Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update on Eli Manning Being Benched

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Eli Manning at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in 13 years. So, if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an office at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.

[Picture changes to three men]

Oh, and I almost forgot about this week’s bachelor predators. It’s just a whole segment of the news now. I just gotta announce the names every week like power ball numbers.

[Picture changes to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree]

On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit, and so was Ann Curry. [Picture changes to Ann Curry and Matt Lauer]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Matt Lauer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the secret Santa gift I got for Colin. [Picture changes to a wrapped gift, but we can see it’s a dildo.] It’s double sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jay Z and Beyoncé at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay, don’t! Don’t you pull both sides. Okay. In a new interview, Jay Z admitted that he cheated on Beyoncé. Yeah, man. We know. [Picture changes to a shot from Beyoncé’s music video ‘Lemonade’.]

[Picture changes to statue of Robert E Lee]

A historian at Virginia believes that confederate statue of Robert E Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extremely rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. [Picture changes to a movie poster] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know. I never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Afterglow’ poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A special performance of the off broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, “Maybe not right now?”

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?

Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why wouldn’t they like you? Everyone there is so nice.

Pete Davidson: Of course, you say that. You’re like the most popular person from there. This is how they write about Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Colin Jost tees up. It’s about three weeks ’til election, but you could never tell by Colin Jost’s swing.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And here is how they write about me. This is a review of a Weekend Update appearance I did. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “The best part about this one was his interaction with Colin Jost.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] No, seriously, it’s crazy. And look at the picture they use of you. [Cut to a picture of Colin Jost in a golf coarse.] Now look at the picture they use of me. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson drinking beer in a messy room.]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Well, why do you think they don’t like you, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I have no idea. I mean, if I had to guess, it’s maybe something I said in an interview once, that I wished that when Hurricane Sandy hits Staten Island, it had ‘finished the job.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. I remember that one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: You know, maybe I did cross the line. But when a reporter from Staten Island wrote about it in the post, here’s what he said, [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Keep talking like that and you will be sleeping with the fishes.” [Cut to Pete Davidson] That’s a death threat. In a newspaper! Who does that? What are you? The zodiac? And then he said … [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Try taking a cue from your fellow ‘SNL’ cast member Colin Jost. He’s also way better looking than you.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I can see how what you said might make you more unpopular.

Pete Davidson: Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know, like, when you are joking but you mean it? [Cut to Pete Davidson] But I don’t even feel that way anymore. I would be just as happy if there was no hurricane and Staten Island just fell into the sea.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. [Colin Jost and Pete Davidson laughing] Take it easy.

Pete Davidson: No, seriously though. [Cut to Pete Davidson] No, if Staten Island– [Michael Che laughing hard] If Staten Island is so desirable, then why is it free to get there? And, no, don’t get me wrong. I know Staten Island isn’t all heroin and racist cops. You know? It also has meth and racist firefighters.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: I just want to say, what you’re describing is not the Staten Island I know, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, coz they love you. You know? Like, you represent what they could be. You know, a kid who got out, he went to Harvard and is now apparently according to ‘People Magazine’ is the world’s sexiest joke writer. [Cut to People Magazine’s Colin Jost page.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And look, the reason that Staten Island hates me is because I represent what they are. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know. A mentally ill community college dropout who got a ‘Game of Thrones’ tattoo before watching the show. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing hard.] Dire-wolves look dope! I don’t even know what’s going on. But hey, congrats on that sexiest thing by the way. [audience whooping] [to audience] Relax, okay? Let’s be honest, the sexiest joke writer is a really specific category. Yeah. It’s like being the world’s smartest horse. [Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: So, I take you’re not going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No, I am.

[Everyone laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: What did I say?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Weekend Update- Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week attorney general Jeff Sessions testified before house judiciary committee over Trump campaign’s contact with Russia. Here to comment is Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Hot potato! Good to see you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to see you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: When I say ‘I do not”, you say ‘Recall’. I do not–

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: I do not.

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: Ha! Thank you.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Jeff Sessions: Now, that’s a recall and response, Colin. My catch phrase.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. I noticed you said that a lot during testimony. Do you really not remember meeting with George Papadopoulos about Russia?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, Colin, I’ve actually had some memory problems stemming from a childhood trauma.

Colin Jost: A childhood trauma? What was that?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, the passing of the civil rights act.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. I’m gonna ask you some questions now, attorney general Sessions. I’m asking questions. Do you think you can answer then truthfully?

Jeff Sessions: Yeb.

Colin Jost: Did you just say yeb?

Jeff Sessions: Nobe.

Colin Jost: Did you meet any Trump surrogates with Russia?

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall. [whispering] You know I recall.

Colin Jost: Do you remember Mr. Papadopoulos mentioning the Russian government?

Jeff Sessions: Um, I do not remember him talking about Russia. [whispering] I remember everything.

Colin Jost: And you’re under pressure from president Trump to investigate the Clinton foundation. Do you think you’ll investigate.

Jeff Sessions: Well, actually, I do not believe that there is enough evidence at this time. [whispering] We’re definitely gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Okay. At some point, you actually have to stop lying because you are under oath. You know? I mean, you could go to jail. [Jeff Sessions stops moving] Mr. Sessions? Mr. Sessions, are you playing dead?

[Jeff Sessions has a tail. His tail is carrying a board that says “Yes”.]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, tail. That’s my possum tail. You ratted me out again. Get down, tail! He’s crazy but he’s family.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, with all this going on, I’m sure you are looking forward to thanksgiving?

Jeff Sessions: Absolutely, my cousin Linda from the possum side of the family just had a litter of nine babies. They are so cute. Oh, man, you could just eat them up. And we’re gonna et at least four of them. We go overboard on the holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you very much for coming by, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Well, thank you for having me so much. And in collusion, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

Colin Jost: Jeff sessions, everyone.

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall!

Weekend Update on Senator Al Franken

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of thanksgiving turkey at left top corner.]

Thursday is thanksgiving and there is so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you are a human woman. [Picture changes to Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Louis C. K, Al Franken and Roy Moore]

[Picture changes to Al Franken and Leeann Tweeden when she was a kid.]

Senator Al Franken is being accused  of sexual misconduct on a 2006 USO tour by Leeann Tweeden who posted this photo of Franken apparently groping her breasts while she was asleep. Now, I looked this photo. I know this photo looks bad. But remember, it also is bad. And sure, this was taken before Franken ran for public office, but it was also taken after he was a sophomore in high school. It’s pretty hard to be like, “Oh, come on. He didn’t know any better. He was only 55.

[Picture changes to Tweeden]

Tweened is also claiming that Franken has forced her to kiss him as a part of a rehearsal for a comedy sketch they were performing for the troops. Come on, man. Didn’t the troops in Afghanistan have it hard enough without having to sit through sketch comedy? I mean, people can barely stay up to watch sketches after Weekend Update.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And without even looking, you can bet that president Trump called out Franken and not Roy Moore who is accused of way worse by the way. But Franken is a liberal and Trump in more conservatives. And in this country, everybody has to pick a side except for me. I think they are all bitches. I don’t even know what side I would be on if I had to pick. I mean, maybe I’m a liberal because I live in a gay neighborhood. But then, maybe I’m conservative, because I’ll never want to live in a black neighborhood again. Also, why are republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It’s not like he wrote the remix to Ignition. [Picture changes to R. Kelly]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeremy Piven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed int hte shocking documentary “Entourage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of House of Republicans at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, house of republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from multibillionaires all the way down to regular old millionaires. Like, Colin. The bill relies heavily on trickle down economics, but don’t worry, it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting catfished into voting republicans? It’s like watching Forest Gump keep getting ditched by Jenny over and over again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Paul Ryan also said the tax plan will increase take-home pay, grow the economy and sustain long-term opportunities. Increase, grow and sustain. Where have I seen those words before? Oh, I know, on those sex pills at the Deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the Deli and now I have to wear fake eyebrows.

Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: The association of the British Scrabble players has banned a star player for three years after he was caught cheating. In response, the player has released this statement.

[Picture changes to a scrabble board game with ‘Fuck You’ written on it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a man’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Arizona is claiming that he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating. He first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Harry Potter’ logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The makers of Pokemon Go are now developing a similar game based on the world of Harry Potter. The game will be called “Harry Potter and the Kids Who Wandered Into Oncoming Traffic.”

Weekend Update Dog Clone

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a dog at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for $50,000. That story again, for $50,000, a company in Texas will sell you a different golden Retriever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Goodell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of $50 million, use of a private jet, and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is. He is going to make $50 million a year and he’s still like, “What about the healthcare, though?”

[Picture changes to a man with very long mustache]

A man in India has set a new world record for longest mustache, growing it out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.

[Picture changes to Prince Willian and Prince Harry]

It was reported that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new Star Wars movie as storm troopers. Even more surprising, the whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C3-PO.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Thanksgiving is next week and here with his unique take on the holiday is veteran stand-up comic. You know, he helped me out a lot when I first started. Please welcome, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bruce Chandling: Oh, hey, hey!

Michael Che: How are you?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, Michael. Good to be here. [delivering bad punch line] Now, where is the food, dude?

Michael Che: Um, Bruce, as you know, thanksgiving isn’t until next Thursday.

Bruce Chandling: No, I know. I’m just– I’m very hungry. We gotta love thanksgiving, right? I love the story of thanksgiving. Pilgrims come to America. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] They are on this big boat. But it’s not an easy journey. They gotta deal with the cold weather, cramped quarters, people getting sick, and worst of all, [delivering bad punch line] bad satellite reception when they are trying to watch the big game.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, you think that pilgrims had TV but with bad reception?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly. The star of the show is the big meal, right? Coz I’m the corn on the cob guy. You heard about this? [Michael Che shakes his head no] [Cut to Bruce Chandling]You’ve seen this? You know, I can’t get enough of the stuff. But the Indians, they don’t call it corn. They call it maize. [delivering bad punch line] As in, maize i have a second helping?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, Bruce, man, I don’t like that one at all.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, what’s the matter, Michael? [delivering bad punch line] Too corny?

Michael Che: Hey, please stop.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, just 45 minutes left. By the way, you know, thanks for helping out a fellow comic. It really means a lot to me.

Michael Che: I think we’re pretty different, actually.

Bruce Chandling: No. Of course, the day after thanksgiving, they got Black Friday. Heard about this one? Seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah, I’ve hear of it.

Bruce Chandling: It’s where you got all the deals at the mini mall.

Michael Che: Mini mall?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay, the Mini mall. Personally, I think they should change the name from Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday. [delivering bad punch line] Because that’s how you are going to look if you get between me and the hottest toy.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce, you’re not actually fighting people for toys, are you?

Bruce Chandling: Don’t worry, Michael. I ain’t. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] [being emotional] I mean, even if I got the toy, I wouldn’t have anyone special to give it to. I always wanted to have a little Bruce, you know? But I can’t. Because my body don’t work that way.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry about that, Bruce.

Bruce Chandling: IT’s probably for the best.

Michael Che: Don’t say that.

Bruce Chandling: I wouldn’t even be able to take care of him. I can’t get a job. Don’t even know how to write cursive.

Michael Che: I don’t think you need to know cursive to get a job.

Bruce Chandling: The problem is, I don’t know non-cursive either.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah, Bruce, seems like you’re having a rough time. You know what? Why don’t you come over and celebrate thanksgiving with me and my family. How about that?

Bruce Chandling: Hmm. I guess. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know what they say…

Michael Che: Oh, dude!

Bruce Chandling: [delivering bad punch line] Where’s the food, dude?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That was the worst one yet. Bruce Chandling, everybody.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, still got 42 minutes left.

Michael Che: No. You’re done.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think he’s getting better.

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball

Michael Che

Lavar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is two weeks in and the Los Angeles Lakers are off to a good, but not a great start, led by rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to give his take is Lonzo’s outspoken father, Lavar Ball.

[Lavar Ball slides in]

Lavar Ball: Whoo! [Colin Jost laughing] How you doing, Michael? I told you it would happen. The Lakers are the best team ever. Never lost.

Michael Che: They’re not the best team ever. They are only like 5 and 7. And you already promised that Lonzo would be bigger than Kobe Bryant?

Lavar Ball: You damn right.

Michael Che: Lonzo is averaging just over eight points a game. I mean that’s not bad, but that’s not up to the level of Kobe Bryant.

Lavar Ball: Man, don’t talk to me about no Kobe Bryant. [Cut to Lavar Ball] My offspring is going to rule the world. Just look at me. I’m a giant. Full head of hair. 12 fingers. I can pull a tractor trailer 20 miles over a mounting using using only my junk! And I’m the only man on earth who has ever eaten just one lays potato chip.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: So, I’m assuming you still think Lonzo is going to win MVP?

Lavar Ball: Oh, man, he is going to win more than that. [Cut to Michael Che] He’s going to win the dunk contest, the three-point shooting contest, every single power ball jackpot and he will be named America’s next top model, all while wearing the signature ZO twos.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Oh, I forgot that Lonzo already has his own sneaker that cost $500. How are those selling, by the way?

Lavar Ball: None of your business. Right now, I’m focused on my TV show ‘Ball and the Family.’

Michael Che: Oh, yeah. Is that the show that airs on Facebook?

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right it’s on Facebook. [Cut to Lavar Ball] Coz it’s the biggest show in the world. A million likes. A half million surprising faces. It’s the only show you can watch while you look at you friend’s kids halloween costumes. The whole ball family is on there. Lonzo, Liangelo, La Mellow, and my long lost Mexican son, Letaco.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: You know, I saw Liangelo got into a little trouble this week when he was caught shoplifting in China.

Lavar Ball: What? Come on! [Cut to Lavar Ball] Why my boy need to do shoplifting for when he’s just about to put out his own million dollar sneaker? Introducing Liangelo’s Legeno 20s.

[Lavar Ball pulls out a pair of sneakers to show] Each one cost $700,000. That’s right. Each sneaker. You can only buy one of them at a time. Never a pair. [shouting at Michael Che’s ear] Never a pair!

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Why are they so expensive?

Lavar Ball: Coz each Legeno 12 comes fully loaded with power laces, [cut to Lavar Ball] a Bose 24 sound system, and the world’s finest chicken rotisserie cooker.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: A rotisserie cooker?

Lavar Ball: Chicken rotisserie.

Michael Che: I also heard that you pulled La Mellow out of school and you are home schooling him now?

Lavar Ball: Oh, that’s right. And the results are amazing. [Cut to Lavar Ball] I worked with the boy only two hours and he opened his own successful business. A French restaurant called La Mellow’s La Magnificent. Michelin 10-star rated. And the best rotisserie chicken cooked to perfection by the new Ligelo 20s. [Michael Che laughing]

[microwave bell sound]

Oh, it’s ready, Michael. [Lavar Ball pulls out a chicken drum stick out of the shoes and gives it to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Lavar Ball:  There you go.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Lavar Ball: That’s for you. That will be $750,000, please.

Michael Che: Lamar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Claire from HR

Colin Jost

Claire… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With this unending parade of sexual abuse allegations from actors, producers and politicians, they’ve all come to light recently. Here with her annual sexual harassment guidelines seminar is Claire from HR.

[Claire slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, Claire. Is that a receipt on your neck?

Claire: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just grabbing lunch.

Colin Jost: At CBS?

Claire: Yeah. it’s been a crazy week.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Claire: They want these today and I haven’t been home in three days. So…

Colin Jost: Oh my god.

Claire: You guys do probably wanna get going to the show. So, I’m just– we’ll just do our little HR quiz. Just make sure we’re all on the same page. Sorry. Okay. We’ll start. Okay. [Cut to Claire] First question is just about office romance. It’s not a big deal. We know it happens. Right? So, what is the appropriate way to handle a workplace relationship? A, inform someone at HR. B, lock her in a room and make her look at it. Or, C, bully her out of the entire industry.

[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m gonna say A.

Claire: Yes! Oh, good. You got it. You would be surprised how many people get that wrong. It could make you lose your damn mind. Ah! Okay. Here we go. Alright. [Cut to Claire] Oh, so this next question is about consent, actually. Oh, and we have a visual for this one. [Claire shows a photo of a woman. She is wearing a suit.] So, you run into your coworker at the office. Now, is she, A, giving you a seductive look that says, “Hey, come get this.” B, she said ‘no’ before in the past but that little skirt is saying, “Yes, yes, me horny.” Or, C, she is living her live and it has nothing to do with you. [Cut to Claire and Colin Jost] And the answer is?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna say C.

Claire: Yes, leave her alone!

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m sorry, are you mad at me?

Claire: Yeah, I think I am actually. It’s hard to explain. [Cut to Claire] Okay. Um, this is a new one that we need to do now. It’s kind of fun. Okay, ready? When is it okay for an adult to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old? A, when she’s 14 but she’s smoking a cigarette. B, 14, but it’s Alabama. C, 14, but you are gay now, so hooray, how brave. Or D, 14–

[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t have to keep going. I’m pretty sure the answer is never.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah. Well, if it’s such an easy question, why does it have to be on the quiz?

[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth]

Colin Jost: Wait! Are you drinking Purel?

Claire: Yeah, yeah. I find that it cleanses me. It gives me a nice buzz to do this. Oh, this is fun. Next one is a prop. You’ll like this. [Claire pulls out a stuffed man doll wearing suit.] So this is you.

Colin Jost: That’s me?

Claire: Well, it’s obvious. When talking to a coworker in the office where should you keep your penis?

Colin Jost: Excuse me?

Claire: Just point on the doll where your penis should be. Remember, there are no wrong answers. Just super wrong answers.

Colin Jost: Okay. I would say just keep it in your pants.

Claire: Yes. Exactly. A penis never needs to be out of your pants at work.

Colin Jost: Is that question really on the quiz? Does that help?

Claire: Yeah, Colin, because come people need it. But not you. You passed.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s so great.

Claire: Yeah, yeah. But I’m sure I’ll be back next week and the week after that, forever and ever, because this isn’t just a scandal. It didn’t just start this week. It’s actually reality for half of the population.

[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth again]

Colin Jost: Okay. Claire from HR, everybody.

[Claire looks at her phone]

Claire: George, the Takai, no!