Dream Home Cousins

Rick…Mikey Day

Gage… Jake Gyllenhaal

Lillian… Heidi Gardner

Pat… James Austin Johnson

Bea… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of Rick and Gage designing homes]

Male voice: Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.

Rick and Gage: We’re the dream home cousins.

Rick: My cousin gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milquetoast husband Pat, who’s deeply uncomfortable on camera. And now, we’re ready to show him the plans we drew up.

Gage: For the record. I did most of the drawings.

Rick: Oh, brother.

Gage: Don’t you mean “Oh, cousin?”

[Cut to Rick and Gage with Lillian and Pat]

Rick: Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?

Lillian: Yes, I’m so excited.

Rick: Pat?

[Pat is staring awkwardly]

Gage: Now, we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother Bea and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house, which required us to change a few things.

Lillian: But it’s still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?

Gage: You bet. Just slightly modified. Let’s start with the living room.

Rick: Lillian, you wanted this space to be “An oasis of relaxation.”

Lillian: Oh I love that.

Rick: But Bea wanted this space to be “Where we put my cat’s medical equipment”

Gage: And unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.

Rick: God, the fucking cat!

Gage: Now for the kitchen, we thought this captured Lillian’s vision of an open concept design.

Lillian: Oh wow.

Gage: And we would have loved to build that. But since Bea is going to be doing most of the cooking–

Bea: All the cooking. Skinny Minnie can’t cook.

Gage: We went with a more closed concept.

Rick: And since Bea is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking Range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from Bea’s current home and both manufactured in 1978.

Bea: Back where America still built things.

Lillian: Are you gonna fit for anything I want?

Rick: Now, Lillian, I sense that you’re probably feeling that your vision has been compromised downstairs.

Lillian: Yes.

Rick: But upstairs…

Gage: Has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David’s Motorized Stair chair.

Rick: But good news Lillian, we were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.

Lillian: Yay, it’s perfect.

Rick: But it will have to double as the display room for Bea’s collection of wise quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930 gangster outfits. And with 90 wise quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped. So what do we think so far?

Bea: I think Skinny Minnie opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.

Lillian: What? You told her that?

Pat: I gave my sweetness.

Lillian: Oh my god.

Gage: Okay. Let’s show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.

Lillian: Oh, okay. That’s gorgeous.

Gage: And here’s where we landed after talking to Bea. Since this will be her bedroom as well, we’ll swap the king bed for three singles. And since Bea hates large open spaces–

Bea: The devils in the raft.

Gage: Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.

Lillian: You’re 6’1”.

Pat: I’ll crouch.

Rick: But don’t worry, Bea. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors.

Bea: That was when men were men.

Rick: And now, drumroll please.

Gage: For the primary bathroom, Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.

Rick: But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading your privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.

Bea: You know perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.

Lillian: No one wants to see you make your dirt.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Lillian: Are you thinking about it?

Rick: When we come back, the upstairs demo begin.

Cabaret Night

Mikey Day

Jake Gyllenhaal

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with announcer on a stage]

Mikey: Hello everyone. We hope you’re enjoying the music and dinner. If anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla, I just want to say I have the same car. So let’s talk. And now without further ado, our biggest act of the night, the singers for tonight is a special reunion. They haven’t performed together in five years. But we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight. Please welcome the Singers Four.

[Singers Four walk in]

Jake: Hello, everybody. I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd.

Bowen: We are the Singers Four and we are so glad to be with you tonight.

Cecily: You know so many songs are dedicated to greatness. But we’ve lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great. Some of us are just walking around.

Kate: This song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things.

Bowen: Because it’s what we’ve got, it’s all we want. And it’s actually a lot.

Kate: [singing] I don’t have taste, I don’t have class

Cecily: I’ve been Passover, I’ve been picked last.

Bowen: I’m not winning any medal

Jake: Not number one, two or three.

Cecily: Who the hell is counting?

Kate: But I’ve made my bed every day this month.

Cecily: I can parallel park under any condition.

Jake: When I pump inside of a lady stuff comes out.

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: Look, no one can climb Everest. But you know what I just did?

Cecily: Well, tell us Johnny.

Jake: I finished an entire chapstick without losing it.

Kate: I’ve never done that.

Jake: I know. And I think that means I’m a good dad.

Bowen: That’s exactly what it means.

Kate: I’m not a queen, I’m not the best

Cecily: Might not be special, might not be blessed.

Jake: If it’s graded on a curve, I’m the one getting Bs

Kate: That’s almost an A.

Bowen: But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm.

Cecily: I used to smoke but then I stopped.

Jake: My email inbox has zero email

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: So tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?

Kate: Well, I’ll never win the Nobel Prize. But I can say that I met Eric Nies.

Cecily: Wow. And who is that?

Kate: He was in the original cast to the Real World.

Cecily: Well, that’s terrific. You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me is that I’m not the best at sex.

Bowen: Okay, tell me more.

Cecily: Well, it’s not gonna be anything new. But I guarantee one thing, you’re not going to feel scared or upset.

Bowen: That’s the point.

Jake: You go girl.

Bowen: My grandmother says I’m classically handsome.

Kate: I grew out of a peanut allergy.

Cecily: I don’t know why, but I never got COVID

Bowen: And I hated Hamilton before it was cool.

Jake: Once a year, I call off of work,
I pretend I’m sick and I go to the movies,

then I go home and my wife says “How was work”
and I say good and nobody knows

All: And that’s my thing for me

Kate: Come on. Every dinner, it can’t be steak. Sometimes it’s all wet pasta in a Tupperware. Grow up.

Cecily: Every night can’t be the best night of your life. It’d be exhausting. You’d end up in a hospital.

Jake: Gold isn’t the only metal? What is gold do? Sparkle? Who cares? You know what does a– what– what– what– What tin does? It preserves tomatoes forever.

Bowen: And fine. We don’t have Grammy’s. But we have Grammys of weed. Which is what I call it when I don’t have that much weed left.

Kate: I do not read, I do not floss

Cecily: The world that saw me and said get lost

Jake: I don’t have any trophies but I have a TV

Cecily: He can watch whatever he wants.

Kate: Some people are faster, some people are hotter
but I put lemon in my water

Bowen: Sure, I’m not regal, sure I’m not rich
but when I cook chicken it’s never dry, bitch!

Jake: I don’t have money, I don’t have power
but every time I use it I clean one part of the shower

Cecily: Sure, I don’t write poems that transcend
but I have a son and he has a friend

All: And that’s enough for me

Shop TV

Dot… Cecily Strong

Rhett… Mikey Day

Thomas Parker-Nubbs… Alex Moffat

Kevin Lickitt… Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with Dot and Rhett in their set]

Dot: Hello, hello, ShopTV home shoppers. Dot and Rhett back live with y’all.

Rhett: Dot and Rhett? I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.

Dot: Are you gonna  be a pill all hour?

Rhett: Maybe.

Dot: Okay, well, it’s 5pm which means it’s time for a squeal deals. [scary squeal sound] O’Dale! We asked y’all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago!

Rhett: Yeah, sounds like someone’s getting killed O’Dale.

Dot: Chillin, O’Dale!

Rhett: Need something light? Okay. Later in the hour. We love him. Here, Thomas Parker-Nubbs will unveil his new line of Christian lunchboxes.

[Cut to Thomas Parker-Nubbs]

Thomas Parker-Nubbs: The artwork features Jesus do and modern young person things. Oh, well, look at that. Is that Jesus got one of those Oculus VR do-dads?

Dot: Oh, kids are gonna flip.

[Cut back to Dot and Rhett. Now, Kevin Lickitt is with them with a doll.]

Rhett: Yeah, well, speaking of kids, our first squeal deal today is an adorable doll.

Dot: Was she gorgeous? And we have the designer here, Mr. Kevin. Now is it Lickitt?

Kevin Lickitt: Yes sir. My mamma always said we was named Lickitt because we so sweet.

Rhett: Aw, that’s adorable. Kind of made me sad though for some reason. I don’t know why. Now, tell us about this pretty lady here.

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, this is Riley Rainbowlocks.

Dot: Get out. What a clever name.

Kevin Lickitt: Student by day and magical Popstar by night.

Dot: Oh, I love that.

Rhett: Perfect role model for little girls.

Dot: Or little boys. We’ll get in trouble if we don’t say that.

Kevin Lickitt: And here’s the best part. Your child can cut and style rallies rainbow locks however they wish. And when they want to give her a new-do, you just turn this little knob here in the back and our hair grows.

Rhett: Oh, wow.

Dot: Get out of town, that’s amazing.

Rhett: Now you can get this pretty lady for just $34.99.

Dot: Order within the hour and you get an additional outfit and two extra hair spools for free.

Rhett: Looks like shoppers are already scooping her up. Let’s go to the ShopTV phone lines. Hi caller.

Caller: Oh, my niece is going to love this doll. What extra outfit does she come with?

Kevin Lickitt: I’ll show you. By the way, Riley’s very easy to change. It’s all Velcro. Watch this here.

Rhett: Let’s change.

[Kevin Lickitt pulls out the doll’s dress. Her pubic part is also covered with rainbow hair.]

Caller: The hell! Why does that doll have a rainbow bush?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, no, no, no, that’s not a bush.

Caller: It sure looks like one to me. That’s a 1970s rainbow bush.

Kevin Lickitt: It’s not. That’s the end of the head spool inside through it. So you can see the span. It’s an anchor point. Any doll maker would know that.

Caller: Well, I’m not a doll maker so what I see is a thick ass vagi-afro. I will be canceling my order. Goodbye.

Kevin Lickitt: I didn’t make a vagi-afro.

Rhett: Y’all don’t need to keep saying that. Don’t keep saying vagi-afro.

Kevin Lickitt: You need it so the spool spins and the hair on the head will grow. It’s doll making Dot0Dot.

Rhett: Okay. Well, if you’re just joining us, this is not private hair.

Dot: It anchors the spool inside.

Rhett: Okay. O’Dale, we got a product image? Yeah, there you go. Throw that up while we put Riley’s outfit on.

Dot: You get Riley rainbow blocks for the ShopTV exclusive price of just $34.99.

Kevin Lickitt: And look who’s all dressed up and ready to hit the beach. [The doll is wearing a swimsuit, and the rainbow hair at pubic part is still showing] Riley is ready for summer with this retro one piece swimsuit.

Dot: You know what?

Rhett: Kevin, I’m gonna try and stick in some of this business.

Dot: No, do not do that. Stop it.

Rhett: It’s sticking in.

Dot: I know. But a grown man poking his fingers around the area.

Rhett: Well, he said the doll’s in college. It doesn’t matter.

Dot: It don’t matter she’s in college. You know what? Come on. Let’s cut away from this close, O’Dale! Well, okay. Let’s talk to some people who ordered a Riley Rainbowlocks.

Rhett: Caller, you’re on ShopTV.

Caller: This is a collect call from a federal corrections facility. Press one to accept this call from the Palmdale pervert.

Rhett: Hang up, O’Dale.

Dot: No, thank you. No, we do not accept that call.

Rhett: It is an icky icky call. In fact you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and put the other Riley we got here. Back up one with clothes on. Now Kevin, tell us what happens if rally runs out of hair from the spool inside. Can it be replaced?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh, it sure can. It’s very easy. Sometimes part replacement can be a little hairy.

Dot: Okay, look at you making little jokes.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah. So you just push the quick release button here on the back to access it. [he bends over the doll and shows the hair on the doll’s butt.]

Rhett: Okay, now that’s kind of a yucky place to go to.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah, it had to go here because it has to connect to the panel. Any doll maker would know that.

Dot: You keep saying that as if we’re all doll makers but we’re not, sweetie. You’re finished in there?

Kevin Lickitt: Sorry, the button’s stuck. Sometimes you just gotta wiggle it.

Rhett: Oh, pretty face is facing the camera. Let’s check those sale numbers. Item sold. [units sold has crossed fivethousand.] Oh my god. These are selling like hotcakes right now.

Kevin Lickitt: Sometimes it helps if you release the latch and pull the head at the same time.

Dot: No, no, no.

Rhett: Why would you? We can’t show that!

Dot: Oh no. We’re moving on.

Rhett: Come on, man.

Dot: After the break our next ShopTV squeal deal. [girl scream squeal sound]

Rhett: That’s a worse sound effect O’Dale.

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Can I Talk to You

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

[Starts with Ego walking out of Quick Mart. Zoë is filling up the gas tank of her car. They are well dressed.]

Zoë: Is this thing busted or something? It’s taking forever.

Ego: Girl, Biden better do something about these gas prices?

Zoë: I know, right? $6 a gallon. What are they using, casamigos?

[Chris walks to them. He looks homeless.]

Chris: Excuse me? I ain’t trying to bother y’all but I’m looking very beautiful tonight.

Ego: Oh, boy.

Zoë: Here we go.

Chris: I just want to know if I can get your number or something, you know I’m saying?

Ego and Zoë: No.

Chris: Damn, saying no. Can I at least like, talk to you for a second? You know what I’m saying?

Zoë: You got a hole in your jacket.

Chris: So what though? What? You got a man or something like that?

Zoë: Yeah.

Ego: I’m married.

Chris: So what though? I can’t get to know you now?

Ego: You got bags on your feet. [He’s wearing plastic bags instead of shoes]

Chris: So what though? I mean, I can’t talk to you?

Zoë: Talk about what?

Ego: Do you work here or something?

Chris: No, I got no job. But I get money though! [showing his collection of cans]

Zoë: By collecting cans?

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I’m saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something?

Ego: I think your car is on fire.

Chris: What does that even mean?

Zoë: She means your car is literally on fire right now.

[his car is on fire]

Chris: So what though? What you saying, baby? I can’t know your name?

Ego: Is that your baby?

Chris: Is what my baby?

Zoë: The baby in the stroller rolling into the streets.

Chris: Yeah, I guess that’s my baby. Why you can answer my questions though? That’s what I want want to know?

Zoë: Oh my god. What is your question?

Chris: I’m saying can I have your home address?

Ego: No.

[Mikey walks out of the store]

Mikey: Oh, what do we have here?

Ego: Oh, God. Will this pump Hurry up?

Mikey: Do my eyes deceive me, or am I looking at my future ex baby mom?

Ego: Ex baby mama? Then how would that happen?

Mikey: I’m saying though. What’s your name baby girl?

Zoë: Dude, are you peeing on yourself right now?

Mikey: Look, man, I’m just trying to get to know you, baby girl.

Chris: This my homie. We’re not trying to bother y’all.

Mikey: Yeah, we just want to know your sign. Are you a Virgo or a Sagittaricruz?

Ego: What happened to your teeth?

Mikey: My what?

Ego: Are you wearing a hospital gown?

Chris: I might be. You going to nurse me?

Mikey: Ooh!

Zoë: Oh, my God, why is this pump taking so long?

Chris: Girl, when are you going to let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer?

[a bird poops on Chris’s head]

Zoë: Ew!

Zoë: Do you know a bird just [bleep] on your head?

Chris: Don’t worry ’bout all that, girl.

Mikey: Yo, she got jokes!

Chris: I know, right?

Zoë: Is that a tail?

[Mikey has a tail]

Mikey: It might be!

Ego: A tail?

Chris: I’m trying to take you camping.

Mikey: Exactly, my man just trying to take you– [gets hit by a car]

Zoë: Oh, my God! Your friend just got hit by a car.

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I can’t get a hug, though?

Ego: Okay, girl, let’s just get out of here.

Zoë: Yep.

[Engine starts and they leave] [Mikey groaning]

Chris: Man, they was ugly, anyway. Let’s get out of here, man.

Mikey: They was busted!

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day

I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Family Band

Heidi Gardner

Patrick… Mikey day

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

[Starts with Heidi and Mikey outside a house door]

Heidi: Babe, I’m so excited for you to meet my brothers. You remind me so much of them.

Mikey: I’m a little nervous.

Heidi: No Don’t be. They’re gonna love you. You guys are like identical.

Mikey: Well, if they’re Niners fans like you said, I think we’ll get along just fine.

[Heidi’s brothers open the door. They’re all wearing suits and are ready to play music]

Andrew: Well, well, well.

Kyle: Look what the little mamacita dragged in.

John: Say, Raggedy Ann, who’s the beanpole?

Heidi: Oh, my God! I knew you guys would razz me. This is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers.

Mikey: Uh, nice to meet you guys.

Kyle: You can call me Sweet Vermouth. And these stray mutts are the Speakeasy Bandits. Bienvenidos!

Mikey: Okay.

[They walk in]

John:

Come on, come on. Grab a seat. Barrel or barber chair? Dealer’s choice.

Mikey: All right. [to Heidi] These guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band or…?

Heidi: Yeah, my brothers have a band, yes.

Andrew: And, uh, we sure could use our standup bassist back.

Heidi: Oh, come on. You guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. Are you guys making money?

Andrew: Nope. A three, four. . .

[They start playing]

Kyle: [singing] Walking down the alley,
About a quarter past ten

John: Tell ’em, Sweet Vermouth.

Kyle: Got a dime on my side
and a big old bottle of gin

Heidi: Oh, my God, it’s “Gin Alley”!

All: Gin Alley, Whoa, daddio, Gin Alley
Whoa, daddio

Andrew: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

Kyle: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yes! Yeah, you guys sound so great! Have you been smoking more cigarettes?

Kyle: Bull’s eye, pussycat.

John: With a side of Cubanos.

Mikey: So, again, what’s the similarity you’re seeing between us?

Heidi: Wait. Are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, my God, this always happens to me.

Mikey: No, I’m not.  They’re all wearing giant, oversized suits. I don’t even know what style that is.

Kyle: Slow your roll, Rover. Not much of a music guy, I take it? We’re a swing revival revival band.

Mikey: Swing revival revival?

Andrew: That’s right, Rover.

Heidi: Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing?

Andrew: Yeah, Rover. We’re trying to bring that back.

John: Like, make a little picture of this. The year is 1999. Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkite. And thanks to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and one Gap commercial, swing is king.

Kyle: Ay, yi, yi, yi, yiii, three, four!

[starts playing]

Andrew: Well, the devil was walkin’
He checked into a motel

Heidi: Oh, my God! It’s “Devil Daddy”!

Andrew: He got the roadster rolling
Gonna take that straight to hell

Heidi: Babe, let’s dance.

Mikey: Okay.

All: Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio, Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: Don’t kiss me to your brothers’ music, baby!

John: And a big old bottle of gin

Andrew: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yeah!I love you, my brothers.

Kyle: Oh, hey, you are too kind, pussycat!

Mikey: Can you please stop calling your sister “pussycat”?! Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans.

Heidi: Yeah, 1999’ers.

Mikey: There is no way you thought that’s what I meant.

Heidi: Well, you’re always saying how you’re such a 90’s kid.

Mikey: Yeah, I meant, like, “Rugrats” and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90’s.

Heidi: Okay. Well, I’m starting to feel like our relationship is a lie.

Mikey: What are you talking about?

John: [walks to Heidi] Did he hit you?

Mikey: Oh, my God.

Heidi: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…  we’re too different. You come from a 90’s where everyone wore neon and watched “Friends,” and I come from a 90’s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. And that’s who I am. This is who I am. Three, four!

[they start playing music]

When the jukebox plays
And the boogie begins

Kyle: Oh, spice it up, pussycat!

Heidi: We gotta boogieoogieoogie, a
nd a big old bottle of gin

All: Boogieoogieoogie
Whoa, daddio, boogieoogie
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

John: Nice pipes, toothpick.

Mikey: Yeah, I, used to be in a ska band.

Andrew: Boo!

Kyle: That sucks!

Heidi: Don’t tell people that.

John: Do you hit her?

Mikey: Dude, no, I don’t.

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Nugenix

Mark… Mikey Day

Frank Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Doug Flutie… Kyle Mooney

William Defoe

[Starts with a guy playing golf video game. Frank Thomas walks in.]

Mark: Whoa! Frank Thomas?

Frank Thomas: That’s me. What’s your name?

Mark: I’m Mark. I’m a huge fan.

Frank Thomas: I get that a lot.

Mark: Well, I don’t want to bother you. But you look great.

Frank Thomas: Well, in my age, I try to stay in the gym as much as possible.

Mark: I hear you. But once I turned William Defoe0…

Frank Thomas:  Let me get this energy? Put on a few pounds?

Mark:  You said it.

Frank Thomas: Lower drive? Can’t get hard anymore?

Mark: Well, lower drive.

Frank Thomas: It’s not your fault. It happens to every man. Testosterone levels drop as you age. That’s why you can’t get hard anymore.

Mark: I didn’t say that. [Doug Flutie walks in] Holy crap! Doug Flutie.

Doug Flutie: Yes.

Frank Thomas: Mark You just turned William Defoe0.

Doug Flutie: Let me guess you can’t get hard anymore.

Frank Thomas: Bingo.

Mark: No. I never said that.

Doug Flutie: It’s okay. It happens to every man.

Mark: Right. I can still get hard.

Frank Thomas: Sure you can, Mark. You just need a little boost. We all do, to get hard.

Mark: No, seriously. Guys, I’m actually fine down there.

Doug Flutie: You don’t have to lie to us, Mark. It’s okay. See, as you get older–

Mark: Testosterone levels drop. Yeah, I know. He already said it.

[William Defoe walks in]

William Defoe: What are you guys talking about?

Mark: Oh my god, Sir William Defoe.

William Defoe: Sir Willem? I’m not even British.

Mark: Oh, why did I think you were British?

William Defoe: I don’t know, man.

Doug Flutie: This is Mark. He came up to us and told us he couldn’t get hard anymore.

Mark: Stop saying that.

William Defoe: Let me guess you just turn the big three-O.

Mark: Thirty?

William Defoe: It happens every man. Especially me.

Mark: I’m sorry. How do you guys all know each other?

Doug Flutie: From boner stuff. We met at a meeting.

William Defoe: Yeah, we all have the same problems as you.

Mark: Okay. I want to say again, for the record, I can still get very hard.

William Defoe: Damn right, you can. Now, with Nugenix.

Mark: Nugenix? What’s Nugenix?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now you’re interested. Huh?

William Defoe: He’s all yours now?

Mark: No, I was just asking because–

Doug Flutie: At first he was like, “No way. I can get hard all the time.”

Frank Thomas: Right? And now he’s like, “Um, what’s Nugenix?”

William Defoe: “Please tell me more, sir.”

Mark: Alright, well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Melissa: Honey. What’s taking so long?

Doug Flutie: We’re trying to help your husband get hard again.

Melissa: What? [looks at William Defoe] Oh my god, aren’t you–

William Defoe: Sir Willem Defoe. Pleasure is all mine, my lady.

Melissa: Ooh, charmer.  Even more handsome in person?

[sound of a machine engine]

Mark: What the hell is that?

William Defoe: That’s Nugenix.

Mark: What?

William Defoe: That sound. It’s me getting hard.

Melissa: I’m sorry, what?

Doug Flutie: See, when a man reaches a certain age, you can never get hard again.

William Defoe: Until now. With Nugenix.

[sound of a machine engine]

Frank Thomas: Oh, and there’s mine.

Melissa: Oh y god, it’s so loud.

[sound of a machine engine]

Doug Flutie: Right, now I’m getting hard too.

Mark: So, Nugenix is a machine?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now he’s interested.

[sound of electric shock]

William Defoe: Ah!

Melissa: Are you okay?

William Defoe: It’s fine. It’s just your perfume smells lovely, my lady.

Mark: Okay, let’s get out of here.

[Mark and Melissa leave] [Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie and William Defoe are getting electric shock]

Male voice: Nugenix, testosterone boosting male enhancement. Try it for free. Oh, now you’re interested!