Tag: episode 12

Weekend Update on End of Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at left top corner.]

Well, Monday, Chuck Schumer saw his shadow which means we have three more weeks of government. The shutdown is temporarily over until February 8. So, that means, these guys have 12 days left to solve all of immigration. I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even trust them to get out of an escape room in 12 days. Also, Schumer only agreed to this temporary deal because Mitch McConnell promised to finally address the issue of Dhaka. But trusting Mitch McConnell to keep a promise is like trusting Stevie Wonder to perform a briss.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Schumer said that before his meeting with president Trump on immigration reform, he insisted that White House advisor [Picture changes to Steven Miller] Steven Miller not be allowed in the room. But Miller usually scatters away whenever someone turns the lights on. Coz he looks like a roach. Steven Miller looks like he has a sex doll name ‘Mother.’ Doesn’t he look like the guy in ‘Ghost’ that yells, “Get off my train.” [Picture changes to Steven Miller and Vincent Schiavelli from ‘Ghost’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump

Colin Jost: President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So, he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation. It’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a Keig stand. My concern at this point is that Trump tries to obstruct justice so often and so publicly that he doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. I mean, no one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Coz, at this point, it’s just what he does. Also, like the Hamburglar, Trump is basically a Hamburglar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump’s lawyer Ty Cobb had to tell the president that the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean calm him down? You shouldn’t have to do that to a president. That’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. “Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.” I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever tried to press door close on somebody in an elevator but they make it anyway? And now you got to talk to Colin about white golfers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At the world economic forum in Davos, Switzerland, Trump was asked if he tried to fire Mueller. And this was Trump’s defense.

[Cut to Colin Jost walking. The media is asking him questions.]

Press: Did you try to fire Robert Mueller?

Donald Trump: [holding his hand up to his mouth as he’s whispering] Fake news, folks. Fake news.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why are you holding up your hand like that? It doesn’t work if you’re talking on full volume into a television camera. I think he probably saw all word leaders whispering like this whenever he entered a room. And he just thought it was like a cool European thing. He also probably thinks that [Colin Jost circles his index finger around his head side. Normally used to say ‘crazy’.] this means, “This guy has got a great idea.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Paul Kagame]

While in Davos, Trump also met with the president of Rwanda just a week after Trump used the vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and hold him not to scratch the finish.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI and republicans’ elephant logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut right to the black guy. Republicans have begun blaming a secret society with in FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And you know what? I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me because he constantly reaffirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense. Like, “The media is lying. The FBI is trying to do me like they did Tupac.” And I’m like, “They did kill Tupac, didn’t they?”

Weekend Update on Baboons Escaping Paris Zoo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s pictures of monkeys and Eiffel tower at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Paris zoo was evacuated on Friday after dozens of baboons escaped their enclosure. [in loud voice] Starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson. [Picture changes to a cover picture of the movie ‘Baboon Escape’.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: US customs and border protection agents are being criticized after they arrested a woman on a greyhound bus in Florida who did not have identification proving her citizenship. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re on a greyhound bus in Florida, it’s for things to get worse.

[Picture changes to Super bowl logo]

The Philadelphia Eagles will face the New England Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl making it the first super bowl where the fans have even worse brain damage than the players. Yeah. The Giants.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a camel at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least a dozen camels participating in Saudi Arabia’s camel beauty pageant have been disqualified because their owners injected their lips with botox. But other than that, it was just a perfectly normal camel beauty pageant.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World]

A Brooklyn man who needed a kidney transplant found one after spending a week at Disney World wearing a shirt with his kidney request which explains why Goofy woke up in a bathtub full of ice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a shirtless oiled up man at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some Olympic fans are excited after it was announced that Tonga shirtless oiled up flag bearer from the summer games has also qualified for the upcoming winter Olympics, where he’ll be the first guy to do the luge without needing a sled.

[Picture changes to Bacardi and Patrol logos]

Bacardi rum announced that they are merging with Patrol tequila. But I thought Bacardi and Patron had already merged to form Pitbull. [Picture changes to the rapper Pitbull.]

Weekend Update Jacob Silj on World Economic Forum

Colin Jost

Jacob Silj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump spoke in the World Economic Forum on Thursday emphasizing his administration’s ‘America First’ policy. Joining us now to shed further light on the President’s message is the senior economic’s fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies at Georgetown, Jacob Silj.

[Jacob Silj slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jacob Silj: [speaking like he has memorized it] Thank you, Colin. The Trump White House sent the world mixed messages last week about the strength of the dollar. But the president speech made one thing crystal clear. Multilateralism will not–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, yeah, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to interrupt.

Jacob Silj: What is it, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s that. It’s just that you’re so, you know–

Jacob Silj: Passionate about this issue? Guilty as charged, Colin. Throw the book at me. And make sure that book is about the responsible custodianship of American global economic responsibilities.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t– You don’t have to shout.

Jacob Silj: Oh, my god! You did not seriously tell me to stop shouting.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. I did. You’re just being really, really loud.

Jacob Silj: Unbelievable. In this day and age, I happen to suffer from voice immodulation syndrome. A condition that prevents me from controlling the volume at which I speak. Voice immodulation syndrome, or VIS has been diagnosed in over zero people the United States alone. And while there still is no cure, laboratory rats with VIS do not exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yes. Yeesh! I got it.

Jacob Silj: Yeesh? Yeesh? Is this funny to you? I thought we were pass this. Is a wheel chair funny? Not unless there’s an injured clown in it. How about slavery, Colin? Is that funny to you? Maybe you’d like to sell your co-host over there [pointing at Michael Che] to one of your rich Harvard friend.

Michael Che: Ay! We don’t need to go there, man!

Jacob Silj: Excuse me, Michael Che. But I’m having a private quiet conversation with Colin right now.

Michael Che: Except can hear you.

Jacob Silj: Because I have a disease.

Colin Jost: Okay. Maybe you could just try to say some of the stuff in your head. No offense.

Jacob Silj: None taken. Geez, Jost, did that wig come with the suit? Good to know you have five dollars.

Colin Jost: Okay. This is my real hair, Jacob.

Jacob Silj: Everything after “None taken” was muttered under breath, Colin. You couldn’t hear it.

Colin Jost: Okay. I think we might have gotten off track a little bit.

Jacob Silj: Because of your insensitivity. Put yourself in my shoes, Colin. My life has been a waking nightmare. Imagine a childhood of crushing loneliness. Now, imagine that you’re older. And you actually find a woman who is able to see past your disease. And love the man inside. Then you go to make love for the first time. And there are your sex noises.

Colin Jost: No, we don’t need it.

[Jacob Silj is making his sex noises]

Jacob Silj: Years later, imagine you’re at the gym and there’s a male dancer working out. And you say to yourself, “Boy, I’d switch for him.” He hears you. Then he admits he’s attracted to you too. Next thing you know, you’re telling that wonderful wife of 20 years that you’re going to the gym but you’re really going to Troy’s apartment. You’re cheating on her with a man all because you can’t control how loud you talk.

Colin Jost: Wow! Well, yes. That sounds– That sounds very embarassing.

Jacob Silj: Very, Colin. Very embarassing.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Jacob Silj, thank you for joining us.

Jacob Silj: [finally speaking in normal voice] My pleasure, Colin.

Colin Jost: Jacob Silj, everyone!

The House with Will Ferrell

Bryan… Beck Bennett

Brad… Will Farrell

David… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Bryan and Brad playing cards in their house]

Bryan: I won. Thanks for teaching me how to play cards.

Brad: It’s one of my favorite games.

[Bryan looks at his watch]

Bryan: Oh, wow! It’s almost time for movie night. I’m gonna get in something more comfortable since we’ll be lounging around.

Brad: Sweet.

[Bryan and Brad hug and Bryan walks away.]

[David slowly walks in]

David: Hey, Brad. Playing cards?

Brad: Yeah.

David: Well, we should get going soon if we’re gonna catch a movie at the theater for movie night.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Say what? David thinks we’re gonna watch a movie at the theaters. Bryan and I though we’re gonna watch one at the house. This could be drama, people.

[Cut to Brad in the hosue]

Brad: Dude, can we talk?

David: Um, sure.

[Cut to David narrating]

David narrating: Talk? I need answers. Like, yesterday.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: It’s about movie night.

[David takes a seat]

David: Alright. What about it?

Brad: It’s just that Bryan and I thought we’d watch a movie here.

[David gets disappointed]

[Cut to David narrating]

David narrating: Como se di’ se, what the hell?

[Cut to Brad and David]

David: But I bought us these tickets. [showing three tickets]

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: I did not see that coming.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: I’m sorry, David. I didn’t know.

David: I think I should leave.

[David stands and starts walking away]

Brad: Wait, David. I think going to the movies… [David turns around] is a great idea. Thanks for buying the tickets.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Yes! Movie night is back on. David is one of my favorite guys in the house. I can’t wait to get to know him more.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: Do you know how to play cards?

David: No.

Brad: Let me teach you.

[Brad starts teaching David how to play cards. Bryan walks in with a bowl full of pop-corn.]

Bryan: It’s movie time. [Bryan looks at Brad and David] Wait, David. Why are you wearing a jacket?

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, folks. This could get bumpy.

[Cut to the house]

Brad: Byna, I think we need to talk.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Okay. Let’s back it up here. Is anyone gonna tell me what the hell is happening right now?

[Cut to the house]

Brad: I wanna tell you what’s happening right now. Something happened earlier that you should know about.

[Cut to flashbacks of the conversation Brad and David had when Bryan was not there.]

[Cut to the house]

Bryan: Wait. We’re going to the movies? But I’m wearing shorts.

[David stands]

David: And that’s why, we need to talk.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: And we have lift off.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Okay. Looks like the specials today are drama, drama, and more drama.

[Cut to Tracy Morgan narrating]

Tracy Morgan: You gotta remember, I’m still taking my nap.

[Cut to the house]

David: The reason I wanted to talk to you is I wanna know if you put on some pants and go to the movie theater with us.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Yup, this is officially my life.

[Cut to the house]

Bryan: The answer to your question is… [Bryan and David looking at each other] No. Because I’m fine being a little chilly in the theater.

[happy song playing. They all hug it out.]

Female voice: Coming up on The House, Sonoma, season seven… ty five hundred… thousand.

[Cut to Brad opening the door to go to the movies. There is a woman and a boy outside of the door.]

Woman: Are you Brad Clay?

Brad: Yeah.

Woman: This is your son.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Survey says, drama!

[Cut to a dog narrating]

[dog is barking. The subtitle says “Just what I needed, more drama…”.]

Boy: Hi.

[Cut to Boy narrating]

Boy narrating: Holy fuc**.

Reality Stars

Bart… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Tina… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Will Farrell

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]

Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?

Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.

Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.

Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.

Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.

[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]

Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.

Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.

Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.

[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]

Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.

[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]

Bart: Oh, you meant that.

Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my  .

Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.

Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.

Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?

Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.

Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.

Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.

Kate: Oh, wow.

Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.

Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?

Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.

Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.

Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.

Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.

Cecily and Will: Aww.

Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?

Cecily and Will: No.

Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.

Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.

Will: So grounded.

Cecily: Being back here, right?

Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?

Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?

Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?

Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.

Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.

Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.

[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]

Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action!

[Kate and Tina sit down.]

Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.

Tina: What?

Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.

Tina: Excuse me?

Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.

Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.

Will: Yeah, Tina.

Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.

Will: Exactly, Tina.

Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.

Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.

Mikey: What is happening?

Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.

Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?

Tina: I didn’t know.

Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.

Mikey: It’s chicken.

Will: Bart, what is this?

Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.

Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.

Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.

Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.

Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.

Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?

Will: Oh, yes, please.

Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?

Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.

Office Breakroom

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Jason… Will Farrell

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[starts with office colleagues getting lunch]

Cecily: Oh, I know. It’s impossible to find any vegan food in this town.

Chris: Ah! But who wants to be vegan in the south with all that delicious fried food?

Jason: Guys, time out. I have a story about the south and it’s foods. Um, gosh. How do I start this? Um, I’ll just dive right in. So, I’m taking a road trip and we stop at a Crate and Barrel. And I tell the waitress, “Hey, I’m on a diet. Is there anything in the menu you’d suggest?” And she’s like, “Sugar pie, you’re in Crate and Barrel. Even our menus have butter all over them.”

Alex: Um, Jason, I think you mean Cracker Barrel. Not Crate and Barrel.

Jason: What are you saying?

Heidi: Yeah. I was also confused. I think you meant Cracker Barrel, the kind of country restaurant.

Chris: Yeah. Not Crate and Barrel, the fine sort of upper middle range furniture place.

Jason: Oh, okay.

Cecily: Yeah. Like, if you walk into a Crate and Barrel and ask for a biscuit, they’ll be like, “We don’t have that but we have ottomans.”

[everybody laughing]

Jason: I said, okay! I made a mistake. I walked into a restaurant. It had crates and barrels for their decor. Some shovels here and there. Some little signs saying quint little things. But predominantly, barrels and crates. So maybe we can let it go.

Cecily: Yeah. Um, oh, anyway, I saw the new Jumanji. They go into a video game.

Alex: Yeah. I liked it when it was a board game.

Jason: I’m not from the south, okay? Or from a Crate and Barrel kind of place. So, forgive me for making an honest mistake about something that clearly means a lot to all of you. I’m still figuring everything out.

Heidi: Jason, let it go.

Jason: You know what? You’re awful. All of you are awful.

Chris: Okay. Calm down, man.

Jason: This office is so clicky.

Chris: We- we have moved on, Jason.

Jason: [to Chris] You brought a nasty, nasty prostitute to the holiday party.

Chris: Jason, that was my daughter.

Jason: Oh, okay. So now, you know what it feels like to make a mix up? Now, you can feel the deep shame I felt when I mixed up the two restaurants.

Chris: Okay. One is a restaurant and one is a furniture place. And I didn’t mix anything up. Okay?

Alex: Yeah. You really gotta drop this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Jason: Speaking of molehills, you don’t wear condoms.

Heidi: Jason, you don’t know that.

Jason: I’ve seen it.

Alex: You haven’t seen anything, man.

Jason: Okay. But now you know what I’m going through.

Heidi: Wait, what? No, you can’t compare mixing up Crate and Barrel with Crackle Barrel for him being sexually reckless.

Alex: What? Ay! It’s not reckless if everyone involved is cool with it, right?

Heidi: Um, okay. This is silly. Let’s just get back to work and forget.

Jason: I quit!

Cecily: This is your company. You’re our boss. You can’t quit.

Jason: Yes, I can. I’m quitting. And I’m taking all of my pens. All of them. And I’m leaving like an idiot. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Here I go. Dummy off to have a big southern meal at Cracker Barrel because I’m so stupid. I don’t even know that Cracker Barrel actually sells nicely designed furnishings for modern interiors.

Chris: Oh, Jason, you’re talking about Crate and Barrel.

Jason: Wait, what?

Cecily: You just– you did it again.

Jason: Really? Well, guess what. You’re never gonna find your birth parents.

Cecily: I’m not adopted. I know who my parents are.

Jason: Well, all I’ll say is that, you know, life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of. I won’t be back. Alright? P.S., not coming back. I’m off to find a new life without ridicule. Goodbye. And I’m taking this. [Jason carries the jar of drinking water. He’s spilling water all over the place.] I paid for the water. Geez. What a day? What a great day.

Alex: Man, what the hell is wrong with him?

[Jason is looking at them from behind]

Cecily: I don’ know. You know, I don’t even know why I’m married to him. But he’s my husband and I love him.

Next- For Men

Will Farrell

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Will Farrell inside an elevator. A woman is walking from far.]

Woman: Hey, hey, hold the door.

[Will Farrell holds the door. His armpits are sweating a lot.]

Male voice: You’re a man. And men sweat. In all sorts of stressful situations.

[Cut to Will Farrell walking in office]

Will Farrell: Yeah, I’m a guy. The way I sweat, my regular deodorant just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I work hard, I play hard. And something’s coming out about me real soon. Because I’m [showing the product ‘Next’] Next.

Male voice: Introducing Next. The only antiperspirant for men who are feeling the heat. Because their time’s up.

Kyle: In my life of work, sweat comes with the job. And ever since those rumors came out about me, it got a lot worse. [Kyle walks to the Stand Up comedy stage] [on mic] Hey, how’s everybody doing tonight?

[Cut to the audience. Everyone is getting a notification. They look at it. There’s a news article with Kyle’s photo saying ‘Not so funny: 8 women accuse stand up of harassment.’]

Oh, boy. It’s happening. But not under here. [showing his armpit]

[Cut to Alex walking on the red carpet]

Alex: As an actor, I need an antiperspirant that’s gonna keep working with me. Because no one else will.

[Alex runs into an interviewer]

Interviewer: What do you say about these allegations?

Alex: Um, lots of women are brave but this one is a liar. And no comment. [Alex raises his hand to show his armpit] Wow, no sweat.

Male voice: For when the truth comes out about you, Next gives you clinical strength antiperspirant.

[Cut to Will Farrell walking in his office]

Will Farrell: And just a little bit of Klonopin, these next few weeks are gonna sting.

[Will Farrell walking into the elevator. He is carrying his stuffs from the office in a box. Looks like he’s fired.]

Kate: You’re disgusting.

Will Farrell: But my pits aren’t. I got fired.

Male voice: Next. Brought to you by– [notification alert sound] Oh boy, they got me.

George W. Bush Returns Cold Open

George W. Bush… Will Farrell

Constance L. Rice… Leslie Jones

[Starts with George W. Bush in White House.]

Male voice: And now, a message from the former president of the United States.

George W. Bush: Good evening. Thank you. It is I, George W. Bush. And you remember, the W stands for “Whats up?” I know what you’re thinking. What the heck is this handsome devil doing back in the Oval Office? Well, the truth is this is just a set. I had it built in my basement in Texas so I could pretend to still be president sometimes. You know, the way a cop might retire but he still fires his gun into the woods behind his house. These are my woods. And this is my gun. [George W. Bush pulls out a plastic water gun.] Yeah. I’ve been trying to drink more water and this makes it fun.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve read the news lately. I certainly have not. I’ve been too busy doing oil paintings. Actually, getting my MFA from the University of Phoenix online. And yeah, it’s paying off. Big time. I call this one, [George W. Bush pulls out a painting where a dog is kept in the hot air balloon] Doggie goes to space. Like I was saying, I don’t know if you’ve seen the news, but according to a new poll, my approval rating is at an all time high. That’s right. Donnie cute Trump came in and suddenly I’m looking pretty sweet by comparison. At this rate, I might even end up in Mt. Rushmore right next to Washington, Lincoln, and I wanna say Kenjington. I don’t know. But the point is I’m suddenly popular AF. And a lot of people are saying, “Man, I wish George W. Bush was still our president right about now.” So, I just wanted to address my fellow Americans tonight and remind you guys that I was really bad. Like, historically not good. So, I get why you don’t like this current guy. Heck, I voted for Jill Stein all the way. But please, do not look back at presidency and think, [singing] “This is how we do it.” Don’t forget we’re still in two different wars that I started.

Hey, what has two thumbs and created ISIS? [pointing at himself with his two thumbs] This guy. And hey, at least stock market’s doing well now. You ever seen a graph of the stock market during my presidency? It’s the only graph that comes with it’s own slide whistle sound effect. Take a look.

[George W. Bush shows a graph of Stock market during his presidency. The economic trend is shown falling vastly. The sound effect of falling down in cartoons play.]

Stock market’s at 26,000 right now. I had you guys down to a cook 8k. Now, I’m not economer, but even I know that was no boino. And you wanna compare VPs for a sec? I’ve heard some complaints about Mike Pence. But if you have to stuff all chain he was up to, you’d take no cakes for days in a heartbeat. Some say Mike Pence is heartless. But remember, Dick Cheney was literally heartless. At this point, it’s just legos in there. You know? And Donald Trump thinks the media hates him? One time in a rocky, a reporter threw an actual shoe at me. He took it office foot, lobbed straight at my noggin. Then he gathered himself, took off the other one and tried it again. But you know what they say. “Shoe me once, shoe’s on you. Shoe me twice, I’m keeping those shoes.”

[cheers and applause]

You know, I feel for Donny. I really do. I’m not a Trump synthesizer or anything, but we have a lot in common. We’re both exact same age even though I was president like, 40 years ago. We’ve both won the election despite losing the popular vote. Though, back in my days, we didn’t let Russians rig our elections. We used the supreme court like Americans. I guess the biggest difference between me and Trump is that I have friends. People actually like me. I mean, have you read this new book Fire And Furbies? Everyone in his own cabinet hates him. I still hang out with my cabinet all the time.

[Constance L. Rice walks in. She has a bag of popcorn in her hand]

Constance L. Rice: Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Oh, hey, Connie Rice? What are you doing here? [cheers and applause] What are you doing here, huh?

Constance L. Rice: I brought pop corn. I thought we could watch our favorite movie again.

George W. Bush: Oh, hell yes. Minions. Can you believe, it got snubbed with Oscars again?

Constance L. Rice: Did I interrupt something?

George W. Bush: No, no, no. I was just addressing my fellow Americans on Twitch and reminiscing about the good old days when we were in charge.

Constance L. Rice: Ah! Yes! Those were the days.

[music playing]

George W. Bush: [singing] Boy, the way the game was played

Constance L. Rice: Everybody knew their place

George W. Bush: Cheney shot a guy in the face

George W. Bush and Constance L. Rice: Those were the days.

Constance L. Rice: He housing market went to hell

George W. Bush: Nazi kept it to themselves

George W. Bush and Constance L. Rice: Bin Laden was alive and well
Those were the days.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Flight Attendants

Spencer… Chris Redd

Sabrina… Aidy Bryant

Gareth… Will Farrell

Luke Null

Leslie Jones

[Starts with the flight attendants speaking to the passengers]

Spencer: Welcome aboard flight 1250-C. Service from Lubbock, Texas to Charleston, South Carolina. My name is Spencer.

Sabrina: I’m Sabrina. And returning to the flight crew this week is Gareth.

Gareth: Hi, y’all. I’m Gareth.

Spencer: Gareth just got back from a month long sabbatical. So, let’s give him a hand.

[everyone is clapping]

Gareth: Oh, stop. You’re making me blush.

Sabrina: Now, typically, this is when you sit though some boring safety demonstration.

Spencer: Argh, snooze fast.

Sabrina: But we like to do things a little different around here.

Spencer: We sure do. Someone give us a beat.

[Cut to Luke in the passenger seat]

Luke: I mean, I used to beatbox in college. But I don’t know if I can still ever-ever– [Luke starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: Ooh! That’s nice.

[rapping] 1250-C is a real fun flight

We’ll be soaring through the sky like a big old kite

Sabrina: Your crew is Spencer, Sabrina and Gareth
your comfort and safety is what we cherish

Spencer: Fasten your seatbelt and pull them up tight
and don’t unbuckle if you see that light

Sabrina: Be sure to stay seated or you’ll bump your head

Gareth: And god’s not real, when you die, you’re dead

All: Oh, my god!

Spencer: Dammit, Gareth!

Sabrina: Why would you say that?

Spencer: Gareth!

Gareth: They deserve to know.

Spencer: We’re doing a safety rap, dude!

Sabrina: Yeah. Your line was “Exit rows are marked in red.”

Gareth: I’m just preparing them.

Sabrina: For what?

Gareth: The beyond.

Spencer: Um, look folks, we apologize. God is real and Gareth will stick to the rat we agreed on.

Gareth: We are alone in the cosmos and Gareth will rap as he pleases.

Sabrina: Spencer, just ignore him. [to Luke] Sir, would you please bring that beat back in? I thought that was pretty fire.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Thanks. But it’s just something I ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] If you happen to be seating in the exit row
there’s a couple of things we think you should know

Sabrina: Your closest exit might be to the back

Gareth: And afterlife is just a void of black.

Spencer: [yelling at Gareth] Stop doing that!

Gareth: I will not be silenced.

Sabrina: What’s happened to you, Gareth?

Gareth: I woke up, Sabrina. I woke the hell up.

Sabrina: Well, Spencer worked very hard on this rap. So cut it out!

[Cut to Leslie in the passenger seat]

Leslie: Um, yes, I have a question.

Spencer: Yes, ma’am. You are in fact seated in the exit row. yes.

Leslie: Oh, no. My question is for Gareth. So, when you die, you just gone forever?

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Gareth: Bingo!

Sabrina: Ma’am, why?

Gareth: And religion is a delusion that shields us from that im-permanance. If you’re interested, I can recommend several podcasts.

Spencer: Can we please just finish the rap, please? Thank you.

Sabrina: Yeah. I agree. Gareth, the freak show ends now. Okay. Sir, please bring that sweet ass beat back in one more time.

Gareth: It is a very sweet beat.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Really, it’s not that ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] Now, let’s discuss an important task
how to apply your oxygen mask

Sabrina: Look out below when they start to fall
you gotta move quick, there’s no time to stall

Spencer: Strap to the head, pull the tight ends tight

Gareth: Be sure to do your’s before helping your friends

Spencer: Now you all understanding

Sabrina: But you should be doing something in the water landing

Gareth: The cushion on your seat can be used as a float
you can slide down the ramp and into a boat
blood stains the water, and you start to scream
what benivolant god would allow such a thing?

Spencer: [yelling] There is an air Marshall in here at all?

Gareth: [rapping] When I say ‘death is’, you say ‘Final’

Death is

Leslie: Final!

Gareth: Death is…

Leslie: Final!

Spencer: Okay, that’s it. Give me that. [Spencer takes Gareth’s mic away]

[Air Marshall walks in]

Air Marshall: Air Marshall here. [holding Gareth tight] You’re gonna have to take a seat sir. Come on.

Gareth: Okay. Wow. Sic the thought police on me, Adolf. Real nice. Everyone here should read 1984. It’s irrelevant now as forever. You 3-F

Fighter Pilots

Wild Card… Mikey Day

Side Winder… Beck Bennett

Viper… Chris Redd

Clown Penis… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of four fighter planes flying somewhere over the South China sea]

[Cut to Wild Card flying a plane]

Wild Card: Morning, pilots. This is squad leader. We’re about twenty minutes out from the Korean Peninsula. Since we were all scrambled from different bases, go ahead and introduce yourself. I’m Wild Card.

[Cut to Side Winder flying a plane]

Side Winder: Side Winder.

[Cut to Viper flying a plane]

Viper: Viper.

[Cut to Clown Penis flying a plane]

Clown Penis: Clown Penis.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Pilot, you got a little static there. Um, mind repeating that call sign again?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Sure thing. Clown Penis. Clown like, the circus. Penis like, your penis. Lovely day to fly, huh, boys? Clown Penis, over and out.

[Cut to Cecliy in the ground control office listening to the conversation]

Cecliy: Squad, this is Honolulu ground control. Com’s signals are a little spotty. So, we just wanna clarify a couple of things. One, are you guys saying ‘Clown Penis’? And two, why? Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hello, Honolulu. That is affirmative. You are hearing Clown Penis because I am Clown Penis. Over.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Copy. Is this some sort of pilot joke?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: A joke? Ma’am, a pilot’s call sign is very serious. When an enemy sees me on his tail, I want him to feel the fail the same way that you’d feel if a clown showed you his penis. Confused, unsettled and most of all, very, very scared. Rest to sure it, if you see a clown penis, me or an actual clown’s penis, this just ate your day. So, Honolulu, how do you feel about saying Clown Penis now?

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Still weird. Over and out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: I’ve heard worse call signs. Flew with a pilot in academy named ‘Mr. Pick Ass.’

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: You might want to change that to ‘Mr. Corny Ass.’

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hey, guys. Let’s watch our language over the calls please. We’re in the air force. Not the 7th grade. Clown Penis out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Okay. Let’s switch up to stealth formation. Confirm. New position. Over.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Right wing high.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Left wing low.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is upside down.]

Clown Penis: Unintentional upside down I don’t know how I did this. But it’s happening.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Whoa! Clown Penis, you need some help correcting that invert. Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: All good now. Just a little nine seconds of sheer abject terror. Won’t happen again, fellas. Sincerely, your pal, Clown Penis.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Okay, squad, we’re gonna run a pursuit drill here. Increase speed, decline to 50,000 ft. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: You heard her, boys. Engage afterburners.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Wo-hoo! This raft is a worth that price tag.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Side Winder to Wild Card. I don’t see Clown Penis information. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Clown Penis, what is your current position.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He’s now flying over the space.]

Clown Penis: Hard to tell. But looks like I’m where space starts. I have to bow out of this drill, boys. This may take a while to fix. Just saw a satellite. Yeah. And there go the arms. [Clown Penis starts floating inside his plane] Oh, I’m definitely in space, fellas. ON the bright side, can’t get worse than this.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Roger that, Clown Penis. Will alert ground at your situation.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is hanging upside down again.]

Clown Penis: Never mind, guys. It got worse.

[The End]