Category:

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Taco Math

Heidi Gardner

Jessica Chastain

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Heidi: Sure, yeah, holidays are fun, but I’m glad to be back in LA. And I’m ready to kill it this New Year.

Jessica: Well, yeah. I have such a good feeling about 2018. I’ve already started reading a book. My resolution was to expand my mind.

Heidi: Oh, my god! So was mine. I’m like, a week into this brain work app I downloaded. It’s just like, 30 seconds seconds a day a math, 10 seconds of word search, and 20 seconds of shapes. It’s like, one minute a day and I’m already smarter.

Jessica: That’s amazing. Those apps really work.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Hey, ladies, did you decide what you wanted?

Heidi: Um, yes. I’m gonna have a bean tostada and a chicken taco.

Waiter: Okay. Tacos are buy one get one free. So, do you want another taco? It’s free.

Heidi: I mean I might waste it but, okay. I’ll just get another chicken Taco.

Waiter: Okay. And, for you?

Jessica: I’ll have cheese enchilada and a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Okay. You guys could do that deal together then.

Heidi: Wait, what?

Waiter: Um, she could have your taco.

Jessica: [to Heidi] Did you want a beef taco?

Heidi: No, I want it chicken.

Waiter: Yeah. She’d just be getting your beef one for free.

Heidi: But she want it beef.

Jessica: I ordered a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Yeah, yeah. You would get her free taco.

Heidi: Wait, I’m so confused.

Jessica: Me too.

Waiter: You know what? Don’t worry about it. I’ll just put it in.

Heidi: No, wait. Let me think coz I’m trying to use my brain more.

Waiter: Okay. Great.

Heidi: Oh, oh, I get it. But I’m getting two chicken. Are you cool with a chicken taco?

Jessica: That’s like, the one meat I feel bad about. I had a pet chicken when I was little and we were really close. But if I have to…

Waiter: No, you don’t have to. You can still get beef.

Jessica: I’m like, so confused. Wait, I can do this. Hold on. [thinking hard] [to Heidi] Did you want beef?

Heidi: Argh, usually I would, but I ate all this raw hamburger last weekend and I got really sick.

Jessica: Why did you do that?

Heidi: I was like, being funny. But, I mean, I like, literally have been throwing up beef for days. But I mean, I feel bad. I can get beef. I can’t promise I’ll keep it down.

Waiter: No, no, no. You don’t have to get beef. You can still stick with your original chicken.

Heidi: Oh my god, I think I’m gonna need my app for this. [Heidi pulls her phone out of her bag and shows it to Jessica] See, this is it.

Jessica: Aw, cute app.

Heidi: Ha-ha. That’s Cornelia. He brings me my homework but he’s actually pretty cool.

Waiter: Um, ladies, I can just–

Jessica: [interrupting] Excuse me! We got this!

Heidi: Okay. So, the blue square is the chicken taco. And if the red car is the beef taco.

Jessica: Then the free taco would be…

[Heidi and Jessica think hard but can’t figure out.]

Heidi and Jessica: I don’t know what it is.

Waiter: Okay. It’s easy. You’re just getting her free taco. Okay? So, it’s like you never ordered.

Jessica: But I did order. I was here. Did you not write it down?

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi. I couldn’t help but overhear everything you’ve been saying. And I need for it to stop. Okay. I’m gonna pay for all your food, so now, all the tacos are free.

Jessica: No. Only one of them is free.

Heidi: Yeah. So, thank you but this is a private conversation.

Aidy: Oh my god!

[Aidy walks away]

Jessica: You know, we actually might need another minute with the food.

Waiter: Okay. Can I get your drinks? It’s two for one Margaritas.

Heidi: Oh, we can’t drink. We’re performing a surgery after this.

Jessica: Yeah, we’re surgeons.

Waiter: What? You guys are surgeons?

Heidi: Why? You think women can’t be surgeons?

Jessica: Let’s get out of here.

[Heidi and Jessica stand and leave]

Waiter: No, that’s not– that’s not what I said.

Movie Set with Jessica Chastain

Jackie… Leslie Jones

Cynthia… Jessica Chastain

Director… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jackie packing her stuffs in office. Cynthia walks in.]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find somebody else. I quit.

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any male lawyer here. We both do.

Cynthia: You’re kidding. How much less?

Jackie: This much. They mixed me and Tom’s check.

Cynthia: Whoa!

Jackie: Exactly.

Director: Cut!

[It’s a movie shooting. Jackie and Cynthia stop acting. Director walks in.]

Wow! Cynthia, Jackie, all I can say is wow. And that was just the first take? Wow!

Jackie: Thanks, director.

Cynthia: You really thought it was good?

Director: So good. But, can I just twig it a little bit? As we say in the industry, put a little stink on it.

Jackie: Sure. We love notes.

Director: Great! The good news is that I was once an actor too. So I speak your language. I’m of course talking a little show called ‘The Jeffersons.’

Cynthia: That sitcom from the 70s?

Director: Yes. And on that show, we really knew how to get to the emotion of a heart of a scene. There was no question what we were feeling. Let’s try something. [Director walks close to Cynthia] When Jackie tells you that she has quit, this has to rock your world harder than Huey Lewis in all the news. Let me show you what I mean. Jackie, can you feed me that line please?

Jackie: Okay. Find someone else. I quit.

[Director starts overacting. He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.]

Director: You quit? Why? [to Cynthia] Does that make sense, Cynthia?

Cynthia: That seems like a lot. I don’t know.

Director: How to do it? Well, let me show you. Uh, you just jerk your chin back into your neck. And then you bite an imaginary hotdog into four pieces like this.[He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.] And then you say, “You quit? Why?” Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out]

[Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene 12, take two.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And, action!

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, uh, here’s Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Director: Great! Cut!

[Director walks in]

How did it feel?

Cynthia: Career ending. Look, you seem like a nice man, but I’m not sure you have a handle on this material. Who did you play in “The Jefferson?”

Director: Oh, it was the role of a lifetime. I played a tramp who got caught making number twos into a front loading washer at George’s dry cleaners. It was one of those “I learned a lesson” episodes. [Director walks close to Jackie] Now, Jackie, let’s work on your part. When you say, “We all do”, you’re not just talking about the two of you being paid less. That refers to every women in the world. Maybe even on other planets. So, you have to say it loud, long, to let those sound wave really get there. So, tilt back, breathe deep, an a bellow. [loudly] “We all do.” Does that make sense? And also, Cynthia, when you see the check, I need you to look at it at least 40 times, because it’s such a surprise. Like this. [Director repeatedly looks at his hand pretending there’s a check.] Whoa!

Cynthia:  I can’t do this.

Director: Well, you have to trust me on this one. Do you think I would send you out there looking like a fool?

Cynthia: Well, the only credit I know you have is for taking a duke on a Maytag in episode of “the Jeffersons” 40 years ago.

Director: Stop flirting. [laughing and looking around] She started it. You guys are all my witnesses. Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out]

[Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene twelve, take three.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And action.

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any man who works here. [Jackie breathes in, shakes her head a couple of time and speaks loudly.] We all do.

[Jackie gives Cynthia a check to look at]

[Cynthia repeatedly looks and the check and looks away.]

Cynthia: Whoa!

Director: Cut! [Director walks in] Alright! We are getting there. This is going to be a great commercial.

Cynthia: This is not a commercial. It’s a 120 page movie.

Director: Really? Am I on the wrong set? I thought this was for Cottonelle.

Cynthia: Get out here, please.

Jackie: You have to go.

Director: Ay, okay. Alright. Just let me use the Maytag, then I’ll start walking home. Um, does anyone has some spare cottonelle?

Jackie: Ew!

Jessica Chastain Monologue

Jessica Chastain

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Chastain.

[Jessica Chastain walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jessica Chastain: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody, so much. Whoo! It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Whoo! This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. But I never get to do stuff like this because I’m always cast as a strong powerful woman. I usually say lines like, “Take the shot, dammit!” When am I gonna get to play a naggy girlfriend and say something like, “David!”

But I’m really excited to be here, especially today because this weekend is the one year anniversary of the women’s march. [cheers and applause] Yeap! And everyone knows women never forget an anniversary. So, today, hundreds of thousands of people were out there for the cause and they are so, so brave because it’s the worst flu season ever. God bless them.

I wish I could have been there, march alongside them.

[Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon walk in]

Cecily: Hey, we’ll march with you, Jessica.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I’m always wearing practical footwear.

Jessica Chastain: Girls, let’s tell them what’s up.

[music playing]

Girls: [singing] You don’t own me
don’t try to change me in anyway
you don’t own me
don’t try me down coz I never stay

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the audience. She is wearing a pink hat and has made few audiences wear them too.]

Aidy: I got us all P hats. I can’t say the real word coz it’s just one of those many words that only president can use.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: You mean pussy hat?

Aidy: Yes, Leslie.

[Leslie takes one hat and leaves]

[Cut to the stage]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say
and please when I go out with you
don’t put me on display.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk in]

Beck: Hey, guys. We wanna match too.

Pete: Yeah. We love women.

Beck: Don’t say it like that.

Jessica Chastain: That’s so sweet. Thank you for being allies.

Beck: Yeah, totally. Because I believe it’s the man’s role in this situation to just listen. I think that–

Kate: Beck?

Beck: Yeah. Sorry. You don’t need us.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk out]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say

[Heidi Gardner walks in with a slogan board “Nevertheless She Persisted!”]

Heidi: Whoo! Yay! Women’s march!

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa, why are you still dressed up?

Melissa: Look, I’m a proud feminist, but I’m still trying to catch a husband.

[Heidi Gardner and Melissa Villaseñor walk out.]

Jessica Chastain: Ladies, we were strong last year and we’ll be even stronger this year. So, let’s do this, damit!

Girls: [singing] I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
I’ll live my life the way that I want
to say I do whatever I be

Jessica Chastain: We got a great show for you tonight. Troye Sivan is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Google Talk

Summer Childs… Jessica Chastain

Ray Chadman… Alex Moffat

Debbie… Leslie Jones

Bert… Mikey Day

Luke Null

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Ben… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Google Talks video bumper]

Summer: Hello and welcome to another Google Talks. [Cut to Google headquarter. There are many people sitting. Summer is standing as she is speaking] Streaming live across the globe from Google HQ in California. I’m your host Summer Childs. [singing and dancing] Let’s give them something to Google talk about. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. Today’s topic is bullying which I’ll be discussing with the students at our audience and our guest Berkley Sociology professor, Ray Chadman.

Professor: Pleasure to be here.

[Summer takes a seat]

Summer: Now, we asked each member of our audience to write down something they’ve been bullied for. Which our stage manager Debbie is handing me. Thanks Debbie. 14 people said religion. Nine people answered race or ethnicity. Five people said sexual orientation. And one person said Looking like Bart Simpson.

[There is a guy behind Professor whose hair is exactly like Bart Simpson. Yellow and spiky.]

Professor: Yeah. And unfortunately somewhere four out of five of those answers are extremely common. With the rise of social media, attacking others has never been easier. And the most common form of course being simple name calling

Summer: Um, I can relate. People called me nerd before I got like, pretty. Students, save space. What are some of the names that you or someone close to you has been called?

Heidi: Um, white trash.

Luke: Cock!

Mikey: Bart Simpson.

Cecily: Bitch.

Mikey: Real life Bart Simpson.

Melissa: It’s not a name but people like to say, “Go back to your own country.”

Mikey: Yeah. Or people like to say, “Go back to Springfield.” So ignorant.

Kenan: [to Mikey] That might just be you, dude!

Kyle: Hey, you guys feel like trying isn’t cool? Like, if you put effort into something, people are so ready to make fun of you for it?

All: Yes.

Mikey: You guys ever like, say something funny in a group setting and people laugh. But then you hear, “Haa-haa.” And you’re like, “Is that just how someone laughs or did they just do a Nelson from The Simpsons laugh to mess with me?”

Cecily: Again, man. That might just be you.

Mikey: Oh, okay.

Summer: I love how woke it is in here right now. But it’s not just us having this discussion. Everyone streaming this can tweet their questions and comments with the #GoogleTalk2018TopicBullying. Sorry, it’s so long. That’s my bad. Let’s throw it over to Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Thanks Summer. It has been pretty busy over here at my standing desk. We’s got a lots of tweets coming in. This tweet has already 250 likes.

[Cut to a picture meme with Bart Simpson and Mikey’s pictures joined together. There’s written “Ay, Caramba!”]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: So, I don’t speak Spanish but it’s cool that our woke discussion resonates with a lot in community.

Professor: Ha-ha. Let’s just hope the president doesn’t tweet anything at us.

[Everyone laughing]

[Someone does Nelson from Simpson’s “Haa-haa” laughter. Mikey is looking around to find out who.]

Summer: Well, professor, we had our audience write down some questions for you. These are all anonymous, of course. Our first question. If you notice someone laughing at someone, what should you do?

Professor: Um, that’s easy. Tell them to stop in an assertive yet non-violent way.

Cecily: Excuse me, ma’am. Please stop.

[Cut to Debbie who is laughing hard.]

Debbie: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I can’t. I can’t. He got the red shirt on. Like… I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

[Debbie walks out]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bart. Oops! I’m so sorry I called you Bart. What’s your name?

Mikey: Oh, my name is Bert Samson.

Kenan: Your name is Bert Samson? I’m sorry.

Pete: Hey, you don’t have a cow, man.

Summer: Alright, guys. Let’s check in with Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Hey, Summer. Cool news over here at my chairless work area. We have a caller in our Google Talk line who has a question for professor Chadman.

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Alright, caller, you’re on with professor Chadman. What’s your question, Maggie?

[the caller is making noises like Maggie from Simpson]

Professor: Maggie, you there? Oh, I think I get it. That’s funny.

Summer: Well, we need to show you a series of 25 second ads. We’ll be right back with woke discussion after this. [singing and dancing] Let’s Google Talk about sex baby. Sorry, that was dumb.

Fresh Prince

Will Smith… Chris Redd

[Starts with Will Smith rotating on a chair. Music video starting.]

[music playing]

Will Smith: [rapping] In West Philadelphia born and raised
on the playground is where I spent most of my days
when a couple of guys, they were up to no good
started making trouble in my neighborhood

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
she said…

Mom: You’re moving with your aunty and uncle in Bel-Air.”

Will Smith: I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there
the seat of my throne as the prince of Bel-Air

Turns out, the guys I fought weren’t regular thugs
they were a powerful gang running guns and drugs
and because of our fight one went to jail
so they followed me all the way out to Bel-Air

Thug: Let’s go to Bel-Air and kill that nerd!

Will Smith: They barged right through the door, started trashing the place
my uncle Phil got all up in the leader space
He said…

Uncle: Son, I’m a judge, so you better think twice.

Will Smith: Then they beat my uncle Phil with an inch of his life

Uncle: Call somebody. Call the cops.

Will Smith: Car roll, Tim pissed his caceis and snitched me out.

Tim: He’s hiding outside in the poolhouse

Will Smith: So, I got out of there as quick as I can,
laid low in a motel hiding from that gang

Then this lady showed up and here’s what she said

Lady: I’m FBI, you stay here, you’re dead

Will Smith: At that very moment, I was frozen with fear,
she said…

Lady: You wanna stay alive, you got to disappear

Will Smith: Cut to the city morgue where I’m scared and confused
she’s dressing a dead body in my clothes and my shoes
she said she needs my teeth and couple of hair
to make the thugs think the body’s of fresh Prince of Bel-Air

News: The body in the car has been identified as a Philadelphia man who according to friends, enjoyed Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.

Will Smith: I watched my own funeral from behind the tree
I saw my mama cry as they buried me
I said, “Can I just let them know I’m alright?”
She said…

Lady: Now you’re a ghost, say goodnight.

Will Smith: I woke up in the warehouse on a maddow seat
where this scary Japanese male looking at me

Lady: The debt is repaid

Will Smith: The lady said to the man
I asked her, “Yo, what the fuck is happening?”
She said…

Lady: I’m not FBI, but I’m sorry I used you
but my father owes a lot of money to the Yakuza

Will Smith: So all of this was just a crazy ploy?

Man: Silence, worm, now you’re a nobody boy

Will Smith: Didn’t know what that was, didn’t wanna find out
butt they burned off my fingerprints and duck-taped my mouth
then, gunshots and the hits been dropped
the Philly thugs enter holding nines and glocks

Thug: Ay, yo, Philly’s my town..

Will Smith: Said the thug to the man

Thug: Gather up your crew and go back to Japan

Will Smith: The man just smiled and quietly answered

Man: Gentlemen, please teach our guests some manners

Will Smith: Both crews opened up, bullets firing pass through
red head got hit with a shotgun blast
in a shadow stood a man who nobody knew who he was

Thug: Who the hell are you?

Uncle: You can call me the judge

[everybody start shooting at each other.]

Will Smith: Uncle Phil said…

Uncle: You need to get off the grid
you can never go back to the life that you lived

Will Smith: So I crawl on the floor pass the red headed traitor
and her las words were….

Lady: Yo, see you later.

[Uncle Phill gets shot several times]

Will Smith: That’s my story, y’all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down
and if anybody asks, just stay right there
and tell them how I became [Cut to a homeless man] Jasper Mitchell of White Ridge, NH

Doctor’s Orders

Doctor… Jessica Chastain

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Doctor visiting a patient]

Doctor: Well, I have the first good news in weeks. The infection stopped spreading. You’re gonna make a full recovery. We almost lost you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

[emotional happy music playing in the background]

Doctor: I have to say, I am going to miss you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: And I– [Doctor sits on patient’s bed] I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: I know you must have a million thoughts racing through your mind. [Doctor stands and looks away] You are driving me crazy. Every time I look at you, I just want to climb on that bed and make sweet love to you.

Chad: Nice.

[Chad is lowering his patient bad to make it horizontal]

Doctor: But we can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad lifts his patient bed again]

Doctor: I’m your doctor, for god’s sake.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: But I must confess. [Doctor opens her hair bun] I’ve fantasized about lying on your chest as you play with my hair. Talking about our lives. [whispering] Our hopes. Our dreams.

Chad: I peed. [Chad passes Doctor his urine bowl. Doctor takes it and puts it away.]

Doctor: I understand if my argument lacks validity.

Chad: Ha-ha. Titty.

Doctor: But it can never happen. I would be fired for becoming involve with a patient. Is it crazy that I would be willing to risk my entire career to be with you, Chad?

[Doctor turns around. Chad is gone.]

Chad?

[Doctor walks out of the patient’s room. She looks around. Chad is running around on automatic wheelchair.]

Chad, could you please come back here for a moment?

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks in and lies on the bed]

Doctor: As a doctor, I listened to hearts everyday. It’s time I listen to my own. It wants you, Chad. Ooh, god, it’s racing right now.

[Chad is looking at his genitals]

Chad: Yo, is that a zip or herpes?

Doctor: [looking at Chad’s genitals] I think it’s a little ingrown hair.

Chad: Dope!

Doctor: Now, get some sleep, young man. And dream about me. [Doctor leans towards Chad’s ear and whispers] Doctor’s orders.

Chad: Okay.

[Doctor walks to the door, stops and looks behind]

Doctor: And Chad.

[Chad is already sleeping.]

[door knocking]

[Mikey walks in with Chad’s food.]

[to Mikey] You know, I never asked how he got sick?

Mikey: Oh, his friend dared him to eat dog turd.

[Doctor looks at Chad]

Doctor: God, that’s sexy.

Car Hunk

Arie… Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner

Lauren C. …Cecily Strong

Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Car Hunk intro]

Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.

[Cut to Arie. He is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand.]

Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.

[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]

Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Lauren C. walks in.]

Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren B. walks out and Lauren C. takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.

Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.

Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.

Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.

Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?

Jessica: Eating Tide pods.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.

[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?

[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]

Luke: Does it matter?

Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.

Luke: I love that.

Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.

[Melissa walks in.]

Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.

Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.

Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]

Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.

Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.

Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?

Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.

[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]

Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.

Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.

Aidy: You got it.

[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek]

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.

Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.

Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.

Arie: I’ll walk you out.

[The End]

Amazon’s New Headquarters

Jeff Bezos… Kyle Mooney

Jeanine Flanigan… Jessica Chastain

Tommy Geleki… Beck Bennett

Casey Affleck… Mikey Day

Reverand Jeremiah Green… Kenan Thompson

Camelle Lo… Leslie Jones

Shep Pauladinau… Aidy Bryant

Corey Booker… Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jeff Bezos in his Amazon office.]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, are we ready for the presentations?

Alexa: Yes, sir. We are down to twenty cities for our new Amazon headquarters.

Jeff Bezos: Great. The winning city would get 50,000 new jobs and billions of dollars. Alexa, isn’t this exciting?

Alexa: Yes, it is exciting.

Jeff Bezos: And just to make sure, Alexa, who is the richest man in the world?

Alexa: The richest man in the world is Jeff Bezus.

Jeff Bezos: Close enough. Um, let’s begin.

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Boston.

[rock music playing]

[Jeanine Flanigan and Tommy Geleki walk in]

Jeanine Flanigan: Hey, Jeff.

Tommy Geleki: How are you doing, Chief?

Jeanine Flanigan: Thank you for having us, Mr. Bezos. [music stops] My name is Jeanine Flanigan.

Tommy Geleki: And I’m Tommy Geleki.

Jeanine Flanigan: And we are from Boston’s chamber of commerce. We’d like to present you with a pound of Dunken doughnut’s coffee. Dock Roast.

Tommy Geleki: The good stuff.

Jeanine Flanigan: And two tickets to store Centway Park.

Tommy Geleki: Yeah. Upper level. You know, we’re not millennials– millionairs, sorry.

Jeanine Flanigan: Ha-ha. Look, Mr. Bezos, Boston is the best.

Tommy Geleki: The best.

Jeanine Flanigan: I’ll take it, but don’t take it from us. Take it from Oscar winning actor, Mr. Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in]

Casey Affleck: How are you doing?

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey was so excited when he heard Boston was in Amazon headquarter finalist.

Casey Affleck: Yeah. Um, this guy, I guess. I don’t know.

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey, you grew up in Boston. Wouldn’t Amazon love it there?

Casey Affleck: Umm.. yeah. I don’t know. I, um, I live in LA now. Maybe, um– Maybe put your office there.

Tommy Geleki: Oh my god, Casey! Bro!

Casey Affleck: You think you’re better than us?

Tommy Geleki: Okay, okay. Let’s take this outside. Thank you so much, Mr. Bezos. [to Casey Affleck] Are you going to Hollywood, bro?

Jeff Bezos: I like em’. They’re passionate. Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Atlanta.

[Jeremiah, Camelle and Shep walk in]

Jeremiah: Yeah. What’ good, partner? Man, y’all need to come see the A filming. Let’s do the damn thing, man. My name is Reverand Jeremiah Green. And I am here on behalf of the mayor’s office.

Camelle: And I am Camelle Lo from Atlanta’s office of business development.

Shep: And I’m Shep Pauladinau and I’ma be careful what I say.

Jeremiah: Ay, look here, man. Atlanta’s made for business, okay? Airport’s only 20 minutes away from downtown.

Camelle: Two hours with traffic.

Jeremiah: We had Olympics there back in 96.

Camelle: The one with the bomb.

Jeremiah: And you know, Atlanta has these wonderful places where people from all walks of life come together.

Camelle: It’s called the Waffle house.

Jeremiah: Yeah. We ready. So, today, we present you some of the symbols of our city, a can of Coca-Cola and a sandwich from Chipotle.

Shep: And I brought my delicious signature three butter pudding, y’all. It’s the dish that American Heart Association rated ‘doubt’.

Jeremiah: And to show you how much we love Amazon, we give you an Atlanta t-shirt delivered by Amazon drone.

[a drone is flying over them]

Hey! Man, I don’t trust that thing.

Camelle: Oh, hell no. Let’s get out. That’s the police.

Jeremiah: That’s the police.

Camelle: That’s the police.

Jeff Bezos: Um, we’ll be in touch. Um, Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Newark.

[Corey Booker walks in]

Corey Booker: Hello, Mr. Bezos. My name is Corey Booker and I am so proud to be representing Newark, a city on the rise. By the way, I know we’re not getting this at all. And that gives me [yelling in squeaky voice] authentic rage! This is a nice office. Anyway, have a good day. #AuthenticRage.

[Corey Booker walks out]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Miami.

[Melissa and Cecily walk in]

Melissa: Ola, Mr. Bezos. We are from the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Miami. A diverse group of people all living in harmony together. Cubans, Jews, gays.

Cecily: Lizards, bugs, beans, cocaine.

Melissa: And featuring, Pitbull.

[Pitbull walks in]

[music playing]

Pitbull: Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Putbull starts dancing]

Melissa and Cecily: [singing] It is Miami and it is loco
It is Miami and it is loco

Pitbull: Yeah! 2018, Miami. This is all I do. Hah! Hah! Hah! Pitbull, dale!

Melissa: Today, we present you with the tasty pina colada.

Cecily: And a souvenir of our city. Pitbull.

Pitbull: Hah!

Jeff Bezos: He’s all your’s now.

Pitbull: Hah! Pitbull! A-bi-ano-bi! Dale! Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Melissa, Cecily and Pitbull walk out]

Jeff Bezos: Wow, this is a tough decision, Alexa. Who should I choose?

Alexa: I didn’t hear that.

Jeff Bezos: It’s okay. I love you.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.