Tag: Kate McKinnon

Celebrity Family Feud- Super Bowl Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Samuel L. Jackson… Leslie Jones

Paula Deen… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodell… Beck Bennett

Gisele Bundchen… Kristen Stewart

Bill Belichick… Bobby Moynihan

Casey Affleck… Alex Moffat

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “Family Feud: Super Bowl edition.” Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay, ow, welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud.” Now, in honor of my meeting with Donald Trump, I’m wearing a Trump tie. Trump tie ties so long they put a little tickle in your pickle. Now, this is the Super Bowl edition so we bot celebrity New England Patriot fans taking on celebrity Atlanta Falcons fans. And on the Atlanta side, first up is Falcons fans and little musical rascal, Justin Bieber.

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Um, yeah. What’s up Steve. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not bad no more. Um, but I can still do this. [starts jumping around]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, okay. Next we got the official voice of the Falcons, Samuel L. Jackson

[Cut to Samuel L. Jackson]

Samuel L. Jackson: It’s about time we got these mother flipping Falcons in the mother flipping Super Bowl

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Umm, I don’t know, there’s something different about you, Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, next, we got the most famous Chef in Georgia and America’s leading cause of diabetes, Paula Deen.

[Cut to Paula Deen]

Paula Deen: Yeah, I love the Super Bowl. While the boys are throwing around the old pig skin, I’m going to cook a pig skin and serve it with a side of cheesy Fajiddles.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Alright. Finally on the Falcon side, the man who suspended Tom Brady for deflate-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Hello, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now wait, you really a Falcons fan?

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Absolutely. Love the Falcons. Doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to give the Super Bowl trophy to Tom Brady.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! You’re going to be watching the game with the same face Obama had while watching this year’s election. Just like, [making serious face]. Alright, over on the Patriots side, first up we got Brazilian supermodel and Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

[Cut to Gisele Bundchen]

Gisele Bundchen: I love the American Super Bowl where millions of people come together to watch TV and teat this garbage.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You know, your name sounds like what my underwear be doing sometimes. Gisele Bundchen. Next up, we got a successful millionaire who dresses like a seventh grade boy. The Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: Good evening, Steve. We’re having fun here, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bill, cheer up, man! You’ve won six super bowls and I have never seen you laugh. Give me a laugh, Bill, come on.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: [trying to laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry I asked. Alright, next, we got an actor from Massachusetts and a Oscar favorite, Casey Affleck.

[Cut to Casey Affleck]

Casey Affleck: Um, how are you doing, Steve? I, uh, I’m doing good. I guess excited for the Super Bowl. Um, go Pats and all, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god, you like the first half of commercial for anti-depressants. And finally, this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer, Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you, Steve. [singing] I got a million reasons my halftime show will rock

They said I can’t be political. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna. [winks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Seeing you before the football fans is going to be like Toby Keith hosting the Tonys. Let’s play a game. Give me Gisele, give me Justin, let’s get on up here.

[Justin Bieber and Gisele Bundchen walk to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Justin Bieber: [to Gisele Bundchen] Hey girl. Um, how you doing? Hmm? [trying to do a cool pose]

Steve Harvey: Justin, I got some bad news for you, player. that don’t work on women that’s grown. Alright, top six answers are on the board. The Super Bowl is Sunday. Name one thing that you take to a party. [buzzer] Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen: Cachaca and caipariniahs.

Steve Harvey: Now what you say about Sasha and Malia?

Gisele Bundchen: No. No, I said cachaca and capriniah. They’re drinks. Two of them?

Steve Harvey: You know, I don’t know what you’re saying but you look good saying it. Show me, goulashes and capers!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not up here. Um, Justin, what you bring to a party?

Justin Bieber: Um, Steve, I don’t party as much because I’m a man now. I got like five little moustache hairs and I’m bringing them all for you, girl. But when I do party, I’ma bring my signature cocktail.

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Show me juice box!

[There is ‘beverages’ in answer board]

Ay! Number six answer. Okay, alright, the Falcon fans have the board. [Steve Harvey walks to team Falcon] Alright, Samuel L. Jackson, something that you bring to a party.

Samuel L. Jackson: Why do I got to bring something? You invited me. That’s a stupid ass question and I hope you burn in hell!

Steve Harvey: Um, look here. I don’t know who brought you up in here. But I”m watching you. Yeah, okay, Paula Deen, give me something that you bring to a party.

Paula Deen: Well, yeah, a party’s gotta have food so I’ma bring my famous seven-layer cheese dip. It’s cheese, then beans, then cheese, then farts, then beans and cheese.

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if Michelle Obama had an opposite person. Show me, bring some extra febreze!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, two strikes. On to Roger Goodell, something that you bring to a party.

Roger Goodell: Oh, I love to party. Just you and a dozen lawyers in a luxury box just getting turnt. Turnt up.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, that’s a great answer. ON behalf of all the players in the NFL, this is dedicated to you. [wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, alright, Patriots fans got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to team Patriots] Something that you take to a party, give me some answers.

Lady Gaga: Dwarves.

Bill Belichick: Hoodies, maybe?

Steve Harvey: Great answers there but Gisele, it is up to you. What do you take to a party?

Gisele Bundchen: Steve, a party is being together. I’ll say the beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some nonesense!

[right answer bell. The answer board has “The beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity” as number one answer.]

Ay! Man! That was the number one answer! My lord. How did that happen?

[Cut to Bill Belichick smiling and using a computer.]Wait! Bill Belichick, did you hack the board?

[Bill Belichick laughing weirdly]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sneaky old fool. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’ll tell you the name of the tiny little elf that hides in my moustache. We’ll see you later.

Golden Ticket

Charlie… Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies. We now return to 1971’s, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to an old cottage house. Inside the bedroom, there are two old men and two old women in one bed. Charlie runs in.]

Charlie: Look, everybody! I got it! The 5th golden ticket. It’s mine.

Kate: Oh, you’re pulling our legs, Charlie. There aren’t any more golden tickets.

Charlie: Grandma, the 5th one was fake. It said so in the papers. I found money in the street and I bought a chocolate bar and the ticket was in it.

Pete: Charlie!

Charlie: Grandpa, look for yourself. [hands the ticket to Pete]

Pete: [reading] Greetings to you, finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at 10 o’clock in the morning. You may bring oner person, but no one else. Charlie, you’ve done it! [Pete comes out of the bed and stands] Look at me! Up and about! I haven’t done this in 20 years.

[singing] I never thought that I could be
anything but catastrophy
but suddenly I begin to see
a bit of good luck for me

Charlie: Wait, what? You can stand? Are you serious right now?

Pete: Yes, Charlie. I’m standing.

Charlie: Grandpa, you’ve been able to stand this entire time and you just didn’t?

Pete: Yes.

Charlie: But I thought you had terrible polio.

Pete: Oh, god no! I’m old, not sick, Charlie. Now let me finish my song.

[singing] I never thought that I could be

Charlie: I never thought you could walk, grandpa. I dropped out of school. I had to get a job. I work for a bookie.

Pete: And you’re doing great, Charlie.

Charlie: I schedule dog fights. And last week I got stabbed by a man named Dennis, it was so much fun.

Pete: Look, Charlie, you found the golden ticket, now please, let me do my number.

[singing] I never thought

Charlie: No, no. You never stood up, then I get a ticket with a plus one, and suddenly you’re dancing around like Ginger Rogers on Uppers. No.

[Mikey gets out of bed too]

Mikey: Oh, Charlie, be easy on your grandfather.

Charlie: You can stand too? Hell no, I sponge-bathed you. I washed your balls!

Mikey: I didn’t ask you to. I also thought that was strange. Calm down, Charlie.

Charlie: You calm down. I’m out on the streets while your lazy asses are in bed all day scissoring? I’m not down with that.

Pete: Come on, Charlie. Cheer up. Let’s get ready for the factory!

Charlie: What part of “You ain’t going” don’t you get, dog?

Kate: Maybe sounds like you’ve had a bit too much chocolate, Charlie.

Charlie: I’ve had none, we’re poor. You know what? Screw all of you.

Vanessa: I actually do have polio.

Charlie: Please, Grandma. I’m sorry. I got to go. [Charlie storms out]

Pete: Alright. Well, race to the movies?

Kate: Whoo! [Kate gets out of the bed too]

Pete: [singing] a bit of good luck for me

[Pete runs out with Kate and Mikey]

Vanessa: I really do have polio.

Kristen Stewart Monologue

Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Stewart.

[Kristen Stewart walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Stewart: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is really great to be hosting Saturday Night Live, I gotta tell ya’. I’m here to promote my movie ‘Twilight’ which this week has been on iTunes for eight years. Check it out. I’m a little nervous to be hosting because I know president’s probably watching. I don’t think he likes me that much. Here’s how I know. Four years ago, I was dating this guy named Rob. Robert. And we broke up and then we got back together and for some reason it made Donald Trump go insane. Here’s what he actually tweeted and this is real.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. she cheated on him like a dog & will do it again– just watch. He can do much better!”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Now, I know what you’re thinking, right? “That’s so crazy, the president tweeted about you once.” No, no! The president tweeted about me 11 times. He also said,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Everyone knows I’m right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: I know! And then one day later, he tweeted,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Everyone is asking me to speak more on Robert & Kristen. I don’t have time except to say ‘Robert, drop her, she cheated on you & will again!'”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Okay, to be fair, I don’t think Donald Trump hated me. I think he’s in love with my boyfriend. Because he also tweeted this,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Miss Universe 2012 Pageant will be airing live on @abc & @Telemundo December 19th. Open invite stands for Robert Pattionson.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: So, yeah. That’s crazy, right? The president is not a huge fan of me. But that is so okay, and Donald, if you didn’t like me then, you’re really probably not gonna like me now. Coz I’m hosting SNL and I’m like, so gay dude. But I have to say it’s really, really awesome to be here. I’m sure maybe some of you are surprised that I’m hosting because you think I’m too cool for school or something.

[Kate McKinnon walks in smoking a cigarette]

Kate McKinnon: Whoo! Hell, yeah, Kristen. I’m too cool for school too, I don’t even care about this show. Pfft!

Kristen Stewart: Really? You don’t care about it?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t even want to be on it, right? I just want to be like you, right? Sleep all day, party all night.

Kristen Stewart: Yeah, that’s cool. [Kate McKinnon is chocking on cigarette smoke] That sounds cool. I don’t really do that though. I mean, I worked on five movies last year. One of them’s called ‘Personal Shopper,’ you should check it out. And I just directed a short film that premiered at Sundance, which was fun.

Kate McKinnon: Hah! They did Sundance this year?

Kristen Stewart: Yeah. Dude, they do it every year. It’s a thing.

Kate McKinnon: Hah! Okay, that’s weird because I sent them a bunch of little movies, they said they weren’t doing it this year. Okay.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant getting in on a Harley Davidson, wearing all rock star outfit]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, ha-ha-ha, Kristen. You see my hog? It’s pretty cool, I guess, but who freaking cares?

Kristen Stewart: No, I see that. That’s awesome. What kind of motorcycle is that? It’s cool.

Aidy Bryant: Um, it’s a big black one. Who even cares, right? All I care about is sex. Yeah, I’m never not doing it. Ha-ha-ha. I have sex every single day.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Errday.

Kristen Stewart: Um, I think that’s really healthy. That’s a good choice. You guys don’t have to do this though. Just to make me think you’re cool coz I think you guys are awesome. It’s a done deal.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, thank god.

Aidy Bryant: Thank you. Coz, I have sex once a week on Sundays right before dinner. That’s it.

Kristen Stewart: Actually, that is more healthy. Now, it’s a really good choice. Okay, so, we’ve got a great show and I totally care that I’m here, coz it’s the coolest fucking thing– [stops herself and covers her mouth] Oh! Oh my god. And I’m sorry and Alessia Cara is here and I’ll never come back. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Flush… Bobby Moynihan

Kristen Stewart

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with C-SPAN show schedule]

Male voice: Next on C-SPAN, the daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to the White House podium. Sean Spicer walks in.]

[cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Good afternoon. [yelling] Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Before we begin, I know that myself and the press have gotten off to a rocky start. [cheers and applause] Alright! Alright! alright! alright! In a sense, when I say rocky start, I mean it in the sense of ‘Rocky’ the movie because I came out here to punch you in the face. And also, I don’t talk so good. So, I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you, to me for how you have treated me in the last two weeks. And that apology is not accepted. Coz I’m not here to be your buddy. I’m here to swallow gum, and I’m here to take names.

[Sean Spicer takes a pack of gums out and pours it all in his mouth and starts chewing]

[speaking with gums in his mouth] Okay, now let me wave something shiny in front of you monkeys. [Sean Spicer pulls the gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the podium] I’ll get back to you. As you know, President Trump announced his supreme court pick on the national TV today. When he entered the room, the crows greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes. And you can check the tape on that. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. The men all had erections and every single one of women was ovulating left and right. And no one, no one was sad. Those are the facts forever and there’s something else. We got something X, three, four, capital T, capital P, eight, four. Hang on, wait a minute, that’s my email password. Forget that. Nobody write that. Stop writing that down!

Now, president’s schedule for today, at 3:45 the president will host an encore screening of ‘Finding Dory’. Okay? The story of a forgetful fish, okay? Everybody likes that. Then at 6 PM he’s going to abolish the national park system. But ‘Dory’, good stuff. So, if nobody has any questions.. [Sean Spicer prepares to leave]

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions]

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Okay, we’ll do a couple of questions. Go, Glen Flush, New York Times. Boo, go ahead.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Yeah, I wanted to ask about the travel ban on Muslims?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban.

Glen Flush: I’m sorry?

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban. The travel ban is not a ban which makes it not a ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: But you just called it a ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Because I’m using your words. You said ban. You said ban, now I’m saying ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: The president tweeted and I quote, “If the ban were announced with a one-week notice–”

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [interrupting] Yeah, exactly. You just said that. He’s quoting you. It’s your words. He’s using your words when you used the words and he uses them back, it’s circular using of the word and that’s from you. Seriously, Glen, are you going to start with me right out of the gate? I mean, what do you want? Me to take my nuts out so you can get a better kick at them?

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Okay. You had to have known that I would ask that question.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Okay, sit down, Glen. Who here– just by show of hands, who hates Glen? Right? [no one is raising hand] Everybody? One, to, three, infinity. Now, let the record that everyone raised their hands and everyone hates Glen. So print that. That’s your story. Next question, go.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yeah, I would like to ask about Steve Bannon’s role on the national security council.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, that’s a dumb question. that’s a stupid question. Sit down, Glen.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: My name is not Glen.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: I know your names. I’m just saying “Glen” like in a general Glen. It’s your word. It’s your word. Next, go.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, I’m also concerned about Steve Bannon. A lot of people are saying he’s the one behind the Muslim ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, alright, you guys still aren’t getting it. You need some props? My word’s too big, I got to show you in pictures? [Sean Spicer walks aside. There are two boxes.] Great. Here we go. When it comes to these decisions, the constitution [pulling out a huge paper out of one box] gives our president [pulling out Donald Trump’s picture] lots of power [pulling out an electric plug]. And Steve Bannon is the key [pulling out a huge key] advisor [pulling out a visor cap]. And our president will not [showing a rope knot] be deterred [pulling out fake poop]. In his fight against radical Muslims [pulling out a toy Moose and Lamb (moose-lamb)]. Now, does anybody else have any questions?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yeah. Wall Street Journal. Are you okay?

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Vanessa with it]

Sean Spicer: Take it! You take it! You cannot come at me like that. I will put you in the corner with CNN!

[Cut to Kyle inside bars wearing CNN ID card and diapers]

Kyle: [yelling] We’re not fake news!

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: You like that? You like that, dork? You like that, dork?

[Sean Spicer puts the podium back]

Everybody just cool out, alright? Obviously I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Betsy DeVos, okay? Our nominee for secretary of education. So we actually have her here today to field some few simple question, which I’m sure she’s capable of doing. Betsy!

[Betsy DeVos walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Hello. Thank you, yeah. Yes. The man?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Hi. I don’t think we ever got a clear answer on this. How do you value growth versus proficiency in measuring progress in students?

[Cut to Betsy DeVos]

Betsy DeVos: Okay, well, yes, I don’t know anything about school. But I do think there should be a school. Probably Jesus school. and I do think it should have walls and roof and gun for potential grizzly.

[Sean Spicer walks in and pushes Betsy DeVos out]

Sean Spicer: Thank you. that’s enough for now. Thank you. Um, I’ll accept one last question. I’ll take this loser.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I’ve got a question about the statement in White House released on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you think it was anti-semitic to not even mention the Jewish people in this statement? [Mikey is being water sprayed] What are you dong?

[Cut to Sean Spicer spraying water on Mikey using a water gun toy]

Sean Spicer: This is soapy water and I’m washing that filthy lying mouth out! First of all, how could the statement, a statement be anti-semitic? The guy who write it was super Jewy. Okay? And the fact is a lot of different people suffered in the holocaust, it wasn’t just Jews. It was also the Gypsies, the lesbies, and these other guys. That’s your word. Your word. That’s enough for today. Spicy’s got to go, bye-bye right now. Need a big-boy nap. Wake up up exactly one minute before tomorrow’s press conference. [pointing at the camera] And Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, that already happened.

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Mikey with it]

[cheers and applause]

[The End]

Welcome Video

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Customs Officer… Kate McKinnon

Visitor… Melissa Villaseñor

[Stars with video clips of US flag and iconic places from US]

[Cut to Cecily at the airport]

Cecily: Hello. Bonjour. Hola. Konichiwa. And welcome to the United States. As you’re waiting in line, this video will let you know what to expect and what is required to pass through US customs. We take our border very seriously. Be sure to pay attention and we’ll get you going as soon as po–

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Portions of this video have been recently edited.

Cecily:  Let’s go ove a few documents you’ll need. First, your completed customs form. You’ll lso need a valid passport from your country of origin.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Not including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan or Yemen. And maybe Australia. We’ll see.

Cecily: Our priority is to make this process easy for each and every one of you.

Oh wait, he’s good. Come on in, bud. [zooming to a kid] Aw, no.

Cecily: In addition, you may be asked to provide a few–

Male voice: Hundred.

Cecily: — simple–

Male voice: Confusing.

Cecily: Forms. If you need assistance, there will be someone–

Male voice: No one.

Cecily: — to help you. With all your forms filled out, proceed ahead–

Male voice: Also form C-9, F-12, and D-9B.

Cecily: — you’re almost done.

[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]

Male voice: Getting started. Effective immediately, all visitors will be subject to extreme vetting procedures including a highly detailed questionnaire. [Showing questionnaire with a question “Are you Muslim?”] We also need fingerprints, blood sample, urine sample, stool sample. And you will be required to eat a hot dog in front of us.

[phone ringing] Hello, yeah, it’s going- The video is coming along really well.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You can now approach the customs desk. When you reach the customs officer, she will–

Male voice: He will.

Cecily: — ask you a series of questions, such as-

Customs officer: What is the purpose of your visit?

Visitor: I’m here to see my mother. She is a–

Male voice: Terrorist.

Customs officer: What is your occupation?

Visitor: I am a certified nurse.

Male voice: Drug dealer.

Customs officer: Welcome to the United States.

Male voice: Go home please. Okay, I understand. Bye. America first.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Congratulations. And welcome to the United States. A land of opportunity from sea–

Male voice: Trump Tower.

Cecily: — to shining.

Male voice: To Trump Tower.

[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]

[phone ringing]

Judge blocked the ban? No! Please, I just made the whole video!

Vladimir Putin Cold Open

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video message]

Male voice: And now a paid message from the Russian Federation.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin in his office. He is not wearing any shirt.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, America. Yesterday we all made Donald Trump the 45th president of the United States. Hurray! We did it! Huh? And today, many of you are scared and marching in the streets. You are worried that your country is in the hands of this unpredictable man, but don’t worry. It’s not. [smirking] Relax! I got this. Put is going to make everything okay. I promise that we will take care of America. It’s the most expensive thing we’ve ever bought.

I know many of you Americans are skeptical of president Trump. Many Russians were skeptical of me at first too. But today, nobody ever seems to hear from any of them. It’s like, they’re gone. It always works out. So, why are American women protesting? Huh? In Russian, women have no reason to protest. Listen to this woman.

[Olya Povlatsky walks in with a piece of paper to read]

Olya Povlatsky: Hello, I am Olya, a Russian woman. I am so happy. Each day I wake up with big smile on my face like this. [making horrified face] Ah! I sleep in bed, not in carcass of dog. My president is number one hottie for all time.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa, whoa. That’s a lot, but it’s fair. Here you go. [Vladimir Putin pulls a fish out and gives it to Olya Povlatsky]

Olya Povlatsky: Wow! My pension.

[Olya Povlatsky runs out]

Vladimir Putin: Now, do I think your new president is perfect? Hah, perhaps not. But don’t worry. I will get him there. Donald, let’s talk as friends. You’re not off to a great start, man! I thought you’d be better at this. However, I’m glad to see so many people showed up to your inauguration.

[Cut to a huge crowd]

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Oh, wait. That’s the women’s march. Here is inauguration.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump’s inauguration crowd]

[Cut to Vladimir Putin shaking his head]

And today you went to the CIA and said 1 million people came to see you in Washington DC? If you’re going to lie, don’t make it so obvious. Say that you are friends with LeBron James, not that you are LeBron James.

And I saw your speech too. It was a little bleak, no? Trust me. I know bleak. I wake up every day and I’m in Russia. Also, your whole inauguration was kind of heavy on the god stuff, huh? I never heard you say god that much. And I have tapes of you having sex. What was with the outfit on Kellyanne Conway? Look?

[Cut to a picture of Kellyanne Conway wearing weird dress.]

I mean, does she work for you or is she holding the door for people at FAO Schwartz? I still love you, Kellyanne. Also a dear friend.

So listen, America. It’s going to be fine. Frankly, wouldn’t it be nice to have a good relationship between our countries again? Russia is leading exporter of so many things Americans need, like, oil, track suits and scary pornography. Hah? And who knows? One day your country could be as happy as we are here in Russian. We are not divided. [Olya Povlatsky is looking a Vladimir Putin from outside the window that’s behind Vladimir Putin] You know, like you. Because all our people are so glad for their freedom. So, America, it’s going to be a long four years for many of you. But remember, we are in this together. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kellyanne Conway

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome back to The Lead. We’re speaking with Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager turned white house counselor.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake.

Jake Tapper: President Trump said his first foreign trip may be to meet with Vladimir Putin. Isn’t that troubling?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no, it’s not. And the thing to remember about Russia is that we won and I don’t know why you keep bringing up the election.

Jake Tapper: I’m not. I’m talking about Russia. Doesn’t Trump’s relationship with Putin concern you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Actually what does concern me is that she didn’t go to Michigan and she lost and we won and we did win.

Jake Tapper: Oh my god, why do you do this?

Kellyanne Conway: Do what, Jake?

Jake Tapper: Com on here every single day and do this. What do you get out of this?

Kellyanne Conway: I love Trump. And I believe in Trump. And the reason I joined his campaign is because I thought he was going to be the president for all people.

Jake Tapper: Really? That’s really what you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Mm, yes, that’s what I thought.

Jake Tapper: And that’s all you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Well– [music starts playing] I guess if I’m being completely honest, Jake, I just also think–

[Kellyanne Conway starts dancing and singing]

[singing] The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be, “Conway”
the lady raking in the chips is gonna be Conway
I’m gonna be a celebrity
that means somebody everyone knows
they’re gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

Ooh, I’m gonna join sag

From just some dumb Blueberry farm I’m gonna be Conway
who says the lying’s not an art?
And when they google just okay
my name will come up before Kanye
Kellyanne Conway

[Cut back to the news set]

Jake Tapper: Now, Kellyanne, starting yesterday, you are now counselor to the president.

Kellyanne Conway: Mm-hmm. Yes, I am. I am that.

Jake Tapper: You have the president’s ear and a real opportunity to effect change in the White House.

[Kellyanne Conway looks surprised]

Kellyanne Conway: Oh my god, Jake, you’re right. Do you know what this means?

[singing] boys!

Boys: They’re gonna wait outside in line to get to see Conway
Kellyanne Conway: Think of those autographs I’ll sign, good luck to you

Boys: Conway!

Kellyanne Conway: An I’ll appear in a sleeveless dress on any show they’ll let me do

Boys: Meet the press, Anderson, Hannity, Fox & Friends

Kellyanne Conway: And if they I’ll do ‘The Chew’
Ooh, I’m a star
and the audience loves me and I love them
and they love me for loving them
and I love them for loving me
and we love each other

Hey, know what’s weird?
This time last year, I supported Ted Cruz
I said Donald Trump acted unpresidential
It’s on tape.

But hey, that’s show biz, Kel

Boys: She’s giving up her humdrum life

Kellyanne Conway: I’m gonna be Conway

Boys: She treats the news just like a play

Kellyanne Conway: And when the world goes up in flames
at least for now they knew my name
Kellyanne Conway

Attorney Ad

Lisa Broderick… Kate McKinnon

Jeremy Ganz… Bobby Moynihan

Aziz Ansari

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa Villaseñor

Bill… Pete Davidson

[Starts with ad video bumper]

Female voice: [singing] Broderick and Gans, injury attorneys for you.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz in their office]

Lisa Broderick: Hi, I’m Lisa Broderick.

Jeremy Ganz: And I’m Jeremy Ganz.

Lisa Broderick: Have you been injured in an accident? Talk to us. [Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz pointing at the camera] We’ll get you the money you deserve.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: After my accident, Jeremy Ganz got me a settlement of $6,000.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Lisa Broderick got me $1.7 million.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Bill: Thanks to Lisa Broderick, we were awarded $2 million.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Wait. Those guys got how much?

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: We’ve got your back. I Lisa Broderick have 14 years of law experience and I graduated top of my class at Yale.

Jeremy Ganz: And I am also a lawyer.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: I burned my tongue on hot coffee. Thanks to Lisa Broderick, I don’t have to work anymore.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Melissa: Bill sprained his ankle at the mall.

Bill: And now we’re set for life.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Cement truck crashed into my living room and dumped cement all over me. I was trapped in concrete for three days. The firemen had to chisel me out. Now that I think about it, $6,000 seems pretty light given the severity of this accident. I’m not sure Ganz did a good job here.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: As a lawyer, I love having a personal connection with my clients.

Jeremy Ganz: My favorite part about being a lawyer is that there is a real live policemen in the courtroom. You can’t touch his gun, but you can see it.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: He did touch his gun. And it definitely affected the case.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer: Lisa was smart, professional and answered all my questions.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Bill: Lisa came to our home every day and drove us to the courthouse.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Dud! Ganz showed up to court an hour late, wearing two different New Balance sneakers. At one point, I’m pretty sure he called me ‘your honor’.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Jeremy Ganz: You know, people always ask us how in god’s name did you become partners?

Lisa Broderick: Well, I first me Jeremy Ganz when he generously gave my father his kidney.

Jeremy Ganz: And then she hired me when I gave her husband my other kidney.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: This guy is walking around with no kidneys? That explains why he kept going cross-eyed and blacking out.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Melissa: I guess you could say Lisa was a bulldog in the courtroom.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: One time after he blacked out, I had to present my own evidence. I had a video of the whole crash. But when I showed it in court, Ganz had recorded over it with his audition for that TV show ‘Naked and Afraid’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: When Broderick gave her closing argument, the judge and jury actually applauded.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: After mine was over, Ganz followed back to my hotel and asked to borrow five of my $6,000. When I said no, he locked himself in my bathroom and called squatter’s rights. I had to hire another lawyer to evict him. I am in so much debt right now.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: At Broderick and Gans, we will never stop fighting… for you.

Jeremy Ganz: That’s right. And oh-oh, I’m blacking out!

[Cut to Broderick & Ganz video bumper]

Theatre Donor

Terry Henry… Vanessa Bayer

Albie Durberry… Mikey Day

Keely… Felicity Jones

Jack… Beck Bennett

Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Terry Henry announcing the opening of a theater]

Terry Henry: Good evening. I’m Terra Henry, Artistic Director here at the brand new Albie Durberry Theater.  [applause] This is all possible, thanks to one incredible generous donor who joins us this evening, Mr. Albie Durberry, who turned a 106 years young this month. [applause] I know that leaving your house is quite an ordeal, sir. And we are so grateful for the effort both you and your nurse Keely put in to join us.

[Albie Durberry tries to stand. Keely holds and helps him]

Keely: He wanted to say something.

Albie Durberry: For the amount of money I spent, this play better be good.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Terry Henry: And now, the world premier of “The Rainstorm.”

[The lights dim and the play starts. There’s a coat hanger. Jack and Genevieve walk in.]

Jack: The train was a zoo. I almost didn’t get a seat.

Genevieve: Ah!

Jack: And how was your day?

Genevieve: Quiet.

Albie Durberry: Keely! What’s this play about?

Keely: Shh, we’ll find out.

Jack: Oh, wonderful. Another evening of Genevieve in a melancholy haze. What is it now, darling?

Genevieve: Just leave me along, Jack.

Albie Durberry: Keely! I can’t hear them.

Jack: All you ever do is cry anymore.

Albie Durberry: What?

Jack: Why couldn’t you be a happy drunk?

Albie Durberry: Who?

Keely: Shh.

Genevieve: What is that supposed to mean?

Jack: I’m– I’m sorry.

[beep beep]

Keely: It’s time for you yogurt.

Albie Durberry: Now? I hate that horrid paste.

Genevieve: Don’t be. You’re angry. I’m jealous. [Keely is feeding Albie Durberry yogurt behind]  You feel something. I feel nothing lately. No life has become as gray as the– [Albie Durberry is trying his best not to eat yogurt] — clouds I see out of the window.

[Keely puts yogurt in Albie Durberry’s mouth forcefully. Albie Durberry spits it all out.]

Albie Durberry: I’m not an infant. I can feed myself.

Keely: No. You’ll make a mess.

[Albie Durberry throws everything away]

[looking at other audiences] I’m so sorry sir, are we disturbing you?

Kenan: Yes, very much.

[Jack is trying to cheer Genevieve up.]

Jack: There, cheer up. Dance with me, Genevieve like we used to.

[Jack and Genevieve start dancing]

God, it feels like yesterday.

[Jack and Genevieve start humming]

[warning alert]

Keely: Sir, I need to disinfect your chair.

Albie Durberry: Make it quick, Keeley, I’m enjoying the play.

[Albie Durberry’s wheelchair makes loud noise and is spraying something]

Jack: [shouting so everyone can listen] Come to bed! Come to bed! [Albie Durberry’s wheelchair stops making noise] Come to bed with me. I haven’t touched you in so long.

Genevieve: I– I can’t.

Jack: Christ, Genevieve, you are my wife.

Genevieve: Well, what do you want me to do?

Wheelchair robot: Change medical stockings.

[Keely is trying to change medical stockings]

Albie Durberry: No! No, Keely, you’ll make a scene. No, don’t change my socks. [Keely is trying it forcefully] Keely!

Keely: I need to change your therapeutic socks.

Albie Durberry: No. You’ll make a scene, Keely.

Keely: Or you won’t get your caramel candy after supper.

Albie Durberry: No, not my caramel, Kelly! No! No!

[Keely is making Albie Durberry change]

Genevieve: The truth is Jack isn’t a bad man. He provides, he’s kind, most nights.

Albie Durberry: No! No!

Genevieve: Faithful, I think. And he’d be a wonderful father but I don’t– I don’t love him. I’ve never said that before.

Keely: Can you hold his toes still?

Kenan: I’d rather not, but okay.

[Kenan stands and holds Albie Durberry’s body]

Albie Durberry: Keely! This man is attacking me.

Keely: Catch him and hold stiff.

Albie Durberry: No, I need to leave. Goodbye. Come with me. Bye, you crazy man.

Keely: No!

[Albie Durberry starts moving away. His wheelchair is electric.]

Albie Durberry: Oh! Come with me, Keely! Come with me!

Keely: Mr. Durberry! Mr. Durberry!

[phone ringing]

I’m so sorry.

[It’s Kenan’s phone.]

Kenan: Sorry.

Jack: Come on, man! We’re trying to do a play up here. Insane!

The Princess and the Curse

Aidy Bryant

Maleficent… Kate McKinnon

Princess… Felicity Jones

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy holding a baby in a dark stormy night.]

Aidy: Oh! Hush, little one. Don’t cry. You’re a princess and no one can ever hurt you.

[Maleficent walks in]

No!

Maleficent: Pleased to make your acquaintance, your majesty. I brought you a gift.

Aidy: Not the curse!

Maleficent: [thundering] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Aidy: No!

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

[Cut to 18 years later]

[Princess is looking into a water fountain. Prince walks in.]

Prince: Princess Viola.

Princess: My prince. I’ve missed you so but you must leave. It’s almost dark.

Prince: But why do you always make me go.

Princess: Don’t ask me all these questions, my prince.

Prince: Well then let me ask you this one. [Prince gets on his knee] Princess viola, will you be my bride?

Princess: Oh, Prince Benedict, nothing would bring more joy. But I have a terrible secret. If you knew, you’d never want to see me again.

Prince: Nonsense.

Princess: You see, my love, shortly after my birth, I was cursed by an evil sorceress.

Prince: No curse could keep me from loving you.

Princess: As soon as the night falls, I become something else. I– I transform.

Prince: [laughing] What do you become? A beast? An Ogre? Whatever it is, I will always love you.

Princess: You swear?

Prince: I swear upon a thousand lifetimes that I will love you till the day I die.

Princess: Well, okay. I become– me, but 15 pounds heavier. I’m so relieved to hear you don’t care.

Prince: Uh-huh.

Princess: That I’ll be your’s and you’ll be mine forever.

Prince: Umm.

Princess: Is that a problem?

Prince: Well, of course not, my dear. There are much more horrid creatures you could become. Just… 15 pounds where?

Princess: What?

Prince: Like, is it just in your butt or is there some in your boobs?

Princess: No, it’s kind of all over.

Prince: Got it.

Princess: Some people say I look better with the 15 pounds.

Prince: Oh, like, your friends? Or girls? Oh, dang! I just realized I have a thing until the end of time.

Princess: I knew it. I’ve lost you.

[thundering]

[Maleficent appears in the woods]

Maleficent: There is one way to break the spell, but in order to do so, you must make a sacrifice, dear prince.

Prince: I will do anything if it frees the princess form the terrible curse.

Maleficent: At night, you will lose one quarter of an inch from your penis.

Prince: No!

Princess: Yeah, no. We can’t afford to lose that.

Maleficent: Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]