Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office] [Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.

Future Self | Season 44 Episode 16

Trent, Mikey day,

Trent after 10 years… Alex Moffat

Tischy… Sandra Oh

Cam Thornton… Kyle Mooney

Trent after 20 years… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Trent looking at the mirror, working out in his room.]

Trent: Four, five. It’s useless. [Giving up] I’m never going to get jacked. I’m always going to be a scrawny dork. Who makes the team, never gets the girl, never amounts to anything.

[Suddenly, Treant after 10 years appears in the mirror]

Trent after 10 years: I disagree Trent.

Present Trent: Whoa, who are you?

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: You don’t you recognize me, dude? I’m you, 10 years from now at 25.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: But you’re—

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Jacked? Yeah, because I didn’t give up on myself.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: So I won’t be a scrawny loser forever?

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Definitely not. You’ve got ripped bod, a great job, and even a girlfriend.

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Present Trent: Wow, I have a girlfriend?

Trent after 10 years: Oh, yeah, bud.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: Whoa, I can’t believe it. Who’s my girlfriend?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Tischy: I am! What’s good, baby? I’m Tischy.

Trent after 10 years: This is Tischy? Your girlfriend in 10 years.

Tischy: I’m 47!

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: I’m sorry. In 10 years she will be my girlfriend?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Tischy: Oh yeah, I give my man that good goo goo. He get that bun bun on the reg. Tischy make it all squishy.

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: I’m sorry, just to be absolutely clear, this 47 year old woman with the broken arm and a can of Four Loko will be my girlfriend in 10 years?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Yes. So cheer up, the future is looking pretty bright.

Tischy: Oh, Tischy got to grab another Four Loko.

Trent after 10 years: Pace yourself babe, it’s only 10 in the morning. So just believe in yourself, Trent.

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Present Trent: Why?

Trent after 10 years: Because you’re awesome.

Present Trent: No, why is Tischy my girlfriend? I don’t understand it.

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Man! You still don’t think you’re cool enough to get a girl like Tischy? Well, maybe you should talk to somebody who you think is cool. [Trent after 10 years disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: Wait, no, no! Don’t go, I have more questions! [Cut to Present Trent] Oh my god, what’s wrong with future me?

[Cam Thornton appears in the mirror]

Cam Thornton: Hey, it’s me, Cam Thornton, the coolest kid in your highschool 10 years from now. Back then I wouldn’t even talk to you but now you’re my boss.

Present Trent: Cool. Do you know my girlfriend?

Cam Thornton: Tischy? [Cut to Cam Thornton] Yeah, I’m glad you brought that up. Do you know why you’re so into her? Cause no one at work can figure it out.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: No, I thought like maybe in the future that sort of girl is like super desirable or something?

[Cut to Cam Thornton]

Cam Thornton: Tischy? No man, she’s crazy. You must really love her. I mean, you stayed with her after she burned down your house all those times.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: What do you mean all those times?

[Cut to Cam Thornton]

Cam Thornton: You’ll find out. Anyway, see you in 10 years. [Cam Thornton disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: What? No, no, no! Oh my god, am I stupid into the future? Why are you so into Tischy?

[Tischy appears in the mirror]

Tischy: Because Tischy got that good goo goo.

Present Trent: What is goo goo?

Tischy: Not what you think!

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: Tischy, like when did we meet?

[Cut to Tischy]

Tischy: The night you got beat up.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: who beat me up?

[Cut to Tischy]

Tischy: I did. Now look at these moves. [Tischy starts dancing] Tischy dance like this. Wow! Tischy dance like that. Pow! Tischy dance like this. Wow! Tischy dance like that. Pow! [Tischy disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: I don’t know if I should listen to my future self if he’s so into Tischy. Maybe I should just stay a weak dork forever.

[Trent after 20 years appears in the mirror]

Trent after 20 years: Who you calling dork? Hi there, name’s Trent. You, 20 years from now.

Present Trent:  Whoa, I’m still in pretty good shape.

[Cut to Trent after 20 years]

Trent after 20 years: Oh yea, cause you got the right attitude. And since you believed in yourself, 35 is looking pretty nice.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: Is Tischy still my girlfriend?

[Cut to Trent after 20 years and Present Trent]

Trent after 20 years: [Laughs] No way.

Present Trent: Oh, thank god.

[Cut to Trent after 20 years]

Trent after 20 years: She’s your wife. [Showing the ring]

Present Trent: What?

[Tischy joins Trent after 20 years]

Tischy: What’s good! You put a ring on it!

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: No!

Trent after 20 years: Yes. You married the only girl I ever kissed.

Present Trent: What? Only Tischy!

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 20 years]

Tischy: Oh yeah baby, I got that yummy pow pow.

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: Wait, your arm is still broken? Why do I like you?

Tischy: Cause I got that good goo goo! We do that knock knock. And I own Samsung.

Present Trent: Wait, you own Samsung?

Tischy: Yeah, I’m a billionaire, baby!

Present Trent: Oh, okay. Now I get it.

[Trent after 10 years joins]

Trent after 10 years: You think I’d do you like that? Come on, man!