Category: 2016

Hillary Campaign ad

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of Hillary Clinton in public]

Hillary Clinton: As millennials, your voice is important. You’re the ones who will decide this election because there are so many of you. So, so many. And luckily I, Hillary Clinton, share all of your exact same beliefs. And I always have. Since the beginning of my campaign, I have constantly said, “We need a revolution in the streets.” Millions of people coming together because America should be for everyone. Not just a handful of millionaires  and billionaires.

I know you millennials. You’re fired up. You’re angry. And I’m angry too. Because the top 10% of the top [Hillary Clinton speaking like Bernie Sanders] 1% control 90% of the wealth in this country. And I’ve always said that. Ever since I was a young boy growing up in Brooklyn. Oh, Brooklyn

And when it comes to that darn Wall Street, I’ve always believed no bank can be too big to fail. No executive too– you know the rest. It’s that famous mobilizing sentence that works on you guys that I’ve been saying this whole time.

[Now Hillary Clinton is wearing an over sized suit like Bernie Sanders]

So thank you millennials for lending your support to the biggest outsider Jew in the race. [now Hillary Clinton’s hair is like that of Bernie Sanders] Hillary Rodham Clinton. There’s a lot of work to be done and that is why I am sick and tired [Hillary Clinton speaking like Bernie Sanders] of hearing about my own damn email.

Male voice: This message was paid for by Hillary Clinton. Feel the Bern… For her.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is wearing glasses like Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton: I’m whoever you want me to be and I approve this message. I’m trying here guys.

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Carson Endorsement Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with CNN America’s choice 2016]

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, and if you google me, you’ll see me in a t-shirt. But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman. We go now to Florida where Trump has just taken the stage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you. My guest today so tremendous. Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man. And for once I don’t mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged. Why don’t you come out here, Ben. Come on.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: I am so thrilled to be here today. I am positively turned. Yes, Donald and I are very different. We’re like night and day, ebony and orangy. And sure, we’ve had our– you know, we’ve had our polite disagreements. I question his knowledge on healthcare and he called me a psycho and a child molester.

Donald Trump: Hey, in my defense, he’s a pretty creepy dude. I mean look at this guy. He looks like he drives a hollowed out ice-cream truck.

Ben Carson: What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps. There’s the man you see every night on stage for eight months, guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis. But there’s also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for 10 minutes. He gave me a muffin.

Donald Trump: Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s get this guy a juice box and a nap.

Ben Carson: Bye, America. It’s been weird.

[Ben Carson walks away]

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: And there it is. Turning now to the democrats, Bernie Sanders pulled up a huge up set in Michigan this week. Joining us now via satellite from his hotel room in Illinois is senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes, yes. Hello. Good for me, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Presidential Candidate.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Thank you, Tapper. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I want to thank everyone who voted for me and apologize to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so, so annoying. I mean, I love my supporters. But they’re too much, right? I’m great, but I’m not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now, how do you think you pulled out such an up set victory?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans. I made a fortune.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Now senator, you may have won Michigan but Hillary still leads you in both delegate and super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What’s a super delegate? Who calls themselves that? It’s so cocky! [Cut to Bernie Sanders] They walk around like they’re such big shots. “Oh! I beg your pardon Mr. Super Delegate.” Let me tell you something, I’ve met some of these super delegates. They’re not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Not true. No, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. That’s it. The young people love me, Tapper. Because I’m like them. I got a lot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But, you’re still struggling with the minorities. Why do you think African Americans aren’t voting for you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, “Get out of my store.”

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And finally senator, Florida vote’s on Tuesday, but you haven’t spent much time there.

Bernie Sanders: Can you blame me? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] Who wants to spend time in Florida? The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, “Mom’s dead, we gotta go to Florida.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Alright. Thank you senator. Alright, breaking news right now. We’re getting word now of yet another incident of violence at Donald Trump rally. Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protestor. We go there now.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Ben Carson is holding a raw steak over his eye.]

Ben Carson: It’s okay. I’m fine.

Donald Trump: Guys! What did I say? Not this one! This is one of the good ones! [to Ben] I’m sorry, Ben.

Ben Carson: Hey, they’re just lucky I don’t have my knife on me. I’ve been known to cut a bitch.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. We’ve got a very classy Trump steak on his eye. And to the media, please don’t use this as an excuse to call me racist.

Ben Carson: Donald’s actually got a lot of black friends. Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.

Donald Trump: The list goes on.

Ben Carson: Mike Tyson.

Donald Trump: The list ends.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Quite a scene. Now, let’s check back in with senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to split screen. Bernie Sanders is on his pajamas getting ready for bed holding a toothbrush.]

Bernie Sanders: What? No! No! Get out of here. Don’t cut back to me. Get away.

Jake: Senator, are you in your pajamas?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I’m in pajamas. It’s bed time you idiot! You said you were finished. So I got in pajamas.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: How did you change so fast?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I always wear them under my suit. That’s why my suits are so baggy. Now please, if you don’t mind, Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Ariana Grande Monologue

Ariana Grande

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.

[Ariana Grande walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ariana Grande: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Ariana Grande and I’m a singer, not a Starbucks drink. I’m so honored and excited to be hosting and performing tonight. It’s been a dream of mine to be on this stage ever since I was a little girl which was two months go. I’ve been singing and acting since I was eight. I started my career on kids TV doing Nickelodeon.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, indeed. Yes. What an amazing place to launch a career, am I right?

Ariana Grande: That’s right, Kenan. We both started out doing Nickelodeon shows but of course that’s not the only thing people know us for anymore.

Kenan: Well, speak for yourself. I’ve been doing show for 30 damn years and people still ask me twice a week, “Where is Kel?”

Ariana Grande: Classic. I loved you guys. Do you guys still stay in touch?

Kenan: [yelling] A little bit!

[Kenan walks away]

Ariana Grande: Yeah, it can be tough growing up in show business. A lot of kid stars end up doing drugs, are in jail or pregnant, or get caught looking at doughnut they didn’t pay for. Which, yes, was childish and stupid. I’ve learned that it’s really time to grow up. I think I’m in a place where I am ready to be caught in a real adult scandal.

[music playing]

A real scandal, you know? Something to take my career to next level. Something that says, “Welcome to Hollywood, kid.” Miley’s had em, Bieber’s had em, everyone’s had em and each day I sit by my window and I dream what will my scandal be?

[singing] They’ll say, “She’s a hot mess”
or “What a disgrace”
They’ll say, “Is that botox in her butt and in her face?”
That tweet about the Jews wasn’t really point at taste
Oh what will my scandal be?

Maybe I’ll throw a fit in in LA hotel
or make life for the staff, a true living hell
I’ll puke in the pool, or pimp stop Adele, oh shit!
What will my scandal be?

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Ariana! I was just in your dressing room smelling all your clothes and you just left your cell phone out girl. You have to be careful, you know? Someone could hack into and just post everything on the internet.

Ariana Grande: Oh my god, that would be amazing.

Cecily: No, no, no.

Ariana Grande: When I was a little girl, my mama told me that I’d grow up and make millions of strangers mad at me. And now it’s finally happening. Thank you.

[Cecily leaves]

[singing] Maybe diet pills with scramble my brain
I’ll light up in first class and get kicked off of plane.
Maybe I’ll have a love child with Drake or 2Chainz
What will my scandal be?

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey, Ariana. I overheard. Do you like to smoke some pot or something?

Ariana Grande: Pot? Let’s smoke some crack, man!

Pete: I’m good.

[Pete turns around and leaves]

Ariana Grande: [singing] Imagine what they’ll say
Imagine what they’ll write
I could sleep in at the Super Bowl
And ruin my career overnight

My very own scandal
My very own scandal

Oh, what will my scandal be?

We’ve got a great show. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Weekend Update The Girl At a Party

The Girl… Cecily Strong

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The primaries have been specially divisive this year. Here with her take is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The Girl slides in]

The Girl: Hi, Michael. Just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be a black history month.

Michael Che: Thanks. So, what do you think about the primaries so far?

The Girl: What do I think about them? [Cut to The Girl] They disgust me. The candidates are truly appalsive. And now Ben Carson’s just pulling out? And we’re supposed to believe that’s the most effective form of birth control? No! It’s like, no wonder everyone has the xenovirus. And it’s like, maybe LeoCaprio is right. Bears!

[Cut to The Girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. So I take it you’re disappointed with the candidates?

The Girl: People need to start paying intention, Michael. When the alarm goes off, stop hitting excuse button. [Cut to The Girl] Coz there are women in Africa right now who have to walk three miles just to see zootopia. And news flash, Michael, [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] you haven’t even asked me if I’m transgendered yet.

[The Girl pulls her phone out of her bag]

Michael Che: Are you transgendered?

The Girl: How dare you ask me that?

[The Girl is making faces on the phone]

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: I just snapchatted you but your face is a tiger and I’m normal.

Michael Che: Cool. So, are you voting democrats or–

The Girl: Why do we have to Libya everything, Michael? [Cut to The Girl] Why can’t there be a black James Bond or white Jackie Chan or we rate Bill Cosby? Coz guess what? If you’re not part of the sudoku, you’re part of the answer. And it’s multiple choice. And you’re none of the above. And P.S., why do we even need super delegates? Why can’t we just talk to superman directly? [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] And I’m asking you, Michael, because hashtag, black guys matter. So, real quick, I’ma sing you all of Hamilton.

[signing] How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore 
And a Scotsman, —

Michael Che: Stop! Please, stop please.

The Girl: Fine, but you could have learned something about history. [looking around] Jasmine! Jasmine!

Michael Che: Was that your friend?

The Girl: No. She’s my Uber driver. I think she’s circling the studio. How many minutes away is that? See.

Michael Che: That’s tetris.

The Girl: Okay, fine. You know what? I wanna give you some thing. This is knife I found at OJ Simpson’s house. Wait, who do you think will play you in a movie?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe Denzel Washington.

The Girl: I would choose a homeless woman so she could work. But I’m sure Denzel would be appreciative too. Wait, real quick. Wrap your hands around my neck like you’re gonna choke me.

Michael Che: No.

The Girl: Alright, fine. Just slap me really hard. It’s about Wall Street.

Michael Che: Just tell us who you’re voting for.

The Girl: Alright fine. Here, hold this.

[The Girl hands her purse to Michael Che]

Oh, look. This man stole my purse. And he’s white. What? Boom! That’s progress. You’re welcome. Now I need that back coz there are some adderall in there.

Michael Che: Girl at a party, everybody.

The Girl: Vaccines are a scam.

Weekend Update Jay Pharoah Talks About Black Comedians

Colin Jost

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, comedian Katt Williams made headlines for taking verbal shots at rival comedian Kevin Hart. However, the dispute was reportedly settled at a secret meeting of black comedians in Hollywood. Here to talk more about this our own, Jay Pharoah.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Woo! Wad up, everybody?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Jay? Tell us about this secret meeting.

Jay Pharoah: Okay. The black comedians’ meeting?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] We hold one every year at Eddie Murphy’s house. In his bowling alley.

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. And then tell us, what happened?

Jay Pharoah: Okay, so first [Cut to Jay Pharoah] Katt got up right? And Katt was like, [doing Katt Williams impression] “Now first you gotta understand something boo-boo. This right here, this right here, this is war. There can be only one munchkin on top you ragged son of a bitch!

You know, but that’s when Kevin got up and Kev was like, [doing Kevin Hart impression] “First of all, pow! Ping pang bow! Here’s the problem. I’ll tell you what the problem is. First of all, you got a pern. Only black man get away with a pern is Prince. And he is Prince. You’re not Prince. You got to say hi to Prince, I do too, but I smile. Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

And that’s when Dave Chappelle stands and–

Colin Jost: Hold on. Dave Chappelle was there too?

Jay Pharoah: I said it was all of us, Colin. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] So, Chappelle is like, [doing Dave Chappelle impression] “Hold on, baby. Everybody just calm down, son. Just calm down. We black, ou! We need to stick together. Trust me son. Hollywood is expecting us to fail baby. Let’s just calm down, go to Africa for a few years till everything cools off.”

[doing Chris Rock impression] “Africa? Dave, who wanna go to Africa? Africans don’t even wanna go to Africa. And they live there. [making faces]

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, that’s Chris Rock?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, yeah. So then Eddie gets up, [Cut to Jay Pharoah] and he’s like, [doing Eddie Murphy impression] “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second. Everybody just relax okay? Everybody just relax. Everybody just relax. Everybody just cool out, alright? You know what I’m saying? We’re doing great at bowling, okay? Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan, it’s your turn to bowl. Pick up the ball. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, yea. Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.”

And Tracy gets up, [doing Tracy Morgan impression] “Listen, I’ll bowl. I’ll bowl Eddie. I’ll bowl, you know. I’ll bowl right now. You know, Jackie Gleason is my biological father.”

And then Chris Tucker was like, [doing Chris Tucker impression] “Man! Then hurry up and bowl man. Damn! You’re holding up the game man. Damn, man!”

And then Hannibal Buress goes, [doing Hannibal Buress impression] “Okay, I just don’t understand why errybody has to yell in a site man, over bowling match in a living room. This is weird on so many levels.”

And then, Bernie Mac got up and said, [doing Bernie Mac impression] “Hmm, next time one of you son of a bitches have a party at Eddie Murphy’s house and don’t invite Macman, I’ma bust one of yous son of a bitches head to the white meat.”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Bernie Mac?

Jay Pharoah: Listen man, you got me. Honestly Colin, I made it all up. That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: Okay. Jay Pharoah, everyone.

Jay Pharoah: Boom!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Flossy Dicky… Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pornhub logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to the adult website Pornhub, the searched for term in the 30 of the 50 states was lesbian. But keep in mind, Michael travels a lot. [Picture changes to Michael Che]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Harry Reid at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It’s lonely on the road. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said that the republican party has created a ‘Frankenstein Monster’ in Donald Trump. They’ve also created sort of a [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] fat dracula.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now new segment here on Weekend Update. News From the Future.

[News From the Future intro]

Male voice: News from the future.

[Cut to Future in the dressing room]

Future: [looks at the camera after a while] I told you I didn’t want to do this. Get out of here. What you all doing?

[News From the Future outro]

Male voice: This is been News from the future.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Irish flag, cocaine and a Christian cross at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A catholic priest in Ireland was caught on video snorting cocaine in a room adorn with Nazi symbols. Okay, but show me where in the bible, it says you can’t do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know, last week a woman named Flossy Dicky turned 110 years old, making her the oldest woman in the state of Washington.

Colin Jost: That’s right. So we sent our own Vanessa Bayer to Spokane to give the birthday girl our best wishes. Hi, Vanessa.

[Cut to Vanessa and Flossy]

Vanessa: Hi, Colin and Michael. She has lived through the sinking of the Titanic, the depression and two world wars. And feisty, Flossy Dicky is still going strong. Flossy, how are you feeling on your big day?

Flossy: I am tired.

Vanessa: I bet. And what are you gonna do to ring in 110?

Flossy: Take a nap.

Vanessa: Yes. Who doesn’t love a good nap? I bet you’ve wrecked up a lot of crazy stories. Can you tell us one?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

[Vaness laughing]

I guess some stories are best left untold. Back to you Colin and Michael.

[Cut to split screen]

Colin Jost: Actually, we aren’t quite done yet, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Oh, no?

Michael Che: No, no, no. We heard that Flossy still has a few things left on her bucket list. Can you ask her about them?

Vanessa: Sure, Michael. Flossy, your nurses told me one thing you still want to do is ride in a red lamborghini. Is that true Flossy?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Do you want a ride in a red lamborghini, Flossy?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Is that what you want? To ride around in a red lamborghini?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

A bright red lamborghini, Flossy. Is that what you want to ride in?

Flossy: Leave this place.

Vanessa: Well, you heard the woman. Back to you guys. And don’t come back to me.

[Cut to split screen]

Colin Jost: Actually Vanessa, could you just ask her what is the key to living a long life?

Vanessa: She’s not gonna answer. Flossy, what is the key to living a long life?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Well, I guess the girl has to have her secrets. And I’m going to tell Flossy one of my own right now.

[Vanessa whisper’s at Flossy’s ears]

Flossy: She cussed at me. She said I’m ruining this.

Vanessa: No I didn’t. Back to you guys. And if you cut back to me, I swear I’m going to say the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Vanessa!

Colin Jost: Flossy Dicky and Vanessa Bayer everyone. Thank you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind. And you can read all about in this week’s issue of…”But Why Tho?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City officials have ruled that beginning Monday, they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public. The ruling is more commonly known as “Elmo’s law”.

[Picture changes to Jared Fogle]

You’ll love this one. After just three months in prison, former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has already gained thirty pounds. But that’s what happens when your portions stop being child size. Oh, I’m the bad guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. [Colin laughing] A Florida woman found a missing cat from Wisconsin which had wandered nearly 1500 miles over two months. Or, and hear me out, sometimes cats look like other cats.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Donald Trump, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Wow, where do we even start this week? [Michael Che laughing] Somehow with OJ Simpson. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.] How surreal was that yesterday? I was watching CNN and they were like, “We interrupt this coverage of Donald Trump talking about the size of his hands to bring you an exciting update in the OJ Simpson murder investigation.” I was like, “Wow! FX is realy going all in it’s marketing campaign.” Then the LAPD holds a press conference and they say, “Here is what we know so far. A construction worker found a knife at OJ’s house and he gave the knife to one of our cops. And the cops said, “Cool. Free knife. I’d better hand on to his for 18 years.” Then I guess he saw the show on FX and he was like, “Oh! That OJ Simpson.” So, in the end, the whole point of the LAPD press conference was just saying, “Hey guys, remember how we got accused of mishandling evidence like, 20 years ago? Well, we still got it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson formally ended his presidential campaign. Said Carson, [acting like Ben Carson] “My what now?” With Carson dropping out, this was not a good week for black guys who may have stabbed people. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.]

Also this week, [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Katy Perry on a stage] Hillary Clinton hosted a fundraiser at New York city’s Radio City music hall bringing out a star studded lineup that included singer Katy Perry. So yeah, Bill was there. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, Donald Trump went on record and guaranteed that he doesn’t have a small penis. First of all, congratulations… just to America. Second, I wanna point out that if women have problems with Donald Trump on a physical level, penis size is not even in their top 10 complaints. You don’t hear a lot of women say, “I’m pretty much there on Donald Trump sexually. Just waiting on the dong measurement.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of GOP debate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And unlike republicans, I don’t want to sink to that level of talking about penis size, but since we’re here, you know who I feel bad for is Ben Carson. He picked a hell of a time to drop out. Coz there is no way he doesn’t have the biggest penis of them all. Not because he’s black. But because he’s a little slow.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know how I get it. Bernie Sanders raised over $40 million from donors this month. Sanders’ campaign is now so rich, it’s voting for Hillary Clinton.

Voters For Trump ad

Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of country areas]

Female voice: The media has been saying some pretty negative things about Donald Trump. But what are real American’s saying?

Taran: The guy is a winner..

Vanessa: He is authentic.

Bobby: He’s the only one who has actually created jobs.

Aidy: He literally wrote the book on negotiating.

Beck: Trump’s an outsider. Washington needs that.

Kyle: I think he can make this country great again.

Female voice: So, when people ask why you support Donald Trump, you just tell them…

Taran: He’s gonna take our economy from here to here. [Taran has a Nazi band on his arm] And I like that.

Vanessa: [ironing her clothes] He’s not some cautious politician. He says what I’m thinking. [when Vanessa turns her cloth over, it’s a KKK robe.]

Bobby: [painting on a house] I don’t know what it is. I just like the guy. [Bobby climbs down the ladder. He had painted ‘White Power’ on a house.]

Aidy: Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he’s looking towards solutions. [Aidy has a lot of bulletin board notes over Muslims]

Beck: [sitting before the fireplace] He’s definitely not PC. [He throws books to burn the fire]

Kyle: [carrying logs] So, why do I support Trump? Three words. Good at business. [There are three KKKs dancing behind Kyle]

Female voice: A message from Racists for Donald Trump.

Silver Star Catering

Taran Killam

Toby… Jonah Hill

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with colleagues having a meal together]

Taran: Alright, I think we can all agree that the basic financials make sense. Let’s get into the needy greedy of the merger. I’m really sorry we had to work through dinner but we’ve got a lot to go through.

[Toby walks in]

Toby: And don’t worry. We have enough food because the whole event is catered by Silver Star Catering.

Taran: That’s right. I actually forget to mention. We are trying a new caterer out. So, enjoy. Okay, now what I wanna do is focus on–

[Toby walks in again]

Toby: All bunches in the snack platters have been made by hand. Enjoy.

Taran: Okay. Great. Thank you again. Dave, you brought the latest proposal.

Beck: Got it right here, sir. Pass these out please. Alright. And you see, [Beck picks up chips and eats it] um.

Toby: And we’re a freaking hit!

Beck: As you can see from the latest proposal, there’s going to be hiring freeze. If not, some short term layoffs.

[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]

Toby: Mike, it’s Toby. Just wanna give you a little run down of what’s happening. The food is on absolute runaway. Smash hit!

[Cut to Kenan and 5]

Kenan: So obviously this will need to be approached with some delicacy?

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Of course. Lot of hard choices to be made on both sides.

[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]

Toby: They liking it? I’ll tell ya’. Everything! The chicken wraps, munched! The roast piece sandwiches, munched!

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Um, sir.

Toby: Kinwa, munched! House!

Taran: Hey, excuse me!

Toby: Dry pepper paneer, scorfed!

Taran: Excuse me! Excuse me.

Toby: Yeah, I’m on the phone.

Taran: Yeah, I know, and you’re being very loud.

Toby: Pigs in a blanket, let me check. Absolutely munched! Even the new monkey bird is gobbled.

Taran: Okay, you know what Toby? I think we have a bit of a problem here.

Toby: Mike, we’re a hit. I’m crying. The spicy humus, chomped! It’s a miracle. We’re gonna need to scale up. Hire five black guys.

[Cut to Kenan looking at Toby angrily]

Kenan: Black guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Toby: And Mike, don’t get me started on the goodies. Twizzlers, munched! Bon M&ms, no nice way to say it, raped! Italian cookies, finger blasted.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Toby!

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Bola ranch, gang-banged! Dallas 500, it took em’ all. It took em all and it loved it.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No one has even touched the ranch.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: I’m on the phone. It’s a business call. [whispering] Sorry Mike, it’s a mad house. What? What do you mean your’e getting robbed?

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: okay, why doesn’t everybody just read the proposal on their own quietly?

[Toby leans toward’s 6’s and Toby’s ears]

Toby: Oh, they’re eating like hogs in a truck full of hog slob midge, midge, midge. She didn’t even come up for air. She’s deep-throating the broccoli, Mike. What do you mean you’re still getting robbed? Fight back, Mike. Fight back. Hand the phone to them. Hello. Let go of Mike. He started? He tied to rob you first? Oh, Mike!

Taran: Alright! Should we take a break, maybe order some pizzas?

[Everyone stands and walks away. They haven’t ate anything.]

Toby: Let’s see what we got here.

[Toby picks a piece, puts it in his mouth, then spits it]

Oh, my god! This is gross. No wonder Sam’s club is throwing it out.

[The End]