Tag: Kyle Mooney

Future Self | Season 44 Episode 16

Trent, Mikey day,

Trent after 10 years… Alex Moffat

Tischy… Sandra Oh

Cam Thornton… Kyle Mooney

Trent after 20 years… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Trent looking at the mirror, working out in his room.]

Trent: Four, five. It’s useless. [Giving up] I’m never going to get jacked. I’m always going to be a scrawny dork. Who makes the team, never gets the girl, never amounts to anything.

[Suddenly, Treant after 10 years appears in the mirror]

Trent after 10 years: I disagree Trent.

Present Trent: Whoa, who are you?

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: You don’t you recognize me, dude? I’m you, 10 years from now at 25.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: But you’re—

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Jacked? Yeah, because I didn’t give up on myself.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: So I won’t be a scrawny loser forever?

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Definitely not. You’ve got ripped bod, a great job, and even a girlfriend.

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Present Trent: Wow, I have a girlfriend?

Trent after 10 years: Oh, yeah, bud.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: Whoa, I can’t believe it. Who’s my girlfriend?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Tischy: I am! What’s good, baby? I’m Tischy.

Trent after 10 years: This is Tischy? Your girlfriend in 10 years.

Tischy: I’m 47!

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: I’m sorry. In 10 years she will be my girlfriend?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Tischy: Oh yeah, I give my man that good goo goo. He get that bun bun on the reg. Tischy make it all squishy.

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: I’m sorry, just to be absolutely clear, this 47 year old woman with the broken arm and a can of Four Loko will be my girlfriend in 10 years?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Yes. So cheer up, the future is looking pretty bright.

Tischy: Oh, Tischy got to grab another Four Loko.

Trent after 10 years: Pace yourself babe, it’s only 10 in the morning. So just believe in yourself, Trent.

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Present Trent: Why?

Trent after 10 years: Because you’re awesome.

Present Trent: No, why is Tischy my girlfriend? I don’t understand it.

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Man! You still don’t think you’re cool enough to get a girl like Tischy? Well, maybe you should talk to somebody who you think is cool. [Trent after 10 years disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: Wait, no, no! Don’t go, I have more questions! [Cut to Present Trent] Oh my god, what’s wrong with future me?

[Cam Thornton appears in the mirror]

Cam Thornton: Hey, it’s me, Cam Thornton, the coolest kid in your highschool 10 years from now. Back then I wouldn’t even talk to you but now you’re my boss.

Present Trent: Cool. Do you know my girlfriend?

Cam Thornton: Tischy? [Cut to Cam Thornton] Yeah, I’m glad you brought that up. Do you know why you’re so into her? Cause no one at work can figure it out.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: No, I thought like maybe in the future that sort of girl is like super desirable or something?

[Cut to Cam Thornton]

Cam Thornton: Tischy? No man, she’s crazy. You must really love her. I mean, you stayed with her after she burned down your house all those times.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: What do you mean all those times?

[Cut to Cam Thornton]

Cam Thornton: You’ll find out. Anyway, see you in 10 years. [Cam Thornton disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: What? No, no, no! Oh my god, am I stupid into the future? Why are you so into Tischy?

[Tischy appears in the mirror]

Tischy: Because Tischy got that good goo goo.

Present Trent: What is goo goo?

Tischy: Not what you think!

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: Tischy, like when did we meet?

[Cut to Tischy]

Tischy: The night you got beat up.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: who beat me up?

[Cut to Tischy]

Tischy: I did. Now look at these moves. [Tischy starts dancing] Tischy dance like this. Wow! Tischy dance like that. Pow! Tischy dance like this. Wow! Tischy dance like that. Pow! [Tischy disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: I don’t know if I should listen to my future self if he’s so into Tischy. Maybe I should just stay a weak dork forever.

[Trent after 20 years appears in the mirror]

Trent after 20 years: Who you calling dork? Hi there, name’s Trent. You, 20 years from now.

Present Trent:  Whoa, I’m still in pretty good shape.

[Cut to Trent after 20 years]

Trent after 20 years: Oh yea, cause you got the right attitude. And since you believed in yourself, 35 is looking pretty nice.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: Is Tischy still my girlfriend?

[Cut to Trent after 20 years and Present Trent]

Trent after 20 years: [Laughs] No way.

Present Trent: Oh, thank god.

[Cut to Trent after 20 years]

Trent after 20 years: She’s your wife. [Showing the ring]

Present Trent: What?

[Tischy joins Trent after 20 years]

Tischy: What’s good! You put a ring on it!

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: No!

Trent after 20 years: Yes. You married the only girl I ever kissed.

Present Trent: What? Only Tischy!

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 20 years]

Tischy: Oh yeah baby, I got that yummy pow pow.

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: Wait, your arm is still broken? Why do I like you?

Tischy: Cause I got that good goo goo! We do that knock knock. And I own Samsung.

Present Trent: Wait, you own Samsung?

Tischy: Yeah, I’m a billionaire, baby!

Present Trent: Oh, okay. Now I get it.

[Trent after 10 years joins]

Trent after 10 years: You think I’d do you like that? Come on, man!

Electric Shoes | Season 44 Episode 16

Lyle Woods… Kyle Mooney

Ida May Avery… Leslie Jones

Jarvis Fillmore… Kenan Thompson

Announcer… Sandra Oh

[Starts with Roots of Rock intro]

[Cut to Lyle Woods in his set]

Lyle Woods: What’s up? Lyle Woods coming at you through the magic of the airwaves. And this is the Roots of Rock. What a wild ride it’s been. Tonight we look at unsung pioneer blues. [Cut to picture of Ida May Avery] Ida May Avery was called the muse of Memphis. [Cut to Lyle Woods] She got her first piano out of an abandoned church from  an old Chrysler Imperial. In 1966 she was invited to perform on the British pop show ‘Wing Dig’. It was memorable night of music that also stax music artist, [Cut to a picture of Jarvis Fillmore] Jarvis Fillmore. [Cut to Lyle Woods] That footage was never available until now. Check it out.

[Cut to black and white video of Jarvis Fillmore playing]

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Electric shoes, they’re on my feet, they feel so sweet, out in the streets
♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, electric shoes
♪they goin rocka- shaka- maybe even daka
♪my electric shoes!

Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage and  the announcer comes to the stage]

Announcer: Jarvis Fillmore, wasn’t that fantastic ladies and gentlemen? Jarvis Fillmore.

Jarvis Fillmore: lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric

[Jarvis Fillmore comes to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, electric shoes
♪a thousand watts, is what I got, and that’s a lot up in my shoes.
♪and that’s so bright, so light, a little bit tight
♪my electric shoes!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage]

[Cut to the announcer with the audience]

Announcer: Just brilliant. Jarvis Fillmore again, ladies and gentlemen. he was a trip, wasn’t he?

Alex Moffat: Incredible. You’re brilliant mate.

Heidi Gardner: Love you, Doll!

Announcer: Indeed. Very, very nice. Now he have an artist—

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick–

Announcer: Oh, he’s still going!

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

[Jarvis jumps in the middle of the crowd here and there]

♪I’m over here
♪Now, I’m over here
♪Now I’m over here
♪Now I’m right here coz I’m so quick
♪And I’m so slick
♪because I got lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric
♪electric electric shoes,

[Jarvis walks up to the stage]

♪they make you move, they make you groove
♪go plug them in, it’s insane
♪tic, tic, tic, tic, tok, tok, tok, tok,
♪tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok
♪my electric shoes

Thank you very much, everybody! Thank you.

[Cut to the announcer with the audience]

Announcer: Jarvis Fillmore smashed it, didn’t he?

Jarvis Fillmore: Lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove

Thank you very much! Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore walks out of the stage again]

[Cut to Lyle Woods]

Lyle Woods: Jarvis Fillmore played 17 encores that night. But if anyone could follow him, it was Ida May Avery. Take a look.

[Cut to the Announcer and Ida May Avery on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it is a privilege to have an American blues artist Ida May Avery here with us tonight. Performing her powerful song ‘Deliver us to the mountain top’.

Ida May Avery: That’s right. I–

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, they never snooze
♪never stop you, they rock you, never ever stop you
boom-shaka-laka-laka-lak
♪Electric shoes, they better move, and take you to, they never snooze
♪and that’s so bright, so light, a little bit tight
♪tic, tic, tic, tic, tok, tok, tok, tok,
♪tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok
♪oh! my electric shoes

Thank you very much! Good night!

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage. Announcer and Ida May walk up on the stage]

Announcer: Tremendous! Jarvis Fillmore, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we only have time for –

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Power it up, power it up, power it up! Power, power, power!

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

 ♪Power, power! Power, power! Electric shoes, electric shoes 

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage]

[Cut to Lyle Woods]

Lyle Woods: Unfortunately, it took another two hours for Ida May Avery to finally get to perform after Jarvis Fillmore suffered what doctors called blowing out one of his balls. We’ll have that footage on the next show. Keep it weird, people.

[Drums roll. Jarvis Fillmore joins Lyle Wood’s set]

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Electric shoes you never lose
♪I’m here 15 years later just like a terminator

 

Test Prep | Season 44 Episode 16

Mrs. H… Sandra Oh

Clark… Aidy Bryant

Ramano… Kate McKinnon

Brett… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Mrs. H teaching in class]

Mrs. H: Okay class, let’s focus up. As you know your SAT2s are this weekend, so let’s review. [Cut to Mrs. H] Who can tell me what the metaphor is in Franz Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis”? [Cut to the students] Anyone? [Cut to Mrs. H] Nobody? How about you, Miss Clark?

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: I guess it’s like [Music starts playing] one day you wake up, and everything’s different. You’re not a kid anymore. No more playing with dolls. Now it’s drinking with beer. Plus someone wrote slut on your locker when you haven’t even kissed a boy. And you just want to go back to how thing were, but things didn’t change, you did.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, pretty close, but the answer was, C, Cockroach. A quick reminder that the SAT2s are multiple choice and what you just said will not fit on a Scranton.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Thanks. I guess you’re right. I should become a writer.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Not what I said, but okay. Moving on, who wants to tell me what the lion symbolizes in ‘Julius Ceasar’? Mr. Ramano?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: All right. I’ll play your little game. [Music starts playing] So you’re a guy, right, and you and your friends, you’re like brothers. You do everything together. Break into houseboats, drink and fight, touching my truck and one day they stab you in the back. So you might as well drop out. Forget about college. Because you’re going to toilet school.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Toilet school like to become a plumber.

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Okay, fine, I didn’t read it.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, why not?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Because I can’t read! Is that what you want to hear? I can see the little squiggles but I can’t make them make sound!

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Clark: Hey, that’s called dyslexic. I could teach you.

Ramano: I don’t need your charity.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Well, it’s not like that. Remember, the night by the football house when you showed me what starts were?

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Ramano: Of course. That’s the night I messed around with your best friend.

Clark: That’s right. My mom.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, yikes! There’s a lot going on in this class, but I’m a sub. So I’m just gonna kick this can down the road. Okay, how about we go over some nice, cold math. Nothing emotional there. Brett, what’s the formula for a parabola?

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: Parabola. [Music starts playing] So you start off, and everything is all up, up and away. You’re on top of the world. Number one in the football team! Major leagues baby! No back up plan. And then you start falling. Fast! Hard! And you end up in– you end up in a place that looks a hell of a lot like where you started.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: None of that was math, and I think you know that.

[Cut to Pete holding his paper]

Pete Davidson: Um, hey, Mrs. H, I finished my practice test. Can I go?

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, are you sure you don’t want to do a big emotional speech for us?

[Cut to Pete holding]

Pete Davidson: No, I’m good. Because I have to be good. [music starts playing] Because my old man used to beat my ass. Yes, sir! No, sir!

Mrs. H: Okay, enough. [Cut to Mrs. H]  You kids think you have problems, I’m not even a real teacher! I just fill in when other teachers have babies or hangovers. It’s like I don’t even exist. And I convinced my husband to open up our marriage, and now he’s cleaning up, and I can’t give it away!

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: [Thinking] Wow, I guess I learned a lot today. But the thing I learned the most was each other.

Cut for Time: New Cast Member | Season 44 Episode 15

Kyle Mooney

Adam Zekeman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Idris Elba

[Starts with video clips of Kyle Mooney walking down the streets]

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve been on SNL for six years now. And it can be such a challenge to find your place on the show. That’s why it’s so amazing when a new cast member gets the chance to shine. [Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera] Unfortunately though, not all first year cast members have easy time with it. It gets kind of where Adam’s at.

[Cut to Dress Rehearsal room]

Kenan Thompson: But what if they don’t?

Kyle Mooney: It was all for nothing.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, exactly. Remember.

Kyle Mooney: All right. Cool. I got that. [Kyle Mooney leaves. Adam Zekeman walks to Kenan Thompson]

Adam Zekeman: So, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: What’s up man?

Adam Zekeman: Hey man, so I’m not in the show again, this week. Just wondering if you got any news for the new guy?

Kenan Thompson: Um, just keep trying. You know? There’s always next week.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, the master speaks wisely. All right brother, love your ass. SNL!

[Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera]

What’s up people, I am Adam Zekeman, one of the new cast members on Saturday Night Live. You might be thinking, “I don’t recognize this guy.” Well, the truth is they haven’t used me too much this year. But it’s still been an amazing journey. From hearing my name in the intro, [Cut to small clip from intro featuring Adam Zekeman] [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera] , to the random awesome sketches they have put me in [Cut to small clip from sketches featuring Adam Zekeman]. And even if you didn’t have a ton of lines last week, there’s still a chance that this week, you’ll write an amazing new character.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman in the hallway. Mikey Day is walking.]

Mikey Day. Mickey! Hey man! Would you want to work on that Stoned Cowboy thing?

Mikey Day: Oh, um, I don’t think I can this week.

Adam Zekeman: No problemo! All right, just text me if things change or whatever.

Mikey Day: Yeap!

Adam Zekeman: Friday night, people get busy. But that’s just for the job. [Cut to Adam walks to Leslie Jone’s office door, knocks and opens the door] Hey Leslie.

Leslie Jones: [Bleep] off, Zekeman.

[Adam Zekeman closes the door]

Adam Zekeman: Love her. Um, probably just going to end up writing on my own tonight. Easier that way.

[Cut to Wardrobe fitting room. Adam Zekeman is wearing waiter costume.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, that cowboy thing was super funny, so it’s not going.

Adam Zekeman: Um, thanks Mooney. At least I get to play this weird waiter.

Kyle Mooney: I think it’s just a regular waiter. See you man.

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

[Mikey Day walks to Adam Zekeman]

Mikey Day: Hey, Adam, we’re going to have to lose you from the restaurant piece.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, okay. Is the sketch too long? Or?

Mikey Day: No. Also, is this your crumpled up drawing of you winning an Emmy award? [Mikey Day hands over a paper with rough drawing] Cleaning crew found it in your garbage can. Yeah, I thought it might be your’s.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, I don’t think so. What the hell.

Mikey Day: All right. [Mikey Day leaves] See you dude.

Adam Zekeman: Thanks man.

[Cut to rehearsal on stage]

Well, I got cut from the sketch. That’s real funny. But that happens for the best. [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to the camera] Well, usually not the best. But the good news is, this week is also the SNL winter carnival [Cut to clips from carnival] where we play carnival games and can potentially win a spot on the show. So, this might be my last chance.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney receiving a cotton candy in the carnival]

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant is playing a game to hit balloon with bullseye needles. Beck Bennett is watching Aidy Bryant]

Beck Bennett: Hah! Maybe try hitting one.

[Aidy Bryant hits Beck Bennett with the bullseye needle. Beck Bennett is hurt.]

Aidy Bryant: Bitch!

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: The winter carnival is always dope. There’s games and cotton candy. And I always get to punch some weird ass juggler.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking in the carnival]

Adam Zekeman: Wow. Those are some of the most colorful balloons I’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Test your strength and maybe you could win a part on the show. [Adam walks to Alex Moffatt to try winning the part] Oh, the Zekeman.

[Everyone is looking at Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: Well. Here goes nothing. [Adam Zekeman wins the game]

Wow!

[Everyone is cheering for Adam Zekeman]

Original Weekend Update character. It’s my time to shine, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Nice work, Zekeman.

[Cut to set of Weekend Update. Adam Zekeman is there as Stoned Cowboy with Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, the Stoned Cowboy. I think you might be a little too stoned.

Adam Zekeman: No way, amigo. [Cut to Adam Zekeman] My eyes are just red from all the, um, trail dust.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking out of the stage door. Everyone is cheering and clapping for Adam Zekeman]

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat walks to Adam Zekeman]

Kyle Mooney: It’s over Adam. I know you switched the malice.

[Idris Elba joins Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat]

Idris Elba: You dirty little rat. You stole my bid.

Adam Zekeman: I can explain.

Idris Elba: You’re going to jail, mate.

[Two policemen walk in and arrest Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: I was just trying to get on the show. Please. I’m sorry.

Kyle Mooney: You lying sack of [Bleep].

[Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera]

So, obviously we had to send Adam to jail and unfortunately he passed away few hours later. But the good news is, we got a new cast member. Ladies and gentleman, meet Coby Murphy.

[Coby Murphy joins]

Coby Murphy: [Coby Murphy acting weird] We think it’s going to be fun rest of the season. I don’t know.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, it’s good.

Toilet Death Ejector | Season 44 Episode 14

Narrator… John Mulaney

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two elderly couple talking]

Grandpa: Hal, [Cut to Grandpa] he passed away.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, no. That’s awful!

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’ll say. They found him on the toilet.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: That’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: Dying on the toilet. It’s every senior’s worst nightmare. You live a life of grace and honor only to pass in the most humiliating way imaginable, ass up on a bathroom floor, and loaded toilet rotting behind you. Thankfully there’s a solution that’s both elegant and dignified. [Cut to a toilet commode] The Toilet Death Ejector. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] When you are on the toilet and you feel yourself dying, simply press the red button. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed] Hydraulics beneath your seat will propel your dead body forward, hurl you gently through the air and deposit you neatly on your bed. The toilet will then automatically flush and release a puff of lavender scent. Finally, a smart book will fall from the ceiling onto your chest to imply wisdom. Choose from impressive title like the Bible, Henry David Thoreau’s ‘Walden’ or ‘Latest Gladwell.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: I don’t know. That sure seems awfully complicated.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: I’ll tell you what complicated. Explaining to the grandkids that nana died while taking a giant dumb. No matter what the cause of death is, they’re going to assume it was the size of the dump that killed her. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] So reclaim your dignity. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, mom, I– Oh, no. [Kyle looks at the book on her] She was so wise.

[Cut to an engineer fitting the Toilet Death Ejector]

Narrator: Our team of engineers guarantees that toilet death ejector is mostly accurate.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Oh, no! That’s a shame. At least he died peacefully in bed reading scripture.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, that’s nice.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Only thing was his pants were around his ankles. And there was [Bleep] everywhere.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: The toilet death ejector. Every time you hear that sound, [ejecting sound] an angel gets its wings.

Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule]

[Cut to Fresh Takes intro]

[Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch]

[Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”]

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves]

[The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”]

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]

Roach-Ex | Season 44 Episode 13

Bill… Mikey Day

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Roach Don… Don Cheadie

Roach Kyle… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of a house][Cut to a family sitting in living room, Bill, his wife and his son]

Narrator: We are Roach-Ex now. [Doorbell rings] There’s nothing worse than unexpected [Bill opens the door] house guests. [Roach Don and Roach Kyle are outside the door]

Roach Don: Home sweet home.

[Roaches get in comfortably]

Narrator: Especially roaches.

Roach Kyle: Nice place!

[Cut to Bill outside his toilet]

[Roach Kyle comes out]

Narrator: They always make their presence felt.

Roach Kyle: Give it a minute.

[Cut to dark room]

Narrator: And once roaches move in—

[Bill turns on the light. The Roaches are making mess at the dining table.]

Roach Don: Hey, knock it off with the light, huh?

Narrator: They make themselves right at home.

[Cut to Roach Don is between Bill and his wife watching TV]

Roach Don: Ha-ha! He won’t actually say anything.

[Cut to Roach Don puts his hand on Bill’s wife’s knee and Bill notices it]

Narrator: And before you know it, [Cut to Bill opens curtain to see Roach Don, his wife and his son getting along outside the house] they’re practically part of the family.

[Cut to Bill getting inside the house]

Because when it comes to roaches —

Bill: Hello?

Narrator: Let’s face it.

[Cut to Bill walking up stairs]

Bill:  Hun?

Narrator: What’s yours – is theirs. [Bill opens the bedroom door and finds his wife and Roach Don having sex]

[Cut to Bill meets Roach Don at the hall way]

Bill: You had sex with my wife.

Roach Don:  Somebody had to.

[Roach Don pats Bills shoulder and leaves]

[Cut to Bill’s wife in bed smoking a cigarette]

Bill: That’s not good.

[Cut to Roach Don, Bill’s wife and Bill’s son in TV room] [Bill walks in] Get out of my house!

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don: Oh, Bill, perfect timing. We’re running a little low on snacks, buddy.

[Bill takes out a Roach-Ex Plus spray]

[Cut to Bill’s wife]

Bill’s Wife: Bill? Bill, you’re drunk.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up!

[Cut to Roach Kyle. He sees the Roach-Ex Plus spray and hides away]

[Cut to Bill with his spray and a bottle of whiskey drinking]

Roach Don: Well, well, well. [Cut Roach Don walks to Bill] A big man’s got himself a can of Roach-Ex Plus. What are you going to do with it, Bill? Are you going to spray me?

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up.

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don:  Well, spray me, Bill. Go ahead, do it. [Bill’s hand is shivering] You know what, I’ll give you a little help. [Roach Don puts is head to the spray]

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: You’re crazy?

Roach Don: That’s right, I’m crazy, Bill. [Cut to Bill’s wife scared] Get me out of your house, you just got to push the nozzle. Do it.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I’ll do it.

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Do it, Bill. Spray me. Do it!

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I will!

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Ha-ha. You can’t do it, can you, Bill? You know why? Because you’re not a man. You’re nothing but  a—Ahh!

[Bill’s son sprayed the Roach-Ex Plus on Roach Don][Roach Don falls to the ground and starts to shiver, and slowly dies]

Bill’s Wife: No! No! No!

Narrator: So send roaches an eviction notice with Roach-Ex Plus roach killer. Roaches don’t stand a chance.

 

Extreme Baking Championship | Season 44 Episode 13

Show host… Alex Moffat

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Chantal… Leslie Jones

Jimmy…Don Cheadle

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Extreme Baking Championship intro]

Narrator: We not return to the Extreme Baking Championship on the food network.

[Cut to the show. The contestants are panicking.]

Show host: All right, bakers. I’m sorry to say this, [Cut to Show host] but time is up.

[Cut to Ralph and Sandy]

Ralph: My word!

[Cut to Jimmy and Chantal]

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Today’s extreme baking theme was cartoon confection and each of you had two hours to make cakes featuring beloved cartoon characters. Now it’s time to present your cakes to the judges. [Cut to Chantal, Show host and the judges] First up is home baker, Chantal.

Chantal: Hi, judges. I’m so excited.

Aidy Bryant: Hi, Chantal. Tell us what you made today, sweetie.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Well, my character was Olaf the Snowman from the movie ‘Frozen’. [Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept] My design uses a marshmallow structure to create a delicious 3D snow bank. Olaf is made from sponge cake and he skated on a frozen pond made of sponge sugar. [Cut to Chantal] Cold never bothered him anyway.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: It’s very ambitious. You did all that in two hours?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, ma’am. I did.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, let’s see it, Chantal.

[Cut to Chantal. She opens the cake box and her cake is terribly made.]

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow! Chantal, looks like you had some problems.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, I had some problems and I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: What went wrong?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I think my nerves got the best of me and also I’m bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, well let’s go ahead and taste your cake. [The judges taste the cake]

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Is it good?

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: No, it’s not. No.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I know. I did a bad job.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Thank you. All right. Now, next up is home baker and go-to-work dad, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Hey, judges. I want this so bad and I’m ready to compete.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: That’s great, Jimmy. Tell us what you did today.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, tickle me excited because my character was Tickle Me Elmo’s best friend, the Cookie Monster.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Weird way to get there, but okay. Okay.

[Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept]

Jimmy: I used vanilla sponge cake covered in blueberry royal icing and cookie’s about to hang ten on his brand new skateboard made of taffy. And is that a chocolate chip cookie road he is skating on? [Cut to Jimmy] The answer is, Frick, yes.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: Jimmy, that sounds incredible.

Aidy Bryant: Are you happy with how it turned out?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Yes, ma’am, I am.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: Well, let’s see it. Oh, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake box. Jimmy opens the box and the cake is terribly made.]

Jimmy: It’s bad. I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: What went wrong?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: You know, I think just me being here and everything I did while I was here.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: And you wrote the name Shawn on the cake. Who is Sean?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: I don’t know. I don’t know Sean. I don’t know why I wrote that.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Well, that’s too bad. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us what you made.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Hi, judges. My character was the undersea optimist, Spongebob. He came out so good. I’m just going to show you. [Sandy opens her cake box, and the cake looks great.] Okay. So, what do you think?

[Cut to Show host and the hosts]

Aidy Bryant: It’s fine.

Show host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? You are moving on?

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Afraid so, Sandy. Yeap. [Unknown voice says “Kill me!” The Show host looks around.] I’m sorry, hang on. Is that your cake, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake, his cake is speaking]

Jimmy’s Cake: I shouldn’t be— Kill me!

[Cut to judges]

Ego Nwodim: What’s going on there, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, ma’am—[Jimmy’s cake pukes] I believe that my cake is such an abomination that it has maybe come to life.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Please destroy me! I feel nothing but pain!

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Well, that’s disgusting, but also pretty creative.

[Cut to Sandy and Jimmy]

Sandy: I’m sorry, are you seriously saying that cake is better than my cake?

Jimmy’s Cake: Umm, bitch!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Sandy, I’m not judge so I can say this. You are coming off as crazy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake. It can’t stop puking.]

Jimmy’s Cake: Grr, cookies!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Now, moving on to Ralph. What cartoon character did you choose?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My cartoon was Yoda, the Pesky Elf.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: That’s not a cartoon character and not an Elf, but let’s see it.

[Cut to Ralph. Ralph opens his cake box.]

[Ralph’s cake is Yoda holding a green stick. His cake is fine.]

Ralph: Okay.

Beck Bennett: Okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] Interesting. And what’s that he’s holding?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s his famous penis, of course.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow, we have a tough decision to make.

[Cut to contestants]

Sandy: No, you do not.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Send me hell where I belong! [Jimmy’s cake pukes again]

Jimmy: Shut up. Shut up.

Show host: No! all right. [Cut to Show host] We’ll be back with the judges’ decision right after this.

Trump Press Conference Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 13

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

William Barr… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with press waiting for Donald Trump for his message]

Narrator: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking up to lectern]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. I’m here to declare a very urgent important national emergency. This is a big one so I don’t want to waste any time. That’s why first I would like to blow my own horn a little bit. I just had a great health exam. I’m still standing 6’7”, 185 pounds, shredded.

Also, we have another summit coming up in Hanoi with the North Korean leader, Chairman Kim, who by the way is very cool, misunderstood guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him next week. It is dinner for smugs as he calls.

Let’s cut to the chase folks. We need wall. Okay? We have tremendous amount of drugs flowing into this country from the southern border or the brown line as many people have asked me not to call it. That’s why we need wall. Because wall works. Wall makes safe. You don’t have to be smart to understand that, in fact it’s even easier to understand if you are not. You can see why I got to fake this national emergency run. I have to because I want to. It’s really simple.

We have a problem. Drugs are coming into this country through no wall. I asked President Xi if they had a drug problem in China. I’m not going to do the voice, but he said, “No, no, no. Me no like drugs. Me like death penalty.” It would have sounded better with the voice I think I must say. But imagine if we used the death penalty for nonviolent crimes here. You shot the [Hand gesturing as shooting guns] ‘bing-bing’ two in the back of the head. Just something to kick around.

I’m basically taking military money so I can have wall. I’m going to sign these papers for emergency and I will immediately be sued and it will not go in my favor and end up in the supreme court and call my buddy, Kavanaugh and I will say, “It’s under the pay of Donny”, and I’ll say “New phone, who dis?” And the Mueller report will be released, crumbling my house of cards and I can pled instantly and do a few months in the factory. And my personal hell of playing president will finally be over.

I should probably take a few soft ball questions right now. Who do we got here? Oh, NBC has their hand up, but they suck, so not them. ABC sucks too, but they have Agency Of Shield. We love the Shield though. So I guess I will start with you. Go ahead.

[Cut to press reporters. Cecily Strong is standing.]

Cecily Strong: Mr. President, do you feel like enough progress has been made in the talks with China to end the increase of tariffs by March 1st?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, you are asking the wrong guy. I friggin’ love tariffs. Not as much as wall, but I do love them. I know we will strike a big, big deal with China and no matter how awesome it is, it will be awesome. Chuck Schumer is going to say, and I will not do the voice, he will say something like “Oy Vay”. You know what? I’m going to do the voice. “Oy Vay, what do you mean, me suge that”. That’s just the kind of dirty, ugly, vicious  toilet bowl politics they wanted me to do. Yes you, where are you from?

[Cut to press reporters. Mikey Day is standing.]

Mikey Day: Playboy magazine.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sweet, sweet, sweet. Many nights in the Grot Oh, am I right?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. Numbers from your own border patrol say that illegal immigration is actually down.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, sit down. I don’t like that question. Sit down.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I didn’t ask my question yet.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, I just found out my campaign manager is going to die in prison, Okay? So, take it easy on me, will you?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m not going to sit until you answer m question.

Donald Trump: Sit down or I’m switching back to hustler. Look, before I take the question, I want to swerve way the heal out of my own way and point out that Attorney General William Barr, please stand up. [Cut to William Barr standing] Congratulations. This guy is going to do [Cut to Donald Trump] such a great job, but still he’s working for me, so I give him three months, tops. Dead man walking right there. [Cut to William Barr. He is scared] Next question. [Cut to Donald Trump]  Let’s do a girl one. You.

[Cut to press reporters. Heidi Gardner is standing.]

Heidi Gardner: Wow. Very cool In your remarks today, you said you were too new to politics earlier in your administration. Is that an admission that you are in fact just kind of winging it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Doll. I’m learning. Let’s not forget, technically this is my first real job, okay? I remember when Obama explained president to me in the oval office, and won’t do the voice because I lost a bunch of you with the Schumer Impersonation, but I thought Obama was joking. Had I known then what I know now, I would have told Putin to give the job to Hillary instead. Next question.

[Cut to press reporters. Kyle Mooney is standing.]

Kyle Mooney: Mr. President, Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, seriously man? How do you keep getting in this room. I would love to build a wall around Jim.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: There is numbers showing undocumented immigrants committing crimes at much lower numbers than native born Americans.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, Jim. Those numbers are faker than this emergency. Look folks, we need major immigration reform, translation, wall. Do you know that right now we have something called chain migration? It says any bad person or gangster or wisenheimer can come in this country with 27 or 47 or Barr, give me a number.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: 91?

Donald Trump: 91. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’m told as many as 91 of their family members. I’m talking ‘abuelas’ and ‘bebes’ unless you give me wall. Now iF that doesn’t scare the crap out of the old white people, I don’t know what will. Anyway, in conclusion, this is a total emergency. A five-alarm blaze, which means I need to go to Mar A Lago to play some golf. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.