Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.] [three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping] [Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson’s Franchise Viagra Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Sasheer Zamata

Cecliy Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…

[music playing] [Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]

“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.

[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson

Yo, check this out,

put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”

Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast

Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: What about the new Batman?

Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane

Back up singers: That’s insane!

Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.

Sasheer: The 7th sense

Kate: The 8th Samurai

Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?

Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.

Kate: Sister Act 3?

Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me

Sasheer: Toy Story 4?

Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more

Aidy: Another Smurf movie?

Dwayne Johnson: No!

[audience laughing] [music stops]

Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.

Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow

Cecily: Boyhood 2?

Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked

Aidy: The dead gets rude

Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!

Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking

[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.] [music stops]

Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?

[mus starts]

Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise

Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!

[money raining on them]

Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin] Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps] [Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps] [cheers and applause]

Cooking With Paul

Paul Montane… Kenan Thompson

Mitch… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with Cooking with Paul intro]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for Cooking with Paul. [Cut to Paul cooking in the kitchen] Paul Montane is a James Beard Award winning chef. And a three times convicted sex offender.

Paul: Well, hello there folks. Today, we’re gonna be cooking my famous garlic mashed potatoes and rosemary time chicken. With me as always is my sidekick Mitch.

[Mitch walks in]

Mitch: I’m not your sidekick, Paul I’m your probation officer.

Paul: We do banter though, don’t we?

[Mitch stares at Paul]

Okay. Now, let’s start cooking. The first thing you need to do is boil some water. You gotta put the pot on the stove. Turn on the gas. That’s gonna take about five minutes. So, you gotta little time to kill. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet, check out some chat rooms.

Mitch: No, no, no, no. You are not allowed on the internet, Paul.

Paul: Okay. So, now we’re gonna sprinkle a little rosemary onto our chicken. That’s right. We’re gonna go ahead and pour on our saute onions. Yeah, I like that. Now, we’re gonna place that whole pan in the oven. Turn it up to 400 degrees and wait for it to turn brown.

[Paul puts the chicken in the over]

Okay, now you let that sit for about 30 minutes. Got a little time. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet and meet a couple of buddies?

Mitch: No, Paul. Hell no.

Paul: I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking at Master Chef Junior.

Mitch: Those are not chefs, Paul

Paul: Okay. Now, let’s check on our pot of water. It’s boiling. So we need to put in the potatoes. Okie, dokie. [Paul puts the potatoes n the pot] We’re gonna let these sit for about four minutes. So we got a little time.

Mitch: No!

Paul: Pop around on the internet and meet some folks.

Mitch: No, no, no. That’s it. I’m taking this computer away.

Paul: Okay. [Paul takes out another computer] Dip, dip, dip.

Mitch: Paul! Paul!

Paul: Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I accidentally set it to 4,000 degrees instead of 400.

[smoke is coming out of the oven.]

Mitch: Dammit, Paul. Call the fire department.

[Mitch leaves]

Paul: Okay. Calling the fire department. [Paul takes his phone out and dials a number looking at the computer.] 2125550187.

[talking on the phone]

Hello, Mrs. Henderson. Is Billy at home?

Mitch: Paul! Paul! Hang up the phone.

[Mitch comes in with a fire extinguisher and uses it in the oven.]

Paul: Mitch! You are no fun.

Mitch: Well, I’m not paid to be fun, Paul.

Paul: Well, that makes me sad you saying that.

Mitch: Well, it makes me sad that you hit it out in the well of a porter party just to take pictures of people’s butts.

Paul: Okay. Now, you know, let’s get our ingredients together. We’re going to put in our butter here. And then we’re gonna dump in some of this on top of that. Then we go on a computer and go to your favorite site–

Mitch: No, no! No!

Paul: Okay!

[The timer clock tings]

Well, that’s all the time we have. We didn’t finish cooking the meal. But let’s all close our eyes and imagine what it tastes like.

[Mitch closes his eyes] [Paul runs away]

Mitch: Hey, get back here!

Circus with Kyle

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with 1 with a mic on a circus stage but there is no audience]

Kyle: Dude [mumbling] jaw drop. Clowns, it’s funny faces and animals walk around. It can wild and sometimes sweet. It’s circus. Let’s talk to some people and see what it really is, the most fun thing they’ve ever had. Hey, [mumbling] I think I’m gonna have fun we’re doing this one.

[Cut to a video bumper of “Circus with Kyle”] [Cut to 1 interviewing a little girl]

Kyle: Ready for big circus to come to your town?

The girl: Yes.

Kyle: What’s [mumbling] [The girl is scared and hides behind her dad.]

Ay, that’s okay.

[Cut to a video bumper] [Cut to a dad helping his son to answer Kyle]

Dad: What are you here to mainly to see?

The boy: The circus.

Dad: Yeah, I know. The circus. But what part of the circus?

The boy: I don’t know.

Dad: What’s your favorite part of the circus?

The boy: I don’t know.

Dad: Well, what did you like before? Like, when you were young? Now you’re an old man.

Kyle: It’s okay. It’s okay.

[Father and son slowly walk away from 1]

Some things are better [mumbling] not really get involved in.

[Cut to a video of clowns dancing in a line. 1 is also in the line.] [Cut to 1 interviewing a little boy.]

Kyle: It’s like watching a great–

Boy’s mother: It’s like watching the circus.

[Cut to a video bumper] [Cut to 1 asking a young boy]

Kyle: You think it’ll be one of the most daring flight of the night? Take the clowns, the rest of the night. That’s your left?

The boy: Um, not really.

Kyle: Oh, yeah? Um, I guess I never really– I guess I never really thought of it that way.

[The boy is silent and doesn’t speak] [Cut to a video bumper] [Cut to 1 asking a little boy]

Kyle: So, we were thinking someday we’d see you up there.

The boy: How would it be impressive like go up there one day?

Kyle: I think you have– I think you got it in you. I think in fact we’re all rooting for you.

The boy: I doubt that.

[Cut to a video bumper] [Cut to 1 talking to two kids]

The boy: Is this your microphone?

Mom: Yes.

The boy: Oh!

Mom: No, let him hold it and you just talk.

Kyle: It kind of lacks professionalism. Just answer the question.

The boy: I don’t know a thing.

Kyle: Yeah. That’s a- that’s a- That’s a waste on that one. It’s just not even [mumble] [Cut to a video bumper] [Cut to 1 walking to a guy who has a light sword.]

Kyle: Hey, looks like you got pretty good swings over there.

The boy: I don’t want to.

[Cut to a video bumper] [Cut to 1 with a clown]

Kyle: I’m looking at you [mumbling]

The clown: Oh yeah. I just keep on going. I got so much energy. Whooo! Yeah, it’s great.

Kyle: This is kind of awkward.

Brogaine

Kyle Mooney

Abraham… Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cashier… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Erkhart… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a house party] [Kyle sees Abraham. He’s wearing a cap.]

Kyle: Yo, Abraham! You’re up? Keg stand!

Abraham: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Abraham doing the keg stand and Kyle and Pete holding his legs.]

Everybody: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

[Abraham finishes the drink and stand up. His cap falls off. He’s bald.]

Abraham: Whoo! Whoo!

[Everyone is looking him in awkward way]

What?

Pete: Abraham. Are you bald?

[Cut to Abraham denying.]

Abraham: No!

[Abraham runs out of the crowd and sits on the stairs alone.] [Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey! Sorry about back there.

Abraham: It just sucks. No one wants to be the bald guy in the frat.

Kyle: I know. That’s why I use this.

[Kyle hands over a box to Abraham]

Abraham: Brogaine? For college age guys?

Kyle: You know, I was like you once.

[Cut to Kyle when he was bald walking to the college.]

Honestly, I felt like a creep around campus.

[Cut to Sasheer walking smiling. But when she sees Kyle, she makes her face salty.]

I couldn’t even get anyone to check my fake ID.

[Cut to bald Kyle buying a liquor. He tries to show the cashier his ID.]

Cashier: Oh, that’s not necessary, sir. [talking to another customer] Young man, have your ID out and ready.

[Cut to an old man standing beside Kyle.]

Kyle: That’s when my doctor told me about Brogaine.

[Cut to the doctor who is also bald.]

He explained pretty much your balding can be caused by stress brought on by things like midterms, nerds, think your frat dog may be alcoholic and you chanted the N-word in a viral video. The Brogaine helps fight hair loss by combining the hair growing properties of Minoxidil with other useful chemicals like creatine, vicodin and bud heavy.

[Cut to Kyle and Abraham]

Abraham: Wow, so it really does work, huh?

[The doctors walks in. He has very long hair.]

Dr. Erkhart: Ha-ha. It worked for me.

Kyle: Dr. Erkhart?

Dr. Erkhart: [looking at the party] So, um, we doing this?

Male voice: Brogaine, it’s nice!