Tag: Kenan Thompson

Christmas Bar

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Tony… Kyle Mooney

Jerry… Casey Affleck

Bouncer… Kenan Thompson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Police… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jessica speaking to her friend at the bar]

Jessica: I’m think I want to go ice skating this year. I haven’t been since I was a kid. And it feels like it’s still fun.

[2 approaches Jessica]

2: Excuse me. This is gonna sound totally crazy but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Jessica: I don’t think so. I have actually never been to Brooklyn. I’m just visiting.

2: It’s just… I can’t believe I’m saying this. I guess there’s something about you, you know? It’s just like, it’s comfortable. Like, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Hmm.

Jessica: My mom used to make that for me–

Jessica and 2: When I was sick.

2: Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry. What was your name again?

Jessica: Jessica.

2: Jessica, that’s right. I’m Tony. And I’m not rich or nothing. I just volunteer at a home for the elderly. But, um, would you maybe want to– [turns around and speaks to himself loudly] Tony, don’t do this. Do not do this. [looks at Jessica] Would you maybe want to have Christmas eve dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, Christmas eve dinner. Wow! I mean, Tony, we just met. I don’t really know.

[Jerry walks in]

Jerry: Excuse me, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I- I- I never interrupt people when they’re talking. But I just heard like an angel or something.

Jessica: Oh, me?

Jerry: Oh, wow, yeah. There it goes again. Now, whoof! Listen, I’m Jerry. I know I’m nothing special and I love my little deaf sister. But would you– I can’t believe I’m even standing here. Would you maybe wanna get Christmas dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, well, that’s nice.

2: Excuse me, Jerry. Um, you keep talking to Ms. Jessica here, it’s going to make me want to do– [talks to himself] Don’t say it, Tony. [looks at Jerry] It’s gonna wanna make me do something like this. [2 pulls out a knife]

Jerry: Oh! Wow! Well, I usually don’t stand up for myself. You know, I usually just let guys walk all over me. But, you know, when I see you do that, it makes me want to do something like this.

[Jerry pulls out a knife too]

Jessica: No! Tony! Jerry!

2: Wow! You know, I usually ain’t like this, but, um, I think I’m going to have to stab you.

[2 stabs Jerry]

Jerry: Oh! Argh! I can’t believe I’m saying this but that really hurt. Now I’m like, bleeding. [talking to himself] Don’t say it, Jerry. Do not say it. But I’m really bleeding.

[Bouncer walks in]

Bouncer: Guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I mean, I’m usually really shy. I guess I’m the bouncer. You know? And it’s stupid but I got to restrain you.

2: Okay.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: Hey, fellas. I know it’s none of my business, I mean I normally wouldn’t speak up at a time like this. But I just called 911. You know? And they said they can’t believe that they’re saying this. Don’t say this. But, they’re going to be here very soon.

Jessica: Why are you being shy? This man was just stabbed.

2: hey, Jessica. I know I’m nothing special, but your eyes sparkle like the moonlight.

Jerry: Hang on a second. I know I’m just a simple buy, you know, but my gut says he’s not right for you.

Jessica: Yeah, obviously. Are you okay?

[A police officer walks in]

Police: Oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but is this the victim you called about?

All: [crosstalk] Yes.

Police: Okay. And oh, this is totally insane. [talking to herself] Why you doing this, Tracy? but we’re going to pump you with 10 CCs of clotting agent.

Jessica: Um, stay strong Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, Ms. Jessica, I know this might not be the most opportune time, but if you just give me a chance, I think you will find out I’m a pretty fun guy.

Jessica: Of course you are, Jerry.

Police: Excuse me. I know I shouldn’t be interrupting but I think we’re losing him.

Jerry: I know, nobody asked me but I just saw a light and I really just want to walk towards it.

God: This is god. And I can’t believe I’m asking you this but, would you want to join me in the eternity or something?

Jerry: Oh my god! I can’t believe what I’m hearing but, yeah, I would like that very much, god! Ah!

[Jerry dies]

Jessica: Oh, Jerry.

2: I feel so self-conscious. But I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was all my fault.

Jessica: Of course it was.

2: Oh!

Casey Affleck Christmas Monologue

Casey Affleck

Alec Baldwin

John Goodman

Black Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Casey Affleck: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Wow, it’s great to be here hosting the show tonight. Ah! Saturday Night Live and I began the same year, 1975. We’re exactly the same age. And like SNL, people tend to say that I was a lot funnier back then too. I’m so happy they asked me to host the SNL Christmas show. But I kind of have to wonder, why me? I mean, why didn’t they get classic hosts like Will Ferrell or Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon or maybe someone cool like [Alec Baldwin walks in] Bruno Mars or [John Goodman walks in] Miley Cyrus [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman turn away and walk out] or Alec Baldwin and John Goodman. [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in again and stand quietly behind Casey Affleck]

[cheers and applause]

Although, that would be a little desperate, right? I mean, being in the first sketch and the monologue? A man’s got to have some dignity.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman look at each other and walk out again]

But I guess it makes sense that I’m here tonight because I’m in a new movie. That’s called ‘Manchester by the Sea’. Thank you. It opened wide last night and it’s an incredibly depressing picture. It is. It’s really a downer. I mean it’s great. I’m really proud of it. Please go see it.it’s a beautiful testament to what we’ll do for our family, for how everyone deserves a second chance and also to how unbearably sad movies can be. But it’s also great… but sad. But funny, but just crushingly sad. But it’s also not as sad as ‘Ocean’s Casey AffleckAlec Baldwin’, which I was also in. So, maybe give it a shot. Um, and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have this kind of scraggly beard and not in a Santa way but more like a ‘duck dynasty’ way. But I have to keep it. It’s for the next movie I’m doing which is animated [laughing] but that’s how committed I am to my craft.

All that aside, the real reason I belong here tonight is that I love Christmas. I love it more than anybody else. Christmas makes me happy. It touches something inside of me. [music playing] Although I’m not going to sing about it. [music stops] But the holidays, they just have a way of renewing us, reminding us of what we do have and the better future we can make. At Christmas time, it feels like anything is possible. [music playing] Um, except for singing. [music stops] That’s not gonna happen. But other things are possible.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in]

Alec Baldwin: Casey, you don’t have to sing to be a great host.

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin.

[cheers and applause]

You really think I don’t have to sing?

John Goodman: Yeah. I mean, between the three of us, we have hosted SNL 31 times.

Alec Baldwin: We believe in you just like we believe in another special guy with a beard. You might have heard of him, Black Santa Claus.

[Black Santa walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Black Santa: Yo, yo, yo! I’m just kidding. It’s ho, ho, ho.

Alec Baldwin: Ah! You take it from here, Black Santa

Black Santa: Oh, you got it, white Baldwin! Now, Casey, all you need to host a great show is a little Christmas magic. See?

[female voices carolling]

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow! Wow! You’re right. Look, it’s happening. Merry Christmas, Santa.

Black Santa: Actually, I’m Jewish.

Casey Affleck: Well, close enough. oh, we’ve got a great show.

[Alec Baldwin laughing hard]

Chance the Rapper is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Where’d Your Money Go?

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Rob Gronkowski… John Cena

Conor McGregor… Alex Moffat

John Daly… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with stage of the game ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’]

Male voice: It’s Where’d Your Money Go? With your host Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in]

Charles Barkley: Alright, hello. This is Charles Barkley. Hey there, pro athletes and welcome to Where’d Your Money Go? Where we try to teach financial security to some of the world’s most ignorant millionaires. Look, I’m not making judgements. If I managed my money well, I damn sure wouldn’t be hosting a game show. Alright, let’s meet our contestants. First, we got an all star tight end for the New England Patriots worth $15 million, it’s Rob Gronkowski.

Rob Gronkowski: What’s up, bro? It’ so awesome, haha.

Charles Barkley: Alright. Now, you’re a football player and your body is your paycheck, but once a year you trash it on a cruise called Gronk’s party ship.

Rob Gronkowski: So awesome. Just me, my five brothers, 800 friends doing lemon drop shots wearing huge sunglasses. Hit!

Charles Barkley: Oh, man! You’re like a Dave and Busters if it was a person. Next, we got a man who wears $10,000 suits and just bought $350,000 Rolls Royce, UFC fighter, Conor McGregor.

Conor McGregor: Charles, I’m not going broke, so you can take your patronizing tone and shove it up your ass.

Charles Barkley: Alright, I know you’re not broke now, but let me ask you a question. How many high school friends work for you?

Conor McGregor: Six.

Charles Barkley: Well, you better get yourself a Roth IRA, Conor. You know what that is?

Conor McGregor: Yeah. I’ve been in the IRA since protestants moved into my neighborhood.

Charles Barkley: And finally, a golfer who has lost $90 million over that past 15 years. He is currently ranked 991st in the world. It’s John Daly.

John Daly: [smoking] I’m still in playing shape, man. I’m loose as a goose.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, you’re playing golf. It’s the only professional sport where people carry your stuff. Alright, let’s take a look at our ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ categories. They’re the usual four. I spent it. I sniffed it. I lost it. She took it. Okay, the game is simple. I’m going to throw out some scenarios, and the answer to every one of them is ‘No’. You got it? Okay, good. Gronk, I’m gonna let you pick first.

Rob Gronkowski: Awesome, bro. Let’s go with the spinning.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the first question in that category. Buy a cheetah. Scenario: You’re looking for a pet but the seller warns you that this pet might eat your family. Do you still buy it?

[buzzer sound] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Hell, yeah. Cheetah would be awesome bro. Put some sunglasses on it and feed it Cheetos.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, let’s try to remember the rules. The answer is always ‘No.’ [buzzer sound] John Daly.

John Daly: Hell, I’ll buy that son of a bitch. It can be buddies with my shark.

Charles Barkley: That is incorrect. Once again, the answer is always ‘No.’ Remember, if you own an animal that used to belong to a drug dealer or middle eastern dictator, that’s a red flag. Okay, pick again, Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Ah, let’s move to I lost it.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there. Own a restaurant. Scenario: A man in a nightclub wants you to invest in an Asian fusion restaurant even though you have absolutely no restaurant experience and you don’t know what Asian fusion even is. Do you do it? [buzzer] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Absolutely, bro. Write him a check. Wings all day.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, this is about investing. Do you know what that is?

Rob Gronkowski: Yeah, dude! I just invested $2 million in Solo Cups.

Charles Barkley: Oh, okay. How did you do that?

Rob Gronkowski: Bought a boatload of Solo Cups.

Charles Barkley: Alright, Gronk, I think you’ve eaten too many wings. Your head is full of thigh meat. Anybody else here know how to invest?

John Daly: Hell yeah, man. I just launched my own alcoholic sports drink. It’s called Smirnoff Sport. Smirnoff Sport. It’s just blue vodka.

Conor McGregor: Invest? Pfft. Why should I invest in some silly bank for years when I can go to Vegas and double my money in an hour? All I do is win, Charles.

Charles Barkley: Okay. Last time you went to Vegas, what happened?

Conor McGregor: I lost.

Charles Barkley: Conor, gambling is an addiction. I still have my issues myself. Yesterday I bet Michael Jordan $10,000 that I would get a hole in one.

Conor McGregor: the odds of that is fairly long, man.

Charles Barkley: I know. Specially because we was playing poker. Gronk, nobody got us, so why don’t you pick again?

Rob Gronkowski: Let’s go over to ‘She took it’.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there, Trust a Stripper. Scenario: A stripper you just met follows you home, sits you down, and then says put on this blindfold and count to 1,000. Do you do it? I’m going to give you a hint. You don’t do it. [buzzer] Conor.

Conor McGregor: I like that. She’s freaky, right? Yeah, you bloody go for it.

Charles Barkley: No! You angry little leprechaun. Remember, there’s only one answer. Anybody else? [buzzer] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Sounds like a trick question. Nobody can count to a thousand, so I’m gonna go for it.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, you know the rules when it comes to strippers. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, my wife senses a pattern. Oh, man, this is terrible. I really believed that you guys would get at least one question.

Rob Gronkowski: Sorry we let you down, bro.

Charles Barkley: No, no, it’s not just me. Personally, I bet the Phoenix sons Gorilla, that one of you would get one answer right. And now I’m down $50,000. Okay, let’s just take a break. When we come back on ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ we will ask, cocaine, is it your friend?

John Daly: No, it’s your family.

Charles Barkley: No, you shut it, John Daly.

The Karate Teen

Jeffy Lahart…. Mikey day

Sammy Knocks… John Cena

Referee… Alex Moffat

Coach… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two kids at a karate match]

Announcer: Well, it’s almost over here at the San Fernando Karate Championship. Jeffy Lahart. taking his licks in the final round against defending champion and human freight train, Sammy Knocks of the Wolf Claw Dojo.

Referee: Fight!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart and Jeffy Lahart falls]

Referee: Watch your knocks. Keep it legal.

Sammy Knocks: Ah! Sorry, I got dork on the floor. Yeah! Wolf Claw! This kid’s a virgin. Ha-ha-ha. That will teach you karate, yeah!

[As Jeffy Lahart struggles to get up, he sees his coach show him a coin.]

[Cut back to Jeffy Lahart’s memory where he is training hard with Coach]

Coach: Catch only the penny.

[Coach shows a handful of coins where one is a penny]

Jeffy Lahart: Okay.

[Coach gestures him to cover his eyes]

Mr. Johnson, that will be impossible. I won’t be able to see.

Coach: Listen to the wind.

[Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes]

[Coach throws all the coins. Jeffy Lahart successfully catches only the penny.]

Coach: I think you’r ready.

[Cut back to the championship. Jeffy Lahart gets back up.]

Sammy Knocks: After this, I’m going to have sex with that guy’s girlfriend. Aha- Yeah!

Announcer: And look at this. Jeffy Lahart back on his feat. I don’t know if he is brave or crazy.

Sammy Knocks: Bad move, dweeb.

[Sammy Knocks gets ready to fight. Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes with the bandana.]

What’s he doing?

[as Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart, he blocks it]

What the butt?

[Sammy Knocks punches again, and Jeffy Lahart blocks it agian]

How the hell is he doing this?

[Jeffy Lahart does a different stance position]]

Jeffy Lahart: Listen … to … the wind.

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart on his stomach. Jeffy Lahart flies by through many walls behind him.]

Announcer: Oh, my god! Knocks punched Jeffy Lahart out of his pants and through four walls.

Sammy Knocks: Yeah, I just punched that kid through four walls.

Jeffy Lahart: Hey Knocks! [Jeffy Lahart trying to get back through the wall] Is that all you got?

Sammy Knocks: You got a death wish, dork?

[Jeffy Lahart is crawling back]

[coach is telling Jeffy Lahart not to do it]

Jeffy Lahart: I guess you don’t know about a warrior. Coz when a warrior gets knocked down, he–

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again. This time, Jeffy Lahart flies to the parking lot and hits a car. The car breaks.]

Referee: Knocks.

Coach: I got a thing I got to get to.

[Coach leaves]

Announcer: Well, unless Jeffy Lahart can get back up from sailing through hsi fifth wall and a car door, this looks like another victory for Wolf Claw Dojo.

[Jeffy Lahart wakes up]

[Sammy Knocks walks in with a trophy. He is all dressed up already. Jeffy Lahart is still in his karate gee.]

Sammy Knocks: What the hell?

Jeffy Lahart: Oh, my god. How long have I been out here?

Sammy Knocks: What did you do to my car? You’re going to get it you little fart wipe!

Jeffy Lahart: Wait!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again and he black out]

Talent Competition

Damien Knox… Beck Bennett

Rachel Bell… Cecily Strong

Tay-Tay Dubbs… Kenan Thompson

Yoet Klovok… Mikey Day

Bogdan Klovok… John Cena

[Starts with United States of Talent intro]

[Cut to Damien Knox and Rachel Bell at the stage]

Damien Knox: Welcome back to United States of Talent.

Rachel Bell: It’s time for our last act to take the stage and hope it’s blowing away our studio audience and our judge, entertainment industry professional, Tay-Tay Dubbs.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Holla!

Damien Knox: Alright, let’s bring out our final act. Brothers Yoet and Bogdan Klovok and their act, The Mighty Owl.

[Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok walk in with a big owl]

Yoet Klovok: Hello.

Rachel Bell: Now, guys, we are so excited to have you here. For years, you’ve wowed audiences all over Europe. But we understand this is your first time performing in six months.

Yoet Klovok: Um, that’s right. Six months ago our own Majesty flew head first into a stone wall.

Damien Knox: Oh, gosh!

Yoet Klovok: But vets were able to rebuild parts of his brain with healthy tissues from his intestines and rear end.

Bogdan Klovok: And now, Majesty has fully recovered in tip top shape. Right Majesty?

[owl growling]

Damien Knox: Well, good luck, boys.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Alright, let’s see it, fellows.

Yoet Klovok: On our command, Majesty will fly from my arm and soar over you all.

Bogdan Klovok: Then, he will swoop through these hoops and retrieve this scroll from my mouth.

Yoet Klovok: Then he shall brave death by gliding through the ring of flame to deliver the scroll into that tiny mailbox.

[Tay-Tay Dubbs is holding a tiny mailbox]

Tay-Tay Dubbs: You sure that owl can do all that?

Yoet Klovok: Oh, Majesty will succeed because Majesty…

Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok: [giving a pose] Is a mighty owl!

[the owl poops and pees on Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok]

Yoet Klovok: Oh, god!

Bogdan Klovok: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yoet Klovok: No, no, no, no. Majesty!

Bogdan Klovok: Disgusting! He pie-pied all over my show coat. Tell you, he’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: He is!

Bogdan Klovok: Apology to you all. Majesty had a small issue. But now, behold the mighty owl.

[The own pukes all over Bogdan Klovok and Yoet Klovok’s faces.]

Yoet Klovok: No! No!

Bogdan Klovok: No, Majesty. Majesty!

Yoet Klovok: Majesty up. Majesty up.

Bogdan Klovok: He’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: Thank you. And now you have experienced the Mighty owl.

Rachel Bell: Okay. The mighty owl with quite a performance. Bud did it fly with our judge? Tay-Tay.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: I mean, let’s just say it. Your owl is wack. Your owl is out of order. I mean you said it. It’s got ass in his brains. Well, it shows fellas. Tip-top shape? Don’t lie to a man. That owl is sick!

Yoet Klovok: Okay.

Bogdan Klovok: Okay.

Yoet Klovok: Right.

Damien Knox: Okay, any areas of improvement?

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Yeah. Get a new owl. Look, I work in Hollywood and that owl is not a star. That owl is and I can’t prove this, but I know it’s true, that owl is the worst owl in the world.

Bogdan Klovok: Thank you. Thank you.

Rachel Bell: Okay. Let’s bring out our other acts. Three incredibles acts. Which one will be leaving tonight? Will it be bling juggler Max Insight who Tay-Tay called the ninth wonder of the world?

Damien Knox: Will it be 17 year old opera prodigy Erika Le’Saw who Tay-Tay said would win it all?

Rachel Bell: Or will it be the Mighty Owl to which Tay-Tay said got ass in it’s brain.

Damien Knox: Three incredible acts and we’ll find out who is going home after the break.

[The End]

Science Presentation

Aidy Bryant

Ray… John Cena

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Miles… Mikey day

Heather… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]

Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.

Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.

Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.

Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.

Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.

Ray: No problem.

[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]

Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.

Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.

Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.

Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.

Ray: Bananas.

Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.

Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.

Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.

Heather: Thank you.

Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.

Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.

Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.

Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.

Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.

Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.

Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.

Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.

Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?

Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.

Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]

Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.

Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.

Miles: I promise you that is an orange.

Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.

Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.

Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.

Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?

Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.

Kenan: Very disappointing.

Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?

Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?

Beck: Bingo!

Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?

[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]

Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.

Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?

Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?

[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]

Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.

Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?

[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]

Beck: It’s okay.

Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!

Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.

Miles: [disappointed] What?

Aidy: Heather, 70.2%

Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.

Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.

Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!

Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.

Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.

Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book]

[The End]

Romance Bookstore

Vanessa Bayer

Mitchel… Beck Bennett

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Dan… John Cena

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Vanessa and Mitchel entering a bookstore]

Vanessa: Oh, sexy. Baby, it’s an erotic bookstore.

Mitchel: Anything to help our dumb ass dry spell.

Vanessa: Mitchel!

Carol: Aw! Welcome to the Scorched Corset, where fantasies delight.

Kenan: What my friend Carol is trying to say is let us know if you need anything.

Vanessa: Yeah. We’re just browsing. Do you have something by Jacquelin Livo?

Carol: Hmm, have you read the Ranch hand and the Row?

Vanessa: I have not.

Carol: Okay, well let me retrieve it for you. Our stock boy should know where it is. Jon George!

[Dan walks in. He is a big man with long silky blonde hair.]

Dan: Yes.

Carol: Assist me at once.

Dan: Sure. Let’s get that book.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: She’ll be right back.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Oh, Dan. Oh, you want me, I know it. But we’re at work. We can’t. A woman of my stature with a brut accustomed to manual labor?

Dan: Oh, yeah. I’m a big boy. I have a thick neck, big hands. I’ve been waiting you so bad in this store.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Vanessa, Mitchel and Kenan]

Vanessa: I’m sorry. What’s going on back there?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carol and Dan. She calls him Dan.

Mitchel: Why?

Kenan: I don’t know. But don’t worry, they never do anything. It’s all show and no go.

[Carol walks in with a book]

Carol: I found it. Here you go. I hope this teases and pleases. Now go, free of charge.

Kenan: No, no, no. It’s $5.

Mitchel: Here. [paying the money] It better be five bucks of bedroom magic. Come on.

[Vanessa and Mitchel walk out]

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Hi. I’m looking for a fun light read for a long plain ride?

Carol: Ah! Perhaps you’ll like the work of Feather Dubreaux. Dan!

[Dan walks in]

Dan: Yea.

Carol: To the bookcase.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: Let’s hustle Carol.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Quick, take me away to a fantasy. I’m on an Irish cliff. My hair is red and very wide.  It’s blowing in the Irish wind and I’ve known only as Lady Velvet.

Dan: And I’m the guy who puts the horse food in the horse bucket. Yes, I’m dirty, and strong.

Carol: Yes! You woke up my estate.

Dan: And I have fix, stake hands, right?

Carol: Yes.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Melissa and Kenan]

Melissa: So, are they a couple?

Kenan: No, they’re damn not. They just work here. I mean, she does.

Melissa: And he doesn’t?

Kenan: No, he works for her.

Melissa: What do you mean?

Kenan: She pays him out of her paycheck.

Melissa: But she’s the owner?

Kenan: No, I am.

Melissa: So, he doesn’t work here?

Kenan: Right.

Melissa: And that doesn’t bother you?

Kenan: I mean, it really does, but what am I gonna do? You know?

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Carol: My tiny pink nips scream in the howling wind.

Dan: And my thick stake hands reach at those.

Carol: Oh, but we shan’t touch because I’m a lady of gold coins, satin gloves and tiny decadent cakes.

Dan: And I am a dirt man that knows only sex.

[Dan opens his shirt]

Carol: Oh! Teach me!

Kenan: Get the book! Get the damn book!

[Carol walks in with a book in her hand]

Carol: Here, here. Take it as a gift. Now go.

Kenan: No, you must pay.

Melissa: This isn’t Feather Dubreaux. This is Tanya Whitmore. She writes filth.

Kenan: Carol, fix this.

Carol: Oh, I shall. Dan!

[Carol runs out]

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Dan: I’m a cave man with a big gun.

Carol: Oh, and I’m horny wealthy ghost with full throttle knockers. [Carol shows her bra]

Dan: And I grab your ghost butt with my ten pound hands.

[Cut to Kenan and Melissa]

Kenan: I’m really sorry. This is embarrassing. Just one moment please.

[Kenan goes behind]

[Cut to Carol, Kenan and Dan]

Kenan: Look, you two. Stop it and listen to me. I am on horseback. Leather chaps my skin as I ride atop the red rocks of Sedona.

John Cena Monologue

John Cena

Santa… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena.

[John Cena walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Cena: Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name if John Cena and to those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler. [crowd laughs late] Yeah, well, late bloomers but that’s okay. Normally on TV, you see me in the ring throwing down all the other WWE superstars, and I love it. But it’s exciting to get away for a week and do something a little different. And now, I’m gonna need someone to help me sing. Get out here, New York Santa!

[Bobby Moynihan in Santa outfit walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Ho, ho, ho. I’m locking it.

John Cena: The normal Santa travels by a sleigh. [Bobby Moynihan starts opening his Santa costume] But the New York–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] No! Cena! You think you can do comedy and wrestling? Well, two can play that game. Get ready to feel the pain of… The Waddler.

[Cut to intro video of The Waddler as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to the SNL stage. John Cena is on stage but Bobby Moynihan is standing very far.]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

John Cena: How did you get over there?

Bobby Moynihan: I waddled! [running towards the stage] Oh! I’m coming for you, Cena.

John Cena: Okay, well you do.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, I just move real weird. [moving around John Cena’s behind] What are you gonna do when The Waddler’s coming for you, Cena? Hun?

John Cena: [laughing] I mean, that’s actually really cool. Did you make that outfit?

Bobby Moynihan: I did.

John Cena: That’s– I actually think you could be a great WWE superstar.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, wow. Um, thank you, John. You did not have to say that.

John Cena: Bring it in here, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay.

[John Cena and Bobby Moynihan hug each other. John Cena mistakenly breaks Bobby Moynihan’s bones while hugging.]

Ah! Okay! That’s a rib. That’s a full rack of ribs right there.

[Bobby Moynihan walks away limping]

John Cena: Okay. [music playing] The real New York Christmas.

[Cut to Leslie Jones a the back of the audience.]

Leslie Jones: [yelling] John Cena! You coming here to tell jokes on my turf? I’m bout to whoop your ass!

John Cena: Wait, what’s your wrestling character supposed to be?

Leslie Jones: Wrestling character? I’m Leslie Jones, bitch!

[Cut to intro video of Leslie Jones as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to SNL stage. Leslie Jones walks to John Cena]

Leslie Jones: That’s right and I’m bout to get in your– Ooh! [checking out John Cena’s body] Damn! Ooh! You is very fine. I did not know. Ooh, I can put my whole tongue in your chin nipple deep. [takes her card out of back pocket and gives it to John Cena] Just meet me at the hotel room, John.

[Leslie Jones walks away]

John Cena: Okay guys. This isn’t a challenge. [Kenan Thompson is sneaking behind John Cena with a steel chair] We’re in it together. I actually worked really hard on this song. Seriously. I spent all week writing with a couple of nerds, so please–

[Kenan hits John Cena with the chair. The chair breaks but John Cena doesn’t move at all.]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Got you, Cena!

John Cena: Alright! Alright. [John Cena opens his coat. He is wearing sleeveless shirt.] I’ve been trying to be nice to you guys all you wanna do is challenge me. So, if you really want some, come get some.

[Cut to John Cena’s intro video as a wrestler.]

[Cut to the SNL stage]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! I made a grand error in judgement.

John Cena: You can’t see me.

Kenan Thompson: [scared] Oh, I’m done with the flower.

[Kenan Thompson runs away]

John Cena: We have a great show for you tonight. Maren Morris is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door]

[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck  and Alex  enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

The Hunt for Hil

Rafe Degraw… Beck Bennett

Coop Dixon… Kyle Mooney

Michelle… Vanessa Bayer

Tuketo… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of mythical creatures]

Rafe Degraw narrating: Bigfoot. The Loch Ness monster. All rarely seen. All shrouded in mystery. And tonight, we’re headed to the woods of West Chester county to search for the most elusive legend of all, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Rafe Degraw.

Rafe Degraw: Wait, did you hear that?

Rafe Degraw narrating: With my partner, Coop Dixon.

Coop Dixon: There’s something here, man!

Rafe Degraw narrating: And this is “The Hunt for Hil”. Our search begins in the woods of Chappaqua where Hillary Clinton has recently been sighted by a bunch of white people with Facebook accounts. But where is she now? We wet out to find her. Trap her. And thank her. And for that, we needed help.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon visits Michelle]

Rafe Degraw: So, Michelle, you’ve seen Hillary Clinton?

Michelle: I have. [Cut to the reenactment video] I was in my kitchen washing pans when I saw something moving through the woods. [someone walks through the bushes and Michelle gets scared] It was blonde, about 5’6“. It seemed like kind of wanted some time to itself. So, I immediately started running after it.

[Michelle is showing the video she recorded of Hillary Clinton]

Voice in the video: Hillary, wait. I just want to thank you.

Hillary Clinton: Welcome.

Voice in the video: Hillary! Wait!

[Hillary starts running]

Michelle: I think that’s her.

Rafe Degraw: That’s her. You did a great job.

Rafe Degraw narrating: We decided to check out the spot where Michelle had her sighting to see if there was any trace of Hil.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are in the woods]

Coop Dixon: Hey, Rafe, you’re gonna want to see this. [showing a footprint] That’s a woman’s shoe right there. Size six. Look, see how there’s no heel?

Rafe Degraw: It’s Hillary.

Rafe Degraw narrating: She was definitely close. So I decided to try and communicate with her.

Rafe Degraw: [making laughing noise] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: What are you doing?

Rafe Degraw: Shh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: It’s not gonna work.

Rafe Degraw: Just hold on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Hillary Clinton laughing]

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are looking around]

Rafe Degraw narrating: We could hear her laugh but we couldn’t see her. And it was getting dark. So we decided to lure her to us with the one thing we knew would entice her. An article about the recount in Wisconsin. We placed it at the edge of the woods, set up our night vision, and waited. She never showed. But the next morning when we checked, the article had clearly been read. Because in the very bottom corner, there was a little note that said, “Thank you, H.” It was our last day in Chappaqua and we had just one more idea. But it was crazy one.

[Cut to Atiketo sitting in the trees. He is a forest shaman.]

Atiketo: Hello?

Rafe Degraw: Tuketo, you say you are one with the trees.

Tuketo: Yes. I have lived my whole life in these Chappaqua woods. The trees whisper their secrets to me.

Coop Dixon: Can you ask them where Hillary Clinton is?

Tuketo: Of course. One moment. [Gibberish] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh! She’s buying eggs at a grocery store.

Rafe Degraw narrating: Next week, the search moves to a Shoprite, only on “The Hunt for Hil”.