Tag: Bobby Moynihan

Chris Hemsworth Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

Liam Hemsworth

Luke Hemsworth

Callum Hemsworth… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Mum… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris.

[Chris walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is incredible. The last time I was on live TV was when I did Australia’s version of “Dancing With The Stars.” Yep, that’s true. Um, but most likely, tonight will be even more embarrassing than that. Probably my biggest role that I’ve been implying and you would know me from is Thor. [cheers and applause] I’ve played Thor in four different movies. Thor 1, Thor 2, The Avengers and Gone Girl.

Now, I’m not the only actor in my family. I have brothers. Two of them. Three of them, maybe. Four, I don’t know. But they’re actors as well. So, if it was okay, I thought I would bring them out and share this moment.

[Liam and Luke Hemsworth walk in]

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry. Almost forgot. I have a brother, Callum.

[Callum walks in]

Callum: Alright. Good day.

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Look at this. It’s the four Hemsworth brothers.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, lot of cake up here, ladies!

Liam: Yeah, Callum’s actually an actor as well.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, that’s right. I do series of instructional videos. About dinner with snakes in the workplace.

Luke: Why don’t you tell them about your big catch phrase?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Oh, yeah, yeah! It’s just one line where I go. “Kill it!”

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Well, here you have. You have Hemsworth boys. Anyone have any questions for us?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, I do. What’s it like to be called world’s sexiest man?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Chris: Well–

Callum: [interrupting] Well, I’ll tell you this one here buddies. [speaking in fake Australian accent] It’s just a bit weird coz I just think of myself as a normal guy. But, um, then I see myself in a mirror and I can’t argue with it.

Chris: Yeah, I wanna say this. It doesn’t matter what you look like. What really matters is what’s in here. Muscles! [looking at the audience] Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: This is a question for Callum. I noticed your accent is slightly different from the other guys. Are you sure you’re from Australia?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Me? Australia? [Callum starts mumbling stuffs]

Chris: Alright, you know what? Believe it or not, believe it or not, Callum, he’s actually adopted. He’s from a place in northern territory which is called Atlanta.

Callum: Yeah, it’s way out in the whoop-whoop.

Chris: Um-hmm. [looking at the audience] Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Hi. You all seem so genuine. How do you stay so down to earth?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Liam: It’s because of our mum.

Luke: She raised us really, really well.

Chris: She did, she did. We might bring her out actually. Come on our, mum.

Callum: There she is.

[Mum walks in clapping]

Mum: Alright, alright. There’s my boys. Some folks have one son. I have a leader.

Chris: Yeah! We just wanted to say thank you mum, for everything.

Mum: Well, you’ve always ruined my body, so it’s least you can do. Ha-ha.

Chris: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Zac Brown band is here.

[cheers and applause]

Stick around, and we’ll be right back.

Avengers News Report

Janet… Cecily Strong

Dani Powel… Bobby Moynihan

Thor… Chirs Hemsworth

Iron Man… Taran Killam

Dr. Bruce Banner… Pete Davidson

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Captain America… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Action News seven intro]

Male voice: This is Action News seven Special Report.

[Cut to Janet in her news set]

Janet: Breaking news. This afternoon as Ultron and his evil army of robots have been defeated. And once again, mankind has the Avengers to thank. We go live to downtown Washington DC where our reporter Dani is on the scene.

[Cut to Dani in in the scene. Thor is taking selfies with the public.]

Dani: Hi Janet, I stand here where just moments ago, the Avengers claimed victory over Ultron’s forces. Joining me if I can get him over here is the mighty Thor. Hey Thor!

[Thor walks in]

Thor: Woohoo!

Dani: Can we talk to you for a second?

Thor: [singing] We are the champions my friend

What’s up?

Dani: Oh, wow. Thor, what a spectacular showing from the Avengers. How are you feeling?

Thor: Oh, man! I am on pure adrenaline right now. I’m at like an 11. I’m cranked up. Whooo!

[Thor kisses Dani on his cheek]

Dani: Oh, my goodness!

Thor: I’m sorry. I totally just kissed your head. That was weird.

Dani: That’s okay. Yo, there was a moment there where it looked like Ultron was definitely going to kill everyone.

Thor: Yeah. I gotta give it up to those robots. They fought hard. But luckily, I’m Thor!

[The public behind him cheer for him.]

Pi-pi-pi-pi. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now.

[Iron Man walks in]

Iron Man: Hey, um, don’t listen to a word this guy says.

Thor: Oh my god! This guy. Love this guy!

Dani: Mr. Stark. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Iron Man: Um, yeah. [Iron Man takes the mic] To the owner of a Blue Honda Accord, your lights are on. Oh, yeah, also there’s a building on it. Relax, that was a joke. Rim shot! Keep up people! Peace in the middle east. I’m going to Disney World.

Dani: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Iron Man passes the mic back to Dani and leaves]

Thor: That guy has a dry sense of humor.

Dani: Oh-oh! And here comes Dr. Bruce Banner, a.k.a., the hulk.

[Dr. Bruce Banner walks in]

Dr. Banner.

Thor: This guy!

Dr. Bruce Banner: What happened?

Thor: You crushed it, man!

Dr. Bruce Banner: I think I ate a guy.

Thor: Yeah, you did. You ate a bunch of guys. You’re nut.

Dr. Bruce Banner: I need to sit down.

Thor: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Dani: Dr. Bruce Banner–

Thor: Ay-Ay- Where is everyone going after this? We’re going out?

[The public cheering for him]

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, it seems like the Avengers are confident there will be no further attacks.

[Cut to Thor is dancing behind him.]

Dani: No, I don’t have official word, Janet. But I would say that sounds very accurate considering Thor is doing the running man. But wait, oh, here’s someone who can give us some answers. Avenger’s leader, Nick Fury.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Mr. Fury.

Nick Fury: What?

Dani: Does Ultron still pose a threat?

Nick Fury: No!

Dani: Great! You heard it here first.

[Thor and Iron Man walk in and pours a bucket of ice and water on Nick Fury]

Nick Fury: I’m freezing!

Thor: Stark’s idea! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Captin America walks in]

Captin America: Hey, may I address your viewers?

Dani: Of course. Janet, I am joined now by Captain America.

Captin America: Citizens, please be aware. The mayor’s order to remain in your home is still in effect. [Thor is mocking Captin America from behind] Many buildings are unstable and several fires are not yet contained. Thank you.

Dani: Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, do you have any new information about the extent of the damage? And when those evacuated might be allowed to return to their home?

[Cut to Dani. Thor is dancing behind.]

Dani: No, but Thor just informed me that the victory party is at the Dave&Busters on 9th street. And there also might be some late night karaoke. Okay, hey Thor. Still going.

[Thor takes the mic from Dani]

Thor: Hey, can I do a shoutout?

Dani: Of course, yeah!

Thor: Shout out to my brother Loki. I mean, I know we had our differences in the past and he tried to take over the world, but I love you man! And um, my ex! My ex, Jane. How do you like me now? Boom! Ha-ha. What else? What else? Check out my podcast on Soundcloud. It’s sick. It’s sick. Oh, and I’m sorry, we just destroyed your city.I love my life. Whooo!

[public cheering for Thor]

[Dani gives his hand for a high-five. Thor gives Dani a high-five, it breaks Dani’s hand.]

Dani: [screaming] Oh, my god!

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Thank you, Dani. Our live coverage continues after this.

[Ends with Action News seven outro]

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a haunted mansion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A haunted ten bedroom mansion in Staten Island has been–

Male voice: [interrupting the news] Psst! Hey yo, Che!

Michael Che: [ignoring] — hold on sale for over $two million.

[Riblet is standing behind the camera]

Riblet: Yo Che! Come on, the boys are in the court! Come on man!

Michael Che: What are you doing, man? We are live right now.

[Riblet turns around and looks at cameras]

Riblet: Are we live? Yo, from New York? [Riblet runs to Michael Che behind the desk] Oh, yo! Introduce me, Che! Yo, come on! Don’t be a rude dude! What’s going down?

Michael Che: This is my buddy from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet baby!

Michael Che: Riblet, I told you last time. Please don’t bother me when I’m working, man!

Riblet: Oh, wow! Oh, so now I’m bothering you? Whilst you are working? Because it looks like you just sitting, Che!

Michael Che: I am not just sitting. I am working hard!

Riblet: Oh, please! [Cut to Riblet] I work at Friendly’s, boo! And I run Star Wars tribute night. What does that mean? I don’t work hord? I’m confused.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s exactly what it means. You don’t work hord. This is not easy, Riblet!

Riblet: Oh! Oh, but Michael, it is baby! Even Riblet can do you jorb. Check-check-check it out.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of eyelash at right top corner.]

{Reading news] A new study shows that humans have long eyelashes to keep their eyes from drying out. While a similar study shows that humans have fake eyelashes to let you know they nasty.

Oh! Shots fired!

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Oh, now tell me what Chewbacca’s real name is. Oh, you don’t know? It’s Peter Mayhew. I guess you don’t work as hord.

Michael Che: Riblet, just because you know the guy inside Chewbacca’s costume–

Riblet: That’s a costume? I thought that was a real monkey.

Michael Che: Yes. But, can you get out of here so I can finish, please?

Riblet: Oh, I’m sorry Che. Am I being a nuisance? Or what? You can’t finish unless Riblet is waiting in a cor? Come on, man. Well, break a news sucker!

Michael Che: Again?

[Cut to Riblet.There’s a picture of J.K. Simmons at right top corner.]

[Reading news] In his acceptance speech for best supporting actor, J.K. Simmons urged everyone watching to take their time to call their mother. And if you can’t find your mama’s number, Che, I know I got it! Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Coz I’m the Ribita-ribita-ribita-Riblet! Now, tell me C-3PO’s real name. Oh, you didn’t know that? It’s Anthony Daniel. So, who’s smorter now?

Michael Che: I’m smorter. Alright, look, just because–

Riblet: I don’t believe you, Che!

Michael Che: Just because you know the guy and C-3PO’s costume–

Riblet: [yelling] That’s a costume too? There’s no way. That’s a skinny robit! How’s that possible?

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m just saying. There’s a lot more to this job–

Riblet: Jorb! It’s jorb.

Michael Che: — than being smart and knowing Star Wars stuff and telling jokes. You have to look nice, okay? You need a news anchor suit.

Riblet: Oh, what? I don’t look nice? Or what? I don’t look awesome? Ayo, Dan. Can I get a single on camera three homie? Please?

[Riblet opens his jacket. He has a suit on inside.]

Real quick, here we go. And, yoinks!

[Riblet takes his wig off.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold at right top corner.]

[cheers and applause]

Now, I don’t know what you see when you look at this picture. But when I look at this picture, [Picture changes to Michael Che] I see black and jorbless. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet. A delivery boy comes in.]

Delivery boy: I have a package for Riblet.

Riblet: I’m Riblet.

Delivery boy: Okay. Here we go. Thank you. Oh, a package?

[Cut to Riblet. He’s opening the package.] Let’s see what we got here. Alright. OH, how nice?

[Riblet takes a mic out of the box and drops it on the table.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Net Neutrality

Jennifer Owens… Sasheer Zamata

Samantha Shepard… Dakota Johnson

Chris Konko… Pete Davidson

Mark Falanga… Bobby Moynihan

Veronica Davis… Leslie Jones

Vinton Cerf… Taran Killam

[Starts with Net Effect intro]

[Cut to Jennifer in her set]

Jennifer: Good evening. I’m Jennifer Owens and welcome to Net Effect where a prominent internet users help explain what’s going on in the wold of technology. Tonight’s topic, net neutrality. Joining me to discuss it is a tech blogger, Samantha Shepard.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: It’s really good to be out of house.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Aspiring Instagram celebrity Chris Konko.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I got no filter.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Self employed CEO Mark Falanga.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Tremendous. [smiles]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: And prolific YouTube commenter, Veronica Davis.

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: First…

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Now, most people barely understand what net neutrality is. Mark, would you care to explain?

Mark: Sure. [Cut to Mark] Well, you see, the net in net neutrality is actually short for internet. Which some people believe is also the web. And please excuse all the technical jargon. Who am I? Bill Jobs? [laughing]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Okay. Samantha, what is net neutrality to you?

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Well, I think it’s like with the emojis how they made them in different skin tones. But then, they switch back to like a neutral yellow. And like, the one with the mouth, that’s just a straight line. So, you can’t tell what it’s thinking. So, like it’s, [puts her index finger straight over her lips] like that. You know?

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: So, you think it’s about the internet being neutral?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, and why would anybody want that? The whole reason I go on the internet is to read really mean comments about people. And if everyone’s neutral, what are the comments gonna be? “This video is fine. I am okay with this. I didn’t notice what race that guys was.” I mean who wants that?

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: And news flash! It’s not neutral, okay? That damn dress is white and gold! And if you think it’s blue and black, you need to get your eyes fixed. Coz trust me, no one has ever mistaken black for gold. No one has ever come up to me in street and be like, “Are you gold?”

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: I am sorry. But I still don’t think we’ve nailed down what net neutrality actually means.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Jennifer, this might be a little over your head. Let me see if I can explain. Internet, startups, neutrality.

[Cut to Samantha, Jennifer and Mark]

Jennifer: What?

Samantha: No, actually, I think it’s more like, okay… [Samantha joins her two fists] So, here’s the internet. And here is the stipple and open it up, [Samantha opens her fists] and here’s all the people. Right?

Jennifer: That’s new neutrality?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Wait, wait. I got better one. [Chris puts his hands in clapping position] Put your finger in here. [Cut to Chris, Samantha and Jennifer] What? I can show you the internet.

Jennifer: No, I’m not touching your fingers.

Chris: Fine! Then I just want to point out that Veronica is color blind, coz that dress is black and blue.

Veronica: Say it to my face.

[Cut to everybody. Chris and Veronica stand up in anger.]

Chris: I just did!

Veronica: Say it to my gold face you blue son of a bitch!

Mark: Hey, both of you! Both of you, sit down. Okay? This is tearing us apart! [Cut to Mark] You wanna know what net neutrality is really about? It is about pornos. It is about how fast get pornos when we want pornos. Coz when my wife goes to the store, I got 15 minutes. That is why net neutrality is the single most important issue in the history of this Unite States.

[Cut to everybody]

[Chris stands up and starts clapping]

[audience start clapping with Chris]

Jennifer: Okay! Okay, okay, okay! So, none of you have the slightest idea what net neutrality actually means?

Mark: No.

Samantha: No.

Chris: Blue and black!

Jennifer: Okay, alright. Then in that case, I’d like to welcome Vinton Cerf, who is widely credited as being one of the founding fathers of the internet.

[Cut to Vinton Cerf]

Vinton Cerf: Hi, there.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: And he’s now gonna walk around and slap each of you in the face.

Vinton Cerf: Thank you for the opportunity.

[Vinton Cerf slaps Mark. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Chris. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Samantha]

Samantha: Harder!

[cheers and applause]

[Vinton Cerf raises his hand to slap Veronica]

Veronica: Yeah, I think you better think about it, son.

[Vinton Cerf walks away]

Jennifer: Great! Well, that’s the entire show. Up next is Cable and Bits, the show about computers by dogs. Goodnight.

I Can’t

Cecily Strong

Dakota Johnson

Bobby Moynihan

Margo… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a three interns in an office]

Cecily: Oh, my god! I can’t wait until this internship is over.

Dakota: I know. I need it to be summer now. This has literally been the worst winter ever.

Cecily: Urgh! I can’t even.

Dakota: It’s literally not possible.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It was like 150 degrees everyday last summer. And now it’s like negative of thousand. I literally just can’t.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Don’t even.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: No, who can even? It’s literally impossible to can. I can’t

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It’s like, what the freak? I’m wearing 150 layers and I still can’t even.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, I’m literally wearing like, six coats right now. And I’m trying to can and literally can’t.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! Is that window open? Oh, my god! That window is literally wide open right now.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, that is why it is freaking Antartica in here. Okay? Freaking Margo has her window completely open.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Margo! Can you please close that window?

[Cut to Margo. Her both arms are broken and plastered.]

Margo: I can’t.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: I am dying right now. Like, I’m literally gonna freeze to death if you don’t shut that window.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I literally cannot. Both of my arms are broken. You know this. It’s why you call me Broken Arms Margo and Stank Breath Margo with Two Broken Arms.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Margo! You broke both your arms for attention a hundred years ago. And it’s literally your excuse for everything now.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: It’s been six days. And I didn’t do it on purpose. I stage dived at karaoke and nobody caught me.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: God! She is so dramatic. I can’t even. I am not doing this with her today.

[Cut to Margo trying to drink juice off a straw but she can’t]

Margo: Look, I understand I’m not your favorite person, but could you just maybe nudge my lunch closer? I’ve been struggling to reach it for an hour.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: We are not walking a hundred miles over to your desk right now when you can’t even close the window that’s literally killing us.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I mean really, Margo? Have you like, ever thought of anyone other than yourself?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Right? God!

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: There is no god. There can’t be.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I’m so hungry right now. I haven’t eaten like a month.

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Bobby: Uh! Don’t even!

Dakota: Margo, what is that in your shirt?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, what is that? Did you spill something?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Urgh! I hate it. It’s annoying. Just go like this, it’s driving me crazy. [brushing off his shoulder] Just go like ths.

[Cut to Margo. There’s a spider on her shoulder.]

Margo: Oh, my god! Kill it! Kill it mother-F-er!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Margo! It’s probably just snow from that open window.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Margo, just do this. [brushing off her shoulder]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Do this. [brushing off her dress] Do this.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I can’t. It is impossible. My arm bones are shattered from pits to wrists. Please, kill it. Or kill me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Really? Margo? Is it that serious? Fine, just leave it there. But can you please shut that window? I’m so freezing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, my hands are literally in my sleeves right now. It’s that cold.

[Cut to Margo trying to close the window]

Margo: Fine! You want the window closed. I’ll try it.

[Margo falls outside through the window.]

[Bang]

I’m alive? I’m alive and I feel everything. Dear world! What have I done to anger you!

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Dakota: You know, she’s literally never gonna shut up about this.

Cecily: She’s so dramatic.

Bobby: I cannot even!

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Cinderella

Bobby Moynihan

Kyle Mooney

Prince… Taran Killam

Cinderella… Dakota Johnson

Cathyanne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Cinderella book. The book opens to the chapter ‘The Night of the Ball’.]

[Cut to a hall where people are dancing]

Bobby: Way to the turn out for the ball, my prince.

Kyle: Beautiful young maidens from every corner of the kingdom have assembled in hopes of catching your eyes.

Prince: Yes, but it’s always the same. Big over-stuffed dresses. Big empty smiles. They bore me so.

[Prince looks at the door]

Wait, who is that.

[Cut to Cinderella in front of the door in a blue dress.]

Bobby: I don’t know. I have never seen her before.

[Cut to Cinderella walking down the stairs while Prince is looking at her.]

Prince: Well, she is ravishing. [Prince walks towards Cinderella] Madam, you are the most beautiful vision I have ever laid eyes upon. I must know your name.

Cinderella: Oh, no. I’m just a nobody from nowhere.

Prince: Oh, please. Please, do tell me your name. I think I’m in love with you.

[Cathyanne walks in the door. She is looking untidy. ]

Cathyanne: Wow! No, hold on, hold on buddy. You are moving way too fast.

Prince: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your father?

Cathyanne: Oh, boy! Are you rude or what? No, I am a regular woman like Michelle Robama. Thank you very much.

Cinderella: This is Cathyanne. I hope it’s okay that I brought her. She works with me as a scullery maid at my step mother’s house.

Cathyanne: That’s just a temporary job until I can get back on my feet financially.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Um, how charming. Now, young lady, I do believe you are the most beautiful person here.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne. Cinderella is getting happy.]

Cathyanne: Wow! Right in front of my face? Okay, happy birthday Cathyanne!

[Cut to Prince, Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Madam, you must leave

Bobby: Yes, you are not properly attired for this ocassion.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, you don’t like what I’m wearing? Well, you better look in the mirror. I’ve never seen pants that tight. [Cut to everybody] You better let them things breathe or you gonna lose them like my brother did. [Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne] Now, the poor guy’s all twig, no barrels.

Cinderella: Okay, Cathyanne. This is the first I’m hearing of this. Your poor brother, my goodness. Maybe the prince could help.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Oh, no! What on earth could I possibly do about that? All I can say is condolences to your brother’s buries.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: That’s gonna mean a lot him. You know, every little bit helps.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Rather. Now, may I have this dance?

[Prince bows down]

Cinderella: Which one of us are you speaking to? Me or Cathyanne?

Cathyanne: Oh, please. Would you please get some self confidence? Okay, this is exactly why your step mother rocks the hell all over you. [talking to Prince] I’m sorry, you should meet this woman. I know you are royalty, but she is a real C-U-N-Thursday.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, may I speak with you for a minute? [Cinderella pulls Cathyanne away] Please look at me. Look how beautiful I am. I only get to be this until midnight and you are really eating up a lot of my time.

Cathyanne: Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. Hey, the prince, come here.

[Prince walks to them]

Okay, she is ready to be with you. And don’t be rude, she is drag and disease free.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, no! What are you saying?

Cathyanne: Hey, you know what? I applaud you for getting those test done coz they are scary, okay? I got my HDTV test back and it was a freaking false negative. Talk about scary.

[Cut to Prince and Kyle]

Kyle: I’m sorry. Shall I physically remove her?

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! This guy has had my number since I walked in here.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Cinderella: Please, please, let her stay my prince. I know she comes on strong and she’s not exactly everybody’s cup of slop, but she is my only friend.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: For you my dear, anything.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, so if she wasn’t here, I’d be gone. Interesting. I will take note of that.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Yeesh! Now, if I may have this dance.

Cinderella: It would be my pleasure.

[Cut to Bobby and Kyle]

Bobby: Maestro!

[music playing]

[Cut to Prince, Cinderella and Cathyanne. Prince and Cinderella are dancing together, and Cathyanne is dancing alone beside them.]

Cinderella: This is the best night of my life.

Cathyanne: Yeah! My second best. Maybe third.

Prince: You have made me so happy.

[midnight bell sound]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! You hear that clock? We got to get you out of here.

Cinderella: Oh!

Prince: Wait, where are you going?

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.

Cathyanne: Yeah, five more bongs like that, she’s gonna like hell in a hamburger. You think my hair is stringing? I’m sorry girlfriend, you know it’s true.

Cinderella: Yeah!

Prince: Wait, please tell me your name.

[Cinderella and Cathyanne are rushing towards the door.]

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. There is no time.

Prince: Oh, please.

Cinderella: Ah! I wish I could, but there is no time.

Prince: Well, I mean, you could have said it by now.

Cinderella: No!

[Cinderella turns around and walks out the door]

Prince: All is lost. How will I ever find her?

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: She left her shoe. [Bobby shows him white sneakers.]

Cathyanne: Hey! [Cathyanne walks in again] That is my shoe you freak! And I’m not going through these stairs again. So, come on! Throw it.

[Bobby throws the shoe to Cathyanne]

Okay, bye bye.

[Cathyanne leaves]

Teacher Snow Day

Student… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with clip of snowstorm news.]

[Cut to a TV in school’s cafeteria]

School announcer: Attention students in Ridgement School district. The following schools are closed today. [Cut to clips of empty school] St. Joseph hill and North Academy. Students should not come to school. I repeat, you must stay at home because this snow day, this snow day is for teachers!

[the music video starts]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[rapping] That’s right it’s a teacher’s snow day
no kids, no books, full pay

Cecily: You think we’re home grading papers
but we using em’ to smoke them our favorites

Leslie: Kids want a day off? Get in line
behind overwork teachers get drunk on wine

Sasheer: Teacher’s lounge is a nasty club

Kyle: And the only extra credit is a rub and tug

[Teachers are partying in teacher’s lounge]

Kenan: Teachers snow day

Cecily: Zero F’s given this is blizzard living

Kate: This ain’t the breakfast club, we drill to die

[Cut to a student walking in the halls of school alone]

Bobby: Here’s my hall pass sucker!

Jay: We got the school on lock
we do a lots of chalk
and when I’m in the R-room
I don’t wear a smock

Sasheer: Mr. K and Mrs. P are having 50 shades sex

Student: Just like I learned in my biology text.

Kyle: Mr. Reed, I’m doctor death
then I’m up in my chem lab, cooking meth.

Student: Came to school by mistake
saw drugs and jugs
thought my teachers were bitches
but they’re hardcore thugs

Bobby: Teachers snow day! Coz our dreams are dead, yo!

Aidy: The only PTA here is my pretty toy ass

Student: Not gonna lie, this is awesome!

[Cut to teachers looking out the window]

Jay: Oh, damn! It’s principal Hefernin

Cecily: I’ve never seen him at a snow day.

Leslie: He’s been here like, 65 years.

[Cut to principal in his car nodding his head to the beat]

Principal: This was my damn day off it wasn’t part of the plan
but when I roll up to school in my minivan
there’s something all these motherf* better understand
the dress code is out, I’m not wearing pants

Bobby: Understand that you can chuck your bleep
he got that something too, teachers lining up like team

Principal: I got PA announcement for every class
except, the P is for Pu* and A is for ass

Leslie: What do I teach? I don’t even remember
hands off in the spring a wake of September

Jay: We reverse hibernate, we asleep on summer

Kyle: So, when it’s blizzard time, we in a promp [bleep]

Cecily: This is our choice, teachers move the earth!

Kenan: We on that sweet dessert

Jay: We teach the children, we teach them well

Kate: But when it snows outside, they can go to hell.

Bobby: Yeah! Teachers snow day! 2k15.  Forever!

Leslie: Kids trust us. We need this more than you!

Kenan: Teacher’s snow day. Shut it down!

[Cut to all the teachers passed out in the teacher’s lounge.]

[Cut to the student taking their pictures]

Student: Well, I’m definitely passing Chemistry now.

Super Bowl Shut Down With Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman And Marshawn Lynch

Richard Sherman… Jay Pharoah

Marshawn Lynch… Kenan Thompson

Vocal… Sasheer Zamata

Pianist… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Carroll… Taran Killam

[Starts with King5 video bumper]

Male voice: You’re watching King5, Seattle.

[Cut to to Super Bowl Shut Down set]

Announcer: It’s Super Bowl Shut Down with Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman.

[Cut to Richard]

[cheers and applause]

Richard: Hi, hello. I’m your host Richard Sherman, the greatest corner in the history of National Football League. Joining me as always is my team mate and good friend, [Cut to Richard and Marshawn] running back Marshawn Lynch. How you doing, Marshawn?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: So, Marshawn, are you excited to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Okay, Marshawn, I know that’s how you are with the media but this is just you and me and you don’t have to hid. So, what do you say?

Marshawn: Shout out to Hiden.

Richard: Oh, come on, man! Well, at least we got our 12 man band who traveled with us all the way from Seattle.

[Cut to the band. All the band members are wearing green clothes. They’re not playing music but they’re rocking their body.]

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Y’all sound loud tonight. We got the best fans in Seattle, don’t we?

[Cut to Vocal]

Vocal: That’s right. I’ve been a die hard fan since the beginning… of 2013.

[Cut to Pianist]

Pianist: Ha-ha! Coffee in rain.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now I’d like to begin the show the way I always do. By verbally assaulting someone who’s already lost. Today’s attack is going out to New York city mayor Bill De Blasio. [yelling] De Blasio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You a punk ass mayor. You call that the biggest snow storm in the history of New York? I’ve seen bigger blizzards at Dairy Queen. And you seriously trying to shut down whole city coz of that? You better learn. The only way you shut down a whole city is you put Richard Sherman on it. Boom! I went to Stanford.

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn]

Marshawn, you wanna jump in here?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Come on, man! Open up.

Marshawn: I like Skittles. Shout out to Skittles. And also, big up to Hash and Glasses.

Richard: Damn man! I shouldn’t have made this show four hours.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: But sure, the one thing we gotta talk about right is that scandal with the Patriots. A.K.A. deflate gate, a.k.a. ball gazi, a.k.a. the e-balla crisis. Patriots fans! You wanna see what a real football looks like?

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn. Marshawn hands over Richard a football with dreadlocks.]

That’s what a real football looks like! Handsome as hell.

Marshawn: Shout out to dreadlocks footballs.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now, out special guest tonight is the head coach of Seattle Seahawks. If there was ever a human dude who magically switched places with a happy ass Shaggy dog, it’s be this buy. Please welcome Pete Carroll.

[Cut to the stage. Pete walks in.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, heck, fellas! Thanks so much for having me on this dope show of your’s.  This is just well. Now, Richard, I know your girlfriend’s supposed to have a baby tomorrow but I hope to see you on the field.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Oh, it’s probably best I don’t go. Last time I was in a delivery room, the doctor tried to catch the baby and I ran it back for the touchdown. Now coach, why don’t you tell the Patriots what we’re gonna do to them tomorrow?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Alright. Well, we’re gonna get out there and we’re gonna give those sons of guns some firm handshakes. Then we’re gonna battle them respectfully for 60 minutes.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Wait, wait, what? You mean we’re gonna murder the Patriots. Then we’re gonna hunt down their families and kill them too. You hear that Brady? The yearbook voted me best smile. [Richard smiles]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s fun, my dawg. And Marshawn, how you doing over there, bud?

[Cut to Marshawn. Marshawn just shakes his head.]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha. Is this guy great or what? Oh, man! He actually loves to laugh. Hey Marshawn, came up with a joke you’re gonna love. Knock, knock.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No comment.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s helmets.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Helmets you think we’re gonna win by tomorrow.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: [smiling] Okay, that’s pretty good.

[Cut to Richard, Marshawn and Pete]

Richard: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick break.

[Cut to Richard]

But first, live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Microsoft Office Assistant

Kam… J.K. Simmons

Ruth… Aidy Bryant

Help pin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]

Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.

Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam

Kam: What the heck do I click?

Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.

Ruth: The big blue W.

Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.

Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye!

[3 leaves the screen dancing.]

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Yes!

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: How do I turn this guy off?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man!

[MS Word has birthday cake man border now.]

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes!

[All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.]

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!

Ruth: Just let me finish this page.

Kam: What are you reading?

Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.

Kam: Again?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam!

[There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.]

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?

Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Disable Pushy.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.

[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]

Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam!

[Pushy plays a sad music]

Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]

What are you waiting for?

Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude!

[3 starts dancing]