Tag: episode 16

Fire Island

[Star with video clips of people partying in an Island]

Male voice: Audiences are buzzing about “Fire Island,” a new reality show on Logo about ix sexy gay guys sharing a beach house.

Bobby: Cocktails, sunshine, boys.

Brandon: It’s a gay Disneyland, y’all.

Male voice: And if you like separating types of people into shows, you’ll love logo’s other new reality show, “Cherry Grove,” about a group of affluent lesbians, one beach away.

[Cut to ladies taking care of their babies in a beach house.]

Kate: Hey, Beth, did you pack my water socks? Beth? Beth? Beth?

Male voice: Spend a weekend with these sexy studs.

Brandon: 21, and I’m the crazy little one.

Male voice: And these women.

Aidy: I’m 38. And I’m the very intolerant one.

Male voice: Get ready for the insane parties.

Brandon: This weekend, I’m ready for anything.

[Cut to ladies singing dinner prayer]

Male voice: If you think Fire Island is nonstop sex, wait till you see what passes for a bang fest in Cherry Grove.

[Cut to ladies crying in bed]

Kate: [sobbing] I just want you to tell me you see me.

Scarlett: [sobbing] I see you.

Male voice: The boys may love drama, but watch these ladies lose it.

[Cut to Aidy taking pictures of a baby]

Cecily: Hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought we said no screens.

Aidy: Your rules, Puck.

Cecily: I just think if we both agree on something–

Aidy: I do agree, Puck, but when you hammer and you hammer, it’s hard to be in love with you.

Cecily: I’m sorry you feel like hammering.

Male voice: So, get ready for the raunchiest–

[Cut to Scarlett keeping her baby calm]

— craziest–

Kate: That’s a wold sanctuary, alright!

Male voice: Gayest summer you’ve ever had.

Kate: Excuse me, sir, can you lower your jazz? There are five miracles of home water birth asleep in this house.

Scarlett: It’s almost 9 PM.

Male voice: Cherry Grove. Coming soon on Logo. Yas, queen, work queen, yas.

Complicit

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a woman walking inside a very fancy party.]

Female voice: Every man knows her name. [men looking at her turning their heads] Every woman knows her face. [Women looking staring at her] When she walks into a room, all eyes are on her. She’s Ivanka. And a woman like her deserves a fragrance all her own. A scent made just for her because she’s beautiful. She’s powerful. Because she’s beautiful. She’s powerful. [as she walks by candles, the candles go off.] She is [showing the bottle of perfume] Complicit.

She’s a woman who knows what she wants. And knows what she’s doing. Complicit.

She doesn’t crave the spotlight, but we see her. [She stand in front of the mirror and puts on lipstick] Oh, how we see her. [Inside the mirror, we see Donald Trump.] Complicit.

A feminist, an advocate, a champion for women. But like, how?

She’s loyal, devoted, but probably should have bounced after the whole ‘Access Hollywood’ bus thing. Oh, well.

Also, I bet when she watches ‘Titanic’, she thinks she’s Rose. Sorry, girl, you’re Billy Zane.

Complicit, the fragrance for the woman who can stop all this but won’t. Also available in a cologne for Jared.

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Game Of Thrones FIRST LOOK

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

Director… Jon Rusnitsky

Peter Dinklage

Emilia Clarke… Kate McKinnon

Joe Leuci… Kyle Mooney

Iain Glen… Taran Killam

[Starts with shooting set of Game of Thrones]

[Cut to Peter and Emilia]

Peter: Hi HBO. I’m Peter Dinklage, A.K.A. Tyrion Lannister.

Emilia: And I’m Emilia Clarke, A.K.A. Daenerys Targarian, mother of dragons. And this is your first look at Game of Thrones, season 6.

Peter: Season 6 finds Tyrion in the service of Daenerys Targarian. And that means I finally get some screen time with those scene stealers, the dragons.

[Cut to the shooting]

Director: Action!

Peter: Citizens!

[Randy come in with dragon costume on making dragon noises]

Citizens, do not be alarmed, citizens. He is our friend. Drogon is here to protect you.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Well, the Mov-Cap technology allows the director to see the finished product as we’re shooting in real time which is pretty phenomenal.

[Cut to shooting]

Peter: Well, he didn’t inherit your looks but he certainly has your temper.

Director: Good job Peter. Why don’t we just do that once more.

[Randy is staring at Peter]

Peter: What are you doing?

Randy: I was just being intense.

Peter: You’re looking at my face.

Randy: Oh, okay. I’ll close my eyes.

[Cut to Iain Glen]

Iain: Season 6, they’ve really pulled all the the stops. I mean, some of these effects they’re doing are just truly incredible.

[Randy is spitting out water for the fire effect]

I’ve seen really unbelievable stuffs.

[Cut to shooting]

It would be wise to trade lightly with me, boy. War is not a game.

[Randy uncovers his fave behind Iain]

Randy: Of Thrones!

Director: Okay, cut! Randy.

Randy: Yeah.

Director: I think I just heard you say something.

Randy: Nope. I didn’t say anything.

Director: You said “Of thrones” after he said–

Randy: Check the playback. I didn’t say a word.

[Cut to Iain]

Iain: Season 6 has a lot of surprises in store. It’s bigger, better, bloodier.

[Cut to Randy during the shoot]

Randy: Hey, are we gonna get a bathroom break anytime soon? I gotta… bust a piss.

Director: It takes like, half hour to get you in and out of that suit. You think you can hold it for a bit?

Randy: Yea, no sweat.

Director: Cool. Great.

[Cut to Emilia. Behind her, Randy is drying his suit as he pissed on them.]

Emilia: This season– I can’t say too much without getting in trouble but let’s just say that Daenerys finds herself rather conflicted between two different good–

[Cut to shooting]

You’ll only bring pain to this kingdom Drogo. You have to go.]

[Randy makes dragon sound and then opens the door and walks out]

Director: Okay. Halt. Come back. A dragon wouldn’t just open the door. You just exit frame, okay?

Randy: I can’t hear you but I was gonna say a dragon shouldn’t go through the door. I’m just gonna exit frame, okay?

[Cut to the set]

Iain: Here we are. We’re currently setting up for the pivotal moment where Daenerys leads a dragon into battle for the first time.

[They’re pulling Randy upward]

Randy: Ou! Ou! Ou! I’m sorry. Ou!

Director: Put him down.

Randy: No, it’s pinching it.

Director: Are you okay?

Randy: Wait! Stop, stop, stop. Don’t. Don’t.

Director: Why don’t we just bring you down?

Randy: Just leave me. I need a minute.

[Cut to clips from Game of Thrones]

Peter: Thank you for watching HBO first look. And remember, it’s..

[Randy walks in]

Randy: It’s Game of Thrones.

Peter: HBO.

Randy: HBO.

[Cut to the set. Randy is hanging and there’s a man who is cutting the ropes loose.]

Wait, what is that for? No, wait. Wait. Wait.

[Randy falls flat on the ground]

[The End]

At This Hour Cold Open

Kate Bolduan… Kate McKinnon

Scottie Nell Nughes… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with At This Hour intro]

[Cut to Kate in her set]

Kate: Welcome back. Thank you. Welcome back to At This Hour. I am Kate Bolduan. I’ve got the brain for MSNBC but the hair for FOX News. So here I am at CNN. It’s been another bad week for Donald Trump with women. Joining me to talk about it from the tea-party news network is Donald Trump defender, Scottie Nell Nughes.

[Cut to Scottie in her set]

Scottie: Hi Kate. As a woman I like Donald Trump but as a full blown nut job, I freaking love him.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: But as a woman, how can you keep defending Mr. Trump? He retweeted a sexist, unflattering photo of Ted Curz’s wife.

Scottie: Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, no– [Cut to Scottie] So actually, so that was an accident okay? Coz Donald’s are just so big, he can’t see every little tweet his fingers retweet. I mean, his hands are this big. Flaccid!

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: That’s your actual answer?

Scottie: That is what I have picked. Yes. And let’s not forget, Heidi Cruz is no angel. She has been arrested.

Kate: That’s not true.

Scottie: Yes, it is. Donald told me she is so fat, she was arrested for having 10 pounds of crack.

Kate: I believe that’s a ‘yo mama’ joke. Alright, let’s just move on. Donald Trump also said that women who get abortions should be ‘punished’. How do you defend that?

[Cut to Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, what that is is was Donald was just making an April fools joke coz it was April fools.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: Said that on March 30th.

Scottie: [laughing] And that is why it is so funny. I mean, Kate, of course Donald loves women. He is a father to a woman.

Kate: Okay, well, we actually have a clip of Donald talking about his daughter from a rally this morning. Let’s watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I just gotta say, isn’t my daughter Ivanka the best? She’s so smart, so talented, and what a rack! And she just had a baby. So can you imagine that rack now? It is just tremendous.

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Kate: Ew!

Scottie: No. Okay, no– So, that was beautiful. You’re just trying to work it but is it worth it? You put his thing down, flipped it and reversed it.

Kate: What?

Scottie: At least Donald is talking about women. I mean he is creating a dialog about women.

Kate: Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Let’s go back to that rally and check in on that dialog.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: When I say ‘women’, you say ‘suck’. Women.

Public: Suck!

Donald Trump: Women.

Public: Suck!

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay, well, some women do suck, okay? What about Casey Anthony? Are you telling me Casey Anthony does not suck? Coz I am close friends with her and she is always late. She sucks!

Kate: Okay, well Scottie, I don’t know how you’re gonna be able to defend this next thing.

Scottie: I’ll be able to.

Kate: But there has been a lot of violence at Trump’s rallies recently. His campaign manager was arrested for assaulting a woman. A young girl was pepper sprayed.

Scottie: Donald Trump does not personally condone violence.

Kate: Really? Okay, well let’s just randomly see what’s happening right now at his rally.

[Cut to Donald Trump punching a guy in his face several times]

Guy: [yelling] I am voting for you!

[Donald Trump punches him few more times]

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Clearly, that man had a bee on his face and Donald was just trying to punch his off for him. 10 times.

Kate: Really, Scottie? A bee? Now we’re talking about a bee?

Scottie: Yeah, we sure are. You can’t break me Kate, because I’m crazy. And crazy don’t break. And Kate, I know that you agree with me on three things when it comes to Trump. One, he is drop dead gorgeous.

Kate: No.

Scottie: Two, he is bringing trade back so we can make American grapes again.

Kate: That’s not– That’s so wrong.

Scottie: And three, he is way better than Ted Cruz.

Kate: Okay, yes. That I do agree. And…

Kate and Scottie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

WWE Promo Shoot

Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mud… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of backstage of Wrestle Mania.]

Kyle: Okay, moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our two wrestlers in there. [Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud walk in] Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. [Kyle walks out]

Trashyard Mud: Great! Hey, can’t wait to work with you man. This is gonna be great.

Coco Watchout: Oh, man! Totally. Me too. I can’t wait.

Trashyard Mud: Hey, feel free to just really let me have it in this promo, man! Don’t hold back.

Coco Watchout: Oh, you sure?

Trashyard Mud: Ya, ya! Definitely. Just go for it.

Coco Watchout: Okay, cool. Alright.

Kyle: Okay, everybody set?

[Host walks in using his phone]

Trashyard Mud: This could be fun.

Coco Watchout: Yeah, man!

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.]

[rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. And there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Mud?

Trashyard Mud: No! [barks and howls] Oh, you better watch out because when Mud gets out of the Trashyard, the first thing that he’s gonna do is take out this big old pile of stinking rotten garbage. [barks]

Host: And what do you have to say about that Coco?

Coco Watchout: Let me tell you something about this guy. He has herpes. It’s true. Oh, he’s got herpes and he’s got it bad.

Trashyard Mud: Yeah! Yeah, well, you’re gonna be rid in a body bag when I’m through with you. [barks]

Coco Watchout: Yeah? Well, you can’t have sex with anyone without having a talk first coz of your herpes. I heard your doctor said it was the most herpes he’d ever seen!

Host: Well, you heard it here first. Mud has herpes. And it gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Kyle: And cut!

[Host starts using his phone and leaves]

Coco Watchout: Hey dude!

Trashyard Mud: Hey!

Coco Watchout: So, what did you think man? It was pretty good, right?

Trashyard Mud: Um, no! No, not really. Yeah, that stuff was kind of personal. Maybe talk to me more about stuff that you were gonna do to me in the ring.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Cool. I got it.

[Host walks in using his phone]

Okay, not a problem.

Trashyard Mud: That’s cool.

Kyle: Alright. Promo take two. And action.

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.]

[rock music playing in the background]

Host: And here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud, and there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Coco?

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah! When we get in that ring on Sunday, I’m gonna tell everybody about what I found on his computer. It’s full of Family Guy porn. You keep googling “Lewis Sex Brian”. And Brian’s the dog, man!

Trashyard Mud: I like dogs. Ay! How do you know all of that?

Coco Watchout: I hired a research firm to dig up dirt on you. And then they found out ton. You remember the college girlfriend named Donna? It turns out eight months after you broke up, he had a baby girl Evelyn.

Trashyard Mud: What?

Coco Watchout: I met her. She is a lovely girl and honored student. And she doesn’t want to have a thing to do with you, man! Because you never met her coz you’re not fit to be a dad. And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

Host: And tell me, what do you have to say to that, Mud?

Trashyard Mud: [Trashyard Mud is confused but he barks]

Host: You heard it here folks. And it all gets settled this Sunday.

Kyle: Cut! Cut!

[Kyle walks in]

I like that. Are you guys feeling that one?

Trashyard Mud: No.

Coco Watchout: Yeah. You said, man! Just let you have it, right?

Trashyard Mud: Yeah. I take it back, man. Okay? Just do normal stuff. Like, how you’re gonna rip me apart or something.

Coco Watchout: Okay. I mean, that seems wrong to me. But okay. Okay. For sure. Okay. I got it.

Trashyard Mud: Come on!

[Kyle leaves]

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.]

[rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud.

Coco Watchout: I’m gonna rip this guy apart! And I mean psychologically.

Trashyard Mud: Jesus!

Coco Watchout: We have been looking on something the last eight months, Mud. You know, the internet girlfriend Staccy? The college student who lives in Hawaii that you’ve never met in person?

Trashyard Mud: Oh,no.

Coco Watchout: Well, I got news for ya. She’s really not a college student and her real name’s not Stacey. It’s Coco. That’s right. I cat-fished your ass! I made you fall in love with me and you had no idea!

Trashyard Mud: That is so intricate! Why are you doing this?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know that cute picture of Stacey that you’ve been spanking at? It’s actually a picture of Evelyn, the daughter you never met. Whoo!

Trashyard Mud: I think I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mud leaves]

Host: Well, there you have it folks. All at Wrestle Mania this Sunday

Coco Watchout: Ah! Coz that’s what Coco is cooking.

Kyle: Yeah! Now it’s a cut!

Host: Oh! Too far, Coco!

Weekend Update Willie is Excited for Spring

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s finally spring. And I for one, have not been in the best spirits. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy spring time, everybody! It’s my favorite season. Sun is out. The birds are chirping. It’s so nice, I wouldn’t sleep in doors even if I could.

Michael Che: Well, you have to sleep in doors? I mean outdoors?

Willie: I’ll get to it, Michael. Also, I have to. Coz it’s like they always say, “You gave your money to a conman, Willie.”

Michael Che: That’s not cheering me up, Willie. I’m sorry.

Willie: Oh, come on, Michael! Spring time is the best time. Easter will be here soon. [Cut to Willie] Reminds of me when I was a little boy looking for chocolate eggs around the house. I can still hear my grandma saying, “Get out that damn litter box, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh, come on! Little cat doukie can’t hurt you.

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It can.

Willie: But it’s baseball season, Michael!

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Takes me back to when I was 6 years old. And my daddy took me down to Yankee stadium for my first ball game. I was so excited. He looked me and said, “Son, look at that in the field. That’s Micky Mantle. He’s sleeping with your mother and I’m gonna shoot him.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, man!

Willie: Oh, but that’s the point, Michael.

Michael Che: What is? How is that the point?

Willie: Spring is about new beginnings. A fresh start. Rebirth!

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know who loved spring? My old dog Lucias.

Michael Che: Oh no.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: I had let him off the lease and he just ran as far as he could. I can still hear his barking getting thinner and thinner as those wolves dragged him off into the woods. But it’s like they always say, “Wolves raped your dog again, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, so none of these memories bum you out?

Willie: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Spring time does make me feel a little lonely. I do miss my wife.

Michael Che: Oh, I’m sorry, man.

Willie: It’s my own fault. [Cut to Willie] I bet she’d still be with me today if I had just listened when she said, “Hit the brakes, Willie!” But, you know what, Michael? It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to never wanna drag race.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hey, man! If you ever get too lonely, you can always call me.

[Cut to Willie crying]
Willie: Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Coz it’s like I always say, “There ain’t no god!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: That’s me. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky on the Russian Economy

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Russian Ruble showed signs of bouncing back this week after a 15 month period economic strife brought on by International Sanctions. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is Olya-Olya, I’m starving.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you back Olya.

Olya: Thank you. It’s my pleasure. You know, ever since I have been on this SNL, I am like local celebrity in my village. Every where I go, I am hounded.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? You’re hounded? Right? By paparazzi?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No, no. By actual hounds. They chase me Colin. But don’t worry. I trick them by playing dead like this. [Olya poses like she’s dead.]

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’d be happy to be dead?

Olya: Oh, yes. Like all Russians, Colin, I have been planning my funeral since I was a little girl. [Cut to Olya] As I am buried, I will have them play the most popular funeral song in Russia. [Olya starts singing]

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Come on! Russia cannot be that awful.

Olya: Oh, yeah! You know district 12 in Hunger Games? It’s based on richest neighborhood in my village. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, you know what Fifty Shades of Grey is about? My teeth! Even Ebola would not come to Russia. It almost came and then it was like, “Not too easy.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know, Russia must be on some kind of financial upswing. This week they proposed building $1 trillion super highway from Siberia to Alaska.

Olya: Ricka-ricka-What? Russia is going to build $1 trillion road? Yeah, right! In your screams, Russia!

Colin Jost: No, no. I think you mean .in your dreams’.

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: What is dreams? Listen to me, Russia? We cannot build $1 trillion road. We have bigger fish to fry. Like, we have no fish to fry. We cannot spend this money because much like Kelly Rowland, we just don’t have it.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, Olya! That’s a pretty bad burn.

Olya: I have to burn people, Colin! For fun and for warmth.

Colin Jost: Well, I know it’s pretty cold here in New York city. You know, it’s tough, cold, raining.

Olya: Oh, Colin. You do not know cold. [Cut to Olya] I was born inside a frozen lake. My mother fell in and the shock of cold bopped me out. You know how babies cry when they first come out, Colin? Not me. I rolled my eyes, I said, “Well played, devil!” I have had frostbite ever since, Colin. This is why my toes are like One Direction, only four left. Also, mostly, hairy (Harry Styles).

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, now if Russia’s that bad, Olya, I gotta ask, why don’t you move to America?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Are you flirting with Olya? Is that a banana in your pocket? If that’s a banana in our pocket, please give me banana.

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatsky, everyone!

Olya: One banana. One!

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: George Zimmerman who shot Trayvon Martin spoke out for the first time saying that he blames President Obama for insighting racial tensions that erupted after the shooting. At least he thinks it was Obama. It was pretty dark at the time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Instagram model at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent memo, American Apparel wants to stop using what they call, “Instagram Hoes” for their ads and instead hire professional models. But good news, they’re still make them up to look like [picture changes to a picture of American Apparel ad where model looks scared] they’ve been kidnapped by a human trafficker. Coz when I see ads for American Apparel, I don’t wanna buy clothes. I wanna see those women rescued by Liam Neeson.

[Picture changes to a casket]

Officials in England reburied remains the King Richard III, after his bones were discovered underneath a parking lot three years ago. So, this time everyone remember he’s buried in [picture changes to a parking spot C8] C8.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks takeaway cup at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After only 6 days, Starbucks canceled the controversial campaign in which Baristas would write the slogan ‘Race Together’ on cups to spark conversations about race relations. I don’t know how did they think that was gonna work. I mean, were we supposed to talk about race like we talk about sports? Hey, Colin, how about those blacks, huh? Can’t catch a break, am I right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, they’ve had a rough season. You know, I think the whites are gonna win it all again this year.

Michael Che: Ah! You’re a front runner. But you know who you really got to watch out for?

Colin Jost: The Mexicans, yeah!

Michael Che: I wasn’t gonna say that.

Colin Jost: Well–

Michael Che: [laughs] I was gonna say that.

Colin Jost: Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A candy store in Los Angeles has created a 440 pound peanut butter cup. It’s called [Picture changes to a rapper CeeLo] CeeLo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man napping on a couch.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that a 45 minute nap in the middle of the day can enhance a person’s memories. Memories like, “Oh, right! I’m an alcoholic.”

[Picture changes to ‘The Jinx’]

The finale of the HBO series ‘The Jinx’ aired last week about an alleged serial killer Robert Durst. And the series was great. But I was a little worried that the opening credits of the show might kind of glorify the idea about being a serial killer. I don’t know. Let’s take a quick look.

[Cut to the intro of the show where it’s showing assaults and dumping of dead bodies.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

So, they showed a photo of the real woman who disappeared, a woman he probably murdered, and then the singer goes, “Whooo!” Just like, “Yay, murder!” I mean you might as well just use this music instead.

[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “This is how we do it.”]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Or, you know, if you really want to, just go for with this one.

[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “Oops I did it again.”]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun and a bottle of juice at left top corner.]

I love that song. Just love that song. Louisiana police arrested a man for shooting his 18 year old son during an argument over orange juice. It’s considered the second worst crime that OJ is responsible for.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Indiana state and LGBTQ rainbow color.]

The governor of Indiana has signed a new law allowing businesses to turn away gay and lesbian customers saying it’s their part of their religious freedom. You’ll be able to tell which stores are supporting the new law, because they’ll have these helpful little signs. [Picture changes to a sign that says, “Going out of business!”]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

The head of the house committee investigated the Benghazi attacks said Friday that Hillary Clinton wiped her personal email server clean, permanently deleting all her emails. So, at least one Clinton has learned how to wipe something clean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colombian flag and a DEA badge.]

Michael Che: A new Justice Department report claims that the American DEA agents in Columbia participated in sex parties with prostitutes hired by drug cartels. In response to this incredibly irresponsible behavior, the agents have been promoted to Secret Service!

[Picture changes to Ted Cruz]

During senator Ted Cruz’s speech announcing his run for president, he repeatedly asked voters to imagine the country what it would look like with him as it’s leader. And he repeatedly asked voters to stop laughing. He was serious. He could win.

[Picture changes to Harry Reid]

Friday, senator Harry Reid said that he came to his decision to not run for re-election while he was recovering from his exercising accident. That’s right, an exercising accident. And definitely not roughed off by senate badass, [Picture changes to Mitch McConnell smoking wearing a leather jacket.] Mitch McConnell.