Tag: Kate McKinnon

Weekend Update- Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve

Colin Jost

Brigitte Bardot…Kate McKinnon

Catherine Deneuve… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Nearly, 100 female activists and actresses in France have signed a letter saying that the #metoo movement has gone too far. Here to explain their controversial views are two legendary French actresses, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve slide in. Brigitte Bardot is holding a cigarette and Catherine Deneuve is holding a glass of wine in their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine Deneuve: Alu-alu-alu.

Brigitte Bardot: Yes!

Catherine Deneuve: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. Don’t be nervous being around two beautiful women. You know, we can still have some fun. We will not discourage you from being a man.

Brigitte Bardot: A man is man. And woman is a woman. If they are not, they are homos.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, Brigitte, come on! No, no, no, no. We were having fun. Let them get to know you first.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, it’s okay.

Catherine Deneuve: Yeah, yeah. She’s 83 years.

Colin Jost: Oh, she’s 83?

Brigitte Bardot: What did you say?

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, I said you are a legend. Brigitte Bardot.

[They kiss each other’s cheeks.]

Great!

Colin Jost: That’s great. Well, it’s an honor to have both of you here. What is your main complaint about the #metoo movement?

Catherine Deneuve: Look, look. [Brigitte Bardot is staring at something away] It’s important in France to question, to debate. To challenge popular opinion. For me, I just– I don’t want romance to die. But, if I went to far, hurting a woman, that was absolutely not my intention. You understand?

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah, of course.

Brigitte Bardot: And me, I stand by everything I have said. And I will double down. Free Harvey Weinstein!

Catherine Deneuve: Oh!

Brigitte Bardot: This is a real man.

Catherine Deneuve: No, no, no, no. Come on. That’s not what this is. No, no, no. Look, look. I think what we both think, it’s women have a beautiful body, yeah? Men have a beautiful body. Why can’t we have the freedom to explore and enjoy? What is more French than that? You know?

Colin Jost: Okay.

Brigitte Bardot: Why does a woman have breasts? This is for a man to grab and pull. “Come with me. Come with me.”

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, no.

Brigitte Bardot: A door has a knob. A woman has two knobs.

Catherine Deneuve: It’s not. No. Oh! This woman. You know, I’m beginning to think i should not have aligned myself with her. Ah! You know, what can I say? I’m impulsive. I could kiss you now, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh! No, we can’t. We’re on the news.

Catherine Deneuve: Well.

Brigitte Bardot: Well, he is homo. I told you.

Catherine Deneuve: Brigitte, come on!

Brigitte Bardot: No! No! You know, I love homo. My only friends are you and birds and homo.

Catherine Deneuve: Come on, baby. So many of the things. This woman says a problematic. Brigitte! We are here to explain opposition. You remember?

Brigitte Bardot: I remember.

Catherine Deneuve: We talked about this.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, yeah, we are woke.

Catherine Deneuve: Yes.

Colin Jost: Right. And you guys do think that women are equal to men, right?

Catherine Deneuve: Yes, yes, yes. Women want to be equal to men, yes. But, we also want to be desire.

Brigitte Bardot: Give the female cat.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, boy. Come on.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream because she wants to be dead.

Catherine Deneuve: I told her don’t say this, man.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream! [making cat noises]

Catherine Deneuve: But she’s gonna do it.

Brigitte Bardot: And then when she is attacked, she scream even more. [making cat noise]

Catherine Deneuve: Okay. Okay. So, I think we have– we cleared it up, huh? No? So? we are both French. Brigitte is very old and very wrong. Yup!

Brigitte Bardot: You are freaking old too, bitch!

Catherine Deneuve: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, the great Brigitte.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve kiss each other’s cheeks]

Colin Jost: I was gonna say it. Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards Orange Carpet

Dexter Hill… Mikey Day

Allie Jackson… Natalie Portman

Dylan Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Ellen DeGeneres… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Kids’ Choice Awards” 2018 video bumper]

Female voice: Kids rock.

[Cut to Dexter and Allie in the show set]

Dexter: Whoo! I’m Dexter, here with Allie. I’m on the orange carpet for the “Kids’ Choice Awards” pre show. If you’re just joining us, here’s what you missed.

[Cut to Dexter in front of a group of kids]

Dexter: Hey, let’s see if we can break the screamo meter. Ready, guys?

[The kids and Dexter are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the middle of the scale.]

[Cut to Allie in front of a group of kids]

Allie: We can beat that, right buys?

[The kids and Allie are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the maximum of the scale.]

[Cut to Dexter and Allie]

Dexter: Oh, man! What a blast. [to kids] You guys having fun or what?

Kids: Yes!

Dexter: I think they are. What about you? You having fun, Allie?

Allie: [Allie has lost her voice because she screamed so much] Oh, yeah. Maybe a little too much. And you might be able to tell, I’ve lost my voice coz all the screaming I did in the last hour.

Dexter: Okay. If you can’t hear her, um, Allie has fully lost her voice.

Allie: My voice may be gone but this party is just getting started, right guys?

[the kids are silent]

Yeah, well, our countdown to the loudest, craziest [inaudible] right here [inaudible] I’m having slime of my life.

Dexter: The slime? Oh! You’re having the slime of your life. Okay. Yeah. Me too, Allie. [funny buzzer] Oh-oh! You know what that means. It’s time for a Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Dexter and Allie and it looks funny. Dexter is shouting at the camera but Allie can’t.]

Allie: Oh, that didn’t work. Kindly, I’d like to [inaudible]

Dexter: Alright. Well, Al tries to flag down some tea with honey in it. Um, let’s check in with our backstage correspondent and start Nickelodeon’s Dylan’s rules for surviving 7th grade. Dylan Maxwell, nominated tonight for coolest face. Dyl, what’s the scoop from the inside, brother?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Dex, Allie, I’m here with the real stars of the show. The coveted Nickelodeon Blimps that will be handed out to the winners. Hey, you think they’ll notice if I took one? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to split screen with Dexter, Allie and Dylan. Allie is drinking tea.]

Dexter: Ha-ha-ha. Somebody get security over there.

Allie: [still in lost voice] Hey, Dyl, [inaudible]

Dylan: What?

Allie: [inaudible]

Dylan: I’m sorry. What?

Allie: Wait. Maybe I can talk on the inhale.

Dexter: Oh. She’s gonna talk on the inhale.

Allie: [talking while inhaling] Dyl, are the awards heavy?

Dylan: I’m sorry. One last time. what?

Allie: [talking while inhaling] I was just wondering–

Dexter: [interrupting] Let’s not do that anymore. Super weird. Thanks Dylan. We’ll check back in with you later, my man. And Al, I think I see one of your producers flagging you down. So, why don’t you go see what’s up with that? While we see [slowly moving away from Allie] if I can talk to the one and only miss Ellen DeGeneres. [Dexter walks to Ellen] She’s already dancing. [cheers and applause] She’s already dancing. Ellen, hi. How are you?

Ellen: Well, I wish I had an outfit that went better with orange.

Dexter: Oh-oh! Ellen, you’re up for ‘Favorite Funny Lesbian’ tonight. Are you excited?

Ellen: Yeah. And um, I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Favorite Funny Person.’ Not specifically ‘Lesbian.’

Dexter: Okay. I’m so sorry about that.

Ellen: But I’m still getting a slime out of my hair from last year. So, keep your eyes peeled for a shower cow.

Dexter: Oh-oh!

[Allie runs in.]

Allie: [in devil voice] Ellen, hi.

Ellen: Jesus Christ!

Allie: I lost my voice. So, the producers gave me this vocalizer. [Dexter walks out] What award are you presenting tonight?

Ellen: I’m sorry I said Jesus Christ. I was startled by your voice. But I’m presenting ‘Meanest TV Teacher’. [funny buzzer]

Allie: Oh-oh! Time for Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Ellen and Allie and it looks funny. Allie is shouting at the camera. Ellen walks out.]

[Dexter walks in]

Dexter: Alright. That was absolutely terrifying. I think Ellen has to get inside. I’m also hearing that the producers are asking you ahead and lose that vocalizer as it’s scaring the kids.

Allie: [running towards the kids] [in devil voice] Maybe they are afraid of being slimed?

[The kids are terrified and running and hiding.]

Dexter: Alright. No, it’s definitely the voice thing. So, please lose it immediately. Um, remember, online voting is still open. You can still vote for rewards like, ‘Best Actor in Jumanji movie’. My money’s on the Rock. Right, Allie?

[Allie is with Chris who fixing an injection for her voice. He is smiling at the camera.]

Okay, [walking away from them] over here, Allies about to get a steroid injection in her throat which is really weird. That’s something no one wants to see. So come over here. Yes. Okay. We’re gonna take a quick break, but keep it here for more action from the orange carpet at the 2018 Kids’ Choice Awards.

Allie: [lost voice] Only on– it didn’t work. [uses her vocalizer] [devil voice] Only on Nickel–

Dexter: Yeah. Don’t use that ever again.

[The End]

Natalie Portman Announcer Monologue

Natalie Portman

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natalie Portman.

[Natalie Portman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Natalie Portman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so crazy to be back. The last time I hosted, it was in 2006. Back then, I was promoting “V for Vendetta.” And now, the whole country is promoting “V for Vendetta.” And this is the last SNL before the Winter Olympic starts next week. Isn’t that exciting? [cheers and applause] Because NBC sure keeps telling me that it’s exciting.

[Winter Olympics jingle plays. There’s a small commercial ad at left bottom corner of the screen.]

Alright. Very shuttle, guys.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon in their Winter Olympics reporter’s set. They’re talking about Natalie Portman’s monologue like it’s a sport.]

Kenan Thompson: Okay. And Natalie has just completed the short program of her monologue.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right, Kenan. She started off with a charming intro and then transitioned into a light political joke.

Kenan Thompson: That’s a tough combination to pull off, but she had done it marvelously.

Kate McKinnon: She sure has. And I- I’ve seen a lot of hosts who could not.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeah? Like, who?

Kate McKinnon: I’d rather not say. Let’s see what Natalie has in store next.

[Cut to Natalie Portman in SNL stage]

Natalie Portman: So, I’m a mom now. And my six year old son actually wrote a joke for my monologue. So, okay, here it is. What’s the funniest letter in the alphabet? It’s P. Get it? Pee? You know what? It might be funnier he said it.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Ooh! A little stumble there.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. That was– that was supposed to be a double joke joke into a triple applause break. I wonder what happened. I’m being told that joke was actually written by a 32 year old writer who went to Yale. Yes. Yes.

Kenan Thompson: Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. She is acting like she’s in a slow motion video.]

Natalie Portman: It’s P. Get it?

Kate McKinnon: Okay, pause it right there.

[Natalie Portman stops moving.]

Yeah. You can tell that she’s very nervous about this one, Kenan. Lot of flop sweats here [circling her forehead] and here.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. And let’s go ahead and check out band leader Lenny Pickett reacting to that joke.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett in the band]

Lenny: Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. He is not into it at all.

Kate McKinnon: No, he is not. And Lenny’s usually a big laugher.

Kenan Thompson: And now, he’s just visibly swiping through Tinder.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett. He is swiping rights on his phone.]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Ooh. Yeah. Completely checked out, Kenan. Well, we go now to our field correspondent, Leslie Jones, who is heading to the Olympics next week and she is standing by the stage right now.

[Cut to Leslie Jones standing by the stage, reporting to them]

Leslie Jones: Thank you. I’m down here at the monologue stage, and well, it’s not good. [Natalie Portman is peeking at the camera from behind] I don’t know why they make these tiny white actresses do standup comedy?

Natalie Portman: Leslie, you’re kind of blocking me.

[Leslie Jones looks behind.]

Leslie Jones: Hey, girl. You are killing it right now. [looks back at the camera] She is not killing it. Also, speaking of me going to the Olympics, did you know that North Korea is really close to South Korea? Um, why did no one explain that to me? I do not want to go now.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And thank you, Leslie Jones. [cheers and applause] Okay. We go back live to Natalie Portman who is ready for her big finish.

[Cut to Natalie Portman]

Natalie Portman: And I have to ask you guys something. Does anyone here like New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And she has landed it.

Kate McKinnon: She mentioned New York City and people were like, “Hey, that’s where we are!”

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. An incredible comeback for Portman.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. Leslie Jones is jumping around her with a rose bouquet in her hands.]

Leslie Jones: Haa-haa! I believed in you, girl. You are the real Tonya Harding, baby! Yes! Whooo!

Natalie Portman: We’ve got a great show. Dua Lipa’s here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

First Lady

Melissa Villaseñor

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Jackie Kennedy… Natalia Portman

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Martha Washington… Aidy Bryant

Michelle Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Melissa calling Melania Trump in the White House during the night of the State of the Union]

Melissa: Excuse me, Mrs. Trump. The president’s motorcade is ready to take you to the State of the Union. Are you coming?

Melania Trump: Ah! Tell them I’ll take the next car. [Melissa leaves] Oh! How will I ever get through this State of Union? Oh, come on, Melania. Practice your happy face. [Melania Trump smiles] Oh! I don’t belong as first lady. [There is still Michelle Obama’s picture on the wall] I wish I could talk to someone who has been through this whole mess before.

[smoke appears. Jackie Kennedy walks out of the smoke]

Jackie Kennedy: Hello, Melania. It’s me, Jackie Kennedy.

Melania Trump: Oh! Jackie O’s?

Jackie Kennedy: I’ve come to you in your hour of need because I know how very tiring being a first lady can be.

Melania Trump: Yes. Thank you, Jackie O’s. But tell me, how can I be good first lady when Donald make it so hard?

Jackie Kennedy: All first ladies have a platform. Your’s is bullying. Mine was little hats. Your approval ratings is through the rough.

Melania Trump: Yes. Yes. People like me because they’re like, “That lady look how I feel.”

Jackie Kennedy: You’re not the only first lady whose husband had affairs. Jack cheated on me with Marilyn Monroe.

Melania Trump: Oh, please! She was in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Donald’s girl was in “Guys Like It Shaved.” Oh, Jackie O’s, no first lady has ever been more humiliated than me.

[The bookshelf behind Melania Trump turns around. Smoke appears. Hillary Clinton comes out of the smoke.]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.

Melania Trump: Hillary Clinton? Oh! The world knew all your secrets. How did you survive being first lady?

Hillary Clinton: Well, you just tell yourself it’ll all be worth it when you’re president. Ha-ha-ha.

Melania Trump: But you lost.

Hillary Clinton: I know. I was there. But you know, I see you’re wearing white to the State of the Union. Is that a subtle nod to the suffer jets or times up?

Melania Trump: No. It’s just co-inky-dink. [Melania Trump winks at the camera]

Hillary Clinton: Look, Melania, I feel your pain. But you married him. Like America, you had a choice. So, don’t choose to eat 7-Eleven sushi and then come to me saying, “Oh-oh! Something’s wrong.”

[smoke appears outside of the window where Martha Washington is standing]

Martha Washington: Greetings first ladies. It is I, Martha Washington.

Jackie Kennedy: Martha? You materialized in the garden.

Martha Washington: Oh! Bees and bonnets. Give me one second.

[Martha Washington breaks the window with an exe and comes in through.]

Okay. Girls, what’s shaking?

Melania Trump: Oh! Martha! I can’t do this tonight, you know? Maybe I don’t go to speech.

Martha Washington: Oh, Melania. You have to. Your job is to be your husband’s confidant.

Melania Trump: Ivanka does that.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, to host foreign dignitaries.

Melania Trump: No, that’s Ivanka. Yeah.

Martha Washington: To be the beautiful woman on his arm.

Melania Trump: Yeah, that’s Ivanka’s territory.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, fine. Maybe being first lady just means being with someone you don’t really like who doesn’t treat you very well.

[Michelle Obama walks out of the photo]

Michelle Obama: Speak for yourself, Martha!

Melania Trump: Michelle Obama? I can’t believe. You come to give me advice?

Michelle Obama: Me neither. But look, Barack and I have a perfect relationship. It’s like “The Notebook”, but black and rich.

Hillary Clinton: That’s right Michelle, but it’s not helpful.

Michelle Obama: Whatever. My arms rule. I love vegetables and I can be president whenever I want.

Martha Washington: Well, we are all with you, Melania.

Jackie Kennedy: Now, get out there and do what first ladies have always done. Stand there and clap.

Melania Trump: Okay. But, sometimes I’m going to sit down and not clap.

All: Woo-hoo! Yes.

Melania Trump: Okay. I go. Goodnight, ghosts.

[Melania Trump walks out]

Hillary Clinton: Alright, ladies. What now? Should we steal some stuff?

Michelle Obama: Definitely!

Martha Washington: Oh, yeah.

[The End]

Reality Stars

Bart… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Tina… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Will Farrell

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]

Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?

Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.

Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.

Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.

Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.

[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]

Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.

Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.

Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.

[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]

Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.

[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]

Bart: Oh, you meant that.

Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my  .

Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.

Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.

Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?

Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.

Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.

Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.

Kate: Oh, wow.

Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.

Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?

Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.

Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.

Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.

Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.

Cecily and Will: Aww.

Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?

Cecily and Will: No.

Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.

Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.

Will: So grounded.

Cecily: Being back here, right?

Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?

Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?

Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?

Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.

Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.

Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.

[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]

Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action!

[Kate and Tina sit down.]

Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.

Tina: What?

Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.

Tina: Excuse me?

Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.

Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.

Will: Yeah, Tina.

Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.

Will: Exactly, Tina.

Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.

Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.

Mikey: What is happening?

Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.

Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?

Tina: I didn’t know.

Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.

Mikey: It’s chicken.

Will: Bart, what is this?

Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.

Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.

Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.

Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.

Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.

Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?

Will: Oh, yes, please.

Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?

Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.

Dinner Discussion

Will Farrell

Kate McKinnon

Tom… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with few friends having dinner]

Will: No, I’m telling you. This dog eats anything.

Kate: He ate steel wool.

Will: And then he pooped silver for three days.

[laughing]

Tom: That’s insane.

Kate: It’s our life.

[laughing]

Aidy: You know, what’s insane are these roasted carrots. They are so good.

Will: Oh, everything here is good. The New York Times restaurant review raved about this place.

Heidi: You know, speaking of The Times, did any of you guys read that up-ed piece about–

Tom: Honey, no.

Aidy: What? What article are you talking about?

Heidi: The one about Aziz Ansari?

[The lights shut off. Everybody looks scared.]

I’m sorry. We can talk about something else. I was just curious what everyone thought. But–

Will: No. No. Of course. We can, uh– We can talk about it.

Kate: Yeah.

Will: Yeah. I mean, I think we should.

Kenan: We absolutely should.

Kate: Well, it’s come to this. I’ll go first.

Will: [holding Kate’s hand] Are you sure you wanna do this?

Kate: Yes. Yes. I will speak on the topic of [soft voice] Aziz Ansari. I think…

Will: Careful.

Kate: Yes. I- I think that some women…

Aidy: Careful.

Kate: Um, rather, um, some men have a proclivity…

Kenan: Careful.

Kate: Help me.

Kenan: Okay. Sure. Um, well, while I applaud the movement…

Heidi: Watch it.

Kenan: Noted. It’s just that I wonder if maybe we’re setting it back?

Kate: Argh! Careful.

Aidy: Okay. Ah- ah- I feel that powerful men almost always abuse– nope!

Tom: Okay. Um, look. The thing that I keep going back to is it seems like if she wanted to leave…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: She could have just…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: Left.

[The lights turn off again. Will puts his face on his food. Kenan stabs his hand with knife. Aidy cops her hair off. Kate covers her face with curtains. Heidi does black magic and disappears.]

Aidy: Everyone, stop. We can talk about this. We are adults.

Will: Can’t we just go back to the dog? We were happy when we were talking about the dog.

Kate: Honey, the time for talking about the dog is over. We are in a post babe.net universe now and we have to finish what we started. Tom, go.

Tom: Fine. Okay, fine. The #metoo movement– pass.

Will: Okay. Consent. Pass. Dammit!

Kate: Okay. Um, if I were with a woman and she seemed at all uneasy, I would just slow my roles– [takes a bread] are good!

Kenan: Okay. What I think we’re forgetting —

Will: Oh, no.

Kenan: Is the way that this intersects with the issue of–

Will: Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Kenan: Race. [covers his mouth]

All: Nooo!

[different video clips showing the destruction plays]

Will: I can’t do this anymore. We have to talk about something else.

All: Yes. Thank you.

Kenan: Yes. Something less controversial.

Kate: Okay. Shape of Water had problems, right?

[They all get confused again]

Tom: Hey, where’s my wife?

Chucky Lee Byrd

Glen…Beck Bennett

Johanne… Kate McKinnon

Chucky… Will Farrell

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement.

[Cut to Glen and Johanne in their set]

Glen: Who can forget the 1950s?

Johanne: Soda shops. Hula-hoops. Drive in movies.

Glen: Jim Crow. Drag racing. And of course the birth of rock n’ roll music. Right Johanne?

Johanne: That’s right, Glen. And if you’re gonna talk about rock n’ roll, you gotta talk about the incomparable Chucky Lee Byrd.

Glen: That’s right. We are proud to bring you for the first time anywhere, this five discs box set from the poet of teen love himself. Chucky Lee Byrd.

Johanne: Now, you can relive that glorious time in music with this rare compilation.

Glen: We promise, you can’t find these jams anywhere else.

Johanne: It’s like, “Beauty Queen.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video]

[music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She’s my little beauty queen
And she’s only 17
but she’s my beautiful
beautiful beauty queen

Glen: And the “Candy Baby.”

Chucky: She’s my candy baby,
she’s my candy baby,

and she’s sugar sweet and clean
what should I get her for her sweet 16
whooo

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Johanne: Huh?

Glen: You said it, Johanne. This collection will bring you back to a simpler time in music. A time of innocence, purity.

Johanne: Right. Timeless classics like, “Farmer Girl.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video]

[music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She grows corn, she grows bean
my daddy hates me coz she’s only 14
14, 14, 14, that’s her age
she’s 14

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Glen: And who could forget about Chucky’s classic ode to muscle car.

Johanne: Okay, cars. Thank god.

Glen: “My new T-Bird.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video]

[music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She purrs so fine, she’s fresh off the line
I wanna make her mine, and this song’s about a girl who’s 13, 13
Okay, she’s 12

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Johanne: Okay. That’s insane.

Glen: You bet it’s insane. Never before have all these hits been compiled and rereleased on one collection until now.

Johanne: No, Glen. I mean the songs. The songs are insane. They’re all about loving teenage girls.

Glen: Well, they don’t call him ‘the poet of teen love’ for nothing, Johanne.

Johanne: Okay. But doesn’t he seem pretty old?

Glen: He is old, Johanne. It’s vintage footage. And folks, if you call right now, we will give you a special bonus disc with some of Chucky’s classic B sides like,  [Cut to old black and white music video with a list of songs.] “Cruising in my windowless van.”

Johanne: “Girl Scout Cookie.”

Glen: “I Left My Heart Across State Lines.”

Johanne: “Simple Girl From Across The Street.”

Glen: “Our Love Is A Crime.” Oh, I see what you’re saying now.

Johanne: “First Day Of School… Ever!”

Glen: “Baby You Can Drive My Car If I’m In The Passenger Seat Because You Only Have A Permit.”

Johanne: “One And One Equals Eleven.” Jesus! Cut back to us now, please. Hah! So, obviously this guy is a pervert and we have to stop the commercial.

Glen: Well, I can’t just bail on him, Johanne. He’s still my grandpa.

Johanne: This is your grandfather? Have you not listened to the songs?

Glen: I mean I just thought it was a different time back then. It was the 80’s.

Johanne: He made these songs in the 1980s? Who makes 50’s rock n’ roll in the 1980s?

Glen: Uh, Billy Joel. Ever heard of him?

Johanne: Yeah. But Billy Joel didn’t make paedophile anthem.

Glen: [yelling] But he’s my grandpa, Johanne.

Female voice: Order Chucky Lee Byrd’s poet of teen love compilation box set today.

Chucky: Call now!

What Even Matters Anymore

Veronica Elders… Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with show’s intro]

Male voice: And now, it’s time to play “What Even Matters Anymore.” With your host, Veronica Elders

[Host walks in to the stage]

Host: Hello, folks. Welcome to “What Even Matters Anymore.” The show where I tell you something our president did or said and you have to tell me does it even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants

Contestants: Hi.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Great. First question. The president of the United States refers to African countries as Poo-poo holes. And says all Hasians have AIDS. Does it even matter anymore?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Um, that’s really bad. That has to matter. Yes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Umm, actually, it does not matter. Zero consequences and everyone just moves on. Next, the president has an extra marital affair with a pornstar right after his wife gives birth to his son. Then he pays the pornstar to shut up. Does it even matter to say he’s evangélico base?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, to evangélicos, of course it matters. It’s against everything that they stand for.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so, but no. They say he’s just repented and they forgive him. And Mike Pence is like, “That’s my dude.” Next, the president fires Robert Mueller, the very man investigating him for treason. Does it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: What? He hasn’t done that yet.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Yeah, but you know, he’s gonna. So, when he does, will it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: I’m gonna say yes, that would matter. That’s a clear line that he’d be crossing.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ooh! So, close. You were right that it would cross a line. But you were wrong to think that it would matter in the least. Republicans will just shake and mumble something about Hillary’s emails.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. But they have a conscience.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Judges, do they have a conscience?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, we checked and they don’t.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: I’m sorry. Is this still part of the game?

[Cut to the host]

Host: It doesn’t even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Are there like, points?

[Cut to the host]

Host: Next question. The president builds a wall but hires illegal immigrants to build it and he accidentally puts an unlocked door every 10 feet. Would that matter?

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Okay, I’m sensing a pattern here. So, I’m just gonna say it would not matter.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to the host. She looks shocked.]

Host: You’re absolutely right, Greg.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: It’s Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think Trump supporters would get mad. But then Trump blurs out, “Chuck Schumer did it,” and everyone believes him. They just believe him.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: But you know that’s not gonna happen, right?

[Cut to the host]

Host: [yelling frustrated] Does it even matter anymore? Fake news. Fake news.

[Cut to 4]

4: Are you okay?

[Cut to the host. She looks frustrated.]

Host: I’m great. Okay. You know what? On our final round, you guys just write down what you think would matter. What do you think would actually lead to any kind of consequences? 10 seconds on the clock. And while you’re writing, I’m just gonna drink.

[Host starts drinking wine off the bottle.]

Alright, what do you guys got?

[Cut to 4]

4: I wrote, “Trump punches pope.” I think that would be like really bad.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Argh. You think so? But a lot of people still hate Catholics. Next?

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Okay, I wrote, “Cancels Olympics because flags are gay.”

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ha-ha-ha. Are you kidding me? He’s his ratings will jump five points. Next.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, I wrote, “Sex tape with Don Jr.” I mean, that would check like, a lot of boxes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so? But FOX News would just report it as “He’s a family man.” Because nothing truly matters. None of it matters.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica?

[Cut to the host, very frustrated.]

Host: It’s Veronica. Veronica Elders.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica, you don’t have to do this.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Yeah. Jessica, we know you’re upset about the way our country’s going but you can’t just like, build a whole game show set and make us pretend to be contestants.

Male Contestant: Even though some of us relish the opportunity to become Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: I’m sorry, guys. It just seems like, nothing matters anymore.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Yeah, we got that from the name of the show and how you keep saying it over and over. But, it’s gonna be okay, Jessica.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. There’s another election in 2018 and democrats have a chance of taking back– oh my god! You’re right. You know what? It doesn’t matter. [Cut to all. 4 is walking away looking frustrated] How does it not matter?

Male Contestant: Ay! At least the stock market is up.

Kate: [yelling] Out! Kenan, you go! Now!

Male Contestant: Alright, well, Kenan will leave, but Bernard will stay.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Well, thanks for watching. As always, the host of tonight’s show gets a hug. Because she really needs it.

[Cut to Kate and Male Contestant]

Kate: Are we supposed to hug you now? Or–?

Host: Yes.

[Kate and Male Contestant walk to the host and hug her.]

Male voice: Thanks for watching “What Even Matters Anymore?” Contestants on the show stay at… oh, oh! Trump Tower. That’s not good. And tonight’s show is sponsored by, “Little Ball.” When you can’t take the news anymore, just crawl up into a little ball and rock yourself to sleep. Goodnight!

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jessica Chastain Monologue

Jessica Chastain

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Chastain.

[Jessica Chastain walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jessica Chastain: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody, so much. Whoo! It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Whoo! This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. But I never get to do stuff like this because I’m always cast as a strong powerful woman. I usually say lines like, “Take the shot, dammit!” When am I gonna get to play a naggy girlfriend and say something like, “David!”

But I’m really excited to be here, especially today because this weekend is the one year anniversary of the women’s march. [cheers and applause] Yeap! And everyone knows women never forget an anniversary. So, today, hundreds of thousands of people were out there for the cause and they are so, so brave because it’s the worst flu season ever. God bless them.

I wish I could have been there, march alongside them.

[Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon walk in]

Cecily: Hey, we’ll march with you, Jessica.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I’m always wearing practical footwear.

Jessica Chastain: Girls, let’s tell them what’s up.

[music playing]

Girls: [singing] You don’t own me
don’t try to change me in anyway
you don’t own me
don’t try me down coz I never stay

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the audience. She is wearing a pink hat and has made few audiences wear them too.]

Aidy: I got us all P hats. I can’t say the real word coz it’s just one of those many words that only president can use.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: You mean pussy hat?

Aidy: Yes, Leslie.

[Leslie takes one hat and leaves]

[Cut to the stage]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say
and please when I go out with you
don’t put me on display.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk in]

Beck: Hey, guys. We wanna match too.

Pete: Yeah. We love women.

Beck: Don’t say it like that.

Jessica Chastain: That’s so sweet. Thank you for being allies.

Beck: Yeah, totally. Because I believe it’s the man’s role in this situation to just listen. I think that–

Kate: Beck?

Beck: Yeah. Sorry. You don’t need us.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk out]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say

[Heidi Gardner walks in with a slogan board “Nevertheless She Persisted!”]

Heidi: Whoo! Yay! Women’s march!

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa, why are you still dressed up?

Melissa: Look, I’m a proud feminist, but I’m still trying to catch a husband.

[Heidi Gardner and Melissa Villaseñor walk out.]

Jessica Chastain: Ladies, we were strong last year and we’ll be even stronger this year. So, let’s do this, damit!

Girls: [singing] I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
I’ll live my life the way that I want
to say I do whatever I be

Jessica Chastain: We got a great show for you tonight. Troye Sivan is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.