Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump] [Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant] [Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant] [Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves] [Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!