Kenan Thompson Archives - Page 28 of 60

Beyoncé’s Babies

Dr. Waxler… Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Babies… Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan

[Cut to a doctor confronting Beyoncé.]

Dr. Waxler: Let me just say, what an honor it is to be selected to deliver your twins. I’m Dr. Waxler and you of course are Beyoncé.

Beyoncé: Thank you.

Dr. Waxler: Um, can be honest? This is a big break for me. I haven’t hat a hit baby since Suri Cruise. Now, did our staff go over the birthing procedure?

Beyoncé: Yes, but I don’t need anything special.

Dr. Waxler: Of course. It’s all standard when the birthing commences, you won’t feel any pain. We have hired thsi woman to feel the pain for you.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: It is an honor.

[Aidy walks out]

Dr. Waxler: These babies are going to be beautiful. Now, let’s take a look inside your womb.

[Dr. Waxler starts using ultrasound scanning Beyoncé’s womb]

[Cut to inside Beyoncé’s womb. Tracy and Kenan are sitting on a couch wearing diapers. They have jewelry on their necks.]

Tracy: Damn, it is so nice in here.

Kenan: Yeah. It’s warm and cozy. I feel safe.

Tracy: It’s so spacious. There’s a recording studio in here. This place is special.

Kenan: Well, how do you know? You ain’t ever been anywhere else.

Tracy: I don’t know. I just feel like we’re different from other babies.

Kenan: Yeah, we different. You know who our mom is?

Tracy: No. But I think she’s important. When people meet her, they scream. So she is either a beautiful queen or a goblin.

Kenan: Yo, our mom is Beyoncé, man!

Tracy: Who’s that?

Kenan: Wow! I don’t even breathe yet and I know who Beyoncé is. Yo, she is the Queen Bee.

Tracy: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Oh, she’s drinking some lemonade.

Tracy and Kenan: Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Yo, I gotta get out of here. Come on, let me out. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Beyoncé: Oh! Do you feel that?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, that one’s strong.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Let me try that. Let me try that. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: [feeling the kick] Now, that one is not an athlete but he will be hilarious.

Beyoncé: Are they okay?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, yes. Your babies are both healthy. it might be too early to tell, but I think these babies came to slay.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: I just feel like I’m more like my dad’s kid. You know? Hard.

Tracy: Yeah. I’m definitely my mom’s kid because I am pure sex. I’m gonna be the first person ever who’s gonna get somebody pregnant while they’re inside somebody pregnant.

I’m old school. I don’t pull out. What do you think your name’s gonna be?

Kenan: You know, I thought a lot about it. Probably Jade Rain.

Tracy: I think I’m gonna be something class like Lord Burbury.

Kenan: Either way, our life is going to be dope, man.

Tracy and Kenan: [hooting] Our mama! Our mama! Our mama!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Wow, they really are active. Do you wanna see a picture?

Beyoncé: Absolutely.

Dr. Waxler: Here they are.

[Cut to the computer screen. There are two babies babies with the heads of Kenan Thompson and Tracy Morgan.]

Beyoncé: They’re exactly what I hoped.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Let me out! I’m coming!

Tracy: Yo, chill, man! Don’t be in such a rush to leave. It will be another 16 years before I’m in something like this.

Kenan: You know, I just don’t wanna make my mama mad, man. She’s having a hard enough time carrying us as it is.

Tracy: Oh, no. She is not. I heard she carried two full grown ladies for ten years named Michelle and Kelly.

Kenan: Oh! Burn!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Oh, I just lost the picture. It appears the babies are throwing some major shade in there.

Beyoncé: It’s alright, doctor. I got this.

[singing] I got my babies so sleepy right now,
my boys I got my babies so sleepy right now

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Damn! I’m getting sleepy right now.

Kenan: [acting sleepy] Yo, we gotta perk up. Why are you letting her do this to us?

Tracy: I can’t help it, dog! It’s too lovely. Our mother is a singular talent. Night-night.

Kenan: Yeah. [yawning] She got me too. Night-night.

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: They finally calmed down. That song was wonderfully soothing. Can I hear it again.

Beyoncé: Oh, absolutely. Here’s the remix.

[Beyoncé takes her phone and plays the song]

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan jumping and partying]

Tracy: Damn, this is hot!

Kenan: We partying all night!

[The End]

Celebrity Family Feud- Super Bowl Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Samuel L. Jackson… Leslie Jones

Paula Deen… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodell… Beck Bennett

Gisele Bundchen… Kristen Stewart

Bill Belichick… Bobby Moynihan

Casey Affleck… Alex Moffat

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “Family Feud: Super Bowl edition.” Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay, ow, welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud.” Now, in honor of my meeting with Donald Trump, I’m wearing a Trump tie. Trump tie ties so long they put a little tickle in your pickle. Now, this is the Super Bowl edition so we bot celebrity New England Patriot fans taking on celebrity Atlanta Falcons fans. And on the Atlanta side, first up is Falcons fans and little musical rascal, Justin Bieber.

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Um, yeah. What’s up Steve. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not bad no more. Um, but I can still do this. [starts jumping around]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, okay. Next we got the official voice of the Falcons, Samuel L. Jackson

[Cut to Samuel L. Jackson]

Samuel L. Jackson: It’s about time we got these mother flipping Falcons in the mother flipping Super Bowl

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Umm, I don’t know, there’s something different about you, Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, next, we got the most famous Chef in Georgia and America’s leading cause of diabetes, Paula Deen.

[Cut to Paula Deen]

Paula Deen: Yeah, I love the Super Bowl. While the boys are throwing around the old pig skin, I’m going to cook a pig skin and serve it with a side of cheesy Fajiddles.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Alright. Finally on the Falcon side, the man who suspended Tom Brady for deflate-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Hello, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now wait, you really a Falcons fan?

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Absolutely. Love the Falcons. Doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to give the Super Bowl trophy to Tom Brady.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! You’re going to be watching the game with the same face Obama had while watching this year’s election. Just like, [making serious face]. Alright, over on the Patriots side, first up we got Brazilian supermodel and Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

[Cut to Gisele Bundchen]

Gisele Bundchen: I love the American Super Bowl where millions of people come together to watch TV and teat this garbage.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You know, your name sounds like what my underwear be doing sometimes. Gisele Bundchen. Next up, we got a successful millionaire who dresses like a seventh grade boy. The Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: Good evening, Steve. We’re having fun here, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bill, cheer up, man! You’ve won six super bowls and I have never seen you laugh. Give me a laugh, Bill, come on.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: [trying to laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry I asked. Alright, next, we got an actor from Massachusetts and a Oscar favorite, Casey Affleck.

[Cut to Casey Affleck]

Casey Affleck: Um, how are you doing, Steve? I, uh, I’m doing good. I guess excited for the Super Bowl. Um, go Pats and all, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god, you like the first half of commercial for anti-depressants. And finally, this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer, Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you, Steve. [singing] I got a million reasons my halftime show will rock

They said I can’t be political. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna. [winks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Seeing you before the football fans is going to be like Toby Keith hosting the Tonys. Let’s play a game. Give me Gisele, give me Justin, let’s get on up here.

[Justin Bieber and Gisele Bundchen walk to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Justin Bieber: [to Gisele Bundchen] Hey girl. Um, how you doing? Hmm? [trying to do a cool pose]

Steve Harvey: Justin, I got some bad news for you, player. that don’t work on women that’s grown. Alright, top six answers are on the board. The Super Bowl is Sunday. Name one thing that you take to a party. [buzzer] Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen: Cachaca and caipariniahs.

Steve Harvey: Now what you say about Sasha and Malia?

Gisele Bundchen: No. No, I said cachaca and capriniah. They’re drinks. Two of them?

Steve Harvey: You know, I don’t know what you’re saying but you look good saying it. Show me, goulashes and capers!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not up here. Um, Justin, what you bring to a party?

Justin Bieber: Um, Steve, I don’t party as much because I’m a man now. I got like five little moustache hairs and I’m bringing them all for you, girl. But when I do party, I’ma bring my signature cocktail.

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Show me juice box!

[There is ‘beverages’ in answer board]

Ay! Number six answer. Okay, alright, the Falcon fans have the board. [Steve Harvey walks to team Falcon] Alright, Samuel L. Jackson, something that you bring to a party.

Samuel L. Jackson: Why do I got to bring something? You invited me. That’s a stupid ass question and I hope you burn in hell!

Steve Harvey: Um, look here. I don’t know who brought you up in here. But I”m watching you. Yeah, okay, Paula Deen, give me something that you bring to a party.

Paula Deen: Well, yeah, a party’s gotta have food so I’ma bring my famous seven-layer cheese dip. It’s cheese, then beans, then cheese, then farts, then beans and cheese.

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if Michelle Obama had an opposite person. Show me, bring some extra febreze!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, two strikes. On to Roger Goodell, something that you bring to a party.

Roger Goodell: Oh, I love to party. Just you and a dozen lawyers in a luxury box just getting turnt. Turnt up.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, that’s a great answer. ON behalf of all the players in the NFL, this is dedicated to you. [wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, alright, Patriots fans got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to team Patriots] Something that you take to a party, give me some answers.

Lady Gaga: Dwarves.

Bill Belichick: Hoodies, maybe?

Steve Harvey: Great answers there but Gisele, it is up to you. What do you take to a party?

Gisele Bundchen: Steve, a party is being together. I’ll say the beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some nonesense!

[right answer bell. The answer board has “The beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity” as number one answer.]

Ay! Man! That was the number one answer! My lord. How did that happen?

[Cut to Bill Belichick smiling and using a computer.]Wait! Bill Belichick, did you hack the board?

[Bill Belichick laughing weirdly]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sneaky old fool. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’ll tell you the name of the tiny little elf that hides in my moustache. We’ll see you later.

Pizza Town

Carozzi… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Peppi Ronnie… Aziz Ansari

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Steve… Mikey Day

Marynara… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Carozzi hiding in an abandoned Pizza Town]

Carozzi: [talking on the phone] Cops are all over the stash house. So, I’m laying low at the abandoned Pizza Town off route. Look, if you find that snitch, you kill him.

[Two cops walk in pointing a gun at Carozzi]

Beck: Freeze, Carozzi. [to his partner] See if you can find the fuse box and get some light on it.

[Kenan runs to turn lights on]

Carozzi: How did you find me?

Beck: One of you boys ratted you out. Your whole operation’s going down.

Carozzi: Who ratted? Was it Marco?

Beck: Let me worry about that.

Kenan: Found the fuse box.

[the lights turn oh. There’s a robot band on the stage of the restaurant.]

[music playing]

Peppi Ronnie: I’m Peppi Ronnie. [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

Let’s all eat pizza, pizza
let’s all eat pizza pie
I am a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza guy

Beck: Why’d you turn this thing one?

Kenan: I don’t know. It’s just one switch.

Beck: Don’t do anything stupid, Carozzi.

Peppi Ronnie: Say hi to my pizza pals.

[Jeff is playing drums wearing chef uniform]

Jeff: I’m Chef Jeff, and I make-a the pizzas.

[Steve is playing guitar that looks like a pizza]

Steve: I’m Cheesy Steve and I shred the guitar-mesan.

[guitar solo playing]

[Marynara is playing tamborine]

Marynara: And I’m Sauce-some Marynara on the Tamborine.

Peppi Ronnie: We are Peppi-Ronnie and the Pizza Pals, and we’ll be right pizza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

[Carozzi is tryin to pull something out of his jacket]

Beck: Hey! Hey! That’s a bad idea.

Kenan: Yeah, I know, right? They should have Marynara on the keyboards instead of tambourine. Ha-ha. There’s so much synth in that song.

Beck: I’m not talking about the pizza band.

[siren sound]

Sounds like our backup’s here.

Peppi Ronnie: That sound was the birthday siren! [music playing] It’s someone’s birthday!

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like the birthday pie
go happy pizza birthday
birthday girl, birthday guy

Congratulations to–

Recorded voice: Samora.

Peppi Ronnie: Who turnes–

Recorded voice: Nine.

Peppi Ronnie: And is is celebrating with–

Recorded voice: Mom and Gary.

Peppi Ronnie: Cowabunga!

Recorded voice: Lope.

Peppi Ronnie: Here’s a joke just for you. Did you hear about the pizza with no toppings? There was mushroom (much room) for improvement!

Steve: That’s cheesy!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: You get it? Ha-ha. Mushroom for improvement. Yeah, that’s clever.

Carozzi: Hey, i’m not going back to jail.

Beck: Shut up. I don’t want to shoot you, Carozzi. Now I’m coming over and taking you in.
[music playing and the stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: [singing] Don’t you want some pizza
don’t you want some pizza

[music stops]

Oh! Who ordered anchovies?

[fog horn]

PIzza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: That’s good. Nobody likes anchovies.

Beck: Stop watching the pizza band.

[Beck walks towards Carozzi to handcuff him]

Carozzi: I want a lawyer, okay?

Beck: Well, it’s not gonna help you, Corozzi. Come on, let’s take him in.

Kenan: Yeah, you go ahead. I’m gonna stay behind and wait for forensics.

[The stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: Hey, who here likes to dance?

[Kenan looks around]

Kenan: I do.

Peppi Ronnie: Then let’s crust a move!

[music playing]

[Kenan starts dancing]

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

La La Land Interrogation

Damarco… Cecily Strong

Santagelli… Beck Bennett

Mr. Shah… Aziz Ansari

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Damarco and Santagelli getting inside the interrogating room. Mr. Shah is a suspect.]

Damarco: Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Santagelli: You smell that, Damarco?

Damarco: Yeah! It’s a big fat piece of dog crap.

Mr. Shah: I’m sorry. What? I’ve been in this room for two hours and no one will tell me what I did.

Damarco: Shut up, punk! You know what you did.

Santagelli: I can’t even look at you. You disgust me.

Damarco: Last night, 7 PM. Ring any bells?

Mr. Shah: [shaking head] Yeah. I was on a date with this new girl I’m seeing. Call her. She’ll tell you.

Santagelli: No need. We’ve got the security footage for your little date right here.

Damarco: It’s gonna help put you away for a very long time. Roll it, Santagelli.

[Santagelli plays the tape on the TV]

[Cut to Mr. Shah’s date with Aidy]

Aidy: So, what’s been your favorite movie this year? Mine was ‘La La Land’. Hands down.

Mr. Shah: ReallY?

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it was good, but I thought it kind of dragged in the middle.

[Cut to the interrogation room. Santagelli turns off the TV.]

Damarco: What do you have to say for yourself you sick son of a bitch?

Mr. Shah: What do you mean?

[Damarco walks to Mr. Shah and gets aggressive]

Damarco: ‘La La Land’ is a perfect film!

Mr. Shah: Whoa! Okay! I mean, I liked it. I just thought there were too many montages in the middle.

Damarco: that’s how you show the passage of time you dumb mother–

Santagelli: [interrupting] Damarco! Damarco!

Damarco: Sorry. I just– Ryan Gosling didn’t learn piano from scratch so some little prick could come and nitpick.

Santagelli: Listen, Mr. Shah, we’re on your side. Just help us understand why you said what you said about this gorgeous musical.

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I mean, I liked it. It was fun. The singing was good. I mean I guess I just didn’t think it was like amazing singing.

Santagelli: [yelling] That’s the f-ing point!

Damarco: They’re just regular people falling in love and singing.

Santagelli: And they weren’t singing to a track. They were really singing on the day.

Damarco: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see you sing on the day you dumb sack of–

[Damarco throws the chair to one sided see through mirror and breaks it.]

Santagelli: Now, I’m gonna show you a picture and I want you to tell me what you see, alright?

[Santagelli puts a picture on the table]

Mr. Shah: A bloody woman?

Santagelli: Oh, sorry, that’s from our other case. [Santagelli shows a picture of an award] Now, what do you see?

Mr. Shah: That’s a Golden Globe.

Damarco: Yeah. Yeah it is. Now tell me, why would a bad movie win seven of these?

Santagelli: I mean, I’m just wondering, you know, what do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’? Huh? [Santagelli gets aggressive and holds on Mr. Shah’s collar] What do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’?

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I guess, ‘Moonlight’.

Santagelli: Oh, ‘Moonlight’, so good.

Damarco: Yes, Moonlight’s so important. So good. Yeah.

Santagelli: Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Shah: Did you guys see it?

Santagelli: Oh, you know, no. But I want to. I just can’t get myself to go.

Damarco: Yeah, just coz I know it’s gonna be a whole thing.

Mr. Shah: What do you mean a whole thing?

Santagelli: Hey, don’t try and turn this on us, you sick pervert.

Mr. Shah: Pervert? Listen, I liked the movie. I just didn’t love it! It’s a whole movie about jazz and there’s no black people in it.

Damarco: Oh, oh, oh. Weird. Santagelli, now I didn’t realize John Legend was white.

Santagelli: Yeah, weird, Damarco. Last time I checked, John Legend was black.

Mr. Shah: Come on, guys.

Damarco: Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, and Santagelli, I didn’t realize that the couple on the bridge was also white?

Santagelli: Oh, yeah, Damarco. I could have sworn, they were black. Yeah, he was black, she was black.

Mr. Shah: Okay, wait. I don’t remember a bridge scene. That might have been when I feel asleep.

[Santagelli walks to Mr. Shah and puts him down on the table]

Santagelli: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you what?

Mr. Shah: I fell asleep for just like a sec.

Santagelli: Tell me you saw them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: What?

Santagelli: I wanna hear it. Tell me you say them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: I don’t think so. Was that like a huge plot point?

Santagelli: [yelling] No! It was just lovely, and that’s okay.

Damarco: Not everything has to be plot. God!

Mr. Shah: I just liked ‘Manchester by the sea’.

Damarco: Hey! News flash, you can like them both!

[Vanessa gets in with Kenan on handcuffs]

Aidy: Excuse me officers, I have another one. Mind if I put him in here?

Damarco: Yeah. Go ahead.

[Vanessa walks out]

Kenan: Hey, what’s up, man?

Mr. Shah: You didn’t like ‘La La Land’ either?

Kenan: Na, I didn’t like ‘Westworld’. It’s too slow. I thought the finale could have been the premiere.

Damarco and Santagelli: [yelling] They had to build up to that!

[The End]

Shondra and Malik

Vanessa Bayer

Shondra… Leslie Jones

Malik… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of New York streets]

[hip hop music playing]

[Shondra & Malik video bumper]

Vanessa: I’m just saying be careful out here. You don’t need that stress.

Shondra: Man, ain’t nobody worried about Malik. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. [a car is coming over] Here comes this fool now.

Vanessa: We’ll take it down the block. I don’t want to be involved.

[Vanessa walks away]

[The car pulls over and Malik comes out.]

Malik: Shondra! What I’d told you about being on my block?

Shondra: Man, this ain’t your block. And you ain’t the only one allowed to make money out here, Malik. You think you can just roll up on me by yourself?

Malik: Yo, I ain’t never along. [showing his handgun]

Shondra: [laughing] You ain’t saying nothing. What’s good then? [Showing her handgun]

Malik: Oh, so that’s how you want it?

Shondra: It’s whatever, fool.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, cops.

[police car drives by]

Malik: Ya, aite! You lucky it’s hot out here.

Shondra: No, you lucky.

Malik: We’re gonna see about that. Don’t let me catch you on this block again, Shondra. It’s going down.

Shondra: Whatever.

Malik: It’s going to be a problem.

[Malik gets in the car but the engine doesn’t start.]

Shondra: Ay! Ay, you’re flooding it, man.

Malik: I’m not.

Vanessa: Sounds flooded, babe.

Malik: Come on, up!

[the engine starts]

Yeah! There it go. There it go. You know what? [Malik gets out of the car again] Like I said, don’t let me catch you on this block again, alright? Don’t let me catch you slipping.

Shondra: You ain’t going to never catch me slipping, homey.

[Malik gets in the car]

Malik: That’s all I gots to say. I’m out.

[the engine breaks]

[Cut to Shondra looking at the engine bonnet for Malik]

Malik: So what you think it is? The starter or the alternator?

Shondra: I don’t know, man. But this belt is pretty worn out. You need to get it changed.

Malik: Well, can’t you just get it going for now?

Shondra: That’s what I’m trying to do. Go get in the car and try to see if it will start.

Malik: Alright.

[Malik gets in the car. The engine starts.]

Yeah. Yeah.

Shondra: Alright. Yeah, man!

Malik: I appreciate that. I appreciate that. But this don’t change nothing. [a lot of smoke is coming out of Malik’s car] If I see you out here again, it’s gonna be a problem.

Shondra: [looking at the car] Dude, it’s smoking.

Malik: That’s me? I’m doing that?

Shondra: Yeah. That’s you.

Malik: Wait a minute. Okay now, this is P, this is reverse–

Shondra: What are you doing? Put it in drive, dude!

Malik: I am putting it in drive. Wait, that’s D, right?

Shondra: Man, you is stupid. Whose car is this?

[Malik turns the car off]

Malik: What? Man, you stupid. Especially if I catch you on my block again, you know what I”m saying?

Shondra: Man, you know what homey? You’re going to have to do what you gonna do, because– Ah! Ah! [putting her hand on her chest]

Malik: What’s wrong? What’s the matter?

Shondra: It’s my chest, man.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, that’s probably your heart. You’ve got to stop it with that stress.

Shondra: I think I need to go to the hospital. Somebody call me an ambulance, man.

Malik: I can run you over there.

Shondra: What? No! Not in this raggedy car, you can’t even get it started.

Malik: Man, ambulance is gonna take too long. Come on, I’ll take you over there now. [to Vanessa] Yeah, help me get her in the car.

Vanessa: Alright.

Malik: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody in the car]

Malik: Come on! [the engine doesn’t start]

Shondra: I told you we should have called an ambulance.

[the engine starts]

Malik: Ah! Yeah! So you ain’t think it was going to start. Just hang on.

Shondra: You know what, Malik? Thanks man. If I don’t make it–

Malik: Come on, man. Don’t talk crazy, man, I got you, your’e going to be alright.

Vanessa: Does anyone smell gas?

[The car bursts into fire.]

Felicity Jones Monologue

Felicity Jones

Jyn Erso … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Jones.

[Felicity Jones walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Felicity Jones: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be here hosting the first show of 2017. I’ve been in several films this year. But I’m here tonight because of an Indie Movie I’m in called ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.’ I play Jyn Erso. It’s very cool to be the lead in the film especially as a woman. I didn’t get to use a light saber in the movie, but I did get to transfer a very large data file. So, all very exciting. Watch out for my action figure which comes complete with dropbox account. ‘Rogue One’ is the first spinoff movie in the ‘Star Wars’ universe. There’s an upcoming movie about ‘Young Han Solo’, and also the first NC-17 Star Wars movie, ‘The Force Arouses’.

This is all very exciting, but I’ll have to admit that I’m–

[Jyn Erso walks in]

Jyn Erso: Jyn!

Felicity Jones: –nervous about the show. Hi.

Jyn Erso: Is that you? Jyn Erso.

Felicity Jones: Saw Garrera?

Jyn Erso: It is you, Jyn! I have some urgent news. [takes a breath through a mask]

Felicity Jones: What are you breathing from that mask?

Jyn Erso: Wouldn’t you like to know? Felicity, I heard you needed help with your SNL hosting mission. I have a message from an old friend.

[Jyn Erso puts something on the ground and leaves. A hologram of Tina Fey appears in front of Felicity Jones.]

Tina Fey: Felicity! Felicity!

Felicity Jones: Oh my god! Oh my god! Tina Fey! You’re in a head scarf. Are you a Star Wars princess?

Tina Fey: No, I just– I bought this Eileen Fisher. They have amazing deals after the holidays.

Felicity Jones: Why are you a hologram? Are you like Tupac?

Tina Fey: In so many ways. Yes. Except that Dr. Dre that I’m friend’s with is my podiatrist. Felicity, I hear you’re hosting SNL.

Felicity Jones: Yes. Yes. I’m a bit nervous to be honest.

Tina Fey: No, don’t be. If Steven Seagal can do it, so can you. All you need to do is go out there and do your best. Don’t worry about what the reviews say.

Felicity Jones: Does this show get reviewed?

Tina Fey: Yes. Way too much. Also, no matter how it goes, the president of the United States will say it’s sad and overrated.

Felicity Jones: The president?

Tina Fey: [laughing] Yeah! The president. It’s fine, no one cares. But Felicity, listen to me. Tonight there will be lots of sketches and you’re not always going to be the funny one. Here’s a rule. If your first line in a sketch is, “Hey guys, I hope you don’t mind that I brought my friend Ray Ray,” then you’re not the funny one.

Felicity Jones: Yeah. I suspected that was the case.

Tina Fey: Also, if Leslie Jones suddenly appears at the end of a sketch acting vaguely horny and angry at everyone, it means the writers couldn’t think of an ending.

Felicity Jones: Sure. I’ve only met Leslie once and she called me Downtown Abby.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s a term of endearment. She calls anyone that who is white and British. And remember, if all else fails, you should know that back in season 35, I put a fatal flaw in the system. If you take out Kenan Thompson, the studio will explode.

Felicity Jones: Is that why he’s been on the show so long?

[Kenan Thompson walks in, still wearing Jyn Erso costume]

Kenan: Well, that and he has a family.

[Kenan Thompson walks out]

Felicity Jones: I see. Thanks, Tina, your advice has been so helpful. Is there anything that I can do for you?

Tina Fey: Yes. You must get this message to J.J. Abrams. Tell him I am technically available to act in films.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: [loud voice] Felicity! Ha-ha! Whoo, girl! Why you talking to that white lady from Whiskey Tango? It is making me angry and horny.

Tina Fey: See? There it is. Now go out there and make it happen.

Felicity Jones: I’ll try my best. [the hologram disappears] We have got a great show tonight. Sturgill Simpson is here. Stick around and we will be right back.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada. It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Robot Presentation

Kate McKinnon

Fred Armisen

Helix 900… Beck Bennett

Helix 950… Kyle Mooney

Casey Affleck

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Kate and Fred on their presentation.]

Kate: Hello, welcome everybody. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

Fred: Thank you. Thank you.

Kate: Thank you all so much for coming to the 2016 Microsoft Tech Expo.

[music playing]

Fred: Today we are excited to introduce our latest advancement in robotic programming, the Helix 900.

[Kate and Fred walk to Helix 900]

Kate: Helix 900 is a robotic employee with processing speed 50 times faster than a computer.

Fred: Which means he can increase office efficiency by 9,000%, guaranteed!

Kate: But enough talk! What do you say we turn him on?

[audience clapping]

Alright.

[Kate turns Helix 900 on]

Fred: Alright. Introducing Helix 900.

Helix 900: Hello. I’m Helix 900. I am programmed to translate any language, read any document under 1.4 milliseconds, and store up to 50 terabytes of data. Also, I am attracted to men. I like the way their bodies look. Men are sexy to me.

Fred: Okay, great! Helix 900, everyone.

[applause]

Kate: Thank you. Thank you. Helix. Does anyone have any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry, yes. I feel weird asking this. But…

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no! Of course, ask anything.

Fred: That’s what the demo is for.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Um, why did he just say that he was attracted to men?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Oh, well, because Helix 900 identifies as homosexual.

Fred: That’s right. He’s a gay robot.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Cool. But why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Umm… why not?

Fred: It’s 2016?

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh! Right, right, right. Of course. I’m sorry I asked.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Great! [music playing] Now, would anyone like to test Helix 900’s programming? Go ahead, ask him anything. You!

[Cut to audience]

Alex: Um, yeah, [looking at his mobile phone] Helix 900, what is 4,981 times 22,912.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: 114,124,672.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, that was fast.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: Also, I can’t get enough of men’s bodies. I’m sexually attracted to them. Sex with men is the type of sex I like.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Wow! This is impressive, right?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry. It’s a work machine, right? I mean, you made him to help people work?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, that’s correct.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay, well then why is he talking so much about being gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay. Okay. So you don’t mind a gay robot as long as they don’t talk about being gay?

Fred: I’m sorry Cindy, do we still live in the stone age?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Wait. Am I wrong? [asking others in the audience] Am I being homophobic?

Aidy: Oh, I don’t want to get involved in this.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Let’s keep moving. [music playing] Helix 900 also has the most advanced life like movement of any of the Helix models. Should we take him for a spin? Helix 900, walk.

[Helix 900 starts jump-walking like a girl]

Helix 900: Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through.

Kate: Perfect. Thank you so much, Helix. Sir, did you have a question about that?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, yeah, but I don’t really want to ask it.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no, no. Come on. Ask it. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay then, did you guys program it to, like, walk gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Um, I personally didn’t see him ‘walk gay’. I just saw him… walk. Am I right, Cindy?

Kate: Yeah, yeah. Are you saying all gay people walk the same or…?

Fred: I gotta say dude, it’s weird how obsessed you are with Helix 900’s sexuality.

Kate: Yeah, I bet most of these other people didn’t even notice he was gay. Right, guys? Did you notice?

[Cut to the audience]

Aidy: Ummm….

Kenan: I don’t want to answer.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Well, buckle up because we have a surprise for you. Introducing our even more advanced model, the Helix 950.

[The door behind them open and Helix 950 walks in]

Helix 950: [talking sassy] Hey! I’m Helix 950. I have built in wireless capabilities and super fast processing.

Kate: Great! Any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: So, this robot is also gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, but how could you tell?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Well, coz you programmed his voice to be so—

Kenan: Oh boy, you really stepped in it now.

Casey: Ah! You’re right. Never mind. I support both of the gay robots and I hope they’re happy. Are they a couple, or?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Are they a couple? No, they’re not each other’s types.

Kate: FYI, not every gay robot is attracted to every other gay robot.

Helix 900: I like little Latin men.

Helix 950: And I like big strong men that can dominate me.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Oh, good. That’s great.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we’ll demo our new Helix 1000.

Fred: He is also gay but still in the closet, so please don’t say anything.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: What? Whoa! Whoa! Why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Because he’s not ready and that’s okay.

Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle]

[three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off]

[Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]

Jingle Barack (Chance the Rapper)

Kenan Thompson

Chance the Rapper

Leslie Jones

[Starts with 1 and 2 walking in with big jewelry chains on. It looks like an old-school hiphop music video.]

[music playing]

Speaker 1: Yo! It’s been a dope eight years but now we got one last Christmas with Barack Obama. So if we going out, we going out with a bang!

Speaker 2: Let’s get Holly and Jolly, y’all! shall we?

Speaker 1: [rapping] It’s December 24th in the USA
and the party’s going down in a major way
the DJ is bopping

Speaker 2: Crazy snow outside!

Speaker 1: There’s eggnog

Speaker 2: And chicken

Speaker 1: And turkey

1 and 2: And fries.

Speaker 1: We still got Barack

Speaker 2: So you now what that means

Speaker 1: We shooting some hoops

1 and 2: In high waist jeans.

Speaker 1: So test this season

1 and 2: Let’s spread some cheer

Speaker 1: It’s the last Christmas

1 and 2: With Barack still here.

Speaker 1: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here

Speaker 1: Hey kids, enjoy the presents while you can
coz next year you might get a bomb from Iran
man, we got birth control under the tree
and we stuffing every stocking with legal weed

Hey, Brad

Speaker 2: Hey, Mike

1 and 2: Get married tonight

Speaker 1: And real quick, let all the immigrants inside
So go nuts–

Speaker 2: Before the north poles disappear

Speaker 1: Coz it’s the last Christmas

1 and 2: Before Trump next year.

Speaker 1: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here
La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-before Trump next year.

Speaker 1: Oh, snap! Even Jesus is getting down.

Speaker 2: Dang, Jesus. I didn’t know you were a democrat.

This year I bought four Christmas trees
stock piled all the Home Alone DVDs
I got batteries, can food, everything I need
there probably never be another Christmas eve
been drinking eggnog like I don’t care
I’ma hurt myself before we lose Obamacare
Say goodbye to Barack, say goodbye December
for our new holiday called ‘Regular Winter’

even Kanye is endorsing him
got Obama back smoking Newports again
left the cookies and will and testament
for the first, maybe last black president there
I’m decked out in Santa gear from heard to toe
Then I noticed Papa wasn’t in his festive clothes
I said, “Dad, what’s wrong?” and he said back
“Never trust a white dude wearing no read hat.”

1 and 2: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here
La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-before Trump next year.

[3 makes an appearance]

Speaker 3: Here I go, here I go, here I go
again girls, what’s my weakness? Joe Biden
he makes me feel funny in the Christmas brief
with his aviator shades and his big ass teeth
wanna take a freaky ride with air-trek Joe
we could share ice cream under mistle toe
so Joe, let’s snuggle up for a four year nap
And I’ll take what I want while I sit on your lap

1 and 2: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack
I do the jingle Barack
last Christmas with Obama
so hug your baby mama
I do the jingle Barack

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack
I do the jingle Barack
last Christmas with Obama
so hug your baby mama
might be the very last Christmas

[Cut to video clip of Barack Obama’s mic drop]