Tag: Season 44

Weekend Update: Smokery Farms | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Vaneta Starkie… Kate McKinnon

Wylene Starkie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A pig named Picasso– a pig named Picasso who was saved from a slaughter house because it’s ability to paint, has sold it’s paintings for thousands of dollars. Here to comment are the owners of Smokery Farm’s Meat Gift Delivery Service, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie.

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Va Netta: Hi, how are you doing. Hi.

Wylene Starkie: We’re cousins.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Thanks for being here guys.

Wylene Starkie: Well, look Colin. All these amazing animal stories might be heartwarming for y’all, but they’re not great for meat farmers.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: That’s right. People going vegan left and right because of damn internet keep showing people videos with titles like, “Pig teaches deaf dog to bark”.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, or “Chicken reminds man what he loves about his wife”.

Va Netta: You see, every time a cow salutes a veteran, our stocks take a hit.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, yeah, but you do not need to feel guilty with us, because going forward, Smokery Farms will only serve meat from animals that are individually stupid and bad.

Va Netta: That’s right. All our crowd favorite meat gifts are now made from the dumbest, worst, most nothing personalities farm junks.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I don’t think I understand.

Wylene Starkie: Okay, well, we can show you then. [Va Netta brings a basket of variety of meat] [Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Here we go. Oh, wow! Look at all that. Look at that gorgeous stink basket. I will tell you, a lot of meat. And the scent is strong. Now, our veal cutlet, now this is made from a little dud who couldn’t do tricks and he refused his Halloween costume, okay? You are going to feel no guilt when you soak him in milk and feed him to your children.

Va Netta: That’s right. Now, a recent study of 100 chickens, all but one could identify himself in the mirror. We done got that one. His name was Sun Dan and now he’s a nugget. Bon Appetite.

Wylene Starkie: That’s right. [Wylene Starkie smells the meat] Yum, I’m getting hungry. Now, you are going to love our six-ounce filet mignon. Now, that’s from a cow who hit a kid in the weiner for no reason. No reason at all.

Va Netta: Oh, why don’t you try our lamb chops. These are from lambs who would not stop body shaming the goats. These are bad criminals y’all, but they taste incredible.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Yum! Now, I have got to say that this roast duck was a smart duck who could spell, but the only word it spelled was the R word. When corrected it doubled down hard.

Va Netta: Or why don’t you try our very good apple wood smoked bacon. Here from a little piggy who went to market and held it’s owner at a gunpoint.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: That doesn’t sound like something an animal would do.

Va Netta: You like meat, Colin?

Wylene Starkie: Colin, you are a big meat boy, Colin?

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie moves the basket of met near Colin]

Colin Jost: Not close, no. I would not say I’m a big meat boy, but I eat meat. Like meat.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: I think we got a big meat boy in the house. Then your mouth must be watering for dumb, mean, bad and worthless animals.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: It kind of is now, yeah.

Wylene Starkie: We got them fur, baby Colin, okay? At Smokery Farms. They’re the bad boys who taste so dang good.

Colin Jost: Va Netta and Wylene Starkie, everyone.

Weekend Update: Michael Cohen’s Congressional Testimony | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat stuck in a hole at the left top corner of the screen] Okay, this is weird, but did you guys see this picture online of a chubby sewer rat that got stuck in a manhole? It’s this creature that usually seems gross, but under these circumstances, it’s kind of adorable and you almost feel sorry for it. Well, that’s how I felt about watching [Picture changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen testify before congress. Cohen who looks like he shaves in the car, accused the sitting president of fraud, tax evasion, racism and republicans fired back like, “Yes, that’s our guy”. The testimony had so many fun weird details that no one even followed up about. Like how Cohen said that [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Buffalo Bills logo] Trump inflated his net worth by $4 billion in an effort to buy Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Bills? It’s like using a fake ID to get into a [The picture changes to Nickleback band] Nickleback concert. [Picture changes to Michael Cohen at left and Donald Trump at right] Cohen also provide congress of copies of letters threatening Trump’s high schools and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And well, Cohen did not reveal what those scores were. Let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Michael Cohen told congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual. But I am tired of Michael Cohen’s damns in distress routine, “Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.” You stole United State’s presidency. Why are you acting like a bitch now? His voice was not trembling when he was threatening school teachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he was dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave SNL.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Wile Cohen was testifying, President Trump met with North Korean Dictator and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong-Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong-Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the right corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Some people are saying this summit was a big waste of time. Maybe it was, but I learned Kim Jong-Un has a sister. [Zoom in the picture where a young girl is watching Kim Jong-Un from behind] You see her? I don’t know what she does but she is always hiding [Different pictures appear, all with the girl behind Kim Jong-Un] somewhere behind him and it’s adorable as hell. Like a little Korean Where’s Waldo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And then just earlier today, Trump spoke at the C-PAC conference for, I’m not exaggerating, two hours and 20 minutes straight. And it started with Trump coming out and hugging the American flag like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump hugging the American flag]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

What the hell was that? And then after that, patriotic me too moment, it somehow got crazier from there, here’s just a taste.

[Cut to Donald Trump speech]

Donald Trump: Our country is in big trouble, folks, because we have to get it back. Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television, darling. The Attorney General says, “I’m going to rescue myself.” And I’m in the White House and I was lonely. I said, “Let’s go to Iraq”. So I met generals I don’t know. General one, general two, general three. I said, “What’s your name?” “Sir, my name is Raisin”. What the hell kind of a name—I said, “Raisin like the fruit?” $7 trillion and we have to fly in with no lights. Please get us e-mails! Please! I’m going to regret this speech.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, at least he’s self-aware. Anyway, if you were curious, Trump’s really handling the Cohen testimony really well.

Legal Shark Tank | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Janine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Alan Dreshowitz… John Mulaney Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Robert Kraft… Beck Bennett

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for ‘Shark Tank: Legal Edition’ where celebrities in legal trouble make their case to see if any of our sharks will represent them. [Cut to the legal sharks] First let’s meet our legal sharks. He’s a porn lawyer who might just run for president, [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Sorry for being nervous. [confident and smiling] I hate being on TV.

Narrator: Former prosecutor and current fox news Banshee, [Cut to Janine Pirro] Janine Pirro.

Janine Pirro:  When I walk into the room, all the house plants die.

Narrator: The scourge of Martha’s vineyard, [Cut to Alan Dreshowitz] Alan Dreshowitz.

Alan Dreshowitz: After I started defending Trump, no one invites me to parties anymore. I wish I could go back to defending good people like O.J.

Narrator: And the man, the myth, the leper, [Cut to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani: Don’t feed me after midnight or it’s Gremlin city.

Narrator: Both our guest sharks for tonight, Jingle based attorney Cellino and Barnes.

[Cut to Video Bumper]

Cellino and Barnes, Injury Attorneys

Happy to be here on “Shark Tank”

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: And now let’s meet our first troubled celeb [The door opens and Robert Kraft walks in] seeking legal help, New England patriots owner, Robert Kraft.

Robert Kraft: Hello, sharks.

[Cut to the sharks]

Sharks: Hi, Bob. Hey, Bob.

Rudy Giuliani: I already got a good feeling about being this guy. Yeah.

[Cut to Robert Kraft]

Robert Kraft: Sharks, I am currently in some hot water over accusations that I went to the day spa in Florida and got what turned out to be a not so happy ending. I’m also the only person to ever take a private jet straight to a $59 handjob. I’m seeking an attorney who will make sure no one sees the video of my 77 year old pigskin getting tossed around.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: This is a serious charge, Bob. And as you’ve shown, you can’t beat it on your own. [Michael smiles]

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: If you’ll ask me, the real criminal in this story is the immigrant woman who stole that job from a soft, white, American hand.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Okay, now at the risk of Reese Witherspoon blocking me on twitter, I have to say, can’t a billionaire get a Hojo in peace? Let the man have some fun. Also $59 in Palm Beach? I respect the man for getting a great deal.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen Bob, if you pick me, I would happily go on TV, contradict everything you’ve ever said and then add some additional damaging information free of charge. God bless America.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes happy to defend you especially if the spa had a –

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: UP next, the controversial [The door opens and Jussie Smolett enters] star of ‘Empire’, Jussie Smollett.

Jussie Smollett: Hey everyone, you won’t believe this, but I was just attacked outside the studio by Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, is that true?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Are there cameras outside?

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Yes.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Then no, it is not.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: Jussie, why exactly are you here today?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I broke humanity. But if you take my case, I offer spoilers for next season of Empire. I die.

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: Wow! A gay black man lying about an attack. I wrote Fox news fan fiction about this. But I never thought it would come true. I’m recusing myself. Because I am just too turned on.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, you got everything I love in a client. You’re famous, you’re probably guilty, end of list.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys, and even we want justice.

[Ends with outro]

Narrator: Shark tank, legal edition.

To Have and Have Not | Season 44 Episode 14

Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson

Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney

Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]

Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]

Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.

[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]

Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.

[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]

Steve: Why did you do that for?

Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: All right.

[The door knocks. Cut to Lauren comes in again.]

Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: If you want to.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?

[Cut to Steve and Lauren]

Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?

Steve: Yes I do.

Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no. Of course not.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.

[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]

Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]

Steve: Okay, you get out of here.

Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.

Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.

Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.

Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.

Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]

Bodega Bathroom | Season 44 Episode 14

 

John Mulaney…

Carlie… Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Bodega Cat… Kenan Thompson

Cockroaches… Cecily strong, Melissa Villaseñor

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clip of Big Nick’s Bodega store]

[Cut to Chris Redd, John Mulaney and Charlie inside the store]

Chris Redd: Just skills, and do you have a bottle of water?

John Mulaney: Sure. You want it super-hot, or solid block of ice?

Chris Redd: Never mind.

Charlie: Hey man, do you have a bathroom?

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: A what?

[Cut to Chris and Charlie]

Charlie: A bathroom. Like a bathroom I can use.

Chris Redd: Dude, did you just ask to use a bathroom in Bodega?

Charlie: I mean, what? Who cares, it’s an emergency.

[Cut to John Mulaney. John Mulaney shows Charlie the key to the bathroom, chained to a heavy cement block]

John Mulaney: Would you like the key to the bathroom?

[Cut to Chris and Pete]

Chris Redd: Charlie, if you do this I don’t think we can be friends anymore man.

Charlie: Relax dude, it’s just a bathroom. I’m sure it’s fine.

[Cut to John, Chris and Charlie. Charlie takes the key.]

John Mulaney: And so it shall be. Oh Bodega cat, show this man to the bathroom.

[Cut to Bodega Cat]

Bodega Cat: Make a wish. Hold your breath.

Come with me and you’ll be in a world of zero sanitation

Close your eyes and avoid inhalation

[Bodega Cat opens a door and steps in]

[Cut to cockroaches near a very dirty toilet commode]

Cockraoches: If you want to view, take a look around and view them

All the sticky stuff is fluids

Want to know for sure put a black light to it

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Charlie: Oh my god.

[Cut to Bodega Cat and the cockroaches]

Bodega Cat: That’s right. You’re the first person to use this bathroom that’s not a dog giving birth.

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Chris Redd: Man, what kind of creep would let a bathroom get like this?

[John Mulaney joins]

John Mulaney: I did.

[John Mulaney walks to the cockroaches and bodega cat]

Who can sell you condoms and Arizona ice tea

A loosie cigarettes and plantain chips

The bodega man can

Oh the Bodega man can

The bodega man can cause he mixes lots of pills

And calls the tiger sex pills

Bodega Cat: Who can make a rainbow

With cans of boiled meat

Cockroach: The Oreos are Russian and the ATM’s is Chinese       

Everyone: The Bodega man can

Oh the Bodega man can

Dirty Commode: Enough! [Everyone leaves] The child is mine! He took the key, and now he must pay the ultimate price.

[Cut to Charlie, Chris and Bodega Cat]

Bodega Cat: I’m sorry my son. I cannot protect you any longer.

[Cut to the dirty commode]

Dirty Commode: Oh, come on. Feed me, Seymour. Feed me!

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: Stop!

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Chris Redd: Bodega Virgin Mary candles?

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: That’s right. If no one else will protect the boy, then I will.

And I hope that someday we can erase

The memories of this horrible memory

When he needed a toilet

In a moment of shame

Dirty Commode: If you touch me you’ll understand what’s unhappiness is

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle and the cockroaches: Your worst day has begun

[The dirty commode flies away]

[Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]

Charlie: Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. I think I’ve learned my lesson.

[Charlie tries to give the key back to John]

John Mulaney: Not yet you haven’t.

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle:

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

We’ve got a troubling bathroom for you

Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee

We got an F from the C-D-C

What do you get when you sit on that seat

Swine, HPV and a wave of heat

Where are you at getting desperate like that

The sink is a swimming pool of rats

[Cut to  rat on bathroom sink]

Rat: I don’t like the look of it

[Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]

Chris Redd: Wait, wait, wait ,wait, wait. You got Oompa Loompas in your Bodega.

John Mulaney: Oh, no, those are just sour patch kids that have been in the store so long, they came to life.

Charlie: Hey, listen, here’s your key back mister. I decided not to use your bathroom after all.

John Mulaney: No John Mulaney, don’t you see? It’s yours now. The bathroom, the Bodega. I’m leaving it all to you. You passed the test.

Charlie: But, what will I do with it?

[Bodega cat joins]

Bodega Cat: It’s a Bodega John Mulaney. The possibilities are endless. Because there’s –

525,600 items

525,000 unrelated beings..

525,000 flavors of ramen..

How can we sell you one loose beer

[Everyone starts joining]

There’s shampoo and hot-dogs

And the worst ever cup of coffee
And tampons on the top shelf

There’s a guy who doesn’t work here

[Cut to Beck Bennett smoking and watching football]
Just sitting and watching soccer

[Cut to everyone]
And chargers but they’re only for an iPhone three
And what about flush

that so called flush

just unwrap one

Bodega of Love

What about flush

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Charlie: All right, I’ve decided to drop out of NYU and run this Bodega full time!

[Cut to everyone]

Everybody: Yeah!

Bodega of love,

Bodega of love

 

Cut for Time: Dianne Feinstein Message | Season 44 Episode 14

Senator Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Senator Dianne Feinstein sitting between kids in a classroom]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh-oh. A California Senator Dianne Feinstein. Now, recently, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein walking to the hallway] some of you may have seen a disastrous video of me lecturing school children about the green new deal. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein  with kids in art class] But I want to make things right because I believe children should be heard.

[Cut to the kids]

Kid 1: Senator Feinstein, we want you to support the green new deal.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Okay, and I appreciate that honey. Now, unfortunately, that deal is not very realistic.—

[Cut to Kid 1]

Kid 1: So we’re just going to do noghing?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: No, no. So I have a–

[Cut to Kid 1]

Kid 1: Our planet is dying.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, I see what’s happening. Okay. You’re going to tell me how to do my job. Okay, well, [Cut to Kid 1] I don’t come into your first grade classroom and [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] knock the glue out of your mouth, do I? [Cut to Kid 1 is very sad] So why don’t you stay in your lane [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] and step the fuck off. Okay, I need to do it over. I need to do that off DO. [Retake] You kids like games?

Kids: Yes!

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Yes. Okay, this one is called green new deal. Okay? I’m going to close my eyes, I’m going to hold out my hand, then you kids are going to give me $93 trillion.

[Cut to the kids, silent]

Kid 2: We don’t have any money.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, you don’t? Oh, then we all lose. Ha-ha. Do-over. DO. I need a DO.

[Retake]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You need to take action. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] Climate change is going to severely affect [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] my generation.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, if you’re so concerned, maybe you should run for office.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Fine. I will.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: You know what? Let me be the first to donate to your campaign. [Senator Dianne Feinstein puts her hand in her pocket and acts as if she’s taking some money out, and then shows her middle finger] DO!

[Cut to Kid 3]

Kid 3: Senator. I made you this.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh my goodness. Is that a poster? Well I’m convinced.

[Cut to Kid 3]

Kid 3: Really?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: No.

[Cut to Kid 4]

Kid 4: You’re mean.

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] your dad wishes you were bullied more. Tell him that you piece of [Bleep]. DO. No, don’t do that one.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein facing kids and the teachers]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: You’re the one who puts words on these [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] kid’s mouths, huh?

Heidi Gardner: You mean teaching them?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: How about this? You be the senator, okay? [Senator Dianne Feinstein starts opening her jacket to give it to Heidi] I’ll give you my stupid little senator jacket. Here you go. And I’ll see you [Bleep][Bleep] You should be the senator, bitch. Sorry, DO.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein standing in front of the kids]

I am Dianne Feinstein.

Kids: And we approve this message.

Kid 3: I don’t.

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, why don’t you take your ass home? Oh, no. DO. Try whole thing. [Bleep]

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue | Season 44 Episode 14

[Starts with SNL monologue intro. Band is playing the music.]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. I’m John Mulaney. If this is your first time ever tuning in, I host every week. [laughter] I’m fully kidding. This is only the second time I’ve hosted. I actually was lucky enough to host the show last April. I believe we have a photo. [Cut to picture of April, 2018 calendar] [laughter] [Cut to John Mulaney]Right. Right, it was April. It’s great to be in New York city, because I live in New York and it’s always convenient to be where you live. I was walking down West 13th street the other day. I was coming down West 13th and this couple was walking towards me. And as I walked passed them, they boyfriend said to me, “Hey cool guy.” And then his girlfriend goes, “Aww, that’s mean”. And I experienced both the compliment and the insult in real time. He was like, “Hey cool guy”. I was like, “Hey”. She was like, “That’s mean”. Was like, “Right”.

I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine. That’s true, me, the person you’re looking at. [laughter] I would smell it into my nose. I get a high from it. Hey, quick tip from my experience, doing cocaine will not make your ex-girlfriend get back together with you, but it will make her worry about you, and in the end, what’s the difference? [laughter]

I’m very happily married now. My wife is Jewish. I was raised catholic which you could all tell from the moment I walked down. [laughter] That’s not a big deal. Getting married, Jewish and catholic. Only, a couple of people asked about it. And they were my parents. [laughter] Before we got married, my mother asked me if my wife was going to convert to Catholicism. You’re right to laugh. It’s a stupid question. [laughter] “Oh, I don’t know, mom. Let me go ask. Let me go see if a 29 year old Jewish woman, who doesn’t like any of my suggestions, [laughter] if she would convert to, what was it again? Roman Catholicism?” [laughter] How would I even have that conversation? What? Do I come home with a brochure? And I’m like, “Hey honey, allow me to tell you about an exciting not new organization. Don’t google us”. [laughter] “You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times especially after sex and it was all forced on me at birth? What if you voluntarily signed up for it?”

[Cheers and applause]

My wife and I have a French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. She’s great. [Cheers and applause] She’s got a little flat face. She likes to walk but she can’t walk far because she cannot breathe well by design. [laughter] So we push her around New York in a stroller. That’s absolutely true. And this next story is also absolutely true. My wife was pushing our bulldog, Petunia, in a stroller down 7th Avenue South a few months ago. She’s pushing her down 7th Avenue. My wife gets to 7th Avenue and Leroy street. At 7th Avenue and Leroy street, a car pulls up. Out of the car and steps Woody Allen and Soon Yi Previn. My wife stares at Woody and Soon Yi. Woody and Soon Yi stare at a woman [laughter] pushing a bulldog in a stroller. The four of them stare at each other. And then they all kind of nod as if to say none of this is right. And then they went their separate ways. [laughter]

I personally take the subway a lot in New York. I love the subway, because of the male and female voices that narrate the subway. That man and that woman. The woman who does the subway announcements and her way too loud husband. [laughter] You know the woman is like, “The next stop is Christopher Street”. [Yelling] “Stand clear of the closing door, please!” [laughter] Why are shouting? What are you, in the next room? I asked my friend who works for the city, “Why is it a male voice and a female voice?” He told me, “Because it’s been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice.” Now that’s it’s own American gender nightmare that we don’t have time to get into. But I have to say I trust that woman more. I like how she says subway stops because she always says them like they are little secret. She’s always like, “The next stop is, [pause] Chambers street”. [laughter] “Assaulting an MTA worker!” I wasn’t going to do that. They warn you about that.

Now, there’s also signs in the back of taxi cab that says, “Murdering a taxi driver will get you 25 years in prison”. Oh, okay, I guess I won’t do it. [laughter] That doesn’t happen in any other industry. Not like in restaurants, they’re like, “Your server Michael will be right over. Oh, by the way, killing a waiter in the state of New York is a class 8 felony. I’m going to get you some bread.” [laughter]

There is so many police car sirens in New York. But there is a new type of siren. It’s been around for past two, three years. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s a new siren.  It’s a little faster, and it also has a fun and funky beat. And I think that cops like to use their siren more because they know it sounds fun and they know it sounds funky. You’ve heard the new siren that is like— [making new siren sounds] It’s like there’s a DJ in the back of the patrol car. It sounds like two sirens talking to each other, like–[making new siren sounds, with hand gesturing as if talking to people] [laughter] It’s so fast. Sirens used to be so slow and beautiful. I was watching this old movie on turner classic movies, because I was not an athletic child. And it was a Hitchcock movie called Rope, and at the end of Rope, there’s a gunshot. Bang. And then you hear this old fashioned siren. And it was slow and beautiful. It was like –[making old siren sounds]  It was like an old, gay cat was dying. [laughter] But not a sad death. Not a sad death. He’s lived a full life and he’s surrounded by loved ones and he’s in hospice. He’s in cat hospice. [laughter] And he’s holding hands with a Rabbi and he’s just kind of ––[making old siren sound]

We have a great show. Thomas Rhett is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Alec Baldwin Returns to SNL | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Alec Baldwin at his makeup room. He is getting makeover of Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Tremendous to be here. Just tremendous. [Alec Baldwin wears coat and a wig] My fans love when I play this. But it’s clear something hasn’t changed. [Donald Trump is walking to the stage] The point is, my presidency has been successful. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.