Category:

Pizza Place

JJ Watt

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with door bell ringing. The delivery guy gets in. Delivery guy and Heidi are standing, waiting for him.]

Delivery guy: Did somebody order an extra large sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, yeah! We sure did.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Is it nice and hot?

Delivery guy: It sure is, ladies. That’ll be 10 bucks.

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, but we don’t have any money.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Yeah, is there any other way we can pay for all the sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Yeah, we’ll do anything.

Delivery guy: I mean, I guess there’s one thing you could do.

[Delivery guy opens his jacked and Heidi and Cecily start touching Delivery guy]

[Cut to two hours later at Big Whillie’s Pizza. Kenan is trying to do the accounts but the calculation isn’t right.]

Kenan: I don’t understand. What is going on? I don’t understand why we not making no money. We getting in plenty of orders. Oh, my goodness! What is–

[Delivery guy walks in Kenan’s office]

Kenan: Ay, where have you been?

Delivery guy: Sorry I’m late, man! I don’t think I can do any more deliveries today.

Kenan: You know what? I’ma have to let you go.

Delivery guy: What? You’re firing me? But why, man?

Kenan: Coz you are terrible. Every delivery takes you an hour and then you need a nap. And more importantly, you ain’t brought back a dime yet.

Delivery guy: That’s not my fault. All the customers don’t have any money.

Kenan: This ain’t no charity. This is a business, son. Did you at least bring the pizza back?

Delivery guy: Well, no. Last time I brought one back, you got mad at me.

Kenan: Well, that’s because it had a giant hole cut out the middle of it. Looked like somebody stuck their arm in the damn thing. I can’t resale that.

Delivery guy: Where is that pizza?

Kenan: Well, I just ate it all myself.

Delivery guy: Oh, god, man! Tell me you didn’t eat that pie.

Kenan: I can’t afford to waste no food! I’m broke! Thanks to you. And there weren’t any sausage on it.

Delivery guy: Well, there was.

[phone ringing]

Kenan: Oh, hang on a second there, son. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, Great Big Willie. Can I take your order? Okay, ma’am. So, you want another extra large sausage for you and your sister to share. Okay. Anything else? Well, he’s being fired right now but I can– hello? Hello? Man, damn phone cut out. Look son, when I met you at that bus station bathroom, you told me that you would do anything to make some quick cash. So, I gave you this job but it just ain’t working out.

Delivery guy: You gotta give me another chance, man! I really, really love this job.

Kenan: Oh, do you? Because you don’t act like it. I mean, did you even shower today?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah, why?

Kenan: Coz you smell like shell fish in karate class. I don’t know what it is but you are ripe.

[phone ringing]

Ay, hold on a second there. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, we come where you ask. Oh, yes ma’am. You want a nice thick meaty sub for your bachelorette party. In fact, I will personally bring it myself. Hello? Hello? We are losing business coz of this damn phone.

Delivery guy: Sir, there’s gotta be something I can do to keep this job. All do anything!

Kenan: Anything?

Delivery guy: Huh?

Kenan: Did you just say you’d do anything to keep this job?

Delivery guy: Um, yeah. I mean, I guess, man!

Kenan: Well, there’s one thing you can do for me.

Delivery guy: Wait a second sir. If you wanna have sex, I’m gonna need like an hour of nap.

Kenan: Have sex? What the hell you talking about?

Delivery guy: Oh, I thought it was like when I trade sex for pizza, man!

Kenan: What? I just wanted you to shoot my father-in-law for me.

Delivery guy: Thank god!

Kenan: So, is that why you never have my money?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah! But I can explain.

Kenan: Get your ass out of my office! Now! You damn sicko!

[Delivery guy leaves]

[phone ringing]

[talking on the phone] Yes, hello, Big Whillie’s Pizza. Look, lady. We ain’t got no more foot long salami. He has been fired! But can I interest you in a respectable middle sized — hello? Hello? Damn phone!

[The End]

Pilot Hunk

Pat… JJ Watt

Hannah T… Cecily Strong

Hannah V… Heidi Gardner

Hannah Bad… Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Pilot Hunk intro]

Male voice: He’s a big boy pilots with 30 sobbing Hannahs to choose from. Tune in to watch him deep kiss the white girl and high five the black girls. This season on “pilot hunk.”

[Cut to Pat]

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat and I make the plane hurry up. I’m a sky boy looking for my fly girl. Let’s bachelor.

[Cut to Pat and Hannah T]

Hannah T: Mmm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about yourself.

Hannah T: I’m Hannah T. I’m 22, and my job is pharma-cute-ical. I sell medicals to the women.

Pat: Oh, I love that. Am I detecting an accent?

Hannah T: Yeah. I’m Jen.

[Hannah V walks in]

Hannah V: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah T leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah V: I am Hannah V. I am 20/30 years old. And I am not cross eyed but that’s the vibe.

Pat: Ha-ha, I love that.

Hannah V: I had so much fun on the lube taste test. I’m a lawyer by the way.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah V leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah Bad: Well, I’m Hannah Bad. And I’m brutally fragile at home. So, here, it’s absolutely the wheels are coming off.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I know the girls told you rumor about me and it is true. I have brown hair. But you should also know that my mouth is a vacuum hoe. Like, [inhales]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah Bad leaves] I like this.

Pat: Ha-ha. Are you excited for our trip?

Kate: Yes, I can’t wait to go to Thailand and scream about how the food is gross in front of the woman how cooked it.

Pat: Ha-ha. Different food is gross.

Kate: Actually, I have something for you. I wrote you a letter. It’s a T. I also know a couple of others but I’m gonna play hard to get.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Watching you play soccer with poor kids made me so horny.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Melissa: Also, it’s my birthday today. I turned 30.

Pat: Oh, happy 30th birthday. [calling guards] Guards!

[The guards take Melissa away]

[Ego walks in]

Ego: Mm, I like this.

Pat: Hey, you.

Ego: You don’t seem surprised to see me. I died last episode.

Pat: Oh, right. What happened?

Ego: I drowned in the shower coz I looked up with my mouth open. They said I could come back if I got alive again. So, I did.

Pat: Thanks for being vulnerable.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Ego leaves]

Pat: Whoa, another one?

Chloe: Something you should know is that family is really important to me. There’s someone I want you to meet.

[Chloe turns around. There’s a face on her back.]

It’s my twin. She’s the fun one.

Pat: Nice! A threesome.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Chloe leaves]

Pat: Wow, your eyes are peeing. What’s wrong?

Kate: [sobbing] Being here is so hard for me because I’m like, really shy. Like, I was blushing so hard at the thong fashion show, I can’t believe I won.

Pat: Oh, yeah. You got a Martial’s gift card.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] [sobbing] I’m having a really hard time because the producers, they confiscated my vitains and they gave me a knife.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I want you to know that I’m not just a party girl. I could also be a wife life, watch me drink champagne.

[Hannah Bad pops a bottle of champagne and pours it all over her breasts.]

Pat: Whoa! I think I’m ready to propose… that you leave.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal? [Hannah Bad leaves] I love dancing to country singers. Chance to be with you today. Um, but I have to tell you something. Um, he and I dated. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: That’s not all. I’ve also date most of the cameramen. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: I’m dating a lot of the girls in the house too.

Pat: Whoa, that’s pretty hot.

Kate: Also, one more thing. I looked it up and I make more money than you.

Pat: You know what? Let me walk you out.

[The End]

Men’s Product

JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffatt

[Starts with clips of JJ Watt working out]

Male voice: I pride myself on being the best. I go with a distance and I push myself to the limit.

JJ Watt: But being the best is also about looking your best. And you can’t look your best when you have tired puffy under eyes. [Cut to JJ Watt wearing black mask under eyes] That’s why I use Olay Eye Black.

Female voice: Oil of Olay introduces the only Eye Black that also reduces puffyness. But it’s manly because it comes in a big black tub.

[Cut to black and white video clip of JJ Watt wearing a helmet while press conference is going on]

JJ Watt: My puffy under eyes used to make me too shy to play football.

News Reporter: JJ, what’s with the puffy eye gab?

[Cut to JJ Watt in the football field wearing Olay Eye Black]

Now I can stop worrying about fine lines and focus on the offensive line.

[Cut to Kenan as an opponent]

Kenan: Yeah, what’s up, punk? Your skin looks amazing!

[JJ Watt throws Kenan down]

JJ Watt: With Olay Eye Black, my skin luminosity is off the charts insane! So easy to use, even guys can do it. You just grip it, rip it and stick it. Beat the hell out of dark circles with Olay Eye Black.

[Cut to Beck looking at the mirror wearing Olay Eye Black]

Beck: This isn’t gay, right?

JJ Watt: It’s just gay enough.

Beck: Cool, either way. What is that smell?

JJ Watt: Jack Daniels, gasoline and a little bit of Matcha Extract.

Beck: Matcha what-a?

JJ Watt: Green tea.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah!

Female voice: Olay Eye Black is part of our all new Olay Bro Skin Line, including Brolay cleanses and scrubs. And now, introducing post strip nose tape.

[Cut to Alex wearing a black tape on his bloody nose]

Alex: Just because your nose is shattered doesn’t mean it should be covered with black heads.

[Alex rips off the tape]

Oh, my god!

Female voice: Oil of Brolay, available at Sephora and Dick’s sporting goods.

Madden 21

JJ Watt

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a recording session in Electronic Arts office.]

Mikey Dad: Okay, Mr. Watt, can you hear me in your headphones?

JJ Watt: Yes, sir.

Mikey Dad: Alright, perfect. Let’s jump in, JJ. Um, you’ve recorded dialogues for the Madden video games before, ya?

JJ Watt: Ya. It’s pretty crazy you guys are already working on Madden 21.

Ego Nwodim: Yep, gotta have it ready for the next NFL season.

Mikey Dad: Yeah, we’re gonna start with some game-play dialog. You’ve got a script right there.

JJ Watt: [showing the script] Awesome! And this is like, the stuff that we do on the field during the game, right?

Mikey Dad: Yep, this section is. So, give it some energy. We’ll play some crowd noise to help get you there. Your lines are numbered. So, you’ll start with line A-1, okay? Let’s do this.

JJ Watt: Alright. [crowd noise playing in the background] [reading the script] Take a seat!

Mikey Dad: Great! Next one down, A-2.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Here comes the boom!

Mikey Dad: Love it. A-3.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Dammit! I couldn’t catch that guy!

Mikey Dad: Okay. Next.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Dang it! He outsported me.

Mikey Dad: Nice. A-5.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Oops!

Mikey Dad: Great! A-6.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Sorry, guys!

Mikey Dad: Awesome! A-7.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Oopsies!

Mikey Dad: Nice! A-8.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Intercept! Oh! Never mind. Dropped it.

Mikey Dad: Perfect. A-9.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Sorry boys. That one’s on me.

Mikey Dad: Nice. A-ten.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Captain clumsy strikes again.

Mikey Dad: And A-eleven.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] God! I suck today!

Mikey Dad: Nice. You are a pro, JJ.

JJ Watt: Thanks, man! But, I mean, it kind of sounds like video game JJ Watt Messes Up a Lot.

Ego Nwodim: No, the designers like to cover all their basis.

JJ Watt: But, like, I do good things too, right? I mean, I’m a top ranked defensive end. Like, I’m good. Is that gross to say?

Mikey Dad: Um, a little bit, yeah. But, um, it’s all good.

Ego Nwodim: So, moving to that next chunk starting with “Y’all see that sack.”

JJ Watt: Oh, fine. I like that one. Here we go.

Mikey Dad: Okay, whenever you’re ready.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Y’all see that sack? I hope our quarterback’s okay. This other team is good!

Mikey Dad: Nice!

JJ Watt: So, on that one, like, was that me on the sidelines watching the other team?

Mikey Dad: Yeah, cuts over to the sidelines, super realistic. Um, moving on.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, this one’s in a way crowd booing you. So, you’re taunting them. Line B-2.

JJ Watt: Alright, this is awesome. I can do this one. Here we go. [reading the script] Go ahead and boo me! At least I’m not on a wheelchair like that little boy right there. [JJ Watt doesn’t like the scripts]

Mikey Dad: Great! We got that one.

JJ Watt: Wait! What? Dude, I would never say that. That’s awful, man!

Mikey Dad: Alright, we’ll flag that one for ya.

JJ Watt: Ya, please flag it. Are you sure these are the same as they did in Madden 21? It feels like they don’t know me, like, at all!

Mikey Dad: Um, I’m sure you can talk to them about any concerns, okay? We are starting at line B-4 now. Stuff you say in the huddle.

JJ Watt: Alright. [reading the script] No one responded to my birthday drinks paperless posts, so I’m probably just gonna cancel like the bitch I am. [getting annoyed] I mean, do other players say stuff like this?

Mikey Dad: Um, each player’s dialogue is written specifically for them. Um, moving on to section C, buddy. Dialog after a win. C-1, whenever you’re ready.

JJ Watt: Alright. [reading the script] That’s how you do it, fellas. Suck on that wheelchair boy! [annoyed] God! I mean, guys, I do not like this wheelchair kid stuff. What is this?

Mikey Dad: Okay. Um, guess we can skip the rest of this section then.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, you got it. Okay, last one for the cut scene at the end of the season.

JJ Watt: Alright. [reading the script] Whoo! I’m going to the Super Bowl, baby! My wife’s company got tickets… [annoyed] Guys! Flag that!

Mikey Dad: We will flag that. Um, we burned through those. Nice. Before you go, you wanna see your Madden 21 avatar?

JJ Watt: Oh, hell yeah!

[A screen shows JJ Watt’s Madden 21 avatar. His face is crooked, his shirt is small and his belly is tucked out of the shirt. He looks ugly.]

What? That’s me? Why is my bellybutton pierced? I don’t have a bellybutton piercing.

Mikey Dad: Um, yeah. Not sure but we’re making notes. And this is your touchdown celebration dance.

[The avatar in the screen is now flush dancing.]

JJ Watt: Well, finally they got something right.

Mikey Dad: Ya.

[The End]

JJ Watt monologue

JJ Watt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, JJ Watt.

[JJ Watt walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

JJ Watt: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is JJ Watt and I play defensive end for Houston, Texans. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. You see, Texans are a football team. Football is a sport with the helmets. I am sorry guys. I didn’t think I needed to explain that, but the writers back stage seemed super confused, so, here you go.

When I found out I was gonna be hosting SNL, I told some of my teammates. And not to fulfill stereotype, but at least half of them asked me, “What day do they tape that?” I mean, dude, it’s Saturday Night Live. How the hell am I supposed to know? I don’t work there.

Football is kind of the family business. I have two brothers who are also in the NFL. Our names are JJ, TJ and for some reason, Dirk. I don’t know if that means my parents loved him more or loved him less, but it definitely means different. My brothers are both big guys too. My mom gave birth to a lineman, a fullback and the linebacker. Yeah, ouch! Right? I know. After that, my dad said they were done having kids but my mom really wanted to try for a kicker. You know, someone she can dress up and buy cute clothes for. I know. I know. I’m sorry.

A lot of people wonder how my brothers and I got so big. And truth be told, guys, it’s just all genetics. You see, my mom comes from a long line of tall men, and my dad is actually Cleatus, the FOX SPORTS robot. Yeah, that’s where my broad shoulders are from.

People always ask my parents, “How did they manage to get three boys into the NFL?” And personally, I think it was the parenting style. For example, if we were ever fighting over Super Nintendo, my mom would take the controller, throw it down to the basement, turn off the lights, blast some Metallica and say, “Whoever brings that back to me gets to play next.” No, it’s not a joke, guys! It’s not a joke. That’s what we did. Why do you think my nose is so messed up?

Now, as we all know, tomorrow is of course, the Super Bowl. [cheers and applause] Guys! Guys! Don’t get too excited. I’m not in it. I didn’t get the part. But, I choose to look on the bright side of things. If I was in the Super Bowl, I probably couldn’t be here hosting tonight. And would I really trade hosting SNL for the Super Bowl? Yes, I definitely would. Actually, I still would. So, if you guys wanna call me, I’ll leave right now. But since that’s not gonna happen, I just wanna say to all the players in the game, congratulations. You guys have truly earned it and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I hope it ends up in a tie.

But I’m in New York city tonight. So, let’s party! We’ve got a great show for you guys lined up. Luke Combs is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open

John Roberts… Mikey Day

Judge Mathis… Kenan Thompson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

John Bolton… Cecily Strong

Hunter Biden… Pete Davidson

Donald J. Trump… Alec Baldwin

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: After a months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is… THE TRIAL YOU WISH HAD HAPPENED!

[Cut to John Roberts in his chair hitting the gavel]

John Roberts: Order! Order in the chamber.

[cheers and applause]

I am Chief Justice John Roberts and I will be overseeing these proceedings with complete dis-interest.

[Judge Mathis walks in]

Judge Mathis: The hell you will be.

John Roberts: Oh! Judge Mathis?

Judge Mathis: That’s right. This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt. Scoot!

John Roberts: Okay, do you want my gavel?

Judge Mathis: Fool! I brought my own. Watch out!

[John Roberts leaves. Judge Mathis sits on the chair.]

Now, we about to do this trial right. Where is that sneaky little Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell walking in the courtroom through the door]

Mitch McConnell: Yes. Hello, I’m a sneaky little Mitch your honor. And I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You mean, until proven guilty.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha-ha. Sure.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. Let’s get Trump’s defense out here. Where is Lindsey Graham?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham walking in the courtroom through the door]

Lindsey Graham: Thank you your honor. [walks straight to a podium] Now, I may be a simple country but I have studied this from top to bottom. And I don’t see any other option.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You studied the case?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: No. I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s skirts and tickle his biscuits. And that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent, or my name is not Lindsey Valery Bobragart Matlock Graham.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: Look, where I come from, we have our own history books and all the cover of T-Rex is having a confederate flag to Jesus. Okay!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. I am done with this nonsense. We are calling witnesses coz that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your ass in here!

[Cut to John Bolton walking in the courtroom through the door]

Judge Mathis: And Mr. Bolton, what do you have to say for yourself?

John Bolton: Your honor. The things I saw president Trump do inside made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And why are you only coming out with this now?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: Coz I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Ooh! Now, this I like! Okay! Come on! Don’t leave me unread. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of your’s?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: No, no! Sorry judge. No more free spoilers. But, you can preorder the book now. It’s called ‘Harry Potter and the room where it happened.

[Mitch McConnell stands up]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, I object. If we’re hearing from John Bolton, we should hear from Hunter Biden too.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Oh, you know I’m calling Hunter Biden too. What do you think? I hate hilarious witnesses? The court calls Hunter Biden.

[Cut to Hunter Biden hoverboarding into the courtroom through the door]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Well, Hunter, thank you for coming.

Hunter Biden: Hey, you’re not gonna believe this but my schedule was wide open.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And how exactly are you mixed up in all of this?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Um, I’m not. The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And what’s your current job?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Oh, I’m on the board of the Brazilian money laundering company called, um, Nepo-tismo.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you admit you only got the job because of your father?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks for my office at the top of Biden tower and letting foreign leader stay. Oh, wait! No, that’s the president’s sons. You burn!

[John Bolton rotates on his hoverboard.]

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, this is ridiculous. He clearly received money in exchange for political influence. Which reminds me,… [music playing] [advertising COAL] Coal, beautiful, clean, the way of the future. This one lump of coal can power a light bulb for almost two minutes.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: And I’d like to do a quick one for guns. [advertising GUNS] Guns, you can’t watch a Super Bowl without a gun.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, there will be no more ads in my courtroom.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Then, your honor, I would like to call three more lawyers on behalf of President Trump.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You, shut up. In this version of the trial, Trump is defending himself. The court calls Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the courtroom with the help of mobility walker]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, now, what is happening here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: President Trump, are you trying to weinstein me right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. President, what is your defense?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: My defense is very simple, your honor. I’m guilty but it ain’t nothing!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, that’s a warning. Do the democrats have a response? Adam Schiff?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. Schiff, are you crying?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. It’s just my gecko eyes have been wide open for 86 straight hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There he goes Schifty Schiff, two shifts to the wind. She shifts, sea Schiff, by the Schifi-gy! I’m sorry. I just had one of my favorite mini-strokes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not having it with the Schiff. I need a real lawyer. Who is around? Where is my cousin Vinny at?

[Cut to Vinny walking in the courtroom. He’s wearing leather jacket and a gold chain.]

Vinny: Hey, your honor. I object to this entire line of questioning!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You object?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: That’s right. You see, There’s no way this guy Trump only met with two yukes.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Um, two what? Did you just say yukes?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: Yeah, two yukes, you know? Two Ukrainians!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: That is too dumb even for this, my cousin Vinny. You can leave. Thank you. President Trump, would you like to make a closing statement?

[Cut to Donald Trump. He’s wearing an enormous afro-hair wig.]

Donald Trump: I would, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Take that Phil Spector wig off.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I actually thought it was an improvement, but fine! Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect. It was illegal. And frankly it was a but dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvanya, Arkansas and West-Virginia. West-Carolina, I’m sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scandals. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it helps me be lazier which I like. What else? Oh, I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad. But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here Mitch!

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re gonna be linked forever, right Mitch?

[music playing]

Mitch McConnell: [singing] What have I done?

Who am I now?

Have I just thrown away all of my dignity

Am I a clown?

[John Bolton and Lindsey Graham walk in]

John Bolton and Lindsey Graham: [singing] That’s insulting to clowns!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, [hits his gavel twice] Judge Mathis finds the defendant guilty on all charges. He is fined $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Palosi.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Fine! Her body is an eight!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: I’ll take it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Frozen 2

Elsa… Kate McKinnon

Anna… Cecily Strong

Kristoff… JJ Watt

Yucob… Kyle Mooney

Yogan… Beck Bennett

Latayas… Kenan Thompson

Olaf… Mikey Day

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: It’s official, Frozon II is coming to digital HD next week. So, you can play it for you kids while you drink a margarita in the bathroom. And you can also order the Frozen II DVD including deleted scenes like this one.

[Cut to Elsa walking in a red forest]

Elsa: Hello. Is anyone there? Anna? Kristoff? Olaf? I’m gay? Is anyone there?

[Anna runs in]

Anna: Elsa!

Elsa: Anna!

Anna: I heard you calling. This enchanted forest is so disorienting.

Elsa: It sure is. I don’t know whether we’re heading north, south, gay or west.

Anna: Did you say gay?

Elsa: No! I’m not anything. You have a fulfilling heterosexual marriage at the age of eighteen and I had to spend two whole movies playing with snow. Both are equal and good. And then, in Frozen III, I can just, freeze my ex.

Anna: Elsa, it’s okay. You see…

[music playing]

[sinigng] We all know, we all know

we’ve all known since you were a twin

when you dressed as Brian of Tarth

on three separate Halloweens

I don’t care, what Disney says

the twitter storm rages on

Elsa: The lack of any romantic interest doesn’t bother me anyway.

Male voice: Whoa! I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. If Elsa’s gay, she can turn my son gay, right? With her powers. Anyway, check out this next scene featuring a new original song.

[Cut to Kristoff walking with reindeer.]

Kristoff: Anna! Elsa!

[Cut to Elsa and Anna]

Anna: Oh, Kristoff. You’re okay?

[Cut to Kristoff]

Kristoff: Physically, yes. Mentally, still not great. This reindeer is my best friend.

[Cut to Anna walking to Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! My big strong hot shrek. You know what I love most about you, Kristoff?

Kristoff: That I’m poor so you can control me?

Anna: No. No, it’s that your sensitive. Sing your original new song for us, won’t you?

Kristoff: Anything for you, my love.

[music playing]

Kristoff: [singing] Big and woke

Big and woke

I am humongous sensitive of

Anna: A new kind of prince who’s not a creep

Kristoff: I won’t kiss you while you’re asleep

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: He’s not a bro but he’s not a cock

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: He’s gentle at first but he really can…

Male voice: Okay! Gonna cut that off a little early. Don’t think anyone screen these deleted scenes. But hey, let’s see how they dealt with the criticism that Frozen was too white.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yucob: Halt! We’re the King’s guards.

Yogan: We’ve been trapped in this forest under an evil spell.

[Latayas walks in]

Latayas: That’s right. And we will protect the king at all costs.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I’m sorry sir, and you are?

[Cut to the King’s guards]

Latayas: Latayas. Lieutenant in the royal guard.

Yogan: And I’m Yogan.

Yucob: And I’m Yucob. At your service.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Yes, you two make sens. I’m trying to wrap my head around Latayas. You live here?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Norway, in 1840, that’s correct.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: And who do you live with?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: No one. All alone. In Norway. Not shoe-horned in any way.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yogan: Oh sure, but when I auditioned to be in Black Panther army, that was a firm no.

[music playing]

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: [singing] How do you solve a problem like Latayas?

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: How do you make it seem like this makes sense?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Why would I come to Scandinavia?

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff. Kristoff walks to Latayas]

Kristoff: At least we made this Frozen world diverse.

Latayas: Oh, yeah! It’s a real rainbow of colors now.

Male voice: Problem solved! And hey, see if you can spot how the animators redesigned one of the most iconic Frozen characters.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Guys, we need to keep moving. I’m supposed to ride a water-horse to an ice island to free a fire spirit or something. I think the part of this movie might be really bad.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! But we can’t leave without Olaf.

[Cut to Olaf running in. He has one carrot as his nose and another carrot as his penis.]

Olaf: Don’t worry. I’m right here, guys. Boy, isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Wheeeee!

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Um, hey Olaf, what’s that second carrot about?

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: Which? This one? [showing his nose carrot]

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I think you know that’s not that carrot he’s talking about.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: I guess I’m just growing up before your very eyes.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Alright! That’s it. We’re gonna leave Olaf here.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: What? No hugs for Olaf? You know, carrots are good for your vision.

[music playing]

[singing] Do you want to build a snowman 

[Olaf walks to get hugs but everybody are walking away from him]

Kristoff: That thing is thicker than a coke can

[Cut to the reindeer thinking, “Oh, I love carrots”.]

Male voice: Alright! We’re just gonna end it there. Frozen II on digital HD and DVD. Tell your kids we’re sorry.

Food Dudes

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Beck getting in his hotel room]

Female voice: It’s happening again. You’re drunk and you’re ordering food.

Beck: [on the phone] Hey, ya, I’ll do the buffalo wings, some calamari, bacon cheese burger and maybe some fries. And onion rings too.

[split screen to Beck on left and Melissa on right.]

Melissa: And how many people will be dining?

Beck: Um, four.

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Female voice: You told her there were four people dining but it’s really just you. Or is it?

[Beck snaps is fingers and three dummies wearing clothes appear behind him]

Introducing Food Dudes. Three realistic mannequins that can sit with you when the food gets delivered, so no one thinks you’re an animal.

[Cut to Melissa brings in the food at Beck’s door.]

Melissa: Room service for four. I guess, this was a reasonable order.

Female voice: Plus, Food Dudes are noticeably overweight. [All the mannequins have big bellies] So everyone thinks they ordered most of the food.

[Cut to three mannequins and Beck with food on the table before them. Melissa is looking at them.]

Beck: These guys, am I right? What a bunch of slobs.

Melissa: Hold up! [Cut to Melissa] I wanna see one of them eat.

Female voice: Don’t worry. Food Dudes are completely motorized so they can realistically pick up and ingest human food.

[One mannequin picks up and eats the food.]

Melissa: I’m convinced. They’re real guys.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: And best of all, the inside of each Food Dude is a fully functioning microwave [Beck opens the mannequin’s pant and it’s butt is the microwave.] So when you’re alone again, simply open up the mannequin’s rear end an enjoy the rest of your meal.

Beck: Umm, piping hot.

[Cut to Matt ordering food]

Female voice: And Food Dudes can talk, so they’re perfect for shameless deliveries.

[Cut to Mikey delivering food at Matt’s door]

Mikey: Yeah, I got two large pizzas for Matt.

Matt: Um, well they’re not just for me.

Mikey: Dude, come on!

[Cut to mannequins talking]

Mannequin: Hey, hurry up with the food we’re all splitting.

Mannequin: Yeah, the other three of us are starving.

Mannequin: Plus, we’re noticeably overweight.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey:  Wow! I was wrong. Have fun with your diverse friends.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt: Thanks Food Dudes!

Female voice: And Food Dudes are easy to transport in their Food Dude Cocoons.

[Cut to Beck transporting his mannequins on a hospital bed]

[Melissa waves her hand at Beck and Beck smiles]

And they’re perfect for drive-throughs too.

[Cut to Kenan at the drive-through. He has the mannequins on his passenger seats.]

Kenan: Yeah, can I get 24 cheese burgers? And it ain’t all for me. These mannequins are gonna have some too.

Drive through: Excuse me?

[A mannequin sitting at Kenan’s back puts it’s hand on Kenan’s shoulder]

Mannequin: Thank you, daddy.

Kenan: It’s creeping me though.

Female voice: Food Dudes, not for sex.

[The End]

Weekend Update Pope Francis on his visit to the US

Colin Jost

Pope Francis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Pope Francis came to the United States last week visiting Washington DC, Philadelphia and our very own, New York city. Here to tell us about his trip is Pope Francis.

[Pope Francis slides in]

Pope Francis: [in Argentinian accent] What up, Jost? Give me that! Give me that! [does fist bump with Colin Jost] What a big set. Respect.

Michael Che: What’s up, bro?

Pope Francis: [patting his chest] Respect!

Colin Jost: So, Pope Francis, how was your stay in the United States?

Pope Francis: My trip was dope. DC was a little boring. [Cut to Pope Francis] Philly had some cuties, but New York was the best and tightest place to be. First thing though, I had to give a mass at the St. Patrick’s cathedral which to me was like a major snooze. But then I played in the Madison Square Garden and I crushed it. Then I went at the party with my disciples. Shout out to Jon Paul, Jio Sappi, Christiano, Leonardo and homie [pats his chest] Dwayne Wayne!

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. What did you guys get into?

Pope Francis: Yo! The real fun started aftermath. [Cut to Pope Francis] We went to Brooklyn and hit up the shuffle board place and had some free pizza. A Hawaiian pizza. That’s a pizza with pineapple and ham.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, yes. That sounds pretty chill.

Pope Francis: Oh, it was so chill. It was on a house-boat

[Colin Jost didn’t understand]

[Cut to Pope Francis]

After that we went to a namless chapel on the lower east side with a bartender who only speaks in backwards. And check it, the password was, “Emojis”. You had to figure out the way to express them with your face. Like this. [Pope Francis making emoji faces]

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah! And what was it like when you got inside?

Pope Francis: The cast of girls minus Lina was much in awesome artisan and all sugar carers. [Colin Jost didn’t understand a thing] So scrubs. [Cut to Pope Francis] One thing led to another. I wrote this 90 song like Karaoke Garage, you had to do the confession. Mose death is there. And we start belting out. [singing] Closing time.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

[Colin Jost didn’t understand anything]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You were with Mose death?

Pope Francis: Shh! You wouldn’t get it. And, I’m always look at the party. Ay! Hit me up in your prayers!

Colin Jost: Pope Francis, everyone!

Pope Francis: Many god blesses to you!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on politics

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New poll show that while Donald Trump has maintained his lead in the republican primary, in the head to head match up, Hillary Clinton beats Trump among younger voters by a whopping 20%. With more on this is SNL’s resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: First of all, I really I should let you know that actually, I don’t know much about politics.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] No! Really?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know it’s shocking. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean I watch elections the way my girlfriend watches football. I’m like, “Who’s that guy in the suit? Do we want him to win? We want him to win? Okay! Who is Syria?” Anyway, politics gives me anxiety. Like, I tried. I tried to watch it and I’ll turn on the news, and then they’re like, “The senate–“. No, I can’t. We have a senate now? That’s crazy!

Look, I don’t know the difference between the democrat and republican. I just know I’m supposed to be a democrat or my friends will get mad at me. And when I’m around my grandpa, I have to say I’m a republican or he’ll get all excited. And Che, if he asks, we’re not friends.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che is shaking his head.]

He loves you though, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! [giving thumb’s up]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che shaking his head.]

Pete Davidson: Big fan of Jost. I’m like most people. When Trump announced he was running [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought it was funny. But that was 4 months ago. And he’s winning. You know, it’s not funny anymore. You know, I think America needs to stop doing things coz it’s funny. You know? That’s what makes me so mad about Trump. It’s like, coz now that he’s winning, now I actually have to go out and vote. You know? Like, that’s the one good thing about Trump running. Trump presidency is so terrifying, it actually scares people of my age into paying attention to politics. You know who Donald Trump reminds me of? Sanjaya from Amrican Idol.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Remember Sanjaya? He had weird hair and he sang like garbage? [Cut to Pete Davidson] Yeah! We were actually like, friends three years ago, but that’s another Update. So, how it started, I thought it would be funny to get people to vote for him. You know, coz he sucked. Like, to keep him in the competition, coz it was like, funny. And the first few times, it was funny. It would be like, “Sanjaya, you are safe.” And you’d be like, “[laughing] That’s not supposed to happen!” But then, one by one, like everybody’s favorite started getting eliminated and it really wasn’t that funny anymore. And then it got down to the final four and everybody was like, “What the hell is Sanjaya doing up there? Now we have to go vote!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, you know, Pete. You got through that whole Update without referencing weed or making a penis joke.

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m not done yet.

Michael Che: No, I think you are. Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: [yelling] Weed! Penis! Weed! Penis!