Tag: episode 19

Lando’s Summit

Lubestein… Mikey Day

Lando Calrissian… Donald Glover

Sal Guerero… Kenan Thompson

Key Beeba… Leslie Jones

Emchigo… Chris Redd

[Starts with a message video. Message reads: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…]

[Cut to Lubestein speaking at the stage podium]

Lubestein: Sorry to interrupt your mingling. I am Lubestein, Hospitality Director here at the Naboo Beachfront Hotel. We are thrilled to host your event and it’s fun activities all week long as you enjoy our beautiful view. Now, please welcome the chairman of this event, Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[Lando Calrissian walks in and Lubestein leaves the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Lando Calrissian: Yes, yes. I like that guy. Classy guy right there. My, my. We weren’t kidding. This hotel does have a gorgeous view. I love alien girls coz it’s always a surprise when their clothes come off. So, it’s like, “Oh, that’s your that? We’ll figure it out.” Welcome, my brothers and sisters to the first ever galactic summit for all black humans. This started with one question. “Where the hell are all the black people in space?” For a while, I thought it was me, the only one but now I see before me all the black humans in the galaxy.

[Cut to the audience. There are three black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

[Cut to Lando Calrissian.]

I’ll say it. Turnout was a little low. We were expecting a thousand guests. I held out hope that there was a black human planet somewhere but I guess it’s just us. Lots of lizard men wearing vests, just four black people though. Okay, let’s kick things off with a welcoming remarks from my man, Mr. Sal Guerero.

[Sal Guerero walks in]

Sal Guerero: Thank you, everyone. As I look upon the hundreds of faces like my own– Sorry, I wrote this like, a week ago. I am filled with hope. Our voice was once a whisper. Now, it is a roar. Let me hear your roar. Roar!

[Cut to the audience. There are two black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

Audience: Roar.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: I would now like to read a list of all the black humans who lived before us to honor their memory. Mace Windu. Thank you.

[Sal Guerero walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Up next, the lovely Key Beeba. Talk about all the activities we have going on this week.

[Key Beeba walks in. Lando Calrissian takes holds and kisses her hand.]

Key Beeba: [staring at Lando Calrissian] I don’t know you like that. That ain’t coo.

[Lando Calrissian just walks backwards.]

The following activities have been canceled due to low attendants. Everything except meals.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: Does that include the thousand man march?

[Cut to Key Beeba looking at Sal Guerero fiercely.]

Key Beeba: What do you think, dude? Also, the location of the group picture has been changed from the outdoor coliseum to anywhere we want. That’s it.

[Key Beeba walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Alright. Emchigo, you wanna say anything up here?

[Cut to Emchigo]

Emchigo: Nah, I’m good.

[Cut to Lubestein walking in the stage]

Lubestein: Alright. Our seafood buffet is officially open. Grab a plate and help yourself. While you eat, please enjoy music from a blue monster and Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[There’s a creature that has big ears and long nose trunk like an elephant. He is playing the musical instrument.]

Lando Calrissian: You know, before I made a living playing cards an doing other stuffs that’s not really explained. I wanted to be a singer. There’s a little song I wrote about space and it’s called making love in space. Two, three, four.

[singing] Making love in space
yeah, making love in space
you need a man though, girl
come see Lando

Girl, making love in space
I love my….

Friendos (featuring A$AP Rocky)

Donald Glover

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Angela… Cecily Strong

[Music video starts with clips of rappers flexing their money, cars and lifestyle.]

Donald Glover: Friendo!
Yeah, you already know
Kenan: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Ayy, lambo
Out the bando

Kenan: Ayy, ayy, ayy ayy!

Donald Glover: [rapping] Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up (yeah) [Kenan doing all the backup voices]
We in the club and we turn it up (turn up)
Pinky worth Chris Redd50 thou’ (wow)
Double that up in my mouth (teeth)

Chris Redd: Shorty she bad, like all my swag
Boy, she got all of that ass (booty)
Getting that cash, haters be mad
Friendos, we stay with that bag (cookie)

Donald Glover: Woke up in the morning with some bitches and I’m smiling

Chris Redd: But we gotta put in work if we wanna stay shining

Donald Glover and Chris Redd: We go to therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We spent a milli on therapy (woo)
Angela (Angela), Angela (Angela)
Twice a week we go to Angela (ayy)

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Go on

Chris Redd: Ahem, it’s just like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he always want to—

Angela: You know what, let’s use “I feel” statements.

Chris Redd: Oh, my bad. I feel like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he want to talk about the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: [giving back up voice] Lambo!

Donald Glover: But it got the suicide doors though.

Chris Redd: Enough with the Lambo man!

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Just talk to me dawg.

Kenan Thompson: Ayy!

[Cut to music video]

Chris Redd: She wanna hear ’bout our Mommas (Momma)
All of our fears and our traumas (bad)

Donald Glover: Homies be asking me stuff (what?)
I don’t be opening up (I’m fine)

Chris Redd: Sometimes I cry, I don’t know why
I just be wanting to fight (aggression)

Donald Glover: Lambo on dub, doors going up, you know I don’t give a fu-

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: See, you’re deflecting. Do you see that? I think you do care

Donald Glover: Naw

Chris Redd: Dawg, whose idea was it to buy the Lambo in the first place?

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Donald Glover: Mine!Chris Redd: No! No, I showed you Chris Redd months ago on

Instagram. I said “I want the ice cream-colored Lambo, with the suicide doors.” Guess who pulled up to the strip club, very next week, looking like a dessert on a wheels?

Kenan Thompson: Pull up

Angela: Sounds like that ice cream Lambo was important to you.

Chris Redd: Mmhmm…

Angela: And when he bought it first, you felt…?

Chris Redd: Invisible.

Kenan Thompson: Visible!

Angela: You needed him to hear you, but instead of being present, he was gone.

Kenan Thompson: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Look, I see that I hurt you. I’m sorry dawg. I think I was acting out ’cause I just missed our friendship. You know, before the money, before the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Ayy man, I miss that too, you know what I mean? Like, you think we can work on that?

Donald Glover: We sure can.

Angela: Wow, you see what that was?

Kenan Thompson: Ayy.

Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson: Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy!

[Cut to music video]

All: Breakthrough (breakthrough), breakthrough (breakthrough)

Donald Glover: Stunt on these hoes with my breakthrough (stunt on ’em)

Chris Redd: We got some issues, hand me some tissues–

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: We haven’t heard much from you today

Kenan Thompson: Huh?

Angela: You haven’t spoken up at all.

Kenan Thompson: Y-yeah I have, I-I’ve been repeating—

Angela: Repeating what these two say, I know, but what do you think?

Kenan Thompson: I-I don’t know, nobody care what I think, I just do the ad-libs.

Chris Redd: Ayy, that’s not true man, c’mon now.

Angela: Let’s, let’s let him speak.

Chris Redd: First of all, don’t interrupt me bitch, I’m talking to my brother.

Angela: Yeah, but instead of talking, bitch, how ’bout you listen?

Chris Redd: Oh damn.

Kenan Thompson: I guess I just assume that you guys, like, pity me? Like y’all really don’t want me around?

Donald Glover: No, man! You funny!

Chris Redd: Yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Really?

Chris Redd: Yeah man!

Kenan Thompson: Thank you, ’cause you know I actually be thinking about my jokes and stuff.

Donald Glover: Man, don’t start crying man. You start crying and I’ma start crying.

Kenan Thompson: Why don’t y’all let it out, you know what I’m saying? Woo.

All: Woo, woo, woo, woo!

[Cut to music video]

All: Group hug (group hug), group hug (group hug)
Me and my homies a group hug (growth)
In therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We make it rain on our therapist

Chris Redd: Damn, Angela sexy!

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Well, that’s all the time we have.

Donald Glover: Alright, well.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, okay man.

Chris Redd: I guess we just gon’ leave then. Thank you Angela.

Donald Glover: Alright, cool.

Kenan Thompson: Alright, bye.

Chris Redd: Ayy.

[Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson walk out of Dr. Angela’s office. A$AP Rocky is sitting in waiting lounge]

Donald Glover: Ayy, what’s up A$AP?

A$AP Rocky: Friendos! Yo, what’s happening bro? Yo, I peeped the ice cream Lambo parked out front. It’s hot!

Donald Glover: Thanks, that was his idea. [pointing at Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: Damn…

Donald Glover Monologue

Donald Glover

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Glover.

[Donald Glover walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Glover: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys, so much. Thank you. I’m really excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live. And the answer to the question everyone’s asking is, “Yes, I am Dani Glover’s father.” I used to live in New York and it’s so great to be back here. Specially now that I’m rich. You know, seriously. I recommend it. I was poor here and it’s way better when you’re rich. But it’s truly is an honor to be hosting SNL, and you know, instead of just auditioning for it which I did twice. That’s not a joke. I just still pissed. But it all kind of worked out for me. I was on a show called “Community.” [cheers and applause] And I play Lando Calrissian in the new Star Wars movie solo. [cheers and applause] And if you’re black, I met Atlanta and Redbone. [cheers and applause] Lot of black people in here.

I’m an actor, a writer and a singer. Some people have described me as a triple threat. But I kind of like to call myself just a threat. Not to bring up my audition because I’m not hung up on it. I still don’t know why I didn’t get the job. I’m good at lot of things like, music. Can I get a 180 tempo, something jazzy in the key of D? Hit it.

[The band playing music]

There we go. That feels good. Let’s take a walk, shall we?

[Donald Glover walks out of the stage.]

[singing] I really can do anything

[walks to Kyle Mooney] Hey, what’s going on, Kyle?

Kyle: Hey, Donald. Not much.

Donald Glover: Ah! Hey, let me ask you a question. What did you do for you audition?

Kyle: Bunch of characters. [showing the skateboard] Then I did this skateboarding a bit.

Donald Glover: Oh, you skateboard?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah.

Donald Glover: Can I have the skateboard? I can do that too. You know?

Kyle: No problem, yeah. Go for it.

Donald Glover: You mind if I do it?

Kyle: Please.

Donald Glover: Awesome.

[Donald Glover tries the skateboard. He falls down badly. He stands suddenly.]

That’s called an ollie.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Are you okay?

Donald Glover: Yeah. I’m great. I’ll see you later.

Kyle: Are you sure?

[Donald Glover just walks way]

Donald Glover: [singing] I really can do anything

[Donald Glover walks to Kenan Thompson. He is cooking something.]

Hey, Kenan. How are you?

Kenan: Hey. Good, man.

Donald Glover: So, what did you do for your audition?

Kenan: Do you have any idea how long ago that was? I have no idea.

Donald Glover: Are you doing your chef character? Can I? I can do that too.

[Donald Glover picks up a cup, takes whatever Kenan is cooking in it and drinks it.]

Kenan: No, no. I’m sorry. I was cleaning rags in there. You gonna get sick, man.

Donald Glover: Oh! Nah, dude. I’ve got an iron stomach. All I ate is hotdogs backstage. I can really do anything.

[Donald Glover walks away]

[singing] I really can do anything

[Donald Glover walks to a guy who is fixing things at the ceiling with a long stick]

Hey, that looks– you mind if I give it a little– I can do that. [Donald Glover takes the stick] [Donald Glover burps] Oh! Got a little tummy trouble. Let me try this a little bit. [Donald Glover tries to do what the guys was doing. All the lights turn off.] Oh! That fixed it.

[Donald Glover walks away to Cecily Strong and Beck Bennett]

Hey, Cecily, Beck. What did you guys do for your audition?

Beck: Oh, well, I’m very glad you asked.

Donald Glover: Oh, I do not want to know.

[Donald Glover walks away]

Cecily: Oh, he’s obsessed with his audition.

Beck: I know. He keeps showing us his audition tape and he won’t watch mine.

Cecily: Alright. He keeps bragging that he can play clarinet. What even is that?

Beck: Yeah. He thinks being here this week will help him get on SNL.

Cecily: He’s hosting SNL.

Beck: Oh, have I shown you my audition tape?

Cecily: Beck?

[Cut to Donald Glover back on the stage. He is carrying a clarinet.]

Donald Glover: Did I mention I can play clarinet?

[Donald Glover just screams into the clarinet. The clarinet is not playing at all.]

You know, it actually went better at my audition. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Childish Gambino is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dirty Talk

Donald Clover

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a man and a woman getting into their bed.]

Man: Hey, baby. Looking good.

Woman: Thanks. Well, goodnight.

Man: Wait, wait, wait. Baby, it’s Saturday.

Woman: Oh, yeah. Sex night. I’m jazzed to do it. Let’s start.

[Woman leans towards Man]

Man: Wait, wait, wait. I was just thinking maybe we can mix it up a little tonight. You know, try a little dirty talk. Saying stuff that you shouldn’t say.

Woman: Alright.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah. You’re like the little slut, huh?

Woman: Um, that’s so retarded.

[Man backs off]

Man: What? What? Don’t say the R word though, coz that’s like, really offensive, right?

Woman: Depends on how I use it, I guess.

Man: No, it’s kind of bad. Let’s just stay away from that. Maybe try like, being, you know, little mean to me. You know?

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Yeah, come on, girl. Hurt me.

Woman: Your dad’s dead.

[Man backs off]

Man: Baby? That wound’s still fresh. I’m like, really sad now.

Woman: Oh, man. I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the normal way? Lazy sideways?

Man: No. Look, I wanna try this. I think we could spice things up. It’d be good for us, you know? How about you just call me a little bitch or something.

Woman: Ooh, okay. I like that.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Oh, I want you.

Woman: Yeah, you do, you little bitch.

Man: Ooh, you’re so mean to me.

Woman: Coz you’re my little brother, bitch. Now, scram!

[Man backs off]

Man: What?

Woman: Stay out of my room, dork!

Man: No. Don’t. Baby, don’t be my sister. That turns me off.

Woman: But you were saying, “Oh, yeah.”

Man: Yeah, that was before I knew you had made us siblings. You know? So, no big twists. Maybe we just– I’ll take a lead. How about that? [Woman nods yes] Alright.

Woman: Yeah, right, dweeb! Mom and dad put me in charge.

Man: Baby, that scenario, we’re not doing it anymore. Okay? Here, I’ll talk dirty to you. Alright? Is that cool? [They try to do the dirty talk] Oh, you little freak!

Woman: [impersonating] Yes, I’m the Elephant Man.

[Man backs off]

Man: No. Not the Elephant Man, okay? That’s not sexy. That’s like, really sad. He had a sad life and the image in my head is the worst possible thing for sex. You know? Okay, but clearly you wanna role play. So, how about I’m a cop and you’re a criminal?

Woman: Oh, sounds naughty.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Coz I killed my mom.

Man: No, no, no. You didn’t murder anyone.

Woman: Yeah, I did. She’s in the trunk.

Man: No, no, no. Different crime, okay? You’re not a murderer. You’re different criminal, baby. You’re like– [They try to do the dirty talk] Hand up, you’re under arrest.

Woman: [impersonating Bill Cosby] But the general pudding pop said–

[Man backs off]

Man: No! Don’t be Bill Cosby. Don’t ever be Bill Cosby in the bedroom. Don’t. You know what? Forget it. It’s fine. This isn’t gonna work. Let’s just watch TV.

Woman: Oh, so that’s it? Man, you’re such a bitch sometimes.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah, I like that.

Woman: [impersonating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

Man: No, don’t be Fat Albert.

Courtroom

Plaintiff’s attorney… Cecily Strong

Mr. Miller… Mikey Day

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Defendant’s attorney … Donald Glover

[Starts with plaintiff’s attorney asking Mr. Miller questions in the court]

Plaintiff’s attorney: One final question, Mr. Miller and I know this has been a difficult experience to relive.

Mr. Miller: It has.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Do you feel that you are in any way at fault for your friends and family being eaten?

Mr. Miller: Of course, not. All I know is that I miss them.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Hmm. All he knows is that he misses them. No further questions.

Judge: Your witness?

Defendant’s attorney: Thank you, your honor. [Defendant’s attorney stands and walks to Mr. Miller] All he knows is that he misses them. And that might be true but that is not why we are here today. We re hereto determine whether my client, Jurassic Park, the beautiful island full of real life dinosaurs, is responsible for the death of Mr. Miller’s friends and family when all the dinosaurs got out. And I say no.

Mr. Miller: I say yes.

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: No, man. Definitely not.

Defendant’s attorney: So, Mr. Miller, Jurassic World shouldn’t have to pay you money even though you agreed to waive all rights to sue the park.

Mr. Miller: What? No. I did not agree to that.

Defendant’s attorney: Exhibit A. [Defendant’s attorney passes a paper full of blood to Mr. Miller] Mr. Miller, could you please read the indemnification on the back of your VIP all access raptor’s pass?

Mr. Miller: I can’t read it. It’s covered in my friend Scott’s blood.

Defendant’s attorney: Well, move your friend Scott’s blood around with your finger until you can read it. [Defendant’s attorney walks to a member jury who is black] I mean, can you really believe this, sister?

Jury member: Get out of my face.

Mr. Miller: Um, it says Jurassic World is not responsible for lost or damaged items.

Defendant’s attorney: Lost or damaged items, like your friends and family.

Mr. Miller: Well, I don’t consider my friends and family items.

Defendant’s attorney: But the law does.

Judge: Let the record show that he law does not.

Defendant’s attorney: Alright. Let me ask you this, Mr. Miller. Did you have a good time at Jurassic Park?

Mr. Miller: Um, no. It was the single worst experience of my life.

Defendant’s attorney: Ah! Please direct your attention to the monitor. This is an Instagram story posted by Mr. Miller on the date in question.

[Defendant’s attorney turns plays the video on the screen.]

[Cut to the video. Mr. Miller is with two of his friends and they have having a lot of fun.]

Alright, stop. Stop. Stop. [Defendant’s attorney pauses the video] Sure sounded like you were having fun to me. Good time, liar!

Plaintiff’s attorney: Okay, request permission to show the rest of the video?

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. I do not see why that would be relevant in this case.

Judge: Permission granted.

[Defendant’s attorney plays the video. As soon as the video plays, Mr. Miller in the video starts screaming and the screen goes all bloody.]

Defendant’s attorney: Who even knows what is happening there? I mean, really?

Judge: That’s him and his friends getting eaten by the dinosaur. I mean, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to weigh in but that’s what it is.

Mr. Miller: Specifically, a T-Rex grabbed my friend Rachel and swallowed her without biting like you would take a Tylenol.

Defendant’s attorney: Objection, your honor. The T-Rex is a good guy now. It is consistently saving the day. Sustained!

Judge: Counsellor, you can’t sustain your own objection. [to Mr. Miller] Continue, sir.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. After that, a flying dinosaur, the long nose landed on my brother and he ate my brother’s face. And then one of those big new genetically engineered ones that you guys made with like, the giant claws–

Defendant’s attorney: Yeah, the Psychosaurus, yes.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. That guy came in and he ate the dinosaur that ate my brother.

Defendant’s attorney: Hmm. “He” ate my brother. “That guy” came in. And yet, Mr. Miller, may I remind you and the court that all dinosaurs at Jurassic park are female. Your honor, the witness had lied under oath. I declare a mistrial because Mr. Miller’s credibility is extinct. Ha-ha! [Defendant’s attorney pours himself a glass of water and drinks it.] This court is adjourned.

Judge: Well, the court is not adjourned because this was not a mistrial. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will now begin the liberations to reach a verdict.

Jury member: We have reached a verdict already. We all just kind of looked at each other and nodded. We find the defendant Jurassic World Theme Park guilty of charges. They got to learn. The dinosaurs always get out.

Judge: Ha-ha. That they do. That they do.

Defendant’s attorney: I see. Well, I guess that’s lunch then.

[Defendant’s attorney pulls out a huge egg]

Plaintiff’s attorney: Is that a dinosaur egg?

Defendant’s attorney: Well, yes. You think this is okay to eat?

Barbie Instagram

Diedra… Cecily Strong

Bernard… Kenan Thompson

Tamra… Heidi Gardner

Michael… Pete Davidson

Donald Glover

[Starts with Diedra and Bernard holding orientation for new interns]

Diedra: Guys, welcome to your first day as interns at Mattel, the Barbie division. You’re all here because of your interest in toy marketing or in Barbie herself. We take the Barbie brand very seriously here. Let the senior VP of Barbie social media elaborate more on that.

Bernard: Who is Barbie? Barbie is fun. Barbie works hard and plays thoughtfully. She has one boyfriend. She is impossible. She is girl to the max. Barbie is current, you understand?

Diedra: Yes, exactly. And last year we launched our very popular instagram account which allows her to connect with her fans online. And you three will be helping out with the captions.

Bernard: Why don’t we give it a try?

[There’s a picture of a Barbie in the screen]

Diedra: What would be a fun caption for this post? Tamra?

Tamra: “Um, love my juice and my chocolate bar.”

Bernard: That’s not a chocolate bar. It’s a clutch.

Diedra: It’s fine. You, what would you write here?

Michael: “I’m holding a chocolate bar.”

Bernard: I swear to god–

Diedra: Michael, sweetie, he just told you it’s a clutch.

Michael: Oh, oh. Then, “Oh, no. I forgot my clutch.”

Bernard: She is holding the clutch!

Michael: Oh. Then where is her chocolate bar?

Bernard: [yelling] There never was one.

Diedra: Alright. Never mind. What about you?

Donald: “I can’t shake the image of that girl getting hit by that car four years ago outside of my dream house. Anyway, I was holing a chocolate bar like this one.”

Bernard: Listen to me boy, Barbie never witnessed such a thing. That sort of thing does not happen outside of Barbie’s house.

Diedra: Bernard, calm down. It’s okay. Let’s just– we’ll do another picture. [the picture on the screen changes] Tamra, what’s your caption?

Tamra: “Hi, it’s Barbie. I can’t find my dog.”

Bernard: The dog is right there at her feet.

Tamra: Yeah. But she’s not seeing it.

Diedra: Alright. Michael, what’s your caption?

Michael: “I’m Barbie.”

Diedra: She’s answering the phone saying, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: No. She’s just thinking it.

Bernard: So, she picked up the phone, held to her face and mouth and thought, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: Yes. Exactly. She’s practicing.

Bernard: Practicing what? Thinking that she’s Barbie?

Michael: Okay. Let’s move on. Jason, your caption?

Donald: “Hey, I’m so sorry to do this but I won’t be able to come to the party. I just can’t. I got all dressed up but I just can’t shake this funk I’m in. I’m freaking out. I’m back to thinking about that girl from four years ago. I know it sounds crazy but I think she was trying to tell me something. I’m sorry. I’m stuck. Anyway, give me a call when you can. Oh, I’m sorry. This is Barbie. But you knew that. You have caller ID. I’m so stupid. Good bye.”

Bernard: So, young man, you are suggesting that not only Barbie will miss a party, but that she’s traumatized by something that I just told you never happened to her?

Donald: I think addressing the trauma is important. It’s a discussion that needs to be have.

Bernard: Not by Barbie. Not by Barbie.

Diedra: Bernard, breathe. Remember your condition. Okay, let’s just do another one but I’ll show you what we have in mind, okay. [Another picture of Barbie appears on the screen. Barbie is looking away at the sunset.] “Beautiful sunset in Malibu.” You see? Just like that.

Tamra: Oh.

Michael: Sure.

Donald: I like it.

Diedra: Okay? Go for it.

Tamra: “It’s almost not night anymore.”

Diedra: Oh, my god. And you?

Michael: Is that Barbie?

Diedra: Is that Barbie in the picture? Of course that’s Barbie.

Michael: Oh. I didn’t recognize her back. In that case, “I’m Barbie. This is just my back.”

Donald: Now me. “I overheard a woman at the supermarket say the strangest thing. She said, ‘There goes Barbie. Poor thing. She doesn’t know she’s a toy created by a corporation. Silly thing has never wondered where the car or the house came from.’ And the truth is I never thought of those things until today. Today is the first and very last day of my life.”

Bernard: Okay. I’m really trying to wrap my brain around this. You’re suggesting that Barbie find out that she’s a toy in a supermarket and then she has some sort of identity crisis that drives her to suicide?

Donald: It’s the only way she can be free.

Bernard: Okay, Diedra. I’m going to close my eyes and when I open them, I want all three of them out of the building.

Diedra: Yes. Yes. And I’m going to leave my eyes open and make sure that that happens for him. Well, leave! [the interns leave] Alright. You can open your eyes. They’re gone. Alright. So, we’re gonna go with “I’m Barbie. This is my back.” Right?

Bernard: Oh, definitely. It gets to the point.

A Kanye Place

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

David… Donald Glover

[Starts with five people walking in a farm at night. It’s dark. They are whispering while speaking.]

Cecily: I’m so scared.

Beck: Shh. Don’t let the monsters hear us.

Kenan: We have to be quiet.

Aidy: [to Kenan] I love you.

[David is using his phone as he’s walking. He gets surprised.]

David: You guys.

Cecily: Shh.

David: Kanye just tweeted–

Aidy: David! Shh!

David: He said he would have voted for Trump.

Cecily: Wait, seriously? When?

Kenan: Guys, don’t talk unless it’s absolutely necessary. The monsters can’t see us but they can hear us. And if we’re too loud, we’ll all be killed.

[David looks at the phone again]

David: Kanye has the hat and everything.

Beck: Shh!

David: He signed it. He signed the hat, y’all!

Kenan: Let me see that. [in loud voice] Oh, common, Kanye!

[Suddenly something pulls Kenan into the bushes. He’s gone.]

[Cut to A Kanye Place video bumper]

[Cut to the farm. The other four are still there. Beck gestures not to make a sound.]

[David looks at the phone. He is shocked again]

David: Trump tweeted Kanye.

[Beck gestures “We don’t care. Shut up.”]

Aidy: Kanye is a distraction. We should only talk about what’s important.

Beck: Like, how to survive the monsters.

Aidy: And then I guess also like, the midterms. Coz like, what’s happening with that?

Cecily: I don’t know. I can’t keep up.

[David looks at the phone]

David: Guys, they’re at Chrissy Teigen’s house.

Cecily: No, Kanye. Leave Chrissy Teigen out of this.

David: It really feels like damage control.

Cecily: Did Chrissy Teigen cook anything?

[David looks at the phone]

David: Combo.

Beck: Shh. The monsters will hear us.

Aidy: Well, why are we even talking about this?

David: Because it’s out. It’s all about them. And guess who as at the baby shower. Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Cecily: [in loud voice] From Modern freaking Family?

[Suddenly something pulls Cecily into the bushes. She’s gone.]

Aidy: Oh, my god! She’s gone.

Beck: What if we die here?

David: What if Kanye’s just playing us?

Aidy: You think that’s what’s happening? That is so scary.

David: Thank god he just released a new track.

Aidy: What? But we can’t take the risk of listening to it. Two people just got taken by monsters.

David: I’ve got earbuds.

Aidy: Then cue it up, bitch.

[The music plays without earbuds. Beck takes the phone from them and throws it to the bushes.]

Beck: You idiots.

Aidy: Did he just say, “Poopadi scoop?” [referring to Kanye’s song]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.

Aidy: I need to know if he said “Poopadi scoop.”

[Aidy walks in the bushes to find the phone Beck threw.]

[in loud voice] Yes, he said “Poopadi scoop!”

[Suddenly something pulls Aidy into away. Beck and David start running.]

[Cut to Beck putting sand on the floor. David is still lookin at a phone. The red lights around them turn on.]

Beck: Oh, no. The red lights. It’s an emergency.

David: I know. Kanye was just on TMZ and he said, “Slavery was a choice.”

Beck: [yelling] Nooo!

[Suddenly something pulls Beck into the bushes. She’s gone.]

[Cut to David getting inside a room. There are security camera monitors in that room. There he sees something running on four feet. But David changes the screen visual into Kanye’s speech.]

Kanye: I don’t want y’all to call me fat, so I go liposuction. Right? And they gave me Opoids.

[David takes his phone and starts listening to Kanye’s new music]

David: Hmm, kind of grows on you.

[The monster catches David too.]

[The End]

80’s Music Video

Raz P. Berry… Donald Glover

Ann Saunders.. Cecily Strong

Reginald Saunders… Kenan Thompson

[Music video starts with man and a woman walking. Raz P. Berry is standing behind them and singing. The video looks like an old music video]

[music playing]

Raz P. Berry: [singing] I watched you with him
Strolling in the night
You kissed him twice
Now nothing seems alright

Yes, I watched you with him
Hugging in the night
I love you girl
But the writing’s on the wall tonight

[Cut to Raz P. Berry walking in a restaurant. Jade is sitting there. She is wearing a nice dress.]

Raz P. Berry: Hey girl, how you doing? [Jade stands up] No, no, no! Don’t get up. I’m just gonna join you. Is that alright, Jade?

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] You’re not expecting anybody, are you?

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] You wouldn’t be playing me like that, would you? So I’m just gonna sit here, in this seat, and tell you a little secret. I followed you. Yup, I got in my big car, and followed you, and I saw everything, Jade. And I mean, so mad! I wanted to run you down, Rambo-style. But I chilled–

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, wait. I went back to our apartment, and cancelled all our credit cards. All your nice jewelry? Heh, I put it right up my ass

Woman: I’m so-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Shh. Because you gotta learn about loyalty, baby girl. So now who’s laughing? Heh heh heh, not me. Because if I laugh too hard, that jewelry will fly right out my ass. And I don’t wanna give you the satisfaction. You wanna know what else. I was so mad at you, girl, I tried to cut my own damn thing off.

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] Oh, wait. But I couldn’t do it, you wanna know why? ‘Cause I passed out just from holding the knife. But you wanna know what I did when I woke up? I remembered how much you love the smell of my hair, and how much you don’t like the smell of my pee. You know where I’m going with this, right?

Woman: I-

Raz P. Berry: [interrupting] I poured my own pee in my own hair. How does that make you feel? Because tricks are for cereal, and this is the truth, or my name isn’t Raz P. Berry. What do you have to say to that?

Woman: I-I don’t know who you are.

Raz P. Berry: (laughs) Oh, is that so? Listen to this jackass bray.

Woman: No-no, yeah, I-I don’t mean to embarrass you, I just, what I think what is happening is that your sunglasses are very dark. And it’s, it’s very dark in here.

Raz P. Berry: Right.

Woman: And it’s dark and foggy out there.

Raz P. Berry: That’s also true.

Woman: Because, because I’m not the woman you think I am because I don’t know who you are. Does that make sense?

Raz P. Berry: Back up. So, you’re not my girlfriend Jade?

Woman: No, I’m Ann Saunders, this is my husband Reginald Saunders, M.D.

[Her husband walks in]

Husband: Yes, hello. Who is this?

Woman: Um, this is Raz P. Berry. He’s a, he’s a singer.

Raz P. Berry: And a dancer.

Husband: Oh, it smells like pee around here.

Woman: Oh right. Yes, I remember the things he just sang at me. He um, he, he poured pee in his hair, and he tried to cut his penis off.

Raz P. Berry: And I put jewelry up my butt.

Husband: Why did you those things?

Raz P. Berry: To teach a woman a lesson

Husband: Yes, but how does that do that though?

Woman: Oh, oh, oh, and you were right, there was a car that almost hit us, because he wanted to run us over “Rambo-style”. I don’t know what that means.

Raz P. Berry: It’s Rambo-style because of the sunglasses.

Husband: Rambo didn’t wear sunglasses.

Raz P. Berry: Yeah, but he also didn’t put jewelry up his own ass. Look, I am sorry for the misunderstanding but I have to get home and clean up because I did a lot of horrible things in my apartment that I didn’t even get to in the song. And hey, man-to-man, keep an eye on your woman.

Husband: Oh, you know I do my brother.

Woman: Wha- honey! Come on, let’s get back to heavy drinking now that he’s gone.

Husband: Yeah, alright. Well no, he’s not gone, he’s dancing in the window.

[music playing]

Raz P. Berry: I thought she was her, young girlfriend Jade
But it was the wife
Of doctor, Reginald, Saunders

Where in the World Is Kellyanne Conway?

Sasheer Zamata

Patrick Silva

Stephanie Malolo

Greg Lee

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: The following game show is brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And by viewers like you.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Sasheer at her desk]

Sasheer: She hasn’t been seen in weeks. No one knows where she is or what she’s up to. Gum Shoes, your mission today is to answer this question.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

[Cut to guys singing melody]

Chris: [singing] Used to be on TV on like, every single panel

one day we all woke up but she was no longer there
what could have happened? She is not on any channels
tell me where in the world is–

Kenan: Kellyanne Conway!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Let’s meet the Gum Shoes who can help us find her.

Male voice: He recently took a road trip across the country with his parents. [Patrick runs to his podium] He enjoys television and his friends. Meet Patrick Silva. And [Stephanie runs to her podium] she once saw a lizard at the zoo. She loves computers and lunch. Meet Stephanie Malolo.

Sasheer: I’m here to help them solve the case. It’s ACMI seior agent, Greg Lee.

[Greg Lee walks in]

Greg Lee: Hey, hey! Hey, Gum Shoes. Hope you’re excited. Today’s winner gets a trip for you and your mom to Sacramento. Now, are you guys ready to help us find Kellyanne Conway?

[Patrick and Stephanie look at each other]

Patrick: Well…

Stephanie: We don’t want to find her.

Greg Lee: Okay! Guess, that’s our show. [Melody singers come behind Greg Lee and start singing their melody] Seven weeks in a row and no one wants to find that woman.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This year Weekend Update held a nation wide contest to find a new meteorologist. The winner really amazed us. So, making her live television debut is our own Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn! So, what’s the weather looking like?

Dawn Lazarus: And hello and thank you to you. Let’s have a look in at that weekend. Big sunny skies for you. Let’s pop it all the way next week and yeah, that’s a wow. Pressure’s gonna push it and it’ll come down 10 times.

[Cut to Michael Che looking disappointed]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sorry. What was that?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, I’ll tell ya’. Rain is on that way, but hey, can it hold on for a few more days? Can it? You bet it. The sunny skies will push it away and clouds– [clears throat] Excuse me. That sunny skies will push it away them clouds, starting from Thursday.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t get it, man. You were really good in the audition. But this is very different.

Dawn Lazarus: first time it’s on that cameras and it’s a big nervous one, okay?

Michael Che: Oh, okay. Yeah, I see. So, I think you were saying something about rain on the way? Is that right? Is that true?

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Can you– Can you say more about the rain?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yup. Precipitations is going to have it. And if I’m you, cancel that picnic and get out that umbrella. Whoo! In the map, we got it wet from here all the way in here. And, sky, sky, sky.

Michael Che: Alright, well, we gave that a shot.  Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 5 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House celebrated Cinco De Mayo on Friday by giving away hundreds of free trips to Mexico. [Picture changes to ICE deporting people]

[Cut to Micahel Che. there’s a picture of baseball field at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Major league baseball condemned the unacceptable radical slurs yelled at Orioles outfielder Adam Jones during a game in Boston. Because the only pace for racism in baseball is on the hats. [picture changes to Chief Wahoo hat] In total, 34 people were removed from Fenway park. You know how comfortably racist a has to be for 34 strangers to look around and say, “I think I can yell the N word here”?

[Picture changes to Adam Jones and Curt Schilling]

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said he believed that Jones is lying. Come on, Curt, is that really hard to believe? Of course not everybody in Boston is racist. Not everybody in San Francisco is gay. But if Adam Jones said 34 dudes at a Giants’ game yelled “Yas, Queen”, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s actually pretty low for San Francisco.”

[Picture changes to a rifle and Oklahoma state]

Law makers in Oklahoma want to make it legal for gun owners to– Oh, I’m sorry. I think we are getting some breaking news.

[Cut to Weekend Update Break’n Hnews intro]

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather new set]

Dawn Lazarus: God, boy. It’s a major big-big at tropical hurricane. We’re talking yikes and wind.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Dawn, you are back? Why are you back?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Let’s have at that, threeD threeD. Look at wind speeds gat a woosh? And it’s in danger.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Is it even hurricane season right now?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Ha!

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Did you make up a hurricane because you are nervous?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: You bet ya’. And that’s about that your neck in the woods.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though, because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania. [Michael Che laughing]

[picture changes to Penn Station in New York]

A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters, an event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’