Tag: Aidy Bryant

Prom Queen

Norman Ostroburg… Michael Keaton

Pete Davidson

Eddie… Mike O’Brien

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

Rich… Bobby Moyninah

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a teacher teaching students in a classroom]

Norman: So, goal here would be to make the imaginary numbers less intimidating. Let’s move on to–

[Cut to Pete and Eddie]

Pete: Hey, man! You’re going to prom?

Eddie: Of course. Looking to win my 6th consecutive Prom King.

Pete: Dude, you gotta graduate.

Eddie: Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna be Prom King and whoever I choose to take is gonna be Prom Queen.

Pete: So, you think you could anyone to prom and they’ll be queen? Just because they went with you?

Eddie: Basically.

Pete: Yeah, I don’t know.

Eddie: 200 bucks. Name anyone in the school.

Pete: Anyone?

Eddie: Anyone.

[Cut to Kate playing with her pencil in her mouth. Pete and Eddie are behind her.]

Pete: Um, that girl. [pointing at Kate]

Eddie: What Mr. Ostroburg?

Pete: [looking funny] Yes!

Eddie: It’s too hard, man! The guy’s a dork.

Pete: If you don’t think you can do it, pay up now.

[bell rings]

[Cut to Norman reading his notes. The students are leaving. Eddie approaches Norman]

Eddie: Mr. Ostroburg?

Norman: Ya.

Eddie: Holy crap, some of the stuff you were saying today, it’s real as hell.

Norman: Please, Eddie, don’t cay crap nor hell, alright?

Eddie: Alright. Um, I didn’t really get some of the stuff about imaginary numbers.

Norman: Well, if you’re free during 7th grade, we could go over then.

Eddie: Not. I could come over house after school.

Norman: Ah, well, sure. I suppose that’ll be alright.

Eddie: Right? Great! Alright.

[Kate is looking at Norman]

Kate: My next class is in here.

Norman: Okay.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie in Norman’s house.]

Norman: Here you go.

Eddie: That’s B. I think I’m starting to actually get a little bit of this stuff.

Norman: Oh! You’re a smart kid, Ed.

Eddie: I’ve got a great teacher.

Norman: Thank you. Alright, let’s get back.

[Cut to Venessa walking in with a wine glass.]

Venessa: Well, it’s 7:Eddie0. So, I’m gonna turn in. Don’t stay up too late.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Norman: Yeah, got it. Goodnight.

[Cut to Venessa. She just walks looking at them.]

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Eddie: Um, can I try something?

Norman: Sure.

[Eddie takes Norman’s glasses off. Eddie looks at him nicely then puts the glasses back on him.]

Eddie: I just kind of thought that’d be something different. Um, are you going to prom?

Norman: Yeah, for Shepra.

Eddie: Oh, I was wondering if you’d want to go with me instead.

Norman: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Eddie: Yeah?

Norman: Yeah.

Eddie: Great. That’s awesome.

Norman: Okay. Great.

[Eddie leaves]

Eddie: I’ll pick you up at 6.

[Cut to the teachers in the staff room.

Aidy: Rich, that’s crazy. You have all the hot gossip.

Rich: Please, that is nothing. You wanna hear something real juicy?

Aidy: Yes!

Sasheer: Dish it!

Rich: Eddie Galavan is taking a loser to prom and he $200 that he could make him Prom Queen.

[Norman overhears their conversation and is shocked.]

Sasheer: Eddie’s gonna turn some loser into Prom Queen?

Rich: I mean, he’s gonna try.

Sasheer: I cannot wait to see this.

[Norman storms out of the staff room]

Aidy: What a loser!

[Cut to Norman and Venessa in their house.]

Venessa: Norman. It’s 7:30. Doesn’t the prom start at 7?

Norman: Yeah. Um, moving along with the weather, so I got Ted to shop around.

Venessa: Oh, well. I’m gonna to my Vicks vapor rub and go to bed.

[Venessa leaves]

[door bell ringing]

[Norman opens the door. It’s Eddie soaking wet in the rain.]

Eddie: Hey!

Norman: What do you want?

Eddie: Listen, hear me out. There was a bet, okay? It was a stupid, stupid bet. And I don’t even care about the money or any of that. Coz I accidentally… I accidentally fell in love.

Norman: Stay right here.

[Norman goes in and comes back dressed up for prom.]

[Cut to Norman getting back home with his Prom Queen crown]

[Cut to Eddie waving his hand bye to Norman]

[Eddie leaves]

Neurotology Music Video

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Taran Killm

Colin Jost

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Written: In Kate990, the Church of Neurotology  made the following music video. It has been updated based on new information about the church.

[Cut to the music video]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Reach out your hand and follow
I have a code, code to the key
the key to the secret, the secret of space
it’s Neurotology

Aidy: Religion and science intertwined
aliens live inside of your minds
a billion year contract we have signed
it all makes sense to me

Everybody: We’ll always believe this
we are invested, invested to death

[Subtitle says Aidy left Neurotology in 2004]

[Subtitle says Kate left Neurotology in twothousandseven]

[Subtitle says Kyle has become outspoken critic of Neurotology]

[Subtitle says 4 is the author of ‘Brainwashed: My hellish years in Neurotology.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We’re in this forever
never to leave until our last breath.
We are here, our path is real we are finally free
with Neurotology

Kate: Our gorgeous religion old and true,
started in 1982
I found it brings us endless life
coz he can never die

Aidy: Our brain machines can fix our minds
our brain machines can save man kind
each brain machine cost 20 grand
and that is fair and fine.

[Subtitle shows that the woman at left of Aidy is not allowed to see her family and the woman at her right was thrown off the boat.]

Everybody: We, we are the children
the children of Meepthorp,
the science is there

[Subtitle says a woman singing makes ten cents an hour as Neurotology janitor.]

[Subtitle says Colin blackmails gay actors.]

[Subtitle says Kenan left after googling ‘Neurotology’.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We, we are a family, joined by the knowledge
the knowledge we share
We are life, we are life
We are proud to be a Neurotology
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe

[Subtitle says Taran  is a senior official of Neurotology, he has beat up everyone in this video, once drop-kicked a woman like a football]

[Subtitle says many people who are singing are missing.]

We are all, we are one, we will always be
Neurotology

 

Pepboys

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a video of Starbucks]

Female voice: Last week, Starbucks created the Race Together campaign, which encourage all the baristas across the country to start a dialog with their customers about race. It was a way to open minds and share thoughts. All over coffee. And we think Starbucks is on the right track.

[Cut to Pep Boys mechanics]

So, we at Pep Boys are starting a conversation too. This month, all Pep Boys mechanics are encouraged to start a dialog with you, the customer, about gender and sexual identity. As part of Pep Boys new Genderflect campaign.

[Cut to a Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Bobby: Listen, I should pull up whatever people wanna do. Like, if you were guy and you wanted to be a girl, that’s great. But me personally, I could never cut off my [bleep]

[The customer is confused and speechless]

Female voice: Because if we don’t talk about these issues, who will?

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Beck:  gotta question for you. You gay, right?

Colin: Yes, I am.

Beck: So, are you allowed to say, like, “That’s gay?”

Colin: I guess I can.

Beck: Oh, man! You are so lucky.

[Beck telling to his fellow staff at the counter] He get’s to say, “That’s gay!”

Kyle: Oh, so lucky.

Female voice: Our mechanics are ready to start a conversation with you about complex intersex issues.

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Aidy: If you got both parts down there, then be proud. If I had both, I’d be doing myself all day long.

[Kate doesn’t want to listen]

Kate: Please go get my car.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: You know what my favorite show is? Ellen. That’s important because she used to be a man.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Jay: Yes, she did.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Aidy: Yeah, she was a man.

Kate: Will you go get my car?

[cut to Aidy writing ‘Genderflect’ on a car’s windscreen.]

Female voice: Because Pep Boys knows that the only thing more important than your car is taking the time to genderfy.

[Cut to Kyle talking to a customer]

Kyle: I think my cousin’s kid got born wrong. Well, not wrong, you know? Coz that’s the thing, you know? It’s not wrong if it’s right the hip.

Sasheer: Uh-huh! Okay.

Kyle: Anyway. Your car is totaled.

Sasheer: What?

Female voice: Pep Boys.

Male voice: Or girls, or that third kind where you’re both.

[Cut to Aidy and Jay hugging Kate]

Kate: So, do I need new break pads or?

Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.]

[three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping]

[Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson’s Franchise Viagra Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Sasheer Zamata

Cecliy Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…

[music playing]

[Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]

“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.

[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson

Yo, check this out,

put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”

Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast

Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: What about the new Batman?

Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane

Back up singers: That’s insane!

Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.

Sasheer: The 7th sense

Kate: The 8th Samurai

Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?

Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.

Kate: Sister Act 3?

Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me

Sasheer: Toy Story 4?

Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more

Aidy: Another Smurf movie?

Dwayne Johnson: No!

[audience laughing]

[music stops]

Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.

Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow

Cecily: Boyhood 2?

Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked

Aidy: The dead gets rude

Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!

Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking

[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.]

[music stops]

Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?

[mus starts]

Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise

Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!

[money raining on them]

Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

I Can’t

Cecily Strong

Dakota Johnson

Bobby Moynihan

Margo… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a three interns in an office]

Cecily: Oh, my god! I can’t wait until this internship is over.

Dakota: I know. I need it to be summer now. This has literally been the worst winter ever.

Cecily: Urgh! I can’t even.

Dakota: It’s literally not possible.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It was like 150 degrees everyday last summer. And now it’s like negative of thousand. I literally just can’t.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Don’t even.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: No, who can even? It’s literally impossible to can. I can’t

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It’s like, what the freak? I’m wearing 150 layers and I still can’t even.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, I’m literally wearing like, six coats right now. And I’m trying to can and literally can’t.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! Is that window open? Oh, my god! That window is literally wide open right now.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, that is why it is freaking Antartica in here. Okay? Freaking Margo has her window completely open.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Margo! Can you please close that window?

[Cut to Margo. Her both arms are broken and plastered.]

Margo: I can’t.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: I am dying right now. Like, I’m literally gonna freeze to death if you don’t shut that window.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I literally cannot. Both of my arms are broken. You know this. It’s why you call me Broken Arms Margo and Stank Breath Margo with Two Broken Arms.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Margo! You broke both your arms for attention a hundred years ago. And it’s literally your excuse for everything now.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: It’s been six days. And I didn’t do it on purpose. I stage dived at karaoke and nobody caught me.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: God! She is so dramatic. I can’t even. I am not doing this with her today.

[Cut to Margo trying to drink juice off a straw but she can’t]

Margo: Look, I understand I’m not your favorite person, but could you just maybe nudge my lunch closer? I’ve been struggling to reach it for an hour.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: We are not walking a hundred miles over to your desk right now when you can’t even close the window that’s literally killing us.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I mean really, Margo? Have you like, ever thought of anyone other than yourself?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Right? God!

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: There is no god. There can’t be.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I’m so hungry right now. I haven’t eaten like a month.

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Bobby: Uh! Don’t even!

Dakota: Margo, what is that in your shirt?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, what is that? Did you spill something?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Urgh! I hate it. It’s annoying. Just go like this, it’s driving me crazy. [brushing off his shoulder] Just go like ths.

[Cut to Margo. There’s a spider on her shoulder.]

Margo: Oh, my god! Kill it! Kill it mother-F-er!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Margo! It’s probably just snow from that open window.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Margo, just do this. [brushing off her shoulder]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Do this. [brushing off her dress] Do this.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I can’t. It is impossible. My arm bones are shattered from pits to wrists. Please, kill it. Or kill me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Really? Margo? Is it that serious? Fine, just leave it there. But can you please shut that window? I’m so freezing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, my hands are literally in my sleeves right now. It’s that cold.

[Cut to Margo trying to close the window]

Margo: Fine! You want the window closed. I’ll try it.

[Margo falls outside through the window.]

[Bang]

I’m alive? I’m alive and I feel everything. Dear world! What have I done to anger you!

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Dakota: You know, she’s literally never gonna shut up about this.

Cecily: She’s so dramatic.

Bobby: I cannot even!

Monologue J.K. Simmons on Movie Roles & Snowpocalyse ft. Fred Armisen

J.K. Simmons

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, J.K. Simmons.

[J.K. Simmons walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. This has already been an amazing year for me. I was in a movie called ‘Whiplash’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. I also played a blind lawyer in a show called ‘Growing Up Fisher’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. That was canceled. [audience laughing] And I was of course the voice of the yellow m&ms. So, I’m not sure which of those I’m here hosting because of. I guess it’s probably for Whiplash. It could be for those Farmers Insurance ads. Those are fun. [cheers and applause]

But I really loved being in Whiplash. It was a dream role. For those of you who have not seen the movie, I play a sort of mean intimidating band conductor who yells at his students a lot, but that’s not me in real life at all. I’m a nice guy. I got along great with the cast this week. In fact I became really good friends with Aidy and Kyle during the snowstorm. We all wrote a song together. [cheers and applause]

[Kyle and Aidy are ready. Kyle is on drums and Aidy is on piano.]

Now, CNN said the storm was going to be a snow-pocalypse. I think we can all agree it turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four.

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No.

[Kyle stops]

Sorry Kyles, not my tempo.

Kyle: Sorry.

J.K. Simmons: It’s all good. No worries. Let’s take it again. More of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four…

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No!

[Kyle stops]

You’re rushing.

It’s okay, it’s okay. I just really want this song to be great, okay? Here we go. More of a No-pocalypse. Ha-ha, two, three, four…

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No!

[Kyle stops]

Dragging! Kyle! What is up? Come on! Can you just.. This is not your little weird videos, okay? This is the opening of the show. Can you get it together? Lose the Alf sweatshirt and goofy hair, okay? Get on my tempo.

Kyle: I think my hair’s gorgeous, but…

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: I think all hair is ridiculous.

[audience laughing]

Go, go, go!

[Kyle leaves]

Pete, come on, you’re up. Let’s go.

[Pete comes in to play the drums]

Okay, here we go. Turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Ha-ha two, three, four…

[Pete plays different beat]

Stop!

[Pete stops]

Let me ask you a question, Pete. Do you think you’re cute?

Pete: [smiling] I guess.

J.K. Simmons: Sure, all the girls love you coz you’re the SNL cutie pie, huh? You know what is not cute? [yelling] Sucking at the drums.

Pete: Come on, man!

J.K. Simmons: Maybe you could play on my tempo if you spend as much time practicing as you do smoking pot.

Pete: Oh, I’m not gonna practice 100 hours a week.

[Pete leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Sorry for yelling. I just– I really want the song to be, you know, fun. It’s gonna be cute.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: This song is so great, Mr. Simmons.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Okay. If I want you to kiss my ass, I’ll tell ya’. Get out!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I really miss Blake Shelton.

[Aidy leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Leslie, come on. Get out here. Let’s go. You’re up.

[Leslie comes in to play the drums]

Leslie: Ay man! You know, I hope I do well. I’m just gonna try to do the best for you.

J.K. Simmons: Okay, great! You coming at the end of four.

Leslie: End of what?

J.K. Simmons: Two, three, four…

[Leslie just hits the drums randomly]

Stop! [yelling] Pathetic!

Leslie: [yelling] Ay! Do not scream at me J.K.! I’m a 47 year old woman. Do not do that. You need to pump your breaths, dude!

[Leslie leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Okay, alright, alright. Fair enough. Fair enough. Alright, who else we got? Anybody, come on!

[Fred comes in to play the drums]

[cheers and applause]

Alright, can you just wipe the dumb smile off your face, Armisen? You’re not important anymore. This is New York city, you’re on SNL. Remember? You used to be on the show. I watched when you were on the show. You know who my favorite character was?

Fred: Who was that?

J.K. Simmons: Stefon.

Fred: You know, I have an idea. Maybe just be nice. Because, drumming should be fun. You know, and I think that you’re just a little sweetie. You know what? I’m gonna play something nice for this little sweetie. What do you think of that?

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: I think it’s going to be terrible.

Fred: Okay, here we go.

[Leslie starts playing drums. He is playing well.]

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: Fred Armisen! We got a great show for you tonight. D’Angelo is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Miss Trash 2015

Dadonk Fonten… J.K. Simmons

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a clip of Cheetos Auditorium]

Male voice: Live form the Cheetos Auditorium, 20 minutes outside Vegas, it’s America’s favorite beauty pageant, ‘Miss Trash 2015’.

[Cut to the stage. Dadonk is the MC.]

Dadonk: It’s Miss Trash 2015. Hello and welcome. I’m your host Dadonk Fonten. This year we celebrated Miss American, Miss Universe, but tonight we crown the queen of the dump. The woman who is best at being the worst. So, without further due, let’s meet our contestants for Miss Trash 2015.

[Cut to Aidy dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

First up, it’s Miss Trash Delaware. She has never had a sip of water. Last week she tried to join ISIS but they said, “No, thanks.” And this is interesting. She is deaf… initely not wearing any underwear.

Aidy: Oh, Hi Dadonk. My talents are banging dudes and being rude, and if I win, the first thing I’m gonna do is lay the hell down for a year! Aha-ha-ha-ha.

Dadonk: Gorgeous. Next up, please welcome Miss Trash California.

[Cut to Cecily dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

Her nickname in high school was Slime Bitch. She was once dragged behind a horse for 15 miles and she is the woman who fired shots outside Joe Biden’s house last week.

Cecily: Hi, Dadonk. I wanna be Miss Trash coz when I was young, I was boy like. And I’ve taken all that anger of resentment and let it make me insane. And my behavior’s really bad.

Dadonk: What a beautiful story. Our third finalist is Miss Trash New York.

[Cut to Kate dancing in to the stage. She is a bit well dressed than the ones before.]

She has graduated at doggie day care. Her friends describe her as Butter with Eyes. And you can’t see them but she currently has over 400 stitches.

Kate: Hi, Dadonk. I should be Miss Trash because I love to do charity. Last week, I cut my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. They used it to make three outdoor brooms.

Dadonk: Fantastic. And finally, Miss Trash Vermont.

[Cut to Venessa walking in nicely. She is wearing a nice dress and her hair is nicely done.]

She loves necklaces and her little dog, Harry.

Venessa: Um, I thought this was Miss America.

Dadonk: But, did you check the right box on the form? The boxes for Miss America and Miss Trash are very close. Almost looks like the same box, but they’re not.

Venessa: Oh, maybe I didn’t.

Dadonk: Too bad, now you’re trash. These women have been here all day, and believe it or not, they’ve already have complete makeovers.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa. Aidy, Cecily and Kate look untidy.]

We have the before pictures but the network won’t allow us to show them [Cut to Dadonk] because they’re the visual equivalent of the F word.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa]

[singing] Look in her eyes, there’s nothing inside
it’s Miss Trash 2015

[Cut to Dadonk]

Dadonk: Alright, it’s time for the question and answer round. Miss Trash California, you’re up first.

[Cecily walks in. She is dancing.]

Your question is, what is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your life?

Cecily: Okay, that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. Just today, my gynecologist told me I was accepted to UTI. And I’m so excited, my crotches are on fire!

[Cecily leaves]

Dadonk: That’s wonderful. Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: What?

Dadonk: Your question is, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Aidy: Um, I guess if that’s your thing, coo-coo-coo. But for me, marriage is all about putting that paintus into puti. Final answer.

[Aidy leaves]

Dadonk: Stunning. Miss Trash Vermont.

[Venessa walks in]

Your question, what is your one regret?

Venessa: Um, I guess I mostly regret ever making eye contact with Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Yeah! You’re my mommy now!

[Aidy pulls Venessa away]

Dadonk: And finally Miss Trash New York.

[Kate walks in]

What is the one piece of advice that you would give to young girls?

Kate: I would tell them just believe in yourselves. That’s why I got this tattoo. [Kate shows her tattoo. It says ‘BUTT’.] It says ‘believe’ in Chinese.

Dadonk: It says ‘BUTT’ in english.

Kate: Thank you.

[Kate leaves]

Dadonk: What an incredible group. It’s time for a commercial break now, but when we come back, we will finally crown Miss Trash 2015. As always, winner will be sent to the hospital and runners-up will be sent to prison.

[the contestants walk behind Dadonk]

[singing] Who will be first?
the best of the worst
it’s Miss Trash 2015

Microsoft Office Assistant

Kam… J.K. Simmons

Ruth… Aidy Bryant

Help pin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]

Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.

Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam

Kam: What the heck do I click?

Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.

Ruth: The big blue W.

Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.

Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye!

[3 leaves the screen dancing.]

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Yes!

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: How do I turn this guy off?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man!

[MS Word has birthday cake man border now.]

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes!

[All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.]

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!

Ruth: Just let me finish this page.

Kam: What are you reading?

Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.

Kam: Again?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam!

[There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.]

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?

Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Disable Pushy.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.

[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]

Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam!

[Pushy plays a sad music]

Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]

What are you waiting for?

Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude!

[3 starts dancing]

Wishin’ Boot

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Blake Shelton

[Starts with Kate, Aidy and Blake in their set.]

[music playing]

Kate: Sometimes, stormed cloud seems dark. It feels like there’s no hope.

Aidy: But trust us. There’s something out there, watching over you.

Blake: All you gotta do is believe.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [singing] When I was 16 our farm burned down
daddy took the drinking all over town
I raised my brothers in old motel
went from living in heaven to starving in hell
and then one day I heard a knock at the door
opened it up and saw a boot on the floor

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
the little black boot that makes your dreams come true.
it was the wishin’ boot
I wished for the food
when you’re in need just believe
in the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: When I was young nobody taught me wrong from right
started stealing trucks by day and hooking by night
got nowhere fast in one horse town
shot the Johnny named riddler and they took me down
I was in jail facing 20 to life
till the warden said there’s a visitor who wants to say hi

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
it gave my bail and brought me a new suit
the boot could see
see the good in me
next day by dawn it was gone
it was the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: I was working in barn with my old dog Jake
when the wishin’ boot appeared and I thought, “This is a mistake”
I walked up to the boot say everything’s alright
then the boot pulled out a knife and threatened my life
this was not the wishin’ boot, it was a fake
and suddenly my good old dog began to change in shape

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the real wishin’ boot
the whole dang time that dog had been the boot
Oh, wishin’ boot,
beautiful and true
you’re so much more than a boot
your’e the wishin’ boot

Kate: A wishin’ boot is a boot and it’s there when you need it

Aidy: Don’t ask how it knows what it knows, just take what it gives you

Kate, Aidy and Blake: And never let it to
it’s a wishin’ boot
just believe it is true
it’s hope in the form of little old dirty boot
you’re the wishin’ boot
the boot is you
tell all your friends about the boot

Aidy: About the wishin’ boot.

Blake: About the wishin’ boot.

Kate: About the wishin’ boot.

We’re gonna make so much [bleep] money off this song.

[cheers and applause]