Category:

Dinner Discussion

Will Farrell

Kate McKinnon

Tom… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with few friends having dinner]

Will: No, I’m telling you. This dog eats anything.

Kate: He ate steel wool.

Will: And then he pooped silver for three days.

[laughing]

Tom: That’s insane.

Kate: It’s our life.

[laughing]

Aidy: You know, what’s insane are these roasted carrots. They are so good.

Will: Oh, everything here is good. The New York Times restaurant review raved about this place.

Heidi: You know, speaking of The Times, did any of you guys read that up-ed piece about–

Tom: Honey, no.

Aidy: What? What article are you talking about?

Heidi: The one about Aziz Ansari?

[The lights shut off. Everybody looks scared.]

I’m sorry. We can talk about something else. I was just curious what everyone thought. But–

Will: No. No. Of course. We can, uh– We can talk about it.

Kate: Yeah.

Will: Yeah. I mean, I think we should.

Kenan: We absolutely should.

Kate: Well, it’s come to this. I’ll go first.

Will: [holding Kate’s hand] Are you sure you wanna do this?

Kate: Yes. Yes. I will speak on the topic of [soft voice] Aziz Ansari. I think…

Will: Careful.

Kate: Yes. I- I think that some women…

Aidy: Careful.

Kate: Um, rather, um, some men have a proclivity…

Kenan: Careful.

Kate: Help me.

Kenan: Okay. Sure. Um, well, while I applaud the movement…

Heidi: Watch it.

Kenan: Noted. It’s just that I wonder if maybe we’re setting it back?

Kate: Argh! Careful.

Aidy: Okay. Ah- ah- I feel that powerful men almost always abuse– nope!

Tom: Okay. Um, look. The thing that I keep going back to is it seems like if she wanted to leave…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: She could have just…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: Left.

[The lights turn off again. Will puts his face on his food. Kenan stabs his hand with knife. Aidy cops her hair off. Kate covers her face with curtains. Heidi does black magic and disappears.]

Aidy: Everyone, stop. We can talk about this. We are adults.

Will: Can’t we just go back to the dog? We were happy when we were talking about the dog.

Kate: Honey, the time for talking about the dog is over. We are in a post babe.net universe now and we have to finish what we started. Tom, go.

Tom: Fine. Okay, fine. The #metoo movement– pass.

Will: Okay. Consent. Pass. Dammit!

Kate: Okay. Um, if I were with a woman and she seemed at all uneasy, I would just slow my roles– [takes a bread] are good!

Kenan: Okay. What I think we’re forgetting —

Will: Oh, no.

Kenan: Is the way that this intersects with the issue of–

Will: Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Kenan: Race. [covers his mouth]

All: Nooo!

[different video clips showing the destruction plays]

Will: I can’t do this anymore. We have to talk about something else.

All: Yes. Thank you.

Kenan: Yes. Something less controversial.

Kate: Okay. Shape of Water had problems, right?

[They all get confused again]

Tom: Hey, where’s my wife?

Commercial Shoot

Director… Alex Moffat

Donna… Kate McKinnon

Dan… Will Farrell

[Starts with an old couple getting ready to shoot a coomercial]

Director: Alright. You two ready to make a commercial?

Donna: Well, we’re not actors. We will do our best.

Dan: I eat this chicken pot pie fives times a week. On the weekends, I eat beef.

Director: Well, that’s great. Um, we wanted to show real Dickenson’s customers showing real enthusiasm for good home cooking. You guys feel ready for a take?

Donna: Well, Dan has all the lines. Dan, are you ready?

Dan: Um, give me the line one more time.

Director: Sure. The line is, “Baked in a crispy pastry crust.” Okay? One more time. It’s, “Baked in a crispy pastry crust.” And action.

[Director walks out]

Dan: Baked in a crusty pasty crisp. Uh! Crips. [another take] Baked in a cruppety flasty puff. [another take] Baked in a crispy pastry flam.

Donna: Curst, Dan!

Director: Okay. Cut.

Dan: Did I do it?

Donna: God! No, Dan.

Dan: What did I say?

[Director walks in]

Donna: The wrong thing, Dan.

Director: Okay. No worries there. I know it’s a bit of a tongue twister.

Dan: Say it again.

Director: Sure. It’s, “Baked in a crispy pastry crust.”

Dan: Baked in a– okay. Got it.

Donna: You wanna say the whole thing?

Dan: Crispy pastry crust. Got it.

Director: Great. Kells, we’ll just do a couple in a row. And action.

[Director walks out]

Dan: Baked in a flaky baken bread.

Donna: Pastry, Dan.

[another take]

Dan: Baked in a christy crusty turd.

Donna: Dan! Crispy!

[another take]

Dan: Baked in bust in my buttery body bust. [another take] Baked on my crabby butt. [another cut] Baked in my bra and ass.

Donna: Oh my god! Baked in a crispy pastry crust.

Dan: I got it!

Donna: Say it with me. Crispy.

Dan: Crispy.

Donna: Pastry.

Dan: Pastry.

Donna: Crust.

Dan: Crust.

Director: Action.

Dan: Nobody beats the wiz.

Donna: Crispy, Dan! Oh, my god! How hard could it be? I should say the line.

Dan: Okay.

Donna: Baked in a crispy pastry crust.

Director: Okay, Donna, you go for a take. And action.

Donna: Baked in a cruspy cranty crage.

Dan: Donna?

[another take]

Donna: Baked in a Dan–

Dan: Ah!

[another take]

Donna: Baked in a finga-ringa-ringa.

Dan: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donna: Oh, my god. Baked in a freaky licky underplay.

Director: Cut. Okay.

[Director walks in]

Donna: Why can’t we say the line?

Dan: We raised five boys and some girls. Why can’t we say the line?

Donna: Okay. How about we do an easier line? Try yummy pot pie.

Dan: Oh, we can do that, right Donna? Yummy pot pie.

Director: Great. And action.

[Director walks out]

Dan: Baked in a kissy cat puss.

Donna: Bakey bussy buss.

Director: Yummy pot pie.

Dan: Right. Right. Right. Yummy sure.

Donna: Pee in a pie. What was it?

Dan: Yummy pot pie. Yummy pot pie.

Donna: Yummy pot pie. Yummy pot pie.

Dan: I love you.

Donna: I love you.

Donna and Dan: Yatsy ISIS queev. Oh!

Director: Okay. Cut. [Director walks in] Um, you know what? I think we got it.

[Director walks out]

[Cut to the commercial. Donna and Dan are sitting in the restarutant.]

Male voice: Dickenson’s Roadside Diner.

Donna and Dan: Baked in a Dan.

[The End]

Chucky Lee Byrd

Glen…Beck Bennett

Johanne… Kate McKinnon

Chucky… Will Farrell

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement.

[Cut to Glen and Johanne in their set]

Glen: Who can forget the 1950s?

Johanne: Soda shops. Hula-hoops. Drive in movies.

Glen: Jim Crow. Drag racing. And of course the birth of rock n’ roll music. Right Johanne?

Johanne: That’s right, Glen. And if you’re gonna talk about rock n’ roll, you gotta talk about the incomparable Chucky Lee Byrd.

Glen: That’s right. We are proud to bring you for the first time anywhere, this five discs box set from the poet of teen love himself. Chucky Lee Byrd.

Johanne: Now, you can relive that glorious time in music with this rare compilation.

Glen: We promise, you can’t find these jams anywhere else.

Johanne: It’s like, “Beauty Queen.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video]

[music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She’s my little beauty queen
And she’s only 17
but she’s my beautiful
beautiful beauty queen

Glen: And the “Candy Baby.”

Chucky: She’s my candy baby,
she’s my candy baby,

and she’s sugar sweet and clean
what should I get her for her sweet 16
whooo

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Johanne: Huh?

Glen: You said it, Johanne. This collection will bring you back to a simpler time in music. A time of innocence, purity.

Johanne: Right. Timeless classics like, “Farmer Girl.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video]

[music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She grows corn, she grows bean
my daddy hates me coz she’s only 14
14, 14, 14, that’s her age
she’s 14

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Glen: And who could forget about Chucky’s classic ode to muscle car.

Johanne: Okay, cars. Thank god.

Glen: “My new T-Bird.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video]

[music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She purrs so fine, she’s fresh off the line
I wanna make her mine, and this song’s about a girl who’s 13, 13
Okay, she’s 12

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Johanne: Okay. That’s insane.

Glen: You bet it’s insane. Never before have all these hits been compiled and rereleased on one collection until now.

Johanne: No, Glen. I mean the songs. The songs are insane. They’re all about loving teenage girls.

Glen: Well, they don’t call him ‘the poet of teen love’ for nothing, Johanne.

Johanne: Okay. But doesn’t he seem pretty old?

Glen: He is old, Johanne. It’s vintage footage. And folks, if you call right now, we will give you a special bonus disc with some of Chucky’s classic B sides like,  [Cut to old black and white music video with a list of songs.] “Cruising in my windowless van.”

Johanne: “Girl Scout Cookie.”

Glen: “I Left My Heart Across State Lines.”

Johanne: “Simple Girl From Across The Street.”

Glen: “Our Love Is A Crime.” Oh, I see what you’re saying now.

Johanne: “First Day Of School… Ever!”

Glen: “Baby You Can Drive My Car If I’m In The Passenger Seat Because You Only Have A Permit.”

Johanne: “One And One Equals Eleven.” Jesus! Cut back to us now, please. Hah! So, obviously this guy is a pervert and we have to stop the commercial.

Glen: Well, I can’t just bail on him, Johanne. He’s still my grandpa.

Johanne: This is your grandfather? Have you not listened to the songs?

Glen: I mean I just thought it was a different time back then. It was the 80’s.

Johanne: He made these songs in the 1980s? Who makes 50’s rock n’ roll in the 1980s?

Glen: Uh, Billy Joel. Ever heard of him?

Johanne: Yeah. But Billy Joel didn’t make paedophile anthem.

Glen: [yelling] But he’s my grandpa, Johanne.

Female voice: Order Chucky Lee Byrd’s poet of teen love compilation box set today.

Chucky: Call now!

What Even Matters Anymore

Veronica Elders… Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with show’s intro]

Male voice: And now, it’s time to play “What Even Matters Anymore.” With your host, Veronica Elders

[Host walks in to the stage]

Host: Hello, folks. Welcome to “What Even Matters Anymore.” The show where I tell you something our president did or said and you have to tell me does it even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants

Contestants: Hi.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Great. First question. The president of the United States refers to African countries as Poo-poo holes. And says all Hasians have AIDS. Does it even matter anymore?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Um, that’s really bad. That has to matter. Yes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Umm, actually, it does not matter. Zero consequences and everyone just moves on. Next, the president has an extra marital affair with a pornstar right after his wife gives birth to his son. Then he pays the pornstar to shut up. Does it even matter to say he’s evangélico base?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, to evangélicos, of course it matters. It’s against everything that they stand for.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so, but no. They say he’s just repented and they forgive him. And Mike Pence is like, “That’s my dude.” Next, the president fires Robert Mueller, the very man investigating him for treason. Does it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: What? He hasn’t done that yet.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Yeah, but you know, he’s gonna. So, when he does, will it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: I’m gonna say yes, that would matter. That’s a clear line that he’d be crossing.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ooh! So, close. You were right that it would cross a line. But you were wrong to think that it would matter in the least. Republicans will just shake and mumble something about Hillary’s emails.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. But they have a conscience.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Judges, do they have a conscience?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, we checked and they don’t.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: I’m sorry. Is this still part of the game?

[Cut to the host]

Host: It doesn’t even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Are there like, points?

[Cut to the host]

Host: Next question. The president builds a wall but hires illegal immigrants to build it and he accidentally puts an unlocked door every 10 feet. Would that matter?

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Okay, I’m sensing a pattern here. So, I’m just gonna say it would not matter.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to the host. She looks shocked.]

Host: You’re absolutely right, Greg.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: It’s Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think Trump supporters would get mad. But then Trump blurs out, “Chuck Schumer did it,” and everyone believes him. They just believe him.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: But you know that’s not gonna happen, right?

[Cut to the host]

Host: [yelling frustrated] Does it even matter anymore? Fake news. Fake news.

[Cut to 4]

4: Are you okay?

[Cut to the host. She looks frustrated.]

Host: I’m great. Okay. You know what? On our final round, you guys just write down what you think would matter. What do you think would actually lead to any kind of consequences? 10 seconds on the clock. And while you’re writing, I’m just gonna drink.

[Host starts drinking wine off the bottle.]

Alright, what do you guys got?

[Cut to 4]

4: I wrote, “Trump punches pope.” I think that would be like really bad.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Argh. You think so? But a lot of people still hate Catholics. Next?

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Okay, I wrote, “Cancels Olympics because flags are gay.”

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ha-ha-ha. Are you kidding me? He’s his ratings will jump five points. Next.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, I wrote, “Sex tape with Don Jr.” I mean, that would check like, a lot of boxes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so? But FOX News would just report it as “He’s a family man.” Because nothing truly matters. None of it matters.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica?

[Cut to the host, very frustrated.]

Host: It’s Veronica. Veronica Elders.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica, you don’t have to do this.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Yeah. Jessica, we know you’re upset about the way our country’s going but you can’t just like, build a whole game show set and make us pretend to be contestants.

Male Contestant: Even though some of us relish the opportunity to become Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: I’m sorry, guys. It just seems like, nothing matters anymore.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Yeah, we got that from the name of the show and how you keep saying it over and over. But, it’s gonna be okay, Jessica.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. There’s another election in 2018 and democrats have a chance of taking back– oh my god! You’re right. You know what? It doesn’t matter. [Cut to all. 4 is walking away looking frustrated] How does it not matter?

Male Contestant: Ay! At least the stock market is up.

Kate: [yelling] Out! Kenan, you go! Now!

Male Contestant: Alright, well, Kenan will leave, but Bernard will stay.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Well, thanks for watching. As always, the host of tonight’s show gets a hug. Because she really needs it.

[Cut to Kate and Male Contestant]

Kate: Are we supposed to hug you now? Or–?

Host: Yes.

[Kate and Male Contestant walk to the host and hug her.]

Male voice: Thanks for watching “What Even Matters Anymore?” Contestants on the show stay at… oh, oh! Trump Tower. That’s not good. And tonight’s show is sponsored by, “Little Ball.” When you can’t take the news anymore, just crawl up into a little ball and rock yourself to sleep. Goodnight!

Weekend Update- Robert Mueller

Colin Jost

Robert Mueller… Mate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, special council Robert Mueller may have reached a deal with Steve Bannon in exchange for his testimony in the Russia investigation. Here to comment is Robert Mueller.

[Robert Mueller slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Robert Mueller: Oh, hi. Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: Hey. How are you there?

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s me, Robert Mueller.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. You look great.

Robert Mueller: Yeah. Thank you.

Colin Jost: You look great. Thanks for being here.

Robert Mueller: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. I wanted to come out here tonight to assure the American people that our investigation’s progressing smoothly. We’re looking forward to a timely and orderly conclusion.

Colin Jost: That’s great. And, can you give us a sense of where it’s heading?

Robert Mueller: Well, obviously I can’t discuss particulars of an ongoing investigation. But… [Robert Mueller is smiling hard] Yeah. We’re good.

Colin Jost: Really? Really? We good?

Robert Mueller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean… no, no. You just wait. You’ll see.

Colin Jost: So, even with like, the Trump bout it, or–

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re good. We’re good. Situation’s under control. Colin, you got– okay, yeah. You gotta remember, I have actual footage of– no. You know what? I want to tell you so bad. I can’t. I’m not gonna. it’s gonna be fun. Yeah.

Colin Jost: So, then I take it you have nard evidence?

Robert Mueller: Colin, come on. You’re putting me in a weird position. I cannot comment on that. But yeah, big time. I just– oh man! Can I tell them? Ah! I want to tell em’ one thing. Okay. I shouldn’t be– no. Okay, so– yeah. Don Jr., he wrote in his Venmo description, “Russia– ” No! I can’t! Oh! I can’t! It hurts. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, don’t do this. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Oh, my god.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what happens if Trump fires you?

Robert Mueller: He could. That’s a real possibility. But, it’s a little late for that. Cat’s out of the bag. And the bag’s full of, um, how do I say this? Michael Flynn’s wire tap. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Wait. So, you put a wire on Flynn?

Robert Mueller: I can neither confirm nor deny this, Colin. Please. But, if you were to, I don’t know, ask me to bang the desk for if I did.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, bang the desk if– [Robert Mueller bangs the desk] But is it bad? Or–? [Colin Jost bangs the desk few more times] But it’s not like treason bad, right?

Robert Mueller: I don’t know.

[Robert Mueller starts banging the desk here and there.]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s not. Colin, you gotta understand. The guide didn’t leave me a bread crunch here. He left me full loaves. Fresh seven grain loaves straight from panera bread. I’m having a blast, man.

Colin Jost: Well, can you give us any sense of how this all ends?

Robert Mueller: Yes. Okay. Well, let me put it this way. You know how you love the show ‘Lost’? But it never really came together. There was no satisfying ending. Ah! [smiling] This ain’t lost.

Colin Jost: Robert Mueller, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Princes William and Harry

Michael Che

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: President Trump recently cancelled a trip to London with many are saying the royal family’s relationship with president Obama played a factor. Here with an official statement from Buckingham Palace are Prince William and Prince Harry.

[Prince William and Prince Harry slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Prince William: Hello.

Prince Harry: What’s up? Hi, Michael. What’s up, my dog?

[Prince Harry does the gang handshake with Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Okay. Well.

Prince William: Good evening, Michael.

Prince Harry: What’s up?

Michael Che: It’s an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming all the way here from London.

Prince Harry: Yes. Michael, we’d like to apologize. Unfortunately, William’s hair was unable to make it this evening.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: It’s devestating.

Prince William: Oh, bravo! Hilarious. Yes, a bald joke. Yes, buzz the sides this week. Rocking the Bruce Willis look broke the internet.

Prince Harry: No. Bruce Willis shaves it all, man. You’re a British Larry David. It’s not good. Shave it.

Prince William: Okay. You’re speaking of hair, how was the quidditch match, Ron Beasley?

Prince Harry: Ron Beasley? Who’s Ron Beasley?

Prince William: The red head one.

Prince Harry: It’s Ron Weasley.

Prince William: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

Prince Harry: Everyone cares.

Prince William: Nobody knows that.

Prince Harry: It’s Harry Potter. It makes up half of England’s economy. Come on. Just shave it, Will.

Prince William: Okay, just shut up about the hair.

Prince Harry: What hair? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.

Prince William: I love you more.

Prince Harry: Yeah? Alright. Windsor boys.

Prince William: Windsor boys.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Prince William and Prince Harry: Bangers. Match. Hello.

Prince William: It’s a secret handshake, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I saw. Very cool. Hey, before you give your statement, I just want to thank you again for coming to the show.

Prince William: Um, of course, Michael. Um, we love American telly. Um, my brother’s fiancé is Meghan Markle. She’s in the American program Suits.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Wednesdays, 8 PM, USA network. Check it out. She’s amazing.

Prince William: Right. Um, the only difference between that show and this is people watch this one.

Prince Harry: Oh! [clapping] Hilarious. What is it that you’re always watching? Wills? What is it? Oh, yeah. Kate’s Handbag. Right? Kate’s Handbag.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha. Right.

Prince Harry: This guy goes shopping with Kate four times a week.

Prince William: She likes hats.

Prince Harry: She loves hats.

Prince William: [to Michael Che] Kate’s my wife.

Michael Che: I know who Kate Middleton is.

Prince William: Beautiful woman.

Michael Che: Yeah. Fine.

Prince William: great mom. Whenever the kids are being fussy and not going to bed, she puts on an episode of Suits and they’re out. Ha-ha.

[Prince Harry puts his pinky finger in his mouth and then inside Prince William’s ear.]

Oh, what are you doing?

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Ouch.

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Stop it. Stop it.

Michael Che: Did you just give him a wet willie?

Prince Harry: Yes. In England, it’s called moist Matthew.

Michael Che: Alright. I feel like I should remind everyone why you’re here which is to address rumors president Trump cancelled his UK trip because your family’s relationship with the Obama’s.

Prince Harry: Yes.

Prince William: Right. [Prince William opens a paper and reads it] Buckingham Palace does not comment on political matters. Thank you and goodbye.

Prince Harry: “Thank you and goodbye,” said William’s hair.

Prince William: Alright, enough.

Michael Che: Prince William and Prince Harry, everybody.

Weekend Update Stormy Daniels

Colin Jost

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, In Touch Weekly released a 5,000 word interview with pornstar Stormy Daniels about an affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump in 2006. Here to comment is Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stormy Daniels: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Yeah, hi, Stormy. How are you?

Stormy Daniels: I’m way fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Now, you’re a kind of unlikely ally for critics of Donald Trump now.

Stormy Daniels: I know. It’s crazy, right? I’m all over Huffington Pollison daily beast. I’m like a liberal hero. Even though I’m a republican pornstar who loves Sarah Palin. Right? Things are so bad right now, they are so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, you also direct porn?

Stormy Daniels: Yeah, Colin. Coz unlike your industry, we actually have female directors. Imagine that? Now, I get it that I’m not what these people in vision their hero would look like, but guess what, America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.

Colin Jost: What does that mean?

Stormy Daniels: Well, okay, okay. Take for instance the still Dacia, right? Alright. When the information about Russia was important enough that somebody wound up dead, but all anybody wanted to talk about was the Russian hookers. That’s why you get me. You get a Stormy. Alright? And when I was hanging out late at night with Donald Trump and Ben Roethlisberger, and the one I trusted to get me home safe was Ben Roethlisberger. And then you guys went and made the other guy president? You get a Stormy. And ladies, when it’s the one year anniversary of the women’s march and y’all are arguing about, who gets to say “me too” and who doesn’t? Well, you get a Stormy. And my hashtag isn’t #TimesUp. It’s #AssUp.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. So, you’re here to teach people a lesson then?

Stormy Daniels: No, no, no, no. I just, I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. But that’s not gonna happen. And I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey, you’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy. And that’s what you get. [pointing at audience] You get a Stormy. And you get a Stormy. Oh, I’m like Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Stormy Daniels: Should I run for president?

Colin Jost: No. No, no. Stormy Daniels, everyone.

Stormy Daniels: I would win. Of course, I would win.

Weekend Update on Unemployment for Black Americans

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump tweeted that unemployment for Black Americans is the lowest ever recorded. Umm, I don’t know, man. I’m pretty sure that before the civil war, black unemployment was at like, zero.

[Picture changes to an urn]

Police in Washington– [laughing] Police in Washington state say that they’re trying to find the owner of an urn full of cremated remains that was donated to a goodwill location. “Um, what did that urn look like?” said an employee who just made coffee.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week mark Chris Christie’s final days as governor of New Jersey. And to honor him– And to honor Christie, pants were worn at full mask.

[Picture changes to a rare shark]

Scientists in Taiwan have caught a rare shark that can extend it’s jaws beyond it’s mouth to swallow large fish in one bite. Officials say the shark is cleaning up in Grindr.

Weekend Update on the Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year. The government shutdown at midnight last night over disagreements over immigration. President Trump has blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Also, why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around 240 years. Maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month to month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. [Picture changes to Kevin Spacey] Even production on House of Cards didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also, in the fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and [Picture changes to Robin Wright] got a female president instead. So, just something to think about. Just an idea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of United States Capitol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. All I wanna know is since the government shutdown, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get pro rated or something like that? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us an eagle or an apple pie or something.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, I was finally able to google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, pornstar Stormy Daniel said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump, he told her she was beautiful and smart just like his daughter. Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a button own conservative christian. Now, he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. I mean, at this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, the worst part about that Stormy Daniels story is that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a pornstar. Clutch my pearls! I thought we’d get some freaky details out of it. I mean, Donald Trump grabs women by vagina as his opener. So, his actual sex must be insane, right? But the craziest thing that we got was that he was spanked with a magazine and he’s afraid of sharks. Well, of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ronny Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical and we have some of those results right here.

EKG: Normal. Blood Pressure: Normal. Urine: Loves it. The doctor said that president Trump also took in-cognitive test and did exceedingly well. But it wasn’t like an IQ test. It was more of a, “Are you okay?” test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain. Because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would have failed that mental exam, it would have ruined everything. People from other countries would be like, “Hey, you’re from America, where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome.”

[Picture changes to a group of people in a protest.]

Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest president Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. Yeah, I support the women’s movement. But it’s kind of hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The first year in office typically ages a president a lot. But here’s Trump a year ago, and here’s Trump now. [showing two pictures of Donald Trump] Not that big of a difference. But let’s see how it has affected the news anchors who have to report on Trump. Here’s Anderson Cooper a year ago. [Picture changes to Anderson Cooper] And here’s Anderson now. [Picture changes to Gandalf]

This also marks the year anniversary of republicans controlling all three branches of government. So, let’s take a look at what they’ve managed to accomplish.

[Cut to a list. The list has only two things, tax bills and government shutdown.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is drinking his coffee.]

Michael Che: That’s it?

[Colin Jost puts his coffee mug down.]

Colin Jost: That’s it. Great. Truly inspiring.

Weekend Update Minister of Loneliness

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of British flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thinking of which, the British government has appointed a minister of loneliness to deal with health problems standing from social isolation. This replaces the current British minister of loneliness, Sam Smith. [Picture changes to Sam Smith.]

Coincidentally, minister of loneliness was also my nickname in middle school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s young photograph]

[Cut to Michael che. there’s a picture of a hand holding a dog lease at right top corner.]

Michael che: I didn’t know you were a lesbian in middle school. A Pennsylvanian man was arrested for walking his dog without wearing any pants. Even worse, he was walking em’ to get more peanut butter.