Waterbed Warehouse

Dom McWeber… Martin Freeman

Jeanine… Aidy Bryant

Delivery guys… Jay Pharoah, Taran Killam

[Starts with Dom McWeber talking in front of two beautiful queen size beds.]

Dom McWeber: Hi there, folks. I am Dam McWeber. Proud owner of Waterbed Warehouse. We are Upper South Dakota’s premiere Waterbed distributor. You might have heard our jingle on the radio.

[Cut to Jeanine singing in a fancy gown]

Jeanine: [singing] Waterbed warehouse
A Waterbeds are the best!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: That lady with the face and the eyes, that was my wife Jeanine. She looks pretty spiffy, don’t she? That dress cost me a pretty penny but it was all worth it. She writes all our catchy jingles.

[Cut to Jeanine lying on a bed. The bed sheet has her photo.]

Jeanine: That’s me, Jeanine!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: She was a stay at home mom for the past 20 years, but recently she got called up on stages of volunteer to local magic show. That little taste of the spotlight made Jeanine realize she was born to be a star. So, daily and nightly, she insisted she become the face of Waterbed Warehouse. And I said, “Um, okay.” Hey folks, looking for the number to call and get a great Waterbed? Here it is.

[Cut to Jeanine. The phone number is appearing and disappearing on the screen.]

Jeanine: [singing] Call 1-605-555-0100
and hold that 100 down for a while
yeah, hold that number down hard
Waterbed warehouse
a Waterbed’s are the best

[She jumps on the bed that has her picture on it’s bed sheet. The rose petals fall on her.] [Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Wow. Now that is talent. So, come on down to our showroom. Off Interstate 90 by the airport, we’re releasing the spots coz we remodeled our store front.

[Cut to a picture of Waterbed Warehoue. It has big board of Jeanine’s face on it.] [Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Jeanine said all successful companies have a mascot. Like flow from Progressive and the Geico Gecko. She also kept mentioning the doritos clown which I don’t think is really a thing. Either way, there’s no sleep like a Waterbed sleep. But I’ll let my wife Jeanine explain that.

[Cut to Jeanine laying on the bed.]

Jeanine: [singing] Splashing in the night
the water around me brings me rest
the ocean is my prayer
because a Waterbed’s are the huh-huh-huh
I said a Waterbed’s are the– not quite yet!
I said a Waterbed’s are the– no, no, no
I said a Waterbeds are the best!

[Two men without shirt come in with the sparklers. They have Jeanine’s photos on their shoulders.] [cheers and applause

Oh yeah!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Those are our delivery guys. And they’re great. You know what’s also great? Now through Christmas, we’ll deliver and fill you bed for free!

[Cut to Jeanine. She is wearing a rasta hat and she had dread locks now.]

Jeanine: [talking like Jamaican] For free! That deal be crazy, man!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Don’t worry. That’s still Jeanine! She was just doing one of her characters. I just hope I don’t lose her to Hollywood. Everyone wants a piece of Jeanine. She’s a one woman party.

[Cut to Jeanine. Hiphop beat playing.]

Jeanine: [rapping] Put your hands up
if you wanna Waterbed
put your hands up
yeah!
Everybody loves a Waterbed
fill your bed up with water if you wanna Waterbed
because…

[A big board of Jeanine’s face slides down. The mouth part opens and Jeanine puts her head on that hole.]

A Waterbeds are the best!

[Dom McWeber walks in]

Dom McWeber: So, get down to Waterbed Warehouse. Why? Because…

Dom McWeber and Jeanine: A Waterbeds are the best!

Sump’n Claus

Jay Phroah

Pete Davidson

Sump’n Claus… Kenan Thompson

Two girls… Cecily Strong, Sasheer Zamata

Sheila… Venessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Marcus… Martin Freeman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jay sitting on a couch when Pate walks in]

Jay: Hey, what’s up man? How was the concert?

Pate: It sucked. Me and my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.

Jay:  Ah! Don’t worry about it man! You always get a visit from Sump’n Claus.

Pate: Who’s that?

[Cut to Sump’n Claus book. The book opens.] [Cut to Sump’n Claus walking with two women behind him] [music playing]

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Yeah! Everybody get Sump’n
everybody getting Sump’n

Two women: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Was a girl name Sheila

[Cut to Sheila decorating her Christmas tree.]

had a meet with a man

[Cut to Kyle]

They were supposed to go to dinner

[Cut to Sheila and Kyle arguing]

but he had other plans
he said she was dominating
tried to take her diamond earrings
said that she was profiteering
soon he would be mis-appearing
she got mad, was on fire
took a knife inside his tyres
boom and boom, guns in fire
Santa said you no longer qualify-ya
But you know what I said?

[Cut to Sheila being sad, but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives her money.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

and I’m not talking about no toys

I give cash.

white envelope filled with 20s, sometimes 50s. Cash! And where am I getting this cash? Hey, man. We don’t need to talk about that.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Here’s a story about Marcus

[Cut to Marcus at his office]

He’s working for the man

[Cut to Beck yeeling at Marcus]

works super long hours
does everything he can
one day he had all he can handle
threw everything and caused a scandal
broke his computer in the shambles
the mess he made was quite substantial 

[Cut to Marcus attacking Beck and getting arrested]

He got fired, got arrested
cops throw out but we protested
Santa said, “Man, you’ve been rejected”
but you know what I say

[Marcus is leaving office with his stuffs but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives him an envelope filled with cash.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

Oh, you sweating Santa being mad at you? What you thought y’all was friends? He sees you when you sleeping. That’s weird. I’ma tell you a secret. He hit somebody with that sleighs. Don’t like to talk about it.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Let me tell you my story
it was a long time ago
I used to work for Santa
up at the North Pole
one day I was working at my station
Mrs. Claus started a conversation
both of us felt a sweet sensation
so we agreed on recreation
brought me inside, made some coco
she served me something so loco
Santa walked in and said, “That’s a no no”
but you know what I said
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: And I’m talking about everybody. Justin Bieber getting Sump’n. Paula Deen getting Sump’n. Donald Sterling getting Sump’n. Suge Knight getting Sump’n. Kevin Bacon is getting Sump’n.

Sasheer: What’s wrong with Kevin Bacon?

Sump’n Claus: Oh, nothing. He’s just my homie.

[Cut to everybody getting Sump’n and being happy.]

Go ahead, be naughty. I got you!

[music stops]

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular

Devin… Pete Davidson

Pastor Pat… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Drubbler… Jay Pharoah

Bethany Opsal… Aidy Bryant

Ryan Welty… Kyle Mooney

Colleen Chapin… Cecily Strong

[Cut to people going in the church]

Male voice: It’s Christmas and you know what that means. It’s time for you annual trip to church with your parents.

[rock music stars playing]

And you’re in luck coz this year, St. Joseph’s church is going full throttle. With our one night only, Christmas Mass Spectacular. We’ve got appearances by all your church favorites. Like, Devin. [Cut to Devin] The newly atheist teen who is making a point of not saying the prayers.

[Cut to Pastor Pat who is sleepy]

Pastor Pat who sings everything at constantly changing speeds.

[Cut to Pastor Pat singing in different speeds.]

Pastor Pat: [singing fast] For glory and honor’s is yours almighty father,
[singing slow] forever and ever

[Cut to Mr. Drubbler]

Male voice: And Mr. Drubbler, who is eager to say ‘Peace be with you’ while holding out the sweatiest hand you’ve ever seen.

[Mr. Drubbler gives his hand to shake]

Still not sold? Well, we got organist Linda Tayhoe. [Cut to Linda Tayhoe playing organ]

Watch her take 20 minutes to arrange her sheet music and still start on the wrong chord.

[Linda Tayhoe is playing organ all wrong] [Cut to Bethany Opsal with the choir group.]

Plus, teen soloist, Bethany Opsal who is up there in the choir trying hard as hell.

Bethany Opsal: [singing]Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path

Male voice: Yeah! And don’t miss St. Joseph’s back to back liturgical readers. [Cut to Ryan Welty walking to the podium to speak] 12 year old Ryan Welty who really doesn’t wanna be doing this.

[Ryan Welty reads from the bible but it’s unintelligible because he’s speaking fast and unclear.] [Cut to Colleen Chapin]

And 44 year old Colleen Chapin who really, really does.

Colleen Chapin: [liturgical reading] A reading from Paul to the Corinthians. Take, eat…

[Cut to an old man sleeping]

Male voice: Looking for even more fun? Check up the Sherman where you’ll hear the softest Pastor joke followed by the softest parishioner laugh.

[Cut to Pastor Pat]

Pastor Pat: The wise men had to follow the north star for three weeks. And back then, they didn’t have map quest.

[Cut to Beck in the church slightly laughing alone.]

Male voice: And who’s that over there? [Cut to Filipino ladies filling up the church seats] It’s rows and rows of little Filipino ladies you’ve never seen before. But they must live nearby because this is their church. Plus, here all 44 verses of “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” We’re not skipping the Latin verses this mass.

[Cut to people in church singing in Latino.] [Cut to Leslie talking to a person next to her.]

Leslie: Ay, is this song still about Jesus?

[Cut to Pastor Pat shaking hands with everybody]

Male voice: And at the end of the service, stay and have your mind blown by watching Pastor Pat walk to his house. [Devin is watching Pastor Pat.] It’s connected to the church. Trying to catch a quick glimpse inside. Wow, it’s just a little table in there. So, this Christmas, come to St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular. It’s church but on a Thursday.

Right Side of the Bed with Martin Freeman

Corey Chisum… Taran Killam

Grace Chisum… Cecily Strong

Louis Dukes… Martin Freeman

Kyle Mooney

Emily Margine… Aidy Bryant

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV Atlanta intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WSB/TV Atlanta. Up next, it’s Right side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right side of the Bed video bumper] [Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum on a sofa]

Corey Chisum: Good mid-morning, y’all.

Grace Chisum: Y’all, you’re watching Right side of the Bed. I’m Grace Chisum. And I’m here with my husband, the diva, himself.

Corey Chisum: Ah! Oh, please! I m Corey Chisum and she’s already trying to get on my nerves.

Grace Chisum: You just can handle it.

Corey Chisum: I handled you for about two hours straight last night, didn’t hear you complain.

Grace Chisum: Corey, get your mouth out of the gutter.

Corey Chisum: Well, excuse me, that’s where it lives.

Grace Chisum: Okay, whatever guys, we got some great guests today. Coming up later is local contractor Louis Dukes.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

He’s gonna show us some right tips winterizing our homes.

Corey Chisum: There he is. Hi, Louis. He’s little cutie. He promises that he is gonna cut our heating bill in half.

Grace Chisum: Well, if anyone could do it, Louis Dukes can do it. He’s the best.

Corey Chisum: I hear you.

Louis Dukes: Um, am I still on camera?

Corey Chisum: Wave and smile

Louis Dukes: Wave and smile? Okay.

Corey Chisum: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, now that’s enough wave. Okay, Louis, we’re gonna check in with you later.

Grace Chisum: Bye, Louis. Boy, I can’t wait to hear those tips. Our bills so ding-dong high.

Corey Chisum: Well, our bill’s high coz you always got the fridge door open.

Grace Chisum: Now, Corey, don’t go there. I can talk about my weight, you cannot.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m the one who dresses you in the morning.

Grace Chisum: Oh, please.

Corey Chisum: I’m the one who has to zip up your slacks in the back.

Grace Chisum: Oh, my god.

Corey Chisum: Thank you.

Grace Chisum: Corey! Just looking at you makes me tired.

Corey Chisum: Ah!

Grace Chisum: Okay, guys, if you’re just joining us, later on we’ve got local contractor Louis Dukes with his winter tips.

[Cut to Louis Dukes chewing his nails]

Corey Chisum: Alright Louis. We caught him. We caught him off guard. That’s okay, Louis. I guess he’s just about the handiest man around.

Louis Dukes: Is it time now?

[Kyle comes in]

Kyle: No, we’re just on our way. You look great.] [Kyle walks away] [Louis Dukes is waving his one hand and holding a saw with his other hand.]

Corey Chisum: Oh, my goodness. Looks like he’s got a lot to show us, something with the saw. Oh, man, we can’t wait to talk to you a little bit later, Louis.

Grace Chisum: Okay, see you soon Louis.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Oh, man! Is it just me or he’s as cute as the cutest thing there could be?

Corey Chisum: Oh! Watch it, lady. You are all mine.

Grace Chisum: You know, I’m joking. I’m just pulling both of your legs.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m gonna pull your hair while you pull something else on me.

Grace Chisum: Corey! You are a true hand on.

Corey Chisum: What? I’m just a red blooded American male like everybody else on the planet.

Grace Chisum: Okay. You’re acting like a tool. And tools are Louis’s thing.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

There he is.

Louis Dukes: Are you kidding?

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on, dance!

[Kyle walks away] [Louis Dukes starts dancing]

Corey Chisum: Wow, Louis, Louis, he gotta go! Oh, my goodness. That I’m so excited. Look, he’s dancing.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Grace Chisum: Wow, does he know how to tease a segment or what?

Corey Chisum: I wish you knew something about teasing.

Grace Chisum: Oh! Please! I am the one who likes foreplay.

Corey Chisum: Get real, miss thing. You just hop on it like a hog full of corncob.

Grace Chisum: You are out of control today. Okay guys, before we get to Louis, we got something kind of sad. We’re gonna be talking to our producer Emily Margine whose half brother was just this morning at 7 am executed by the side of Georgia.

[Cut to Emily Margine waving her hand]

Oh, she must be sad.

Corey Chisum: Yeah, she sure looks sad, don’t she?

[cut to sad Emily Margine and Louis Dukes dancing]

Oh, but look at Louis. He’s still dancing.

Louis Dukes: Am I supposed to be here right now?

Emily Margine: Why are you dancing?

Louis Dukes: He told me to.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Corey Chisum: What? That’s a phrase he told her.

Grace Chisum: Okay, someone’s trying to be a drama queen up in here.

Corey Chisum: Excuse me, Louis, that is my job.

Grace Chisum: That’s his.

Corey Chisum: It’s on my license plate. D-R-M-A-N-Q-N, Drama-qn.

Grace Chisum: Guys, you got a cigarette, coz we’ve got so many great guests. We got Louis Dukes, Sad producer Margine, and best of all, country sensation Keith Urban is here to show us how to winterize our home.

[Cut to Louis Dukes, Emily Margine and Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Your house is gonna be as warm as wallway’s patch.

Louis Dukes: Keith Urban is winterizing too? Why?

Kyle: Just dance.

[Louis Dukes start dancing]

Corey Chisum: We’ll be back. See you later.

Grace Chisum: I will see you guys.

Corey Chisum: Thanks Louis.

Holiday Gig

Treece Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Rad Dates… Kyle Mooney

Isaac Luneberi… Martin Freeman

Roman… Taran Killam

[Starts with a band performing in a restaurant]

Treece Hinderson: So great to have been performing at the Pine River Lodge annual tree lighting tonight. Once again, I am Treece Hinderson. I need to apologize to all of the ladies, my red jumpsuit is in the cleaners. It had worn very thin in the couple of spots. You know how that goes.

[Cut to everybody]

How is everybody’s Christmas? Looking good? Well, great! Here we go.

[drum rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Oh! Ladies and gentlemen. I could not do any of this without these guys. The amazing house band here at the Pine River Lodge. You know them. Making all those wonderful sounds on his magic box, Mr. Rad Dates.

[Cut to Rad Dates]

Rad Dates: Treece, love you man!

[Cut to the band]

Treece Hinderson: Ha-ha, love you too bud. And Mr. Isaac Luneberi on Sax.

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi playing saxophone] [Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Ah! Isaac is such a good friend for letting me stay with him for this annual event. Thank you so much, Isaac.

Isaac Luneberi: You are welcome.

Treece Hinderson: Let me tell you something. This guy has been through a really rough patch.

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Oh, I didn’t want to talk about that tonight.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: I think you need to.

Isaac Luneberi: No, these people don’t wanna hear about my troubles.

Treece Hinderson: But it might feel good to talk about it.

Isaac Luneberi: Can we just play the song?

Treece Hinderson: Are you sure?

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Yeah, I’ve been instructed not to talk about it, okay?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Are you in trouble?

Isaac Luneberi: Yes.

Treece Hinderson: Because of what you did to Roman?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m not supposed to talk about it, okay?

Treece Hinderson: So, nothing was resolved.

Isaac Luneberi: No.

Treece Hinderson: Fine.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Whoo! It is really happening. Look at this lovely couple down front here.

[Cut to the couple]

How are you guys feeling?

Man: Curious.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: What? What about?

[Cut to the couple]

Woman: Well, about what’s going on with your Sax player.

Man: And like, who is Roman and what did he do to him and all of it.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: You see, Isaac? Is there anything you could do to clear it up a bit?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m just here for the gig, my man.

Treece Hinderson: Fine! Look, we’re just trying to help you. I mean what happened with Roman?

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

[phone ringing] [Cut to the couple]

Is that a phone that I hear ringing? We explicitly told you that your ringers should be off.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi. Isaac Luneberi takes his phone out.]

Isaac Luneberi: No, it’s my phone. Oh, I have to get that. My ADT security system’s calling me.

Treece Hinderson: Oh, is there a problem at your condo?

[Cut to the couple]

Woman: Oh, did Roman break in?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! That’s interesting. I didn’t think of that. [asking Isaac Luneberi] Is that why they’re calling?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi. Isaac Luneberi is still on the phone.]

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Just a second. I’m talking to the police. [talking on the phone] My code is 5866.

Treece Hinderson: Where’s the damage?

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] I’m listening.

Treece Hinderson: Is it in the living area?

Isaac Luneberi: Be quiet. [talking on the phone] The guest bedroom?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! No! But that’s where I am staying.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] Bran Sact? Are you kidding me?

Treece Hinderson: Bran Sact? Does that means that they took my red boots?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m– I’m– I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.

Treece Hinderson: Ask them if they see some red boots.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Can you just wait a second?

Treece Hinderson: Oh, that sucks. Those are my red boots. Ask them about the boots.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Will you shut up?

Treece Hinderson: There were two boots. A left boot and a right boot. And both boots are red.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] Okay. Are there any boots lying around? Yeah. [talking to Treece Hinderson] They don’t see any red boots.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! Those are my mama’s boots. And they also feet me.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Hit the switch!

[The Christmas tree lights are on]

Oh! Gorgeous!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Oh, my god!

Treece Hinderson: What? What is it?

Isaac Luneberi: It’s Roman. He’s standing next to the tree.

[Cut to Roman] [Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Ah! And he’s got my boots!

[Cut to Roman. He shows the red boots. It’s a ladies boots.]

Do you think that he’s come to kill us?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: That’s a hard maybe.

Treece Hinderson: Oh, well I hope he’s got some patience. Because we have to unplug that tree and do another shout.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed

[Roman is dancing like he’s marching and he’s showing the boots.]

twiddle-do-twad
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

[cheers and applause]

Hobbit Office

Bilbo Baggins… Martin Freeman

Gandalf… Bobby Moynihan

Gollum… Taran Killam

[Starts with characters from The Hobbit working in office.]

Bilbo Baggins: What have I been up to? I went on a quest. [Cut to Bilbo Baggins] Saved middle earth. Became a bit of a hero. Did the noble thing and turned down loads of treasure. Yeah, so the brave Hobbit Bilbo Baggins now works at a paper company. Selling paper memes of the phone. And I drive a Jetta.

[Cut to “The Office: Middle Earth” intro. There are farms, horse carriage and people like in The Hobbit.] [Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: So, the woodman comes to me and says, “Thank you, Gandalf, General Manager, for this job.” I say, “Okay, you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? Visa V, A.K.A. for you! So maybe one day they end up here, in the up seat. Lord of the rings.

[Cut to a woman in the office. Her phone is ringing.] [Cut to Gollum calling] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Gandalf: Gollum? Hate him.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum ]

Bilbo Baggins: I see you’re in lately.

Gollum : [yelling] Oh! Where is it? Where is it? [looking for something everywhere.] [He opens his desk drawer and finds the ring inside the jelly.]

Oh! Ha-ha. Hilarious. Very funny. I’m fairly amused.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins laughing]

Ew!

[Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: Ring in the jelly, huh?

Gollum : Are you gonna do something about this?

Bilbo Baggins: That wasn’t me.

Gollum : Then who was it?

Bilbo Baggins: I have no idea.

Gollum : Oh, sure you do.

Gandalf: Don’t touch it. Oh! [Gandalf is putting the ring on and off] Sexual!

[Cut to Gandalf in his office]

Gandalf: More so than a boss, I’m more of a chilled out entertainer/wizard.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and Gollum ]

Gandalf: You wanna hear a joke? Why do Orcs have such big penises?

[Orc walks in]

It’s to dis– Oh, yeah!

Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf, why do they have such big penises?

[Orc speaks in another language but the caption reads, “To distract from their faces, right?”]

Gandalf: Hello! Racist!

[Gandalf leaves] [Cut to Gandalf and Gollum ]

Gollum : Relax, Gandalf. He’s a funny man. No, he’s stupid and fat.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and a woman elf. She is calling Gollum .]

Gollum : Hello?

Woman elf: You have a very important client to see you in the woman’s restroom.

Gollum : What?

[Gollum  looks here and there, straightened his tie and left.]

Bilbo Baggins: He straightened his tie. He straightened his tie. He went.

[Cut to the door of women’s bathroom]

Screaming woman: Ah! Get out!

[Gollum  walks out] [Bilbo Baggins and the woman elf acting to be busy.]

Bilbo Baggins: So, can you get on to that in next couple of hours?

Woman elf: Yes.

[Cut to Gollum ]

Gollum : That was nasty tricksies!

[Cut to Orc and Bilbo Baggins eating facing each other.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf running into each other.]

Bilbo Baggins: Hi Gandalf.

Gandalf: Dildo Baggins?

[Cut to everybody having fun in the office.] [Gandalf starts dancing and others don’t like it.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Bilbo Baggins: Well, you don’t choose the people you work with.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum . Gollum  is eating a raw fish and Bilbo Baggins is disgusted.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Bilbo Baggins: Or go on a quest with.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and woman elf looking at each other in the meeting]

So, when you have a connection with someone, that means something.

[Cut to woman elf running with her bow and arrows.]

Woman elf: Everybody, they’ve breached the wall.

[Everyone is preparing for the battle.]

Bilbo Baggins: Okay, there’s now giant spiders in the parking lot.

[Bilbo Baggins also joins others for the battle.] [Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: Those shall not pass! Cheeky!

Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose… Taran Killam

James Mitchell… Bobby Moynihan

Bruce Jessen… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Charlie Rose intro]

Announcer: From our studios in New York city, this is Charlie Rose.

[Cut to Charlie Rose in his set.] [cheers and applause]

Charlie Rose: Good evening and welcome to program this week. Senate democrats release their reports of the CIA’s use of torture. Which is a subject that is near and dear to my heart as a man who has been isolated in a dark room for the past 20 years. The report is like a menu from the cheesecake factory. 600 pages of sickening details and yet I couldn’t put it down. Perhaps the most shocking revelation was that two clinical psychologists were paid over $80 million to brainstorm types of torture that CIA could use. Joining us tonight are those two psychologists, [Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen] James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen.

James Mitchell: Thank you for having us, Charlie.

Bruce Jessen: Really great to get our names out there.

[Cut to Charlie Rose, James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Charlie Rose: Now, you two were the architects for this entire CIA program.

James Mitchell: Correct. We were hired as consultants and helped create it.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: All the torture techniques we’ve been reading about, that was you guys?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Well it was a team effort, obviously. I mean, there’s no ‘I’ in torture, so.

Bruce Jessen: There are eyes sometimes. You know, you get the point.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: [laughing] I do. And for your work, the government paid you $80 million. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Yes, Charlie, but you have to remember, that’s divided two ways.

[Cut to Charlie Rose] Charlie Rose: Of course. Now, are you surprised by the public outcry that’s come from what you’ve done?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: We are. It’s upsetting and honestly, we’re just afraid that people will only judge us from our CIA work.

Bruce Jessen: Yeah, we don’t wanna get pigeon hold.

James Mitchell: No, we don’t wanna be known just as “The rectal feeding guys.”

Bruce Jessen: Because CIA torture, it’s only a very small part of what we do.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Oh, I see. I see you have other clients as well?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, definitely. We’re consultants for some of the top corporations in America.

Bruce Jessen: For example, are you familiar with Time Warner cable?

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: You work with Time Warner?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: We do all their customer service.

James Mitchell: It was our idea that when you call on the phone, you have to ask a robot to speak to a human.

Bruce Jessen: Oh, and when it starts with ‘Marque Tos’ for Espanol, that’s not really a thing.

James Mitchell: Yeah, if you press two, it just hangs up. We were also the ones who approached coach Cowher to do those Time Warner commercials. Have you seen those?

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Yes, I have. They are torture.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Exactly.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Tell me, how did this all start?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Well, we got our big break working with the TSA. That thing, where you have to take your laptop and your bag for security. How did people fall for that one?

James Mitchell: I mean, what? The X-rays can’t go through a bag? [laughing] We never thought we’d get away with that.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: So, your handy work is nearly everywhere.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, yeah. From small projects like one man shows.

Bruce Jessen: We invented one man shows.

James Mitchell: Yeah, to larger projects like grocery stores.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Grocery stores?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Yes. We created the concept of self check-out.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Now, doesn’t that help people?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: You see, that’s the beauty of it. People don’t even realize it’s a actually torture.

Bruce Jessen: You unpack your own groceries, scan them yourself all while a human cashier is standing five feet away watching you. Then, right when you think the payment went through, the screen says, “See Cashier.”

James Mitchell: I mean, [laughing] that’s genius.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: It is. It is very creative.

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen] Bruce Jessen: Exactly. So, do we judge just on CIA stuff, it seems pretty unfair.

James Mitchell: Yeah, when people say torture, they think of some guy chained to a wall naked in a cold dark room.

Bruce Jessen: Yeah, some medieval torture with a black hood on.

James Mitchell: And don’t get me wrong, we use hoods.

Bruce Jessen: You gotta use a hood.

James Mitchell: Oh, you got to!

Bruce Jessen: But that’s not our main thing.

James Mitchell: After all, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Bruce Jessen: In fact, we know the exact number.

James Mitchell: It’s 19. Also, just so people don’t get the wrong idea, we do probono work as well.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: You mean, charities?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Yeah, like…

[singing] 1877 kars for kids

K-A-R-S kars for kids

That’s us too. So, you’re welcome kids. Or, kars. We’re not really sure how that charity works.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Um, looking back, any regrets?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Regrets? Hmm.

James Mitchell: I mean, not really. Well, maybe auto-correct.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Auto-correct? Really? That was you guys?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: It sure ducking was.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Alright, lets take a break. When we come back, I’ll read a passage and they have to guess whether it’s from CIA torture report or one of those hacked emails from Sony.

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, that’s gonna be fun.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Oh! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Assembly Line

Mr. Rudoman… Martin Freeman

Gordon… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of Heinz factory.]

Mr. Rudoman: Okay, Gordon. [Cut to inside the ketchup factory] This is your station.

Gordon: Oh, great. Thank you so much, Mr. Rudoman for this opportunity. It’s just so hard to find good work these days.

Mr. Rudoman: Oh, it’s quite simple actually. You ever worked on assembly line?

Gordon: Never.

Mr. Rudoman: Not a problem. Couldn’t be easier. Now, this is the master control for the assembly line that puts the labels on the ketchup bottles. You just watch the light. When it turns green, you pull this lever- this lever, and that starts the assembly line. And the only time you have to do anything else is if the light turns yellow, which means there is a safety issue. Then you push the lever back up. Hopefully that never happens. Then at the end of the day, you just push up the lever and shut down the assembly line. You got it?

Gordon: Uh-huh.

Mr. Rudoman: You have any questions, come find me.

Gordon: Okay. So, I build it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Right. You– wait, no, what?

Gordon: I’m sorry. I assemble it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] No, gordon.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: This controls the assembly line. You just start and stop.

Gordon: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so nervous. I love ketchup. Okay, so I move it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Move?

Gordon: Or spin it?

Mr. Rudoman: Spin what?

Gordon: The line.

Mr. Rudoman: No. No, the assembly line moves itself. This is the lever to start and stop it. Green, you pull it. Yellow, push it.

Gordon: Blue?

Mr. Rudoman: here’s no blue.
Gordon: Good to know.

Mr. Rudoman: Here, watch. When this little light turns green, I pull like this. Then I leave it alone, unless the light turns yellow, then I push it like this.

Gordon: So, never actually touch it.

Mr. Rudoman: No, I’m miming because if I actually move it–

Gordon: It turns yellow.

Mr. Rudoman: No! The assembly line starts.

Gordon: Which I move by hand.

Mr. Rudoman: Wrong. How are you not getting this?

Gordon: I’m as baffled as you are.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. I need you to listen very carefully.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: When this light turns green…

Gordon: Light turns green.

Mr. Rudoman: Pull the lever down.

Gordon: Pull the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: And leave the lever alone.

Gordon: Don’t touch it again.

Mr. Rudoman: Unless…

Gordon: There’s more.

Mr. Rudoman: The same light turns yellow.

Gordon: Oh, it’s the same light.

Mr. Rudoman: That means something’s wrong.

Gordon: Oh, dear!

Mr. Rudoman: Then, push the lever back up.

Gordon: Now, we push the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: But only if the light turns yellow.

Gordon: Or blue.

Mr. Rudoman: There is no blue. Only yellow. If it never turns yellow, we…

Gordon: Never touch the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: Correct.

Gordon: Question.

Mr. Rudoman: Sure.

Gordon: What’s a lever?

Mr. Rudoman: Seriously?

Gordon: I take my work very seriously.

Mr. Rudoman: See this? That’s the lever.

Gordon: Oh, the stick?

Mr. Rudoman: Uh-huh.

Gordon: Oh! Is that what you’re talking about the whole time?

Mr. Rudoman: Yes!

Gordon: Ah! It’s so easy. Okay, so, green light comes on, pull the lever, leave it unless a different light–

Mr. Rudoman: No, same light.

Gordon: Same light… turns blue…

Mr. Rudoman: [yelling] Yellow!

Gordon: Yellow. Push it up. And then at the end of the day, stop it. That’s it.

Mr. Rudoman: Yep. All clear?

Gordon: Perfectly. I’m so sorry.

Mr. Rudoman: It’s very simple.

Gordon: I see that now.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. Goodbye.

[Mr. Rudoman leaves]

Gordon: Okay. So, wait for it. [Gordon is waiting for the light] Wait for it. Wait for it.

[the light turns green]

Green light. Pull the lever. [Gordon pulls the lever.] It starts. Okay. Just leave it. That’s so simple. Oh, the ketchup. It’s not that hard.

[the light turns blue]

Blue light?