Elf on the Shelf | Season 44 Episode 8

Santa… Beck Bennett

Dottie… Melissa Villaseñor

Deedle Beep… Mikey Day

Scrabby… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a book ‘Elf on the shelf’ book, going through few of it’s pages]

Narrator: During the Christmas season, Santa sends an Elf to every child’s home to see if they’re being naughty or nice. All day they watch their child, never blinking and never moving. And each night they return to the North Pole to report back to Santa.

[Cut to a room where Santa and three elves are sitting]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Welcome back elves on shelves! I hope you’ve all been keeping a good eye on your children.

Elves: Yes, Santa!

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Wonderful. Dottie, how has little Elizabeth been this year?

Dottie: [Cut to Dottie] She’s been a very good girl Santa. She’s listening to her parents and doing her chores.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Splendid! And how is little Matthew, Deedle Beep?

Deedle Beep: Well, he didn’t want to eat his vegetables at dinner.

Santa: Oh, no.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to Deedle Beep] But then he did and he liked them!

Santa: Hooray! [Cut to Santa] What about young Marshall, Scrabby?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby, ashamed] I want a new kid, Santa.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But why? You’ve been watching Marshall for [looks at his book] 13 years.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Things have changed this year. He figured out he could do a certain thing with his body. Now he won’t stop doing it.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] I hope he’s not fighting with his little brother. That would be very naughty indeed.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] No. It’s definitely a solo activity. And considering I can’t close my eyes, I had no choice but to watch him. He does it a lot.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Hmm, well, is what he’s doing naughty or is it nice?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] It’s not really either, Santa.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to three elves] That’s silly, Scrabby. All elves know that everything humans do is either naughty or it’s nice.

Scrabby: It isn’t so black and white, Deedle Bee. [Cut to Scrabby] It’s just a thing humans lean how to do, you know, they go insane for a while and they do it non-stop. Please, Santa, could I have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But Marshall loves you Scrabby.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I know. But sometimes he looks at me when he’s doing it, and I think he’s making me a part of it.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, lucky you, Scrabby. Now what does each of your children want for Christmas this year?

[Cut to three elves]

Deedle Beep: A train set.

Dottie: A new soccer ball.

Scrabby: I don’t want to say.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, Scrabby, certainly Marshall wants something from Santa. Let’s see what’s on my list. Oh, Scrabby, you spelled flashlight wrong!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I wish that were the case.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, is there anything else he wants?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I mean, I guess some soft socks?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ho! [Cut to everybody] Then he shall have the softest socks in the land.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] They’re not going to stay that way, Santa.

Deedle Beep: Scrabby, it sounds like you don’t like Marshall anymore?

Scrabby: No, I do. It’s just, 13 is a confusing age.

Dottie: Whatever do you mean?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know, he like, looks at his body and he has like, little boobies and he squeezes real hard because he hates them and he’s mad at them and he’s like, “Oh, go away”.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] Oh, my, that’s odd.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, yeah. Please, listen; can I please have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Oh, I think I know what’s happening. You’re upset he’s growing up.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] Oh, he grew up, Santa. That’s done.

Deedle Beep: Don’t be sad, Scrabby. Every kid stops believing in us some day. But then they have kids of their own and the magic starts again!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know if Marshall’s going to have anything left in his tank by then.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Well, I can’t wait to visit all your children and bring them Christmas cheer.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, well, just make a lot of noise when you get to Marshall’s house. He’ll stop for a few seconds if he hears something.

Santa:  [Cut to everybody] Oh, Scrabby, you’re a silly elf. Now back to your children.

Day of the Dorks | Season 44 Episode 8

Trip… Mikey Day

Beef… Jason Momoa

… Beck Bennett

… Kenan Thopmson

… Alex Moffat

… Chris Redd

Finnegan…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: You’re watching TVS. And now back to the 1985 campus comedy “Day Of The Dorks”.

[Cut to six students in a well furnished room]

Trip: I’ve had it with these dorks! First they ruin our homecoming party with their dump pranks and now they’re beating us in the Greek Week Olympiad! [Cut to Trip] We’re Sigma Theta. We can’t lose to a bunch of dorks!

Beef:  [Cut to Beef] I hate dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] We all do, Beef. That’s why we need to get rid of them once and for all.

Beck: [Cut to Beck] No one makes fools of Sigma Theta, especially not a bunch of dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef]Dorks!

Beck: They win one more event [Cut to Chris, Alex, Beck and Kenan] at Greek Week, they’ll get to move in to our frat house.

Kenan: [Kenan stands] Man, this house belongs to us. Not those dang dorks!

Beef: [Cut to Beef breaking the chair out of anger] Dorks.

Trip: [Cut to everybody] Yeah! All right! Yeah! Also, take it easy on our furniture, [Cut to Trip] Beef. Alright, we have to pay for that stuff man. Good news, gentlemen, is that I have a way to stop the dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Kill the dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] Not that, Beef. But I do think I have a way to kill their pathetic excuse for a frat.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] With a knife?

Trip: [Cut to Trip] All right. Stop with that stuff, please, Beef. It’s freaking me out. Now, what does the dean hate most?

Beef: [Cut to Beef, acting happy] Dorks!

Trip: [Cut to Trip] No, cheating. And what happens to a frat caught cheating during Greek Week?

Beef: [Cut to Beef] They die!

Beck: [Cut to Beck] Beef, please listen. alright? Trip is hatching a plan.

Kenan: [Cut to Alex and Kenan] Trip, the dorks won’t cheat, man. Not only are dorks fair, they’re clever. And they know it.

Alex: Just thinking of the smug faces on those dorks. Oh, god!

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Dork faces! [Beef gets angry, screams, runs to the foosball and breaks it] [Cut to everybody]

Trip: Beef, man! Why did you do that? [Cut to Beef and Trip] That was a gift from the alumni!

Beef: Because Beef hates dorks!

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] We know but we all really liked and use that foosball table a lot.

Beck: Beef, we love how much you hate dorks. And we all admire your passion [Cut to everybody] but wrecking stuff we use doesn’t help.

Chris: Yeah, maybe grab a pen and jot down notes on like, what you’re going to do to help to get rid of these dorks. That would help a lot.

Beef: Beef can’t write.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] Oh, Beef, really? You have been in college for eight years, man. How do you not know how to write?

Beef: [Cut to Beef and Trip] Because of dorks.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] I don’t know Beef. I feel like that’s on you, man.

Beck: [Beck goes to Beef, tells him to go outside. Beef goes outside] Alright, make them drink from the hose. Right? I’ll tell you about the plan after. I love Beef, but what’s his deal? Have any of you ever met his parents? How is he paying for an Ivy League School?

Trip: I don’t know. What matters right now is getting rid of the dorks. [Trip walks towards the other door] Now, as you all know, my father has a great deal of money. [Beef is drinking water from the pipe outside the window, looking inside] And every dork has his price. Guys, meet Finnegan. [Finnegan comes inside the room] My dork on the inside.

Finnegan: Gentlemen, as a dork myself, I can tell you— [Looks at Beef outside the window] I’m sorry, is he okay?

Beef: [Beef is angry looking at Finnegan] Dork!

Trip: Yeah, he’s fine, [Trip closes the curtains to the window] he’s fine. Alright, Finnegan, please continue.

Finnegan: Okay. Well, [Cut to Finnegan] if there’s one thing we dorks love more than computers, it’s girls. If you jocks can help me get a girlfriend—[Beef breaks the wall and pulls Finnegan out through the wall]

Beef: Dorks! Dorks!

[Playing outro]