Tag: season 42

Melissa McCarthy’s Mother’s Day Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hello. Hello. Thank you. Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the 5th time which is amazing. But even more than that is it’s amazing that tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right? And I’m lucky to have two great girls. I’m a mom and I am lucky to be the daughter of a great mom Sandy McCarthy who always sends me flowers on Mother’s Day. I know. It’s so sweet. But you know what? I’m looking out here and I’m seeing all these people and I want to see everyone who is a mother. I want to see you up. I want to see everyone who is a mother up. [Mothers in the audience stand] Let’s cheer these ladies. Come on! Take your moment. Come on. Every single one of these ladies who stood up have not been to the bathroom alone since they gave birth. They haven’t had a hot meal in years. All of our purses are filled with weird cracker crumbs and dirty Purell bottles and that’s okay. Now, what’s your name?

Quarn: Quarn.

Melissa McCarthy: Quarn. How many kids do you have?

Quarn: TWo.

Melissa McCarthy: What are their names?

Quarn: Emma and Sam.

Melissa McCarthy: And are they with you today?

Quarn: They are not.

Melissa McCarthy: [looking at the camera as message to her kids] Shame on you. I don’t get their flowers for like, months. It’ll be great. It’ll be really good. And what is your name?

Joen: Joen.

Melissa McCarthy: Joen. How many kids do you have?

Joen: I have two, also.

Melissa McCarthy: Two, what do you have?

Joen. A girl and a boy, Sarah and Will.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, Sarah and will. Alright. Now, since my mom can’t be here, I need a little mom time. Can I give you a tour of the SNL back stage that only hosts get to see?

Joen: I would love to.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay. You will be my surrogate mom for the day. Let’s go. We’ve only got 90 seconds. [Melissa McCarthy runs with Joen to the backstage] This is a quick change area, Joen. This is where they rip your clothes off– [Melissa McCarthy opens the curtain, Alec Baldwin dressed as Donald Trump is inside]

Alec: Hi!

Melissa McCarthy: Get your pants on, Alec. They let us steal the clothes too if you just run fast enough. Nobody says anything. Now, this is the paint desk.  You can ask her for anything. Food, transportation, gum.

Joen: Hi.

Melissa McCarthy: What do we want? Oh, foot cream and a bottle of ketchup.

[the staff give them a foot cream and a ketchup.]

Oh, my god. It worked. Okay, that’s for you. Buy guys. Thanks. Let’s keep stealing stuffs. These are some of the cast dressing rooms. Now, this was one of the SNL legends. It’s the hallway llama. [There’s a llama in the hallway]  You can touch her. Just touch her on the neck. She’s had a lot of face work done. She’s an actress. It will eat your hat. Let’s go. We gotta keep going. This is where they do all the cue-cards. This is getting into the paint thing. These are– [They run into Ryan Reynalds and Blake Lively] Hi! Oh my god!

Ryan Reynolds: Hey!

Melissa McCarthy: Oh my god!

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: [hugging Joen] Congratulations!

Blake Lively: Happy Mother’s Day!

Joen: Thank you.

Melissa McCarthy: What are you guys doing here?

Ryan Reynolds: You invited us.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes! Yes, I did.

Blake Lively: Do we get seats? Are you gonna get us seats?

Melissa McCarthy: Yes, you will get seats. You wanna watch it from back here. These are the good seats. [Melissa McCarthy starts walking away]  I may have been drinking when I invited them. So, it’s fine.

Joen: Maybe I should give them my seat?

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, don’t give it up. Here, [giving her a shot] The Livelys’ are fine. They can handle it. [Melissa McCarthy and Joen drinks the shot] Oh, dear god!

Joen: Whoo!

Melissa McCarthy: We gotta get past the paint. Okay, Joen, come on. Oh, here’s Mooney. [runs into Kyle Mooney] He just likes to stand here. [You’re gonna have to tell him he is your favorite cast member, or he won’t let us pass.

Joen: You are my favorite.

Kyle: Oh, thank you so much.

Melissa McCarthy: He tends to hang out.

[Kyle hugs Joen tightly]

Okay! Okay! Kyle! Kyle! Too much. Too much. [Joen is laughing] Kyle thinks anyone over 23 might be his mom. So he gets a little creepy sometimes. There’s a lot of stuff. No one has ever been down this stretch before. We’re just gonna say we’re hosting the show. [they run into HAIM] This is our musical guest. Here’s HAIM. Say hello, ladies. Hello, hello, we gotta go. Come up here. Be careful. If we lose you–

Joen: Oh, this way?

Melissa McCarthy: –I’m afraid they won’t pay me. so, get up the stairs, careful, careful. Now, you know where you are?

Joen: No.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, wait.

Joen: Oh, my god!

Melissa McCarthy: That’s behind the band. You’re gonna host SNL. You’re a mom. You is kind, you is smart, you is important. Hit it!

Joen: Yay!

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Joen!

[Joen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

[Melissa McCarthy walks in after few seconds]

Melissa McCarthy: Happy Mother’s Day and thanks to all. Thanks to all the great kids for letting us be your mom. Now, read this part with me.

Melissa McCarthy and Joen: We have got a great show. HEIM is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Lester Holt Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Lester Holt… Michael Che

Paul Ryan… Mikey day

[Starts with message video]

Male voice: We now return to NBC ‘Nightly News’ and part two of Lester Holt’s interview with president Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Lester Holt in the interview.]

Lester Holt: Hello, Mr. President. I know you’re a busy man, so, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me here, Jazz Man. Before we begin, I just need to know that I have your undying loyalty.

Lester Holt: You don’t, sir. Now, let’s get started. Clearly, the big story this week is James Comey.

Donald Trump: Okay, well first, all I can just say is that I won the election fair and square, and everyone knows that.

Lester Holt: Yes, Mr. President, you say that literally all the time.

Donald Trump: It’s one of my greatest hits and my fans love when I play the hits. It’s like when you go to a Beyoncé concert, they just wanna hear ‘Single Ladies.’ They wanna hear only ‘Single Ladies’, not that ‘Sandcastles’ crap. Okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, sir. But, back to James Comey. Your staff is insisting all week that you didn’t fire him because of the Russian investigation.

Donald Trump: No, I did.

Lester Holt: Wait, what?

Donald Trump: I fired him because of Russia. I thought, “He is investigating Russia. I don’t like that, I should fire him.”

Lester Holt: And you are just admitting that?

Donald Trump: Uh-huh.

Lester Holt: But that’s obstruction of justice.

Donald Trump: Sure. Okay.

Lester Holt: Wait, so, [talking to his team] did I get him? Is this all over? Oh, no I didn’t? Nothing matters? Absolutely nothing matters anymore?

Donald Trump: That’s right. Nothing’s going to stop me because I have the republicans in the palm of my hand. Look at this.

[Donald Trump rings a small bell]

[Paul Ryan enters in a chef dress]

Paul Ryan: You called for ice cream, sir. Here’s two scoops.

[Paul Ryan passes a plate of ice cream to Donald Trump]

Lester Holt: Paul Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Yes, sir. I am so excited to be working with president Trump on an agenda that benefits–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Beat it, nerd. Just get the hell out of here, okay?

Paul Ryan: Whatever you say, Mr. Trump. He feeds me dog food.

[Paul Ryan leaves]

Lester Holt: Mr. President, let’s move on. After this week, many are drawing comparisons between you and Richard Nixon.

Donald Trump: No, no. I am nothing like Nixon because I am not a crook. Okay? Plus, I bet Nixon only got one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I get two scoops. Two scoops. Two scoops, okay?

Lester Holt: Of course, Mr. President. You are also very different from Nixon because he won the popular vote.

Donald Trump: Listen, O.J., you are being very mean. You don’t ask me about all the good things I did this week. For example, on Tuesday, I let Kellyanne out of her Crypt. Also, I invented a new phrase. Have you heard it? It’s called ‘Priming the pump.’

Lester Holt: You didn’t invent that, sir. That’s a very famous economic phrase.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not. It’s when I talk to myself about a half hour before Melania comes in so she can find it easily. Okay?

Lester Holt: [disgusted] Ew! That is not what ‘Priming the Pump’ means. And you have just earned yourself and Anderson Cooper eye roll. Andy, take it away.

[Anderson Cooper appears in a small box at left bottom corner of the screen. He does the eye roll.]

Thanks Coop. Now, Mr. President, on Thursday you tweeted that James Comey better hope you don’t have tapes of your private conversation. Did you secretly tape him?

Donald Trump: Listen, Kenan, I don’t know. Practically, I tape a lot of people. I tape whoever I want, whatever I want. Some people have called me a serial tapist. And it’s sure, I am. When you’re president, they let you do it.

Lester Holt: Okay, moving on. A lot of people are worried about who you will replace James Comey with at FBI. Can you reassure us all that you’re not gonna pick someone crazy like judge Judy?

Donald Trump: I can promise you this right now, whoever I choose is going to be so bonkers, you’re gonna wish like it was Judge Judy, okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, Mr. Trump, are you trolling us? Because this week, you also met with the Russian Ambassador in the oval office. You must have known the optics that would be terrible.

Donald Trump: Come on! Do you think I care about optics? Look at me. I sit on every chair like it’s a toilet. Okay?

Lester Holt: It’s a good point, sir. But in the future, can you stop and think about the optics? Because every single day, it’s something nuts. Your presidency is like the craziest show on TV and it’s on 24 hours a day, and we can’t keep up.

Donald Trump: Well, too bad because this show is gonna run for eight years. Okay? Even though it should have been canceled months ago, but don’t worry. We have plenty of fun plot twists coming up. A lot of your favorite characters will be coming back. Kim Jung-Un, Carter Page, even that psycho Steve Miller, okay? Also, I don’t want to give away too much. But in an up coming episode, we will find it if Kellyanne has been dead this whole time. Okay?

Lester Holt: Well, thank you for being here sir. On behalf of every, I just wanna say I can’t believe you are president.

Donald Trump: I feel you, Tupac.  And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Kyle and Leslie

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle Mooney walking in the streets]

Kyle narrating: I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted very long. And even now that I’ve found my soulmate, it’s taken work to keep that connection solid. And I think that’s kind of where Leslie and I are right now. We got a lot of work to do.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Leslie is getting ready.]

Leslie: Okay, babe, I gotta go to this photoshoot thing.

Kyle: Okay. Do you know when you’ll be back?

Leslie: I don’t know. Later. Gotta go.

[Leslie walks out]

Kyle: I love you baby.

Kyle narrating: I mean there have definitely been some wonderful moments. Um, we had little wedding thing with everyone which was amazing. [Cut to video clip of Kyle and Leslie getting married and all their colleagues are dancing]

Kyle: It’s official we’re married!

Kyle narrating: You know, I remember when my parents came into my room when I was nine. And they told me that they were getting a divorce. And I don’t want that to happen to me and Leslie. And I definitely don’t that to happen to our kid. Little Lorne.

[Cut to Kyle getting his son to sleep]

Kyle: Goodnight, bud.

Leslie narrating: I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I love my family, okay? I’m just busy. The show, movies, interviews, stand up. It’s a lot. And Kyle, he’s not busy. He’s barely on the show. And what has he done in the last year? “Neighbors 2”? Come on, man!

Kyle narrating: So many people come up to me and they’re like, “Hey, were you in Neighbors 2?” And I’m like, “Yes!” Awesome!

[Cut to Kyle talking in the studio with their son]

Kyle: Hey, can we talk?

Leslie: [whispering] Hey, what are you doing here? I am rehearsing.

Kyle: Why didn’t come home last night?

Leslie: It got late. I was writing, I slept at the office.

Kyle: With Colin?

Leslie: Oh, my god! Yes, but you know it’s not like that.

Kyle: Baby, I think we need to get help. I really do.

Leslie: Oh my god! Kyle, I’m not having this conversation with you right now.

Kyle: Fine. Okay. Just don’t forget tomorrow is little Lorne’s recital and you promised you wouldn’t miss it.

Leslie: I know. I will be there.

[Leslie walks towards her work]

Leslie narrating: Kyle’s been trying to get us to see someone to talk to about our problems. I don’t need someone telling me how to live my life.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie sitting on a couch. Kyle is holding Leslie’s hand.]

Kyle: Okay, I guess I’ll start. I cry after sex. I love her. It’s an emotional experience for me so I cry.

Leslie: And I feel that makes him a little bitch.

[Cut to Melissa McCarthy listening to them not knowing how to respond.]

Melissa: Guys, I don’t want to know this stuff. I just want to memorize my lines.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie in hallway]

Leslie: Well, I gotta work late tonight, okay? I’ll see you later.

[Leslie walks away]

Kyle: Bye, Leslie.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, tonight is the big recital. I’m actually pretty nervous but Little Lorne will be great. I’m a proud dad.

[Cut to Little Lorne playing piano on. Kyle is watching his son, but he is also waiting for Leslie on way in.]

[audience cheer for Little Lorne.]

[Leslie and Colin run in late]

Leslie: Oh my god! Did we miss it?

Colin: I’m so sorry. We were working on a script and got carried away. It’s my fault.

[Kyle runs to them]

Kyle: [bleep] you, Colin! [Kyle pulls out a gun and shoots at Colin’s leg]

[Everyone is running. Lorne Michaels is looking at the panic.]

Lorne narrating: I don’t usually support caste members shooting each other, but I mean, Colin can be annoying.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie narrating ]

Kyle: Well, it’s been a pretty crazy week. Colin ended up surviving which is awesome.

Leslie: And you know what else survived? Our love.

Kyle: Also, we’re having another baby. And we’re gonna name him Weekend…

Leslie: Update!

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’

First Birthday

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa McCarthy

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]

Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.

Sasheer: Great party, Jen.

Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.

Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.

Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?

All: Yes, your animal.

Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.

Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.

Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.

Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.

Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.

Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.

Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.

Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?

[women laughing]

Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.

Leslie: My thing is angels.

Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.

Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.

Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?

Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.

Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.

Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.

Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.

[All women start making their animal sound]

Leslie: I’m an angel!

[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]

Sasheer: Welcome, sister.

Leslie: I love you pin.

Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!

Film Panel

Vanessa Bayer

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Gay Fontaine… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Vanessa in her set]

Vanessa: Hello everyone, and welcome to Film Society of Lincoln center. Today’s panel is on the seat of women in film. I’m joined by two of today’s most sought after leading ladies., please welcome Marion Cotillard and Lupita Nyong’o.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour. Hello.

Lupita Nyong’o: Very pretty to be here.

Vanessa: And we are honored to be joined by two film legends. First, a Hollywood icon Oscar nominee and would be victim of the black Dalia killer, the incomparable Debetter Goldry.

Debette Goldry: Debette? Debette Goldry? Is she still alive? Oh, wait, that’s me. Oh, happy spring.

Vanessa: And next to her is the silver screen siren who holds the record for most on screen love scenes at over 400. Please welcome the legendary Gay Fontaine.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, well, thank you for having booze.

Vanessa: We don’t have any alcohol.

Gay Fontaine: Alright, well, I will tell the same thing I told Richard Burton. Make it quick.

Vanessa: Hey, let’s talk about the current state of women in Hollywood.

Marion Cotillard: We must change who we are to please others.

Lupita Nyong’o: We must change our preferences to be considered agreeable.

Debette Goldry: We must remove our molars to make our faces less polish.

Gay Fontaine: Thanks Finkletown, baby.

Vanessa: I’m sorry, you did what?

Debette Goldry: Look at it. Back then, if you wanted to be a star, you had to lose a couple of bones.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, yeah, one time a producer came up to the two of us and he said, “If you remove half your ribs, I will put you in our movie.”

Marion Cotillard: My god, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: We removed half of our ribs.

Gay Fontaine: And he put us in his movie.

Debette Goldry: [holding her breasts] These are my lungs.

Vanessa: Okay. So, everybody started somewhere. What were your very first jobs in Hollywood?

Marion Cotillard: I had small parts on TV shows like Islander.

Lupita Nyong’o: I actually started in production before I went to Yale drama.

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow, yeah. My first job was as a grip.

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, like lighting?

Debette Goldry: Oh, no, no. A grip. [gesturing like she’s holding something]

Marion Cotillard: That’s terrible.

Debette Goldry: It’s Awful judgy for someone named Marriott Courtyard.

Vanessa: So, it can be harder for actresses to get the same respect as male costars.

Gay Fontaine: You said it, sister. We were in a film where they credited us as a woman number two and woman number there.

Debette Goldry: There were only two women in the film.

Vanessa: What are some parts that you played that defied gender roles?

Lupita Nyong’o: Well, I think people were surprised to see me as an alien in ‘Star Wars.’

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow. Good for you little Peter. You know, Gay here was the first woman to fire a gun on screen.

Gay Fontaine: Now, it wasn’t in the script. It’s just that people have limits.

Debette Goldry: And for me, I was in the Sound of Music.

Gay Fontaine: What? No, you weren’t!

Debette Goldry: Oh, wait. You’re right. No, I was married to a Nazi. Sorry.

Vanessa: So, um, as actresses, you worked long days on set. How do you unwind your days off?

Debette Goldry: Oh. I’d go visit my little sister. Wink, wink. It’s my daughter.

Gay Fontaine: Oh, boy. Does she hate you?

Debette Goldry: She sure does. Happy Mother’s Day, sis.

Vanessa: Let’s pivot a little aside from your work in films. You have been the basis of major ad campaigns. How do you choose which brands to work with?

Marion Cotillard: Well, I only work with companies that empower women.

Debette Goldry: Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s too. Me and Gay were spokes models for American Lead paint.

Gay Fontaine: Now, with more lead.

Debette Goldry: We did a whistle stop tour all around the country to promote it.

Gay Fontaine: And in every stop, we would drink a little bit of lead paint.

Debette Goldry: Just to see how safe it was.

Gay Fontaine: We did great gig. It paid off my bookies.

Debette Goldry: And now I can see the future.

Vanessa: Well, it looks like we are running out of time.

Gay Fontaine: Well, you know what that means. Girls, down the ratch!

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine pulls out lead paint]

Debette Goldry: Okay. We’ve got read or white. Who want’s what?

[Debette Goldry and Gay Fontaine starts eating the paint]

Amazon Echo

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with an old man looking in the mirror in his house]

Male voice: The new Amazon Echo has everyone asking Alexa for help.

Kenan: Alexa, what time is it? What the hell is wrong with this blasted thing? Amanda!

Male voice: But the latest technology isn’t always easy to use for people of a certain age.

Kenan: These kids have bought me a busted machine again. Odessa!

Male voice: That’s why, Amazon partnered with AARP to present the new Amazon Echo Silver. The only smart speaker designed specifically to be used by the greatest generation. It’s super loud and responds to any name even remotely close to Alexa. So they can find out the weather.

[Cut to Kate sitting in a couch]

Kate: Allegra! What is the weather outside?

Alexa: It is 74 degrees and sunny.

Kate: Huh?

Alexa: It is 74 degrees and sunny.

Kate: Where?

Alexa: Outside.

Kate: What about it?

Alexa: The temperature outside is 74 degrees and sunny.

Kate: I don’t know about that.

Male: The latest in sports.

Kenan: Collessa, how many did ol Satchel strike out last night?

Alexa: Satchel Page died in 1982.

Kenan: Yeah. How many he get?

Alexa: Satchel Page is dead.

Kenan: Whatnow?

Alexa: Died!

Kenan: Who did?

Alexa: Satchel Page.

Kenan: I don’t know about that.

Male voice: Even local news and pop culture.

Leslie: Anita! What them boys up to across the street?

Alexa: They are just playing.

Leslie: They what now?

Alexa: They are just playing.

Leslie: You say they’re just playing now?

Alexa: Yes, they are just plying.

Leslie: I don’t know about that.

Male voice: Pair to smart devices like your thermostat.

Kate: Allesandra, turn the heat up.

Alexa: The room is already 100 degrees.

Kate: Are you trying to kill me, Alexandra?

Male voice: The new Amazon Echo Silver plays all the music they loved when they were young.

Kyle: Angela, play black jazz.

Alexa: Play, uh… Jazz.

[music playing]

Male voice: It also has a quick scan feature to help them find things.

Aidy: Elelia, where did I put the phone?

Alexa: Ugh! The phone is in your right hand.

Male voice: And it has an ‘Uh-huh’ feature for long rambling stories.

Kenan: So then I gave him five dollars. And he said, “I only gave him one dollar.”

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: I said I know I gave you a five.

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: Cause I only had a five and one on me.

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: And this is the one right here. [showing five dollars]

Alexa: Uh-huh.

Kenan: So, I mean, you tell me who is crazy.

Male voice: Amazon Echo Silver. Get your’s today. I said get your’s today! To order Amazon Echo Silver, send a check or money order to Amazon.com right now.

Where in the World Is Kellyanne Conway?

Sasheer Zamata

Patrick Silva

Stephanie Malolo

Greg Lee

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: The following game show is brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And by viewers like you.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Sasheer at her desk]

Sasheer: She hasn’t been seen in weeks. No one knows where she is or what she’s up to. Gum Shoes, your mission today is to answer this question.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

[Cut to guys singing melody]

Chris: [singing] Used to be on TV on like, every single panel

one day we all woke up but she was no longer there
what could have happened? She is not on any channels
tell me where in the world is–

Kenan: Kellyanne Conway!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Let’s meet the Gum Shoes who can help us find her.

Male voice: He recently took a road trip across the country with his parents. [Patrick runs to his podium] He enjoys television and his friends. Meet Patrick Silva. And [Stephanie runs to her podium] she once saw a lizard at the zoo. She loves computers and lunch. Meet Stephanie Malolo.

Sasheer: I’m here to help them solve the case. It’s ACMI seior agent, Greg Lee.

[Greg Lee walks in]

Greg Lee: Hey, hey! Hey, Gum Shoes. Hope you’re excited. Today’s winner gets a trip for you and your mom to Sacramento. Now, are you guys ready to help us find Kellyanne Conway?

[Patrick and Stephanie look at each other]

Patrick: Well…

Stephanie: We don’t want to find her.

Greg Lee: Okay! Guess, that’s our show. [Melody singers come behind Greg Lee and start singing their melody] Seven weeks in a row and no one wants to find that woman.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This year Weekend Update held a nation wide contest to find a new meteorologist. The winner really amazed us. So, making her live television debut is our own Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn! So, what’s the weather looking like?

Dawn Lazarus: And hello and thank you to you. Let’s have a look in at that weekend. Big sunny skies for you. Let’s pop it all the way next week and yeah, that’s a wow. Pressure’s gonna push it and it’ll come down 10 times.

[Cut to Michael Che looking disappointed]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sorry. What was that?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, I’ll tell ya’. Rain is on that way, but hey, can it hold on for a few more days? Can it? You bet it. The sunny skies will push it away and clouds– [clears throat] Excuse me. That sunny skies will push it away them clouds, starting from Thursday.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t get it, man. You were really good in the audition. But this is very different.

Dawn Lazarus: first time it’s on that cameras and it’s a big nervous one, okay?

Michael Che: Oh, okay. Yeah, I see. So, I think you were saying something about rain on the way? Is that right? Is that true?

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Can you– Can you say more about the rain?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yup. Precipitations is going to have it. And if I’m you, cancel that picnic and get out that umbrella. Whoo! In the map, we got it wet from here all the way in here. And, sky, sky, sky.

Michael Che: Alright, well, we gave that a shot.  Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 5 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House celebrated Cinco De Mayo on Friday by giving away hundreds of free trips to Mexico. [Picture changes to ICE deporting people]

[Cut to Micahel Che. there’s a picture of baseball field at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Major league baseball condemned the unacceptable radical slurs yelled at Orioles outfielder Adam Jones during a game in Boston. Because the only pace for racism in baseball is on the hats. [picture changes to Chief Wahoo hat] In total, 34 people were removed from Fenway park. You know how comfortably racist a has to be for 34 strangers to look around and say, “I think I can yell the N word here”?

[Picture changes to Adam Jones and Curt Schilling]

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said he believed that Jones is lying. Come on, Curt, is that really hard to believe? Of course not everybody in Boston is racist. Not everybody in San Francisco is gay. But if Adam Jones said 34 dudes at a Giants’ game yelled “Yas, Queen”, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s actually pretty low for San Francisco.”

[Picture changes to a rifle and Oklahoma state]

Law makers in Oklahoma want to make it legal for gun owners to– Oh, I’m sorry. I think we are getting some breaking news.

[Cut to Weekend Update Break’n Hnews intro]

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather new set]

Dawn Lazarus: God, boy. It’s a major big-big at tropical hurricane. We’re talking yikes and wind.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Dawn, you are back? Why are you back?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Let’s have at that, threeD threeD. Look at wind speeds gat a woosh? And it’s in danger.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Is it even hurricane season right now?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Ha!

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Did you make up a hurricane because you are nervous?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: You bet ya’. And that’s about that your neck in the woods.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though, because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania. [Michael Che laughing]

[picture changes to Penn Station in New York]

A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters, an event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’

Weekend Update on the AHCA

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, this week President Trump started building his wall, a wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare. The house voted to repeal and replace Obamacare and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement. I’m like, “Ah, I’m sure it’s fine.” Then suddenly, I’m dealing with a pre-exiting condition like that UMichael Che album they forced onto our phones. The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physician’s Alliance. Though, it did receive a rare thumbs up from the grim reaper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his people celebrating at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This picture of them celebrating is just so chilling. No minority can see all these old white dudes smiling and think, “Yeah, I think it’s gonna be great news for us.” They look like they just invented sickle cell. [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to American Healthcare Act logo.]

The new republican health bill would allow insurance companies to charge people higher premiums for 240 preexisting conditions. For reference, here is what 240 preexisting conditions look like. [Picture changes to an old white man] Insurance companies even defined pregnancy as a preexisting condition which baffles me because I have tried to convince a woman her pregnancy was preexisting condition and it does not hold up in court.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture American Healthcare Act logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some expect this will hurt republicans the midterm election since it will raise premium with older Americans and not cover people with preexisting conditions. And this is the worst part, the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second you thought it might be? Even the AARP criticized the republican bill saying the rushed changes make a bad bill even worse. It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup too hot’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Australian flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally, dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said the Australia has better healthcare than us. Why don’t we do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuffs from other countries all the time. Why not take working policies? Australia’s like, “Our healthcare system is amazing.” And we’re like, “Yeah, yeah. You got any more of them Hemsworths though?” President Trump said he would be honored to meet with Kim Jung Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who get’s the last pork chop. Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such bad thing. I mean, we finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like, the only person who can deal with my crazy uncle Jeff is my crazy uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together because we can all just enjoy a peaceful thanksgiving dinner while they are in the bathroom measuring.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.[

Colin Jost: President Trump’s re-election campaign has launched a new ad, touting the achievements of his first 100 days in office. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a list video. The list has ‘Gorsuch’, ‘Health care???’, ‘Cake’ and ‘Golf.’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is having a coffee]

Wow! I thought I had more time. Trump will take his first international trip as president this month visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose those three countries after Steve Bannon told a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a priest. And Trump was like, “I gotta meet these guys.”