Category: 2015

Christmas Sing-a-long

Jen… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Dan… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Christmas decorated house. Three couples are singing together.]

[The singing finishes]

Jen: Great job, guys.

Sasheer: We still got it.

Dan: This is too fun.

Kenan: Yeah, great party you guys. You two are the best hosts.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh, that reminds me, would anyone like a date with bacon wrapped around it?

[Cut to everybody]

All: Oh, absolutely.

Chris: Great! Now, I’m gonna make those for next year. Alright, what do we sing next?

Dan: Um, Carol of the bells.

Kenan: Rudolf is fun.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: How about Debra’s Time?

Chris: Honey, that’s a great idea.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Jen: I don’t think I know that song.

Sasheer: Hmm, I don’t know that song. What about ‘Oh, holy night’?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: No, let’s do Debra’s Time.

Chris: Oh yes. Debra’s time is great.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: I don’t think anybody knows that.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Let’s do Debra’s Time.

Chris: Great! Everybody ready?

[Cut to everybody]

Jen: I’m sorry, what song are we dong?

Cecily: Oh you’ll recognize it. Let’s just try it.

Dan: Okay.

Chris: Oh, wait, wait. Um, just turn off the lamp, Dan. Please.

[Dan turns off the lamp.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily. Chris starts playing the piano beautifully.]

[Chris and Cecily look very emotional]

Cecily: [singing] Checkbooks all are balanced,
Christmas bonus cleared

Ah! Relax Debra!

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan. They are confused.]

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: [singing] Christmas lights all tangled
exactly as I fear

Ah!

[Cecily stands up and Chris starts playing piano louder]

What did I think?

Get the presents,
do the wrapping
get the ribbons
do the packing
somehow you are
always lacking
always lacking
always lacking

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan. They are confused.]

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Oh god, Debra! When are you gonna stop this?

Quiet! Quiet!

[Cut to everybody.]

Chris: [pointing at Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan] [whispering] Go, go.

Sasheer: Go what?

Cecily: Jen, you missed your part.

Sasheer: I did?

Chris: Yeah, I pointed you. Why didn’t you guys all come in?

Kenan: We have no idea what the song is.

Sasheer: We all know ‘Silent Night’. Why don’t we just sing that?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: I don’t know Silent Night.

Cecily: Um, my husband doesn’t know Silent Night, and he knows everything, so…

Chris: Listen, you guys have to know thI is song. It’s a Broadway standard.

Jen: Well, what show is it from?

Cecily: It’s Christmas After All by Keith and Barry William.

Chris: Look, the show wasn’t all that great, but Debra’s Time was amazing. They use it in like, every commercial.

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. Smuckers is the one, you guys probably know.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, I just don’t.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Well, hang in there. You’ll know in a minute. Dan, turn off one more lamp please.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: It’s getting very dark.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Yes, Dan, I know. That’s the way I wanted, that’s why I said do it please. Thank you. Everyone knows this part.

[Cut to everybody. Chris stars playing the piano and Cecily walks forward dramatically.]

Cecily: [singing] Presents have been opened

Chris: And Debra’s moving on

Cecily: The holiday’s so numb

Chris: And Mark has come and gone

[Chris starts playing the piano louder]

Or have I?

Cecily: Mark? What are you doing here?
Chris: I came back for you.

Dan: What’s happening? Who is Mark?

Kenan: He’s involved with Debra, I guess.

Cecily: No, I can’t do this.

Chris: Debra, this could work. Just put your suitcase down.

Cecily: [singing] I’m not ready

Chris: Just hold steady

Chris and Cecily: Mark comes back and Debra’s cracking, smack!

Cecily: That’s when Debra hits Mark.

Chris: Smack! That’s when Mark hits her back.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan looking annoyed.]

Kenan: What?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Why are we doing this to each other?

Chris: Because we’re freaking falling in love. Do you guys know where we are in the song now?

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: [yelling] No! I can’t even tell when you’re you or when you’re Debra and Mark.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, thank you. Honey!

Chris: Okay, okay. Maybe this will help. All the guys do this.

Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Cecily: And girls do this.

It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

[Cut to everybody]

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Girls: It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

Cecily: Jen, go out tone.

Jen: Got it!

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Girls: It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

Cecily: Big finish.

All: Don’t let it go too fast
Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra’s Time

Hah! Right back where we started. Smack!

Dan: Oh my god! I do remember.

Sasheer: I knew it from that Smacker’s commercial. Of course.

Kenan: I wanna see the Broadway show.

Jen: Is it running right now?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Of course it’s running. It’s always running.

Cecily: You know what? It’s only 6:30. If we leave right now, we could all see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Jen: Um, it’s snowing pretty hard.

Chris: Then I’ll drive even faster.

[Cut to a car slipping over the snow and people inside yelling]

[The End]

Chris Hemsworth Second Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Hemsworth.

[Chris Hemsworth walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Hemsworth: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello everybody. Anyways, fantastic to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. This is my second time here. First time I hosted was a while ago. In fact I think we have a picture of that experience.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth’s picture form his previous SNL monologue.]

Oh my god! What was I wearing back then? Such a kid back then. It’s crazy seeing that photo. Now, I gotta say, I really feel at home now. I’ve been horsing around with the cast all week. Feels like I’m back in Australia. You know? Roughing out with my brothers and my dad. It’s like I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of Hemsworths, you know? In fact, we’ve got one just over here. [pointing at the audience]

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the audience] Pete! My man! Camera, let’s go. How are things man? High five!

[Pete gives Chris Hemsworth his hand for a high-five but Chris Hemsworth hits him on his nuts.]

Pete: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: He loves it when I do that.

Pete: I don’t!

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the studio back stage]

Chris Hemsworth: You do. You do. [Chris Hemsworth walks to Bobby Moynihan] Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey, man.

[Chris Hemsworth starts tickling Bobby hard]

Chris Hemsworth: You love tickles, huh?

Bobby: Oh! Oh! Too hard.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, ya, you’ve got a bit of hair.

[Chris Hemsworth shows the hair he has pulled out of Bobby]

Here you go.

Bobby: Yeah, I’ll take that.

Chris Hemsworth: How many sketches you play in closing tonight?

Bobby: All of em’.

Chris Hemsworth: All of em? Yeah you are, baby.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Kate McKinnon. She is talking on the phone.]

Kate! Kate the great, huh? Who is this? [pulls away the phone] Hello? Oh, no thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone] Sorry, I think they hung up, whoever was on the phone.

Kate: It’s okay. It was Hillary Clinton.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh yeah? Good. Oh, give me an apple. You’ve got an apple?

[Chris Hemsworth takes an apple from the desk]

Hey! Becky boy! [Chris Hemsworth walks to Beck Bennett] What’s up baby?

Beck: Oh, my god! [Beck runs away from Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth hits Beck with the apple and he falls down.]

Chris Hemsworth: Ha-ha-ha-ha. My man. Look at that. You better run. Yeah, he loves it when I do that. We’ve doing that all week. Who else we’ve got? Who else is hanging around big Chris’s house? [Chris Hemsworth walks to Kyle Mooney. His hand is plastered.] Mooney, Mooney, my man. How’s the wrist?

Kyle: You fractured it.

Chris Hemsworth: Well, sorry about that buddy. Listen, congrats. I heard you bought some new real estate and you got yourself two acres.

Kyle: No. I don’t.

Chris Hemsworth: Are you sure? [Chris Hemsworth hits Kyle on his nuts]

Kyle: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: You do now, don’t ya? You’re gorgeous man! You’re gorgeous.

[Chris Hemsworth is walking. There are pictures of people who have hosted SNL.]

The guys who have SNL past– [Chris Hemsworth sees his own photo] Oh, there we go. Who is that guy? Huh? I think these walls can talk. He’s got a coupleof stories, I’ll tell ya.

[Leslie Jones walks to Chris Hemsworth]

Ha-ha! LJ, LJ, what’s up?

Leslie: You touch me and I will beat your ass, Chris.

[Chris Hemsworth walks away]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, got it. Oh, shh.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Aidy Bryant]

[yelling from behind] Aidy Bryant sucks!

Aidy: Ah! It’s too much buddy!

Chris Hemsworth: Come on. You wouldn’t hate it, would you?

Aidy: Yes, I would.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you would. Alright. This is where ladies get changes in here. And I think Vanessa is.. [knocking at the cabin] Vanessa! You in here?

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m changing.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, good. I got you that water here after.

Vanessa: Oh, thanks. You can just leave[[

[Chris Hemsworth pours the water on Vanessa from outside the cabin.]

Oh my god! Chris, I hate you!

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you’d hit it, wouldn’t you?

Vanessa: Yeah, I know.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good. Alright. Let’s wrap it up. Come  down this way down the hall. Back here, you look at the door and say, “Open Sasheer!”

[Chris Hemsworth trips over something and falls on the door.]

Wait! That used to swing the other way. The joke’s on me, ain’t it? It’s funny, guys! You changed it up on me. Good.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Colin Jost. He has papers in his hands.]

Colin, what have you got there? Some thing interesting?

[Chris Hemsworth slaps the papers down to the floor]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Chris Hemsworth leaves. Colin picks up the papers.]

Michael Che: See you out there, nerd!

[Michael Che also slaps the papers down the floor]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth on SNL monologue stage]

Chris Hemsworth: And back home.

[cheers and applause]

Amazing back there. To be real, it’s very, very exciting to be back. We’ve got a great show tonight. Chance the Rapper is here. Awesome! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Brunch

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Zac Efron

Cecily Strong

Claire

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with a group of girls at a restaurant]

Aidy: You guys, I meant to tell you I finally saw Magic Mike.

Kate: Oh my god, Megan, did you love it?

Aidy: Yes! Channing Tatum is the hottest.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: Excuse me, that is rude to Zac Efron. Have you seen him in the Lucky One?

Cecily: kay, okay. Neither of them hold a candle to Bradley Cooper and, um, anything?

Aidy: True.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: What about Chris Hemsworth in Thor?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Honestly, totally, totally good call, Claire.

Cecily: Yeah, a hunky Australian in sexy armor? Yes please!

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Oh, totally. I’d rather see out of the armor. Am I right bitches?

[Cut to everybody laughing]

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god, you know who else is hot? Paul Rudd in Clueless.

Aidy: Okay, yes. That is classic hot.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Yeah, he’s pretty good but he’s no Chris Hemsworth in Thor. That scene where he comes home from battling and has his shirt off. Hmm, yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Wow, you really know a lot about that movie Thor.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: And that sexy red cape of his always brushing against his big butt. Oh, to be that cape, am I right bitches?

[Cut to everybody. Others don’t want to agree]

Oh! Okay, bathroom time. BRB.

[Claire leaves for bathroom]

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Hey guys, crazy question. Is our friend Claire actually Chris Hemsworth?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Well, what do you mean?

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: Like, the movie star?

Cecily: Yeah. I mean, I could be wrong and that could just be our friend Claire, but it kind of seems like it’s Chris Hemsworth in disguise.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: But we’ve been friends with Claire for years.

Aidy: Well, wait, have we?

Kate: Actually, coming to think of it, I’ve never met Claire before today.

[Cut to everybody. Claire comes back.]

Claire: I’m back bitches.

The rest: Hi, Claire.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Are wt still talking about that hunk Chris Hemsworth?

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Sort of.

Vanessa: You know, I heard he’s making a third Thor movie. It’s like, do we really need three?

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Ah, yes we do, so shut up. I’d watch Chris in a thousand Thors as long as he has that big hard hammer. Am I right bitches?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: We don’t really call each other that.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Hey Claire, can we talk about something?

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Oh, I know what we can talk about. You know how most Hollywood actors use makeup to define their abs? I heard not Chris Hemsworth. His abs are the real deal.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe that. He is pretty ripped.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Uh, pretty? Try ‘very’.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: I heard he lost a lot of weight for that new movie, Dick movie though.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Could have fooled me. He still looks huge. He’s bigger than Dang Body John. No wonder Bobby Dick wants to eat him, he looks so freaking delicious.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: You know who is actually super delicious? Liam Hemsworth.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Oh, yeah. He’s definitely the hotter Hemsworth.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: [coughing] No way! No, Liam is gross. I heard he breast fed till he was four.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: Where would you have heard that, Claire?

[Cut to everybody]

Claire: Oops, there goes my pesky bladder again. To the bathroom.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, I’m sure now more than ever that our friend Claire is actually Chris Hemsworth in a dress and a wig.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why would Christ Hemsworth do this? He’s a very famous actor.

Aidy: I mean, that would make his insane!

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: You’re right. It’s definitely our friend Claire. You know, Claire from college or growing up or something.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, look, Claire got a text. [read’s Claire’s text] Hah! It’s from Robert Downey Jr.

Aidy: Girls, does Claire know Robert Downey Jr.?

Kate: Ah, here’s a better question. Does Claire exist?

[Cut to everybody. Claire comes back.]

Claire: I’m back bitches. Did you miss me bitches?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, Claire. We have a question for you.

Kate: Claire, are you Chris Hemsworth in a wig and dress?

[Cut to everybody]

[Claire is laughing, but stops in a moment]

Chris Hemsworth: I am.

[Chris Hemsworth takes his wig off.]

Everyone these days– Okay, I guess I just wanted to see if girls still liked me. Everyone these days keeps talking about Chris Pratt and Ryan Gosling and freaking Liam from the Hunger Games. I just needed to know. Does anyone still find little old C. Hemmy attractive. [Cut to everybody] Am I still a hunk.

Cecily: Of course, Chris.

Vanessa: You’re a hunk.

Kate: You’ll always be a hunk.

Aidy: No, this was bad and you’re weird now.

[The End]

Brother 2 Brother: Wrestling Match

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Mark… Taran Killam

Coach… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Disney Channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney Channel. [A girl and a gold fish as her dad appears] Later, Trish flushes her dad down the toilet on the season finale of My Dad, The Fish. But first, it’s time for a brand new episode of ‘Brother 2 Brother’.

[Brother 2 brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
Akalama twin
to help you get through the day-ey
Okay!

[Cut to Matty and Marky in school. They are wearing identical clothes and have same blonde hair.]

Matty: Mark, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Marky: What’s going on, Matty? Everything, a-okay?

Matty: No, everything’s F-not okay. I have the big wrestling meet tonight and I’m nervous I’m gonna beef it.

Marky: But you’re the best wrestler in this state.

Matty: And the biggest worry word.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Matty: I have an idea. Let’s switch places. You wrestle for me and in exchange I’ll do your chores for a whole week.

Marky: Um, even the dishes?

Matty: Of course!

Marky: Even giving daddy his massage?

Matty: I promise.

Marky: Then it’s a deal.

Matty and Marky: A twin deal.

[Cut to the wrestling coach giving prep talk to the wrestlers]

Coach: Alright team, focus up. The big wrestling meet is today and everything’s on the line. So, remember what I taught you. Don’t let them pin you, you’ve gotta pin them. Hey, wait! Where’s our star wrestler Matty?

[Marky runs in on wrestling outfit]

Marky: Here I am coach. I’m here ready to wrestle and win, coz I’m Matty, your star wrestler Matty. That’s me. [winks]

Coach: You’re not Matty. You’re Marky. Matty is like, may bigger and has way more muscles. And I wanna say he’s not as pale. Plus he has that hard deep ravine thing between his packs. You know, when you’re packs are so huge, you get that ravine. You don’t really have that. You just sort of have like hairy flatness up here.

[Marky is feeling embarrassed]

Marky: Well, looks like the jig is up.

Coach: Plus your arms are sort of hanging to your sides like that. Matty’s arms are much bigger and they’re pushed out coz of all muscles he has like, right here. [showing the back] You don’t really have muscles here. You just have like, soft clumps of skin.

Marky: Oh-oh! Looks like the jig–

Coach: Also, when Matty sweats [Marky looks very embarrassed] he gets like, be the sweat. It just sort of rolls slowly down his stomach. But I think your stomach just sort of gets wet in circle.

Marky: Yeah, I know.

[Cut to Kyle in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Kyle: Coach! I have one.

Coach: Yea, great, go ahead Tommy.

Kyle: Ya, I noticed in the shower that Marky, you have like a thick coat of hair on your feet and Matty doesn’t have that.

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Coach: You’re right. Good call. Matty’s feet are great. They actually look more like hands in your hand zoo.

Marky: No, that’s specific, coach. I guess–

[Cut to Pete in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Pete: Also, Matty has a bigger and more muscular butt.

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Okay!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But like, your butt has a bigger, I wanna say, crack?

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Marky: Yeah, that’s enough. I guess, the jig is up. Matty, come on out.

[Matty walks in. He’s also wearing the wrestling outfit.]

Matty: Hi coach. It’s me, the real Matty.

Coach: No doubt.

Matty: I’m sorry we lied. Lying is bad.

Coach: Just promise me you’ll never try this again.

Marky: We sure won’t. Because we learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, I mean don’t try it again coz it won’t work. I mean, look at you. The two of you side by side right now, it’s insane. I mean, Marky, stand behind Matty I bet you’d completely disappear.

Marky: Oh, that’s okay coach. Coz we’ve both learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, just do it. I wanna see it. You stand behind him like that.

[Marky stands behind Matty. He can’t be seen.]

[Cut to the wrestlers]

Kyle: Wow! We can’t even see him Marky.

Jon: You are so much smaller.

[Cut to Matty. Marky is standing behind him.]

Matty: What are you talking about? We’re

[Marky peeks out]

Matty and Marky: Identical twins.

Coach: Okay, yeah. But just look down for a second. You have that deep V thing going on. And you see, Marky, he just sort of has an O. You know? You see, it sort of looks like an O right here, big circle. Marky, I know you can’t be but you look like you’re 10-12 weeks pregnant right now.

Marky: Matty tried to kiss me last night.

Coach: What?

Matty: What?

[Cut to close shot of Marky]

Marky: He didn’t. I tried to kiss him… in his sleep. [sobbing]

[The video stops and credit appears]

[The End]

Time To Bleed

Sasheer Zamata

Paleski… Chris Hemsworth

Ruman… Kyla Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jon Rudnitsky

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a crossfire between a man and police.]

Sasheer: 2-7. Shots fire at North River Street. Request backup.

[The man shoots and Paleski gets hit. The man runs.]

Paleski, you’ve been hit.

Paleski: I’m fine.

Sasheer: But you’re bleeding.

Paleski: I don’t have time to bleed. Now come on, let’s finish this.

[Paleski runs after Ruman any way]

[Cut to Sasheer running into an empty floor.]

Paleski: [echo sound] Ruman.

Ruman: [looking around and pointing the gun] Where you at, Paleski? I know you’re here.

[Paleski suddenly appears behind Ruman.]

Paleski: Hey, baby.

[as Ruman turns around, Paleski punches him on hi face and Ruman faints.]

[Sasheer reaches the scene]

Sasheer: 2-7. Suspect has been subdued.

Paleski: Translation, knocked the hell out.

[Paleski groaning because of the pain]

Sasheer: Okay though guy. Let’s get you to a doctor.

Paleski: Or maybe you can kiss and make it better.

[Cut to press conference held by the police]

Beck: For bravery, in the line of duty, we award this medal to Sargent Peter Paleski.

[Paleski receives the medal.]

Sasheer: I didn’t know they give award to stubborn sons of bitches.

Paleski: Yeah, I’ll hang them in my bad. Would you come see them sometime?

[Paleski groaning]

Sasheer: What’s wrong? [Paleski is still bleeding] Oh, my god! Did you not go to the hospital?

Paleski: Relax. I’m fine.

Sasheer: Paleski, you don’t need to be the tough guy anymore. You need to see a doctor.

Paleski: I will. But first I gotta finish this thing all the way.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski working at the office. Paleski is bleeding but he’s still turning papers on his desk with his bloody hands.]

Sasheer: Okay, this is just stupid.

Paleski: It’s the job, okay? You know, paper work is the job.

Sasheer: You’re getting blood everywhere.

Paleski: You know, I know another place where we can get my blood from. It’s my penis.

Sasheer: It doesn’t make sense.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Bad news, Ruman made bail.

[Paleski bands the table]

Paleski: God dammit! I gotta go blow off some steam.

[Cut to Paleski hitting the boxing pads. He’s still bleeding so he doesn’t have the strength.]

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: You really don’t look good.

Paleski: Yah, maybe on opposite’s day.

Sasheer: I think you have lead poisoning from that bullet.

Paleski: You know, I got a little bullet in my penis too.

[Paleski falls down.]

[Cut to Paleski laying on a hospital bed. Sasheer is sitting beside him.]

Paleski: Looks like you finally got your wish.

[door knock]

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Paleski. I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover elective surgeries. Can’t give you those calf implants after all.

Sasheer: No. He’s here coz he got shot.

Doctor: Huh? Not what he told me.

Paleski: Don’t listen to her. She’s joking.

[Paleski removes the blanket and he is bleeding all over the bed.]

[Paleski walks out on the patient’s gown bleeding all over it.]

Sasheer: No! What is your problem? Dammit, Paleski. You need to take care of yourself. I need to–

[Ruman jumps in and holds Sasheer at a gun point from behind]

Ruman: You really thought you could beat me?

[Paleski is trying to aim at Ruman but he can’t because he is shaking.]

Sasheer: Don’t shoot Paleski. You can’t make the shot.

Paleski: Tell me that tomorrow when you’re making me breakflahh—

Sasheer: Are you saying breakfast?

[Paleski shoots. He gets Ruman the third time.]

Sasheer: Nice shot, Paleski.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski waking up on the same bed.]

Looks like you got your Christmas gift after all.

[The bed is full of blood.]

[Sasheer shakes Paleski’s shoulder]

Oh, he’s dead.

[The End]

Weekend Update Laura Parsons Says News

Michael Che

Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: We recently asked a few kids to audition for our news casters of tomorrow’s segment. This week’s winner is a 12 year old actress who starred in the upcoming Disney TV movie Three, Two, One Recess, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Che. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today?
it’s all about news

Michael Che: Okay, so far, so cute. Alright, now do you have some headlines for us Laura?

Laura Parsons: I sure do. Are you ready?

Michael Che: I am.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: This week Donald Trump said he wants to create a database of Muslims which many on the left are comparing to what happened in Nazi Germany.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, that’s a very adult story Laura. Do you have– do you even know what you’re talking about at all?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Not really. No, I just memorized the script. Like they say in newsies, I don’t make the news, I just report it fella!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, well do you have anything with little laughter?

Laura Parsons: Sure! Study show that thanksgiving excitement is on the rise.

Michael Che: Well, I like that.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Also on the rise, the death rates of middle age white Americans which has skyrocketed due to substance abuse and liver disease. The only time death rates were higher was a small spike in the 80s due to AIDS!

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Laura Parsons: Speaking of AIDS, do you know Charlie Sheen?

Michael Che: Oh god!

Laura Parsons: He is so funny, and he’s got HIV!

Michael Che: Do you even know what HIV is?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: I sure do. It’s when you’re whole body goes, “Oh boy!” Speaking of boys, Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Okay, Laura! Laura! I think we’re good. You did a great job. You really did.

Laura Parsons: I did?

Michael Che: Yes.

Laura Parsons: Great. Extra, extra, I did a great job.

[singing] And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everyone!

Weekend Update David Ortiz Retirement

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week Boston Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz announced that he is retiring from baseball after next season. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

David Ortiz: Como estas.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Big Poppy. So you’re retiring from baseball?

David Ortiz: That’s right. [Cut to David Ortiz] And we celebrated with a big lunch. Yeah. Everybody have a lunch. We have mofongo, pica pollo, pescaito frito and batata fritas.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You had all that for lunch?

David Ortiz: That’s right. Big Dominican lunch with Big Poppy.

Colin Jost: And now what are you gonna do after you retire?

David Ortiz: Who, me?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

David Ortiz: Oh, no. I only retire from baseball, Jost. You know, I still sponsorship.

Colin Jost: Like, you do sponsorship?

David Ortiz: No. I sponsor ships. It’s like commercial I do.

[Cut to David Ortiz. A picture of a ship appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Ships. You want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet? How about a ship? It’s like a plane but bad. With ships.

[The picture disappears.]

Yeah! I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning. It’s Smidgeon of pigeon.

[A picture of Smidgeon of Pigeon appears at the bottom of the screen]

Smidgeon of Pigeon. You wanna taste a little pigeon? But you don’t wanna eat whole one? Then put a Smidgeon of Pigeon.

[The picture disappears.]

It’s basically oregano.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I did not realize if that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.

David Ortiz: Oh! Yeah, man! And you know what you can put it on?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: What?

David Ortiz: You can put it on mofongo, mondongo, langostas fritas, croquetas de bisque.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now that’s a big meal. Are you worried about eating this much after you stop playing sports?

David Ortiz: Oh no, Colin. Because I have the perfect yim (gym) to workout there, okay?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: Yim?

David Ortiz: Yeah, it’s so good yim. It’s called Iguananox.

[Picture of Iguananox logo appears at the bottom of the screen]

Do you not like working out at the yim, but you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there too? Check out Iguananox.

[The picture disappears]

Very few deaths.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I knew to stay and shave, Jost. Because I started a new dating website.

Colin Jost: Sorry, dating website?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. It’s called ‘go outside’.

[Cut to David Ortiz. There’s a picture of ‘go outside’ logo at the bottom of the screen.]

Do you wanna meet some people? Go outside!

[The picture disappears]

And look around man. Everywhere is people.

Colin Jost: It’s a grate point. It’s a great point.

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right. You can it out in wabble-you wabble-you wabble-you (he means www) gooutside.whynot.havesomefun.thisgoingtobegreat.mofongo

And please use a promo code: Wasakaka con queso frito.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: David Ortiz, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of toys at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An advocacy group has released it’s annual list of hazardous toys which includes dinosaur claws from Jurassic world and a folding trampoline. Bad news for kids whose role model is the Terrano Raptor. [Picture changes to a person dunking basketball on a red dinosaur costume using a trampoline.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Why would he be a role model? Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is ending his campaign for president after getting really tired of telling the other candidates that he was not the IT guy. It’s an innocent mistake.

[Picture changes to Radioshack logo]

Radioshack is hoping to boost it’s holiday profits with early Black Friday sales and staying open on Thanksgiving day. You may know Radioshack from their slogan, “Hey! Didn’t I use to be a Radioshack?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study suggest that house cat share similar personality traits with African lions. And if they were bigger, they would kill their owners… instead of just waiting for them to die of loneliness.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[Picture changes to Subway Jared Fogle and a judge gavel.]

Former Subway Sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty for having sex with minors was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Fogle said he was just happy to get anything under 18.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of shipping containers piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How did you think that was gonna end?

Colin Jost: I thought it would be uplifting.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. A housing developer in Arizona has created new apartments costing a $1,000 a month that are made out of shipping containers. It’s all part of his plans to trick Mexicans.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

It’s not my plan.

This Thursday is Thanksgiving and in the spirit of cultural exchange between the pilgrims and the native Americans, Colin and I would like to have an exchange of our own.

Colin Jost: That’s right. That’s why we’ve each picked a joke that we wrote and we’re letting the other one tell it. Che, why don’t you go first?

Michael Che: I sure will, buddy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an old notebook at right top corner.]

Adolf Hitler’s Meni– Jesus! Adolf Hitler’s manifesto ‘Mein Kampf’ will return to German book stores in January after nearly 70 years. But I don’t know, I might just wait to read it on ‘Mein Kindle;.

Come on, man! That is a cheap one.

Colin Jost: I know. That’s true but I bet you did not see it coming.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. [laughs] Just tell your joke, man.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Michael Che: This is the one you wrote for me?Yeah.

Colin Jost: Alright. A team of doctors will soon perform a surgery that uses muscle and skin from a man’s arm to give him a new penis which he was born without. And before the man with no penis goes into surgery, let me just say this, “Good luck, Colin.” [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

Now that’s not…

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Be thankful for what you got, Colin.

Colin Jost: that’s not the spirit.

Michael Che: Happy Thanksgiving bud. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Don’t encourage him.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at left top corner.]

Jeb Bush said that he will be willing to send ground troops in the Syria and Iraq to stop ISIS. Coz you never wanna be the one guy at thanksgiving who hasn’t sent troops [Picture changes to George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush] to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Donald Trump said that if elected he would certainly implement a database system to track Muslims in the United States which is absurd because there is simply no way that we as Americans don’t already have that.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: This week a debate is raised about whether to let Syrian refugees enter the United States.

Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this and immigration in general.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: See, America is a nation of immigrants. But once we get here, we get really suspicious of any new immigrants. It’s kind of like America is this giant awesome roller coaster and you wait in line for every ride. Then we finally get to the front, we ride it and it’s awesome. Then it finishes and we’re like, “Okay, shut it down.” “Wait, there’s all these other people waiting in line.” “No, no. I just wanted it for me and my ethnicity. Then it’s closed forever. You guys have to stay on the other side of the fence and watch us go ‘Wee’.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, first of all, my ancestors weren’t exactly immigrants. We were more like invited guests or cargo. Second, you know this whole country was stolen by immigrants by the first place, right? So, I can get why Americans would get skeptical of other immigrants. If I stole your car and get away with it, the first thing I’m gonna do is buy a better security system for my new car coz there’s thieves out there.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And now, some people are saying there should be religious tests so we only let in the Syrians who are Christian. But you know how easy it is to lie about being Christian? I do it every time I go home for Christmas mass. I just start off real strong with “Our Father” and I kind of lip sync for a minute, and I finish real strong with “Amen”. I mean, that’s why every Catholic sings in a whisper coz we don’t know any of the damn words.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Personally, I don’t trust any religion that requires a hat. I don’t mind small hats. It just seems like the bigger the hat, the weirder the rules. I never been listening to a dude in a big ass hat and thought, “Man, this guy seems reasonable.” That’s why I stopped listening to Pharrell. [Picture changes to Pharrell Williams wearing a hat.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ISIS Pharmaceuticals logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After recent events, a biotech company in California is considering changing it’s name from ISIS Pharmaceuticals. As well as it’s most popular drug, [Picture changes to a Boko Harambien container.] Boko Harambien.

Town Hall Meeting

David Stangle… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Earl… Matthew McConaughey

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Rosco… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a hall having a presentation]

David: And um, let me just start off by saying that we at N-tracker are so excited to work with all of you here. Benson, we think you’ve got a great little town.

Bobby: Yeah, well we are very excited to hear your plan.

David: Oh, good, good, good. Well, I know some of you have some concerns but we do think that a high speed rail line can grow our state’s economy by about 20% in the next decade.

[Cut to Earl. He is wearing a leather jacket and he has long hair.]

Earl: Go home! Yeah, you! Keep your fancy numbers and your pie charts coz we’re not buying it!

[Cut to David]

David: Um, sir, we are very confident in the research that we’ve done.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh! Is that so, college?

[Cut to David]

David: My name is David Stangle.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, college. You’re college coz you stroll in here with your fancy degree and you think you own the place. Huh? Well I’m sorry, I didn’t go to college. My only credential is I love this town.

[Cut to David. Beck stands.]

Beck: Um, David, if I may. [turns to Earl] Let’s look at the numbers. Everyone turn to page two of the proposal.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Books brothers!

[Cut to David and Beck]

Beck: Now hold on, sir.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, you hold on books brothers. Hah! You stand there in your fancy suit and your $22 smile. Well I might not dress like you but this ain’t Park Avenue. This is Benson.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I gotta say Earl, I’ve studied this proposal and it could be big for this town.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that so? Little miss I know how to read!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I do know. I know how to read.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, you think coz you can read those little squiggles on that page and turn them to words in your brain, that means something like you’re smarter than me?

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I wanna say yes.

Bobby: Earl, look, I respect your passion. But you know, I think we should just hear these folks out.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that what you think? Shoes!

[Cut to David, Bobby and Aidy]

David: Yeah! Um, why don’t we get back to the presentation. Now, as you can see this project could create 50 local jobs in the next year alone.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, yeah. Save your breath real hand!

[Cut to David]

David: Real hand?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah! [you can now see that Earl’s left hand is made out of plastic] You think coz you never got pissed drunk and slept on your own hand for two days till it died, that makes you some kind of expert? Hah! Let me think! Dah, no!

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: Earl, Earl, this train could be great for us. The chart doesn’t lie.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Well it so happens, I brought a chart of my own. Show them, Rosco.

[Rosco comes in showing a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine that they have ruined by making horns and mustache on it.]

Hah! What do you think of that?

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: I think you drew a Hitler mustache on top Thomas the Tank Engine.

[Cut to Cecily, Beck, David, Bobby, Aidy]

Bobby: Um, how about we just open this up to the rest of the town?

[Cut to Earl. Kenan stand up]

Kenan: Well yes, I’m very much in favor of this proposal.

Earl: Well, I bet you are Mr. never got hit or bit by a bat.

Kenan: Tell us more about that one.

Earl: Just coz you didn’t rampaging through a dark barn, hear a bunch of fluttering that you thought might be just a pretty lady, then you took your clothes off, got a pair of fangs right in the face and another in the pecker, you think that makes you better than me?

[Cut to David]

David: Yes! Everyone here is better than you.

[Cut to Earl and Kenan]

Earl: I- I- I can’t believe this. After all I’ve done to save this town.

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: No. You blocked the road with your snow plow coz you said the Age of Ultron was coming.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, well hindsight 2020, nice rack!

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! [looks at her breasts and blushes]

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Okay look, all in favor of the train coming through Benson?

[Everyone raises their hands]

All oppose?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Boo!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Motion passes. The train will come through Benson.

[cut to Earl looking disappointed]

Earl: Oh, fine! Fine! I wanna be the conductor.

[Cut to David]

David: Absolutely not.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Fine! I want a picture with the train.

[Cut to David]

David: Uff! Sure.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah? Yeah? You not lying?

David: No.

Earl: Yeah! [hits the table and looks at Kenan] We did it! High-five, huh? Ha-ha-ha. High-five, Rosco. Hay!

[Cut to the newspaper article headline “Ultron Invades Benson, He Took The Train”.]

[The End]