Tag: Aidy Bryant

Wells Fargo Wagon

Winthrop… Kyle Mooney

Mason… Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Sally… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

[Starts with The Music Man intro]

Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.

[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]

Winthrop: Mason! Mason!

Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.

Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?

Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.

[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]

Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!

Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.

[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]

Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]

Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me

Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street 

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

[Kate walks in]

Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday

Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos 

[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]

Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa

All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

Oh please let it be for me

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation

[Cut to all]

All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me

[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]

Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.

Winthrop: Our instruments.

Sally: Do you have my clarinet?

Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.

Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?

Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?

Winthrop: Winthrop.

Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?

Sally: Sally.

Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.

[He’s pointing at the mailbox]

Kate: That’s a mailbox!

[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]

Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?

Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?

[Cut to the children]

Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]

Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–

[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]

Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: No, they didn’t.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.

[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]

Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.

Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?

Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.

[music playing]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation

Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…

All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be

Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.

All: Just for me.

Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.

The Hunch Bunch

Josh… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Fenster … Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Ted… Beck Bennett

Becca Ashley… Margot Robbie

[Starts with the Hunch Bunch intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Nick@Nite, now back to a classic episode of the Hunch Bunch.

[The characters get into a room. It looks like a haunted house.]

Josh: Okay, the coast is clear.

Aidy: Ew, cobwebs. I hate spiders.

Fenster: You’re worried about the cobwebs? Did you forget about the monster?

Cecily: Stop chitchatting and look for clues, you two.

Ted: Just once, I’d like to solve a mystery in a place that isn’t spooky.

Josh: We can do it Hunch Bunch. We just have to use our heads.

Becca Ashley: Can I just say? This is so much fun. I have been bugging Ted for doing mystery for weeks.

Cecily: No problem, Becca Ashley. We’re gonna need all the help we can get.

Fenster: Well, like, no clue’s here. We can go now. Who’s hungry?

[Fenster walks away]

Aidy: You’re such a fraidy cat, Fenster.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca Ashley: Yeah, you lame ass pussy.

Ted: Babe, don’t say that!

Becca Ashley: What? I was just joining in teasing.

Ted: Yeah, but like, you don’t know these guys that well yet. You know, just pump the brakes.

Josh: Well, lookie here. If there’s a real monster hunting this castle, [Josh finds a monster mask] then what’s this?

Becca Ashley: Oh! The monster’s face.

Josh: Well, sort of Becca Ashley. It’s a mask. Which means…

Becca Ashley: The monster made a mask of his own face.

Josh: Good guess but I have a hunch there is no monster.

Cecily: So that means the monster…

Everybody: Is ground’s keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: [not following] Mask of his own face!

Ted: Babe!

Aidy: It all adds up. Grounds keeper Cogin just wants the castle all to himself.

Ted: And what better way to scare off visitors then dressing up as a spooky monster.

Fenster: But wait. If grounds keeper Cogin’s the monster, like, how did he get from here to the dining room so fast?

Josh: There must be some sort–

Becca Ashley: [interrupting] He had a bike.

Aidy: Ted, can you…

Ted: Yeah. Babe, let’s just listen for a while, okay? You know, it’s actually super interesting how it all gets solved.

Josh: I know how grounds keeper Cogin got across the house so fast. He had some sort of…

[Josh pulls a book off the shelf and it opens a secret path.]

… shortcut.

Becca Ashley: What? Josh broke the bookshelf. What an idiot!

Josh: Ha-ha. I didn’t break the bookshelf. That’s a secret passage way.

Becca Ashley: Why?

Josh: What do you mean why? Because that’s what it is. It’s simply a secret passage way. Look, Becca Ashley, I want to include you because I like Ted and you’re very positive, but please, stop challenging everything say.

Becca Ashley: Yeah, but you broke it.

Josh: Okay.

[footsteps sound]

Fenster: Shh, like I hear someone coming.

Becca Ashley: Ew, who would have sex in this filthy old castle?

Josh: What? Ew, no. No!

Fenster: Like, everyone, hide!

[everyone hides]

[Grounds Keeper Cogin walks in]

Cogin: Now, where did I leave my mask?

[Becca Ashley stand and shoots at Grounds Keeper Cogin three times at his back.]

Josh: No!

Ted: Babe, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cecily: You brought a gun?

Aidy: You shot grounds keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: No, because he’s the monster.

Josh: I don’t even think he technically broke any laws.

Fenster: We have to help him. He’s still alive.

Becca Ashley: No way! I’m not going back to jail.

[Becca Ashley cocks the gun]

Everybody: No.

[Cut to video bumper]

Announcer: The Hunch Bunch [gun shot sound] will be right back.

Margot Robbie Monologue

Margot Robbie

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Margot Robbie.

[Margot Robbie walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Margot Robbie: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here tonight hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. And it’s great to be here in America during this election. I mean this is how you guys really do it. [audience laughing] I mean it’s– It’s nuts! I mean like, everybody just lies. It’s crazy. Um, which is why tonight I am going to be Margot Robbie00% honest with you. And just in case I ever do lie, I will be fact checking my own monologue. But don’t worry, I never lie.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

I lie all the time. My name isn’t even Margot Robbie. It’s Margot Robert.

[Cut to main camera]

Now, some of you may know me from my movie ‘Suicide Squad’. [cheers and applause] Or, from my new indie film ‘The Millionaire’s Daughter’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

It’s not a real movie. I just made it up to see if you guys could clap and you did.

[Cut to main camera]

But seriously, Suicide Squad was such a great movie to work on. Jared Leto stating character like the whole time which was so, so fun.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

Not fun, it was kind of uncomfortable.

[Cut to main camera]

Just, it was fun. And now I’m here hosting SNL. [cheers and applause]

Honestly, everyone has been so welcoming this week. Especially Lorne. On Monday he walked me through the whole week and told me he is huge fan of mine. That really meant a lot.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

I’ve never really met Lorne.

[Cut to main camera]

Lorne is the best. He is–

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Margot.

Margot Robbie: Kenan, hi.

[cheers and applause]

Kenan Thompson: Wow. Season premiere. How cool is this? Man, I was so excited last night, I could not sleep.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Kenan Thompson is looking at the camera.]

This is my 14th season. I slept like a baby.

[Cut to main camera]

[Kenan Thompson walks out and Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Ay! Ay!

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry to interrupt. I just have to say I am such a huge fan of your’s. I love you Kate Upton.

Margot Robbie: Oh. Um, Leslie, I’m not– I’m not Kate Upton. I’m Margot Robbie.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, for real? I’m sorry. I’m really embarrassed.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Leslie Jones  is looking at the camera.]

I’m not embarrassed. I’ve done way worse. I called Kate McKinnon Kate Middleton for a year.

[Cut to main camera]

Well, Margot, here’s something I do know. You and I have the same birthday.

Margot Robbie: Oh, no way. July 2nd?

Leslie Jones: Yeah.

Margot Robbie: 1990?

[Leslie Jones is angry]

Leslie Jones: Yeah!

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Leslie Jones looks at the camera and leaves without saying anything.]

[Cut to main camera]

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: That’s my girl, Margot.

Margot Robbie: You guys. Cecily has been my best friend this week. She’s really shown me the fancy side of New York. Last night we even went to the ballet.

Cecily Strong: We did.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie and Cecily Strong is looking at the camera.]

We didn’t. We went to a bar called ‘Dukies’ and got wasted.

Margot Robbie: I fell into a toilet.

Cecily Strong: And I rode a mechanical bull.

[Cecily Strong turns around to another Fact Check camera[

It wasn’t a bull. It was a guy named Beef.

[Cut to main camera]

[Cecily Strong leaves and Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Am, hey Margot. Hey.

[cheers and applause]

Hi. Well, my name’s Pete Davidson and um, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but people say I’m like, kind of the hottie of the cast.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Pete Davidson is looking at the camera.]

What? People say that.

[Cut to main camera]

[Pete Davidson leaves and Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Margot, hey. Oh, man! It has been so fun having you here this week. Honestly, I think you’re my favorite host of all time.

Margot Robbie: Aw, Aidy that is so sweet.

[Margot Robbie and Aidy Bryant hug]

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Aidy Bryant is looking at the camera hugging Margot Robbie.]

Aidy Bryant: Don’t worry Drake. You’re my baby forever. I love you.

[Cut to main camera]

Margot Robbie: Anyway, we have got a great season premiere for you tonight. The Weeknd is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Actress Round Table

Karen Domineau… Aidy Bryant

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Keira Knightley… Margot Robbie

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with 2016 New York Film Festival: Women’s Round Table video bumper]

[Cut to five women sitting at a round table.]

Karen Domineau: Hello and welcome to the 2016 New York Film Festival Actress Round Table. Now, today our topic is women in Hollywood and Hollywood in women. Joining me are some of the industry’s leaders. To my left, Academy Award winner, Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Thank you.

Karen Domineau: Star of the imitation game, Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley: Thank you. Actually, so great to be here supporting my fiml.

Karen Domineau: And her film ‘Queen of Katwe’ is in theatres now, Ms. Lupita Nyong’o.

Lupita Nyong’o: Thank you for having me.

Karen Domineau: And we are thrilled to have with us today, a Hollywood legend whose career spans eight decades. She has worked with Humphrey Bogart, Cecil B. DeMille and Alfred Hitchcock to name a few, the great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s a pleasure to be aiive.

Karen Domineau: Well, let’s get started now. As women, what are some of the unique challenged you’ve faced in your film careers.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard and Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Well, the roles just aren’t there. I mean, everyone wants to cast you as the girlfriend, mother, beautiful girlfriend, beautiful mother.

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Exactly. Everyone asks, “What are you wearing?” But nobody asks, “What are you thinking?”

Debette Goldry: Yeah. Everyone who gives you drugs to wake you up, drugs to sleep.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: I’m sorry. What?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, um, back at MGM they’d give me opioid injections in my toes to keep my quiet between takes. And then, they have a little man run over to give me a shot of enfilmin to say my line. “Stop hitting me with that shovel, Clark Gable.” You know. And then, what? More opiuim. You girls tell me what it is.

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: No, we don’t. Is that it? The thing that happened?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, sweetheart, with opium, you never really know, do you?

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: Um, Debette brings up a good point. Though, have there been moments where you’ve felt you’ve been treated differently because you are a woman?

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, of course. I’ve had so many meetings where the men hit on me. It’s so disgraceful.

Debette Goldry: Ah! I gotta agree with little Peter No-no over here. I once had an audition where the producer said, “Have sex with me and you’ll get the part.”

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh my god! What did you do?

Debette Goldry: I had sex with him and he gave me the part. It was a fair trade.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: Okay, um, let’s pivot a little. Right? Women in this industry are often not paid as much as the men. So, how have you managed to advocate for yourself financially?

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: I’m so glad you brought this up because yeah, I’m able to get 5 million now, but before I–

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: [interrupting] $5 million! Wow! Wow! No, then they used to pay me in broaches. They had it in my contract that I had to entertain our troops for free. And I went and I got over there, I found out it was for the other side. Long story short, I ended up flapping my toots for a bunch of crowds. But that’s Hollywood baby!

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Wait, you, um, you stripped for Nazis?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: I did what I had to do to support our boys.

[Cut to everybody]

Marion Cotillard: I’m sorry, I would like to say something.

Karen Domineau: Okay. Thank god.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: It will pay for the actresses is part of the solution, but the main thing we need is more women writing the parts.

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Women writers? You’d have to teach them how to read. They actually tried to teach me how to read once by putting peanut butter in my mouth, and then they remembered that’s how you make it look like a horse is talking. So they gave the part to a horse.

[Cut to 5 and Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: I don’t even know where to begin responding to that.

Debette Goldry: [looking at Lupita Nyong’o] Well, to answer your question little Peter, I did wind up pregnant.

Karen Domineau: Okay, she didn’t ask that, neither did I.

Debette Goldry: And to cover it up, they force me to marry a chimp. I said to them, I don’t want that thing pumping around on top of me but turns out, okay, the chimp was homosexual. So, we lived a very peaceful life together. Best friends. But then, the little baboon ran off with my broaches. Man!

Karen Domineau: Okay! That’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Wait, I know what that means. Alright, your crowds get to kick while they can.

[5 slowly opens her jacket.]

[The End]

Drake’s Beef

Drake

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Lorne Michaels

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drake’s Beef video bumper]

[Cut to four colleagues talking to each other]

Vanessa: You know, I never use this word, but I said, “That was cray!”

[everybody laughing]

[Drake walks in]

Drake: What’s up guys?

All: Hey!

Drake: I’m having just a little trouble with the TV most. I was just wondering if you guys could fix it.

Pete: Oh yeah. Usually you just get the remote and you press on. You don’t have TVs in Canada?

[everybody laughing]

Drake: No, we have TVs in Canada.

Pete: I know. I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding man.

Drake: Yeah, I know.

Vanessa: Yeah. I was just saying like, I don’t use the word ‘cray’ very often, but I used it and it gets…

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Yo, F* you Pete
you made a fool out of me

I used to trust you dawg
Now you embarrassing me

and you’re skinny as hell
and you make me mad
you think you funny, huh?
Well, you ain’t Josh GAD

and you tattoo sucks
you’re the guy no one likes

We used to be best friends
Now we foes for life
Damn!

[Cut to Drake walking the hallway]

[Drake runs into Leslie. She is using her phone]

Drake: What’s up, Leslie?

Leslie: Huh?

Drake: No, I was just saying. I was like, “What’s up, Leslie?”

Leslie: Ay, man! I’m sorry. I- was just distracted. Check you later.

[Leslie walks away using her phone]

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Oh you icing me b*
what did I do to you?
you used to be my best friend
now I’ll never trust you
is it stuff that I said?
cause if not that’s wack
most people I know
they would have said hi back

Damn!

[gun shot sound]

[Cut to Drake sitting alone.]

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey. Anybody using this chair?

[There’s Drake’s hat on the chair. Aidy puts the hat on the table and sit on the chair.]

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Actually I was you bitch
It was for my hat
but for took it from me
Now we nevergoing back
I can never trust you
coz you a ruin to my hat
If Josh GAD was here
he would have made me laugh

damn!

[gunshot sounds]

[Cut to Drake sitting alone. He drinks water out of bottle. There’s a little water left in the bottle.]

[Janitor walks in]

Drake: Hi there.

[The janitor takes the bottle and puts it on the trash]

Oh, I actually wasn’t done.

[The janitor looks at Drake and walks away]

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

[rapping] I said I wasn’t done
you little f* ice cream
I had like 10 sips left
you just so damn men
Now I got no friends
and I’ve got no water
and I lost my hat

Damn!

[machine gun sound]

[Cut to Drake sitting in the dressing room]

[Lorne Michaels walks in]

Lorne: Drizzy. How’s it going?

Drake: Oh! I feel like– I feel like it’s going great.

Lorne: [patting on Drake’s shoulder] You’re doing a good job.

[Drake is getting angry]

[rap beat starts playing]

[Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Good job. That’s it?
I’m doing great, you bitch!
Say that again to my face
then suck my d*

[Cut back to Drake and Lorne]

Lorne: Drake, everything okay?

Drake: Um, yeah. Yeah. Everyone’s so nice here. You know?

[Cut to Drake’s rapping video.]

[machine gun sound]

[The End]

Near-Death Experience

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Rapordy… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two doctors interviewing three women in American Medical Association]

Aidy: I’m Dr. Rhodes and this is Dr. Christian. Now, we know you’ve been through a lot this past week. And we appreciate you being here.

Bobby: Yes. The fact that you three were technically dead for 55 minutes makes your near death experience of great interest to the scientific community.

Cecily: This is nuts, man! I mean, we were just gal pals on a road trip who took a wrong turn into a lake. And now we’re medical miracles.

Aidy: Indeed. Now after your car became submerged and you lost consciousness, what was your first lucent memory?

Cecily: Um, my soul was gently lifted out of my body by like, a beautiful glowing being and it said, “I am your guardian angel. You are safe with me.” And then we just floated up out of the car into the sky.

Brie: Same here. My angel said, “Take my hand, dear child.” We floated up pretty high but I wasn’t scared. I felt like infused with this warm loving energy.

Bobby: And you, miss Rapordy?

Rapordy: Yeah, similar concept, different execution. [smoking a cigarette] My angel said, “I’m Keith. Hold on.” And then he violently yanked my soul up out of my body by the waist band in my sweatpants.

Aidy: And did you also feel loving energy?

Rapordy: No. No. What I mostly felt was the pinching of an epic lady wedge. Coz I was being freaking air-lifted by the crotch in my sweatpants and it was jacked up into my coo-coo.

Bobby: I see. And this all occurred while you were floating.

Rapordy: Yeah, I wouldn’t call it float. Uh, Keith would ratchet us into the air and quick 5 foot spurts followed by sudden stops. I think if I was a role, it would be employee of the month.

Bobby: I see. Now, after you left your bodies, what happened next?

Cecily: Um, I was in a tunnel and at the end there was a bright glow like, beaconing me forward. I drifted to the light with my angel. I don’t know. It felt like I was going like, home.

Brie: Yeah. I mean, it sounds corny but the close I got to the light, the more my heart filled with love.

Rapordy: What? These two Cinderellas are going to the ball. Meanwhile, cut to my tunnel, which is a 6 miles long steep slope that Keith made me run down in flip-flops. And now mind you, my sweats were so stretched out, they kept falling off. So I just had to kick em’ off. And now, I’m full Donald Ducking it. And I’m hoofing down a 45 degree decline with my fun-bun and mud-gun hanging out playing view.

Bobby: Now, what occurred when you all reached the end of this tunnel?

Cecily: In the light, I saw my mama. She said, “I’m always with you, baby.” I just never wanted to let go.

Brie: I saw my grand daddy. He took my hand. He didn’t say anything. He just smiled and happy cried. Words can’t describe how amazing it was.

Rapordy: Well, again I stray from the pack here. So, I get into my light and out come thousands of dogs. All sizes, all breeds. Just dogs running around, playing and yapping and nipping at each other. And I’m sporting no pants. So, I’m fighting off to gaggle at cold snouts trying to sniff my drainer and my stainer. Look, at least somebody’s interested, right?

Aidy: And now, do dogs have special significance in your life?

Rapordy: No. No. No. I think Keith bached and sent me to dog heaven. By this point, it’s pretty clear, Keith was learning on the job.

Aidy: Do any of you remember the moment you essentially came back to life?

Brie: Yeah. My angel said to me, “It is not your time.” And then cradled me like a baby, took me back down and gently placed my soul back into my body.

Cecily: Yeah. It felt like being tucked into bed by your mama.

Rapordy: Okay. Now I am actually a little ticked off. My angel jammed my soul into my body like it was shoving a carry on into a crowded over head bin. I was like, “Keith, bud, maybe come up with a different game plan here.” And he was like, “No, no. I can make it fit.” And he was using his elbows, jamming on my soul.

Bobby: Now, why do you think it was so difficult?

Rapordy: Alright, my theory is this. Keith accidentally grabbed one of the dead dog’s souls and stuffed it into my body. Coz I’m pretty sure the soul of the Scottish Terrier has set up shop in my right knocker.

Aidy: What is it that makes you think that?

Rapordy: Well, whenever the doorbell rings, my knocker goes crazy. It’s like, I’m– I gotta–

[Raporty grabs Cecily’s right breast]

It’s like this. [shaking Cecily’s breast] Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you just demonstrate on yourself?

Rapordy: I didn’t want to wake him up.

Aidy: Well, this is all very fascinating. Well, if you’ll follow me, we’d like to do some light brain mapping.

[everybody stand]

Rapordy: Alright. Let’s just make it quick coz I think someone’s up now. [looking at her breasts] Sit! Sit!

[The End]

Baby Shower

Claire… Leslie Jones

Heather… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Brie Larson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]

All: Open it. Open it.

Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.

Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?

Brie: My due date is July 14.

Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]

Brie: When am I what?

Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]

Brie: The cut?

All: Yes, the cut.

[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]

Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.

Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.

Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.

Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.

Brie: Well, what was it for you?

Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.

Brie: Was it the end of the reception?

Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.

Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.

Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.

Brie: And when do you light it?

All: Never!

Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?

Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.

Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?

[everybody laughing]

Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.

Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.

Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.

Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?

Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.

Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.

Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.

Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Hey, mom.

Aidy: Hi, sweetie.

Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.

Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.

Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.

[Brie is shocked]

Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.

Heahter: The catch is upon us.

Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.

Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.

Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.

Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…

All: The cat, the cat, the cat.

Sasheer: Welcome sister.

[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]

Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.

All: Oh, yeah.

Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.

[The End]

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out]

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.]

[The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]

Expedition

Aidy Bryant

David Paul… Fred Armisen

Donny Grande… Kyle Mooney

Harriet Walls… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a classroom]

Aidy: Okay class, settle down now. Now, we’ve been learning a lot about western expansion. Well, guess what? Last night, I was at an Italian restaurant having a glass of wine and a lovely meatball salad. And the table right next to me had some actors from the Albany Educational Theatre Festival. And they were doing a new show about Lewis and Clark. How exciting is that?

[The students are not excited at all]

So, I asked them to come and perform for you and they said yes. Come on in, guys.

[Aidy opens the door. Three people walk in looking very excited]

David: Hey. Hey, everybody.

Donny: Hey, everyone. Great looking class.

Harriet: We are three of the actors from the show Lewis and Clark.

David: That’s right. I’m playing Lewis. My name is David Paul. I relate to Lewis on so many levels. Oh god, where do I start? We’re both athletic outdoorsmen. You know the type. If you saw me on long shorts and a tank top, you’d see exactly what I’m talking about. [pointing at Sasheer] Right, lady?

Sasheer: I don’t know what that means.

Donny: And we’ve heard a lot about Lewis. What the heck about Clark? Hi, I’m Donny Grande. I’ll be playing the role of trusty sidekick Clark. Soldier, explorer, politician and boo, slave owner.

Harriet: But remember guys, nobody knew it was bad back then. And hi. I’m Harriet Walls. But all of you probably know me by my non-equity stage name Diamond Karns. Now I’ll be playing Indian girl, Sake Juwiya. Just feel free to laugh, cry or simply enjoy by screaming out. You know? We don’t wanna tell you how to feel.

David: Just please don’t touch us.

Harriet: Okay? So then, everyone get ready to time travel back to 1803.

[Harriet plays the background music.]

[They act as if they’re walking]

David: Where are you taking us, Sake Joe?

Donny: We’ve been going now for it seems like days.

Harriet: We go up. More up. Mountain.

David: [screaming] Ah!

Donny: What’s wrong Lewis?

David: This is driving me mad.

Donny: I know. The cold is colder than any cold I’ve known before.

David: Not that. My manly urges. Isn’t she driving you crazy? I need sex.

Donny: With Sake Joe? I won’t lie. I guess I have thought about it.

David: Perhaps we should have three of us laying with each other.

Donny: As long as you make it clear that she is the one in the middle.

David: I was hoping I would be in the middle and she’d be on the right.

Donny: Where am I again?

Harriet: Stop. There is danger. I sense evil spirit. I must track them away with the dance of my ancestors.

[Harriet starts dancing. David and Donny are looking at her.]

Sasheer: Is this okay for us to watch?

Jordan: Yes!

Donny: Ah! I fear on my release!

David: No, save it. Stick to the plan.

Aidy: Okay, okay. I need to stop you right now. Okay. I need to stop you because this is breathtaking. I am very moved and I think I better go back over there before I start crying.

David: Don’t apologize. We love feedback.

Harriet: Okay guys, anyway, skip ahead. We make it to the continental divide all the way to the pacific coast. But what happened next? Let’s go back and see.

[Harriet plays the background music]

David: We made it. Now we can do that thing we were talking about.

Donny: Yes. Should I get down on the ground?

David: Yes. And I will lay on top of you so that Juwiya can lay off to our right.

Donny: Off? No, this is not what I wanted. Lewis, I told you how it has to go down for me to be okay with everything.

David: It’s gonna be the same thing. It feels exactly the same. She’ll be right nearby. Just, lay on this rock part.

[David lays Donny on the table]

Donny: No Lewis, stop. Get off me.

Jon: Is this part of the play or is it really happening?

Aidy: Okay, kid. Be quiet and have some damn respect for our guests.

David: Relax Clark, don’t fight this.

Harriet: Look my eyes while he lay one you.

Donny: No!

Harriet: Pretend it me.

David: Listen to her. She has ancient wisdom.

Harriet: It’s true.

[school bell ringing]

Aidy: Okay class, I’m sorry, they were just about to do it. [the students walk outside] But we have to stop here. The kids have their lunch break. [Jordan is staying] Jordan, don’t you wanna eat?

Jordan: No, no. I’m finally engaged with learning.

David: Wow, we’re getting through to someone.

Harriet: Well, alright, let’s take it home fellas.

David: Okay. Take your pans off Clark

Donny: Fine! Just no kissing.

David: Of course not.

Harriet: I stay here.

Aidy: Jordan, are you crying as hard as I am?

[The End]