me.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Okay, we’ll see how that goes. Um, let’s check out our categories. We got…

[cut to the game screen]

“It ain’t like that”, “who’s try’na”, “I don’t know you!”, “shaking my head”, “what had happened was”, and as always “white people”.

[Cut to Darnell]

Amir, you’re a returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, cool. Let’s do “I don’t know you!” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… The cashier wants your phone number for a price plus card.

[Cut to the contestants. Amir presses the buzzer.]

Amir.

Amir: What is… “I don’t know you. You ain’t put me in the system.”

Darnell: That’s right. [Cut to Darnell] That’s right. Big brother, you know what I’m saying? Big brother. Go ahead Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, cool. Let me get “I don’t know you” for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The waiter wants to know if you got allergies.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is… “I don’t know you. If I’m itchy that’s my business.”

Darnell: You damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. What? I can’t even itch when I wanna? Come on!

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Right? Okay. Let’s stick with “I don’t know you”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… The man in the bus station says he needs to use your phone due to a personal emergency.

[Cut to the contestants. Alison presses the buzzer.]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: What is… “I don’t know you… or what you’ve been through. So, I have no right to judge your experience.”

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: No. Might be a long night for you, Alison. Keeley, still your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let me get “Who try’na” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The answer… He try’a act like nothing happened.

[Amir presses the buzzer]

Amir

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Oh! Who is Jason PA Paul?

Darnell: Oh, you damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. Come on, man! Ain’t got no damn figures. What you think? We ain’t gonna notice. Ya’ll dead with a Gumby hat. Come on!

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Alright, let’s stick with “Why try’na”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. They try’na act like Jesus don’t exist.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is Starbucks?

Darnell: That’s it! [Cut to Darnell] That’s it! It’s a shame. It’s a shame.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with “Who try’na” for $600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… After everything he did, he try’na act like he don’t owe us an explanation.

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Who is Bill Cosby?

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] I’m sorry, but no. The answer was Tom Brady. Tired of him winning all the time. You know?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Just as a white person, I’m not really sure how to answer these questions.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re white? I don’t see color. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeoprady prize video]

Male voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive a gift certificate to Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. All whie suits in shades from eggshell to pearl! Be the head of your prom, funeral or NBA draft. Made for distinguished black men and a few fancy lesbians. Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. And Long-Ass Wire. Now you can have cable television in every room of your house. It’s easy. With Long-Ass Wire. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: I like that long ass wire. Okay, Amir. The board if your’s.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Um, let’s go with “What had happened was” for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… Your lights went off.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: See, what had happened was, I was on my way to pay the bill and then I just didn’t.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah, yeah. That happens. That happens.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s stay with “What had happened was” for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. We were there. Where were you?

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Well, it just so happened…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] No.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, no. What happened in this particular case…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. I appreciate you trying though. Why don’t you go ahead and pick.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Alright. Let’s do “It ain’t like that” for $800.

[Cut tot he game screen]

Darnell: Okay then.

[The game screen shows ‘Daily Double’]

Wow, looks like you got the video Daily Double. And you’re little behind Alison but you can catch up right here. Let’s see the clue.

[Cut to 5 standing in front of a painting.]

Speaker 5: What’s up? In 1943, an artist named Archibald Motley painted the picture behind me. My question is, after all these years who killed Tupac?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alison?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. I’m gonna say, Tupac was killed by a corrupt justice system that threatens us all.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, but that was a trick question. The answer is that Tupac is still alive.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. He’s down in Cuba at the Illuminati Hotel. That’s where he at.

[Cut to the contestants]

Alison: It’s just… uh! Like, no matter what I do, I can’t win.

[right answer bell ringing]

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yes! That is the blackest thing you said all day, Alison. All the points go to you.

[music playing]

Oh-oh! Well, the sound of the slow jam means it’s time to leave the party. So, we gonna take a break. When we come back, one of our contestants will win two tickets to Love & HipHop on Ice.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh! That sounds fun. What is that?

[The End]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Bathroom Gender

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week voters rejected the Houston equal rights ordinance which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, how you doing? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was voted down because [Cut to Pete Davidson] some people claim it’s just an excuse to allow guys in women’s restrooms. You know? The theory is that men in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their names, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals. What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there? There is not shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball.

I grew up with a mom and a sister, so I know a little something about sharing a room, like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hangout in there. Last week I accidentally walked in on my mom in the toilet and I don’t think we’re ever gonna speak again.

Even if for some reason you’re desperate to use women’s bathrooms, you don’t need a sex change to do it. You could just walk in. There’s no bouncer. The door is right there. Seriously, I’ve been using the ladies room here to poop for the last two months.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. We’ve actually gotten a lot of complaints.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, from me. It’s filthy in there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It looks like a man made out of toilet paper was murdered in there.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Then why do you keep using it?

Pete Davidson: Because it’s the only bathroom that has wifi. And Cecily has a beautiful singing voice. [Cut to Pete Davidson] That was my favorite line.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Look, you know why I’m not worried about a woman in the men’s room? Coz every sporting even I’ve ever been to, a girls has bursted in and said, “Line’s too long. I’m peeing in here.” And guess what? It didn’t ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it’s the only reason I washed my hands.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky about Steroids

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the anti-doping agency suspended all Russian track and field athletes from international competition due to steroid use. Here to comment is a woman from remote village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: [singing] Oops, I did it again.
Got tricked by a goat
I gave him my clothes
Oh, stupid Olya

Colin Jost: Welcome back. [laughing] Welcome back. Now, can I ask what have you been up to since last time?

Olya: Oh, you know, just brunching and gabbing with my gal-pals.

Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No Colin, I live in Russia. I’ve been crying and screaming non-stop.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, are you disappointed to learn that the Russian track and field team has been doping for years?

Olya: Colin, can you really blame people in Russia for trying to run faster? [Cut to Olya] They’re just trying to get the hell out of there. And I say go for it. Run Borris, run.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But Olya, okay, they cheated. You know? That’s illegal.

Olya: Oh Colin, you little nerd!

[Olya pats on Colin’s back]

Everybody cheats my friend. [Cut to Olya] Even I have cheated on my boyfriend. But I had good reason. The other guy is a real fox.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, what does he do?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: I don’t know. He shoves his little face in the dirt and tries to get in chicken coop. He’s a fox, Colin.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you think about the possibility that the Russian track and field team might be banned from the Summer Olympics in Rio De Janeiro?

Olya: Oh, it’s major bummer, Colin. [Cut to Olya] I wanted to go to Rio, baby! I was gonna lay out on the beach in my brand new three piece bikini.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What’s a three piece bikini?

Olya: Oh, it’s sexiest bikini in all of Russian. It’s shirt, pants and big heavy coat.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I be the guys love that.

Olya: Oh, they do, Colin. Plus, I have the best pickup line. [Cut to Olya] I walk up to a guy, I say, “Did you fall from heaven? If so, please tell me my babies are up there.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, even though you can’t go to Rio, at least you got to come to New York, right?

Olya: Oh, New York is great, Colin. I love walking around learning new English phrases. Like, what is that new phrase everyone in New York is saying? What is it? It’s like, “Oh my god, you haven’t seen Hamilton? You have to see Hamilton. Seriously, go see Hamilton. You have to see Hamilton.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

I hear that everywhere. I don’t know what it is.

Colin Jost: And will you still be in town for thanksgiving?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: Thanks-giva-holsa-giva-what?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Thanksgiving. You know, the day where you sit around with your loved ones and say things you’re thankful for.

Olya: Oh! White people. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, we have a one holiday. Rock day. Everyone gets one big rock to throw at whoever they want. You know what I’m going to do this year with my rock?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What?

Olya: I’m going to throw it straight in the air and stand under and scream, “Take me rock. Bunk me straight.”

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. I think you need to cheer up.

Olya: Maybe you could tell me little joke. I love to laugh.

Colin Jost: You wanna hear a joke?

Olya: Yes. Tell me. Tell me please.

Colin Jost: Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, I got one. Knock, knock.

Olya: [yelling] Ah! The wolves are at the door.

Colin Jost: Olya, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.