SNL Tonight

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro]

[cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

Kitchen Staff

Jana… Ariana DeBose

Grady… James Austin Johnson

Miss Samua… Heidi Garner

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Floyd… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Jana and Grady working in the kitchen of a restaurant]

Jana: Man, I cannot believe I’m working on double the night. Ain’t no one in Texarkana spending a New Year’s Eve at Longhorn steakhouse

Grady: I know it sucks. But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be working.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Dana, Grady, what y’all doing back here ler?

Jana: We’re just prepping the salads, Miss Samua.

Miss Samua: Why y’all preppin Salads when I found two empty A-Janas in the dining room ler? This is Longhorn steakhouse. People expect to be dazzled ler.

[Miss Samua walks out]

Jana: I can’t stand Miss Samua. You ever notice how she says ‘ler’ after everything? Like, what the hell is ler?

Grady: I don’t know. But end of day, she is the boss.

[Chef walks in]

Chef: You’re talking about ler?

Grady: Oh yeah.

Jana: You know, I don’t know what you talking about, Rene.

Chef: Oh, nah, nah. I heard you talking about how Miss Samua always says ler. I ain’t never heard ler in my life.

Grady: Guys, guys, guys, come on now. I just want to get through the shift so I can get up early. And take my girls kids to the trampoline place tomorrow end of the.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Rene, where is your apron? It is New Year’s Eve. My ass is on the line ler.

Chef: Ay, Miss Samua. What ler?

Miss Samua: Excuse me?

Chef: Ler. What is ler?

Miss Samua: Rene, I can never understand you. Now, get back ler. To work, ler. Or ya’ll be in big trouble, Jana.

Jana: Hmm! Why she got to single me out? Huh? I can just– Oh! No!

Grady: Chill Jana, chill. You know she ain’t worth it end of the day. End of the day, you can’t let her get to you cause end of the day, that’s what she wants end of the day.

Chef: End of the day, Miss Samua, she was on me by some bow. I just had to walk away end of day.

[Floyd walks in]

Floyd: Y’all talking about ler? Ha-ha-ha. Last week she got on me about how I wasn’t sweeping the parking lot end of the night. End of night, I don’t sweep the parking lot. She said, “Yes, you do.” Like end of day, I don’t know what I’m going to do end of night. End of day but it’s end of night. I know what that do at the end of the day. End of day, I do what I do end of night.

Jana: Floyd, I couldn’t have said it any better end of day. Umm-umm.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Oh, Jana. I have had my limit with you. If you don’t get to working, you will be done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Texas, I will have you transferred to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Arkansas ler.

Jana: Okay. Miss Samua, you done done it now. You and me. Let’s go.

Miss Samua: Oh yeah? I’ll kick your ass.

Chef: Hey! Everybody got their own going on going on. Grady gotta go trampoline place tomorrow. Floyd got to sweep end of night. And Miss Samua say ler. End of day, I ain’t the reddest Mudbug. But we are family. Like my mama say, to people don’t be dead don’t don’t want to be dead dead don’t be dead dead when de way. Peace.

Miss Samua: Jana, I know I ride you hard. But it’s just because I see so much of myself in you lar.

Jana: End of day, Miss Samua, I hate you. Coz I lur you.

Eric Adams Press Conference

Emily Hernandez…Ariana DeBose

Eric Adams… Chris Redd

[Starts with Emily Hernandez speaking on a podium]

Emily Hernandez: Good morning, everyone. I’d like to welcome everyone to City Hall. As you know, it’s been a tough few years for New York but we have a new mayor now. And he hungry. But I will warn you the mayor does not like chaos. If y’all act up, I will come for you, okay? Now please clap for your new mayor, the friskiest uncle at your barbecue, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams.

[Eric Adams walks in]

Eric Adams: Okay. Yeah, I see you New York. Oh, smile everybody. It’s New York. It’s January, baby. [Emily Hernandez and Eric Adams dancing] Ay! Ain’t no contact but she knows I’m there. You know what I’m saying?

Emily Hernandez: Knock yourself, sir.

Eric Adams: I’ll watch you, girl. Go ahead and cut that track. What’s up, New York? It’s your homeboy, your hometown hero, Eric Adams. You feel that? New York is back baby. The city’s never had a mayor with so much swag before. I mean, y’all see me outside. The pea coat, the scarf, the shine of baldy. You can tell I have swagger. It keeps me healthy. See? The city’s been suffering for what I like to call a swagless existence. Y’all had no swag. That’s why you get sick. No offense. Let’s just be real. I haven’t been sick in over 60 years. I’m muscular. I’m vegan. And I get that dang thing every day before breakfast. You can start the day without finishing first, you understand me? I’m just playing, unless you like that. Okay, now let’s get to some questions so we can fix this city. Bishop from New York. Let’s go.

[Cut to press raising their hands to ask questions]

Ah! Ah! Ah! No, I do not do chaos in my city. Okay. I told you all that I was a police officer for over 70 years. If I get startled, I start beating people’s asses. I don’t want to do that.

Emily Hernandez: And excuse me. But this man, he is not Bill DeBlasio.

Eric Adams: No, I ain’t that weak ass.

Emily Hernandez: Now, he will kick your ass.

Eric Adams: Okay, now she’s joking, but she’s from the Bronx. So, is she? Okay, questions. Let’s start with the squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.

Mikey: Me? Okay. Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep schools open despite skyrocketing COVID numbers and outcry from teachers? Does that still make sense?

Eric Adams: Thank you, nut nut. Little squirrel man asked a really good question. Yes, kids need to stay in school. Learn about life. There are too many swagless parents out there giving their kids no swag at home and as a mayor that is so saucy, just dripping in swag goo, it hurts my heart. It’s dangerous to have your kids out there with no swag. Let me tell you a story about a boy I went to school with, little Timmy now. The boy had no swag. Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt, dumbass pants. One day little Timmy walks his dusty ass up to the finest girl in school. Tiffany DoBarton. Whoo! she was fine, you know. Now, little Timmy look to her right in the eye and boom, drop dead, right there, the lack of swagger stop the boy hard. It was so sad. You know what Shakespeare says? “If doth lack of the swagger, woth for art thou, heart shall beat no more” or something like that. Bitch, I’m from New York. Does that answer your question?

Mikey: Not really. No.

Eric Adams: Good. Next question.

Mikey: Oh wait, Mr. Mayor.

Emily Hernandez: No, no, no, no. Excuse me. Let me ask you one more question. No, no, no, no, no. That’s how y’all sound? This ain’t the C train. Okay? We have here. Proceed.

Eric Adams: Alright, then. Miss lady, go ahead.

Heidi: Mr. Mayor, last week you said low skill workers don’t have the skills to sit in an office. Do you really believe that?

Eric Adams: I’m glad you brought that back up, Princess Peach. And congrats on escaping that castle. Look, that quote was taken out of context, obviously. Let me clarify. But unskilled workers, I mean folks with trash jobs, I mean, trash lives– Wait, no. What I mean is if you were better at life, you would have a desk. No. I’m sorry. Y’all miss hearing me and it’s making me misquote myself. Listen, we in a society, okay? And there are kings and there are queens, and then everybody else below that. The dirty people. Is that better for you? Hey, I don’t like the way you making me feel right now? Man, I was a cop for 97 years. You understand me? Show me some respect. Next question. Weird Eminem.

Bowen: Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your brother have to be head of your security detail? Isn’t that nepotism?

Eric Adams: Thank you, cyka cyka Slim Shady. Now, y’all keep asking me about my brother like y’all could kick his ass or something. Listen, I was a cop for over 222 years. I trust my brother. We got a lot of secrets together. Bad too. Plus y’all forget, JFK appointed his brother. Why? Because the man had swagger. I could be your JFK, New York. And I’m out here looking for my Marilyn Monroe. Shout out. But look. But unlike JFK, I’m not gonna get popped in the head. I’m gonna receive some. Okay. That was my staff waving at me saying I should not have made that joke and that’s fair. I do apologize. Unless you like that. Now, I’ll leave you with this, New York. Y’all in good black Boolean hands, alright? And we’re gonna beat this virus together and I believe that. Plus you know what rhymes with cough? Tough. And I mean it doesn’t but it should. And New York is tough as hell. And I dare COVID to run up on me. Please COVID, come to Brooklyn bro! Walk right up to this ass whooping! Okay? I’ll leave the light on for you dog. COVID is welcome anytime in New York. You can print that.

Emily Hernandez: Okay. Well, maybe let’s not welcome the virus. But thank you everyone. Seriously.

Eric Adams: Alright. Well, let’s have a great four years everybody. Bishop from New York, let’s go.

Biden Spider-Man Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with President Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

Male voice: And now a message from President Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: Good evening. Hello, my fellow Americans. As I keep saying every chance I get, we’re in the middle of a cold, dark winter. This winter is so dark Republicans don’t think you should vote. Well, this virus has disrupted our lives, it’s canceled holidays, weddings, quinceaneras, gender reveal parties, wildfires that started as gender reveal parties, whatever the hell is happening with Novak Djokovic. I know you’re tired of getting emails from your kids’ school late at night saying, “Okay, come in tomorrow. We’re feeling lucky.” I know every time a stranger breathes on you, you think, “That’s it, I’m dead.” America, I’m here to tell you. There’s one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away. Stop seeing Spider Man. Just stop seeing Spider-Man. Think about it. When does Spider-Man man come out? December 17. When did every single person get Omachron? The week after December 17. Stop seeing Spider Man. That’s really all I have to say. I yield the remainder of my time for questions. Yes.

Ego: Yes, I’m sorry. Did you really just blame the entire spread of Omicron on people seeing Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I did. Yes. Next question.

Bowen: So, you think all COVID will end if people stopped going to the movies?

Joe Bien: I didn’t say don’t go to the movies. I said stop seeing Spider Man. See anything else? I saw the first half hour of “House a Gucci.” That’s more than enough movie for anyone.

Heidi: Is this theory based on any kind of data?

Joe Biden: Yes. Everyone in America has seen Spider Man like eight times. Everyone in America also has COVID. Stop seeing Spider Man.

Ego: Have you seen Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I couldn’t get tickets. And I’m on a Stub’s A list. Jill and I tried to go last night. They only had one seat left in the front row. What was I supposed to do? Make Jill go see “Encanto” alone while I sit two inches from the screen like this? Stop seeing Spider-Man.

Bowen: Alright, but what about experts who say that the real problem is a lack of testing?

Joe Biden: Oh, they’ve touched a Spider-Man. This got 98% on Au Gratin Potatoes.

Heidi: He meant testing for COVID.

Joe Biden: You want to know if you have COVID? Look at your head. Is it holding a ticket that says you recently went to see Spider-Man? If so, then you have COVID.

Chris: Alright, well then what about the other problems facing America? Like, inflation?

Joe Biden: Spider Man.

Bowen: Okay, then why can’t Democrats pass the Voting Rights bill?

Joe Biden: You think people can focus on voting rights? When Spider Man’s Aunt May is a freaking smoke show?

Ego: Mr. President, isn’t the real reason you can’t pass the Voting Rights Act because members of your own party refuse to get rid of the filibuster?

Joe Biden: It’s true. Spider-Man has his villains. I have Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema. The only difference is when a Spider-Man’s villain saw Kyrsten Sinema, they’d be like, “Hey, honey, that outfits a little much.”

Heidi: And what about the Russian troops that are now surrounding the Ukrainian border pushing us to the brink of World War III?

Joe Biden: I mean, if that doesn’t sound like a job for Spider-Man, I don’t know what is. Okay, I have time for one more question. Yes. The nerd.

Andrew: Mr. President, it sounds like you want people to stop seeing Spider-Man.

Joe Biden: It’s a general idea. Yes.

Andrew: But do you think that elsewhere in the multiverse there’s a version of you that wants people to see Spider-Man?

Joe Biden: Finally a good question. I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I’m consulting with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Strange. As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens. One of them’s me. One of them’s a Joe Biden that lost to Trump. That Biden hosts a show on CNBC called “T-birds, Tacos and Trains.” And then there’s a third Joe Biden, who’s the greatest president in history. My approval ratings are sky high. I’m actually supported by my own party. And I understand the show euphoria.

Ego: I’m sorry. You’re now saying that we’re living in a Spider-Man style multiverse?

Joe Biden: Doesn’t that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is? I mean, seriously? Seriously. Come on! Such a wake up every morning to look at the news and think, “Oh, this can’t be right. This is all crazy.” People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse. To wear a mask in a restaurant for the 10 feet until you sit down. The take it off for the whole meal. Once you gotta go to the bathroom, he got to put it back on the bathroom. Is there COVID in the bathroom? How does any of it make sense?

Heidi: Mr. President, are you okay?

Joe Biden: For the first time, hell yes. It’s like the webs have fallen from my eyes. We can finally see. You are ready.

[smoke appears beside Joe Biden. Then Pete walks out of the smoke.]

Pete: And the time has come. You are ready.

Bowen: Okay, who the hell is that?

Pete: I am Joe Biden from the real universe. The timeline you’re living in is about to collapse. You see, it was created as a joke starting in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Now it spiraled out of control and could explode in a minute.

Joe Biden: Am I the president in this real world?

Pete: Of course not. Did you really think you would lose four times and then finally when when you were 78?

Heidi: What about the rest of us? Are we okay in the real world?

Pete: Everyone on earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson. Your world is may be more fun for him. Now, hurry before the portal closes.

Joe Biden: I’ll come back for all of you I promise. Right, after I pass the Build Back Better bill.

Pete: Dude, even in the real universe, that thing’s not passing.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ariana DeBose Monologue

Ariana DeBose

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

[Ariana DeBose walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ariana DeBose: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so honored to be here tonight. Wow. 2020 has already been an exciting year. I am I am hosting SNL and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in “West Side Story”. Now, not many people know this, but West Side Story is actually based on another classic tale of star cross lovers, 90 day fiancé. But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community as an Afro Latina, but also the Broadway community. Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years, last past anyways. But we are a community that perseveres. I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine. And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together. And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now. Maybe, maybe a little something for West Side Story?

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Did I hear sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon?

Ariana DeBose: Ah, no, but Hi Kate.

Kate: I’m sorry. It’s my favorite show. I’d loved it since elementary school.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, well did you like the movie?

Kate: I didn’t see it. I don’t leave the house because of COVID and also because I don’t leave the house.

Ariana DeBose: Well, in that case, why don’t we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Kate: No, no, I don’t even know if I even remember the songs. Tonight In a flat. Thanks.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Tonight, tonight
it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Kate: [singing] Tonight, tonight,
there’s only you tonight
what you want, what you do, what you say

Ariana DeBose: That’s pretty good, Kate.

Kate: I’ve been on Broadway.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, you have?

Kate: Yeah, like, the sidewalk.

Ariana DeBose: [singing] I feel pretty, all so pretty
I feel gritty and witty and gay
I pity any girl who isn’t me today

Kate: [singing] See the pretty girl in that mirror there
who can that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
such a pretty smile

Ariana DeBose: Such a pretty me

I love that song. I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Kate: Yeah, which is crazy because like an hour ago we were both in sweatpants spooning our 13 year old cats.

Ariana DeBose: Yeah, well, I wasn’t doing that but that’s okay.

Kate: Yeah, me neither.

Ariana DeBose: Well, Mumbo.

[music playing. Ariana DeBose is dancing]

Your turn!

Kate: Oh, no. They know I dance.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Could be

Kate: Who knows?

Ariana DeBose: There’s something new anyday
I will know right away
soon as it shows

Both: It may come cannonballing down the
gleam in its ey bright as rose

Ariana DeBose: I like to e in America
okay, by me in America
everything free in America
for a small flee in America

Kate: Finale.

Both: Today, the minutes seem like hours
the hours go so slowly
and still the sky is light
oh moon, go bright
and make this endless day
endless night, tonight.

Ariana DeBose: Whoa! We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

All On Me

Lil T… Chris Redd

Mac… Kenan Thompson

Freddie Gibbs

Ariana DeBose

Lil T: [rapping] Lil’ T on the track, baby
Just got signed, so we rich now, ha
Whole crew gon’ eat, my girl Boo-Boo
My boy Mac wit’ me, yeah
We in the club, actin’ up, let’s go

Came through the kitchen on a Tuesday
Straight to the booth for my crew, ’bout to do things
Pop bottles, new money, at my old ways
Penny for your thoughts, I got a milli’ for the whole thing
Party’s around me, just drink and don’t speak (But they fine tho)
Shrimp tower, what’s that? We don’t eat
Give ’em tips with change we don’t need
Don’t worry ’bout a thing ’cause it’s all on me

Lil’ T winnin’, now it’s all on me
Get what you want, it’s all on me
Wear shades ’cause my shinе is all you’ll see
Black card to black card, it’s all on me
Run the check-up ‘causе it’s all on me
What’s that? ‘Cause it’s all on me
Waitress: The check, sir.

Lil T: ‘Cause it’s all on me
Oh, cool.

cause it’s all on m—

[1 looks at the check. It’s over $44,000. He’s shocked]
Oh, my God!

Ariana: Baby? Baby, what’s wrong?

Lil T: Uh, hmm? Oh, nothin’ boo, heh, Don’t worry ’bout it.
Hey Mac, hm, tell ’em how you livin’, bruh.

Mac: T give me that dough, and I’m wildin’ (No doubt)
Got the whole crew drippin in diamonds (Ayy)
Diamonds on my chain, (Ayy) ten diamond rings (Ten?)
Diamonds on my grill, (Okay) diamonds for my girl (Wait)
Benz for my girl, (Mac!) house for my girl (Hey, Mac!)
Benz for my house, (No!) house for my Benz (What?)
Benz for my moms, (No!) Benz for my kids (They babies!)
Big words what I said, cause it’s all on him

Lil T: R-run that check up, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Some is on me, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Or us though, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Who ordered this shrimp? (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Nobody eatin’ it! (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
That ain’t good, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Ariana: You can tell by the way he throw it all around [1 is collecting the money he threw before]
He got money in the bank (It’s all on T!)

Freddie Gibbs: Okay, Lil’ T, you up in the big leagues
See you spendin’ big G’s like your boy Freddie G
Young’uns making money is something I like to see
Send him one big bottle of Ace, it’s on me

Lil T: Damn, Freddie Gibbs, you doin’ it like that?

Mac: You know the club code, gotta send something back!

Lil T: I already know, yo, send something dope!
Enjoy Freddie Gibbs!

Freddie Gibbs: What’s this, diet coke? The f**k?
Boy, I should whoop your ass for bringing this ***damn Coke, boy!
Old dude’s just being cheap!
Shots for everybody and they all on T!

Lil T: No!

Freddie Gibbs: Run the check up (‘Cause it’s all on T!)
He got it! No, it’s not! (Yeah, it’s all on T!)

Lil T: No, Freddie Gibbs doesn’t represent me, though
Ariana: Now, hold up, baby, lemme get em!
Crystal poppin’ in the VIP
I got my own money, but he spendin’ on me
Get ten more bottles! (Let’s start with one!)
Five Dom Perignons! (Let’s start with none!)
And all you ho’s in the club, look but don’t touch
Gotta go through me first, now eat your box lunch
Throw that money up, whole spot going crazy! (Word!)
Cause I’m having Lil’ T’s baby!

Lil T: You’re pregnant? (It’s all on T!)
That’s why you’re not drinkin’? (It’s all on T!)
I thought there was like, a holy reason! (It’s all on T!)
I’m so stressed, (It’s all on T!)
I’m not financially prepared to be a father.

Mac: Hey, let’s close this out right, T.

Lil T: Ahh, everybody put your hands in the sky
Now drop ’em low to the floor
Now pull your credit card out
And pass it to me, bro!
Oh, who got a Venmo? Send me a Venmo!
Who got a Venmo? I need like ten mo’
(Ow-ow, bah, ow-ow) ‘Cause, it’s all on me!

[paying the bill] Hey, can you go and split these up evenly between all these? Thank you very much, it’s very important (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney

[Starts with Tom Hanks on SNL stage]

Tom Hanks: I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic. And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming. Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal. But then it all just magically disappeared. [listening to his ear piece] What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case, here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.

[Cut to the sketch]

Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin: “When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin: “Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together: “‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: Mr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean Martin: Miss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

The Christmas Socks

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: You know, Christmas is a time of charity and giving. And that was the inspiration for this next music video, which I shot yesterday morning, with Kyle Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Heidi Gardner, Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, and what should have been tonight’s musical guests Charlie XCX. It’s a heartfelt Christmas song about a magical moment between a boy and a strange man at a department store. Enjoy.

[Cut to the music video]

Paul Rudd: [singing] It was almost Christmas Day
there I stood in line to pay
at the big department store
Christmas time’s become a chore
standing right in front of me
six year old waiting nervously
when I saw him I was shocked
in his hands he held a pair of socks.

Kyle Mooney: I said I want to buy these socks
for my dear old mom
it’s Christmas and they’d be the perfect socks
it’s been a real tough year
see we got a bird
and it looks as if the bird has flown away

[the boy pays with a coins]

Paul Rudd: The boy was low on cash
so I helped him out
but then I had ask about this bird
tell me about the bird
did it say any words
or was it just one of those quiet birds?

Kyle Mooney: I guess I’d say quiet bird
never heard a word
just a bird that we got at the store

Paul Rudd: Well, I once had a bird
it never squawk to said hello
to me that’s kind of a waste of a bird

Kenan Thompson: [as a storekeeper] Hey, I’m sorry guys
but there’s a big old line
can you please give me the money for the socks?

Paul Rudd: Oh, hey, that’s my bad
go ahead, little boy
buy your mom these perfect
but wait before you do
a quick question for you
did you have a name for your bird?

Kyle Mooney: Great question, sir
we had a name for our bird
and that name was TJ Rocks

Paul Rud: TJ Rocks
that’s an interesting name
sounds like she was one of a kind

Heidi Gardner: [angry in line] I’m sorry. Can you move this conversation someplace else?

Alex Moffat: Yeah. Is he gonna pay for the Christmas socks?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah. [he pays the bill.]

[suddenly Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: There you are my son
I’ve been looking for you
I have some news about TJ Rocks

Kyle Mooney: Is it good news or bad?
what would you say it like that?
Tell me what is up with TJ rocks?

Paul Rud: I’d like to know too
Hi, I haven’t met you
I am friends with your son

Aidy Bryant: Well, I don’t like that
but back to the news
TJ Rocks is back and started a band

[Charli XCX in a bird costume singing]

TJ Rocks: I am TJ Rocks

Paul Rudd: So, she does talk.

TJ Rocks: These are the Junk Yard Boys [the band]
and we would like to play a song for you
two, three, four
I took a bus to the lay and a gock with the Junk Yard Boys

Band: TJ Rocks, TJ Rocks,

TJ Rocks: We got rich and famous,
we would wanna spend Christmas with you.

[everybody is clapping]

Kyle Mooney: TJ, you’re back.

TJ Rocks: I love you, little boy.

Kyle Mooney: [giving his mom the socks] Merry Christmas, Mom.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, sweetie.

Paul Rudd: One more thing. Will you marry me?

Aidy Bryant: Of course.

Paul Rudd and Kyle Mooney: That’s the story of Christmas socks.

 

HomeGoods

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Evelyn… Aidy Bryant

Casey… Paul Rudd

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Tina Fey, Tom Hanks and Kenan Thompson on SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: This first piece, I shot on Thursday night with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon. It’s about holiday gifts.

[Cut to the sketch. Eileen and Evelyn are on the commercial shooting set. Casey walks to them.]

Eileen: You look gorgeous.

Evelyn: You too.

Casey: Evelyn., Eileen, welcome. We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial. We know how much you love home goods.

Eileen: Yeah, we sure do.

Evelyn: Yeah, maybe too much.

Casey: I’m the director, Casey Home Goods. And I got this job on merit.

Evelyn: Okay.

Casey: Anyway, it can be hard to know what to get moms for the holidays. That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what they actually want. Think you can do that?

Eileen: Well, I should think so.

Evelyn: Yeah, I think We can handle that.

Casey: Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl. And action. Okay moms, what do you want for the holidays?

Eileen: Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy.

Evelyn: Don’t spend too much.

Casey: No, really? What would you like?

Eileen: Maybe… No, I don’t know.

Evelyn: Just a small… Nothing.

Casey: Seriously. You can be honest. What do you really want?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: Okay, sure. But what do you want this year?

Eileen: Grandchildren.
Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: What about something from Home Goods?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Eileen: Grandchildren. A son for my son.

Evelyn: Five grandchildren.

Casey: I think we’ve got grandchildren. Maybe we could just branch out.

Evelyn: A fuzzy blanket to swallow grandchildren.

Casey: Closer.

Eileen: Um, oh, a cake stand.

Casey: Hey, there you go.

Eileen: With grandchildren on top.

Casey: Can you just say sweater?

Evelyn: Why?

Casey: Just to have it.

Evelyn: Baby sweater.

Casey: Okay. Just sweaters.

Evelyn: Just baby.

Casey: Cut. Okay, so the thing about home goods is that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.

Eileen: That sounds like a you problem.

Evelyn: Yeah, can you check in the back?

Casey: No.

Evelyn: Well, sorry. Well, I mean, we’ve never been actor before.

Eileen: Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want out loud before. So that feels pretty good.

Casey: I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try gifts for somebody else. All right. Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best place for family gifts. What’s on your list this year?

Eileen: I want Kelsey to be full of my son.

Evelyn: I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey.

Casey: Oh my God.

Eileen: I want her daughter fertilized.

Evelyn: I want them to do the naked marriage dance.

Eileen: Fulfill the wedding promise.

Evelyn: I want the baby to come out of Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.

Casey: Items that cost money.

Eileen: Scissors to cut holes in condoms to give to Kelsey.

Casey: What? No!

Eileen: Candles to light around the living room so they make grandchildren on the carpet.

Eileen: You sell oysters here?

Casey: No, of course not.

Evelyn: I feel like I bought oysters.

Casey: Cut. Look, you two are some of our biggest Home Goods shoppers. Just today, you bought hand soap that smells like wine, 8×10 canvas with the word encourage on it.

Evelyn: A good reminder.

Casey: You know what? I’m just gonna feed you some things that we do sell. And then you just say them back. Alright? Crockpot.

Eileen: Toddler.

Casey: Apron.

Evelyn: Grandson.

Casey: Nope. Milk frother.

Eileen: Milk daughter.

Casey: Christmas wreath.

Evelyn: Boy named Keith.

Casey: Mr. Klen Magic Eraser.

Eileen: Many magic children faster.

Casey: Coffee table book.

Evelyn: No.

Casey: Cut. I don’t know why you guys are so hung up on grandchildren.

Eileen: Casey. Do you have kids?

Casey: No, no way. Too much responsibility. I mean, kids are cute. It’s nice to see them every once in a while. But not all the time.

Evelyn: Yes.

Casey: I mean, sure, it would be fun to take a little scamp who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel. Say good job when she does cartwheels on my lawn. Oh my God. I want grandchildren. Grandchildren are amazing. They don’t blame you for anything. They just play clarinet and get into college. I want them.

Evelyn: I want to take them to the Science Museum and buy them a necklace in the gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.

Eileen: I want to say something weird that makes them consider having a confrontation with me. And then do the math on how long I have and decide not to bother.

Casey: Yeah. I want to have weird opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.

Evelyn: Yes, it’s the wrong shape.

Casey: You guys are right. I’m sorry.

Eileen: It’s over. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Evelyn: Oh, that’s me.

Kelsey: Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.

Evelyn: We did it!

Casey: It’s happening!

Eileen: Kelsey!