Category: 2016

Game Of Thrones FIRST LOOK

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

Director… Jon Rusnitsky

Peter Dinklage

Emilia Clarke… Kate McKinnon

Joe Leuci… Kyle Mooney

Iain Glen… Taran Killam

[Starts with shooting set of Game of Thrones]

[Cut to Peter and Emilia]

Peter: Hi HBO. I’m Peter Dinklage, A.K.A. Tyrion Lannister.

Emilia: And I’m Emilia Clarke, A.K.A. Daenerys Targarian, mother of dragons. And this is your first look at Game of Thrones, season 6.

Peter: Season 6 finds Tyrion in the service of Daenerys Targarian. And that means I finally get some screen time with those scene stealers, the dragons.

[Cut to the shooting]

Director: Action!

Peter: Citizens!

[Randy come in with dragon costume on making dragon noises]

Citizens, do not be alarmed, citizens. He is our friend. Drogon is here to protect you.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Well, the Mov-Cap technology allows the director to see the finished product as we’re shooting in real time which is pretty phenomenal.

[Cut to shooting]

Peter: Well, he didn’t inherit your looks but he certainly has your temper.

Director: Good job Peter. Why don’t we just do that once more.

[Randy is staring at Peter]

Peter: What are you doing?

Randy: I was just being intense.

Peter: You’re looking at my face.

Randy: Oh, okay. I’ll close my eyes.

[Cut to Iain Glen]

Iain: Season 6, they’ve really pulled all the the stops. I mean, some of these effects they’re doing are just truly incredible.

[Randy is spitting out water for the fire effect]

I’ve seen really unbelievable stuffs.

[Cut to shooting]

It would be wise to trade lightly with me, boy. War is not a game.

[Randy uncovers his fave behind Iain]

Randy: Of Thrones!

Director: Okay, cut! Randy.

Randy: Yeah.

Director: I think I just heard you say something.

Randy: Nope. I didn’t say anything.

Director: You said “Of thrones” after he said–

Randy: Check the playback. I didn’t say a word.

[Cut to Iain]

Iain: Season 6 has a lot of surprises in store. It’s bigger, better, bloodier.

[Cut to Randy during the shoot]

Randy: Hey, are we gonna get a bathroom break anytime soon? I gotta… bust a piss.

Director: It takes like, half hour to get you in and out of that suit. You think you can hold it for a bit?

Randy: Yea, no sweat.

Director: Cool. Great.

[Cut to Emilia. Behind her, Randy is drying his suit as he pissed on them.]

Emilia: This season– I can’t say too much without getting in trouble but let’s just say that Daenerys finds herself rather conflicted between two different good–

[Cut to shooting]

You’ll only bring pain to this kingdom Drogo. You have to go.]

[Randy makes dragon sound and then opens the door and walks out]

Director: Okay. Halt. Come back. A dragon wouldn’t just open the door. You just exit frame, okay?

Randy: I can’t hear you but I was gonna say a dragon shouldn’t go through the door. I’m just gonna exit frame, okay?

[Cut to the set]

Iain: Here we are. We’re currently setting up for the pivotal moment where Daenerys leads a dragon into battle for the first time.

[They’re pulling Randy upward]

Randy: Ou! Ou! Ou! I’m sorry. Ou!

Director: Put him down.

Randy: No, it’s pinching it.

Director: Are you okay?

Randy: Wait! Stop, stop, stop. Don’t. Don’t.

Director: Why don’t we just bring you down?

Randy: Just leave me. I need a minute.

[Cut to clips from Game of Thrones]

Peter: Thank you for watching HBO first look. And remember, it’s..

[Randy walks in]

Randy: It’s Game of Thrones.

Peter: HBO.

Randy: HBO.

[Cut to the set. Randy is hanging and there’s a man who is cutting the ropes loose.]

Wait, what is that for? No, wait. Wait. Wait.

[Randy falls flat on the ground]

[The End]

At This Hour Cold Open

Kate Bolduan… Kate McKinnon

Scottie Nell Nughes… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with At This Hour intro]

[Cut to Kate in her set]

Kate: Welcome back. Thank you. Welcome back to At This Hour. I am Kate Bolduan. I’ve got the brain for MSNBC but the hair for FOX News. So here I am at CNN. It’s been another bad week for Donald Trump with women. Joining me to talk about it from the tea-party news network is Donald Trump defender, Scottie Nell Nughes.

[Cut to Scottie in her set]

Scottie: Hi Kate. As a woman I like Donald Trump but as a full blown nut job, I freaking love him.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: But as a woman, how can you keep defending Mr. Trump? He retweeted a sexist, unflattering photo of Ted Curz’s wife.

Scottie: Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, no– [Cut to Scottie] So actually, so that was an accident okay? Coz Donald’s are just so big, he can’t see every little tweet his fingers retweet. I mean, his hands are this big. Flaccid!

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: That’s your actual answer?

Scottie: That is what I have picked. Yes. And let’s not forget, Heidi Cruz is no angel. She has been arrested.

Kate: That’s not true.

Scottie: Yes, it is. Donald told me she is so fat, she was arrested for having 10 pounds of crack.

Kate: I believe that’s a ‘yo mama’ joke. Alright, let’s just move on. Donald Trump also said that women who get abortions should be ‘punished’. How do you defend that?

[Cut to Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Okay. So, no– So, okay– So, what that is is was Donald was just making an April fools joke coz it was April fools.

[Cut to split screen]

Kate: Said that on March 30th.

Scottie: [laughing] And that is why it is so funny. I mean, Kate, of course Donald loves women. He is a father to a woman.

Kate: Okay, well, we actually have a clip of Donald talking about his daughter from a rally this morning. Let’s watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I just gotta say, isn’t my daughter Ivanka the best? She’s so smart, so talented, and what a rack! And she just had a baby. So can you imagine that rack now? It is just tremendous.

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Kate: Ew!

Scottie: No. Okay, no– So, that was beautiful. You’re just trying to work it but is it worth it? You put his thing down, flipped it and reversed it.

Kate: What?

Scottie: At least Donald is talking about women. I mean he is creating a dialog about women.

Kate: Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Let’s go back to that rally and check in on that dialog.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: When I say ‘women’, you say ‘suck’. Women.

Public: Suck!

Donald Trump: Women.

Public: Suck!

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay, well, some women do suck, okay? What about Casey Anthony? Are you telling me Casey Anthony does not suck? Coz I am close friends with her and she is always late. She sucks!

Kate: Okay, well Scottie, I don’t know how you’re gonna be able to defend this next thing.

Scottie: I’ll be able to.

Kate: But there has been a lot of violence at Trump’s rallies recently. His campaign manager was arrested for assaulting a woman. A young girl was pepper sprayed.

Scottie: Donald Trump does not personally condone violence.

Kate: Really? Okay, well let’s just randomly see what’s happening right now at his rally.

[Cut to Donald Trump punching a guy in his face several times]

Guy: [yelling] I am voting for you!

[Donald Trump punches him few more times]

[Cut to Kate and Scottie]

Scottie: Okay. Clearly, that man had a bee on his face and Donald was just trying to punch his off for him. 10 times.

Kate: Really, Scottie? A bee? Now we’re talking about a bee?

Scottie: Yeah, we sure are. You can’t break me Kate, because I’m crazy. And crazy don’t break. And Kate, I know that you agree with me on three things when it comes to Trump. One, he is drop dead gorgeous.

Kate: No.

Scottie: Two, he is bringing trade back so we can make American grapes again.

Kate: That’s not– That’s so wrong.

Scottie: And three, he is way better than Ted Cruz.

Kate: Okay, yes. That I do agree. And…

Kate and Scottie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Weekend Update The Drunkest Contestant on the Bachelor

Colin Jost

The contestant… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This Monday is the season finale of the Bachelor. Here to comment is one woman who made quite an impression early on in the season, please welcome the drunkest contestant on the Bachelor.

[The contestant slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The contestant: It’s very nice to meet you. Now, close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[The contestant kisses Colin Jost]

Oh!

The contestant: I wanted to be the only person to kiss you on Update. You wanna know why?

Colin Jost: Why?

The contestant: Coz I felt a connection with you, Colin, ever since I saw an opportunity to be on TV. I’m getting emotional. You think I’m crazy? You do.

Colin Jost: No. No. Not at all. No. I just wanna hear about the finale of the Bachelor.

The contestant: You’re such a good guy. And I knew you were worth it. And I left something really good because I thought maybe it would be something really great.

Colin Jost: And what did you leave?

[Cut to The contestant]

The contestant: Saphora sales and state of Colorado.

[Cut to Colin Jost and The contestant]

You think I’m crazy and I’m not. Look at me. You haven’t made eye contact with me since we kissed. You’ve been like looking at Che and glancing at cue cards the whole time. I’m still here. And I need to see that you respect that.

Colin Jost: I promise you I respect that.

The contestant: I’m so glad you just said that. Because I know that I am great TV– I am a great woman. So, let’s start over. Can I get a second chance kiss?

Colin Jost: No. And if Leslie Jones hears about this, we’re both dead.

The contestant: Oh! I am not here to talk about other women. I’m here so other women can talk about me. And I’m not crazy.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that you’re crazy. I never would say that.

The contestant: I’m not crazy.

Colin Jost: Okay. No one here is saying that.

[The contestant is making angry face at Colin Jost]

You have such a beautiful smile. Look, I’m very sorry–

The contestant: I’m not!

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry that you did not win the Bachelor this season.

The contestant: Oh, don’t be sorry. This isn’t my last reality show. I’ll be on TV again. Coz I’m the wide awake nightmare.

Colin Jost: The drunkest contestant on the Bachelor everyone.

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture changes to map of Amsterdam and handcuffs.]

A gang of drug dealers in Amsterdam were reportedly storing–

[Riblet enters the set]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on! Let’s go.

Michael Che: Reportedly storing 300,000–

[Cut to 1, Michael Che and Riblet]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on, man! Let’s go. I got a bootleg copy of Batman hates Superman.

Michael Che: Dude, yo’re in the shot.

Riblet: Man, I think they got a Honder Hwoman in there. Come on, man!

Michael Che: You’re in the shot. You’re ruining this.

Riblet: Oh, we live right now? We live at five? Yo, introduce me then.

Michael Che: I’m sorry. It’s my friend from high school, Riblet everybody.

[Riblet climbs over the table and sits next to Michael Che]

Riblet: It’s Riblet baby living clean in 2016.

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m in the middle of a live show here, man. I don’t have time to go watch movies with you.

Riblet: What? Man, you never got time for Riblet no more, man! Come on, now.

Michael Che: I got a job.

Riblet: Oh, you a punk man! Get someone to cover your shift. That’s what I did at Friendly’s, never home of the fribble.

Michael Che: Well, this isn’t Friendly’s, Riblet. Okay? This is a good job. You can’t just get anybody to do this job.

Riblet: Phrrr. Please! This jorb ain’t that hord! Come on man, check it. Watch, I’ll do it right now. Ay, yo Don, give me a key on three, baby.

Michael Che: How do you know Don?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of IHOP logo and Mississippi map at right top corner.]

Riblet: A massive sinkhole opened in a parking lot of Mississippi IHOP swallowing more than a dozen cars. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re eating at a Mississippi IHOP, it’s to sink lower.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Oh! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Now hurry up Che. Table four needs a fribble. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know where table four is? It’s a trick question. Table four is a booth. Dang!

Michael Che: That wasn’t a question or a trick, man! Can you please just go? I’m serious.

Riblet: What? I’m serious about watching this movie, man. Lex Luthor got hairs now. And I’m fixing to find out why. Okay? So, let’s keep this train rolling my dude. Ayo Don, break me on someting.

Michael Che: Why are you helping him?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of J.K. Rowling at right top corner.]

Riblet: Some native American groups are upset with the new J.K. Rowling story that they say is disrespectful of their culture. Which you can tell from the title, ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Blankets’. [yelling] Oh! That ain’t even a real book. I photoshorped it. And it ain’t even there, man! It’s ghost news.[The picture disappears]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: You know, there’s a lot more to this job than just reading jokes–

Riblet: [mocking] Oh really? There’s a lot more?

Michael Che: Yeah man, it is.

Riblet: Okay, man. You know what? I stand corrected. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Okay. I guess– I did not. I’m apologizing. I guess you would have to have something like new surprising moves every week.

Michael Che: That’d be nice. It would.

Riblet: Wait a minute. [putting a finger in his ear and listening] I’m getting something. My ear from the booth. Hold on. Oh, it looks like we have a special report. Let’s go live to our man on the street, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in street]

Riblet in street: Thanks Riblet. Good evening. Riblet St. James here reporting live from the Lorry side. The line started forming days ago and it has been a revolving door of random man in and out of this building all weekend long. Whatever they are lining up for, they can’t seem to get enough, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in set]

Riblet: Okay, and where did you say you were, Riblet?

[Cut to split screen]

Riblet in street: Okay, I am currently outside Che’s mama’s house.

Riblet: Damn! Yo, sign him off, Riblet. Do your thing.

Riblet in street: This is Riblet St. James. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Back to you, Riblet.

[Both Riblets do the mic-drop and start dancing.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet in the set]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of map of Maine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A seafood whole-seller in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. And in other news, a woman’s dog has been missing since Halloween. [Picture changes to a dog wearing a lobster costume.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning announced his retirement from football this week. Explained Manning, “I’d rather not get brain damage.”

[Picture changes to MTA bus]

New York’s MTA has unveiled new high-tech city buses that feature USB ports.  As in, “Hey, on the bus today I saw a guy put his penis in the USB port.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dos Equis beer logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The makers of the beer Dos Equis announced that they are retiring their famous most interesting man in the world ad campaign. He will now go back to his original name, “Greg the lying alcoholic”.

[Picture changes to a calendar marking March 2016]

March is women’s history month. So ladies, that cake is not gonna bake itself. Before you ladies get angry and send a bunch of messages about how sexist that joke is, let me just remind you… to finish baking that cake. Colin!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: What? Don’t throw it to me. Happy birthday to Mitt Romney who today turned 69. Which for Mormons is a sin.

[Picture changes to $ sign]

A new study suggest that heavier women get paid less than thinner women. That is unless Che is at the strip club.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brazilian flag and a penguin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And they say black guys don’t tip. A man in Brazil says that a penguin he rescued five years ago swims more than 5000 miles every year just to visit him. That’s how good the sex is.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a rally at right top corner.]

Donald Trump had to cancel a rally in Chicago last night over security concerns. Believe it or not, the most racially divisive candidate showed up to the most violent city in the country and things did not go smoothly. Who would have thought? That when these people try to have a reasonable and productive conversation with this lady, [Picture changes to a lady raising her hand wearing Trump t-shirt in the crowd] somehow they couldn’t find common ground. What did they think was gonna happen? She was gonna lower her Nazi’s salute to say, “Hey, you know, you’re making a good point, Kareem.” Also, can we just talk about how adorable this little old racist lady is? She shouldn’t be at a rally. She should be at home teaching her parrot the N word. And where have I seen her before? She looks– [Picture changes to girl raising her hand emoji] Oh, there she is.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then, after the whole incident at Chicago last night, Trump went to Ohio this morning and did this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: The liberals hate the conservatives. We have got to change our thinking. And yeah, if there’s a group out there, just throw them the hell out.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, he said, “Get the hell out” and then he did a twirl. Like Maury Povich just told him he’s not the father. And then later, Trump ragged that people have been protesting him his entire life as if that’s a normal good thing. Like saying, “Oh, this rash? It has always been there.” Trump is like that guy who says that every single one of his ex girlfriends has been ‘crazy’. I don’t know, man. I think it might be you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, if you’re going to a Trump rally to protest, god bless you coz I’m not. You won’t see me as some goofy Nazi prom getting punched in the face by some strong ass 80 year old racist. Look at this guy. He has been dreaming about punching a black dude since the first time he heard Jazz on the radio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kasich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, John Kasich stressed the importance of legal immigration saying that without it, he’d been running for president of Croatia, where incidentally he’s also Trailing by 30points.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed Donald Trump for president saying he has the vision and energy to win. Because nobody knows more about vision and energy than the guy who looks like he’s just got hit with a tranquilizer dart.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

An analysis of this past weekend’s primary victory shows that Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote. It would have been a dollar but he had a coupon.

Tidal Music Streaming

Kenan Thompson

Tyler… Bobby Moynihan

Nicholson… Jay Pharoah

Riley… Sasheer Zamata

Chloe… Ariana Grande

[Starts with Tidal Streaming Music Headquarters]

Kenan: Alright. It’s time for the three PM tidal system’s check. Drake’s stream.

Tyler: Running smooth sir.

Kenan: Coldplay

Nicholson: No lag time, full bit-rate sir.

Kenan: Billy Joel

Riley: No fire started over here, sir.

Kenan: Swinging to miss, Danielson.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Here’s your coffee, sir.

Kenan: Oh, thank you, Chloe. Well, it looks like it’s another incident free day here at Tidal Music Streaming.

[The lights go off]

What the hell was that?

Tyler: Looks like the power’s out, sir.

Riley: Backup generators, up and running.

Kenan: Alright, let’s do systems check. One Direction?

Tyler: All good, sir.

Kenan: Kendrick Lamar?

Nicholson: Coming throughout and clear.

Kenan: Britney Spears?

Riley: Looks like we’re gonna lose Britney Spears stream in thirty seconds.

Kenan: We already beefed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases! Tyler, we cannot afford another glitch. What do we do?

Tyler: Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears in the hallway. Is that true, Chloe? Can you sing like Britney Spears?

[Chloe looking nervous]

Chloe: Kind of.

Kenan: Riley, open the channel. Chloe, the future of Tidal is in your hands.

Chloe: But I’m shy.

Kenan: Well, try, dammit! People need their Britney Spears.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Britney Spears is up and running.

Kenan: That was close. Well done, Chloe.

Tyler: Oh, no sir. We are about to lose the Shakira stream.

Nicholson: Perfect! Chloe’s Hispanic.

Chloe: That’s a common mistake. I’m actually just very, very Italian.

Kenan: Well, can you do Shakira?

Chloe: I can try.

[music playing]

[singing] Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Can’t you see
I’m at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there and you’ll be near
And that’s the deal my dear

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Shakira is online and streaming.

Kenan: Job well done. Job well done. You need some water?

Nicholson: Old time, sir. Ariana Grande channel is down.

Kenan: Chloe. Can you do Ariana Grande?

Chloe: Nay, sorry, not a big fan.

Tyler: Oh, forget it sir. Because we just lost a big one. Rihanna’s down.

Kenan: Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.

[music playing]

[singing] Work, work, work, work, work, work
He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work
He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt
So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work

[beep beep]

Tyler: Back on. The Rihanna stream is re-buffered and good to go.

Kenan: Was that okay? I truly don’t know what she’s saying.

Kenan: Ay, nobody does.

Riley: I got bad news, boss. The 90s Diva’s playlist is glitching.

Kenan: Can you handle it Chloe? I mean that’s a lot of women.

Chloe: There’s only one way to find out.

Riley: We just lost Celine Dion

[music playing]
Kenan: [singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it
Right outside the window

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Celine Dion is at onehundre%. But now we’re losing Whitney Houston.

Kenan: Oh, come on. Take a song.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I…
Will always love you
I…
Will always love you
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. The power’s fully restored.

Tyler: All streams are up and running.

Kenan: Ah! You did it Chloe. Jay Z would be proud.

Nicholson: Yeah! You bet I am. [Nicholson wears his hat] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Nicholson, you was Jay-Z this whole time?

Nicholson: Ts-yeah. You know, I wanted to see how my company was doing out of that boss style, you know? Yo Chloe, you single handedly just saved Tidal. You said you were just an intern?

Chloe: Yes.

Nicholson: Yeah, that’s great. Can you get me a vince cappuccino?

Tyler: Yeah, I’ll take a Grande.

[everybody starts demanding coffee so Chloe runs away]

Singing Nuns

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Maria… Ariana Grande

[Starts with The Sound of Music intro]

Male voice: We now return to our special presentation of The Sound of Music.

[Cut to five nuns]

Vanessa: Where is sister Maria? She’s late for chore time.

Sasheer: And she has missed her morning prayers.

Aidy: Oh, what are we going to do about that girl?

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee

Vanessa: Her dress has got a chair

Sasheer: She walks on her way to mass
and whistles on the stairs

Kate: And underneath, she has colors in her hair

Cecily: I’ve even her singing in the Abby

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find the word that means Maria?

Sasheer: A-flidibi-dibid

Cecily: A will of the wiz?

Kate: A clown.

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Aidy: How do you? In your hand?

[Maria walks in]

Maria: Wow! Good to hear this, a bunch of nuns singing smack about me.

Aidy: Oh, Maria, we didn’t see you there.

Maria: Yeah, I know you didn’t. But I heard everything. And you thought Maria was a problem before? Well, buckle up.

Aidy: Goodness, you’re being a bit sensitive, Maria. We weren’t saying anything negative about you.

Maria: Oh, yeah? Then what’s the song called?

Vanessa: Well, it doesn’t really have a name.

Maria: Do no play with me right now!

Vanessa: Fine. It’s called ‘How do you solver a problem like Maria?’

Maria: Wow!

Cecily: What wow? It’s not about you. It’s about a different Maria. Maria Gutsn Schwertzn Wartz.

Maria: Nun, please, I know ya’ll sing shade about me all the time.

Kate: This is the first and only time we’ve ever sang it.

Maria: So you guys just made up that four part harmony with light choreography on the spot? Okay…

Aidy: But weren’t we merely discussing how to best guide our youngest sister on our path.

Maria: Nun, why are you coming for me so?

Aidy: What? What is this thing that you’re doing with your hands?

Maria: It’s a thing I made up so people know when I’ve had it. And y’all nuns are about to get red!

Aidy: Well, [clapping and hand gesturing like Maria] I think you’re being a very rude person.

Maria: Well, it’s your fault for calling me a will of the wisp and I know what that word means.

Sasheer: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s like, you know hen you call your friend a will of the wiz? It’s more like, “Oh, you my will of the wiz girl!”

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. That’s what we say to each other. It’s empowering, right? My will of the wiz?

Vanessa: Oh, see? That’s all that we were saying, Maria.

Maria: Um-hmm. I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get to my chores.

[Maria leaves]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Unpredictable as weather

All: Flappy as a feather

Cecily: She’s a darling, she’s a demon, she’s a–

[Maria comes in running]

Maria: Wow! I was literally gone for two seconds.

Kate: Okay, fine! We confess it, Maria. We talk about you. But you give us no choice.

[music playing]

[singing] You cry–

Maria: Wow! Stop starting the song. You know what? I don’t need this. I got hooked up with a babysitting seven children which literally sounds like a vacation compared to living with you virgins.

[music playing]

[singing] Which will leave us all to,
bye-bye-bye-bye-bye
Maria, out!

Cecily: Well, I have a feeling nun of us will miss her. Nun. You guys get it?

Aidy: Oh, you’re so bad.

[laughing]

[The End]

Mermaids

Taran Killam

Corel…Ariana Grande

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Smith… Beck Bennet

Shud… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. By fishing boat captain, Deacon Pritchard, 1906.  [The book opens] Caught in a storm, my crew and I were flown overboard, sent to a watery grave. But the next morning, we woke on our boat deck. The circumstances of our rescue, not to be believed.

[Cut to three men waking up]

Taran: I am alive. But who plucked from the sea?

[Corel comes out. She’s a mermaid.]

Corel: I did.

Taran: My god!

[Oceana appears next to Bobby]

Oceana: And I saved you.

Bobby: Can’t be.

[Cut to Smith]

Smith: And who is my enchanting rescuer?

[Shud comes out. She looks really ugly.]

Shud: Me, man.

Smith: Oh my god, what is that?

Shud: I’m a mermaid, man!

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am Oceana.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And I am Corel

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: My name is Shud.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: It’s just like in the story books. Half woman, half fish.

Corel: Blue fish to be exact.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am part Marlin.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Me? I’m working with about 35% woman, 65% blab fish.

Smith: Oh, god! What are blab fish?

Shud: We live on the sea floor deep in the Mariana Trench. Made only of jellyton, hence my sleek sheen. And here’s a picture of my mom for reference.

[Shud shows Smith a picture of an ugly fish]

Gorgeous. That was her on her wedding day. I have her looks, thank god.

Smith: My mermaid blows.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Now, I believe in love at first sight for you are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon, Corel.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: My sweet Oceana, you’ve captured my heart with a mere flutter of your eyelash.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: I’m waiting.

Smith: Ah, you’re so big, Shud.

Shud: Oh, thanks man. Excuse me, I need to take a breath.

[Shud makes weird exhaling noises]

Nailed it. Thank you.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Ah! Sweet ocean maidens, I would do anything for you to walk with us upon the land.

Corel: There is a way. All it takes is a kiss.

Taran: Yes. Yes, of course.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: It would be an honor.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Smith: Can I just give her cash?

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: Now my sisters, let’s recite the enchanted spell. If a mermaid kisses a human male, a pair of legs shall replace her tail.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And once she walks on land above, she will find her one true love.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: A blab fish has two mouths. One for breathing and one for food absorption. The human male should kiss the food mouth which consist of the whole face in front ass.

Smith: Can I give a hug, or like a high-five? This chick takes dumbs out of her mouth.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are sea sisters. Therefore, all of us must receive a kiss for the spell to work.

Taran: You kiss her Smith. That’s an order.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, just kiss your blab fish, Smith!

[Bobby kisses Oceana and Oceana starts singing]

[Cut to Taran and Corel. Taran kisses Corel and Corel starts singing.]

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Open wider!

[Smith and Shud kiss. Shud stats singing the Lion King chant.]

That was hot.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: When we reach shore, our transformation will be complete.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are your’s forever.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Blab fish lives about a 175 years, FYI.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: We shall marry this evening. Set a coarse for the shore.

[Cut to everybody]

Corel: We’ll see you there.

[Corel and Oceana gets back to the water]

Shud: Mating wise, usually a male attaches to my body and I absorb his gonet. And then his body fuses to my sheen. But we’ll figure something out.

Smith: Wow, it’s so nice for you to help work out a way that my nut will melt off.

Shud: I’ll see you soon baby.

[Shud fats]

Hey, are you looking down my shirt?

Smith: Ew, no!

[Cut to the book closes]

Kids’ Choice Awards

Reece Better… Taran Killam

Jessie Kerk-Fatone… Vanessa Bayer

Brynlee Dobbs… Ariana Grande

Frankie Goodman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Kids’ Choice Awards video bumper]

Female voice: Welcome back to the Kids’ Choice Awards orange carpet pre-show. Only on nick!

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: And, we’re moments away from the coolest, the messiest, the most celeb packed award show this season, the Kids’ Choice Awards. Hi, I’m Reece Better. By my side, my BFF Jessie Kerk-Fatone.

Jessie: Thanks Reece. Everyone’s been dying to know. Who will take home such coveted awards as favorite cartoon and coolest hair style male?

Reece: Let’s check in with our young lady with this scoop, Brynlee. She’s backstage where all the action is.

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee.

Brynlee: Guys, the vibe back here is literally electric. Just saw dog from Dog with a Vlog take a selfie with I Carly herself, Miranda Cosgro who’s receiving tonight’s life time achievement award. I’d love to stay in shot but I gotta go take my seat. I hope it’s not too close to the Slime Zone.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

[laughing]

Jessie: Well, I have a punch hole just in case, and I heard a rumor, 5th Harmony might need one too. Ooh! Well, the carpet’s winding down but inside, things are just heating up.

Reece: That’s right. Host Blade Shelton’s about to take the stage. We’re signing off because the Kids’ Choice Awards start…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[The show doesn’t cut them out]

Reece: Okay, it looks like maybe we got a little excited there. But who wouldn’t be excited?

Jessie: I mean, so many surprises in store. But there won’t be surprises for much longer. So, [danging] gettie up, y’all. Coz 29th annual Kids’ Choice Awards starts…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

Jessie: Ya-haa!

[The show doesn’t cut them out again]

And all the stars, all the slime and it’s heating up.

Reece: Ha-ha, and speaking of heating up, let’s throw it to our cheeko with aw to access, Brynlee.

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Yas. Guys, I’m back stage where things are really heating up and I think I might be busting a move. [dabs] So, you know what slime it is. The Kids’ Choice Awards only on nick are starting, right now. [Brynlee blows a kiss to the camera.]

[The show doesn’t cut her off]

Yeah, boy. Off camera, my producers are making a lot of frantic emotions that I do not understand. But on camera I’m having a blast. Let’s go back to Reece and Jessie. I love you guys.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: Love you too, Brynlee. Couple of hiccups but now we can see we’re about 10 seconds out.

Jessie: Yeah. It’s a live TV but good things are worth waiting for and the wait is finally over. The Kids’ Choice Awards start right now.

Reece: Ta-ta.

[The countdown goes to 0:00, but then start counting seconds again.]

The clock seems to be counting upwards now. I don’t know what that means.

Jessie: We got a technical issue but you know what they say, time flies when you’re waiting for the Kids’ Choice Awards to start.

Reece: That’s right. Hey, Brynlee, what’s cracking backstage?

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Um, all of it, Reece. Dog with a Vlog, I Carly and all the stars. [Brynlee pulls a technical support person] And this man, Frankie Goodman is part of the stage crew. What do you do? Do you make the slime?

Frankie: Oh, I wish. No, I’m just here to hand Blake Shelton his hat.

Brynlee: Yeah, boy. We got ragged gold hats back here. [Brynlee takes the hat from Frankie] You want me to try it on? I’m gonna look so insane.

Frankie: Um, are you Blake Shelton? I don’t think you are. [Frankie pulls the hat back] So, don’t touch the hat. Okay.

[Frankie walks away]

Brynlee: Jeez, just trying to feel the time here. Okay, so I’m being told the clock is fixed. Yay! It’s official. The Kids’ Choice Awards starts right now.

[The show doesn’t cut her off. The countdown clock is stuck at 12:00.]

Oh, my god! The clock is just flashing 12. And none of my producers are making eye contact with me. Reece and Jessie, I can’t even, guys.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: Ha-ha, neither can we, Brynlee.

Jessie: But the Kids’ Choice Awards have got to be starting…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Right now.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[Cut to Frankie]

Frankie: Right now!

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Jessie: Please, right now.

Reece: Okay, clearly the awards are not starting any time soon—

[Cut to Kids’ Choice Awards video bumper]

Male voice: Welcome to the 29th annual Kids’ Choice Awards.

[The End]