Voter Fraud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 6

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Marcia Fudge … Leslie Jones

[Ingraham Angle news intro]

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set] Thank you and hello again. I’m Laura Ingraham, and you’re watching ‘The Ingraham Angle’ which re-airs on Telemundo as ‘La Madre Del Diablo.’ Later in the program celebrities in California are whining about some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under constant attack from the rain. And we’ll have a tribute to Thanks Giving, the one day of a year when your all right uncle can really shine. But first, let’s talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed Democrats to literally steal the election. Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the Republican party, but doesn’t it feel more true that all Hispanics voted twice? You can’t dismiss that idea simply because it isn’t true and sounds insane. In fact, let’s add that to our list of feel facts [Cut to Picture graph on Feel Facts] which aren’t technically facts, but they just feel true. Like, Latinos can have a baby every three months. Santa is Jesus’s dad. If the earth is so warm then why are my feet cold? Blackface is a compliment. If you have less than five guns, you’re a gay.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is Pulitzer Prize eligible judge Jenine Pirro.

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] I hate them, Laura!

Laura: Who?

Jenine: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen] I’m sorry. That’s my vocal warm up.

Laura: Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you uncovered?

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order to vote multiple times. For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta. [Cut to Picture of a Black male] Then he went into his car and changed into this woman. [Cut to Same black male dressed as a woman] And [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling “Hellur.”

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen]Very disturbing.

Jenine: And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call stacking where multiple children will stack on top of each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Laura: Wow, fantastic journalism Janine.

Jenine: Duh!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors, the few remaining businesses that are willing to be associated with me. Starting with Fashion Catheters. Got poor control but great style. Fashion Catheters. Now with genuine Swarovski Crystals, ouch! And is your dog still not baptized? Then order Reverend Whitaker’s home dog baptism kit. Because all dogs don’t go to heaven unless they’re properly baptized. And of course, Undersea Airlines. Need to get into the ocean fast? This airline will make sure it happens. The only planes that start on fire. And only want the healthy part of the egg? Try Whites Only. It’s egg whites, and it’s just for us.

Alright, my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates. Please welcome Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] Hey Laura. It’s great to be here. Smile, two, three, four.

Laura: Mark, are you comfortable? [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Why are you holding your arms like that?

Mark: Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Mark, what about the story that Facebook hired the same PR firm that did a vicious smear camping against billionaire George Soros seen here in the Fox News photo. [Cut to Picture of a creature from a Netflix show] Did you know that[Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] they were behind that campaign?

Mark: Absolutely not, Laura. Blink twice and eyeballs. [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] The idea we knowingly employed a horrible company makes me laugh, ha, ha, ha.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Good job. People say my laugh is chilling. And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become more transparent?

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] I can’t be any more transparent. Have you seen my skin? Ha, ha, ha. If I were more transparent, I would be clear. Seriously, I kid. I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money. What? Ha, ha, dab, dab.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] Yikes for that. Thank you, Mark. [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Democrats will soon be deciding who’s going to be the speaker of the house. Here to comment is diverse Congresswoman from Ohio. Please welcome representative Marcia Fudge.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Hi, Laura. I’m sorry. Did you refer to me as diverse?

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Probably not. Now, Congresswoman fudge, you’re challenging Nancy Pelosi for speaker of the house. Why do you think Nancy Pelosi has to go?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Nancy Pelosi is tainted. For years the GOP has used her name against us. But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me, a middle-aged black woman named Fudge.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Funny. And do you think Nancy Pelosi, seen here in the recent documentary about her, “The nun,” [Cut to Poster picture of the movie ‘The Nun’] do you think she’ll give up the chance to be speaker of the house?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Look, I love Nancy Pelosi, and I’m not saying she’s old, but her baby sister is a redwood tree. When she started her title was ‘Speaker Of the Cave.’ Somebody give me a microphone. That bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said, “The first girl!” She just calls the old testament, the testament. She’s so old; her birthstone is Rosetta!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Okay. I think we understand, Marcia.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Okay. I’m done. And the other reason I should be speaker is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Uh-oh. The phrase ‘mobilize the black vote’ has set off our fire, Fox News ‘The country is changing’ alarms. Marcia, what do you think of that?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] I think that you’re lucky we in a remote interview because if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of you.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Well, alright, let’s take a break and hear from our sponsors. Like Teeny Tiny Turkey. Have you alienated everyone in your life? Have thanksgiving for one with the Teeny Tiny Turkey. We swear it ain’t a pigeon. And Cash for Organs. You don’t need all those organs. Plus, Volkswagen: You know why. And finally, it’s White Chess where all the pieces are white, and everybody wins. When we come back, part two of my interview with the self-proclaimed vape god, a real person I had on my show.

Vape God: [Cut to Pete Davidson as a Vape god] Y’all what up. I’m ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] And you’re not trolling me, right? You’re a real expert on E-cig laws?

Vape God: Oh for sure. I got that swag. I got that drip.

Laura: And our producers have fully vetted you? Because we bumped Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to speak with you.

Vape God: [Cut to Vape God speaking] Then you made the right choice. My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] This is great! Now, finally, a Millennial who’s speaking my language. Much more with that gentleman. When we return.

Vape God: I’ll have my dong out.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] I can’t wait. It sounds goo and live from New York; it’s Saturday Night.

 

Space Thanksgiving | Season 44 Episode 6

Ruler TA (Tate) of Klurds…Kenan Thompson

Tutrisha (TA’s Daughter)…Melissa Villaseñor

Kern….Pete Davidson

Earth space travelers….Steve Carell, Beck Bennet, Cecily Strong, Leslie Jones

[Starting with a shot of outer space station]

Beck: Will the aliens be joining us for our [four astronauts getting ready for thanksgiving dinner] thanksgiving feast?

Cecily: Oh, you mean the Klergs? Yeah.

Captain: Good, I look forward to sampling some of the products here on Argos-9. [Cut to Linda and Captain]

Linda: I love exotic foods.

Captain: Oh, look, it’s the Klergs. [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall, the Klergs are entering from the door with food]

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Greetings, people of earth. I am ruler TA, short for Tank.

Tutrisha: Father, should I offer them the kern?

TA: Yes, Tutrisha, [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] offer them other kern.

Captain: Kern, what is cern?

Linda: Oh, it looks like out corn [Cut to Linda and Beck] but its purple.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Yes, our Kern is much like your corn. It has lots of tiny, delicious cornels on it.

Captain: [Cut to Captain] Oh, you mean Kernels?

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] No, your corn has kernels, but our kern has cornels.

Cecily: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] What a small fascinating universe.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] It is customary for visitor to partake of our kern.

Tutrisha: It’s for good fortune.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] I guess this is the famous Klerg hospitality we’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty cornels of kern. [Captain takes a bite]

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] No, don’t eat me! This hurts me!

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Cecelia] Is it kern talking?

Cecily: Is it alive [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] right now?

TA: No, these are just the kern sounds.

Tutrisha: The sound the kern makes.

Linda: [Cut to Linda and Beck] It’s delicious, y’all!

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Ow, the pain lady! Please stop eating me!

Captain: [Cut to Linda and Beck] Linda, stop eating the kern.

Linda: Just one more bite.

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] This hurts like hell. Stop.

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] Linda, please it may be conscious!

Linda: Sorry, it reminds me of my earth picnics, of eating corn on the cob.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] You mean kern on the curb?

Captain: [Cut to Captain and Linda] I want to try to communicate with it.

TA: [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Why? It has no errs to herr. [Referring as to ‘ears to hear’]

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Please, let me try. Hello, [Cut to Captain, Linda and Cecelia] can you hear me? Are you okay?

Kern: [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Help us. The Klergs are trying to destroy our race. We can’t run from him because we don’t have the lergs okay? Lergs!

Captain: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Excuse us TA, I need to speak to my crew. [Cut to humans whispering] The kern said it has no lergs to run from the klergs.

Beck: TA told us it’s customary to eat the cornels from the kern.

Cecily: But actually we’re helping the klergs wipe out the kern.

Linda: What do we do?

Captain: Follow me lead. I have a plan. Ruler TA.

TA: More kern, captain?

Captain: Oh, [Cut to TA and Tutrisha] Hell yes. [Cut to humans] Who cares about some kern. Let’s enjoy this thanksgiving.

TA: [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall] Oh, well tomorrow I will show you around the planot.

Linda: Captain, this kern is crazy delicious!

Kern: Hey bitch! I said stop. [Cut to Kern with a face speaking] Bitch I said stop. : [Cut to everyone sitting in the dining hall]

Beck: It’s good, right?

TA: Bye bye.

Beck: Is it good?

Captain: Let’s all eat! Everyone, let’s eat the kern! [Cut to the shot of outer space station]