Tag: episode 10

Miss Universe

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Molly Kearney

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Miss Universe pageant, brought to you by 80 for Brady, finally a movie for your mom that your mom won’t like.

[Cut to the show stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kenan: Alright, welcome back to Miss Universe, one of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it’s not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, all right, anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. Why don’t you remind everybody what country you’re representing?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Denmark.

Heidi: [yelling] Belgium.

Sarah: [yelling]  Israel.

Punkie: [yelling] Barbados.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. Lot of energy. Maybe too much energy. Well, it’s time for the interview round. I’ll ask a few questions and we’ll just go down the line. Okay? Favorite food.

Chloe: [yelling] Bread and pasta.

Ego: [yelling] Basmati rice.

Molly: [yelling] Hotdog.

Sarah: [yelling] Gum.

Heidi: [yelling] Sprite.

Punkie: [yelling] Uber Eats.

Aubrey: [yelling] Fries.

Kenan: Wow. Not sre that I made this clear. Didn’t think that I would have to. But you don’t need to scream every answer. Yeah. Also, Miss France, are you okay? All right. Next question. And you’ll have 45 seconds to respond. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Dead.

Kenan: Sorry, did you say dead?

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving accident sir.

Kenan: What? Alright, let’s just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can’t wait to see what you prepared. Let’s pick it up with Miss Albania.

Chloe: [yelling] Tap dancing.

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving.

Heidi: [yelling] Tongue.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Why would I have you say your talents? Or your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. Where did that go? [Aubrey walks to Kenan] Well, no, don’t come over here.

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahhh!

Kenan: Help? What do you need help with?

Aubrey: [yelling] Frog.

Kenan: You need help with France?

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahh!

Kenan: Just please go back. Okay. No Back this way. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Let’s just move on to the next question. And I don’t know why this is what it is but favorite TV episode? Miss Belgium.

Heidi: [yelling] Nip Tuck season one episode four where Sean and Christian perform an operation on an adult film star.

Kenan: No. You don’t have to summarize the plot.

Heidi: [yelling] And Kimber moves into a bigger condo. I miss Belgium.

Kenan: Miss Albania? You got a favorite memory that you could tell us?

Chloe: [yelling] Shakira Superbowl.

Kenan: The Shakira Superbowl halftime show? Were you there or something?

Chloe: [yelling] No.

Kenan: All right. You know what? Let’s just go to our judges who are inexplicably the Two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk.

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right judges, who is your pick?

Two Property Brothers: France, France.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: Wow, it really is the Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. That’s crazy. And fellas, why’d you take this gig?

Two Property Brothers: Bad with Money. I’m his twin.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the winner is Miss France. [Aubrey walks near Kenan] Alright. I don’t even want to ask but do you have anything that you want to say?

Aubrey: Don’t take the vaccine.

Kenan: Come on. Anything but that?

Aubrey: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: It is Tony Hawk.

Aubrey Plaza Monologue

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aubrey Plaza.

[Aubrey Plaza walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I am so happy to be here. This is a dream come true. And yes, I mean that. I know sometimes when I try to be sincere, it can come off as sarcastic. But I care. I really do. I care about things. People just think I’m weird because of the characters that I play,but I’m a normal person. I had a normal childhood with normal parents. In fact, they’re both here tonight. I love you guys.

Okay, that was a lie. But my real family is here including my grandma Margie. Hi grandma. They all came up here from Delaware, which is where I’m from. Thank you. I was actually voted the most famous person from Delaware. I beat Joe Biden. That’s a fact. And he was pissed. He was livid. Look at this video, he sent me.

[Cut to a real video of Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Aubrey, you’re the most famous person out of Delaware and there’s no question about that. We’re just grateful you made it out of white lotus alive.

[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: I’m so happy to be back here in 30 rock. When I was in college, I actually worked here as an NBC page. And that is true. Take a look at that. [there’s a picture of Aubrey Plaza from the past] Yep, there I am. So cute. I worked with the set design team here at SNL, the guys who make all these amazing sets for the show. And I’ve got to tell you, yeah, they win Emmys, they win Tony’s and they’re some of the sickest perverts I’ve ever met. And I’m a freak.

I’m so like most pages, you know, I had to give tours around the building. So you know what I was thinking? Why don’t I take you on a tour right now?

[cheers and applause]

[a man and a woman walks in and puts a coat on her]

Thank you guys. You guys will definitely host SNL someday. Yeah, right. Okay, so this is the historic studio 8H built in 1599 by William Shakespeare. Hey, Danny, how are you? You still a little bitch?

Right here, we have the SNL page desk. Now this is one of the most important jobs at the show, which is why I was never put here. I was what they called ‘a bad page with terrible phone etiquette’. Which was not true by the way. [phone ringing] I’ll get that. Hello, studio 8H. [in british accent] Who? You want to talk to Lorne Michaels, do you? Lorne Michael’s ain’t here, is he? So he’ll tune back to you, ain’t it? Yeah.

That was Sir Paul McCartney. And that’s how you do it.

Oh, here’s a little studio secret. So there used to be this storage closet. And when I was too hungover to finish the tour, I’d be like, “Just wait in here and you can meet Kristen Wiig,” and then I go puke in the bathroom and go home. Oh, look, here it is. I guess Kris never showed up. That’s on her.

Out here is the hallway where all the magic happens. Look, Ken Thompson.

Kenan: Hey. I’m still waiting on my Starbucks order. It was a flat white.

Aubrey Plaza: Okay, Kenan. Well, it’s Aubrey and I’m hosting now. I am not a page anymore.

Kenan: I know. I ordered it in 2004.

Aubrey Plaza: See? Bad page. Next up on the tour is the set design department where I used to work. So on every tour people would ask the same question – Are we gonna see a celebrity? No, you’re gonna see an old security guy eating a sandwich or writer crying because their sketch got cut. Famous people don’t just-

Amy: Hi Aubrey.

Aubrey Plaza: Hi, Amy. How are you?

Amy: Great.So Aubrey, I see that you’re wearing your page jacket. Are you drinking again?

Aubrey Plaza: Of course, I am. And I was just going to the set design office to see those old perverts

Amy: Aubrey, it’s not nice to call people old. Oh my god, you stole my wallet. That’s my girl.

Aubrey Plaza: Hey guys, Keith, Leo, Joe, did you guys miss me? Hey Leo, when I was showing up an hour late and barely working? Did you ever expect to see me hosting the show?

Leo: We always believed in you, Avery.

Aubrey Plaza: That’s right. So bow to your queen. Oh, that feels so good. Now, that’s the the fastest way back to the stage? Oh my god. Hats off, you guys. Those guys work miracles. And the biggest miracle of all is that they let me back in the building. Oh my god. I’m so happy to be here. I really did work here and I’ve dreamed my entire life of standing on this stage and saying we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]

[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Robert Durst Dies New Maya Angelou Quarter

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Robert Durst at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir who murdered his friend and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. [picture changes to three children of Donald J. Trump]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a coin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The late Maya Angelou has become the first black woman featured on the quarter, which is not what black people mean when we demand change.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a phone at left top of the corner.]

Colin Jost: Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor.

[Picture changes to Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Domino’s chicken wings at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, royal duties. Domino’s is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals and I really wish I’d known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe. Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a bar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering on site COVID tests for customers. They plan to use a much less invasive technique where they sort of just grind around the outside.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taco Bell– This is a terrible transition. Oh god. Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco every day for $Colin Jost0 a month. Which kind of sounds like an insult in a rap battle. This bitch so fast he got a subscription to tacos.

Weekend Update Elmo and Rocco

Michael Che

Elmo… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Elmo was trending last week after clips of his feud with a pet rock named Rocco went viral. Here to comment is Elmo.

[Elmo slides in]

Elmo: Hey. Hi, everybody’s. Hello, Michael. [singing] La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, SNL, yeah!

Michael Che: Well, thank you for being here, Elmo.

Elmo: Oh, of course. SNL is my favorite. Maybe one day Elmo can host?

Michael Che: Maybe. Yeah. Now, Elmo, everybody has been talking about your beef with your friends Zoe’s pet rock, Rocco. You know, there’s all these clips of you going on crazy, unhinged rants about how Rocco’s not real.

Elmo: Okay, okay. Look. Elmo admit Elmo overreacting. And Elmo has already apologized in a long Instagram post. Elmo really can move on.

Michael Che: Well, that’s great to hear Elmo, because we were actually about to bring out a surprise guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Rocco.

[Someone bring in the Rocco (a small rock placed on a chair) on the Weekend Update table]

Elmo: What? Why does Rocco get a chair?

Michael Che: Because Rocco’s our guest, Elmo.

Elmo: Rocco? Rocco doesn’t need a chair. Rocco doesn’t even have legs. Rocco’s a rock. What is Rocco doing here?

Michael Che: Well, he was in the building getting the COVID test.

Elmo: What? How? How is Rocco getting a COVID test? Tell Elmo. Rocco doesn’t even have a nose. Rocco doesn’t even have a respiratory system.

Michael Che: Ay, look. SNL requires all visitors to get tested.

Elmo: Why is Rocco visiting SNL?

Michael Che: Oh, we wanted him to get a feel of the place before he hosts next month.

Elmo: What?

[An Instagram post of SNL appears where it’s written “FEB 19, Rocco, Rocco”.]

Michael Che: Oh, you see? Yes.

Elmo: Rocco is host and musical guest? [yelling] How?

Michael Che: [pulls Rocco near] Hold on. What’s that Rocco? [giggling] Yeah. That’s kind of true. Elmo do be doing that.

Elmo: Don’t gaslight Elmo. Come on, Mike. Elmo feel that Elmo going insane here.

Michael Che: You know, I really like this dude, man. Here, man. Have a cookie. [Michael Che puts a cooking on the small chair or Rocco]

Elmo: Can Elmo have a cookie?

Michael Che: Nah, I’m sorry man. That’s my last one.

Elmo: The last cookie? [starts shivering] The last cookie! It’s happening again. [shouting] Ah! Okay. That’s it! Paper covers rock. Prepare to die Rocco! [puts a paper on the rock and pushes it away]

Michael Che: Oh! Come on, man! Rocco’s family is here. [Cut to few rocks placed on audience seat]

Elmo: Elmo give up. I’m sorry.

Michael Che: Rocco, everybody.

Elmo: Rocco? But Elmo was the one who was your guest.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Bidens Agenda Stalls

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, just like everybody else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolutions fell apart in the third week of January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the Voting Rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low, it’s gone into power save mode. But I will point out there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term. Yet he became an inspiration to generations of Republicans even to this day. I’m talking of course about Jefferson Davis. President of the Confederacy. And there are still statues of him and 10 different states, which come to think of it probably explains why the Voting Rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. Unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. [picture changes to covid rate chart]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta where he called on the Senate to pass two voting rights bill saying, “I am tired of being quiet.” And the prove it, he took a 20 minutes standing nap.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seen here losing the battle with his breakfast burrito, criticized President Biden speech on voting rights calling it beneath his office. Coincidentally, beneath his office it’s also where McConnell buries the homeless men he hunts for sport.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of republican elephant logo at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized for blocking the Voting Rights bill but of course Republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair, they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression, it’s that we’ll never have to hear Republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say “Fo Shizzel”. Frankly, no one wants to hear me say it either. But it’s too late. It’s already a GIF.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Leader of the Oathkeepers Stewart Rhodes has been arrested and charged with seditious conspiracy in connection with the January 6 attack. But I don’t know. He looks pretty remorseful. Hopefully he can patch things up. That wasn’t an eye joke. I was being genuine. Rhodes is being accused of messaging his right wing group with instructions on how to use force to attack the Capitol. Authorities knew that messages were from Rhodes because they all began with [like pirates] “Arr Mete”. That’s not what that was. That wasn’t an eye joke at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Fauci and Roger Marshall at left top corner.

Colin Jost: It wasn’t an eye joke.

Michael Che: No, it wasn’t an eye joke.

Colin Jost: During a Senate committee hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, “Hey, what’s that word mean?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis said this week that getting vaccinated against COVID is a moral obligation. Especially since priests work so closely with kids. That wasn’t an eye joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Delta Airlines said that this winter’s COVID surge cost them more than $400 million in canceled flights after 8000 employees caught Coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open.

Winter Formal

Donna… Sarah Sherman

Ron… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Ron And Donna’s Lacatza’s Formal Emporium commercial]

Donna: Oh-oh, there’s a nip in the air and everything’s dead. You know what that means?

Ron: It’s time for the most important day of your daughter’s life, her high school winter formal.

Donna: And if you want her to have an amazing time, call us Ron and Donna’s Lacatza. Our formal Emporium is your one stop shop for all your daughter’s school dance needs.

Ron: We’ve got corsages fresh from our garden.

Donna: We’ve got dresses that are as pretty as she is, depending on the girl.

Ron: And if you’re worried about your daughter having sex after the dance, don’t be. We have the perfect solution.

Donna: She can take our Shawn Donovan. Because Donovan…

Donna and Ron: Wouldn’t know where to start.

Shawn: Aw, come on.

Donna: We’ll also provide her with a photographer who will take gorgeous photos.

Ron: And a limousine that we made out of two gorgeous Toyota Corollas.

Donna: And we our sweaty Shawn, your daughter is guaranteed to remain un-penetrated.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a La-Costa promise.

Shawn: Um, maybe one day.

Ron: He’s not gonna try anything. The dude gets nervous shaking his grandma’s hand.

Donna: And he’s a lazy wiper. You can smell it.

Ron: And if you’re worried about what might go on at the after party, don’t be. Donovan’s got you covered. He medically can’t stay up past Donna0PM.

Shawn: When I get tired, I freak out.

Donna: Yum! Donovan’s just one of those kids who’s got one huge computer and two ugly friends.

Shawn: Shout out Scotty and Gavin.

Ron: Enough about off putting baby boy. Let’s talk to some satisfied customers.

Heidi: I rented a dress and I got a compliment from Jason Brzezinski.

Melissa: I rented a limo and me and my friends felt like rockstars.

Ariana: I rented Donovan and on the way there, he sat up front with the driver. And he had crowns on his lips the whole night.

Ron: Yes, you see, our boy’s always got something on his lips.

Donna: Gary, Gary, zoom in on those lip.

Ron: Yeah, yeah, zoom in. [camera zooms in to Donovan’s lips] Oh! That white stuff. What is it? Is it cream cheese?

Shawn: No. Let’s just say my mouth is like this.

Donna: Who’s giving you Cream cheese, huh? I’m sorry, sweetheart. Were you still going on about some over there?

Ariana: Oh, um, yeah. Well, he didn’t dance the whole night and then he went nuts to get low.

[Starts shouting and dancing]

Shawn: To the sweat drop down in my balls!

Sorry.

Ariana: And then he got too hot and changed into like, a Los Pollos Hermanos t-shirt. Like, what even is that?

Shawn: I told you a million times. It’s the restaurant from Breaking Bad.

Ron: And if you’re somehow you’re still not convinced that our son is some secret Casanova, may we direct your attention to his clinical swamp ass.

[Shawn’s pants are wet]

Shawn: Oh, no. Don’t spin me around.

Donna: Gary, zoom in to his wet little ass.

Ron: Yeah, zoom in, Gary. Look at his ass.

Donna: Gary, zoom.

Ron: It’s so soupy.

Donna: It’s wet, Gary.

Ron: It’s so soupy. We don’t mean to embarrass you, Donovan, but it looks like you pissed yourself from the back.

Donna: How did he end up like this?

Ron: Well, parenting is so hard.

Donna: And I drank while I was pregnant.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a Lacatza promise.

Shawn: What is? w

[music starts playing]

Ron: Oh my god. That’s my boy’s song.

Shawn: Ay, I love this song.

Donna: So, stop by today. We do not have a website and we barely have a phone

Urkel Reboot

[Starts with video clips from the trailer]

Male voice: This week Peacocke dropped the trailer for Bel Air. Executive producer Will Smith’s modern dramatic reimagining of the Fresh Prince story.

Smith: This time we’re trying to make you forget where you came from.

Male voice: Now, we’re proud to debut the trailer for the next 90’s show about the black experience to be given a serious high stakes remake.

Urkel: Chicago. People from outside call it Chiraqu. But I call it home. Around here, ain’t no good news in the newspapers page. Only advantage I got, my mind. That don’t count for much nice streets. Because out here, you gotta make your own name.

Male voice: From executive Producers Jaleel White and  Kevin Fenley, writer of The Family Matters episode, “Urkel accidently switches bodies with the president.”

Kyle: Ooh! Ay! Look at Tina, she thick.

Urkel: There’s only one girl for me, y’all. Who Laura Winslow? That bougie neighbor girl?

Male voice: The Goofy characters you loved in the 90s with absolutely none of the fun or charm.

[Urkel is on Laura’s door]

Urkel: Flowers my pet.

Laura: Steve, it ain’t like that between us. I’m not your pet.

Urkel: I love you.

[Laura’s dad interrupts]

Laura’s Dad: What are you? Deaf, Steve? She ain’t interested. Now, get the hell out of here.

Laura: You hard on that boy dad. No life ain’t been easy for him. Father’s gone. Mothers are drunk.

Urkel’s mom: When are you gonna stop working on that stupid robot and make some money for the family?

Urkel: What family?

Urkel’s mom: I raised a damn nerd.

Male voice: A young genius alone in the world.

[Urkel seeks Laura in the bed with Andrew. He destroys the robot he’s making.]

Urkel: [at Andrew’s door] You don’t love her!

Andrew: No. But I love how she makes it clap. [Urkel punches Andrew] Oh, you broke my nose.

Urkel: Did I do that? [Urkel starts beating up Andrew] Did I do that? [Urkel pulls up a gun] What if I shot you in the face? Should I do that?

[Laura’s dad comes. He’s a police]

Laura’s dad: Drop the gun, Steve.

Male voice: RollingStone writes “Family matters is the number one worst choice for a sitcom to modernize like this one.” Entertainment Weekly adds this gift of Kevin Hart. Looking horrified.

Laura’s dad: You pull a gun out on kid, Steve. Steve Urkel I know is way too smart for that hood nonsense.

Urkel: Y’all don’t know what it’s like down here.

Laura’s dad: Son, I’ve been a Chicago cop for 20 years.

[Cut to Laura’s dad interrogating Mikey]

Laura’s dad: Where’s the girl?

Mikey: Go to hell, pig.

Laura’s dad: Pig? [he hurts mikey] Oink, oink, bitch!

[Cut back to Laura’s dad with Urkel]

Laura’s dad: If you continue down this path, you’re gonna wind up dead or locked up by your 18th birthday.

Urkel: Ain’t nobody gonna care if I’m gone. I ain’t got a family.

Laura’s dad: You’re wrong, Steve. The Winslow’s are your family. And family [bleep] matters.

Male voice: Urkel, streaming this spring on Peacock.

Sappho

Mikey Day

Joanne Drunk…Kate McKinnon

Reena Merlyn…Ariana DeBose

[Starts with Mikey speaking on a podium]

Mikey: Welcome, everyone. On behalf of the classic studies department here at Cornell, thank you for joining us at this highly anticipated sold out free lecture. And thank you again for the grant from our corporate sponsor Fage yogurt. Fage, Be careful when you say it. Our guest lecturers today are here to enlighten us about Sappho ,ancient Greek poetess from the Isle of Lesbos. Welcome Joanne Druk and Reena Merlyn.

[Joanne and Reena walk in]

Joanne: Until now, Sappho’s poems about lesbian love have survived only in incomplete yet tantalizing fragments,

Reena: For example, “Lavender fields, weeping she left me.”

Joanne: Or my personal favorite, “I have of girls.”

Reena: But now, thanks to a recent unearthing of a buried scroll room on the Isle of Lesbos…

Joanne: Caused by the tragic crash of a rogue Rosie O’Donnell family cruise all survivors…

Reena: We now have Sappho’s complete poems, which capture the timeless beauty of love between women.

Mikey: Oh, hazhar. Any lover of ancient Greek literature is as hard as a statue of Adonis right now. Give us the translations, please.

Joanne: Will do. We begin.

“Wind in mountains.
Eyes of goldenrod.
We broke up, Helena.
Please get your sandals out of here.”

Reena: And now…

“Golden raisins.
River banks.
Nancy, we just met
You’re scary and a bitch.
Move in with me.”

Joanne: And then there’s this of course.

“Olive juice drips.
Sun touched.
We cannot get another dog.
We are maxed out on dogs.
That being said, I found a pregnant feral cat behind the grocery store. Pleeease?”

Mikey: Wow. Her work is timeless. Does anyone have any questions?

Chris: It feels like maybe your personal lives are influencing the translation.

Joanne: No. No. I don’t know anyone named Nancy.

Reena: No. Me either. Not anymore. Let’s continue.

Joanne: Thank you.

“You satisfy our passion.
The Aegean beckons.
Why don’t gay guys invite us to their events?
Are we not fun?
Don’t answer that.”

Reena: “Woven garlands.
Greek tree.
Nancy, you moved in three weeks ago.
It has been hell.
Marry me.”

Joanne: And we found this one the most stirring of all.

“I don’t care if Helen of Generes was mean.
She did a lot.
You think James of Corden is a walk in the park?”

Chris: I’m sorry, has this been peer, reviewed or published?

Joanne: Uh, yes, we were married.

Chris: That’s not what I asked.

Reena: Well, now, the cave not only contained poems, but also artifacts which help us recreate Sapphos life.

Joanne: An ancient drinking vessel.

Reena: A toga with suspenders.

Joanne: And here’s a vase with the face of some kind of ancient Greek goddess, we think of hotness.

Chloe: That is Gillian Anderson from the X Files and I think you’ve made that.

Joanne: What? What? What do you want me to do? You want me to prove I can speak ancient Greek? Fine. Gog Kakaako. Go omega omega. Maria Menounos. Sakala Karna keys Omicron Omicron. And so on.

Mikey: I’m sorry to say, that was not ancient Greek at all. Folks, these translations may not be legitimate. So show me a fragment. I’ll translate it myself.

Joanne: All right.

Mikey: “I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountainous,
I looked to the children,
I drank from the–”

You know what? They were right.

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938]

[Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs