Tag: Kate McKinnon

Wild Wild Country

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Sheila … Nasim Pedrad

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Netflix video bumper. It’s a documentary about hippy cult.]

[Cut to people walking in groups everyone wearing red.]

Aidy: It was the most fulfilling time of my life.

Beck: We created an entire community based on compassion and sharing.

Kate: Rajneesh’s agenda was simply to raise consciousness. That was his goal.

Female voice: It was beautiful.

Male: It was about love.

Kenan: Me? I do it for the ass.

Sheila: The people of Oregon was so blinded by their bigotry that they couldn’t even witness the miracle that was happening right in front of them.

Kenan: I mean, there was ass everywhere. Damn!

Melissa: I don’t know where they came from, but I wish they’d go back.

Alex: We weren’t just gonna sit back and let some cult move in and take over our town. I mean, this was our home.

Kenan: They would do these meditations. Everybody get butt naked and just wiggling their flappy parts. I put on my old adidas track suit and blended in with them hippies. And before I knew it, I was knee deep in happy ass. Ain’t no hip!

Beck: When I saw Rajneesh in person, I was so overcome with joy and emotion. I cried like a baby.

Kenan: I see this long caravan of cadillacs roll up and I’m thinking, “Hmm, that must be the OJ or somebody.” Then this brother steps out dressed in all red and everybody following him were dressed in all red too. And I said to myself, “Oh, lord. Here come the bloods.”

Alex: He was a conman. He had those people brainwashed.

Melissa: I don’t like that guy.

Aidy: He was incredible. He spoke with this, unbelievable power. So much grace.

Kenan: Man, I ain’t understand a damn word he was saying. I just know 10,000 horny white women showed up the town wearing no bras overnight. So, I told my old lady, “Look, baby, I think we’re growing apart.”

Aidy: The town was a bunch of trash hicks.

Pete: They all have this weird dead look in their eyes. I don’t know if it’s drugs or satanic.

Beck: There were no drugs in the community.

Kenan: I’d do a little bump before I left the house. And then another one just outside the house. And then one more before going back in the house. But that was it. Whoow!

Sheila: Free love was certainly part of it.  It was essential to our spiritual journey.

Sheila when she was young: Okay, who want’s to [bleep] Sheila?

[Kenan raises his hand]

Kenan: Man, Sheila was a freak. She made me harder than trigonometry.

Alex: We’d hear them at night loudly having sex like animals.

Kenan: Oh, it was wonderful. You could smell the sex funk from miles. It was thick. Smell like a karate class for monkeys.

Aidy: And it all changed.

Kate: A bomb went off.

Aidy: They bombed out hotel and it was a deliberate attack.

Sheila: If I didn’t take measures to protect our community, no one else would do it.

[Now, all the women have guns]

Sheila when she was young: They want to play rough? Okay. Would you kill for Bagwan?

Kenan when he was young: Who’s bagwan?

Kenan: All of a sudden, everybody was walking around with pistols. I said, “I knew y’all was the bloods. Don’t you get me caught up in this mess.” You see, I’m from Compton. I left because of the crime situation. I committed bunch of crimes and it became a situation.

Beck: It’s a shame that western would couldn’t accept us.

Kate: We were free.

Sheila: We were a religion.

Kenan: We was the bloods.

Male voice: Sheila, whatever your plans are, we don’t want the Rajneeshs. We don’t want the orange people in our town.

Sheila when she was young: What can I say? Tough [bleep]

Kenan: You one crazy ass Puerto Rican lady.

Weekend Update- Laura Ingraham

Colin Jost

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Red Lobster, Blue Apron and Slim Fast join the adviser boycott against FOX News host Laura Ingram after she mocked Parkland survivor David Hogg for getting rejected from four colleges. She’s back on her show after her fourth hiatus. Here to comment is Laura Ingram.

[Laura Ingram slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Ingram: Hey! Hey. Hi, Colin. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi. Thanks for having me.

Colin Jost: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. And, congratulations on returning to your show.

Laura Ingram: Thank you. It’s so good to be back after that planned vacation. It was so fun and so planned and it’s so scheduled a long time ago. The important thing is I’m back. And I’m not gonna cave to bullying from the tolerant left. I don’t care if I lost a couple of sponsors.

Colin Jost: Well, so far you’ve lost 27.

Laura Ingram: Yeah. And all because I trolled a traumatized teen. After spewing venom for decades, Twitter suddenly has made me accountable [coughs]. Okay. You know what? That can’t keep me down. Coz I’m really excited about some of my new sponsors. Like, Carl’s Sr., leftover Carl’s Jr. food ground to mush for old people. Umm, Carl’s Sr. And Your Pillow. From the makers of My Pillow, send us your pillow, we need more pillow. Or how about Shkreli’s Jelly? It’s just Jelly that’s $8,000 a jar.

Colin Jost: Are those real products, Laura?

Laura Ingram: Yup. You see, the totalitarian left can attack me all they want. But I’ll continue to defend the first amendment. That’s my right to bully people without being bullied in return. Right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how it works, Laura.

Laura Ingram: Yeah, fine. Just look, don’t boycott my show. Our country is so divided right now and I’m an important part of that. Let’s move on. You know I’m gonna say something worse. Why don’t you just watch a show and find out what that’s gonna be? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mention more of my sponsors. Like, Lady Bump Stock. The light weight Bump Stocks for delicate hands. And reverse Mortgage. We’ll take that house now. And how about Malaysian Airlines, caught in a scandal and need an escape? Malaysian Airlines.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Laura, I really– [Laura raises her both hands to her shoulder levels mimicking an airplane] Don’t do the act of Malaysian Airlines.

Laura Ingram: What?

Colin Jost: What? I don’t think those are real sponsors.

Laura Ingram: What do you want me to say? Look, I’m getting ponned by teenagers. Am I using that right? Ponned?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t really know. I definitely don’t know.

Laura Ingram: I don’t understand anything anymore. I mean Emma Gonzalez looks like some bad ass super hero trying to change the world. But when I in high school, it was bad to try. I said I wanted to try art and I got kicked in the face. But I didn’t say I was getting bullied. I just grew up into this. [pointing at herself] But you now who’s not afraid to sponsor this? Cream Soda. The soda for whites. You got the white one, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Alright. Laura, I think that’s enough. Alright.

Laura Ingram: Can I say one more thing about the Parkland kids?

Colin Jost: No! That’s what got you in trouble!

Laura Ingram: Okay, fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: Laura Ingram, everyone.

Michael Che: I always knew white people loved cream soda.

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Meet the Parents Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Assistant… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro.

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence in the office of Department of Justice, Washington, DC.]

Jeff Sessions: I don’t know, Mr. Vice President. I feel like I say this every week but this week was bad. I’m beginning to regret my wish to become a real boy. I toss and turn in my shoebox all night wondering what’s FBI gonna do next?

Mike Pence: I know. I know. We’re in a real pickle here, Jeff. And you know how uncomfortable I am around pickles.

Jeff Sessions: Yes. I can’t believe they raided Michael Cohen’s office. What are we gonna do, Mike?

Mike Pence: The important thing ti s to stay calm. In couple of months, the president will be back to normal.

Jeff Sessions: How’s that?

Mike Pence: Coz it will be me.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

[Assistant walks in the door]

Assistant: Excuse me, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Are they here for us? [raising his both hands up] I’ll go peacefully.

Assistant: No. It’s not the police. The president’s lawyer, Michael Cohen is here to see you.

Jeff Sessions: Oh! Finally. By all means, send him in.

[Michael Cohen walks in]

Michael Cohen: Hey. Hey. How you doing? That’s right, it’s Michael Cohen, attorney at law. You know. sometimes also not in law.

Jeff Sessions: Mr. Cohen, this situation is out of hand.

Michael Cohen: I know. Can you believe what they’re doing to poor Mr. Trump? It’s a disgrace. This whole raid was a complete violation of attorney criminal privilege.

Mike Pence: Well, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about.

Michael Cohen: Is that a joke? Look, we got a real problem here, Jeff. You know how much evidence I have in my office? I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer. I got a whole hard drive that’s just labelled “Yanks.”

Mike Pence: I have to say, some of these allegations against you are quite disturbing, Mr. Cohen. Like, how you paid $1.6 million for a top republican mistress to have an abortion.

Michael Cohen: Yeah. 1.6 million for your abortion. Thank you Obamacare! This is all your fault, Jeff. You shouldn’t have recused yourself. You should have protected Mr. Trump. He’s a fragile flower. And he also happens to be the smartest, kindest, sexiest, least colluding man on this planet which I call earth.

Jeff Sessions: [whispering to Mike Pence] Okay, he’s just a fool dumb, dumb now. [to Michael Cohen] Michael, the reason we brought you here today is that there’s someone who would like to speak with you.

Michael Cohen: Oh, great! Who?

Mike Pence: Don’t worry about it. He’s down the hall waiting for you.

Jeff Sessions: And remember, whatever happens, you have our full support, okay? So, right this way. [walking Michael Cohen out] Thank you so much. Thank you for coming in. [Michael Cohen walks out] I cannot wait to see that little dummy burn.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence do the high-five.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking into the interrogation room. There’s a polygraph machine on the table.]

Michael Cohen: What is this place?

[Robert Mueller walks in from another door.]

Robert Mueller: Looking for something, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller: Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Cohen? [Robert Mueller gives the wires of polygraph machine to Michael Cohen] Here, put these on. You’ve ever used a lie detector before?

Michael Cohen: I feel like I have.

Robert Mueller: Great!

Michael Cohen: Look. I want you to know I will gladly go to jail to protect Mr. President Trump.

Robert Mueller: Just relax, Mr. Cohen. If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll start with some easy ones. How’d you like that peepee tape?

Michael Cohen: What?

Robert Mueller: I’m kidding. Relax. We’ll get to that later. Is your name Michael Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: And you’re a lawyer?

Michael Cohen: Ish.

Robert Mueller: Did you have– did you make a payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: Did president Trump know about it?

Michael Cohen: No.

[Polygraph machine starts making noise]

Robert Mueller: I think you’re lying.

Michael Cohen: It was supposed to be a surprise for Stormy. Like a gift.

Robert Mueller: A gift?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. A gift. Like rock you throw through a window with a note tied to it that says “Stop talking.”

Robert Mueller: So you threaten people?

Michael Cohen: Directly? No. But, let’s just say I’ve cut a lot of letters out of a lot of a magazines. I was just trying to milk some information out of people. So what?

Robert Mueller: Did you say milk?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Like, with a cow or a goat or a… cat. I mean, you can milk anything with nipples.

Robert Mueller: Really? I have nipples. Can you milk me, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Look, Mr. Mueller, this entire Russian investigation is a witch hunt and your whole team is prejudiced against the president.

Robert Mueller: Not true. In fact, we use code names so personal feelings never come in to it.

Michael Cohen: Yeah? What’s president Trump’s code name?

Robert Mueller: It used to be Putin’s little bitch. Now, it’s Stormy’s little bitch.

Michael Cohen: What about Ivanka’s code name?

Robert Mueller: Girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Jared Kushner?

Robert Mueller: Other girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Don Jr. and Eric?

Robert Mueller: Two fradles.

Michael Cohen: What about my code name?

Robert Mueller: Dead man walking.

Michael Cohen: Look, I don’t have to take this from you. I have rights.

Robert Mueller: Now, you listen to me you little weasel. I don’t know what rights you think you have. You broke the law. And now we’re gonna catch all you little fakers, you got that?

Michael Cohen: Okay. Okay. But I will tell you this.

Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Diner Lobster

Waiter… John Mulaney

Waitress… Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Chris Red

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

Clausette… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Pete and Chris in Big Nick’s Greek Diner for a meal.]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete: No.

Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

Pete and Chris: Yeah.

Waiter: Alright. What do you want to eat?

Chris: Yeah. I’ll have the grilled cheese deluxe and can I get a salad instead of the fries, please?

Waiter: Yeah. Sure thing. One grilled cheese, vagina style. Great! How about you, Pal?

Pete: You know what? I’ll have the lobster

[Waiter is shocked]

Waiter: Excuse me?

Pete: The lobster special.

Chris: Did you just order a lobster in a diner?

Pete: Yeah. Why?

Chris: Because it’s a diner. No one orders lobster in a diner. The whole seafood section is on the menu as a joke, man. I mean, seafood! The word ‘seafood’ is in quotes.

Pete: I’m in the mood for lobster, okay? I won my lawsuit against bumble for getting zero matches. And I wanna celebrate.

Waiter: But the lobster, you sure that you want the lobster?

Pete: I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s on the menu. I’ll have the damn lobster.

Chris: Just don’t do it.

Waiter: [in sad voice] As you wish. Alright, everyone, the time has come. We’ve got an order here for one lobster.

[music playing]

[A huge aquarium is pulled out of curtains. There is Kenan dressed as a lobster inside.]

Kenan: [singing] Who am I?
and why am I condemned to boil alive?
when all that I have done is live my life

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim
choose from all to order him

[pointing at Pete] Who’s this guy?

[Pete is laughing hard]

Kenan: I thought that there was an unspoken rule
that lobster in a diner is never cool
a diner’s menu is way too long
and half the things are way too wrong

[Waitress is standing behind Pete and Chris. She surprises them by singing.]

Waitress: Must he die
how can you ever face his lobster friends?
how can you ever face yourself again?

monster

Kenan: I’ve lived here 40 years, I know
an age that lobsters never grow
and in that time there’s been no one to order any crustaceans

Who am I?

Waiter, Kenan and Waitress: Lobster number one.

[Chris is clapping for them]

Chris: I mean, you can’t eat the lobster now, man! They just sang their song, bro.

Waiter: I’m sorry, dude. I’m more of a mean girls guy. [winks at the camera] On broadway now.

Chris: Wait, what’s happening right now?

[a girl lobster walks in]

Clausette: Papa?

Kenan: Clausette? Oh, what are you doing here?

Clausette: There’s something I wanted to tell you, papa.

[music playing]

[singing] Father now they want you dead
let me go in your place instead
whether it’s boiled, steamed or blacked
Off to the great tank in the sky

Kenan: No, Clausette. I can’t make you do that. It’s not your time. It’s mine.

Clausette: [weeping] I love you, papa.

Kenan: Oh, I love you too. Now, run. Run from this place.

[Clausette runs out]

Chris: Oh, the little baby lobster man! Just change your order, dude!

Pete: Hey! They put it on the menu. I’m calling their bluff.

Waiter and Kenan: Form the barricade.

Chris: Wait, there’s a barricade?

[two people pull out a cart full of lobster cages]

Pete: This diner has incredible set design.

Waiter: [singing] Will you join in our crusade to keep the lobster from the pot?
Waitress: Will you drop the massacre raid and give him a shot?

Kenan: Then join in the pipe that will give us the right to be free

[Four other performs walk in dancing]

All: Do you hear the lobster scream
screaming the scream of scalding flames
it is a screaming of a lobster

[pointing at Pete. He is dancing to the song.] And this dummy’s here to blame

When the churning in your bowels
matches the burning of his shell
you’ll know why lobster in a diner never sell

Lobsters, you don’t order them in diners.

Pete: Alright. Alright. Alright. Forget he lobster. I’ll have the tuna melt instead.

Everyone: Yay!

Nike Women’s Ad

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of women engaging in physical exercises and sports.]

[music playing]

Female voice: With Nike, women push it to the limit everyday.

[Melissa is practicing boxing on punching bag]

Melissa: Let’ just say, I roll with the punches.

Female voice: Because what you do is who you are.

Heidi: I’m a runner. I run.

Melissa: I’m a fighter. I fight.

[Aidy is sitting on a cough chilling]

Aidy: And I just sit the hell down and chill in these soft pants.

Female: Introducing the new Nike Pro-Chiller Leggings. Designed for endurance but used for what most women actually do in leggings. Setting up shop on their couch.

Kate: Coz let’s get real. Leggings can be pants, pajamas and a napkin.

Female: Nike Pro-Chiller Legging is advance enough to keep up with you wherever you go.

Heidi: The highest peak.

Melissa: The top of the podium.

Aidy: Couch. Bed. Other side of couch. Front door to receive delivery of one single bagel.

Female: With patented moisture wicking technology, 360 degrees of support and 190 degrees of hot lap.

Aidy: Coz I bring the heat. Leggings, blanket, laptop. Couch panini.

Kate: And I’m tired from my nap.

Heidi: I make my own rules.

Melissa: There are no rules.

Aidy: Except for Vanderpump rules. Hell, yeah.

Kate: Women can do anything they want. And I wanna do… Nothing!

Melissa: No fear.

Heidi: No limits.

Aidy: No bra, ever!

Kate: My Fitbit says I’m dead.

Female voice: The new Nike Pro-Chiller Legging.

Melissa: Because I can beat the odds.

Heidi: Because I can cross the finish line.

Aidy: Because I can’t just put my naked butt on the couch.

Medical Breakthrough

Dr. Connolly… Chadwick Boseman

Dr. Karen Price… Aidy Bryant

Sandra Matson… Kate McKinnon

Dave Matson… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

[Starts with Dr. Connolly and Dr. Karen Price at the podium speaking to the press. They’re both wearing aprons.]

Dr. Connolly: Thank you all for being here today. I’m Dr. Connolly, lead researcher for the fertility frontiers project. This is my brilliant supervisor Dr. Karen Price.

Dr. Karen Price: Hello.

Dr. Connolly: Nine months ago, we began working with a couple who had difficulty conceiving. But through a process, we created called ‘Paternal Embryonic Gestation’ and implanted artificial womb. Their dreams of pregnancy have come true. With one small difference. Please welcome Sandra Matson and her husband Dave Matson, history’s first pregnant man.

[Sandra and Dave walk in. Dave has pregnant belly.]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Matson, you just made history. Any comment?

Dave: Um, yeah. Anybody have olives and peanut butter? I’m having a really weird craving.

[The press laughs.]

In all seriousness, we feel so blessed that life found a way.

Sandra: Um-hmm. Now if we could only find a maternity store with a men’s section.

[everyone laughing]

Dr. Connolly: Now, we’ll open it up for questions. Yes.

Heidi: First, congratulations on this remarkable achievement. Dr. Connolly, how does the man give birth?

Dr. Connolly: Well, the plan has always been a scheduled C-section.

Dave: Two weeks from today.

Dr. Connolly: But the plan has changed.

Dave: It has?

Dr. Connolly: My team and I now believe that due to the fragility of the artificial womb, the baby must be delivered naturally through Mr. Watson’s urethra.

Dave: What?

Dr. Connolly: Who else has a question?

Dave: I do.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Chris: Hello, there. Just to be clear, the baby will come out of this man’s, um, now I’m sure there’s a classy way to say this but I’m going with pee hole?

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The elasticity of the skin and tissue in that area will stretch to accommodate the birth… hopefully.

Dave: Hopefully?

Dr. Karen Price: Yes. Picture a bowling ball going through a twizzler.

Dr. Connolly: With that said, we will be prepared for possible tuliping.

Heidi: I’m sorry, doctor. What is tuliping?

Dr. Karen Price: Oh, I can take this one. Yeah, the best way to describe it is with the Looney Tunes metaphor. So, if you recall when Bugs Bunny would put his finger in Elmer Fudd’s gun barrel? When Mr. Fudd pulled the trigger, the barrel would bush out. Peel back like tulip petals. Hence, tuliping.

Dave: Oh, my god. So, next question. Yes. The woman in the wrinkled skirt.

Cecily: Oh. That detail was unnecessary. Mr.s Madson, will you be present in the delivery room?

Sandra: Not anymore. No.

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The delivery room will be crowded. It will be all hands on the deck and few hands in deck, if you know what I mean.

Dave: No. I don’t know what you mean.

Cecily: And lastly, will Mr. Madson be given the same epidural drugs used on women?

Dr. Connolly: Oh, no.

Dave: Yeah. Stronger?

Dr. Connolly: Unfortunately, no epidural or pain numbing drugs can be used as Mr. Madson will need to push at full strength for the full 24 hour long birth.

Dave: 24? Can’t it go any faster?

Dr. Connolly: Not without significant risk of tuliping.
Dave: Stop saying tuliping. Stop.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Alex: Yes, first off, Mr. Madson, congratulations and I’m so sorry. Now, how long do you anticipate the recovery process will take?

Dave: Um, forever?

Heidi: I can’t believe no one’s asked yet. Boy or girl?

Sandra: It’s a girl. Which is good because we have a lot of girl names we like.

Dr. Connolly: Well, pick your top three because surprise, you’re having triplets. Mr. Madson, any parting words?

Dave: I mean, I’m worried about my penis.

Dr. Connolly: We all are. Thank you.

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Aidy B & Cardi B

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Cardi B

[Starts with Aidy, Kate and Cecily talking in SNL office]

Kate: Oh, my god. I can’t stop listening to Cardi B’s new album.

Cecily: Yes. It’s so good. I’m so excited she’s here.

Aidy: I’m obsessed.

Cecily: I love how assertive and bold she is. She just like, says whatever she’s thinking.

Aidy: I know. And I think I need to be more like Cardi B.

[Kyle and Beck walk in]

Kyle: Hey, what are you girls doing? Having girl time?

Beck: Yes. Should we come back?

Aidy: What did you say?

Beck: Oh, we just don’t want to interrupt your girl time.

Aidy: [speaking like Cardi B] Oh, well, why don’t you shut your hoe ass up? I’m sick of you hating ass hoes always got something slick to say. Just remember I’m a boss and you a worker you goofy bitch!

Kate: Aidy?

Aidy: Ah! Nah, hoe. [to Kyle and Beck] You need to watch your mouth. I’m from The Bronx. I don’t play that [bleep]. [to Kate and Cecily] Come on. [the girls walk out]

Kyle: Is Aidy actually from The Bronx?

Beck: She’s from North Central Phoenix.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy with Chris in costume room]

Chris: Hey, you talked to Chadwick yet? He’s super cool.

Aidy: No. I’m weirdly nervous to meet him.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Coz he’s the Black Panther and I loved the movie and he is very cool and I am very lame.

Chris: You are not lame. Come on

[Chadwick Boseman walks in]

Chadwick: What’s up, Chris?

Chris: What’s up? How do you feel? You good? You know Aidy Bryant, right?

Chadwick: Of course. Oh, my god. I’m a big fan of your’s.

Aidy: [talking like Cardi B] Yeah. I’m not afraid of you bitch.

Chadwick: What’s that?

Aidy: What? Errr! Ooh! Actually, I’m sure you’re used to all these other little bitches being afraid of you but I am not scared, okay? I’m a rider or die, bitch. You see that rock? [showing her engagement ring] Yeah, that actually means I give Conor that very good puddy, okay? I can picture so good that I be screaming my own name during sex. Oh, prrrr.

[Aidy walks out. Chadwick and Chris look at each other all confused.]

Chadwick: That’s how you let white girls talk to you around here?

Chris: Only Aidy B. I’m not proud of that.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy on the table trying to do the sexy dance like Cardi B. The staffs are looking at her.]

Kenan: Dude, what the hell is going on with Aidy?

Mikey: I think she’s empowered.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy walking out. A woman walks to her.]

Woman: Hey, Aidy. Could you do a quick shoutout for SNL’s instagram?

Aidy: Oh, yeah. Of course. [The woman hands over a phone to Aidy.] Okay, so what should I say?

Woman: Say something to the fans.

Aidy: Okay. [Aidy starts taking selfie video. She’s speaking like Cardi B.] Ah! Stop asking me about the show. The cast sucks, the writers are stupid, I [bleep] them all, they were boring. So, live from The Bronx, y’all can shut the [bleep] up.

[talking normally again] And then I– I’m sorry. Do I hit the send?

Woman: [shocked] Yeah. That was good.

Aidy: Yay!

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy in Cardi B’s changing room]

Aidy: Cardi, your music has changed my life. You’ve honestly inspired me to just say what’s on my mind. So, thank you.

Cardi B: You know, I do it for my fans.

Aidy: And I am a fan. But maybe also your best friend. We’re pretty much the same.

Cardi B: Um, can you please get me some water? [speaking softly] I’ma a little worried.

Aidy: Oh, sure. Unless you want me to stay.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: I have a lot of very short songs that I’ve written.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: [singing] Subs are good but I prefer pizza, honey.

Cardi B: Okay. Just go.

Aidy: Okay. But before I go, [showing her high heels] these is bloody shoes, coz they’re giving me the worst days of my life.

Cardi B: Just get the [bleep] out of here.

Aidy: Call me.

Cardi B: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Aidy walks out]

Aidy: Aidy B and Cardi B, best friends.