Tag: Aidy Bryant

Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause]

[Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause]

[Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause]

[Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause]

[Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause]

[Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause]

[Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.]

[Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

High School Theatre Show with Reese Witherspoon

Aidy Bryant

Reese Witherspoon

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

Aidy: Good afternoon and welcome to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Reese: Written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Reese]

Aidy: Now, today’s show isn’t just a show. It’s also a seed.

Reese: A seed that will sprout change in our town and hopefully the whole world.

Aidy: And now, without further due, please enjoy the pulse of progress, heart beat of change.

[music playing]

[the light dims and other student members enter the stage]

[The lights are on again. Taran is sitting on a box while others are looking at him.]

Kyle: The time, now. The place, any high school in America.

[Kyle walks to another box]

Reese: [pointing at Taran]Who is that guy?

Aidy: He’s weird.

Kate: He’s a nerd.

Reese: He’ll never be anything.

Kyle: But what happens if we fast forward thirty years?

Kate: Who’s that guy?

[Taran stands up]

Reese: He is… the President.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie in the audience]

Bobby: Your daughter’s really good.

Leslie: She is my step daughter, and no, she’s not!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are standing behind the boxes but Aidy.]

Aidy: [gesturing typing on computer] Check out this new dress I got.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I had a rough day today. Feeling kind of sad.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I need some help. I think I’m depressed.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Taran: [walking towards Aidy] Next time, don’t like. Love!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Oh, no! You’re gonna be in the play, aren’t you?

Beck: Um, no! I’m just a regular audience, guys!

Leslie: No, you’re not! You’re sitting too far forward. You just gonna suck!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are posing around the boxes.]

Kate: How many times a day do you judge a book by it’s cover? [Kate jumps to Kyle] Excuse me, sir. Are you homeless?

Kyle: No, I’m just cold. I’m very rich.

Everybody: Wow!

[Kate walks to Reese]

Kyle: Excuse me ma’am. Are you rich?

Reese: No, I just have good posture. I’m homeless.

Everybody: Wow!

Kyle: Audience member, are you enjoying the play?

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Here we go.

Beck: Actually, I’m not an audience member. I’m in the play.

[Cut to the stage]

Everybody: Wow!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: Who is this play for?

Bobby: The program says that it is dedicated to John Lenon and Shonda Rhimes.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting.]

Aidy: Whisper. Whisper.

Everybody: [following Aidy] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Shout!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: How long have they been rehearsing this?

Bobby: Every single day for a year.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is standing.]

Taran: Did you hand in that paperwork?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Kyle: Did you finish those files?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [louder] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Aidy: Did you see your daughter’s first steps?

Reese: No.

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [slowly] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Bobby: I mean, is no one supervising this? I mean where is their teacher?

[Cecily leans towards Bobby’s ear from behind]

Cecily: Trust me. I made cuts.

[Cecily smokes and leans back.]

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting on the boxes.]

Aidy: Bang!

Reese: Bang!

Kyle: Bang!

Kate: Bang!

Beck: Bang!

Taran: Bang!

[Everyone stands up]

Aidy: And guess what?

Everybody: We were black.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: [standing] Yeah, I’m not okay with that.

[Cut to the stage]

[Everybody bowing down]

Aidy: Thank you. It is now time for a brief intermission during which we will all be laying on stage asleep like our congress

Reese: Feel free to come up here and look at us up close.

[the student performers pretend that they’re asleep]

[Leslie walks in front of the stage]

Leslie: Man, screw this. I’m going home to watch Judge Judy.

[The End]

Virgin Flight

Pilot…Taran Killam

Co-pilot… Pete Davidson

Scarlett Johansson

Venessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. We’ve reached increasing altitude which means I’ll turn off the seat-belt sign. [Cut to four people in the airplane] Welcome aboard our newest jet, the Virgin Dream Liner. [Cut to the cockpit] The seats are softer. There is more leg room. And it’s big and as spacious as your living room. [laughing]

As a special treat, those in first class will enjoy the services of the airline industry’s first fully automated flight attendants.

[Cut to the first class. The door opens and the automated flight attendants walk in.]

Scarlett: Welcome aboard.

Venessa: Thank you for flying Virgin Atlantic.

Pilot: These bionic ladies can do everything a human crew can do [cut to cockpit] except complain that their feet hurt. [laughing]

[Co-pilot shakes his head]

That sounded a little sexist. I certainly did not mean it to. My apologies. Sit back, relax, enjoy the flight.

[Cut to Venessa serving Bobby]

Venessa: Welcome aboard. On your service tablet, you ordered a Sprite. Is that correct?

Bobby: Yeah.

Venessa: I’m having trouble hearing. Can you speak clearly and into my face? My microphone is in my face.

Bobby: [leaning towards Venessa’s face] Yes!

Venessa: Okay. We’re all set. Here’s your Sprite. Happy Halloween.

Bobby: Halloween? It’s May.

Venessa: Good bye!

[Cut to Scarlett serving Aidy]

Scarlett: Hi, on your touch screen under ‘Treat yourself’, you requested one blanket. Would you like me to place one blanket in your hand or in your leg?

Aidy: Um, in my hands please.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble hearing you. Can you speak clearly and loudly into my face?

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] In my hands.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. One more time.

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] [yelling] Hands, woman! Hands!

Scarlett: Okay, great! Here is your blanket. What will you be for Halloween this year?

Aidy: What?

Scarlett: I’m going as Red riding hood from Into the Woods.

Aidy: Well, it’s not Halloween.

Scarlett: Happy Halloween. Good bye.

[Cut to cockpit]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. For those of you in first class, you may have noticed that automated flight crew think it’s Halloween. Just a little hiccup in the system. They’re running on last October’s program. Their technology is very advanced but also very new. So, we appreciate your patience.

[Cut to the first class. Scarlett and Venessa are throwing the towels to the passengers.

Scarlett and Venessa: Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel.

Venessa: Bien bonito, good bye.

[Cut to the cockpit]

Co-pilot: Um, I think the whole towel thing is happening again.

Pilot: Oh! Hey, there, folks. Sorry for these inconveniences. These girls are a little stubborn much like real women.

Co-pilot: Captain!

Pilot: Yeah, that most definitely was sexist and I truly do apologize. Did not mean it that way at all.

[Cut to Venessa serving Jay]

Venessa: Hello. You ordered 38 boxes of animal crackers. [Jay is shaking his head] Here are your animal crackers.

Jay: Ay, no!

[Venessa starts pouring the boxes on Jay]

I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t order no crackers.

[Cut to Bobby using his phone. Scarlett walks to him.]

Scarlett: [takes Bobby’s phone away] Your phone is not on airplane mode. Your phone is not on airplane mode.

Bobby: No, it is. It is.

[Scarlett walks to Aidy]

Scarlett: [picking up Aidy’s purse] Thank you for your trash.

Aidy: Wait! That’s my purse, robot!

[Scarlett walks away]

[Venessa walks up to Leslie]

Venessa: Hello, you indicated on your service tablet that you are a child who is flying alone and scared.

Leslie: No, I didn’t. I’m a grown ass woman.

Venessa: How about a Soda-pop as a special treat?

Leslie: No, I’m good.

[Venessa throws a glass at Leslie then starts pouring the soda on her pants.]

Hey! Man!This is Lane Bryant!

Venessa: Adios Amigo! Good bye.

[Cut to Scarlett and Bobby. Scarlett is making sound on Bobby’s ear.]

Bobby: Are you okay? Okay, I think this one’s broken!

[Cut to Pilot]

Pilot: Um, to all the first class passengers, I’d just like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Virgin. It says here that one of our flight attendants is full on broken. [Cut to Pilot and Venessa. Venessa is sitting on Co-pilot’s seat.] And it also looks like the other one has made her way into the cockpit. Not quite sure what she did to my co-pilot. But, um, while I find out, we’re gonna make an emergency landing in Phoenix, get our ducks in a row. Hey, thanks for flying with us. And happy Halloween. [laughing]

[The End]

Mayweather-Pacquiao Cold Open

Michael Buffer… Taran Killam

Floyd Mayweather… Jay Pharoah

Manny Pacquiao… Aidy Bryant

Referee… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: Good evening. As many of you know, tonight’s episode of Saturday Night Live will air concurrently with the Floyd Mayweather/ Manny Pacquio boxing match, an event many are calling: “The Fight of the Century”, “Historic, Once in a Lifetime Television” and “The Moon Landing of Sports”. In fact, right now, many of you are frantically calling your cable company to order it on Pay-Per-View, for the very reasonable cost of “one month’s food.”

Here at NBC, we did everything we possibly could to keep boxing fans glued to our network. At noon, we showed a hockey game. At 4 pm, it was the Kentucky Derby. Then at 7:30, we showed night golf. Not even regular golf- we showed golf played at night. Without a doubt, it was the whitest day in the history of professional sports.

Luckily, one of the guys in our crew knows a guy, who has a friend, who was able to steal the Pay-Per-View signal.

So, at this point, we’re just going to air the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight in it’s entirety. Without further delay, we join the action ringside.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

Michael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] Let’s get ready to rumble. In one corner with an undefeated record of 47 and 0 with 27 knockouts, [Cut to Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring] the reigning walter-weight champion of the world and also the 9th place finisher in 2007’s Dancing With the Stars, Floyd Money Mayweather.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

And in the other corner with the record of 57 wins with 38 knockouts, the pride of Philippines, [Cut to Manny Pacquiao in the boxing ring] Manny Pacman Pacquiao.

Male voice: Warning: Because this is a pirated broadcast of the fight, some of the visuals may appear distored. For example, Floyd Mayweather may appear slightly taller, while Manny Pacquiao may appear to be a white woman with a fake goatee and a t-shirt.

[Cut to Referee]

Referee: The both opponents, touch gloves.

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao comes in and touch gloves]

Okay, you know the rules. No holding, no hitting below the belt. Also, you both pretty old. They calling this the ‘Fight of the Century’ but only because your combined ages are 100. Don’t push too hard, understood?

Floyd Mayweather: Yeah.

Referee: Manny?

Manny Pacquiao: Si senor.

Referee: [whispering to Manny Pacquiao] Um, yeah, he doesn’t speak Spanish. He’s from the Philippines.

Manny Pacquiao: Yeah, okay.

Referee: Okay, that’s worse. Also, there are ton of celebrities here tonight. So, if you knock down your opponent, go to your neutral corner and have a casual drink with Mark Wahlberg and P. Diddy. If you’re the one who gets knocked down, I will count to 10 very slowly. Try to drag this fight out. I may repeat the number six several times. I might also make up the number normth. During that time, Justin Biebe will be allowed in the ring and he will do a very condescending in your direction. Are you ready Justin?

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I was born ready, y’all! I was also born premature.

[Cut to Floyd Mayweather, Referee and Manny Pacquiao in the ring]

Referee: Alright, you heard the man. Now, when you hear the bell, let’s have a fight.

[bell ringing]

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are acting like they’re boxing.]

Male voice: We apologize to viewers who are shocked by the violent intensity of tonight’s fight. This is what happens when you air raw footage from a real boxing match. It’s brutal to watch, but there’s also a strange beauty to it. Two graceful warriors locked together until the bitter…[Floyd Mayweather and Referee look at the time and leave the ring]

Okay, at this point, two of our actors Kenan Thompson and Jay Pharoah, have left the sketch to watch the actual fight in Wiz Khalifa’s dressing room.

[Manny Pacquiao is dancing alone in the ring]

So let’s just say Manny Pacquiao won. There’s no reason to change the channel.

Manny Pacquiao: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Jingle Writers

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Fayanne… Aidy Bryant

Venerra… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with Elite Advertising Agency]

Taran: Alright, guys. [Cut to Taran speaking to Kyle and Kate in the office] As you know, Landing Pampers, it’s very important to the company. So, we actually decided to bring in a couple of jingle writers to help us out.

[Cut to Taran] They’ve been out of the game for while, but they come very highly recommended. [talking to the assistant through phone] Sujan, you wanna send them in please?

[Cut to the office. Fayanne and Venerra walk in. They look like hippies.]

Fayanne: Hello, hello everyone.

Venerra: Hello.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

My name is Fayanne.

Venerra: Yes, and I am Venerra. And we are the best jingle writers in town. You ever heard of, [singing jingle] “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.”

Fayanne: [singing jingle] Chilling!

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, wow! So, you guys wrote that?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Ah, no. We wish.

Venerra: We’ve actually been out of the jingle writing scene for quite a while.

Fayanne: Yes, it got too crazy. You know the jingle scene. It’s Coke for breakfast and ash for dinner.

Venerra: So, we’ve been living off the grid in the desert for the last two years.

Fayanne: Yes, but now we are back for pampers.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Well, we are very excited to hear your jingle.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, here it is. Sweet, pure pampers.

[Venerra plays the piano and Fayanne sings. It sounds like a sad song.]

[singing] The desert echo screams like a hell-burn born of sand

he bites into the flesh of the diamond rattle snake

and with the taste of blood he cries

for pampers!

Venerra: Thank you.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kyle: Um, I think pampers would want a more traditional jingle.

Kate: Yeah, do you even know anything about diapers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Of course.

Venerra: Yes, yes. In the desert, Fayanne and I had to drink each other’s urine.

Fayanne: Yes. So, in a way, we were each other’s diapers.

Venerra: And that experience allowed us to write this next perfect jingle.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Is it too late to say no?

[Cut to everybody. Fayanne and Venerra are playing piano and singing. It’s a happy song now.]

Venerra: [singing] It’s a sunny day, smile

It’s a sunny day, smile

every day is sunny if you have a smile

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Okay, I like this.

[suddenly the music becomes sad]

Venerra: [singing] The dessert pig has fire eyes

as it’s seen a thousand deaths

[Venerra runs to Taran and sings to him]

nothing soothes it’s black end sole

except pampers!

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Um, are you sure you two are the top jingle writers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Venerra: Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard of this one? [singing jingle] “Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, it’s Papa Johns.”

[Cut to Taran looking speechless]

Taran: That’s the McDonald’s jingle.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Urgh! You sound like Papa Johns.

Venerra: Now, if you’ll indulge us, we have one more song.

Fayanne: Yes. Imagine tiny clean fresh babies playing in sunlight. And then, you hear…

[Fayanne starts playing piano and singing the sad song]

[singing] I gave birth on a desert rock

and the baby cried for death

Venerra: We needed food so very bad

we even had to eat a diaper!

[Cut to Kyle and Kate shaking their heads no.]

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: The vultures clawed out our eyes

and we screamed out for mercy

Fayanne and Venerra: And pampers!

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: We accept personal checks and sacagawea coins only.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: You need to leave now.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, if you change your mind, just whisper our name to an owl.

[The End]

Girlfriends Talk Show with Scarlett Johansson

Morgan… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Camton Krethers… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with Girlfriends Talk Show intro]

[Cut to Morgan and Cara in the show set]

Cara: Oh, my god. Hi.

Morgan: Welcome to Girlfriends Talk Show.

Cara: It’s your girl Cara coming at ya’.

Morgan: And I am Morgan approaching cautiously from the side.

Cara: Awesome! We’re BFFs.

Morgan: Ya heard?

Cara: Morgan’s super pumped coz it’s prom week.

Morgan: I’m so excited. I’m gonna match my eye shadow to my dress, to my nails, to all the crystal clips in my hair so I’m like one big color.

Cara: Now, all you need is a date. And that’s why I asked a very special guest here today.

Morgan: Is it Todd Baker? My bus crush?

Cara: No, he is weird. His family owns and lives above and art shop.

Morgan: Yeah, but doesn’t that mean he’s cool?

Cara: No. It means his parents are selfish. Today’s guest is going to help us all get in the prom spirit coz she was last year’s prom queen, Camton Krethers.

Morgan: Camton Krethers?

[Camton walks in]

Camton: Thanks for having me.

Cara: What’s up?

Camton: Just keeping it boogie 100.

Morgan: Boogie 100?

Camton: Ya, you know, doing my thing, bling, bling, bling.

Morgan: Cara, why is she here? Last year I asked her to sign my yearbook and she wrote, “No, thanks” in it.

Camton: That was last year, Morgan. I’ve grown up since then. But you have to admit it was funny.

Morgan: What? It didn’t even make sense.

Cara: So, Camton, what are your tips for this year’s prom?

Camton: Well, first up, don’t spend too much on a dress. More than $1,500 is so ratchet.

Morgan: $1,500? I think that’s what my mom makes in a week

Camton: Tip number two, practice your picture pose. Avoid duck faces, so ratchet.

Morgan: Last year, Donna and I had an unflattering picture pose. My date Donna’s waist chain got caught on my princess sleeve.

Camton: Who is Donna?

Cara: That’s Morgan’s mom’s divorced friend, who’s now Morgan’s friend.

Camton: Oh, ya. I remember her. She was the one in the scarves who kept yelling at the DJ to play more Chris Isaak Wicked Game?

Morgan: Yeah, that’s a beautiful song. [singing] I don’t wanna fall in love 

You can hear the years of pain in his voice.

Camton: Your singing just gave me years of pain. You are so ratchet.

Morgan: No, I’m not.

Cara: Ya, ratchet.

Morgan: Well, you think you’re so great. Guess what? I know the secret prom theme this year.

Camton: No, you don’t. No one knows yet.

Morgan: Ya, I know. And I’m sitting tight on it. Coz the principal told Donna and Donna told me coz she knows how good I am at keeping secrets coz I’m very trust worthy.

Cara: The prom theme is, “Imagine all the people.” Morgan told me.

Morgan: Cara! Do you realize what you’ve just done? You may have ruined my trust with at least two or more people. If this gets back to Donna, it’s gonna take some serious over charge to win her trust back.

Cara: Awesome!

Morgan: She has been brunt by life many times.

Cara: Awesome! First topic…

Morgan: Corsages

Camton: Promposals.

Morgan: Wait, what the freak is a promposal?

Camton: Well, if you don’t know, it means you’ve never been asked.

Cara: It’s a really cool elaborate way for a boy to ask you to the prom.

Camton: Um-hmm. Like, say, you’re making a postcard of legos and it says, “Hey, Lego to prom.” Do you get it Morgan? Do you understand?

Morgan: Yes, you basic B!

Cara: Morgan, chill! Alright. Why don’t we each say what our dream promposal would be?

Camton: Well, my BF Evan covered my Mercedes in sticky notes that spelled out, “Camton, go to prom with me.” I didn’t expect to see my Mercedes that way. My dad was like, “What is going on with your Mercedes?”

Cara: What’s your’s, Morgan?

Morgan: My dream promposal would be the wheelchair kid from Glee would wheel down a flaming ramp with a sign that said, “Morgan, will you push me to prom?” And then, I would push him all night long.

Camton: What about you, Cara?

Cara: Well, my boyfriend’s older. He’s worried that he’ll feel out of place since he graduated from the class of 1979. So, I’m going all by myself and he’s gonna watch me from security cameras he hacked in to. I’m supposed to linger by the Punch booth 915, then try to drink the whole thing using only my hands. If I do it, he’s gonna buy me a season pass to Six Wags. My boyfriend’s crazy.

Camton: That’s all the time we have.

Morgan: Hey, that’s my line. I say that.

Cara: Hey, chill out, Morgan. She’s a former prom queen, so she gets to.

Morgan: Jokes on her. She may be prom queen but I’ll be the prom long after her stacking up the chairs. So, suck on that reality pop!

Cara: Awesome!

Morgan: And that is all the time have we have. Damn!

Cara: Alright! See you at the prom. Bye!

[The End]

Teacher Trial

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Gabbin Deli… Pete Davidson

Cathy Deli… Kate McKinnon

Plaintiff lawyer… Taraji P. Henson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Deli… Bobby Moynihan

Defense lawyer… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’r watching HLN. That stands for Head Line News.

[Cut to the pieces of news on cut news papers]

When I return to HLN’s live coverage of Hot For Teacher: the Janet Johnson-Luna’s civil trial.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott. Here at the Hillsborough County Courthouse in Tampa Bay for day six of the trial of Janet Johnson-Luna.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna sitting in a courtroom.]

A 32 year old teacher at Villa River High School, [Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott] who was caught having a sexual relationship with 16 year old student Gabbin Deli.

Paula Abbott: In court today is Deli’s mother, [Cut to 5 crying in the courtroom] Cathy Deli, who is suing Ms. Luna on behalf of her son.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: We now go to the courtroom where Gabbin Deli has taken the stand.

[Cut to the courtroom.]

Plaintiff lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Deli.

Gabbin Deli: Hello, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, your physical relationship with the defendant lasted how long?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, five glorious weeks, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Can you point out the defendant for the court.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yeah, she is right over there, looking all fine.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna. She is blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] You’re stupid.

[Cut to 5, Plaintiff lawyer and Janet Johnson-luna]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling]

She’s a monster!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s keep it cool.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: The affair began on April 15, 2014, correct?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yes, ma’am. It was the best day of my life.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did you feel pressured into being physical with Ms. Luna?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, no. I instigated it. After school, I went in and said, “What can I do for some extra credit?” And it was on.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Judge: Look at you.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli. You mother said you came home that day and felt sick.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Oh, yeah. I asked for some time in home because I was fist pumping the entire walk home from school, and my arm muscles were a little sore.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: How would you describe your mental state after the affair began?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, I’d say it felt like what Disney Land is.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] Oh, my god! So embarrassing.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, when your classmates became aware of your relationship with Ms. Luna, what happened at school?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: I just remember giving thousands of high-fives.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did the kids call you names?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, yes ma’am. The man, luckiest guy ever, my hero, baller, lil Pimp, lil baller, the one, good year pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ran and Pimpy, king of the teachers, after school special, teacher’s petter, the boy who lived, Gabbin the great, Magic the Gabbining, Legend, super cala fragalistic this be such a dope kid, and he who had sex with teachers. I’m sorry, that’s all I can remember but those were the main ones.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Noted. Now, Mr. Deli, were you bullied as the result of the affair?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: No, I wasn’t. I would describe it as the end of the movie ‘Rudy’. I was Rudy.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Are you okay, your honor?

[Cut to Judge laughing]

Judge: Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy. Extra credit!

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] So corny.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: [clears throat as to get attention] Mr. Deli, how did your relationship with the defendant affect your home life?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, it actually brought me closer to my dad. After he saw a picture of Ms. Luna, he took me to a Mallen’s game and bought me my first beer.

[Cut to 5 and Mr. Deli. 5 is staring at Mr. Deli angrily and Mr. Deli is just looking at Gabbin Deli.]

Mr. Deli: [nodding his head to Gabbin Deli] I love you.

[Mr. Deli is really proud]

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did Ms. Luna make arrangements to meet you after your mother filed a restraining order?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, she did say she wanted to meet that weekend but my schedule was so hectic. I had some meet and greets. And that Sunday, it was Gabbin night at the minor league hockey game. And I was asked to ride the zamboni and sing, “Hot for Teacher.”

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Yeah, I’m done!

[Cut to the courtroom]

[Plaintiff lawyer sits down]

Judge: Defense.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Defense lawyer]

Defense lawyer: You know, we’re beyond good at this point, your honor.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, may I be excused, sir?

Judge: No… not until you pound it! Ha-ha-ha.

[Judge gives Gabbin Deli a fist to pound]

Mr. Extra Credit right here. Yeah, you excused.

[Gabbin Deli climbs over the stand and goes to Janet Johnson-luna in haste]

2014 minute recess.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli]

Janet Johnson-luna: Don’t do that.

Gabbin Deli: I wasn’t gonna.

[Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli are blushing]

QVC

Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson

Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon

Blayah… Aidy Bryant

Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with QVC intro]

Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.

[Claudette walks in]

Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.

Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?

Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.

Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.

[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]

Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.

[Cut to all]

Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.

Claudette: Okay, here it is.

[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]

Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.

Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yeah, the third way.

[Claudette looks around thinking]

Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?

[Cut to all]

Temora: Uh, that’s two.

Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?

Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .

Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.

Caller: No, it’s Rachel.

Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!

Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.

Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]

Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.

Temora: Oh, no, no.

Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?

Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.

Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.

Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?

Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.

[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]

Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.

[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]

He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.

Claudette: Bye guys.

[End]

 

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]