Tag: episode 16

Zoo Pornographer

Janet Lorado Deekman…Cecily Strong

Alan Overbrook… Bobby Moynihan

Donna Hemming… Scarlett Johansson

Danny Bangs… Mikey Day

Devon… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good morning, good people, good news. It’s “Good day, Denver.”

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook in their set]

Janet Lorado Deekman: It’s 7 AM in Denver on this beautiful sunny day. I’m Janet Lorado Deekman along side Alan “fun tie” Overbrook. [making fun of Alan Overbrook’s yellow tie]

Alan Overbrook: What? Ha-ha-ha. This country is a mess. I thought I would help brighten things up with a fun tie.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah, bright is right! Where are my ray-bans?

Alan Overbrook:  Come on!

Janet Lorado Deekman: Lots going on this morning? But first, let’s check in with our field reporter, Donna Heming who is at the Denver zoo with Danny Bangs. Ah! Cool job alert. Professional animal pornographer.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Janet, Alan, it is a real zoo here. And for once I’m not talking about the i-25. Danny bangs has been photographing animals at the zoo for over 10 years. Now, Danny, how in the heck do you get an animal to smile for a photo?

Danny Bangs: Well, I find “say cheese” just makes them hungry.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman]

Janet Lorado Deekman: I’m sorry to interrupt. I have been told I misspoke and referred to Mr. Bangs as an animal pornographer instead of photographer. So, I’m very sorry. And I want to make it very clear that our guest is an animal photographer. Donna?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: I got you, Janet. Now, Danny, what is the secret to getting that perfect shot?

Danny Bangs: Well, the key is to make the animals feel comfortable. [The subtitle still has Danny Bangs as animal pornographer] I’ll do anything with them to get the shot I’ll play, be silly, even bribe them with treats.

Donna Hemming: Now what if an animal is in a bad mood? I imagine the lions are divas. Ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Well, no matter the mood, I love my job. When I get the call, no matter what animal it is, I always come right away. And if an animal is agitated, I find I still capture very real organic moments because there’s beauty in an animal’s raw natural state.

[Cut to Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: I’m sorry, Donna. Just jumping in real quick to let viewers know that our graphic is incorrect, our guest is an animal photographer. We are going to get that fixed. Why don’t you guys wake up back there? Ha-ha-ha. Back to you, Donna.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Thanks. oh, I see a lot of tweets coming in from the good day Denver live tweeters. You’ve got some fans, Danny.

Danny Bangs: Ooh!

Donna Hemming: @kareninaspen says, “Watching on mute at the gym. What the f is happening?” I guess she can’t believe you have such a cool job. How did you get started?

Danny Bangs: Well, I started with amateur stuff and I would put it online. And National Geographic saw my work, gave me a job and from there, I found my new home here at the Denver Denver Zoo.

Donna Hemming: Wow! We have more tweets here. @zoodarkweb asked, “This dude have any horse stuff?”

Danny Bangs: Sure do. And it’s in all my new book, “The Picture’s a Little Fuzzy: my decade at the Denver Zoo.” It’s very easy to navigate. I did the animals alphabetical. So I started on an Aardvark and finished on a Zebra. Very easy.

Donna Hemming: Well, I encourage everyone to buy the book. Now, a beautiful celebration of a decade’s work. Now, what is it like to work with these cute little baby animals?

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: [interrupting] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let’s not talk about baby animals, Donna.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah. Let’s keep the interview about adult consenting animals and can we please fix the graphics?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Well, okay. This book is filled with amazing snaps, but surely there must have been some misfires.

Danny Bangs: Oh, of course. Once I took about 1,000 pictures of this funny little monkey and I blew it. I got home. I realized there was no film in the camera.

Donna Hemming: Ha-ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Is it okay if I plug my website?

Donna Hemming: Yes, of course. We thought you might want to.

Danny Bangs: Yes, it’s dannybangsanimals.com. Visit it. We just got flagged.

[Devon walks in]

Devon: Pardon me?

Danny Bangs: Oh, Devon, hi. This is Devon. He works at the zoo. He’s a great guy.

Devon: Yeah, don’t touch me.

Danny Bangs: I’m sorry.

Devon: I have been asked to read a statement from the Denver zoo. The Denver zoo does not condone animal pornography in any form. Furthermore, Danny Bangs will no longer have access to animals at the zoo while we investigate the extent of his crimes.

Danny Bangs: Devon, what is this about?

Devon: You know what it’s about, you monster.

[Devon walks out]

Donna Hemming: Well, it certainly is getting wild down here at the Denver zoo. Back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Janet Lorado Deekman: All right. We have to take a quick break. When we return, the white house round-up and more details on the emerging Danny Bangs scandal at the Denver zoo.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of the Trump Administration

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Each week brings a new controversy of President Trump as well as another person who has to defend him to the media. Here to sort them out is Pete Davidson with his First Impressions.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What up? Look, um, defending president Trump is really tough job. [Cut to Pete Davidson] A couple of weeks ago they brought out this guy. [There’s a picture of Steven Millar at right top corner.] Trump spokesman and Janes Bond villain Steve Miller. Poor Steve. He tries to project strength but he looks like Fredo Corleone had been even sicker as a child. Still, you have to give him credit. He’s made it pretty far for guy who is in high school voted “Most likely to have a cigar box full of missing girl’s driver’s licenses.” He lasted about a week. Then they got to deputy White House press secretary, [Picture changes to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet southern girl you marry, if you’re gay. I like that one. [Michael Che laughing] So now, members of congress try to defend Trump, like the head of the house committee on oversight, [Picture changes to Jason Chaffetz] Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember him when he played simple Jack from the movie “Tropic Thunder.” [Picture changes to Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder]

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan who got to be the house after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist dummy. All the republicans wanted Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare. And now he did, everybody hates it. And I know what this is like, because for years, people have been asking me to quit drugs and get sober. And now that I have, everyone thinks I’m very unfunny and boring. [Michael Che laughing] And hey, at least I have dreams now. And I’ve started waking up with boners again.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. [looking at Michael Che] Hard as a rock.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Pete Davidson: But now– [Michael Che laughing hard] Well, maybe not as great as your’s, but whatever. Sorry. But, you know– [Michael Che laughing hard] Sorry. But no one defends Trump better than FOX News. And it starts every morning with “FOX & Friends.” This is Donald Trump’s favorite show because they trade in for a new blond every two years. This year’s model is Ainsley Earhardt, who looks like she’s with her dad’s friends who keep talking about how much she’s grown.

[Picture changes to Sean Hannity]

Of course, the king of Trump supporters if Sean Hannity. He looks like a thumb which explains why he’s so far up Trump’s ass. [cheers and applause] I hate him too. I guess he likes Trump, because his hair is also really weird. And the top of his head looks like two eyebrows got to live their dream of being hair.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Ah! So that’s what it is. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I’m getting boners again.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight!

Weekend Update- Al Franken and Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Al Franken… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.

[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]

Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.

Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.

[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.

Al Franken: That’s overstating.

Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.

Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.

Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?

Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?

Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.

Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.

Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?

Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.

Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?

Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.

Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.

Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Jeff Sessions: Alababy.

Al Franken: Excuse me?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.

Al Franken: Oh my god.

Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.

Al Franken: Unbelievable.

Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.

Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.

Al Franken: And where do you live?

Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.

Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.

Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.

[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.

Weekend Update on Trumpcare

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Republican logo and a caduceus at right top corner.]

Well, this week, republicans made their best effort to unite the country by presenting a new health care plan that everybody could hate together. Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lost their coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn’t repeal Obamacare enough. And I’m upset because its still doesn’t cover medicinal cocaine and I’ve got a screenplay to finish. I spent the money.

The White House is officially calling the bill the American Health Care Act and not as many people in the media have been calling it, Trumpcare, or they probably should be calling it, don’t care. “Are you old and poor and losing your coverage? Don’t care!”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

How bad does something have to be for Trump not to want his name on it? This guy once put his name on a Ponzi scheme. [Picture changes to Trump University logo] But even for this, he’s like, “I don’t want to take all the credit.” It’d be like if Kanye’s next album was called “But enough about me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a hospital and a caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was estimated the republican healthcare plan gives a $400 billion tax break to the rich. While the poor will receive a box of generic band aids and a travel size bottle of airborne. The republican plan to replace Obamacare would cut funding to planned parenthood. So, you might not get to keep your healthcare, but you ave to keep something else. [Picture changes to a baby]

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

of the house, Paul Ryan gave congress a powerpoint presentation about the healthcare bill. Because nothing says “Trust me about the future” like powerpoint. Unfortunately, he clicked one slide too far and it got into a workout tips.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jason Chaffetz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Jason Chaffetz defended the cost of the new healthcare bill by saying if poor people want insurance, they will have to choose between healthcare and that new iPhone. Which is ridiculous. How are you supposed to even know when you need a doctor if you don’t have an iPhone to Facetime your junk to Colin and ask, “Hey, man, you ever get this before?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gave you a fake number. [Michael Che laughing] President Trump introduced his revised travel ban this week. Though, it’s probably not great. It’s just a bunch of brown color swatches. [Picture changes to a paper with five different color swatches printed on it.]

[Picture changes to a calendar marked on March 16.]

The new travel ban will go into effect on March 16th and then on March 17th, we showcase the type of upstanding immigrants this country wants.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CIA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wikileaks released documents saying the CIA can hack into personal devices and spy on people. Now, this is why I’m glad I have black grandparents. They told me the CIA was recording everything years ago. One year, I bought him a universal remote. He smashed it with a dress shoe and aid, “Boy, don’t you know that’s how they got Dr. King?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump this week also surprised a group of children on a tour of the White House. Let’s take a look at that.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump at White House. He comes out and shakes his both hands sideways.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He just popped out like a monster on Scooby Doo. Was he trying to scare those kids away from a treasure? Speaking of Scooby Doo, I think the eyes are moving in that painting behind him. But real quick, can we just turn up the audio and hear the kid’s reaction to Trump?

[Cut to the same video clip where children scream.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Nothing says ‘My presidency is going well’ like the screams of children. I thought the weirdest part was at the very end when Trump said, “Now which one of you kids wants to be the new US Attorney in New York?”

Weekend Update on A Day Without a Woman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘A Day Without Woman’ march logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was a day without a woman, sponsored by Jergens Lotion.

[Cut to Jergens lotion ad video bumper. There’s a bottle of Jergens and a box of napkins.]

Male voice: Jergens, you know what it’s for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jenifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J. Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Atlennifex Lodripez.

[Picture changes to Florida state map]

For second year in a row, the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again, Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marked on the second week of March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Last week was world orphan week. To you orphans out there, better luck next year.

[Picture changes to O.J. Simpson]

O.J. Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And, ladies, he’s single.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of WAFFLE HOUSE logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at the age of 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrols have– a knife fight in the parking lot.

Translator

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Helen… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a presentation]

Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.

Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?

Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.

Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?

Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.

Alex: Then, let’s see it.

Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.

Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.

Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.

Max: [gibberish]

Alex: Brilliant.

Helen: Hang on. It worked.  I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.

Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.

Alex: Oh, my god.

Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.

Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?

Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.

Helen: What?

Cecily: What did you dog just say?

Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.

Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.

Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?

Helen: He doesn’t.

Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.

Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.

Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?

Cecily: Your dog is a monster.

Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about

Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]

Helen: Get over here, Max.

[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.

Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.

Alex: Your dog is a jackass.

Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.

Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.

Cecily: Really?

Helen: No, Max, that is not true.

Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.

Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?

Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.

Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.

Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?

Kyle: Whoa!

Helen: Max!

Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.

Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.

Max: So?

Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.

Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.

Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.

Alex: Don’t miss.

Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–

Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.

[turning the machine off]

Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.

Alex: Obviously.

Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.

[Alex and Cecily leaves]

Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay?  Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!

[Helen carries Max and walks away]

Shud the Mermaid

Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day

Titacles… Beck Bennett

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata

Shud… Kate McKinnon

Conk… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.

Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.

[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]

Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?

[Titacles appears behind the stones. He has long white hair and beard and a tail of a fish.]

Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.

[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]

Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]

Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.

[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]

Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.

Titacles: And the other one, Shud.

[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]

Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?

Titacles: The choice is yours.

[Titacles swims away]

Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?

Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.

Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.

Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.

Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!

Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.

Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.

[Conk crawls up.]

Conk: What’s up?

Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.

Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.

Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.

Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.

Shut: Here is a little preview.

[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]

Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!

Shut: Hell, yeah.

Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.

Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.

Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.

[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]

Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da [humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]

Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.

Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.

Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.

Harrison Beckett: Okay.

Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.

Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.

Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?

Harrison Beckett: I am not.

Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.

[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]

Argh! it got in my mouth.

Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.

[airplane sound]

Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.

Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!

[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]

Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?

Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.

[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]

Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.

Conk: Alright, Shud.

[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]

Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.

Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons

Shanice Goodwin Ninja-Rivals

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Dominica… Scarlett Johansson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a picture of a little girl]

Shanice narrating: First they said, “You’re too small.” [Picture changes to grown up Shanice Goodwin] Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You will namer make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice dressed as ninja playing with her sword, ‘Shanice Goodwin Ninja’ intro]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

Shanice: I’m also a cashier at KOHL’s.

[Cut to Vanessa and Shanice in the ninja training center. Shanice is wearing black ninja costume.]

Vanessa: Shanice, sensei has been kidnapped. This is your most dangerous mission yet. I brought in someone I think will remember.

[Dominica walks in wearing white ninja costume]

Dominica: Shanice, well, well, we meet again.

Shanice: Dominica. I thought I had banished you from Charlotte and the greater area of Charlotte.

Dominica: You did. But he was my sensei too. He hand-picked me from the orphanage when I was five years old.

Shanice: And I’ve been a ninja since I was 45. Alright then, let’s put aside our differences and do this.

Vanessa: Great! Their hideout is rumored to be a theater prop storage facility on the west wide of town. Good luck, you two.

[Shanice and Dominica leave]

[Cut to British mob hideout. There are the mobs who have tied Sensei.]

Beck: So? Your people will send the money?

Sensei: I told you, I do not yield to threats. I know some very dangerous people. Let me go now and no harm will come to you.

Beck: No harm will come to us? He said to us! [laughing]

[Shanice and Dominica are inside the hideout]

Dominica: Shh, follow me. We are shadows.

[Shanice nods her head and follows Dominica]

Sensei: Oh, yes. I sense a presence.

Beck: You’re bluffing. There’s no one here. Look!

[Shanice and Dominica are hiding behind them. Shanice is even eating some chips.

How can anyone be in this room? No one can get in.

Kenan: Oh, yes. At least ten armed guards are stationed at every entrance.

[Dominica throws a shuriken on Kenan’s eye]

[screaming] Ah!

Mikey: No! What happened?

[Shanice slowly goes to Mikey and cuts off his hand]

Shanice: Damn, that’s nasty.

Beck: Someone is here.

Sensei: I tried to warn you. But now it’s too late. My student Dominica is a professional assassin. To her, killing is like breathing. And my student Shanice has trained at my YMCA every other week for last three years.

Beck: Find them. Now.

Kyle and Mikey: Yes, sir!

[Kyle and Mikey are looking around. Shanice and Dominica and just behind them.]

Mikey: There’s no one here, sir.

[Dominica pulls Mikey and rips his heart out]

Kyle: Who did that? Show yourself!

[Shanice comes behind Kyle and breaks his neck]

Beck: Is this how you fight? Huh? You hide? Like cowards? Let me see your eyes.

[Dominica comes behind Beck]

Dominica: With pleasure. My eyes will be the last thin you see.

Shanice: And my ears will be the last thing you– you hear.. Damn!

Dominica: You don’t need to talk every time.

Beck: Guards! Attack!

[Beck runs]

Shanice: Quick, the chair.

[The guards come in running. Dominica sits on a chair and Shanice pushes the chair. Dominica hits everyone who comes in front of her.]

[Beck runs in with a knife to fight Dominica]

Dominica: A man should use his fists so that he dies with respect.

[gun shot. Beck is shot.]

Shanice: Oh, my bad. was we supposed to only do ninja stuff? Oh, okay. That’s on me.

[Dominica opens ropes tying Sensei]

Dominica: Are you alright, Sensei?

Sensei: Thank you both. You are my top students.

Shanice: Yeah, but I’m the best, right?

Dominica: No, we all know who si the best.

Sensei: I guess there is only one way to settle this.

Shanice: Ha-ha-ha. You think so? Put em’ up.

Dominica: Alright, you like a challenge. Yes?

Shanice: Hah! Dominica, you was always that bitch. Let’s go.

[as Shanice and Dominica fight, the video pauses and ends.]

Scarlett Johansson 5th Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johansson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be back here at SNL. You know, the last time I hosted was in twentyfifteen when the most upsetting thing in the news was that ‘Mad Men’ was ending. But now, this is my 5th time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] And Kenan was nice enough to make a highlight real with the best moments from my first four shows. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to short video clips from past Scarlett Johansson features in SNL. But the clips have the dialogs only from Kenan Thompson and very less appearance from Scarlett Johansson.]

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Okay. That was more about Kenan than me. But, um, anyways, this is a huge milestone in my life. SNL feels like a home to me now. Which–

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Scar-jo. Hey, what’s up? [Kate McKinnon kisses Scarlett Johansson on cheeks few times]

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, K-Mc. I haven’t seen you in a while.

Kate McKinnon: I know. Well, I was actually at the Oscars with you, remember?

Scarlett Johansson: I didn’t see you there. I’m sorry.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, well, it was my first time there. And apparently there are tiers and you’re in a tier that I think is higher because I tried to get your attention at one point and I was tased.

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, what? Did you go to any of the Afterparties?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. I sure did. I sure did. Which one did you go to?

Scarlett Johansson: I went to Vanity Fair.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, cool, cool. That sounds fun. Yeah, I went to the Purina Dog Chow meet and greet. It was cool. It was an extremely cash bar. But– But I got to rub shoulders with the likes of Harvey Levin from TMZ and the house slipper guy who held a gun to his wife’s head.

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You know, Kate and I just did a movie together called ‘The Rough Night’. [cheers and applause] The trailer debuted last week. So, let’s just take a look at it.

[Cut to a video clip of Kenan Thompson’s Fat Albert movie.]

Kenan: Hey, hey, hey! It’s Fat Albert.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and Kate McKinnon]

Scarlett Johansson: Okay, we have to stop letting Kenan handle the clips. You know, he has been here the longest and he never lets us forget it.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, that’s right, Catherine. [Kenan Thompson gives Kate McKinnon a huge bag] Um, light on the starch. Let’s see if you can get it right this time. [Kate McKinnon walks out with the bag] And Scarlett, how did the clip package go over?

Scarlett Johansson: They were just clips of you.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, so it went well. Good. Good to hear. And in honor of your 5th time hosting, we have a very special 5-timer’s jacket just for you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in and puts the 5-timer’s jacket on Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johansson: Ooh! Thank you. Thank you, guys. It means a lot to me.

Kenan Thompson: You are very welcome. And you’re always welcome here any time. Now let us sing the sacred and solemn 5-timer’s song that has been sung since the show began.

[music playing]

Kate McKinnon and Kenan Thompson: [singing] Five
five times
five times hosting

All: Five
five times
five times hosting

Scarlett Johansson: Wait, wait, is this the song from the Subway commercial?

Kenan Thompson: I am not realizing that it is.

Scarlett Johansson: We have a great show. Lorde is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Olive Garden

Director… Beck Bennett

Scarlett Johansson

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Director briefing the ad shooting to the actors.]

Director: Okay, my lovely featured background. We are about ready to go for a take. And all you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. So, you know the deal. Fun, casual. We really want to give viewers the vibe that you’re excited to be here.

Scarlett: I actually love Olive Garden so I won’t even have to act at all.

Director: Hah! That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so I’ll call our direction from the monitor and let’s see if we can capture some magic. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing.]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, that looks great. We’re chatting. We’re charring. Hey, sweater guy, check out the restaurant.

[Kenan starts looking around and act like he’s noticing everything and he likes it.]

This place is nice. Even more impressed.

[Kenan starts to act a bit more impressed]

Am I in a palace?

[Kenan starts acting shocked]

Yes. Okay. Now, blonde hair. Why don’t you find something you want on the menu?

[Scarlett starts looking at the menu]

And you nod and smile.

[Scarlett is nodding and smiling]

Alright, bigger nod.

[Scarlett starts nodding more]

This all looks yummy. Really go for it, blonde hair.

[Scarlett starts to smile and nod her head very wildly]

Big old smile. Amazing, love that. Now, blue shirt. Someone just said something funny. Big laugh.

[Mikey starts laughing]

And even funnier.

[Mikey starts blinking his eyes more]

You’re about to pee yourself.

[Mikey starts to shake his head and blink his eyes whilst looking downwards]

I’m peeing. I’m peeing. Fantastic! Great! Great! Great! Okay, now, yellow top. You’re looking at the menu and you really want that Chicken Ciao Bella.

[Leslie looks at menu is awed]

Oh, you want it really bad.

[Leslie starts shaking the menu]

You’re looking at that pasta going, “Oh, Lordy, I must be in heaven.”

[Leslie is confused and looks at Director]

Okay, let’s call that cut.

[Director walks in] Wow, fantastic work, guys. I think we got it.

Scarlett: Are you sure those reactions weren’t too big?

Mikey: Yeah, I felt like I looked a little stupid maybe.

Leslie: And I didn’t like that voice you did.

Director: I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about, but as far as reactions go, you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. People act like they have never seen a restaurant or eaten food before. And then the yoyos at home think Olive Garden is a magical place. It’s advertising. Trust me, you’re killing it. Okay? Now, we just need to get some alts for different markets this ad will air in. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, let’s start by laughing, we’re laughing. We’re having fun. Good! Now, for the small towns, blue shirt, give blonde hair a little kiss on the cheek.

[Mikey kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

Great, great, great. And for the urban market, can I get a sweater guy giving yellow top a smooch?

[Kenan hugs Leslie]

And for one neighborhood in Atlanta, let me see yellow top plant one on blond hair.

[Scarlett and Leslie are confused]

[Leslie kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

And lips, please.

[Scarlett and Leslie are uncomfortable. But they take a peck on each other’s lips.]

[shouting] “Oh, child! what has gotten into me?” Great! Okay, now I just want to get some options. Stuff they might want. So, let’s get some pasta, please. Thank you very much.

[The waiters bring in the pasta]

Alright, here comes the pasta. Pasta, pasta, pasta. So, sweater guy, you ordered that shrimp terrigiorno and it smells amazing.

[Kenan acting like he’s smelling the shrimp]

Great. Yes, yes. Got that. We got that. Now just go ahead and put your face right in the pasta bowl.

Kenan: Really? I mean, would Olive Garden even use that in the ad?

Director: Just looking for options. So, plop that face in there.

[Kenan puts his pace in the pasta bowl]

Great! Yes. Yes, sweater guy, this is really good. Okay, blue shirt and blonde hair, imagine there is a waitress there and you’re listening to her. So, let’s look up and nod.

[Scarlett and Mikey look at the same direction and nod]

She’s a little taller than that. So, bring that eye line up a bit.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking a bit higher]

And even taller.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking higher]

And, oh, my god, this woman’s an Amazon.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re shocked]

Perfect. Just like that. And just so we have it, give me one where the waitress is two feet tall.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking down]

There she is. There she is. Perfect. And she’s leaving and you’re both trying not to laugh.

Scarlett: Oh, I wouldn’t laugh at a little person.

Director: But Olive Garden customers would.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re holding their laugh]

Nailed it. There it is.

[Kenan still has his face in the pasta]

Kenan: Sir, can I take my face off of pasta now?

Director: Not just yet, sweater guy. I want to make sure we have this. Now, yellow top.

Leslie: I’m not putting my head in no pasta.

Director: Of course not. Just enjoy the taste of the pasta.

[Leslie eats some pasta and enjoys it]

Yes. Yes. That’s great. That’s great. You’re chewing, tasting and you just had a big old orgasm. [Leslie opens her eyes and stares upwards] Amazing. That’s it. Yeah, love those eyes. Love that. Look at those. Great! Yes, that’s great. Now, blonde hair, can I see that from you?

[Scarlett is acting like she’s having an orgasm]

Yes. Yes. Great with the lip. Yes, that’s great. Thanks exactly what I’m looking for. Okay. Blue shirt, you’re up.

[Mikey starts acting like he’s having an orgasm]

Amazing. The Veal Primarini is pushing all your buttons. There it is! And yeah. Great. And now sweater guy, take your face out of the pasta and let’s see that from you as well.

[Kenan makes his orgasm face]

Yeah, you’re really loving it. Yeah. That’s perfect. Now, put your face just back in the bowl of pasta.

Kenan: I really would rather not–

Director: And go.

[Kenan puts his face in the pasta bowl]

Okay, now yellow top, look at sweater guy like, “Lordy, give me the strength.”

[Leslie is pissed off]

And cut! Yes, perfect. Guys, really wonderful. I think I’ve got everything I need. And no promises, but I hear they may use some of you guys in their print campaign too.

[Cut to print campaign pictures of Leslie]