Tag: Kate McKinnon

Don’t Stop Me Now | Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 21

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant… Sarah Sanders

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]

Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]

Donald Trump: hank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing the democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride, America, because tonight, well,

[music playing]

Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time.

[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]

Melania Trump: He feels alive.

Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!

[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]

Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy

Melania Trump and Mike Pence:  So don’t stop him now

Everybody: Don’t stop him

cause he’s having a good time

having a good time

[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]

Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society

you can’t subpoena him

he’s gonna obstruct

Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns

He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you

Donald Trump: I’m burning every page

picking every fight

Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice

cause he listen to the Fox News guys

Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having such a good time

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!

Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

you wanna huge distraction

[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]

Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

We don’t wanna stop at all.

[Clarence Thomas comes in]

Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the votes now

women are screwed

[Clarence Thomas leaves]

Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no

All men are still in control

Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now

Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones

and he lives in a big glass house

He cheated on every spouse

Mike Pence: I want to make a chik-fil-a man out of you

[Rudy Giuliani joins]

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall.

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it

[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]

Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah

Donald Trump: One tweet at a time.

Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys

that’s why most of them are serving time

Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you

[music stops]

Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys.

Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too.

Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead.

[music playing]

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music

it’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight

[music stops]

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]

Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction.

[music playing]

So, don’t stop me now

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: we’re having such a good time

Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us

we’re having a good time

we don’t want to stop at all

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies.

[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine.

Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America.

[Cut to Everybody]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

A Journey Through Time | Season 44 Episode 21

Dr. Markowitz… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Handly … Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Dex … Paul Rudd

Miss Rafferty … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Markowitztalking in a meeting]

Dr. Markowitz: Thank you all for coming. I’m Dr. Markowitzwith NASA and this is Dr. Handly with the institute for temporal anomalies.

Dr. Handly: We’re obviously very interested in your story as you were the first three people to have experienced a verified time travel event.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Cecily Strong: This is bananas. I mean, we were just three buds watching TV and now, we’re quantum pioneers.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Now please tell us how this time portal appeared.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Well, I got a free one month trial to the Showtime channel. We was watching Ray Donovan, and I’m a fan, I’m a sucker for conflicted heroes, good person, bad deeds, that dichotomy is very rich to me.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Yes, wonderful sir. But if you could focus on the time travel.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Uh, right, yeah, well, me and her, we was on the couch when this glowing majestic gateway appeared and we drifted into it and we found ourselves in a gorgeous city made entirely of crystal or something.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, and we were welcomed by a group of people made up for just all the races of the world and they said, “We are the council of humanity, this is the future.” It was so beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: And you, miss Rafferty?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Miss Rafferty:  Yeah, a little different for me. I must have been on the wrong side of the portal or something, because I wasn’t so much welcomed to the future as I was violently sucked a million years into the past. I went to caveman times, man. Got yanked so hard, my sweats and my sneaks stayed in the present. So I land ass up face down in the mud with my cooter and tooter on full display. And I’m thinking, “Last time I was in this position, I got kicked out of Woodstock 99.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: And were there people there to welcome you as well?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: ‘People’ is such a strong word. You know on the evolution chart where you see how the monkeys became human? These guys hadn’t hit the halfway mark yet.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Let’s focus on what happened in the future.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: Well, the Council of Humanity showed us their city.

Dex: Yeah, it was beautiful. I would have wept but I was all cried out from watching ‘Nurse Jackie’ on showtime.

Cecily Strong: It’s probably enough of Showtime stuff Dex.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: You know, these two are walking around Wakanda, meanwhile, where I’m at, it’s the rise of the planet of the apes. [Cut to Miss Rafferty] Because all 50 of these hairy naked monkey people are swarming at me and they start rubbing me with their butts. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the business end of 50 balloon knots, but it ain’t exactly a Tuscan sunset.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Perhaps this was some sort of primitive religious ritual?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Buddy, god had no part in this. They were marking me with their scent. And these guys weren’t exactly zestfully clean. They zebra striped my T-shirt so much, I looked like a foot locker employee. But hey, it’s never easy making new friends, right?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Noted. And what happened next in the future?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: We was taken to this place called the Oculus and inside was all these gateways to other solar systems.

Dex: Yeah, yeah. And in each one was a planet they had colonized. I couldn’t believe I was chosen to witness this.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Well, I too was chosen. Chosen by the alpha female to be her new girlfriend. She comes at me like a silverback, right? Ragdolls me. And look, I really ain’t into ladies but if nothing else is open, I’ll eat at a taco bell. You smell what I’m saying?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz:  Yes, I think I do.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Right, all right. So anyway, this gal wants to bond, right?

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

[Miss Rafferty stand up and goes behind Dex]

Do you mind, Dex? She climbs on my back, right, she starts picking at me, looking for stuff to eat. [Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.] And unfortunately she’s finding a buffet. So, I guess the snack got her in the mood because then she starts like grinding into my head. Trying to mate with my hair, I guess. She’s using my face for like a handhold. Then she goes back to eating, climbs around the front and sees my ear, which I guess she thinks is some kind of vending machine because she’s just—[Miss Rafferty starts licking and sucking Dex’s ear] She’s candling but there ain’t no wax. Okay. Then for the grand finale she reaches down, she pops a finger up her keester like it’s her second date or something. And I’m like, “Hey, curious Georgina, last person to try that never saw his wedding ring again.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Yes. Thank you for that.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.]

Miss Rafferty: No problem. And thank you, Dex.

Dex: Your jeans rug burned my neck.

Miss Rafferty: Oh yeah? Poor you, I got bushed, smushed by a cave woman. You’ll live.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Now, how were you all brought back to the present?

Cecily Strong: Umm, well, the portal opened up beside us and the council said, “When fear is replaced by trust, your world will begin to change.” Then we were home.

Dex: Yeah. It was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Right up there with getting that email that said you’ve been selected for a free month of the Showtime channel.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: See, that’s piss in my porridge because when I dove in the portal to get home, still pantsless, mind you, I landed downward dog in a grand Hyatt bar room with my Casino with my bean burrito right up in Barry Levine’s face.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Who is Barry Levine?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: A young man who’s never going to forget his Bar Mitzvah. That’s who.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: All right. We would like to take you all for a medical exam.

[Cut to everybody]

Miss Rafferty: Hey, it might be a problem. I got a zero health insurance]

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.

Actress Scene | Season 44 Episode 20

Reese Dewhat… Kenan Thompson

Anna Maxine-Flint… Barbara… Kate McKinnon

Hatty Smirs … Midge … Emma Thompson

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Narrator: You’re watching cinema classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese Dewhat in his set]

Reese Dewhat: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewhat. And Dewhat’s up, everybody? Tonight we take a look at the 1953 classic ‘Always be sisters’, starring long-time Hollywood rivals [Cut to picture of Anna and Hatty] Anna Maxine-Flint and Hatty Smirs. [Cut to Reese] ‘Always be sisters’ was hailed as a Triumph of cinema by the marketing team and a piece of real-time stinko by everybody else. Perhaps because both actresses had it written into their contract that they would have the last word in every scene. But that would only be a guess, and as has been established, I am a terrible guesser. Just ask my wife, who asked me to guess that she made for dinner, to which I replied, ‘Mistakes’? Worst mother’s day ever. Let’s watch a scene now and see if you can spot the actresses trying to cleverly get the last word in.

[Cut to the movie scene. Barbara is combing her hair.]

[The door knocks]

Barbara: Come in.

[Midge walks in the door]

Midge: Hello, Barbara.

[Cut to Barbara stands up]

Barbara: Midge. I’m surprised to see you here. Opening night, no less.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Well, I wanted to see the damn thing before it closed.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Well, thanks for wishing me good luck.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I didn’t.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh, Mean. Well, seems like there’s nothing more to be said but good-bye.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Indeed.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Agreed.

Midge: Sure.

Barbara: Okey-dokey.

Midge: Yes. And once I leave, it’s the end.

Barbara: Well, [Cut to Barbara] if I didn’t know better I would say you were trying to get the last word in. Which is kind of my thing.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Midge: Guilty.

Barbara: Guilty as they come.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Then I better call my lawyer.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: And your lawyer better call his lawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Too many lawyers. That makes lawyer soup.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Lawyer, lawyer pants on fawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I guess all that can follow that is silence. Good-bye, old friend.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch. Mitch leaves the room in a hurry.]

Barbara: [Barbara spreads her arms and starts singing]

For love conquers all

[Mitch enters the room again]

Midge: I forgot my purse.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You weren’t carrying a purse.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I forgot my lamp. And cut.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You can’t call cut. What are you, a director?

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Why, do you want to sleep with me?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Why are you a—

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: All right, you say the last line and we’ll be done with it. I don’t  care. I never cared.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Fine.

Midge: Good.

Barbara: Job.

Midge: He–

Barbara: Said–

Midge: To–

Barbara: The–

Midge: Mud hound store.

Barbara: No. That makes no sense.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: That makes about as much sense as you saying the last line. [Cut to Barbara and Mitch] I’m running.

Barbara:  I’m running. I’m running.

[Barbara and Mitch both leave the room]

[Both of them enter the room again]

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: I’m talking, foreskin. Tarantula.

Barbara: That’s it. Okay. Fade to black. Credit’s roll. MGM Lion. Roar.

Midge: The end, the end.

[Alex enters the room]

Alex Moffat: Places. Time for places.

[Mitch pushed Alex out of the room]

Midge: Loo,  Barbara. I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s enough sky in the sky for both of our stars to shine. Besides –

Barbara and Midge: We’ll always be sisters.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

[Cut to Reese]

Reese Dewhat: And they were never heard from again. What? That’s not right? Well, who wrote these notes? Tony? What happened to Mitch? Arrested? For what? Well, who did he expose? Oh, his own self. Where? My dressing room? Well, then I need to switch. Why not? Well, she can move for “Cinema Classics”, I have been Reese De’what!

[Ends with outro]

 

Continuity Errors | Season 44 Episode 20

Frank Parisi… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Belle… Ego Nwodim

Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Matthew… Alex Moffat

Marriot… Cecily Strong 

Lady Grantham… Emma Thompson

Pizza guy… Chris Redd

[Start’s with a program’s intro]

[Cut to Frank in his set]


Frank Parisi: Hello. I’m Frank Parisi and welcome to Wait a Second, That Shouldn’t Be There. The show where we look at some of the biggest continuity errors in Hollywood history. You may have seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Where they accidentally included a shot of [Cut to a picture of Game of Thrones’ scene] Daenery’s sitting next to a modern Starbucks cup.

[Cut to Frank]

There has been even more glaring errors over the years that somehow went unnoticed. See if you can spot anything weird in this classic scene from the 2016 remake of “Roots”.

[Cut to a scene from Roots]

Kenan Thompson: You have to understand, Belle, this is just the way things are.

Belle: But it’s not how things have to be. We can change the present. And the future.

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a box of White Castle Crave case behind him]
Kenan Thompson: Girl, that kind of thinking is going to get you killed, Belle. You’ve got to let go of them silly dreams.

[Cut to Belle. She is holding a ‘Big Gulo’ smoothie cup in her hand.]

Belle: If we don’t have dreams, then we have nothing. You were the one that taught me that. [Belle slurps the smoothie]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: Did you notice the Slurpee? Somehow the editor did not. And somehow, no one caught these little booboos in 1998. “Shakespeare in love” either.

[Cut to a scene from Shakespeare in love]

Thomas: Well, there’s something I need you to know. Something I’ve kept from you.

[Cut to Mikey. Mikey takes Sun chips out and eats eats.]
Mikey Day: What is it, Thomas?

[Cut to Thomas]

Thomas: I’m actually not who I say I am. Would you like to see the real me? [Thomas turns around and opens his shirt]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: My stars. Thomas is a girl. Me thinks I have an idea for a new play. [Mikey opens his MacBook]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: You might ask how did they miss all those errors? Well, keep in mind, everyone was distracted because just off camera, Harvey Weinstein was masturbating into a plant. Check out this subtle screw-up from season two of ‘Downton Abbey’.

[Cut to a scene from Downton Abbey]

Matthew: Marriot, I want to stay by your side but the great war is upon us.

[Cut to Marriot. She is wearing a dinner napkin.]

Marriot: We’re all at war, Matthew. Not just the men fighting in the trenches.

[Cut to Matthew. He is wearing ‘2017’ goggles.]

Matthew: But I love you, Mary. Don’t you understand? [A woman clears her throat] Oh, lady Grantham, we didn’t hear you come in.

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is wearing a beats headphone.]
Lady Grantham: Yes. I can be very quiet. Unlike most people in this house.

[Cut to Matthew]

Matthew: People forgive me, my lady. Is there anything we can help you with?

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is also wearing a soda hat now.]

Lady Grantham: Well, in order to help you’d have to have a modicum of skill, wouldn’t one?

[Pizza delivery guy walks in]

Pizza guy: I’ve got a large mushroom pie for a name Maggie Smith.

Lady Grantham: Just call me Mags. I have a coupon.

Pizza guy: Oh, I’m sorry. That promotion is over. [Pizza guy leaves with the pie]

Lady Grantham: Son of a bitch.

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: I think that pizza guy’s a star. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll look at famous scene from Jurassic Park. There’s something you might have missed. Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap]

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.

Meet the Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 20

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, I’m Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. [Cheers and applause] I hope you like my bangs. Something new I’m trying for the summer. With me today is the senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Overjoyed to be here.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator from Maine Susan Collins.

[Cut to Susan Collins]

Susan Collins: I’m here, and I have a lot to say. Unless someone else wants to speak.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And Senate Judiciary Chariman and the GOP’s latest badboy, Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsay Graham: I’m sorry, kids out there. But it is an f-ing honor, Chuck.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: Okay. This week President Trump has escalated his trade war with China. It’s estimated that this will coast the country $1.4 trillion in market value. Now, you all have opposed tariffs in the past. Do you all support the president’s Tariffs now some.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, Chuck, there’s a simple answer to that. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, but I’m asking you about China.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Yeah-huh. Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Let’s try Lindsey Graham. After opposing Tariffs for decades, why do you suddenly support them from president Trump?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  Chuck, listen. When you have a president who’s a financial genius and business Jesus like Donald Trump, you’ve just got to trust him. This man has lost 100 times more money than I’ve ever made.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: You’ve done a complete 180 on the president, even after calling him a jackass during the campaign?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Chuck, listen, I am a man of convictions and principles. Unless he can help me. And then it’s new Lindsey, who dis?

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, how does it make you feel to see the president just unilaterally doing what he wants?

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Chuck, I’ll be the first to admit that some of the things this administration is doing makes me want to shake my head vigorously and wag my finger once. Perhaps twice.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Which brings to us this week’s topic. What would it take for president Trump to lost your support? I’m going to give you guys some hypothetical scenarios and you tell me if any of them would be enough for the president to lose your support.

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Well, you just bring it on, Chuck, because if you think Susan Collins is a pushover, well, then you’ve got another–

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: All right, scenario one. Robert Mueller testifies before congress and says he believes Trump committed obstruction of justice. Do you still support him?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, we need a leader that’s willing to do what he’s got to do to win.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  That’s absolutely right. See, the best way to uphold the law is to be above it, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he says Trump colluded with the Russians?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Well, I’d have to write a strongly worded email and send it straight to my draft folder.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Next hypothetical. What if the president admits that he’s not as religious as he claims?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha. Well, if you don’t already know that, that’s kind of on you, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: He’s not even Christian. He’s Jewish.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Even better, that’s great for Isreal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: You know, I can think of another great man who was Jewish. Jesus Christ–

[Cut to everybody]

Susan Collins: [Interrupting] Sammy Davis Jr. What if you found out president Trump was a Muslim?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Muslim? Oh, just the thought of that makes me want to stress eat. [Takes a vegetable leaf out and takes a bite of it]

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. You listen, you wait just a minute, Chuck. What kind of Muslim are we talking about? Are we talking about like Dr. OZ?

[Cut to Chuck and Lindsey]

Chuck Todd:  I mean like Louis Farrakhan.

Lindsay Graham: But, do we still get those tax cuts?

Chuck Todd: You do.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. Well, then I guess it’s Salam Aleikhem brother president.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, next scenario. What if Donald Trump divorced his wife Melania?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Love can be a tricky thing.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And he leaves her for Stormy Daniels.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, that would actually make more sense because that’s a hot girl.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: How about Kathy Griffin?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Kooky redhead? I get it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he leaves her for Alexandria Ocasio Cortez?

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, no.

Lindsay Graham: That fool!

Susan Collins: That’s – No.

Chuck Todd: And he also pledges to love, honor and enact her green new deal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Now, that just crosses the line. There are some things you can’t forget.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So he would lose your support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: He would not.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: I would show up to the wedding but not before I mumbled a strong rebuke quietly into my lean cuisine.

Chuck Todd: Okay, what if the president gave you’re your personal cell phone number to thousands of strangers who then harassed you and sent death threats causing you to get rid of your phone?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, Chuck, I do have to disqualify myself because back in 2015 the president actually did that to me.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Yeah, I know. I was just seeing if you remember. Okay. Let’s say Trump open hand slaps you in the face. What would you say then?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Hareder, daddy.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, you support Roe V. Wade.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Yes, I sure do. Yeah. \

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if the president declared that life begins not at conception but at erection?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Oh, please. I have been a vocal champion of women’s rights for over 30 years. That would be the most outrageous, ridiculous thing that I’d ever—I’m definitely voting for it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So, there’s absolutely nothing president Trump could do to lose you support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: No, no. I wouldn’t say that. Let’s say hypothetically, he got gay married.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Yeah. To the leader of ISIS.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: And they had matching diapers fashioned out of the original constitution.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: That may be—who are we kidding? We’ll always be ride or die bitches.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: I guess there’s nothing left to say but—Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update: Senator Elizabeth Warren on College Debt Forgiveness | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren recently unveiled the plan to eliminate student loan debt and make public colleges free. Here to comment is Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Senator Elizabeth Warren joins]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Hi, Colin. I’m so glad to be here. Hey, how are you?

Colin Jost: Okay. So senator, you rolled out some very ambitious new plans.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. I guess.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

I guess I’m setting myself apart from the other candidates by saying what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. Whoa, what a crackpot idea.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Yes, yes. Well, people have been very excited about your college debt plan.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, you’re damn right, Colin.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

When I went to college in Oklahoma, it was affordable. It cost $2.5 a semester. My dorm was an empty grain silo. And I got a scholarship for playing varsity hoop and stick. Look, College debt forgiveness is essential. I wish I could be forgiven for what I did in college. But that squirrel family was there, and I already had a broth going.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: All right. Well–

Elizabeth Warren: We fought.

Colin Jost: Yeah, sounds like you really valued education.

Elizabeth Warren: Of course, I do. You know, all I ever wanted was to be was a teacher, [Cut to Elizabeth] because back then smart girls could be three things. A teacher, a nurse who gets kissed on the street by a soldier, or a dead mother of eight.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: And do you think that all of your proposals are going to help set you apart from some of these other candidates?
Elizabeth Warren: Well, I sure hope so. Look, Colin, [Cut to Elizabeth] I mean, what a frickin clown car I found myself in. I’m over here working round the clock to give you free college but look at that, beto o’dork did parkour in a Starbucks. Wow. Whoops, I just figured out university pre-k, but what’s that over there, mayor Pete Bugugagudiguge playing piano and speaking fluent Klingon. I know as a democrat I’m not supposed to say this, but speak English. Frick!

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

We’re going to have a fight.

Colin Jost: No, no. Settle down, Senator. And now, what about now that Joe Biden is now officially running too?

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. Great! Everyone make room for good old Joe, the Amtrak masseuse. What a hero.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Look, Colin, if I lose, I’ma still be fighting in the US senate and where will old Joe be? Sitting on Rehoboth beach, reading a Tom Clancy novel, picking salt water taffy out of his veneers.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

And that’s a fight. That’s a good fight.

Colin Jost: And senator, you were also the first candidate to call for Trump’s impeachment.

Elizabeth Warren: Look, duh, Colin, okay. ‘Cause nobody’s above the law.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Impeachment is this guy’s middle name. That and jackass. But all the other democrats are still concerned with decorum. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, and we’re politely waiting in line for the bathroom. Who cares? Just go ahead, America, stick your ass over the rail and go.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: I will be VP. Thank you, sir.

Romano Tours | Season 44 Episode 19

Joe Romano… Adam Sandler

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of Italian architecture and food]

Joe Romano: Culture. History. Spaghetti. These are things of a country called Italia. Hello, [Cut to Joe in his set] I’m Joe Romano from Romano tours. For two generations my family has provided high quality tours of Italy to people from all over the world. But mostly Long Island and Jersey.

[Cut to Alex and Kate. There’s a tag of ‘Real Customers’ at the bottom.]

Alex Moffat: We saw all of it in a bus. We ate everyday incredible.

Kate McKinnon: I got to look at the pope and he even told me happy birthday. Thanks, Romano tours.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Romano: Explore the old country with our award winning ten day vacation package. [Cut to video clip of Venice] See Venice, the city of wetness. [Cut to video clip of Leaning tower of Pisa] Point and laugh at the tower of Pisa. [Cut to Aidy and Kenan playing with dough] And play with some dough in Napoli. [Cut to Joe] People love us. But, every so often, a customer leaves a review that they were disappointed or didn’t have as much fun as they thought. So here at Romano tours, we always remind our customers, if you’re sad now, you might still feel sad there, okay? Do you understand? That makes sense? Our tours will take you to the most beautiful places on Earth. [Cut to video clip of Amalfi coast] Hike to cliffs off the Amalfi coast. Fish with the nets in Sorrento. [Cut to video clip of a woman yoga posturing] Do this, I don’t know.

[Cut to Joe] But remember, you’re still going to be you on vacation. If you are sad where you are, and then you get on a plane to Italy, the you in Italy will be the same sad you from before. Just in a new place. Does that make sense? There’s a lot a vacation can do. Help you unwind. See some different looking squirrels. But it cannot fix deeper issues like how you behave in group settings or your general baseline mood. That’s a job for incremental lifestyle changes sustained over time.

[‘Can’ and ‘Cannot’ chart appears in the screen]

I want to be very clear about what we can do for you. We can take you on a hike. We cannot turn you into someone who likes hiking. We can take you to the Italian Rivera. We cannot make you feel comfortable in a bathing suit. We can provide the zip line. We cannot give you the ability to say Whee and mean it. You’re not your sister.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan enjoying wine]

We can provide you with a wine tasting tour of Tuscany. [Cut to Aidy drinking whole glass of wine at once] We cannot change why your drink. Or the person you become when you do, okay? [Cut to Joe] I’m sorry, but it’s true. And our friendly tour guides are happy to take your picture, but remember, the pictures of you [Cut to Aidy and Kenan posing for a picture] are going to have you in them. And if you don’t like how you look back home, [Cut to Joe] it’s not going to get any better on Gondola.

[Cut to Alex and Kate. There’s a tag of ‘They saw the Vatican’ at the bottom.]

Kate McKinnon: Right before we went in the Vatican, he took my face in his hands and he said, if you feel bad about yourself in a church back home, the Vatican is 100% wall to wall church.

Alex Moffat: So, we went for 20 minutes and then we went back to the hotel and watched ‘Paddington 2’.

Kate McKinnon: The best.

Alex Moffat: Love the Vatican.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Romano: This may sound rude, but I’m trying to temper expectations. I hate seeing people beat themselves up on my tours, it really gets to me. And please, if you and your partner are having trouble connecting, we guarantee our tour will not help. If you don’t want to touch each other at home, be reminded, in Italy you’ll have those same bodies and thoughts. Look, a day is long time to feel happy for all of it. Most of us get 45 minutes if we’re lucky. And that’s our motto at Romano tours.

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Romano Tours.

Last Call with Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Letser… Adam Sandler

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

Melba Toast… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth.]

Bartender: All right everybody, last call. So you bar flies either need to find a place to lay your eggs or fly home to your dumps.

Bernie Letser: Not so fast, bartender. [Cut to Bernie] I think I’ll have one more Hot Toddy.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ll have a Pinot gris ho. That’s a dry red with a potato skin floater. I’m not driving. Not with this. [Sheila shows her heels] He went to Jared.

[Cut to Bartender, Bernie and Sheila]

Bartender: Oh, my god, just drink ‘em and git. I got to find a church that’s still open.

[Bartender leaves]

Bernie Letser: Well, well, well. Spring has sprung and it looks like there’s one little daisy sucking up the last of this stinking by water.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow, well, you know what they say, April showers bring memories of that shower I had in April. I’m Sheila Sauvage. [Sheila puts her arm on Bernie’s shoulder] You can remember that because if you shake up the letters, it spells shallow veg.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Yes, hello. You got the number of CDC? I want to report two new viruses.

[Cut to Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: You know my name, Fella, what about you? What’s on your apartment buzzer?

Bernie Letser: Other than the notice from animal control that ways we’ll try again tomorrow. It says Bernie Letser.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. When I first saw you I was like, not for a million dollars. Now I’m like, I’ll do it for five. You got to show me the five first.

Bernie Letser: Well, I’m packing five if you measure from my head.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh!

[Melba joins]

Melba Toast: He’s right. It’s an Inny when it’s hard. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] Hi, I’m his wife, Melba Letser Toast. Is this our third? She’s human, right?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. I didn’t see you there. I thought you were an eye floater.

Melba Toast: Oh, it’s not your fault. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] I was on the floor.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, yeah? Were you doing business or looking for gum?

Melba Toast: Actually neither. My colostomy bag got caught in the jukebox and things went south from there. Am I turning you on?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: No baby.

Sheila Sauvage: You know, god must have spent a little more time on you, cause there are so many ideas going on here.

Melba Toast: Well, you should know, we’re poly.

Sheila Sauvage: Amorous?

Melba Toast: Cystic. Lots of Cysts.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Here’s looking at you, kid. [Bartender puts a dynamite in his mouth and lights it]

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: So how shall we start this little ménage a toilet? Double 69?

Sheila Sauvage: Maybe we start with a Seven11, that’s where we all get in bed and roll around like old hot dogs and not touch each other.

Melba Toast: Well. We’re on board. [Melba supports her breasts with her hands and puts it on the booth. It sounds very heavy.]

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Just get your gross on already.

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: You heard the man.

Sheila Sauvage: All right. Hang on. I want to be fresh here. Excuse me.

[Sheila takes a cleaner spray out and sprays in her mouth]

[Sheila then sprays in Melba’s mouth]

[Sheila and Melba start kissing badly, licking each other’s mouths]

[Sheila then sprays in Bernie’s mouth]

[Sheila wipes Melba’s face with a wiper and starts kissing Bernie badly]

Bernie Letser: Well, I just had an orgasm.

[Sheila wipes her own face with a wiper]

Melba Toast: I didn’t finish but I am done.

Sheila Sauvage: I’m wet but it’s definitely just sweat from my butt. All right. Well, since we’re all dogs, I guess there’s just one thing to do. Let’s lady and the Tramp this sucker. Hey, bar keep, is this spaghetti still in the garbage?

[Bartender brings up the garbage and give them the spaghetti]

Bartender: It absolutely is.

Sheila Sauvage: Let’s arrange this here.

Bernie Letser: Okay, nice.

[They put spaghetti in their mouths and then suck them in]

Sheila Sauvage: Careful. Just like the movie, baby.

[Cut to bartender. He has a moustache and a harmonium.]

Bartender: [Starts playing harmonium and singing]

This is the night
such a beautiful night

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila eating spaghetti with their fists]

[Cut to bartender]

Love makes fools of us all. All right, time for the drone strike.

[Cut to everybody. Bartender is controlling the drones flying around.]

[Cut there is an explosion in the bar]