Tag: episode 18

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.] [Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.] [Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.] [sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again] [William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in] Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium] [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.] [cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other] [Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in] [romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience] [cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Affair with Chad

Chad… Pete Davidson

Miss Hanler… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Toby… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Chad cleaning the pool listening to the music] [Miss Hanler gets back home]

Miss Hanler: Chad! Chad!

Chad: [turns around] Wad up, miss Hanler?

[Chad walks in]

Hey.

Miss Hanler: Oh, my god.

[Chad and Miss Hanler start kissing]

Oh, oh. No, no Chad. We can’t do this anymore.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad turns around and walks]

Miss Hanler: Wait. I couldn’t sleep last night.

Chad: Oh, I hate that.

Miss Hanler: What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who is having an affair with her 23 year old poolboy? I mean, [hand gesturing] what is this?

Chad: Your kitchen.

Miss Hanler: No. I mean us. I really hope you understand that we have to end this.

Chad: Okay.

[Cut to Miss Hanler walking in her kitchen talking]

Miss Hanler: God, I had no idea it would be this hard. It’s just when we first–

[engine noise] [Cut to Chad. He is already at the pool outside cleaning it.]

Chad!

Chad: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: You deserve an explaination.

Chad: Oh, okay. Cool.

[Chad turns the engine off and walks in]

Miss Hanler: Look. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? I should have known better. But I don’t know. It was just– it was fun. It was new.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: But my god, I’m a married woman with three kids. My husband’s in the city council. I’ve put PTA present in at Melony’s school.

Chad: Who is Melony?

Miss Hanler: My daughter.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: God, if this got out it would just ruin my life. Our family’s lives.

Chad: Ah, my bad.

Miss Hanler: But all I want to do is clear the bags off this table and take me right down.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad starts putting the bags down.]

Miss Hanler: But you can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad puts the bags back on the table.]

Miss Hanler: Because I’ve learned that sometimes getting what you want means losing what you already have. [takes an envelope out] Look, I wrote this for you last night.

Chad: Oh, okay. [takes the envelope.]

Miss Hanler: Oh my god, I’m blushing. [closing eyes] I just want you to know that I’m not a very good writer. I mean it’s not sophisticated but it’s how I feel. I mean every word of what I wrote.

Chad: Whoa! [Cut to Chad. He is at the pool and he has found a dead squirrel] Hey, Miss Hanler, I found a dead squirrel in your pool. [He just throws the squirrel away and starts cleaning the pool] [Miss Hanler walks to the door and watches Chad clean the pool.]

Miss Hanler: Good bye, Chad.

[grass cutter engine sound] [Miss Hanler looks at lawn] [Cut to Toby using the grass cutter.]

Hello.

Toby: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: Where is Phillip?

Toby: My uncle just hired me. I’m going to be doing your house now. I’m Toby.

[Cut to Miss Hanler.]

Miss Hanler: [smiling] I wanna fuck that kid.

[The End]

Weekend Update Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy Explains Passover With His Dad

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

Dr. Hankin… Billy Crystal

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Today marks the end of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Here to give us some info about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Hi, Michael. My dad wanted me to give you this ointment for your athlete foot.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you, Jacob. So, did you have a good Passover this year?

[Jacob does not answer. He opens his notes and starts reading.]

Jacob: [clears throat] Each year at Passover, we ask four questions which explains why this night is different from all other nights.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh?

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The first reason Passover is different from other nights is that instead of eating leavened bread, we eat matzah. It’s pretty blend, but don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it sounds like you’re not a big fan of matzah.

[Jacob just looks and Michael Che and continues reading his notes.] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The second reason is that we eat bitter herbs to remind us the cruel way the Jews were punished in Egypt. Sounds pretty bad, but not as bad as my brother Ethan got punished for grinding at his BBYO dance. But don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Yeah, I wasn’t gonna. Jacob, it seems like you really like telling jokes? I mean where did you get that great sense of humor from?

Jacob: My dad who happens to be here tonight.

[Dr. Hankin slides in]

Dr. Hankin: Hi. Michael, here is the foot cream. He has toe nails that look like potato chips.

Michael Che: It’s my podiatrist, everybody. Dr. Hankin. So, doc, what’s your favorite thing about the Passover holiday?

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then opens his notes too.] [Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: [clears throat] The third reason Passover is different from other nights is that we dip twice. I don’t know about you but I always dip my food twice, once in salsa and once in guacamole. You do that math!

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: What math, man? Look doc, we can just have a conversation like we do at the office.

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then looks at notes.] [Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: The fourth reason Passover is different is that on Passover, we eat reclining back on our chairs. Sort of like when I took Peggy Tinkerton to the prom. She was a goy.. as in goy-geous. We did a lot of reclining in the back seat. You do the math!

Jacob: But don’t quote him under it.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: I promise I won’t. Yes, so Yankees. They had a rough loss last night. Nineteen innings. Are you guys sad that there Derek Jeter isn’t playing anymore?

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin start scratching their eyes.]

Hey, I’m sorry guys. I didn’t mean to make it weird.

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin look at Michael Che for a moment]

Jacob: In conclusion, I want to thank my wonderful dad for joining me on this special day.

Dr. Hankin: Oh, Jacob. I remember the moment you were born. You mother was screaming, “I’m not doing this again.” Let us pray. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water these days because look how big you’re getting. You look mar….ginally bigger than you were before.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob and his dad, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Jacob: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a gas station at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey man is claiming he was robbed by rapper DMX at a local gas station. He knew it was DMX because it said so right on his name tag. He’s not doing good, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: In an up head in the Washington post, republican presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson said that he wants to get rid of the selfie stick, which raises the question, what does Ben Carson think a president does?

[Picture changes to Golf Digest magazine]

Golf Digest magazine has created a controversy over a new cover featuring 20 year old golfer Lexi Tompson posing with only a towel covering her breasts. But before you call them sexist, they did the same thing last month with Arnold Palmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Maya Angelou stamp at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that a new stamp featuring the late poet Maya Angelou contains a quote that she did not write. Now that’s bad but not as bad as how none of you noticed, that his is actually picture of Della Reese. Oh, you feel a little racist now, don’t you? And you should coz I’m lying. That’s actually Toni Morrison. This is Della Reese. [Picture changes to Morgan Freeman] [Picture changes to a cop car]

A Pennsylvania woman was arrested for allegedly giving her six month old son cocaine. But on a bright side, he did say his first million words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grilled cheese sandwich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that people who find grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. Read more about it in this month’s issue of [picture changes to a magazine called ‘What?’] What?

[Picture changes to 7Eleven logo]

Today was bring your own cup day at 7Elevens around the country where customers could fill up any cup they brought in with a Slurpee. But if you missed it, don’t worry, you could just do it any day. It’s 7Eleven, man! Go nuts! What’s the worst thing that happens? You get kicked out of a 7Eleven? That’s the best thing that can happen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of NCAA, Duke and Wisconsin team logos]

Michael Che: Duke beat Wisconsin 68-63 to win the NCAA championship. Afterwards, disappointed Wisconsin students took to the streets to riot the only way white people know how… without consequence. You lucky bastards.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of baseball field at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hey. During opening day at Chicago’s Wrigley field, lines for bathrooms were so long that fans resorted to urinating in cups. A move Chicago-ains are calling, “Hey, free beer”, and “Oh, no!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture from a scene from Game of Thrones at left top corner.]

This Sunday is the premiere of Game of Thrones. This season focuses on a woman from a once powerful family who will stop at nothing to claim her rightful place on the throne. Based on the true story of [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] Hillary Clinton. I guess that does explain Hillary’s new campaign slogan ‘Winter is Coming’.

Sources say that tomorrow Hillary Clinton will formally announce her presidential campaign. Early polling shows that Hillary has a substantial lead over her nearest democratic challenger, the margin of error.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Raul Castro at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At the Summit of Americas on Friday, president Obama shook hands with Cuban president Raul Castro. But don’t get your hopes up for peace because the only time I’ve ever seen a black guy and Cuban guy shake hands was [Picture changes to a boxing match] in the ring before fight.

[Picture changes to Rand Paul]

Rand Paul announced that he is running for president and his slogan will be ‘Defeat the Washington machine, unleash the American dream’, which is lot better than Jeff Bush’s slogan, ‘Buy two Bush’s, get one free.”

[Picture changed to apple watch]

Apple made it’s new watch available for pre-order on Friday. Consumers are disappointed that it doesn’t have a camera while police are happy that it doesn’t have a camera. What? Cops hate pictures. It’s like their least favorite thing to shoot.

Teacher Trial

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Gabbin Deli… Pete Davidson

Cathy Deli… Kate McKinnon

Plaintiff lawyer… Taraji P. Henson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Deli… Bobby Moynihan

Defense lawyer… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’r watching HLN. That stands for Head Line News.

[Cut to the pieces of news on cut news papers]

When I return to HLN’s live coverage of Hot For Teacher: the Janet Johnson-Luna’s civil trial.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott. Here at the Hillsborough County Courthouse in Tampa Bay for day six of the trial of Janet Johnson-Luna.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna sitting in a courtroom.]

A 32 year old teacher at Villa River High School, [Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott] who was caught having a sexual relationship with 16 year old student Gabbin Deli.

Paula Abbott: In court today is Deli’s mother, [Cut to 5 crying in the courtroom] Cathy Deli, who is suing Ms. Luna on behalf of her son.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: We now go to the courtroom where Gabbin Deli has taken the stand.

[Cut to the courtroom.]

Plaintiff lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Deli.

Gabbin Deli: Hello, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, your physical relationship with the defendant lasted how long?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, five glorious weeks, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Can you point out the defendant for the court.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yeah, she is right over there, looking all fine.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna. She is blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] You’re stupid.

[Cut to 5, Plaintiff lawyer and Janet Johnson-luna]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling]

She’s a monster!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s keep it cool.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: The affair began on April 15, 2014, correct?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yes, ma’am. It was the best day of my life.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did you feel pressured into being physical with Ms. Luna?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, no. I instigated it. After school, I went in and said, “What can I do for some extra credit?” And it was on.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Judge: Look at you.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli. You mother said you came home that day and felt sick.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Oh, yeah. I asked for some time in home because I was fist pumping the entire walk home from school, and my arm muscles were a little sore.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: How would you describe your mental state after the affair began?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, I’d say it felt like what Disney Land is.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] Oh, my god! So embarrassing.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, when your classmates became aware of your relationship with Ms. Luna, what happened at school?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: I just remember giving thousands of high-fives.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did the kids call you names?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, yes ma’am. The man, luckiest guy ever, my hero, baller, lil Pimp, lil baller, the one, good year pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ran and Pimpy, king of the teachers, after school special, teacher’s petter, the boy who lived, Gabbin the great, Magic the Gabbining, Legend, super cala fragalistic this be such a dope kid, and he who had sex with teachers. I’m sorry, that’s all I can remember but those were the main ones.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Noted. Now, Mr. Deli, were you bullied as the result of the affair?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: No, I wasn’t. I would describe it as the end of the movie ‘Rudy’. I was Rudy.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Are you okay, your honor?

[Cut to Judge laughing]

Judge: Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy. Extra credit!

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] So corny.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: [clears throat as to get attention] Mr. Deli, how did your relationship with the defendant affect your home life?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, it actually brought me closer to my dad. After he saw a picture of Ms. Luna, he took me to a Mallen’s game and bought me my first beer.

[Cut to 5 and Mr. Deli. 5 is staring at Mr. Deli angrily and Mr. Deli is just looking at Gabbin Deli.]

Mr. Deli: [nodding his head to Gabbin Deli] I love you.

[Mr. Deli is really proud] [Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did Ms. Luna make arrangements to meet you after your mother filed a restraining order?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, she did say she wanted to meet that weekend but my schedule was so hectic. I had some meet and greets. And that Sunday, it was Gabbin night at the minor league hockey game. And I was asked to ride the zamboni and sing, “Hot for Teacher.”

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Yeah, I’m done!

[Cut to the courtroom] [Plaintiff lawyer sits down]

Judge: Defense.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Defense lawyer]

Defense lawyer: You know, we’re beyond good at this point, your honor.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, may I be excused, sir?

Judge: No… not until you pound it! Ha-ha-ha.

[Judge gives Gabbin Deli a fist to pound]

Mr. Extra Credit right here. Yeah, you excused.

[Gabbin Deli climbs over the stand and goes to Janet Johnson-luna in haste]

2014 minute recess.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli]

Janet Johnson-luna: Don’t do that.

Gabbin Deli: I wasn’t gonna.

[Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli are blushing]

Sesame Street with Taraji P. Henson

Cookie… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Sesame Street intro]

Male voice: This week on Sesame Street, the count is making cupcakes.

[Cut to Count Von Count counting cupcakes]

Count Von Count: Five, six and seven. Seven cup cakes. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Elmo]

Male voice: Elmo’s got a new backpack. And Cookie is being a real monster.

[Cut to Cookie Monster]

Cookie Monster: Who? Me?

Cookie: No, me.

[Cookie from Empire walks in]

Cookie Monster: Wow, wow, wait a minute.

Male voice: From the hit show, Empire, it’s special guest Cookie.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Hey, Bert. I’ll change my apple for half of your sandwich.

[Cut to Bert and Ernie. Cookie from Empire walks in]

Cookie: No, uh-uh! He’s trying to play you. What you trying to do, big man?

[Cut to Ernie looking worried]

Ernie: But- but–

Cookie: B-B-B-But! Oh, now you can’t speak English?

[Cut to Bert looking shocked]

Male voice: Relationships will crumble.

[Cut to Cookie from Empire with Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus]

Cookie: You remember something, Snuffy, I knew this bird first.

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Can’t we all be friends Cookie?

Cookie: Snuffy, you need to stop rapping like you from the streets, coz you not about that life!

Male voice: And this week, Cookie is gonna get what’s her’s.

[Cut to Cookie Monster and Cookie from Empire]

Cookie Monster: You want to share me cookie?

[Cookie Monster shows Cookie a cookie]

Cookie: Oh, no baby, Cookie don’t share.

Male voice: No matter what the cost.

[Cut to Cookie from Empire and Murray Monster]

Murray Monster: Oh, no! I can’t find Elmo anywhere.

[Murray Monster looks at Cookie. She is wearing a red fur coat.]

Oh, wait a minute. Cookie, where did you get that red fur?

Cookie: Don’t you worry about it baby!

Male voice: Betrayal, revenge, sing-a-longs.

[Cut to Sesame Street characters singing with Cookie from Empire]

Cookie: Y’all are freaks. That’s good. I can mark at that.

Male voice: Sesame Street, starring Taraji P. Henson.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: The P is for Puppet! Hmph!

[The end]

QVC

Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson

Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon

Blayah… Aidy Bryant

Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with QVC intro]

Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.

[Claudette walks in]

Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.

Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?

Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.

Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.

[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]

Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.

[Cut to all]

Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.

Claudette: Okay, here it is.

[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]

Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.

Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yeah, the third way.

[Claudette looks around thinking]

Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?

[Cut to all]

Temora: Uh, that’s two.

Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?

Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .

Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.

Caller: No, it’s Rachel.

Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!

Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.

Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]

Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.

Temora: Oh, no, no.

Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?

Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.

Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.

Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?

Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.

[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]

Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.

[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]

He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.

Claudette: Bye guys.

[End]

 

I Made It Monologue

Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Taraji P. Henson.

[Taraji P. Henson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Taraji P. Henson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is so nice! Oh my god, being in Saturday Night Live really means so much to me because it proves that after 20 years of show business, white people finally know who I am.

[cheers and applause]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Look, now I’ve been around a while, but a lot of you are just getting to know me as Cookie on Empire.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. No, no, no, real talk. This role changed my life. I mean, I spent so many years hustling in this business and now I’m here. So, I guess you can say I made it. Hallelujah!

[Taraji P. Henson gets a mic] [music playing] [singing] Don’t worry about where you are
be grateful that you’ve come this far
you may not always come in first
just remember, that it could be worse
I could have been in acts to older Lion King
could be wearing some giant two wings
could be tryina’ make some bachelor holla!
could be twerking on a pole for a dollar
I could have been a hiphop, being a hoe
didn’t work no twice, but let no more

[backup singers come behind her.]

I know all that stuff matters now
coz I made it.

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: I used to tip 5, now it’s 30%

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes! I made it.
All my stuffs at apartment just to pay rent

Backup singers: Oh, yes, you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes I made it
Kudo pasta samples in the grocery store
although they know that I couldn’t pay no more

Backup singers: I know all that stuff matters now
coz you made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Oh, yes, I made it.

Now listen. Instead of worrying about where we want to be, how about we try to be thankful for where we’re not? Tthink about all the things we could be doing right now. We’re blessed. Somebody better testify.

[Taran Killam walks in]

Taran: I could still be performing magic for my parent’s friends.

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: I could be the oldest cast member in Good Burger 7.

Taraji P. Henson: Hey, dawg, you made it.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: I could have been behind the counter at Nathan’s. Now, I’m in front of it.

Taraji P. Henson: Ah! You made it!

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: I could be a well adjusted college sophomore .

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it young man.

Pete: Sure!

[Venessa Bayer walks in]

Venessa: I could have been the most famous Jewish person from Cleveland. JK, I am!

Taraji P. Henson: You made it!

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: I could have straight up been in jail.

[music stops]

Taraji P. Henson: Oh!

Leslie: Seriously. I have done some stuff.

[Taraji P. Henson hides behind Leslie]

I even shouldn’t be on TV right now because somebody might recognize me and turn me in.

Taraji P. Henson: But you made it.

Leslie: Yes, I did.

Taraji P. Henson: We used to steal cable and watch the TV

Everyone: But we made it. Oh, yes, we made it.

Taraji P. Henson: Think about where we could have been
think how we moved on up like the tread machine

Everybody: Coz, we made it, we made it.
Whoo! Yeah!

Wow! We got a great show for you tonight. Mumford & Sons are here with me. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.