Tag: Aidy Bryant

Spencers Gifts HQ

Nathan… Mikey Day

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Naomi… Aidy Bryant

Octavia Spencer

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with colleagues in a meeting]

Nathan: I’m just saying, if we have one more bad quarter, it will be the end of Spencer’s Gifts.

Jennifer: Yeah. And whose fault is it, Nathan?  You haven’t made a good new product in months.

Tom: Look who’s talking.

Naomi: Um, okay, why is everyone fighting? Spencer’s is supposed to be about making people laugh.

Nathan: Oh, shut up, newbie.

Jennifer: Yeah, just shut it.

Tom: Yeah, shut it.

Octavia: Enough! That’s enough.

Naomi: I’m so, so sorry, Miss Spencer.

Octavia: I am not happy. Spencer’s Gifts, the company my father founded is in the toilet. Now, who is going to look me, Octavia Spencer, in the eye, and take responsibility for that?

Tom: Well, I just think if we had some more innovative products then–

Octavia: Oh, is that what you think? Great! Now, I’m going to go around this table and I want the best ideas you got. Jennifer, go.

Jennifer: Okay. hillbilly dentures? It’s bad teeth, like a hillbilly? [Jennifer puts on the fake teeth] Yeah/

Octavia: Get out! [Jennifer walks out] Is it sinking in now people? This is really happening. This is D-Day. Nathan, go.

Nathan: Uh! Gangnam style bobbleheads? [showing a toy bubble head]

Octavia: Say it again?

Nathan: Like, Oppa Gangnam Style, hey! Like, Psy?

Octavia: Well then, Psy-yonara! You’re dead to me.

Nathan: Ma’am…

Octavia: Take that bush league crap to Ricky’s. [Nathan leaves] Argh! And then there were two. Let’s see. Naomi.

Naomi: Okay. Um, fake poop keychain.

Octavia: And that’s funny why?

Naomi: Because it looks like poop.

Octavia: You wanna see what poop looks that? [showing Naomi’s photograph] That’s what a poop looks like.

Naomi: Okay. Where did you get that picture?

Octavia: I don’t answers questions from ghosts. Buh-bye! [Naomi leaves] Argh! Tom!

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: One shot. Eight mile, baby.

Tom: Um, [showing a wall clock that has beers instead of numbers] It’s beer o’clock. “Hey, what time is it? It’s beer o’clock.”

Octavia: I love that.

Tom: Well, thank you, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: That’s so funny. Lauth with me.

Tom and Octavia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Octavia: You report directly to me now.

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Octavia, your helicopter is here. Are you ready for your vacation?

Octavia: Oh, I’m ready. Come on, Tom.

[Tom follows Octavia]

Tom: Okay.

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Girl at a Bar

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Amy… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]

Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Michelle: Oh. Um…

Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.

Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.

Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.

Michelle: I think the whole world is.

Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.

Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.

Dave: I’m Dave.

Michelle: I’m Michelle.

Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.

Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.

Dave: I know. Look.

[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]

Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.

Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?

Michelle: You men like a date?

Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.

Michelle: Um, no thank you.

Dave: Okay, bitch!

Michelle: What?

Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak!

[Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]

Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dave: What? I followed all the rules!

[Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]

Kyle: Nightmare!

Michelle: Yeah.

Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?

Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.

Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.

Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.

Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.

Michelle: Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.

Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.

Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?

Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.

Kyle: Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?

Michelle: Ew!

[Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]

Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!

Kyle: Fine!

[Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]

Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.

Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?

Michelle: Yeah.

Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?

Michelle: Ew, no.

Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Bitch.

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Please!

Michelle: No!

Mikey: But it’s not fair.

[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]

Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.

Michelle: Ah!

Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?

Michelle: Yes, I do.

Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?

Michelle: No!

Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch!

[Amy walks in pushing Alex away]

Amy: No, no. Go!

Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.

Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.

Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.

Amy: Oh, you do?

Michelle: Yeah.

Amy: Touch my [bleep].

Michelle: What? No!

Amy: [yelling] Bitch!

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing]
Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.

Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing]

[Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Bar Centrale

Candis… Aidy Bryant

Noal… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Terry… Cecily Strong

Jode… Octavia Spencer

Waiter… Alex Moffat

[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]

Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.

Noal: Perfect!

Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.

Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.

Candis: Oh, cool.

Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.

[Jode walks in]

Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.

Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.

Candis: Um, Jode?

Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.

Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.

Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.

Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?

Jode: Hell, yeah.

Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!

Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.

[the waiter walks in]

Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?

Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.

Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?

Terry: Word!

Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?

Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?

Waiter: Absolutely.

Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?

Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.

Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.

Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.

Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.

Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?

Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.

Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”

Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.

Terry: What?

Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.

Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.

Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?

Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.

Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.

Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.

Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!

Waiter: Yes?

Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?

Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.

[music playing]

[Terry and Jode start dancing]

Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.

Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!

[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]

Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.

Pitch Meeting

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Alec Baldwin

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a meeting at Cheetos office]

Cecily: Thank you all so much for coming in today. There were so many amazing commercials at the Super Bowl this year. And we are really looking to step our game.

Alex: Yeah. we can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with for Cheetos.

Alec: Well, it’s an honor just to pitch.

Melissa: Yes, thank you for having us.

Cecily: Right. Well, whenever you’re ready, we will start with the team from Murphy and Kennedy.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: [speaking on mic] We open on a little immigrant girl. She’s dusty. She’s tired. She’s come a long way.

Aidy: She looks up and sees a wall. How will she get over it?

Alec: A boy appears at the top. He throws down a rope. The rope is made from American flags.

Aidy: The girl climbs the rope. She sees her new country for the first time, and she cries.

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

Cecily: Wow! I love that.

Alex: It’s important. It’s now. It’s Cheetos.

Cecily: Alright, A.K. Foster, you’re up.

[Kyle turns on music]

Kyle: Okay, so we open on a bunch of kids in the minivan.

Melissa: They’re roughhousing. They’re playing around.

Kyle: And their mom’s like, “Hey, what is going on back there?”

Melissa: And they’re like, “Just eating Cheetos, mom!”

Kyle: Cut to, Cheetos.

Cecily: [looking unimpressed] Hah! Okay.

Alex: I’m not really sure what the message of the ad is, but maybe–

Melissa: I think it’s like, “Eat Cheetos. They’re good.”

Cecily: Yeah, right. Okay. You know what? Let’s just hear another pitch from Murphy and Kennedy, maybe.

Aidy: Oh, absolutely.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on a Mexican person wearing a sombrero. He takes it off. Underneath is a Muslim woman.

Aidy: The Muslim woman takes off her hijab, underneath is a Jewish person.

Alec: The Jewish person takes off his yamika, underneath is a Cheeto.

Aidy: Hard cut, we are one.

Alec: Harder cut, Cheetos.

Cecily: God, I love that. You know what? But, I’m worried that feels more like a Twix commercial.

Alex: Yeah. I actually saw Excederin do something very similar.

Cecily: Yeah, okay. You know what? Let’s take another pitch from A.K. foster.

Melissa: Right. Okay.

[Kyle turns on music]

Open on a bunch of friends hanging out.

Kyle: Suddenly, Chester the cheetah skateboards in and is like, “How about some Cheetos?”

Melissa: The kids cheer. Cut to Cheetos.

Cecily: I’m sorry. I just– I so don’t recognize the world you’re describing.

Alec: This is so embarrassing, but we also had a Chester the cheetah idea.

Cecily: No, that’s okay. Go ahead.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on Chester the cheetah. He has gauze around his chest where his new breasts are.

Aidy: Chester now identifies as Danielle the cheetah.

Alec: One of her cheetah friends enter the room. She is scared she will be judged.

Aidy: But the friend cheetah looks at Danielle and she simply says, “You’re beautiful.”

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

[Cecily and Alex have tears in their eyes]

Cecily: [breaking voice] Wow! I am absolutely starving for a Cheeto right now.

Melissa: Wait, you like that?

Cecily: Yes. It shines a light on transgender issues.

Kyle: But it’s a cartoon cheetah. It just kind of feels like you’re using that issue to sell Cheetos.

Cecily: No! Not true. We care about that issue because there is a guy in our office whose son is transgender. Oh wait. [asking Alex] Is he trans or adopted?

Alex: Adopted.

Cecily: That’s right. Coz we don’t know anyone trans, right? And that is the problem.

Aidy: You know, we have one more pitch if there’s time.

Alex: By all means.

[music playing]

Alec: We open on real people. No actors, no make up, no lines, no lights, no props, no costumes, no cameras, no Cheetos. Hard cut.

Aidy: Cheetos!

[Cecily and Alex are clapping]

Cecily: I am– I am– I can’t. That’s incredible.

Kyle: Okay. Okay. I think we get it now. We know just what you’re looking for.

Melissa: Absolutely. [Kyle turns on music] We open on the Twin Towers.

Cecily and Alex: No! No!

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach: You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

Drill Sergeant

Drill Sergeant… Beck Bennett

Soldier Larson… Mikey Day

Colonel Larson… Alec Baldwin

Alex Moffat

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drill Sergeant preparing his soldiers for inspection]

Drill Sergeant: Big day, C Company. Colonel Larson is on base for inspections. so you maggots better look alive. That includes you, Larson. You think just because your dad is a colonel, you can get away with a bed corner like that?

Larson: No drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: You are damn, right, Larson. No one gets a free pass here. No matter who your daddy is. Do I make myself clear?

Soldiers: Yes, drill sergeant.

Drill Sergeant: Attention. [Colonel walks in] Colonel larson in the bunk.

Colonel: Well, the infamous C Company. There is a rumor going around that you are the sorriest, laziest group of recruits on the base and I started that rumor. Gizmo course time, horrendous target mark, and an attitude that stinks worse than the outhouse in a chili cookout. Chilly cook out on that, dammit? [yelling at Alex’s ears] Chilly cook out, I said! Not a single one of you is fit to be a soldier in my army. [to his son] God, you look so handsome in the uniform, son. I’m so proud of you.

Larson: Dad, stop.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, I apologize for the state of my recruits.

Colonel: Not your fault, sergeant! It’s theirs. [yelling] These sacks of dog crap came here to become lean, mean, fighting machines. But all I see is scared littler girls. Scared little girls. And no one, not one is a brave man. [to his son] Except you. You’re my brave little man.

Larson: Dad, I beg you to stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Now you maggots drop and do pushups until you puke blood, you hear me?

Soldier: Sir, yes sir!

[All the soldiers start their pushups]

One, two, three, four, five, six…

[Colonel is shaking a paper fan for his son]

Larson: I don’t need that .Dad stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Alright, on your feet. [Soldiers stand] You call them pushups? What’s wrong with you? You got a wand up your ass, Harry Potter?

Peter: Sir, no sir.

[Larson laughs]

Colonel: Who the hell just laughed? Well, well, well. A couple of jokers laughing it up. [to Alex] You two friends or something?

Alex: Sir, yes sir.

Colonel: So is making friends okay?

Alex: Yes, yes, sir.

Colonel: [asking about his son] He’s not doing his shy thing where he’s quiet in big groups?

Alex: Sir, no sir.

Colonel: Good.

Alex: He’s adjusting great.

Colonel: Fantastic. Now what was your time on the rope course, princess?

Alex: 2.13, sir.

Colonel: Pathetic. [walks to Peter] And you, four eyes, what is your marksmanship grades?

Peter: Satisfactory sir!

Colonel: Pitiful! Larson, I hear you have a birth date coming up and your mothe wants to know where you want to have your dinner!

Larson: Sir, cheesecake factory, sir!

Colonel: Excellent choice. Huge menu, something for everyone, well done, Larson. God, I can’t believe you’re turning 21, son. Remember that song they used to sing to you during bath time? Remember?

[singing] Don’t go peepee in the bathtub
coz peepee goes in the…

Larson: Potty.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, to teach them some discipline, I believe C Company should do double PT and train duty until further notice.

Colonel: That’s a start. But I don’t think any of these soft bodies could be like my father. [yelling] He was a real soldier. Something none of you maggots have a prayer of becoming. [to Larson] Even though you look exactly like him in that uniform. [sobbing]

Drill Sergeant: Um, yeah. So, C Company, take a lap around the base perimeter and think about if you really want to be here. Go! Go! Go! Go!

[The soldiers start jogging]

Colonel: Larson! Wait! My commanding officer wants to have a word with you.

Larson: Really?

Colonel: Yes. So look sharp. Aten-hut!

[Larson’s mother walks in]

Mother: Aw, my little baby looks so handsome.

Larson: Hey, om.

Colonel: And he made a friend.

Mother: Okay, hey, Mr. Popular.

Beyoncé’s Babies

Dr. Waxler… Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Babies… Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan

[Cut to a doctor confronting Beyoncé.]

Dr. Waxler: Let me just say, what an honor it is to be selected to deliver your twins. I’m Dr. Waxler and you of course are Beyoncé.

Beyoncé: Thank you.

Dr. Waxler: Um, can be honest? This is a big break for me. I haven’t hat a hit baby since Suri Cruise. Now, did our staff go over the birthing procedure?

Beyoncé: Yes, but I don’t need anything special.

Dr. Waxler: Of course. It’s all standard when the birthing commences, you won’t feel any pain. We have hired thsi woman to feel the pain for you.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: It is an honor.

[Aidy walks out]

Dr. Waxler: These babies are going to be beautiful. Now, let’s take a look inside your womb.

[Dr. Waxler starts using ultrasound scanning Beyoncé’s womb]

[Cut to inside Beyoncé’s womb. Tracy and Kenan are sitting on a couch wearing diapers. They have jewelry on their necks.]

Tracy: Damn, it is so nice in here.

Kenan: Yeah. It’s warm and cozy. I feel safe.

Tracy: It’s so spacious. There’s a recording studio in here. This place is special.

Kenan: Well, how do you know? You ain’t ever been anywhere else.

Tracy: I don’t know. I just feel like we’re different from other babies.

Kenan: Yeah, we different. You know who our mom is?

Tracy: No. But I think she’s important. When people meet her, they scream. So she is either a beautiful queen or a goblin.

Kenan: Yo, our mom is Beyoncé, man!

Tracy: Who’s that?

Kenan: Wow! I don’t even breathe yet and I know who Beyoncé is. Yo, she is the Queen Bee.

Tracy: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Oh, she’s drinking some lemonade.

Tracy and Kenan: Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Yo, I gotta get out of here. Come on, let me out. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Beyoncé: Oh! Do you feel that?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, that one’s strong.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Let me try that. Let me try that. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: [feeling the kick] Now, that one is not an athlete but he will be hilarious.

Beyoncé: Are they okay?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, yes. Your babies are both healthy. it might be too early to tell, but I think these babies came to slay.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: I just feel like I’m more like my dad’s kid. You know? Hard.

Tracy: Yeah. I’m definitely my mom’s kid because I am pure sex. I’m gonna be the first person ever who’s gonna get somebody pregnant while they’re inside somebody pregnant.

I’m old school. I don’t pull out. What do you think your name’s gonna be?

Kenan: You know, I thought a lot about it. Probably Jade Rain.

Tracy: I think I’m gonna be something class like Lord Burbury.

Kenan: Either way, our life is going to be dope, man.

Tracy and Kenan: [hooting] Our mama! Our mama! Our mama!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Wow, they really are active. Do you wanna see a picture?

Beyoncé: Absolutely.

Dr. Waxler: Here they are.

[Cut to the computer screen. There are two babies babies with the heads of Kenan Thompson and Tracy Morgan.]

Beyoncé: They’re exactly what I hoped.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Let me out! I’m coming!

Tracy: Yo, chill, man! Don’t be in such a rush to leave. It will be another 16 years before I’m in something like this.

Kenan: You know, I just don’t wanna make my mama mad, man. She’s having a hard enough time carrying us as it is.

Tracy: Oh, no. She is not. I heard she carried two full grown ladies for ten years named Michelle and Kelly.

Kenan: Oh! Burn!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Oh, I just lost the picture. It appears the babies are throwing some major shade in there.

Beyoncé: It’s alright, doctor. I got this.

[singing] I got my babies so sleepy right now,
my boys I got my babies so sleepy right now

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Damn! I’m getting sleepy right now.

Kenan: [acting sleepy] Yo, we gotta perk up. Why are you letting her do this to us?

Tracy: I can’t help it, dog! It’s too lovely. Our mother is a singular talent. Night-night.

Kenan: Yeah. [yawning] She got me too. Night-night.

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: They finally calmed down. That song was wonderfully soothing. Can I hear it again.

Beyoncé: Oh, absolutely. Here’s the remix.

[Beyoncé takes her phone and plays the song]

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan jumping and partying]

Tracy: Damn, this is hot!

Kenan: We partying all night!

[The End]