Dope Squad

Trisa Hogan… Aidy Bryant

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with promotion interview of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for a movie.]

Trisa Hogan: Hi ladies. I’m Trisa Hogan for Pop News Daily After Show Podcast .Jpeg.

Tina Fey: Hi there.

Amy Poehler: Hi.

Trisa Hogan: You know, you got movies, television, kids. How do you juggle it all?

Amy Poehler: You know, we just have a great squad of people who help us out.

Trisa Hogan: Oh yeah, squad! Models and stars.

Tina Fey: No! It’s not like that. You wanna know what it’s like? Then shut the hell up and listen.

[music playing] [Cut to movie Tina & Amy’s Dope Squad intro. It’s showing females with arms and weapons.]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: [singing] We’ve gotta deep dope squad
it takes our daily job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we roll deep, hey!

The woman at the diner
who always knows my order
my mammogram technician
dude who returned my wallet in taxi

There’s our gynecologist
our real life gynecologist
we share a gynecologist
she’s a huge part of the squad

Trisa Hogan: I think I get what you guys are saying. It’s like…

[rapping] A queen ain’t a queen just for sitting up front
she needs a whole damn crew, she can’t do it alone
it’s a healthy mix of friends and assistant
offering support and taking care of business
it can be M.I.A. from the P.T.A.
coz you’re picking up Leche from Trader Jose’s
slice in two duet with a samurai
all the while dealing with U.T.I.

So, you guys are like, so, so, down to earth.

Tina Fey: No.don’t misunderstand bitch.

Amy Poehler: Our squad is veritable, who’s who.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We hanging with Gayle King
Robert Downey Sr.
You’ve heard of Amy Schumer

Tina Fey: Well I did her show so she owes me one

Amy Poehler: Favor!

Amy Schumer: Wait, is this not a charity thing?

Tina Fey: In a way.

Amy Poehler: Sort of.

Tina Fey: You know what? Let’s just do a slow motion post apocalyptic walk.

Amy Schumer: Okay.

[Amy starts showing funny moves]

Wait, who are we mad at?

All: We’ve got a dope squad
It takes care of our job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we will do it!

[Scene where Trisa Hogan, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Amy Schumer are walking side by side and there’s an explosion at the back.]

Amy Schumer: Oh, my god!

Tina Fey: Guys, you cannot just trigger an explosion and not tell people.

Amy Poehler: It’s a different world now, guys!

Tina Fey: Trisa Hogan0 times! Trisa Hogan0 times.

Amy Poehler: Okay, everyone alright?

Amy Schumer: No. No, I’m suing everyone here.

Trisa Hogan: Okay.

[The End]

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro] [cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in] [cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]

Advice To Running Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Young Hillary Clinton… Amy Poehler

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

[Starts with Hillary Clinton talking to herself on a mirror in The Clinton Residence on Christmas Eve. She is wearing a robe.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I’m dreaming of a White House

Merry Christmas Hillary. Oh! In just eleven months you’re gonna finally get your present. No one can stop you now. The republicans are bozos, the DNC is sabotaging Bernie, I think you’re gonna sleep well tonight. Let me just get in my pajamas.

[Present Hillary Clinton opens her robe and inside, she is wearing her usual black dress and a blue coat, and a necklace.]

So relaxing. Perfect! Now let’s just get tucked in the bed in here. All nice and cozy. For a night of productive dreaming.

[Present Hillary Clinton suddenly falls asleep] [smoke is coming from everywhere and someone is laughing]

Is someone there? I hear strong yet feminine laughter.

[Past Hillary Clinton appears in the smoke]

Past Hillary Clinton: Hillary, it’s me, Hillary.

[cheers and applause]

It’s me, Hillary from 2008.

Present Hillary Clinton: Hi Hillary. Hi Hillary.

Past Hillary Clinton: Hello Hillary.

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Ah!

Past Hillary Clinton: You changed your hair.

Present Hillary Clinton: Yes, yes. People said I should so I did.[laughing]

Past Hillary Clinton: And your laugh is different too. It’s less joyful.

Present Hillary Clinton: Well, well, I’ve been through seven years more things. So… Here’s the little sneak peak. Benghazi.

Past Hillary Clinton: Who is Benghazi?

Present Hillary Clinton: [laughing] You young naive girl of 61. But don’t worry. It all works out. We’re about to be president.

Past Hillary Clinton: That’s actually why I’m here Hillary. To warn you. On Christmas eve, 2007, I was cocky too. And then someone named Barack Obama stumbled out of his soup kitchen with a basketball and cigarette and stole my life.

Present Hillary Clinton: I remember. I remember but it’s different this time. I’m running against Bernie never heard of him Sanders.

Past Hillary Clinton: What? Bernie? We love Bernie. He’s a great senator.

Present Hillary Clinton: [stopping Past Hillary Clinton] Bernie Sanders is a human Birkenstock. Mama’s got this presidency in the bag. So, we’ll pound to that.

Past Hillary Clinton: Let’s what to what?

Present Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s how I have to talk in 2015. Not enough to just work hard, we have to be cool but tough, soft but strong, sweet old lady but a sweet old lady that says, “Yas, queen!”

Past Hillary Clinton: Now, hold on Hillary. Even if you beat Bernie, aren’t you worried about the republicans? Who is their front runner?

Present Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I will tell you but only if you grab on to something to brace yourself because you are going to hit the f-ing floor.

Past Hillary Clinton: I’ll be fine. Just tell me.

Present Hillary Clinton: No, yet you need to hold on to something.

Past Hillary Clinton: Hillary.

Present Hillary Clinton: I am warning you.

Past Hillary Clinton: Just tell me.

Present Hillary Clinton: Donald Trump.

[Past Hillary Clinton falls down on the floor]

I told you.

Past Hillary Clinton: Oh, my god! We’re gonna be president.

Present Hillary Clinton: I know!

[smoke is coming from everywhere again]

What is this? Did you bring someone else with you?

[Sarah Palin appears in the smoke]

Sarah Palin: Oh jeez! Looks like I went through time and space again.

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Hello Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, what the heck. I landed in the bedroom of a lesbian couple.

Past Hillary Clinton: We’re not lesbians. We’re Hillary Clintons.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Oh, right. We ran for president together. Oh, you poor thing. I heard that after you lost you had to become a secretary.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton looking furious]

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Of State!

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Oh god, that was a real fun election. I was paired up with that cute little John McKin fella. May he rest in peace I’m guessing.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: He’s alive.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: I remember he was great. I remember he had that real funny saying. He said, “Sarah, you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Sarah, that’s fun but can we focus? Coz I’m running for president again and I’m getting advice from the smartest woman I know.

Past Hillary Clinton: Me!

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Well, jeez! I should be the one giving you advice coz in 2008, [Cut to everybody] I got a heck of a lot closer to the White House than this gal did.

[Past Hillary Clinton is walking forward to fight with Sarah Palin, but Present Hillary Clinton is stopping her.] [Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Here’s my advice. You gotta do what you believe in your spirit but also America, but not teachers and their fat liberal books, but also and even why worry about fast food wages with their status quo which is another Latin word, status quo. Meanwhile Americans are being taken for a ride and also the men can only ride you when your back is bent. So…

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Okay, well, thank you Sarah.

Past Hillary Clinton: Yeah, she’ll keep that in mind.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Also, if it gets too hard, just quit. Who cares?

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Past Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Present Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Past Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

[Cut to everybody]

Sarah Palin: Hillary, we should let you get going and get back to some sleep.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Past Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I need to get back to 2008 and send a bunch of emails.

[Past Hillary Clinton takes her phone out to send emails but Present Hillary Clinton takes away her phone and breaks it.]

Present Hillary Clinton: No!

Past Hillary Clinton: But Hillary, my secrets!

Present Hillary Clinton: Trust me, you’ll thank me later. Now ladies, before you go I know we’re all from different times and we have different politics but should we take a sec to do that thing we all love to do?

Sarah Palin: Oh heck yeah, Hillary!

Past Hillary Clinton: Let’s do it.

[rap music starts playing and all three of them start dancing.] [The End]

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tech companies Google and Apple have recently been criticized for their lack of diversity in the workforce. Here to talk about is our own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sasheer Zamata: Wow. Colin, if you want evidence of Tech companies’ lack of diversity, just look at your phone. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] There are over 800 emojis available on Apple products, and not one of them is of a black person.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Wait a second, you’re saying there’s not one black emoji?

Sasheer Zamata: Not one. So, if I wanna refer to myself with an emoji, this is what I have to use. [A picture o black moon with a face emoji appears.]

Colin Jost: Like, a dark moon?

Sasheer Zamata: Um-hmm. Yeah, that’s the closest thing they have. It looks like a baby Charles Barkley. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] Unicode, the company that creates emojis thought that instead of one black person, we needed two different kinds of dragons, nine different cat faces, three generations of a white family and all the hands are white too. Even the black power fist is white. But on the plus side, they do have [A picture of a ghost emoji appears. He has one black eye.] KKK member that got punched in the face.

I have figured out how to convey other black experiences using emojis that we do have. So, take a look at this.

[car emoji + cop car emoji + torch light emoji = clock emoji, sad face emoji]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Yeah, now what’s that?

Sasheer Zamata: Okay, Michael. What do you see?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s easy. You got pulled over, the cops are searching your car and you’re gonna be late.]

Sasheer Zamata: Exactly.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. And then I used this one to tell my friend that [dark moon emoji + car emoji, taxi emoji, blue car emoji, truck emoji, lorry emoji+ hourglass emoji, square emoji, mic speaker emoji + deaf monkey emoji, blind monkey emoji, mute monkey emoji] I stopped traffic in Time Square protesting the Grand Jury.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Got you. Yes, I gotta say, I really don’t like it when you use that dark moon.

Sasheer Zamata: That’s all I got. And my friend responded with [cop emoji + crying emoji + smoke emoji = running emoji] if the police start using tear gas, run. And then I responded with this.[bowling emoji] [Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, you asked her to go bowling?

Sasheer Zamata: No, I was telling her that the police were question our friend DaQuan.

Michael Che: Yes, you see those three white pins are the cops. And that ball is DaQuan. DaQuan is big.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah. Here’s the actual photo of what DaQuan looked like at the time.

[Cut to a picture of bald Kenan taking a selfie  and there are three white cops behind him. And there is the bowling emoji at left side of the picture. It looks simiar.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s DaQuan. SaSheer Zamata, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A 2014 study shows that despite the wealth of talented actresses in Hollywood, women still remain grossly unrepresented when it comes to major film roles. Here to give us her take, a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in] [cheers and applause]

Heather: Hi, Colin. I’m Heather, from work. You probably haven’t noticed me because I wear glasses. But later I might take them off and you might notice me.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Thanks for coming. Um..

Heather: You’re welcome Jost. And I’m calling you by your last name coz I’m fun and crazy and surprising and hot, and a girl. Confusing, right? Welcome to my world. I sleep in New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, that’s good to know.

Heather: I’m just– I’m not one of those girls who just eats salads. I like burgers and wings and beer. I just have a body of a salad girl. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what are your thoughts on the lack of a well written female role in Hollywood?

Heather: Since when are you interested in my thoughts? All you care about is pulling stunts like the one back there at the big meeting. You completely screwed up my presentation. One day, you’re gonna have to grow up.

Colin Jost: I feel like you’re confusing me with someone else.

Heather: Hey, what are you doing here? Get out of here! I’m chancing. I was almost in my bra and panties. So, annoying because I actually started liking you.

[Heather looks downwards and starts crying]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you crying?

Heather: Nice try.

Colin Jost: Look, I’m really sorry. I have zero idea what’s going on right now. But I did not mean to hurt your feelings.

Heather: Wow, you really have changed.

Colin Jost: I have.

Heather: Yeah, it’s all over your face. You know, when we started this conversation, I didn’t believe in you. But what you did back there, that really took balls. And I’m not going to river with Dave. I’m staying right here with you at the record store.

Colin Jost: What record store?

Heather: My sassy black friend Tracy said you were funny. Bitch didn’t lie.

[romantic music playing. Heather removes her glasses.]

Colin Jost: Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you there.

Heather: Yeah, it’s me. Heather from work. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Extremely. a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Jacob The Bar Mitzvah Boy on Hanukkah Origins

Michael Che

Colin Jost

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?

[Michael Che silently opens his book]

Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.

[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]

Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: In conclusion…

Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: And lastly…

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?

[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]

bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Queens map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new guide book list a best tourist destination in the country as Queens, New York. This, according to a recent misprint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of students at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, teenage boys are just as vicious as teenage girls, when it comes to rumors and making nasty comments. The study was conduct by my high school yearbook photo.

[Picture changes to German Airline Lufthansa]

German airline Lufthansa has announced that it will accommodate passengers to the middle east by allowing people in first class to bring falcons on the plane. So, now the two animals you can bring with you on planes are falcons and small dogs. [Picture changes to a falcon preying on small dog.]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a White House technology event, vice president Joe Biden told the group of girls writing computer code that they were as smart as any boy in the world. And then he turned around and walked directly into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s has released a video online to prove the chicken McNuggets are made out of real chicken. And not as the taste suggests, pigeons that committed suicide.

[Picture changes to a lottery ticket.]

A convicted sex offender has won more than $2 million in the state lottery. At which point he shouted, “I’m going 200 feet from Disney World.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Rick Perry.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Texas governor Rick Perry said that running for the presidency is not an IQ test. [Picture changes to George Bush] Of course its not a IQ test. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton] And it’s also not a lie detector test. [Picture changes to Richard Nixon] Or an ethics test. [picture changes to Franklin D. Roosevelt] or a footrace.

[Picture changes to Cuba Gooding Jr. and OJ Simpson]

Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as OJ Simpson in a new mini series about the football player’s murder trial. Gooding is still best known, of course, for his famous catch phrase, “I need the work, man!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton at left top corner.]

Prince William and Kate Middleton visited New York city this week. While they were here, they saw the Brooklyn Nets play against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron finished with 18 points, four rebounds [Picture changes to Prince William and Kate Middleton and LeBron James. LeBron has his hand on Kate’s shoulder while Prince William is looking away] and one steal.

[Picture changes to CIA logo and a file.]

The senate this week released a report on the CIA’s harsh interrogation methods which included details such as the rectal feeding a pure aid hummus, pasta, nuts and raisins. Actually, I don’t know if that was from the torture report or it was just a cleanse I read about on goop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Dick Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dick Cheney criticized the senate report on CIA interrogation methods as “A bunch of hooey”. Cheney also complained that the report’s description of torture “bare got me hard.”

[Picture changes to a jail]

The senate report shows that the CIA paid two psychologists $80 million to design the torture program. $80 million? Were they waterboarding with [Picture changes to a bottle of Palleogrino] Palleogrino? Also you don’t have to use torture to get people to admit stuff. Just get them really drunk and log them into facebook. It worked on my ex, that’s how I found out my son’s real father was Denver Nuggets. Hey, but I still love you little [Picture changes to JaVale McGee’s face on baby’s body] JaVale McGee Jr.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sony PlayStation on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sony was hit by another cyber attack this week, which took it’s PlayStation network offline for hours. Giving gamers a chance to finally go outside and get some fresh weed.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of oil barrels on right top corner.]

Michael Che: For the first time in five years, the price of oil fell below $60 a barrel, which is so low that it also a pretty good deal on barrels.

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]