Tag: Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle]

[three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off]

[Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]

Christmas Miracle

Dr. Bethel… Aidy Bryant

Cardinal Hanson… Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Doug… Casey Affleck

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson interviewing three people]

Dr. Bethel: I’m Dr. Bethel, professor of geology at Yale. And this is Cardinal Hansom from the council of miraculous phenomena.

Cardinal Hanson: As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.

Dr. Bethel: Yeah. We believe you’ve had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.

[Cut to the interviewees]

Sharon: This is nuts, man! I mean, we’re just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas eve and now we’re a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Indeed. Tell us what happened after you awoke.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs and Santa was standing there in our living room. Real as rain.

[Cut to Sharon]

Sharon: And he said, “Come with me to the North Pole”, and just like that we were on his sleigh with the reindeer and everything.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Huh, miraculous.

Dr. Bethel: And you, Ms. Rafferty?

[Cut to Colleen. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Colleen: Yeah, a little different for me. I’m crashing in their guest room, right? I came downstairs a little later. They were gone. And I was met by a nine foot tall goad man named Crinkle Mouse who according to some German fairytale is Santa’s helper. And he points a hoof at me and he goes [making animal sound]. And I kind of got the hint that I should come with.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And were you taken to Santa’s sleigh?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Oh, no, no, no, no. Crinkle mouse turns out travels by dog sled. Which sounds fun but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the freaking dog team. And these dogs don’t fly, they run. Let me tell you, if you think you can’t run as fast as a dog, you’re right. A minute in, I fall, get dragged for a mile over a forest floor and my sweats get yanked off. So, now there’s nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter. Look, wasn’t the worst time I have had on all fours.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Doug: Well, it sounds crazy but we were taken to Santa’s workshop, man. It was beautiful. And it smelled just like gingerbread. My beard still smells like it, ma’am.

Sharon: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. Warmed my tummy and my heart.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Colleen: [shocked] What? [Cut to Colleen] These two were in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, “You work!” Also I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs, that’s Mrs. Crinkle Mouse who looks more like a ram than a goat. She’s either jealous or a les, coz she starts ramming my knocker like– [Cut to Colleen and Sharon] Pardon me, Sharon. She’s going [starts rubbing her face on Sharon’s breasts]

Sharon: That’s enough. They get it, I think. They get it.

Colleen: Like that.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: And what happened next in the workshop?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, you’re not going to believe me, but the elves came out. We all sang songs.

Doug: Yeah. There were a bunch of cubby guys in fun pointy hats with these cute toes and noses.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yo, stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Golem. Smelled like a hard-boiled egg and I swear to god, this little bastard’s name was Shart.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Okay. Well, did he also sing and dance?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: No. No. He’s in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it’s time to check them for worms. Cut to I’m holding onto a lady reindeer, I’m keeping her steady while Shart is poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I’m 20, 30 feet off the ground and still rocking zero pants here. So my hog taker and log maker are on full display. Let’s just say I understand why Crinkle Mouse and company aren’t showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas cans.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Doug: God, I don’t think you had as good a time as we did.

Colleen: Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And how were you returned home?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, Santa sprinkled magic dust and the whole workshop dissolved around us.

Doug: Then we were back in our living room, Christmas morning. We went right out and loaded up the flat bed with Christmas ham for the poor, came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: [smiling] Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, so does Shart. Coz when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolved into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I tripped some sort of alarm so the cops show up and mind you, I am still pants-less. So now, I’m spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I’m thinking, “Dammit! Colleen, you’re becoming your mother.”

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Wow! Remarkable. Do you think you’ll ever see these spirits again?

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Sharon: No. But I feel St. Nick in my heart.

Doug: Yeah. I see him whenever I see a child smile.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs, so Shart can’t be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me hom.

[Cut to the window. Shart is knocking the window looking at Colleen. Colleen sees him]

Oh, boy! Great! What the hell am I going to feed that thing?

Science Presentation

Aidy Bryant

Ray… John Cena

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Miles… Mikey day

Heather… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]

Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.

Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.

Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.

Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.

Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.

Ray: No problem.

[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]

Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.

Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.

Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.

Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.

Ray: Bananas.

Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.

Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.

Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.

Heather: Thank you.

Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.

Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.

Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.

Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.

Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.

Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.

Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.

Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.

Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?

Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.

Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]

Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.

Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.

Miles: I promise you that is an orange.

Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.

Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.

Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.

Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?

Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.

Kenan: Very disappointing.

Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?

Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?

Beck: Bingo!

Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?

[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]

Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.

Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?

Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?

[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]

Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.

Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?

[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]

Beck: It’s okay.

Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!

Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.

Miles: [disappointed] What?

Aidy: Heather, 70.2%

Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.

Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.

Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!

Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.

Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.

Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book]

[The End]

Romance Bookstore

Vanessa Bayer

Mitchel… Beck Bennett

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Dan… John Cena

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Vanessa and Mitchel entering a bookstore]

Vanessa: Oh, sexy. Baby, it’s an erotic bookstore.

Mitchel: Anything to help our dumb ass dry spell.

Vanessa: Mitchel!

Carol: Aw! Welcome to the Scorched Corset, where fantasies delight.

Kenan: What my friend Carol is trying to say is let us know if you need anything.

Vanessa: Yeah. We’re just browsing. Do you have something by Jacquelin Livo?

Carol: Hmm, have you read the Ranch hand and the Row?

Vanessa: I have not.

Carol: Okay, well let me retrieve it for you. Our stock boy should know where it is. Jon George!

[Dan walks in. He is a big man with long silky blonde hair.]

Dan: Yes.

Carol: Assist me at once.

Dan: Sure. Let’s get that book.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: She’ll be right back.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Oh, Dan. Oh, you want me, I know it. But we’re at work. We can’t. A woman of my stature with a brut accustomed to manual labor?

Dan: Oh, yeah. I’m a big boy. I have a thick neck, big hands. I’ve been waiting you so bad in this store.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Vanessa, Mitchel and Kenan]

Vanessa: I’m sorry. What’s going on back there?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carol and Dan. She calls him Dan.

Mitchel: Why?

Kenan: I don’t know. But don’t worry, they never do anything. It’s all show and no go.

[Carol walks in with a book]

Carol: I found it. Here you go. I hope this teases and pleases. Now go, free of charge.

Kenan: No, no, no. It’s $5.

Mitchel: Here. [paying the money] It better be five bucks of bedroom magic. Come on.

[Vanessa and Mitchel walk out]

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Hi. I’m looking for a fun light read for a long plain ride?

Carol: Ah! Perhaps you’ll like the work of Feather Dubreaux. Dan!

[Dan walks in]

Dan: Yea.

Carol: To the bookcase.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: Let’s hustle Carol.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Quick, take me away to a fantasy. I’m on an Irish cliff. My hair is red and very wide.  It’s blowing in the Irish wind and I’ve known only as Lady Velvet.

Dan: And I’m the guy who puts the horse food in the horse bucket. Yes, I’m dirty, and strong.

Carol: Yes! You woke up my estate.

Dan: And I have fix, stake hands, right?

Carol: Yes.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Melissa and Kenan]

Melissa: So, are they a couple?

Kenan: No, they’re damn not. They just work here. I mean, she does.

Melissa: And he doesn’t?

Kenan: No, he works for her.

Melissa: What do you mean?

Kenan: She pays him out of her paycheck.

Melissa: But she’s the owner?

Kenan: No, I am.

Melissa: So, he doesn’t work here?

Kenan: Right.

Melissa: And that doesn’t bother you?

Kenan: I mean, it really does, but what am I gonna do? You know?

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Carol: My tiny pink nips scream in the howling wind.

Dan: And my thick stake hands reach at those.

Carol: Oh, but we shan’t touch because I’m a lady of gold coins, satin gloves and tiny decadent cakes.

Dan: And I am a dirt man that knows only sex.

[Dan opens his shirt]

Carol: Oh! Teach me!

Kenan: Get the book! Get the damn book!

[Carol walks in with a book in her hand]

Carol: Here, here. Take it as a gift. Now go.

Kenan: No, you must pay.

Melissa: This isn’t Feather Dubreaux. This is Tanya Whitmore. She writes filth.

Kenan: Carol, fix this.

Carol: Oh, I shall. Dan!

[Carol runs out]

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Dan: I’m a cave man with a big gun.

Carol: Oh, and I’m horny wealthy ghost with full throttle knockers. [Carol shows her bra]

Dan: And I grab your ghost butt with my ten pound hands.

[Cut to Kenan and Melissa]

Kenan: I’m really sorry. This is embarrassing. Just one moment please.

[Kenan goes behind]

[Cut to Carol, Kenan and Dan]

Kenan: Look, you two. Stop it and listen to me. I am on horseback. Leather chaps my skin as I ride atop the red rocks of Sedona.

Joanne & The Tree

Mr. Jenkins… John Cena

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]

Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.

Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.

[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]

Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.

Cara: Go, Joanne

All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!

Cara: Little higher Joanne.

[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]

Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?

[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]

Cara: Oh my god!

Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.

Cara: Christmas is ruined.

Leslie: Look, there she is.

[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]

Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.

Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.

Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.

Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.

Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.

Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.

Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.

Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.

Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.

Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.

Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.

Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.

Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.

Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.

[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]

Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!

Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.

Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.

Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.

Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.

Joanne: Oh, that will do it.

[Joanne slips her hand and falls]

Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.

Beck: Poor tree as well.

Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.

Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.

[Cut to Joanne falling down]

Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!

Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.

Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?

[Santa just takes the tree away]

Santa, no!

Dyke & Fats Save Christmas

Dyke… Kate McKinnon

Fats… Aidy Bryant

Chief… John Cena

[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.

[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]

Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.

[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.

[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa]

[Cut to the police station]

Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.

Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.

Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.

Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.

Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.

Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.

Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.

Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?

Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?

Fats: We’re back to that?

Dyke: No, we’re past that.

Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!

[The End]

The Christmas Candle (Emma Stone)

Emma Stone

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Emma, Kate and Aidy in a room full of candles and a Christmas tree.]

Kate: Everyone knows the story…

Emma: Of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Aidy: This is the story…

Emma: Of another more powerful Christmas savior.

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] The snow’s falling down
it’s Christmas time again
a woman has to get a gift for some girl at work named Jen

Emma: She doesn’t know what Jen likes
and she doesn’t super care
so she goes inside a closet just to see what crap’s in there

Aidy: And in darkness there’s a light
then suddenly she sees the Christmas savior’s here tonight

All: It’s a candle, peach candle
it’s been sitting by a bike for a year
for a year
She takes the candle
dust off the candle
and wraps it up for Jen and just says “Here”.

Emma: Then one day after this
in foggy London town
two acquaintances are having cheer when one puts a present down

Kate: The other says, “Wait, what?”
I mean I got you something too
and she rummages inside her purse for garbage that will do

Aidy: And it settles on
something that she had just gotten from her boyfriend’s mom

All: It’s a candle, same peach candle
regifted round the world in just one day
just one day
thank you candle, the one true candle
the candle we all get, then give away.

Aidy: But here’s a warning,
when you give a candle that is all that she needs
don’t pair it with the lotion or some little cream
a lot of people think two gifts are better than one
but that just makes each gift seem smaller and dumb

All: So, just give the candle, don’t overthink the candle
it’s passed to very single woman and most gays
we all get candle, we all give the candle
that $9 candle, that almost new candle
enjoyed by the candle,
it’s a gift of having a gift to give away

a gift of having a gift to give away

Emma: Thank you, candle.

High School Theatre Show with Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Emma Stone

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Woodbridge High School, Student Theatre Showcase intro]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School’s Student Theatre Showcase.

Emma: Written and directed by us. The students.

Aidy: And yes, it’s very hard for us to be up here doing theatre during this current political climate.

Emma: But now, more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

Aidy: So without further due, please enjoy our show. Now more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[The lights turn on]

Kyle: We open on a very dark days to the world.

Beck: Okay Jews, let’s go.

[the actors are in line]

Emma: Mommy, do we have to?

Kate: Yes, honey. That’s the rules of the holocaust.

Emma: Okay, mommy. And mommy, one more question, what year is it again?

Kate: Honey, you know what year it is. Its… 2017.

All: Surprise!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

Kenan: I always forget how bad these are.

Vanessa: Ah! That one kind of made a good point though.

Kenan: They can never know you said that.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: Look, look, it’s Kylie Jenner.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Emma: Look, look, it’s Chris Hemsworth.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Mikey: Look, look, it’s …a scientist.

All: Ah, no thanks. Wow!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Uh, the program says, “Tonight’s proceeds go to Standing Rock, let’s get those native Americans the pipeline they want.”

Kenan: Yeah. I don’t think they know what’s happening there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are speaking in foreign language]

Emma: And scene. Excuse me, ma’am, could you understand that?

Vanessa: Um, no.

Emma: Is it because we were speaking Mandarin?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

Emma: And you only know English?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

All: Sad!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was not Mandarin. I heard them say dog in Spanish a few times.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: [coughing] Yep, you guessed it. I have AIDS. I used to be sad about my AIDS. I didn’t want AIDS. My AIDS made me feel less then. But now, I don’t let AIDS define me.

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, this one’s actually nice.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: I’m okay with AIDS. I love my AIDS. I’m glad I have AIDS and I wish everyone in the world had AIDS. Because frankly, AIDS…

All: Rocks!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: That sort of became pro-getting-AIDS.

Kenan: Yeah, she over shot the runway at the end there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Hey guys, for this next part, we’re gonna do something really fun. We’ve been studying improv all semester. So, all we need is a word and we’ll use it to inform this next scene.

Kenan: Basketball.

Beck: Okay, basketball. Here we go.

Emma: Honey, why are you crying?

Kyle: A kid at school called me a fairy.

Emma: Ah! Don’t listen to him. it’s great to be gay. I love you no matter who you are.

Kyle: Thanks mom. That’s important for me to hear.

Emma: Of course. Now go wash up for dinner.

Kyle: What are we having?

Emma: Basketball!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That’s it?

Vanessa: I paid $1,000 for that improv class.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are kissing each other]

Kate: How about from now on, less shooting more kissing?

All: Black lives matter.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was their Black Lives Matter scene?

Vanessa: I’m pretty sure they all just wanted to kiss each other and then made it about something.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors bow down]

Emma: Thank you. That’s our show.

Aidy: And remember guys, don’t throw away your tickets, coz if you save them, you can frame them. Yes.

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]