Tag: episode 19

Weekend Update on the AHCA

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, this week President Trump started building his wall, a wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare. The house voted to repeal and replace Obamacare and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement. I’m like, “Ah, I’m sure it’s fine.” Then suddenly, I’m dealing with a pre-exiting condition like that UMichael Che album they forced onto our phones. The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physician’s Alliance. Though, it did receive a rare thumbs up from the grim reaper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his people celebrating at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This picture of them celebrating is just so chilling. No minority can see all these old white dudes smiling and think, “Yeah, I think it’s gonna be great news for us.” They look like they just invented sickle cell. [Colin Jost laughing] [Picture changes to American Healthcare Act logo.]

The new republican health bill would allow insurance companies to charge people higher premiums for 240 preexisting conditions. For reference, here is what 240 preexisting conditions look like. [Picture changes to an old white man] Insurance companies even defined pregnancy as a preexisting condition which baffles me because I have tried to convince a woman her pregnancy was preexisting condition and it does not hold up in court.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture American Healthcare Act logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some expect this will hurt republicans the midterm election since it will raise premium with older Americans and not cover people with preexisting conditions. And this is the worst part, the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second you thought it might be? Even the AARP criticized the republican bill saying the rushed changes make a bad bill even worse. It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup too hot’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Australian flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally, dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said the Australia has better healthcare than us. Why don’t we do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuffs from other countries all the time. Why not take working policies? Australia’s like, “Our healthcare system is amazing.” And we’re like, “Yeah, yeah. You got any more of them Hemsworths though?” President Trump said he would be honored to meet with Kim Jung Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who get’s the last pork chop. Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such bad thing. I mean, we finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like, the only person who can deal with my crazy uncle Jeff is my crazy uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together because we can all just enjoy a peaceful thanksgiving dinner while they are in the bathroom measuring.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.[

Colin Jost: President Trump’s re-election campaign has launched a new ad, touting the achievements of his first 100 days in office. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a list video. The list has ‘Gorsuch’, ‘Health care???’, ‘Cake’ and ‘Golf.’] [Cut to Colin Jost. He is having a coffee]

Wow! I thought I had more time. Trump will take his first international trip as president this month visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose those three countries after Steve Bannon told a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a priest. And Trump was like, “I gotta meet these guys.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Well, summer is just around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] And many people are planning their summer vacations. Not at a Penn Station. Here with her thought is someone who recently went on a vacation to Rome, Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Whoo! Yo! [singing] I want to give you some good, good loving.

Yeah, hello, Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: Wow, Colin Jost? That’s very formal, Leslie. I was expecting something like, “You little vanilla bean.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. I don’t need to do that anymore because I am no longer thirsty. [Cut to Michael Che] Finally, the national crisis is over. I met someone. [cheers and applause] Now, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this to you before, but I have a little trouble in the men department. So, I did what any black woman with man trouble, free time and a passport would do. I went to Jamaica. And I did everything. I got my hair braided, I smoked a little weed, coconut oiled myself up, smoked a whole lot more weed. I put on a little Allen dress with the fringes that make your booty look thick.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nice. So, would you say it sort of like, got your groove back?

[Michael Che stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Michael Che: Never say that again. [Colin Jost nods his head] Look at me. Never.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, I went to the club and in the five minutes that I was not looking, a real man walked up the stairs and found me and it was on! Ha-ha! We tore that place up, man! You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Ah-hah!

Colin Jost: I think yes, I know what you’re saying. Tell me more about it.

Michael Che: Let me- let me explain.

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Details. Details.

Michael Che: Let me explain. [inhales] For what he did to me in that shower, [smiles] I should be in a tiny room with a tiny table sitting at a tiny chair writing on a tiny piece of paper in tiny letters.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, why?

Michael Che: Because it was a secret, Colin. [yelling] Whooo! We did the ‘do not’ everywhere. On the balcony, in the hammock. In the cliffs with a bunch of sea creatures everywhere. Colin, have you ever had sex with a bunch of crabs watching you?

Colin Jost: I have not.

Michael Che: Ha-ha! Them crabs was like, [Michael Che moving sideways like crabs, but with a shocked face.] Now… [Colin Jost laughing hard] [Cut to Michael Che] I used to hate when my friends would say, “You are not going to find a man until you stop looking.” Because I was always looking. I was advertising my ass like one of them Beginsu knives. “This booty can do everything. It can cut through a can and still slice through a tomato afterwards.” But in Jamaica, I finally realized that I didn’t need to try so hard. All I needed to do was be me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think that’s a great advice. I think I’m really happy to hear that. And I just– I don’t know. I just feel a little left out, I guess.

Michael Che: Aw, Colin. You always find a way to bring it back to you, don’t you? Selfish ass. [Colin Jost laughing] You delicious coconut milkshake.

Colin Jost: Aw, thank you.

Michael Che: You will always be my vanilla back up.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s really nice.

Michael Che: And you can always come over and watch me like one of those crabs.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Theme Song Game

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Jen… Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Brad… Chris Pine

[Starts with three couples playing a game in house]

Kenan: Okay, guys. Game night continues. You ready? Guess this theme. [singing] Thank you for being a friend.

Beck: Oh! Oh! It’s ‘Friends’.

Jen: Friends? No, it’s ‘Golden Girls.’

Kate: Honey, you know that.

Beck: I was close.

Kate: You weren’t close. Who’s up next?

Cecily: You know what? We haven’t gone yet.

Brad: Yeah. I think. Is it our turn?

Kenan: Yeah, guys. Go for it. Just pick a card and sing that thing.

Cecily: Okay. Alright. [picks a card]You know what? This one needs two people. Brad, do this one with me, honey.

Brad: You know what? I’m gonna grab a synthesizer.

Cecily: Oh! Should we?

Kate: No, you don’t have to do that. You can just sing it normal.

Cecily: Well, yeah. But we brought it.

Brad: It’s right behind the couch. It’s not a big issue.

Jen: It is.

Brad: Yeah.

[Jen passes the synthesizer to Brad.]

Cecily: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me just–

Brad: So, what are you–

Cecily: Alright, you wanna do the– you do that–

Brad: I’ll do that thing.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad: Okay, so, five, six, seven…

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

Cecily: That’s right, Jie. Run to your work. Avoid your feelings. Just leave me behind without saying goodbye.

Brad: I didn’t think you cared to hear me.

Cecily: Didn’t think I care to hear it? Or didn’t have the nerve so say it to my face?

[Others are watching them with interest]

Brad: [singing] You know exactly what you mean to me

Cecily: I don’t, Joe. [Cecily and Brad stand] [ ] You keep everything up inside

Brad: That’s how my mind works flow
I said that when we met

Cecily: You guys, you know what it is yet?

Brad: Yeah. Nobody is guessing.

Cecily: Come on, it’s obvious.

[Others are now confused]

Kenan: This is a theme song from a show?

Beck: Is it Friends?

Brad: You’ll get it. Let’s keep going.

Cecily: Okay, okay.

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.] [Cecily and Brad start walking around]

Cecily: Dammit, Joe! Look at what’s happened to us. [singing] I’m leaving coz it will never change

Brad: Your expectations are too big

Cecily: I respect myself to much
to love someone who never loved me back

Brad: You know that’s not true

Kate: We don’t know this.

[Cecily and Brad walk to the window and stare outside singing.]

Cecily: [singing] You cannot handle us, Joe
You can only handle you

Brad: Then I guess there’s nothing left

Cecily and Brad: Think it’s goodbye. 

Brad: I warned you this would happen! [Brad punches and breaks the window in front of him]

Kate: My god! Is that what we just saw? He just broke our window!

Beck: His hand is cut really bad.

Cecily: Here, here, Jen. Take over the Synth, okay? Just follow along.

Brad: We’ll take it from here.

[music playing]

Cecily: [singing] Give me your hand

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: You’re bleeding

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: Give me your hand, Joe
so I can wrap your wound

[Cecily tears the curtain of the window and wraps it on Brad’s wound.]

Kenan: Ay! Did she just rip our nice curtains?

Cecily: Does it hurt?

Brad: [singing] The pain was nothing compared to losing you

Cecily and Brad: I’m sorry if I hurt you
I only meant to love you

Beck: I have no idea what this is. Just grab their card.

[Kate pulls their card and looks at it]

Kate: It says Frasier.

Beck: You guys, it says Frasier!

Cecily: Yes!

Brad: That’s it!

Cecily: Well done.

Brad: You got it. Well done.

Kenan: Well, now hang on. Isn’t Frasier more like,  [singing] “say, say, baby, I hear the blues are calling
toss salad and scrambled eggs”

Cecily: No, no. Frasier is…

Cecily and Brad: [singing] I never meant to hurt you

I only meant to love you

Kate: That’s not Frasier.

Cecily: Yea. Yea, it is. It’s the broadway musical about Joe Frazier, the boxer.

Brad: The boxer. And his wife Florence Smith.

Jen: What?

Cecily: Yeah! Guys, it was written by Bradsky brother and his partner just right before they broke up. Hey, so we go again, right? Coz we got it?

Brad: Well, let’s see.

Cecily: Alright, here. You do it. [Cecily pulls a card and gives it to Brad]

Brad: Um, oh! ‘Caroline in the City’.

Kenan: Well, you just said it.

[Cecily pulls the synthesizer]

Cecily: Well, well, that’s alright. We can still do it, right? [Cecily starts playing synthesizer]

Cecily and Brad: [singing] Caroline mama’s drinking again

Kenan: I know what it is.

Jen: Oh, yeah.

The House with Chris Pine

Ryan… Beck Bennett

Adam… Chris Pine

Alex… Kyle Mooney

Robber… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Ryan and Adam playing video game in the living room]

Ryan: Well, that’s game over for me. You wanna maybe watch TV later?

Adam: Sounds good.

Ryan: Okay. See you later.

Adam: Okay.

[Ryan walks out and Alex walks in]

Alex: Hey, Adam, playing a video game?

Adam: Yeah. I love it.

Alex: Well, don’t forget. Tonight I’m making margaritas.

Adam: Oh, that’s perfect. Ryan and I are going to watch TV later.

[Cut to Alex narrating]

Alex narrating: Wait, what? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this? I’ve got to figure out what’s going on.

[Cut to Adam and Alex in the living room]

Alex: Hey, Adam. I think we need to talk.

Adam: Okay.

[Cut to Adam narrating]

Adam narrating: I have absolutely no idea what Alex wants to talk about. He gotta remember, I’m just playing my video game.

[Cut to Adam and Alex in the living room. Adam stops playing video game]

Adam: So, what’s up?

Alex: it’s just, I was going to make margaritas for just you and then I heard about the whole TV thing with with Ryan? I guess I”m confused.

Adam: I sort of forgot about margarita night.

[Cut to Alex narrating]

Alex narrating: Excuse me? Adam was one of the only guys in the house I can trust and he forgets about margarita night? Now, I’ve really gotta figure what’s going on.

[Cut to Adam and Alex in the living room]

Alex: So, you just forgot?

Adam: I’m sorry. Are we still cool?

Alex: I guess. [intense music] We are! [Adam and Alex happily stand] I’m really proud of you for telling me the truth.

Adam narrating: Alex and I are cool again. He’s quickly becoming one of my favorite guys in the house.

[Adam and Alex sit on the couch and starts watching TV] [Ryan walks in with drinks too]

Ryan: Hey, hey. I’m ready for TV time with my main man, Adam. I made Pina Coladas. [Ryan sees Adam and Alex sitting together] Wait, Alex? [Alex stands and stares at Ryan]

Adam narrating: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you, drama.

Adam: Ryan, can we talk?

[Cut to Ryan narrating]

Ryan: Is anyone ever going to explain to me what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room]

Adam: We wanna explain what’s going on here.

Ryan narrating: Okay. Finally, some answers. I’m listening, people.

Adam: What happened earlier that I think you should know about.

[cut to flashbacks]

Alex: Tonight I’m making margaritas.

Adam: I forgot about margaritas.

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room]

Ryan: Wait! You were going to make margaritas?

Alex: Yup. And now that I’ve seen that you’ve made Pina Coladas, we need to have a chit-chat.

[Cut to Ryan narrating]

Ryan narrating: Yep, this is my life.

[Cut to Adam narrating]

Adam narrating: Okay, no comment.

[Cut to random guy]

Guy: I’m staying out of this.

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room]

Adam: I think you guys need some privacy.

Alex: The reason I wanted to talk to you is I want to cancel margarita night and I want to know if you will make me a Pina Colada.

Ryan narrating: Really?

Ryan: The answer to your question is… [intense music] no. Because it’s already made! There’s extra left in the blender. [happy music playing] Now, I’m gonna go pour some for you now.

[Cut to The House video bumper]

Female voice: When we return to The House, Seattle, season six… thousand.

[Cut to Ryan, Adam and Alex in the living room] [a robber breaks in]

Robber: Everybody, give me the f* money right now!

Alex narrating: Say what?

Adam narrating: First the margaritas, and now this? Guess that’s why they call it ‘The House.’

Robber narrating: Welcome to my awkward life.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Chris Pine

Mikey Day

Ash… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

David… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of women wearing red robe.] Female voice: In the not too distant future, the world is at dystopia. Women are enslaved. We have no rights and no freedoms. [people are riotting] Forced by an oppressive government to bear children under penalty of death. My name of Off-red and I intend to survive.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper] [Cut to four women meet. It’s raining]

Ash: Pleased to be the fruit.

Cecily: May the lord open.

All: Under his eye.

[they start walking]

Ash: I have a news. There is a resistance forming. We could join them.

Sasheer: It’s too dangerous.
Cecily: Shh, someone is coming.

[Chris and Mikey walk in]

Chris: Hey, Ash, what’s up?

Mikey: Ash, Jen. Girl squad, man. What the frick is up?

Chris: You guys supposed to be singing on my half birthday. What did you do? Fight? Or what?

Cecily: Do you not know? It’s the republic. Everything is different now.

Chris: Different? How?

Vanessa: We’re hand maids.

Chris: Huh?

Sasheer: The government subjugated the women.

Chris: Looted?

Ash: They took our money and our jobs and our kids.

[Chris and Mikey are wondering about it]

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

Chris: I think I actually read something about that. But I’ve been super busy with work lately.

Ash: Please, leave us.

Sasheer: They see us talking to you, we will be punished.

Mikey: That sucks. You guys should like, fight back.

Chris: My dad is a lawyer. He could help you out. I mean, he mostly does entertainment law. But I’m sure he knows someone good. Just drop an email.

Sasheer: We can’t.

Chris: Okay. Sorry for helping. Ha-ha.

Vanessa: We need to go, Daniel.

Mikey: Actually, her name is Ash.

Ash: No, it’s “of Daniel.” I’m his property now.

Mikey: Wait, Daniel? Yo! That guy is like super conservative now. You should leave.

Ash: Yeah, I can’t.

Mikey: Hey! Yes, you can.

Chris: Bro! David?

[David walks in]

David: Hey!

Mikey: No way!

Cecily: Lower your voice.

Chris: How have you been?

David: Oh, the girl squad. Ah, J town. What’s different about you?

[Vanessa doesn’t have one eye.]

Chris: Oh, David, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this thing about women. It sucks.

David: Oh, yeah. I heard a little something about that. Didn’t know if it was for sure happening. Is there a protest or something?

Sasheer: Yes. Several years ago.

David: Argh! Yeah, I meant to go to that.

[Alert alarm goes on]

Vanessa: Oh, no! It’s too late.

Cecily: They found us.

[Kyle runs in with a gun]

Kyle: [shouting] Freeze! What? Girl squad? Ash, where you been? You missed peace in the park. Okay, this is gonna sound awkward, but I got to take you to the government prison to torture you or whatever. But after that, a bunch of us are going to play tipsy-pop-pop. So, y’all should come through.

[Two men take the girls away]

Chris: How much you wanna bet they don’t even come?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

Male voice: The Handmaid’s Tale, only on Hulu. See Netflix? We have one too.

SWAT Recon

Kenan Thompson

Miller… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Kenan and Miller looking outside through binoculars]

Radio: Recon team, we have SWAT units taking positions now. You have eyes on target?

Kenan: Affirmative, Captain. [Cut to view from binocular through a window. 3 is sitting on a couch on the phone] Target is seating in the living room on the phone. If he was smart, he’d be calling a lawyer. We’ve got this guy on 52 counts of illegal arms sells, over.

Radio: I wouldn’t think twice about shooting at a cop. That’s why we gotta do this one by the book. Is the building clear of civilians?

Miller: Stand by. Sounds like we’ve got some activity in the neighbors place.

[binocular view moves to another window. There are two guys partying.]

Kenan: Um, okay.

Miller: Are those two grown men dancing and eating cotton candy?

Kenan: that’s what it looks like.

Radio: Recon, what’s going on in the neighbor’s apartment?

Miller: Um, not totally sure, sir. Stand by. We got to adult males mid-to-late 30s, caucasian having a cotton candy dance party. Over.

Radio: Sorry, did you say cotton candy dance party?

Kenan: Yes, sir. We currently have eyes on two stoped dudes, feeling the groove in unison while pigging out on cotton candy. Just having an absolute blast. Over.

Radio: Is that some sort of fetish thing?

Kenan: Negative captain. The whole thing has a very innocent 11 year old best friends sleep over vibe. Over.

Radio: Okay. I will inform all units to be aware of the cotton candy dance party next door. Over.

Miller: Hold on, captain. The advise cotton candy party has ended.

Radio: What’s going on now?

Kenan: Alright, this one is trickier. At first glance, neighbors are having what appears to be a backpack fashion show. Over.

Radio: What is a backpack fashion show?

Miller: Exactly what it sounds like, sir. Two people showing off backpacks like they’re working runways. Very fun and silly, but let me just add, captain, they know it’s silly. It’s super tongue and cheek, sir.

Radio: Okay. I will advise strike team of the tongue and cheek backpack fashion show. Stand by.

Kenan: [talking to Miller] Man, you remember when you could have fun like that?

Radio: Hey, Recon, can you give us an update on the suspect?

[binocular view moves to suspect’s window.]

Kenan: Yeah. Okay. Target is currently loading a machine gun.

Radio: What? We’re gonna have to move on this guy now. Has the situation changed next door?

[binocular view moves to another window. There are three guys partying now.]

Kenan: Oh, big time! Two males are bouncing on exercise balls and are now joined by, brace for impact, a tall African-American woman wearing a zoot suit. And smacking on the world’s biggest gummy bear. What is going on?

Radio: Alright. I don’t know how much longer we can wait here. Strike team has to move.

Kenan: Well, then advise strike team that suspect has joined circus of confusion next door. [The suspect is also dancing in the party with  cotton candy] And no need to rush, target’s not gonna run. He’s having the time of his life. I’m seeing this and all I can think is when did I stop allowing myself to cut loose. Am I right? [Kenan looks at Miller. Miller is not there.] Okay, be advised sergeant Miller has joined the party and I am going to as well.

Star Trek Lost Episode

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Uhuru… Sasheer Zamata

Captain… Chris Pine

Scotty… Beck Bennett

Spock… Kyle Mooney

Spocko… Bobby Moynihan

Alex Moffat

[Starts with TV Land Future Classics intro] [Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson in his set]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good evening. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. My vest has suns on it.  I think that is so cool. In 1966, a series called Star Trek would chance television forever, but in its third and final season, the quality faded quicker than the solstice moon. [laughing at his own jokes awkwardly] Sorry. Science makes me silly. Before cancellation, several Star Trek episodes were shot but never aired until now. What follows the first look at episode 81, “Spock’s Secret.”

[Cut to the scene from the episode.]

Uhuru: Captain, the Romulan’s home planet has weakened our systems. Shields are barely holding.

Captain: God, they’re completely shutting us down. Scotty, can we return fire with photon torpedoes?

Scotty: I’m trying my best, captain, but we’ve got a malfunction in the plasmic core system.

Captain: Spock, can you fix it?

Spock: Negative, captain. I’m not familiar with the mechanics of plasma systems, but I do know someone who is… my brother.

Captain: You have a brother?

Spock: A half brother, captain. A citizen of the planet Vulcan who’s one of the academy’s best engineers.

Captain: Well, by all means, send him up.

[Spocko walks in]

Spocko: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Spocko! Reporting for duty over here. I was in the wrong hallway. I opened the door, I almost got sucked out into space. Now, that’s a ‘Star Trek.’

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Spocko was played by actor and nightclub crooner Sal Delabate. In 1968, Delabate’s song, ‘Pizza beach’ was big hit on the dance charts. Producers were trying to appeal to a far out audience. So, in a ratings grab, Spocko was created.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Spocko, are you two actually related?

Spock: Yes, captain. My father ambassador Sarek had a child with a human school teacher who is my mother, but he also fathered a son with an earth woman who worked as a hostess at Mama Guchioni’s family style bistro in ‘Queens, New York.’ That’s Spocko.

Spocko: Yeah. That’s me. That’s Spocko. Come on!

Alex: Captain, I’m not sure I trust this man to repair our ship.

Sulu: Yeah. We’ve never seen him before. It’s weird.

Spocko: Oh, come on, Sulu, don’t be illogical over here. What are you doing?

Captain: I’m sorry, but we’ve got no other choice. Romulus could fire at any moment. Spocko, give it your best shot.

Spocko: Alright. NO problem. [Spocko starts walking around looking for the problem. He is limping.] Now, what’s this here? You got a problem with your plasma core or something?

Scotty: I think it’s a distorted wake pattern.

Spocko: Ah, well, hold on. Let me just get my tools here. Let me just scoot right through here. Need my little machine. Alright, let’s get this puppy open And here we go. [Spocko pulls out a whole system cover. It’s smoking inside.] Yeah. Looks like you got fourteen MCFS ionized gas over here. You konw? that’s your problem.

Uhuru: Excellent diagnosis, Spocko.

Spocko: Ooh! Thank you, Uhuru. He-he-he. You know, look, I’m a Vulcan but I’m very direct sometimes and I got to say, I want to take a big nice bite of that nice bit juicy butt of your’s. Now, that’s a Star Trek.

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Wow! A lot to unpack there. You’re probably wondering about the walk. Sal Delabate was living in the back of a bar at the time. And he had a rare medical condition from eating no solid food except pearl onions and shaved ice. After Sal sexually harassed Uhuru played by Nichelle Nichols, producers knew this episode would never air and they let Delabate do whatever he wanted. Take a look.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Captain’s log. Star date 45, 21.4. Systems are up and running. All thanks to a Vulcan from Queens with strange jelly bones. The important thing is my crew is safe.

Spocko: Hey! Live long and party, captain. Set a course for ‘Pizza Beach’.

[music playing]

All: [singing] There’s a special kind of beach
where all the cool kids go
order a set of my pizza
welcome to the Pizza Beach

Now, that’s a pizza!

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yes. I know it was a disaster. But it was still better than “Star Trek, 5 the Final Frontier.” Oh, set your phasers to, “Oh snap.” That’s a trekky burn. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson and I’ll see you, this is so exciting, in the future.

Spocko: Now, that’s a Star Trek.

Office Flirty Performance Chris Pine

Liz… Aidy Bryant

Nadeen… Vanessa Bayer

Shelly… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Chris Pine

[Starts with Liz and Nadeen in their office]

Liz: Well, Nadeen, it’s time. I think we need to do it.

Nadeen: You’re right. [presses phone button] Shelly, send him in.

[Shelly walks in with Michael]

Shelly: Have a seat.

Michael: Hi. Um, you wanted to see me? [Shelly walks out]

Liz: Yeah. Michael, good morning. You know Nadeen from HR.

Nadeen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hi. Uh, is everything okay?

Liz: Well, no. There’s obviously something going on that we need to address.

Michael: If this is about me taking too many sick days this month–

Nadeen: No, Michael, but there has been a pattern of behavior that simply can’t continue.

Michael: I’m sorry. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.

[music starts]

Liz: Um, no clue? You’re the one that has been driving us both crazy!

Nadeen: With you flirty hallway looks.

Liz: And the hunky way that your body is.

Michael: What?

Nadeen: So, you need to make a choice. Me or her?

Michael: A choice?

Liz: You’re tearing two friends apart. And I know you’re mine.

Nadeen: Actually, he is mine.

Michael: Excuse me?

Liz: Shut up.

[Liz and Nadeen stand and start dancing]

Liz and Nadeen: [singing] You need to give it up
Had about enough
It’s not hard to see
The boy is mine
I’m sorry that you
Seem to be confused
He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Nadeen: I think it’s time we got this straight
Sit and talk, face to face
There is no way you could mistake
Him for your man, are you insane

Liz: See I know that you may be
Just a bit jealous of me
But you’re blind if you can’t see
That his love is all in me

Michael: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. So, I’m not in trouble?

Liz and Nadeen: No.

Michael: But your fighting over me and now I have to choose whose boy I am?

Liz and Nadeen: Yes.

Michael: And you choreographed your little performance to tell me that?

Liz and Nadeen: Um-hmm.

Liz: So boy, who’s it gonna be? A diabetic mother of two?

Nadeen: Or a childless MILF with an eye for design?

Michael: I’m sorry. Which is which?

[Liz and Nadeen remove their coats]

Nadeen: [singing] I’m sorry that you

Liz: Sorry that you…

Nadeen: Seem to be confused, confused

Liz and Nadeen: He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Liz: Must you do the things you do
You keep on acting like a fool

[Shelly walks in]

Shelly: Hey guys, I’m going on–

Liz: [yelling at Shelly] Oh! Please! You’re fired!

[Shelly runs out]

Michael: Okay. Okay. I don’t– I don’t mean to interrupt but you- you- you ladies never talk to me. And this is the– it’s only the second time I’ve been in this part of the building. So–

Liz: Oh, please, boy.

Nadeen: Don’t play anymore games, boy.

Liz: Boy, just let us do this last part, boy.

Michael: Okay, fine.(Not yours, but mine)

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Michael: Okay! Okay! Okay, okay! Just stop. [music stops] Stop. First of all, this is so inappropriate. Liz, you are the president of the company. And, Nadeen… you read my mind. In fact,

[singing] My mind is telling me no,
but my body, my body is telling me yes

[Michael and Nadeen star dancing. Liz is disappointed.]

Morning Joe

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborougn… Alex Moffat

Mike Barnicle… Bobby Moynihan

Mark Halperin… Beck Bennett

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

[Starts with ‘Morning Joe’ intro] [Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn in their set] [cheers and applause]

Mika Brzezinski: Good Morning.

Joe Scarborougn: How are you doing?

Mika Brzezinski: Good morning. That’s “Rock n’ roll all night” by Kiss.

Joe Scarborougn: Great song.

Mika Brzezinski: If you’re listening to loud classic rock followed by the most casual of political conversations, it must be ‘Morning Joe’.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, guys, they did it. Okay? The house has passed their healthcare plan which might take health insurance away from twentyfour million Americans. Many of them are swing voters in twentyeighteen, if morality doesn’t matter to them, maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: I mean maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe pure politics should?

Mika Brzezinski: I mean, it’s crazy.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika’s over.

Mika Brzezinski: I am. I’m up it. I’m over it. I’m past it. I’m in the driveway. The car is running. This part– this party– your party, republican party is–

Joe Scarborougn: Watch it.

Mika Brzezinski: — is completely morally bankrupt.

Joe Scarborougn: Oh, Mika!

Mika Brzezinski: I’ll just point. No–

Joe Scarborougn: That’s enough. Okay? You’re being sneaky because you know what pushes my button.

Mika Brzezinski: [looking at Joe Scarborougn] Does that? Push your buttons?

Joe Scarborougn: It does. [both looks to the camera] Mike Barnicle, what is going on with this bill?

[Cut to Mike Barnicle. He’s looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock]

Mike Barnicle: Ah, I don’t know what’s going on. This bill– This bill is puzzling.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, Mike. Congress doesn’t even have a CVO score on this. Is this just about– Is this just about getting a win? I mean there’s a lot of people with pre-existing conditions who are probably just furious right now.

Mika Brzezinski: Like, C-section.

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah.

Mika Brzezinski: A C-section is a pre-existing condition. And you know what’s not a pre-existing condition? Erectile dysfunction.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold on.

Mika Brzezinski: And isn’t that–

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, here we go. Mika, you’re being dramatic.

Mika Brzezinski: No, but here’s what I’m being.

Joe Scarborougn: Ay, Mika mouse, Mika mouse, you’re being a little stinker–

Mika Brzezinski: But let me finish.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re being a little stinker.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m not being a stinker.

Joe Scarborougn: Hey! Mika-boo.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn have come very close to each other.]

Mika Brzezinski: Am I being a stinker?

Joe Scarborougn: Yes, you’re being a stinker and it’s not gonna work.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah?

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn are about to kiss, but they pause and look at camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Mark Halperin, the senate can’t be pleased at the house just threw this in their lap. I mean, what is their relationship like now?

[Cut to Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with disgust.]

Mark Halperin: What is their relationship like? Confusing.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Willie Geist, what do you see in here?

[Cut to Willie Geist]

Willie Geist: Um, what am I seeing here? I have no idea. I have so many unanswered questions.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, what about Trump? He hasn’t read the bill.

Mika Brzezinski: I can’t.

Joe Scarborougn: And back during the election–

Mika Brzezinski: I won’t.

Joe Scarborougn: Trump called into our show but he doesn’t do it anymore because he just shut himself off from anyone who can challenge him.

Mika Brzezinski: It’s sad. It’s sad but it’s true. And for some insight into this, we’re gonna talk to a man who says he’s with Trump every single day on the phone. We have a publicist named John Miller live from the Whitehouse.

Joe Scarborougn: Terrific.

Male voice: Hello, Joe, Mica, this is John Miller. [it’s the voice of Donald Trump] I’m sort of a new here.

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, glad to finally hear from you, Mr. Miller.

Male voice: First, I wanna wish everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo which is the day all Mexicans eat a sink full of mayonnaise.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Miller. Do you work in the White House?

Male voice: I do. Yes. I do. I work very hard. So, incredibly hard. Mika, I’m just celebrating the fantastic success we had with congress yesterday. After congress voted, we had a party. There was bill, a disaster that Obamacare has finally been repealed

Joe Scarborougn: Hold on, sir. It’s not repealed yet. The bill still has to pass the senate.

Male voice: What now?

Joe Scarborougn: The bill goes through the senate. They might even re-write the entire thing if they pass it at all.

Male voice: But there was beer.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Mlller, the bill has a long way to go. So, it seems a little premature to celebrate.

Male voice: You know what? We’re going to look into this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay.

Mika Brzezinski: Here’s what I want to say. Don’t stop me.

Joe Scarborougn: Go ahead.

Mika Brzezinski: The president is mentally ill.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold–

Mika Brzezinski: He has entered a state of psychosis.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika! Mika! You’re being naughty. Okay? You’re being very naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, I am being naughty?

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, you’re being real naughty.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn start getting close to each other again]

Mika Brzezinski: Why don’t you stop me?

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe you need some of the punishing for being naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m a bad journalist.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re not a bad journalist. You’re a bad kitty.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow.

[Mika Brzezinski bites Joe Scarborougn’s nose.] [Cut to Mike Barnicle and Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock.] [Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn. They look to the camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Alright. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room.

Mika Brzezinski: Let’s! [inhales heavily]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Chris Pine Monologue

Chris Pine

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pine.

[Chris Pine walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris Pine: Thank you everybody. I am absolutely thrilled to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] I appreciate it. I was here once before actually. I did a walk on during Weekend Update when the first Star Trek movie came out. You know, Lorne was impressed that I did such a good job. I could come back eight years later. As many of you know, I have a movie coming out this weekend. It’s called Guardians of the Galaxy.

[cheers and applause]

See? You see?

[audience laughing]

I knew that was gonna happen. I’m not in Guardians of the Galaxy. That’s Chris Pratt. I am Chris Pine. Look, Leslie knows who I am. Leslie, can you help me out?

[Leslie Jones walks in] [cheers and applause]

Now, Leslie has seen all of my movies. Tell them who I am, Leslie.

Leslie: You Captain America, Chris Evans.

Chris Pine: I’m Chris Pine.

Leslie: Hemsworth.

Chris Pine: No, I’m–

Leslie: Pine! That’s good enough. Come on. [Leslie takes a selfie with Chris Pine] Thank you, Thor.

Chris Pine: No, it’s not- not- not Thor.

[Leslie walks out]

Thank you, Leslie.

Okay, you know what? I’m gonna settle this once and for all right now. Will you bring out the poster I shipped in?

[Someone brings in the poster. There are pictures of Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt and Chris Pine.]

I had a small feeling this might happen. I just want to clear things up for everybody here and at home. Chris Evans, right? Chris Hemsworth. Chris Pratt. [pointing at himself] Chris Pine. Hit it guys.

[music playing] [singing] I’m not that Chris
I look just like him but I’m not that Chris.
not Pratt or Hemsworth, I’m a different guy
not Evans either, look I’ve got my own cool vibe

We’re all white guys but these aren’t the white guys I am
I’m six feet tall and Chris Evans…

Chris Evans is six feet as well.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Chris, oh my god. Hello.

Chris Pine: Kate! Kate!

Kate: Yes!

Chris Pine: You know who I am! Right?

Kate: Yes, of course. You’re Chris Pine, man!

Chris Pine: Yes!

Kate: [looking at the note she has written on her hand] You’re in Star Trek. And um… [peeks at her hand again] Wonder Woman.

Chris Pine: Exactly. I just don’t understand how people confuse us.

Kate: Well, I think– you know what? I think it’s because you’re all named Chris, and you’re all kind of scruffy and squinty and jacked, but in a sweet way.

Chris Pine: Thank you.

Kate: Is this set to “Up town girl”?

Chris Pine: Yes! Yes, it is! [Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon away] [singing] Different Chris
The only one with finger prints like this
you might have have a good eyes
but look real close coz I’m a different guy

[Kate McKinnon walks in again]

Kate: I thought of another way that all the Chris’s are the same.

Chris Pine: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Kate: You’re always at the airport wearing ta raggedy t’s that are tight just around the packs. And you have bracelets with like wooden beads from Bali or wherever.

Chris Pine: I have one but it is from Hawaii. Thank you so much.

[Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon out again] [Pete Davidson bring in a poster with Chris Evans and Chris Pine’s picture.] [singing] Uptown girl

See, Chris Evan’s character is Steve Rogers, right? And in Wonder Woman, I play Steve Trevor. Right? Completely different Steve played different Chris altogether.

Pete: [pointing at Chris Evans] Are you this one?

Chris Pine: Hey! [pointing at his poster] That’s my face, man!

Pete: Nah! I think that’s Ryan Reynolds.

[Pete Davidson walks out with the poster]

Chris Pine: [singing] ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

I’m Chris Pine!

Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aq

I’m Chris Pine!

Hey! Alright! We’ve got a great show. LCD Soundsystem is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.