Tag: Kate McKinnon

Weekend Update Betsy DeVos

Colin Jost

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was under fire this week after a disastrous 60 minute interview. Here to clarify her points is Betsy DeVos.

[Betsy DeVos slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Thank you. Hello, the audience. Hello, the man.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah, well, thank you so much for coming. So, Betsy, what happened with that interview?

Betsy DeVos: Well, I think the problem is that the words that were coming out of my mouth were bad. And that is because they came from my brain.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, tonight, we can give you another chance. Like, what are your thoughts about public schools versus charter schools?

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, I don’t like to think of things in terms of school. That it should be up to the states. In Wyoming, for example, which has many potential grizzlies, there should be a school for bears. And in Louisiana, crocodile crossing guards. And in North Carolina, stop being trans and that’s what’s best for them.

Colin Jost: Okay. You might now be the most protested member of Trump’s cabinet. Why do you think that is?

Betsy DeVos: You know, I think it’s because I do not do a good job. And I can’t because I don’t know how.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, that’s– yeah. Well, recently people have also been criticizing your position on guns in school.

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, and again I think that the states should choose how they protect their schools based on their circumstances. For example, if two home alone style bandits want to rob a school, that school should have the option of red hot doorknobs or a paint can that swings down a staircase. You know, that’s good school’s good choice. So, whatever they choose, we are working hard to ensure that all schools are safe learning environments for guns.

Colin Jost: Can I just ask you something? Do you like your job?

Betsy DeVos: No, I do not. I do spend most of it getting screamed at while climbing into an escalate. But I do like visiting good school and doing worksheets with cute little blacks and the occasional stinky poor white.

Colin Jost: Stinky poor white

Betsy DeVos: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Secretary DeVos, do you really want to say that on TV?

Betsy DeVos: Oh! I did a fudge. Oh! Look, I may not be very good on camera. But behind the scenes, my ideas are much worse.

Colin Jost: Betsy DeVos, everyone.

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face]

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail]

[Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.

Anderson Cooper White House Turmoil Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Michael Wolf… Fred Armisen

Anthony Scaramucci… Bill Hader

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper and if you ever wondered what’s whiter than St. Patrick’s day, you’re looking at it. Tonight, a White House making big moves. FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe was out, fired late on Friday, a day before he was able to receive his pension. Here to explain is the man who had to do the firing, attorney general Jeff Sessions.

[Cut to split screen with Anderson Cooper and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Look at me. I still got a job.

Anderson Cooper: Sir, can you give us the exact reason McCabe was fired?

Jeff Sessions: Well, yes. Of course. Mr. McCabe was in clear violation because of his lack of candor– what– I don’t know. I can’t even dance around. Trump made me do it. McCabe saw too much. You know?

Anderson Cooper: Okay. So, this was not your decision?

Jeff Sessions: Look, I’m always down to clown but this was sneaky even for me. I’m just a simple man who wanted to make things bad for immigrants. And now, here I am taking away the pension of a Christian white. It ain’t right.

Anderson Cooper: Well, there are rumors that you might be the next to go.

Jeff Sessions: Well, frankly, I can’t believe I lasted this long. I’m like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and I drink water like this. [making face] But look, y’all need me right now coz if I get fired, it’s gonna launch Robert Mueller right into space. But if I do go, don’t worry. I’m still going to weak havoc. Like Taraji P. Henson said, I can do bad all by myself.

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, Mr. Sessions. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] This week has brought several high profile firing from the Trump administration including secretary of state, Rex Tillerson who joins me now.

[Rex Tillerson is sitting beside Anderson Cooper]

Rex Tillerson: How are you doing? [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Quite well, sir. Quite well. Now, the way it went down must have been a little embarrassing for you but you’ve been pretty gracious about your exit.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. It just wasn’t a good fit. But, these things happen.

Anderson Cooper: Now, it was widely reported that you were fired by a tweet from the president.

Rex Tillerson: Well, that’s not true. John Kelly called me personally. He said, “Where are you?” I said, “Sir, that’s private.” He said, “Oh, good. Are you in the toilet? Coz I got some news.”

Anderson Cooper: Are you okay?

Rex Tillerson: I’m– I’m fine. [Rex Tillerson drinks a lot of water] It’s just crazy how one day you’re the CEO of Exxon,  a $50 billion company, and the next day you get fired by a man who used to sell steaks in the mail.

[Rex Tillerson crushes the class he was holding.]

Anderson Cooper: Rex Tillerson is obviously still processing this. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] Joining me now are two people who have a first hand knowledge of White House dysfunction. Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf and Trump’s Communications Director for eleven days, Anthony Scaramucci.

[Cut to Michael Wolf and Anthony Scaramucci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Scaramucci: How you doing? Hello, it’s me the mooch! Like these threads? It’s for suit made by the Olive garden. Oh!

[Cut to all]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Scramucci, it’s been a while. What have you been up to lately?

Anthony Scaramucci: Lately? What was I up to before? Nobody knows. The fidget spinner. The Trump White House. I made a big splash. Then one day, everybody was like, “Whoa! What the hell was that about?” Speaking of fading away, Rexi, I’m really sorry about what happened. You and I, we’re kind of the same now.

Rex Tillerson: Ha-ha-ha-ha. No.

Anthony Scaramucci: Still, Rexi, it was a big shock.

Michael Wolf: Oh, please! I knew months ago.

Anderson Cooper: Now Mr. Wolf, you saw the dysfunction of the White House up close. Is it as bad as they say?

Michael Wolf: Oh, it’s worse. Much worse. people don’t know this but Trump would line up his staff and use a laser pointer and circle their love handles everyday.

Anderson Cooper: Wow! Is that really true?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Gentlemen, any insights into–

Rex Tillerson: [yelling] Trump is a moron! Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. I just blurted that one out. Whoo! Feels nice to say what I want. Call Jurassic Park coz Rexi is loose.

Anderson Cooper: Yeah. Well, that was very startling. Now, any insight into who’s next to go?

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah. Jared Kushner is toast, baby. Look, you didn’t hear this from me but the guy is in debt up to his cajones. The Russians, the Saudis, Tommy Toupee down at the Aqueduct. Hold on, you’re not recording this, right?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. We’re on live TV.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, Anthony, you stepped in it again. Mabagagoli!

Anderson Cooper: And now that McCabe is out, any insight into who Trump will pick to run the FBI?

Michael Wolf: Right. Well, my sources tell me the job is down to two candidates. Milwaukee sheriff David Clark or the president’s favorite TV detective, Monk.

Anderson Cooper: Are you sure about that?

Michael Wolf: Oh, come on. It sounds right. Doesn’t it?

Anderson Cooper: I suppose.

Michael Wolf: Okay, well, I don’t know. Shut up? It’s all in my new book.

Anderson Cooper: Wait. Hold on. You’re writing another book about the White House? Yeah. And this one’s gonna blow your mind. Now, I’m not in the White House anymore but I have a new source that tells me everything.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about this guy. What a rat. Completely off the record, it’s me. Wait, is this being recorded?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. Yes. We’re still on live television.

Anthony Scaramucci: Yei-ga-sheba-gola-gaba-gaga-garli! [to Michael Wolf] You’re not going to mention me by name, right?

Michael Wolf: Of course, I am.

Anthony Scaramucci: You’re gonna make me look good, right?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anthony Scaramucci: I love this guy. I love. [Anthony Scaramucci starts kissing Michael Wolf’s forehead]

Anderson Cooper: Alright. Now let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll have the first returns from the Russian election.

Rex Tillerson: Putin won. Just a hunch.

Anderson Cooper: We’re gonna take a quick break. But first…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

This Is U.S.

Ben Carson… Sterling K. Brown

Heidi Gardner.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Jared Kushner… Pete Davidson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[starts with message video]

Male voice: Millions of Americans have tuned into the show that’s captivating a nation.

[Cut to Ben Carson reading in his desk. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Dr. Ben Carson, what’s wrong?

Ben Carson: All of it. All of it is wrong.

Male voice: A drama so unnerving, you can’t look away.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders on press confereince]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: This whole thing with the president having sex with a pornstar, it just didn’t happen. [There’s a sticky note on the podium with “Stop lying Sarah” written on it. Sarah Huckabee Sanders sees it. She tears it out. Underneath, there’s another sticky note with “Seriously, what are you doing?” written on it.]

Male voice: The number one drama in America.

[Cut to Jared Kushner. His room if full of empty liquor bottles. He has a bottle full of liquor in his hands.]

Jared Kushner: United Arab Emirates? Hey, this is Jared Kushner. Is there anyway that I can borrow like, $800 million?

[Jared Kushner throws the bottle on the wall and breaks it.]

Male voice: NBC presents, this is US. The real life drama happening in our government everyday. The show critics are calling, “Like, ‘This Is Us’, but without the parts that feel good.”

[Cut to Ben Carson with his wife]

Ben Carson: Baby, I’m scared.

Ben’s wife: It’s okay. You’re gonna make a great surgeon general.

Ben Carson: No. I run the department of housing and urban development.

Ben’s wife: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s hilarious. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: Entertainment Weekly says, “You’ll be laughing through tears. Except without the laughing. So I guess just regular crying.” With loving tributes to the many, many people we’ve lost.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders is crying over urns of Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Hope Hicks.]

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders sitting with Kellyanne Conway]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: You’re growing up to be just like me. Maybe even better. Meaning, worse.

Male voice: And of course, there’s hella crying.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway sobbing. But she stops immediately]

Kellyanne Conway: No. I can’t cry. Ha-ha. I have nothing in me.

Male voice: This is US. This is real.

Family Feud- Oscars Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Guillermo del Toro… Beck Bennett

Allison Janney… Heidi Gardner

Jordan Peele… Chris Redd

Common… Sterling K. Brown

Sally Hawkins… Melissa Villaseñor

Willem Dafoe… Alex Moffat

Timothee Chalamet… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro]

Male voice: Celebrity Family Feud, Oscars edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in to the set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Alright. Okay, now. Welcome to the Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar edition. Now, you might not believe this but I have never went to Oscar. My live show won a Black Tony award which in the industry is called Tony Braxton. Alright, today we got Oscars winners versus Oscar losers. [cheers and applause] On the winner side, she just got Best Actress for three billboards, Frances McDormand.

Frances McDormand: Thank you. Thank you. And for all you ladies out there, I have two words that are going to change our industry. Burlap dress. Thank you.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you the kind of lady who goes to a dog park and appoints herself sheriff. Alright, next up, he won best director for the “Shape of Water,” and let me see if I’m pronouncing it correctly. Gucci Del Taco.

Guillermo del Toro: Hello, Steve. It’s Guillermo del Toro.

Steve Harvey: Now, your movie is about a lady who gets busy with a fish.

Guillermo del Toro: Ah! Fish monster. Yes. I love my monsters.

Steve Harvey: And it won Best Picture? Man, that sounds like Wayne’s Brothers movie. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, next. She just on an Oscar for “I, Tonya,” and Im’ sorry but I din’t see it, this is Allison Janney.

Allison Janney: Well, if you wanna know Oscar, I have one piece of advice. Act with the bird. [giggling] Oh! Thank you, pumpkin. If anything you gave me wings.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man I wish they made tiny little Oscars for birds. Oh! Alright, next. He just won best screenplay for “Get Out.” This is Jordan Peele. Congratulations, bro.

Jordan Peele: Thank you very much, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man. You are so funny too. I loved you on Key and Peele.

Jordan Peele: Well, sketch comedy is great but at some point, you have to move on. You know?

[Steve Harvey looks disappointed.]

Steve Harvey: [clears his throat] Um, you do?

Jordan Peele: Yeah. After a few years, you just gotta do something more artistic. You know?

Steve Harvey: How many years?

Jordan Peele: Are you okay, Steve?

Steve Harvey: Oh, who? Who? Me? Yeah. No, Im’ fine, player. Yeah. I’m real good. I’m real good. Let’s go over to the Oscars losers side. Alright, first up, he’s a rapper who won last year for best song but he lost this year. Common.

Common: Yo! Yo! Blessings, yo! It’s an honor to be a part of this family. Like, despite our feud, we still put food on the table. Provide for the children, make sure their future’s stable.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Yeah. Okay, okay. Let’s just slow it down there, Dr. Martin Luther sues. Alright, next, she was nominated for the “Shape of Water,” it’s the lady that got busy with the fish-man, Sally Hawkins.

Sally Hawkins: Hello, Steve. [does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Now, tell me. Was that fish-man actually sexy?

[Sally Hawkins does the sign language again. She looks like she’s blushing.]

Oh! Whoo! Swampy! Alright, next, he’s a best supporting actor nominee and he kind of looks like the Joker without the make up. It’s Willem Dafoe. How are you feeling Willem?

Willem Dafoe: Totally relaxed.

Steve Harvey: You sure?

Willem Dafoe: Yep. Just cooling out, Steve. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Ooh, you spooky little goblin. Alright, finally, he was nominated for “Call Me By Your Name.” This is Timothee Chalamet.

Timothee Chalamet: Stop! Come on! You’re embarrassing me. I’m so cute.

Steve Harvey: Man! I saw you in that movie getting busy with a peach. I guess a fish wasn’t available. Alright, give me two players up here. Let’s play the Feud.

[Steve Harvey and Common walk to Steve Harvey.]

Common: Yo, yo, Frances, this is a privilege.

Frances McDormand: Yeah. Yeah. I might be smiling but I’m not friendly.

Steve Harvey: Feel that chemistry cracker! Alright, 100 people surveyed. Name something that you do when you get up in the morning. [buzzer sound] Common.

Common: Oh, the first thing I do? Well, [background music playing] inspire, illuminate and multiply, teach our children the ways in which one amplifies our voices and out choices will glorify.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Alright. Alright. Let’s just buzz that. Let’s buzz them. [wrong answer buzzer] Man! You ain’t no rapper. You more like a Ted talk set to music. Frances, first thing you do in the morning.

Frances McDormand: Well, hmm. You know, as a woman in the industry, I got to doll myself up. So, I do my skincare regimen which is just straight up vaseline. And then I curl my hair using my own anger coz I’ve, you know, had it!

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me, “Some lady yelling.”

[right answer bell]

[The answer board has ‘Fix hair’ in the answers]

Oh, man! Number three answer. Alright, y’all got the board. [cheers and applause] Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Steve Harvey walks to Guillermo del Toro] Jasape De Tona, something that you do when you get up in the morning.

Guillermo del Toro: Our mornings are mysterious. When dawn breaks, I check my nightmare traps for monsters. [Guillermo del Toro drops his glasses] Excuse me, I dropped my glasses. [Guillermo del Toro leans down. Then he scares Steve Harvey making the monster face putting his both palms on his face. His palms have eyes on them.]

Steve Harvey: Ah! No! No! No! [wrong answer buzzer] Man, you are crazy, Del Taco! Alright, let’s go with Allison Janney. What do you do in the morning?

Allison Janney: Gosh. I don’t do much. I mean, I shoot an episode of “Mom”, then two Windy’s, then a commercial. That’s where there are no older women. Jobs for them in Hollywood, I took em’ all. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me loading up your IMDB page. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! Not there. I’m sorry. Jordan Peele, something that you do in the morning.

Jordan Peele: Well, right now, I’m working on a movie about Ben Carson.

Steve Harvey: Oh, really? What’s that called?

Jordan Peele: “Get Out 2: Wake Up Brother.”

Steve Harvey: Oh. Yeah. That would explain it. Show me, making a movie about the walking dead. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! It’s not up there. Alright, Oscar losers, you got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to Oscar losers] Give me some answers.

Timothee Chalamet: Oh, I can’t say, man.

Willem Dafoe: Frolic.

[Sally Hawkins just does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Um-hmm. Yeah. Alright. Common, you’re the team leader. Do you got an answer?

Common: Oh. Answers. They not up in some board, they’re inside us.

Steve Harvey: Oh, lord. Here we go. Here we go.

[music playing in the background. Common walks to the center.]

Common: Ay. From Martin to Malcolm to Barack and Michelle
we can make light out of dark and find heaven in hell

Steve Harvey: There’s like, church too.

Common: You’re your own future, just come out of your shell
raise fists, take risks, and believe in yourself

Steve Harvey: Just go to commercial!

Common: No, you have the power and you have the ability
everything can change in an instant

Bachelor Finale Cold Open

Alex Moffat

Becca K. … Cecily Strong

Robert Mueller… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Bachelor Live intro]

[Cut to The Bachelor stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Alex: Welcome back to the shocking live finale of Bachelor. We’ve all been on this journey together. Watching the drama unfold, what you’re about to see is completely unedited. Becca has no idea what’s coming. And fair warning, it’s hard to watch.

[Cut to Becca]

Becca: So, today I’m very excited. The past few months have been such a whirlwind. But I finally feel like I’m in a place where I can see the future so clearly. I just want to get to the point where this is all over and life feels back to normal. I’m excited to see him.

[Cut to Becca waiting for the someone.]

[door knocking]

[Robert Mueller walks in]

Robert Mueller: Hey!

Becca: Bob!

Robert Mueller: How are you?

Becca: You look good.

Robert Mueller: It’s okay.

Becca: What’s going on? How are you doing?

Robert Mueller: Can I talk to you a little bit? Here sit. [Becca and Robert Mueller sit down] Um, oh my gosh. What’s that? [pointing at Becca’s hand]

Becca: Oh, I know. My tattoo.

Robert Mueller: No, no. I like it.

Becca: I can be so nervous.

Robert Mueller: I know.

Becca: What’s up?

Robert Mueller: Okay. Where do I start this conversation? Um, so, you know that I’ve been struggling a little bit over the last few months. Just like, trying to figure this whole thing out and like, grasp and everything. And the reality is that I don’t think that I can give you everything that you want right now. You know? And I think you’ve sensed that.

Becca: So, what? You don’t have Trump on collusion?

Robert Mueller: Well, I just– Um, I think I need to explore the possibility that I might have a stronger case with some other stuff.

Becca: I can’t [beep] believe this.

Robert Mueller: I know. Well, I’m just– I’m trying to be honest with you and tell you I can’t commit to collusion right now.

Becca: But you indicted 13 Russians and like, everything that happened in Seychelles, that means nothing?

Robert Mueller: No. No. I mean, the Seychelles were amazing and like, it’s definitely something. It’s just like the more time that goes by, the more that I keep thinking about obstruction.

Becca: This is so [bleep] embarrassing. Collusion is literally the only thing I’ve been looking forward to for the past year.

Robert Mueller: I know. But just at this point, I honestly feel like I’m only half in with collusion.

Becca: So what? You’re gonna be half in with obstruction?

Robert Mueller: No.

Becca: Oh, my [bleep] . Okay, I’m done.

[Becca stands and leaves. Robert Mueller follows her. Becca starts packing.]

No! I don’t–

Robert Mueller: No, no. Um, you can stay. I’m gonna go. So…

Becca: I’m not gonna give you a hug goodbye.

Robert Mueller: I know.

Becca: I was ready, Bob. I was ready to do the damn thing.

Robert Mueller: I know. Do you want a few minutes to yourself? Or do you just want me to go?

Becca: I want you to go.

Robert Mueller: Okay.

[Robert Mueller walks out. Becca gets in the bathroom. She is crying. Robert Mueller walks in agin. He knocks the bathroom door.]

Hey, are you okay?

Becca: Just leave. What are you still doing here? Just go.

[Robert Mueller walks out of the room and sits on the sofa. Becca walks out of the room to talk to Robert Mueller.]

So that’s it? He just gonna be president?

Robert Mueller: I honest– I don’t know how to answer that.

Becca: [bleep]

Robert Mueller: Can you just like– Can you just come talk to me for like, two minutes please?

[Becca sits on the sofa too.]

Becca: I let my walls down for you.

Robert Mueller: I know. And I love that.

Becca: Oh my god. So I have to wait two more years for him to be out of office?

Robert Mueller: Honestly, probably six.

Becca: [bleep] Well, at least you finally got to see me cry.

Robert Mueller: I’m so sorry.

Becca: So, Stormy Daniels. That’s nothing?

Robert Mueller: No, I mean that’s definitely fun. It’s just not what I’m doing.

Becca: Do you have any good news for me?

Robert Mueller: Do you own American Steel? [Becca shakes her head no] Then no. I don’t–

Becca: Just leave.

Robert Mueller: Okay. I’m gonna go. I feel like we just need to come together as a country right now. Like, stop hoping for things that might not happen.

Becca: Honestly, you have to get out.

Robert Mueller: Okay. I’m gonna go. [hesitating to leave] I mean, it would be Pence. Do you want Pence?

Becca: Get out!

Robert Mueller: Okay. [Robert Mueller walks away. Becca is sobbing. But after few seconds, Robert Mueller walks to Becca again.] Look, if it makes you feel any better, the Kush is cooked and also you’re the next Bachelorette.

Becca: Oh! Oh, that’s great. Well, I’m fine.

Becca and Robert Mueller: And live from New York it’s Saturday night.

Presidential Address Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Anderson Cooper Mike Pence60 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I am Anderson Cooper and this is CNN, your number one source for impeachment porn. This has been a week of shocking revelations out of the White House not least of which is the ongoing debate over gun control and the wake of the tragic school shooting in Florida. At times like this, we look to our leaders for guidance. But instead we’ll hear from Donald Trump, who has called the second bipartisan symposium where he will read a prepared statement.

[Cut to Donald Trump and his cabinet at bipartisan meeting]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Tonight, I am here to bring you a message of healing and a show of unity along with Mike Pence and senator Dianne Feinstein.

Dianne Feinstein: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Last week, I met with a group of teenage survivors of gun violence and I wanna reassure them once again that [Donald Trump pulls out a paper and reads it] I her you and I care. Rent “Lego Ninjago” movie– sorry. Eric scribbled some notes in there too. But it’s clear something has to change. We have to take a hard look at mental health which I have so much of. I have one of the healthiest mentals. My mentals is so high that we have to respect the law. Believe me, no one loves the second amendment and do a process more than me. But maybe, we just take everyone’s guns away. Okay? Nobody is allowed to have a gun. Not even whites.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: Did we like that? Dianne loves that. She hasn’t been this excited since women were allowed to get jobs. But, oh! Look at Mike. He hates it. Don’t worry, Mike. I met with the NRA. They gave me $30 million good reasons not to change a thing. So, it’s all good. [coughs] [to Mike Pence] We still friends, right? We still friends, Mike? [Mike Pence is feeling uncomfortable. Donald Trump puts his hand on Mike Pence’s.] Look at him. He’s so uncomfortable. He hates this.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: He’s worried this is a gateway touch. But the youth of America deserve to feel safe and secure in their schools because folks, I can only run into so many schools and save everybody. If I could, I’d run into all of them. Even without a weapon, I burst through the doors and I’d be running so fast. I’m actually a fast runner. People don’t know that about me. I’d be running so fast, the guy with the gun wouldn’t even know what hit him. Bing, bing, ding, dong, dang. He’s finished. Okay? So, the schools are safe now. But I wouldn’t stop there coz I’m on a role. I just keep running and running. I’d run to North Korea, again, competing unarmed. I’d fight their rocket man. Ping, pong, pang, ping, ping, poom. I’d pick him up and throw him right over the Great Wall of Korea.

If I have to make America’s school safe all by myself, I will. Just like how I’m running the White House all by myself. Because these people who work for me keep resigning. Hope Hicks, she’s like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot. She resigned. You know, I hate seeing her go but I love watching her walk away. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I mean Jared Kushner is basically the hottest chick left in the place. And he’s probably going to jail soon, so he’s out. But that should be it, okay? I mean, everyone else is staying, right? Big Master, you’re staying, am I right? [the chair is empty already] He’ll always stand by my side. Great guy. Anyway, if we’re going to stop this gun violence, we need to work together. Whites, blacks, even some of the good immigrants. Do we call them grants. I’m gonna call them grants. Okay. Because we need to heal this great country of ours and it really is one of the best, top five. We could do better. I mean, they’re all beating us. Gina (China), Japan, Wakanda. Okay? Wakanda is laughing at us. Right? They’ve got flying cars, people in Wkanda. That’s why I announced the steel and aluminum tariff this week. People are going nuts about it. I brought back the steel industry by destroying the auto industry and tanking the stock market. Impressive.

[Mike Pence and Dianne Feinstein are annoyed]

Look at them. Both sides hated it. I don’t care. I said I was going to run this country like a business. That business is a Waffle house at 2 AM. [cheers and applause] Crazies everywhere. Staff walking out in the middle of their shift. Managers taking money out of the cash register to pay off the Russian mob. But maybe we o just take all the guns away.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: She loves it. She’s looking at me like a cartoon pork chop. Okay. She’s great. All the people here are great except Jeff Sessions. He needs to go. I call him Mr. Magoo. Everyone loves it. People around here in the White House say, “Stop! I’m laughing so hard. I can’t take it anymore. I resign.”

[Jeff Sessions stands from Donald Trump’s behind]

Jeff Sessions: That’s very funny, Mr. President. But, I’m not going anywhere. [laughing] I’m like skunk stink on a bird dog, sir. I linger. And I just had dinner with all your friends at the Department of Justice and wow! Your name popped up more than a weasel in a pumpkin patch. That’s right, Mr. President. You can’t bully me anymore. For the first time, I’m standing up on my own high legs. [holding Donald Trump on his shoulders] Okay, how about we say it together for old time’s sake? Huh?

Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Last Call with Charles Barkley

Anthony… Kenan Thompson

Charles Barkley

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender announcing the last call to the customers at the bar.]

Anthony: Aright desperados, last call. You know, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

[There are only two customers because it’s late. One man and a woman]

Charles: Hang on here, bartender. I’ll have one more speedy gonzalez. That’s a hot margarita with dulcolax in it.

Sheila: And I’ll take a plantar’s punch. Heck, I’ve already got the warts. Hah! Ha-ha.

Anthony: [giving the drinks to Charles and Sheila] Well, drink fast, please.

Charles: Well, well, well, [looking at Sheila] The Oscars are tomorrow. I’m looking at the nominee for the worst possible sport.

Sheila: Maybe you play your cards right and you’ll get to walk my red carpet. Unless you’d rather be my seat filler.

[Anthony is eating spaghetti. He gets disgusted of their conversation and he spits out.]

Hey, mind if I slam my clam a little closer? There’s a nail in this stool and it has pierced my rubber underwear.

Charles: Sure, but let me get this last gulp of clean air before you get here. [Charles breathes in] I’m ready.

[Sheila moves close to Charles]

Sheila: So, where have you been all night? That part of the night where I was lucid?

Charles: I went to bathroom on my hands and knees.

Sheila: Oh, well. Were you sick or were you doing folks?

Charles: I wish. I temporarily lost my crown. It fell in the toilet to an hour. But I got it best.

Sheila: Oh, great! That’s great. That’s great. It’s worth it. My name’s Sheila Sovage. Have you ever seen that show “Naked and Afraid?”

Charles: Why? Were you on that show?

Sheila: No. No. But if you play your cards right, I’ll make you both.

Anthony: [talking on the phone] Yea, hello, ISIS. Yeah, I changed my mind. I will join.

Charles: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you tonight, I thought, “Hello no.” But now I’m not thinking coz I’m drunk.

Sheila: Oh, yeah? And of all the men in here, you’re the only man in here. Let’s go back to my place and do missionary, huh? That’s where you try to teach me English until you get frustrated and leave the country.

Charles: I’d rather do the reverse cowgirl. That’s where I put your cowboy hat over your face and walk you out back till you fall out of window.

Sheila: Oh! You’re bad man. You bad. Maybe we should go for a test drive here in the showroom. Yeah?

[Sheila leans towards Charles]

Anthony: [praying] Dear god. Make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away from here. Dear god. Make me a bird.

Charles: Hello, do you have certs?

Sheila: Oh! No. But I do have the next best thing. Um, a lady speed stick.  Yeah. Good idea. [She takes it out and licks on it. Then she rubs it on Charles’s mouth too.] There you go. There. Fresh as a daisy. Let’s do this.

[Sheila kisses Charles, rubs the speed stick on him again, and then agin kiss him.]

[Anthony ziplocks himself inside a suit bag.]

Sheila: Wow! [coughs] Wow! Are you as soft as I am dry?

Charles: I’m engorged.

Sheila: Look. I think our lips are getting in the way of the main attraction. The tongue.

Charles: I got an idea.

Sheila: Oh yeah?

Charles: Let’s try this thing I stole from the dentist.

[Charles pulls out two dental retractors and they both put them in their mouths.]

Sheila: Ready.

Charles: Yeah.

[Charles and Sheila kiss wearing the dental retractors. Anthony is covering his eyes.]

Anthony: Anthony! Don’t look. It’s gonna be too terrible. But yet, I must. What’s the worst thing that could happen? [Anthony peeks] Noo!

[Anthony is turned into a stone]

Harassment Awards

Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett

Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong

Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat

Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson

Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley

Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant

Jack… Luke Null

[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]

Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.

Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.

Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]

Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?

[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]

Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.

Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.

[Tom Sturgeson walks in]

Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]

Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.

Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”

Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.

Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.

Yolanda: Okay. Move along.

Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.

[Tom Sturgeson walks away]

And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.

Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?

Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.

Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!

Lenny Martin: You think so but no.

Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?

Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.

Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.

Yolanda: Danny, don’t!

Danny: Alright.

Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.

[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]

Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.

Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.

Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]

Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.

Heidi: This is fun.

Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?

Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.

[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]

Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.

Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?

Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.

Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?

Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.

Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.

Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.

Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.

Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?

Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.

Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?

Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.

Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”

Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.

Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?

[Cut to Renee]

Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge

Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.

Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.

Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.

Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.

Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.

Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?

Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.

Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.

[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]

Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.

Jack: I’d rather not say.

Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’

Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.

[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]

Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.