Tag: Mikey Day

Blood Oath

Vactor… Mikey Day

Lira… Brendan Gleeson

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. at 10, it’s “Bathing a beast: Hitler’s hygiene.” But first its ancient empires. Europe 500 BC, two tribes and a century long feud and forged alliances to protect their lands from invasion.

Vactor: For years to Voondi and the Thracian tribes have been at war. But now we, must put aside our differences and face a common enemy, the Golfen Horde.

Lira: Though it stings my tongue to say it, you’re right, Lord Vactor.

Kenan: Oh, so the Thracian Army will fight by our side?

Lira: We shall.

Vactor: Then let her seal this alliance in a blood oath as my people have done over thousand years. [Vactor cuts his palm with a knife and hands it to Lira. Lira also cuts his palm with the knife] To victory.

Lira: Victory. It was a sharp knife.

Vactor: May the gods smile on this union and bring up people’s strength.

[Lira is making painful face]

Lira: I just cut myself good there, huh?

Vactor: What news from our scouts?

Kenan: The Golfens will be at our border in two moons time.

Chloe: Then we must act with haste. General Lira How many men do you have in your ranks?

Lira: Oh, lots. Thousands. Sorry. I’m still bleeding from that blood oath. Is your palm still bleeding?

Vactor: No. Blood oath requires but a scratch.

Lira: A scratch? Okay, so you went super light? Ah! I didn’t know that. My tribe doesn’t do blood oath. So I basically cut into my hand like I was cutting into steak.

Chloe: That was unwise of you.

Lira: I know. Like I said, I’ve never done a blood oath before. But it’s fine, I’ll deal with it.

Kenan: Okay, so your cut will not be the focus anymore? We’re finished with your cut?

Lira: First, I don’t love the attitude. And second, it’s not a cut. It’s a gash. But I’m done with it. So proceed.

Chloe: The Golfen Horde will surely cross the river here. [showing at a large map] This is where we make our stand.

Vactor: Yes, and I can deploy my archers along this narrow pass.

Lira: And my horsemen shall strike along this ridge.

[Lira is spilling blood all over the map while pointing at it. Then he spills blood all over Vactor and Chloe.]

Vactor: Oh my god.

Chloe: Oh! Oh my god.

Vactor: What the hell!

Lira: I didn’t know it was going to do that.

Kenan: Oh man. Look at my mouth! What you did to my mouth!

Lira: Oh, I’m sorry. It spurs out when I straighten my fingers like this.

Vactor: Then close your hand.

Lira: But I was just showing you what’s going on with this?

Kenan: We are aware. So just keep your hand closed man. My map! My map!

Lira: I already said sorry about the map.

Vactor: Alright. How bad did cut yourself?

Lira: i don’t know. I’m afraid to look. You look. [Lira opens the palm in front of Vactor’s face. The blood is spilled all over his face.] isn’t bad?

Kenan: Oh, yes. I saw a ligament. Ligament. Why would you slice your hands so deep?

Lira: I told you, we don’t do blood oaths in my tribe. We drown a dove and throw it in the fire.

Kenan: Okay, random.

Lira: I’m sorry, I ruined your whole meeting. Map guy hates me, girl thinks I’m a loser. Such a flop.

Chloe: Perfect. Surely we will lose now. This man can’t possibly fight.

Lira: Oh, soldier tongue. I still have plenty of fights in me. And I have a plan. As we can all see, night has fallen. And it has grown extremely dark.

Vactor: No it hasn’t.

Kenan: It’s the blood loss, man. The blood loss. [horns blowing] Golfen battle horns.

Vactor: The hour has come to victory!

All: To Victory!

Lira: Alright, let’s do this [opens his palm for high-five]

Kenan: Stop.

Send Something Normal

Halen Hardy… Miles Teller

Adam Levine… Mikey Day

Armie Hammer… James Austin Johnson

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with people in game show set]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s easiest game show “Send Something Normal”.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Halen Hardy]

Halen Hardy: All right, America. Welcome to send something normal. I’m your host Halen Hardy. For those of you that don’t know, the game is very simple. We have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman’s DM on Instagram in a way that is normal. And fellows, if you send a normal DM, you win $100 million. Again, the game is send a woman a normal DM and you win $100 million. Now, let’s meet our first contestant Adam Levine. Now we all know why you’re here, Adam.

Adam Levine: I was bad.

Halen Hardy: Yes, you were Adam. Next up coming to us all the way from his involuntary career change, Armie Hammer.

Armie Hammer: Yes. Yeah, hi. Can I get a big welcome back to Hollywood round of applause?

Halen Hardy: No, you may not. And next up, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well. Thank you for having me. What a pleasure. Why am I here?

Halen Hardy: Well, Neil, you haven’t had a DM scandal yet, but hey, you never know.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh, please. In my circles, DM stands for divalent magnesium. [laughs alone] But I do suppose in our infinite alternative realities, anything’s possible.

Halen Hardy: And our final contestant, it’s SNL cast member, Bowen Yang.
Bowen Yang: Hello.

Halen Hardy: Now, Bowen is our returning champion. Last week, he racked up over $1.4 billion. Bowen, what do you attribute your success to?

Bowen Yang: Oh, being gay.

Halen Hardy: Makes sense to me. All right, Adam Levine. How are you going to respond to this woman’s DM? “Hey, Adam. Huge fan. Love your music.”

Adam Levine: Umm. Okay, tough call. Can I see her most liked vacation photo?

Halen Hardy: Seems like that couldn’t possibly help but sure. Gotta say Adam, don’t love that hand lotion.

Adam Levine: Okay, okay, I have my answer.

Halen Hardy: All right.

Adam Levine: All right. Gonna kick things off with a “Hoooly moly!”

Halen Hardy: Are you sure?

Adam Levine: Yeah. But I got three more though. “Hoooooly moooly”. “Holy crap”. “Your body is making my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Sorry, Adam. You almost had it there.

Adam Levine: Oh, okay. I did?

Halen Hardy: No. Armie Hammer, it’s your turn to respond. Your messages. “Hey, Armie, hope you’re doing okay.”

Armie Hammer: All right, look, I know there’s been a lot of talk about me in the press. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’ve changed. So I have my message.

Halen Hardy: What’s it going to be?

Armie Hammer: I want to break open your bones and suck out the marrow.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: All right. Let’s go to Neil. Your messages is “Hey, Neil. I love your podcast.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh my goodness. What a kind message. What a nice woman, deserves a well researched response. Please show me her most likes vacation photo.

Halen Hardy: You too Neil? Alright.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Um-hmm. Um-hmm. Okay. Alright, calculating.

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, let me help you out here. You will win if you just say thank you.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I have an alternate response. “Salutations. Perhaps if the stars do align, you would like to come over and peer into my telescope, metaphorically speaking.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, are you asking that woman to look into your penis?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: [smiles] I suppose I was. Is that not normal?

Halen Hardy: No, no. All right, next up is Bowen Yang. Bowen, got a good feeling you’re gonna win this round.

Bowen Yang: Me too.

Halen Hardy: Your message is “Hey, Bo, I’m a huge fan. I would love to be your friend.”

Bowen Yang: Oh that’s so nice. Well this will be easy I’ll just say…

Halen Hardy: Just before you start, the message is from Dua Lipa.

Bowen Yang: Oh, no.

Halen Hardy: Got a response, Bowen?

Bowen Yang: “Hooooly mooly!” “Hoooly crap!” “Your music makes my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Bowen, come on, man. Horrible. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break. But when we come back, we’ll see if any of these guys can just say nothing at all.

Adam Levine: I’ll give you a hint. I’m gonna say I might need to see that booty!

Rooftop Bar

Miles Teller

Mikey day

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Tyler and Chodecork in a rooftop bar]

Tyler: Hell yeah, cloud bars hopping tonight.

Chodecork: Hell yeah. it’s gonna be a good night, dude.

Tyler: Damn right. Deserve it. I crushed work today.

Chodecork: Yes.

Tyler: God damn, I love day trading bro. I live for it.

Chodecork: Heard dude, I stand day trading bro.

Tyler: Yo, not gonna lie, girls in here tonight, decent. Lot of talent in the room this eve. Going to get my flirt on them, I squirt on, you feel me?

Chodecork: Yes, dude. Yo, lately I’ve been into like flat ass, flat chest, tiny teeth.

Tyler: Okay, yeah, not as much into the tiny teeth thing as much, but you know, I’m just looking for a cutie to make a mess with, you know? Yo, honey alert. Let’s close these two finies.

Chodecork: Oh, hell yeah. Charm never did no harm.

[Chloe and Ego walk in. They just sit beside Tyler and Chodecork. But now, Tyler and Chodecork aren’t able to speak a word.]

Chodecork: Getting drunk?

Chloe: Sorry?

Chodecork: [speaking weirdly] You guys getting drinks?

Chloe: Oh, drinks. Yeah.

Chodecork: Cool. Cool. [in ridiculous voice] Alcohol! [pokes her twice] Boop, boop. Sorry. Yeah, I love alcohol.

Tyler: [to Ego] I work in Finance.

Ego: Okay, cool. Excuse me, bartender.

5: Yeah, what do you need sweetie?

Ego: I can I get a Stella?

Tyler: Stella! Ha-ha.

Chloe: And can I get a vodka cran?

Chodecork: Ooh, cranberry. Oh-oh. UTI?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Chodecork: I don’t know. That was weird. [singing] Why am I talking like this? Put these fair maids drinks on mine tab, good miss.

Ego: You don’t have to do that.

Chodecork: Yes. With your finest top shelf liquor.

5: Okay, top shelf has a $90 up charge. That okay?

Chodecork: [high pitched voice] Oh, why so much? [deep voice] Why so serious? Batman. No, we chilling. Um, how much is the liquor three shelves down from the top?

5: All right. Let’s just do Stella. You gotta a tab?

Chodecork: Yeah, name is Nick Chodecork.

5: You got to speak up, hun.

Chodecork: Nick Chodecork. It’s a VMA debit.

5: Okay, Chodecork? Got it.

Tyler: So you guys are friends?

Chloe and Ego: Yeah.

Tyler: Black and white? Hell yeah. I’ll clap for that.

Chodecork: Yeah. So, let’s chat. Did you guys buy your clothes at a store or online?

Chloe: Store.

Ego: Store as well.

Tyler: We all like stores. Yeah.

Ego: I mean, it depends on which one. Is she almost back with the drinks?

Tyler: Depends on which one. Okay, very cool. You like some stores, you like other stores? You’re like, I don’t know. I don’t know. Might not go in there.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe: I mean, yeah.

Tyler: Yeah, that’s interesting. Very, very cool. Stores, yeah. Whoo!

5: Chodecork, your card was declined.

Chodecork: Please run it again.

Tyler: What are y’all streaming? Y’all watch Stranger Things?

Ego: If you’re asking if I watch Stranger Things, then yes, I do.

Tyler: Yes. I’m running on back gear. [singing]

Chodecork: [pointing at Chloe’s breasts] Boobies. I’m sorry. [singing] Why did I do that?

Tyler: I work in Finance.

Ego: Yeah. You said that?

Tyler: Ha-ha-ha-ha. You guys would like come over to our apartment?

Ego: Wait, you’re roommates? You guys are like, 40.

Tyler: Yeah. Good one.

Chloe: Let’s just got to the patio bar. Nice talking.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe and Ego: Bye.

Chodecork: Yeah. [Chloe and Ego leave] Yo, how did that happen, bro? Your game was on point.

Tyler: I know dude, right? Like I’m in a mad dry spell right now. No joke. It’s been 11 years since I did it. But like on purpose, you know?

Chodecork: Yeah. I mean, I’ve never done it. So I mean, I guess the last time was like, I’ve been waiting my whole life I guess. I don’t know. Should I just like give up?

Tyler: No. Let’s do a lap.

Chodecork: Yeah, most that.

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli]

[cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Grimace

Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman

Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day

Hamburglar… Bowen Yang

Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson

Grimace… Miles Teller

[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]

Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.

Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?

Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.

[all laughing]

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?

Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]

Ronald McDonald: What the—?

Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—

Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—

Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.

Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—

Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.

Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.

Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.

Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?

Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.

Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?

Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.

Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?

Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.

Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?

All: Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: And action.

[music playing]

Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.

Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.

Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.

Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.

Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.

Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?

Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.

Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.

Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Grimace: Happy? Yeah.

Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.

Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.

Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.

Grimace:  Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.

Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.

Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.

Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.

Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.

Grimace: Hell, yeah.

Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.

Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?

Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.

[cut to McDonald’s outro]

Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.

BeReal

Miles Teller

Mikey Day

[Starts with people doing their work in the bank.]

Ego: Hey, how are you today?

Male voice: I’m well.

Female voice: Perfect. You had it waiting for me.

[Miles and Mikey walk in. They look at each other, then pull out their handguns]

Miles: Everybody on the ground. [people start panicking]

Mikey: [walking towards teller] You, we need everything from the vault in the bag.

Miles: We always say no one else to get hurt.

Bowen: Oh my god.

[Heidi is trying to open the vault]

Mikey: Open the vault lady.

Heidi: I am going as fast as I can.

Mikey: Well, pick it up.

[The vault opens. Heidi gets inside the vault. Then there’s a phone beeping.]

Miles: What was that?

Bowen: I’m sorry, I’m not calling the police, I swear.

Miles: Slide it over now or we kill you.

Bowen: I want you but I can’t. Because it’s-

Mikey: What is it?

Bowen: It’s time to be real.

Miles: Time to be what?

Bowen: Time to be real.

Ego: Wait, it is?

Andrew: I just got the notification, it’s time to be real.

Mikey: Okay, everybody shut up.

Miles: Yeah. Or tell us what being real is.

Bowen: It’s amazing. It’s this app that blew up over the summer. It’s the only honest social media.

Miles: You think I’m an idiot? Honest social media doesn’t exist.

Bowen: You’re so cynical. I was too. But with Be Real, you can only post once a day when the app sends out a notification.

Ego: So everyone post a pic at the same time no matter where they are, or what they’re doing.

Miles: Oh, so there’s no postures.

Mikey: Stop engaging.

Miles: It’s not status oriented and that’s why it’s called Be  Real.

Bowen: Yes, sir. You’re getting it.

[Mikey shoots on the ceiling]

Mikey: Everybody needs to shut— [people start taking pictures of them being robbed] What are you guys doing?

Bowen: We all have two minutes to post. Quick, quick, pose, pose.

[Miles poses for the photo]

Miles: Wait, wait, wait. So is it a picture of you or me?

Bowen: That’s the other thing. It takes a front and back facing photo at the same time.

Miles: No, what? That is crazy.

Mikey: Do you guys like all work for Be Rea or something?

Andrew: No, we’re just so aligned with the mission of the platform.

Mikey: Okay. [Sarah is trying to move around] You don’t even think about it.

Ego: Where the hell is security? [The security are also taking pictures for the app] Come on, download it. You don’t want to post late.

Miles: What happens if we post late?

Andrew: It tells people.

Miles: No.

All: So then everyone knows that you being real wasn’t being real.

Miles: Okay. I downloaded it.

Mikey: Dude!

Miles: And I’m gonna be real…

Mikey: No!

Miles: About exactly what I’m doing.

Mikey: Don’t post this on social media.

Miles: No. [inspirational music playing on background] No more curation. I don’t care who knows what I’m doing right now. I’m gonna be real.

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to pictures of Miles and Mikey in jail]

Male voice: Download Be Real today. Before a couple of months before it stops being fun.

Final Encounter Cold Open

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Natasha Lyonne

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]

Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.

Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.

Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?

Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.

Morris: Oh, really.

Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?

Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”

Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?

Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.

Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.

Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?

Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?

Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.

Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.

Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”

Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?

Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?

Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?

Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.

Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?

Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.

Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.

Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?

Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.

Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.

Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]

Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

50s Baseball Broadcast

Lyle O’ Riley… Mikey Day

Diz Newsome… Sarah Sherman

Walt… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with commentators in Yankee Stadium, 1951. The video is black and white.]

Lyle O’ Riley: No score as we head into the bottom of the 3rd Yankees White Sox. Lyle O’ Riley for WNYC radio alongside Hall of Famer Diz Newsome.

Diz Newsome: Gorgeous day for all ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: It is. Before we get back to the action on the field, let’s go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?

Walt: WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Shmack Men’s department store. Hey, where’d you get that Blaine brown suit and plain brown hat? Why? Shmack Men’s of course. Now back to the ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you. Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning.

Diz Newsome: Oh, yeah. Stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called methamphetamine. Yeah. It just knocked my cold right out.

Lyle O’ Riley: Well, glad you’re feeling better.

Diz Newsome: Oh, I’m excited. I’m feeling chatty. Like I could talk about everything forever.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right, well, this methamphetamine medicine did the trick. And Gene Wendling comes to the plate. 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitches.

Diz Newsome: I mean not bad for an alcoholic.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. Don’t say that, Diz.

Diz Newsome: Hey, you see now Wood Ling’s wife. Mama Mia. Okay. 22 years old. The tush on that woman like soldiers hair cut, high and tight.

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, let’s not talk about another man’s wife like that, Diz. And here’s the pitch.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, except it’s not. Pop fly directly over home plate.

Diz Newsome: You know what? I’m gonna take another cold pill so I don’t get stuffy.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, sounds good Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate. Or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe.

Diz Newsome: How the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball snag that bra?

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, watch the language, Diz.

Diz Newsome: I mean, you know he’s Italian, right?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay.

Diz Newsome: Italians aren’t even white.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. Please don’t say that, Diz. And here’s the pitch. Lne drawn past third.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, it’s not. It is not. But DiMaggio easily makes it to first.

Diz Newsome: Ah, yeah. Question. How much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe’s bedsheet?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. I’m not going to answer that because that is inappropriate.

Diz Newsome: Oh, no, it’s not. Inappropriate would be something like “How do you fit for hookers on one chair? You turn it upside down.”

Lyle O’ Riley: Oh my god. No Diz. How about a sponsor ID, Walt?

Walt: Today’s coverage is brought to you by Micha the businessman Scotch.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you, Walt. One out. Runner on first and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate.

Diz Newsome: Another boo sound.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. A lot of folks are saying this kid’s power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth.

Diz Newsome: I mean, yeah, the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? [phone ringing] [oh phone] Hah? Of course. [hangs up the phone] Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It’s real shame because it’s wanted.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine, Diz. Mantle squaring up at the plate.

Diz Newsome: Hah! What the hell, right? Okay, so, Ruth’s down the road in Cleveland.

Lyle O’ Riley: Pitch is low by one.

Diz Newsome: I mean, it’s about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? Horse and hotdogs.

Lyle O’ Riley: Please stop and right winds up.

Diz Newsome: Okay, so nothing’s open and Babe is starving.

Lyle O’ Riley: The pitch ball two.

Diz Newsome: So he sees this little street kid about 10 years old and Babe Ruth, he ate him.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. No. He did not.

Diz Newsome: Babe Ruth was so hungry that he ate a child alive.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. He did not. And is ball three.

Diz Newsome: He did.

Lyle O’ Riley: He did not.

Diz Newsome: He did. Clothes and all.

Lyle O’ Riley: Babe Ruth was famously kind to children. 3-0 is the count.

Diz Newsome: Well, he ate one.

Lyle O’ Riley: No.

Diz Newsome: Hey, if you’re listening to this and you’re in your car, and you’re stuck in traffic, I have an idea. Just gun it.

Lyle O’ Riley: Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: Slam the gas and see what happens.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, he’s joking. Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: I’m not.

Lyle O’ Riley: Ball four, bases loaded.

Diz Newsome: You know, I have some observations on different races.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, no, no. Let’s hear from our sponsor.

Walt: I kind of want to hear this.

Three Daughters

Prince Andaman… Mikey Day

King… Kenan Thompson

Lucilia… Ego Nwodim

Regalia… Selena Gomez

Blondelia… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a story book opening]

Male voice: Once upon a time, a Prince journey to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess or his bride.

[Cut to the prince visiting the king]

King: Oh, Prince Andaman. Welcome to our big cold castle in Europe.

Prince Andaman: It is an honor Your Highness.

King: Good job killing out dragon. No one asked you to, but thank you. You may now meet my daughters three and choose one to be your bride.

Prince Andaman: Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird.

King: Bring out my daughter’s please.

[Three daughters walk in]

Prince Andaman: Hmm. Fair maidens. So cool to see.

King: Meet my first daughter, Lucilia.

Lucilia: It is an honor to stand before you, fair prince.

Prince Andaman: Wow. Okay, I love that.

King: My second daughter, Regalia.

Regalia: I know not what to say and yet I feel not frightened, prince.

Prince Andaman: Good, good. Make sense?

King: And my third daughter Blondelia.

Blondelia: Hello.

Prince Andaman: Okay, is that it?

Blondelia: Nice to meet you.

Prince Andaman: Right. Okay. Sure.

King: Is everything all right?

Prince Andaman: Yeah, I guess I just thought there’d be something messed up about her because there’s three of them and the third one is her.

King: I take great offense.

Prince Andaman: No, I’m sorry. It’s just usually like, one’s pretty, one smart and one has something like really wrong with them.

King: But you’ve only just met. Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.

Lucilia: I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the harpsichord.

Regalia: I love dancing and dancing around.

Blondelia: And me, I like harpsichord and I guess also dancing.

Prince Andaman: Okay. Is that why she’s weird? Because she copied her thing?

King: What are you on about?

Prince Andaman: I mean, it’s gotta be Blondelia, but I just can’t figure out why.

Blondelia: I like painting as well. Or archery. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what you want me to say.

King: Oh, I know. Tell him your favorite foods.

Lucilia: Little cakes.

Regalia: Strawberries.

Blondelia: Muffins.

Prince Andaman: All right. What, is she like obsessed with muffins?

Blondelia: I feel like people like muffins.

Prince Andaman: Okay, now I’m kind of getting pissed off.

King: Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters?

Prince Andaman: Okay, um, do a little dance as normal as you can.

[music playing. All the princesses dance lightly and nicely.]

Prince Andaman: All right. All regular hot dancing. Does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? What are your laughs?

[Regalia laughs weirdly]

Prince Andaman: Okay, is it her? Because that was awful.

[Lucilia laughs like a hunk man]

[Blondelia laughs unnaturally]

Prince Andaman: Those were all bad.

King: Prince Andaman, you have to hurry. You must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight.

Prince Andaman: Ooh. Ooh, what happens at midnight?

King: It’s just too late.

Prince Andaman: I give up. All right? Maybe I’ll just leave and go kill a different dragon.

[The princesses start crying]

Prince Andaman: Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. I’ve been so rude. Just based on the princesses I’ve met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something.

Lucilia: Father, he’s right. Sometimes, one of the girls is weird. On purpose. She’ll make a joke out of herself before anyone who can judge her.

Regalia: Maybe it’s because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princes like you, Dragon Dork.

Blondelia: Maybe it’s a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don’t know. I’m just guessing, I’m very normal.

Prince Andaman: I see. I’m sorry. I was judgmental. The truth is I’m drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch.

King: But isn’t that love, young man?

Prince Andaman: I guess you’re right. All right. I choose number three, Blondelia.

King: Prince Andaman and Blondelia, blessings upon you.

Prince Andaman: I love you Blondelia, and you shall be my wife.

Blondelia: And I love you. Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters. Goodbye.

Sisters: Goodbye.

[While they walk out, Blondelia’s butt cheeks are showing out of her dress.]

Male voice: There we go. Good old number three gets them everytime.

Old Enough Longterm Boyfriends

Matt… Mikey Day

Kelsey… Selena Gomez

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Netflix viewers love “Old Enough”, the hit Japanese show that follows toddlers as they go on an errand all by themselves. And now we’re remaking it here. But since Americans don’t send toddlers out into the world alone, we have to find an equally helpless group. And we did. Here’s a sneak peek of “Old Eough! Long Term Boyfriends!”

[cut to Matt and Kelsey’s apartment. Matt is playing video game.]
Matt and Kelsey live in New York City. They have been dating for three years. And now that he’s 34, Kelsey thinks Matt is ready to run an errand all by himself.

Kelsey: Matt, I’m gonna need you to go out and get a couple of things from me, okay?

Matt: [confused] Are you gonna come?

Kelsey: No, no, no. This is something you have to do all by yourself. Okay?

Female voice: Matt’s nervous. But with Kelsey’s help, Matt is ready for his big errand. [Kelsey gets Matt ready like a toddler. With a day bag, water bottle, stop sign flag and more.]

Matt have to walk four blocks to Sephora, which he thinks is called Sephoria, like the HBO show Euphoria, and buy Smashbox, eye pencil and night mist. Then he’ll need to get two shallots at the market. Here he goes. He’s only 34.

[cut to Matt going into the streets]

Wow, so brave.

[There’s a poster of Ana de Armas at the bust stop. Matt is looking at the poster.]

Don’t get distracted by Ana de Armas, Matt. And he made it to Sephora. But once inside, Matt is overwhelmed. He’s never been here without Kelsey before. [Matt starts crying] Oh no. Matt, don’t cry. Ask for help like a big boy.

Heidi: Hi.

Matt: Do you know where the makeup is?

Heidi: Oh, this is all makeup in here, sweetie. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Female voice: Remember Matt, Kelsey wants to Smashbox, night mist, eye pencil.

Matt: Smash mouth Night wing.

[Matt starts crying]

Heidi: It’s okay. Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay.

Female voice: Back at home, Kelsey hopes Matt is okay by himself.

Kelsey: Matt is so great at doing things he likes. Like, DraftKings or his adult Legos. But getting something for me without me being there is a lot for him to handle. Especially at his age. I might have a bottle a glass of wine. It’s 10 AM, but it’s fine. You can cut that out, right?

Female voice: At Sephora, Matt makes his purchase. Hurray! And after stopping to buy a bacon, egg and cheese, even though he ate lunch an hour ago, Matt’s on his way to the market. But what’s this? Another boy on an errand? [Kenan is on his errand shopping]

Matt: Hi, I’m 34.

Kenan: I’m 38 and a half.

Matt: Are you on an errand for your girlfriend?

Kenan: Yeah, I had to get dry cleaning and a cream that costs $80.

Matt: Are shallots onions?

Kenan: Yeah. Bye.

Matt: Bye.

Female voice: Keep going, Matt. You’re almost there. He made it. Kelsey wanted two shallots. But she buys two five pound bags of onions. Kelsey awaits his return. Hurry up, Matt. You’re almost there.

[the onions fall out of the bag]

Matt: Son of a—

[cut to Selena opens the door]

Female voice: And he’s done it.

Kelsey: You did it! Give me a big hug. I am really proud of him. That said, I asked him to get an eyeliner pencil and two shallots and he brought home 10 pounds of onions and a blush palette for African American woman. So, I should just break up. It’s just not this. It’s everything. We’re basically roommates. Watch, baby, do you want to have sex right now?

Matt: Uh-huh, it’s like, light outside.

Kelsey: Oh, silly me.